My ASD Child

Parenting Adult Children with Aspergers

Question

My Aspergers son just turned 23 and has little prospects of employment due to the way he views the world. How can I help him to develop some life-skills in general – and self-reliance in particular?

Answer

Information needed by parents of kids with Aspergers (high functioning autism) is quite different from the information needed by parents of adult children with Aspergers. Kids are being diagnosed younger and are offered therapies and treatments that may not have been available for your son.

The Aspergers condition in adults is relatively complicated. Aspergers can interfere in every area of life (e.g., job or career opportunities, relationships, basic daily living skills, etc.). "Aspies" are very intelligent, but they do struggle with a multitude of issues (e.g., social communication, inflexible thinking, sensory integration problems, poor motor skills, and so on). Without medical, emotional, and educational treatments, adulthood can prove to be awkward, complicated, and extremely lonely.

Psychological, neurological, and medical treatments are very useful for all Aspergers adults. These professionals can test for underlying problems and treat them in addition to the Aspergers disorder itself. Common treatment plans include:

Social skills training to help create and sustain relationships
Sensory integration therapy to lessen the effects of hyper or hypo-sensitivities
Self-care skills to learn the importance of regular medical check-ups and personal hygiene
Medication for seizure activity, anxiety, depression, and hyperactivity
Daily living skills to learn how to live independently with success
Cognitive behavioral therapy to deal with emotions, feelings, and behavior

You may also want to get some books and videos that focus on Aspergers in adulthood at your local public library or bookstore. Many of these books are written specifically to parents, while others are written directly to the Aspie himself.

Click here for an eBook that addresses the issue of Aspergers adults who fail to launch.

Best Comment:

I am both angry and sad as it may be that Matthew has Aspergers syndrome. This is Matthews' story. Matthew was a spirited little boy, "he is just being a boy" is what my husband and others would say when Matthew would do things mischievously. Matthew got good grades in elementary school but had some difficulty with attention. He played football, wrestled and loved lacrosse, although never a standout and he did at times have trouble following coach’s cues. He reached middle school and started being identified by teachers as having a behavioral problem.

For years I asked the school to help. We were told he had behavior disorder, ODD, ADHD etc. Although the teachers said he was very bright and had a high IQ, he was lazy and un-motivated. I asked the school to test him and be seen by the school psychologist. He scored 131 on IQ testing and did not qualify for an IEP. Nothing would be done. The school felt that we as parents were responsible for his behaviors. We needed to be stricter. Matthew has a photographic memory, remembers everything he is told and can recite word for word anything he hears in a movie and remembers details of things that no-one could pick up. He received 100% on tests in school but zeros on homework, so consequently most of the time his grades were "D's and "F's".

When Matthew got to the 9th grade this is when his life fell apart. Matthew followed the wrong crowd and finally brought alcohol into school because someone asked him too. We didn't know our rights at the time and took the suggestion that he attend alternative school. Things went from bad to worse. The first day of testing for intake at the alternative school the police came to our house and Matthew was taken away for the break in of our neighbors home ( directly across the street). He did this on the day he was home from school waiting for his intake at the new school. He admitted to the break in and said his "friends, wanted him to do it because they wanted an IPOD and a game". Matthew revived his first Juvenile felony at the age of 14 years old. Again, within a few weeks time, he took his newly prescribed Adderal to school because some kids asked him too. Of course he was caught.

Needless to say between the ages of 14 to 15 my son ended up with 2 juvenile felony charges and a misdemeanor charge. He was sent to a military style school (Canyon State Academy in Queen Creek Arizona) for 18 months for breaking probation. He did very well there, structure, motivation etc. Then he came home. From the time he has been home 2009 till now 2012, he has had 5 jobs (never fired , quit) tried to attend community college( gets overwhelmed and has trouble following multiple syllabus') and has failed his drivers course driving exam 5 times as he gets so upset he cannot parallel park. Consequently he lives in our basement and plays video games all day. We are at our wits end. My husband and I have almost separated as this has become the focus of our lives and we constantly blame each other. Up and down and all around are our emotions. Is he depressed, lazy, psychotic? What have we done or not done? We blame each other.

We have three other daughters that are all doing well. 1 that has graduated from Rutgers University and is married, another getting ready to graduate from Rutgers and a stand-out 14 yr old daughter that is doing OK in high school and is on a highly ranked soccer team. Unfortunately we do the others a disservice as all of our attention goes to Matthew. In the last year it has become apparent to me that there is more wrong than just ADD and conduct disorder. He has never been formally diagnosed with a conduct disorder as a matter of fact Matthew had seen many Psychologist that felt he was a great kid just fell into peer pressure and was a follower.

Many people, including his older sister suggested Aspergers and his former Principle (can you believe this!) thinks Matthew has Aspergers. The more I read the more I am astounded that he is EVERYTHING that you described. I mentioned this to him and he said "no, no, no! I am not an Aspie" He doesn't want to hear it. Matthew is 20 now. How can we get him diagnosed in our area? Do you know anyone? I mean, his dad and I will read your material but I know as a medical professional (RN Nurse Manager) if we get a diagnosis then maybe Matthew will be able to have help for college or trade school. The community college that he attended and quit said that if he is diagnosed then he would qualify for their special services for tutoring and 1:1 help. Do you have a program or a summer camp like that of an "outward bound" to help his self esteem? I realize this is long and has taken a lot of your time but we love our son and want to help him-even if it is for him to understand.

Top 100 Aspergers Forums for 2010

Aspergers and Anxiety: What Parents and Teachers Need To Know

The following is a transcript of the question-and-answer portion of Mark Hutten's seminar on "Aspergers and Anxiety: What Parents and Teachers Need To Know":

Question: Both of my boys have Aspergers, but one exhibits a lot of anxiety, whereas the other does not seem anxious at all. Is there a good explanation for that?

It’s very normal for different children to have different temperaments. Some children are more outgoing and seem to be impervious to feelings of anxiety, whereas other children may always seem to be anxious. But it’s very possible for the more anxious child to learn skills to help manage his anxiety better so he can participate in activities, do well in school, and not be held back due to anxiety-related issues, and so on.

Question: How common is anxiety in children with this syndrome?

Anxiety is extremely common. It’s estimated that up to 80% of people with Aspergers experience intense anxiety symptoms. It can take the form of obsessive-compulsive disorder, specific fears and phobias, and generalized anxieties. Also, 1 in 15 children with Aspergers meet the diagnostic criteria for depression, which can be both a cause and a result of anxiety. We don’t know exactly what causes the depression, but it’s likely a combination of the child’s realization of his difference from peers and the ostracizing that occurs from these peers. Bullying is an extremely common problem among children with Aspergers, and this often leads to an increased rate of both anxiety and depression.

Question: How should I go about choosing a child therapist for my 12-year-old Aspergers son?

In the field of child anxiety as it specifically relates to Aspergers, there are some therapists who have been specifically trained in implementing what we call ‘cognitive-behavioral therapy’ – or CBT. Cognitive-behavioral methods are essentially a set of skills that Aspergers children can learn to help them change their fearful thoughts, anxious behaviors, and to reduce their physical feelings of tension.

Cognitive-behavioral approaches to treating child anxiety have been found to have high levels of success. For example, a child who is experiencing panic attacks might learn how to identify anxious thoughts that trigger panic attacks, learn how to change his anxious feelings, and learn how to change anxiety-triggering behavior. In any event, ideally you will want to seek a Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist who specializes in CBT specific to the Aspergers condition.

Question: How long will it take before I see a change in my Aspergers son once he has started this cognitive-behavioral therapy?

That’ll depend on his unique set of symptoms. At one of our facilities in Indianapolis, children are typically treated within 7-12 sessions for difficulties like specific fears, panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and obsessive compulsive disorder. In some cases, however, additional sessions are needed to help a child make the maximum progress. But even then, 15 sessions will usually be the max.

Question: I'm an anxious person also. Is it possible that I give this anxiety to my Aspergers daughter?

Although research has shown that anxiety may be heritable, there are many other ways that fears can be acquired. Your daughter may have a more anxious, inhibited temperament, which may make her more vulnerable to feeling anxious. Fears are often acquired through the media, through modeling from others, and so on. Fears might also occur after children have experienced some form of trauma. So, although you may feel you are anxious, it is not likely that you simply are ‘giving’ an anxiety disorder to your daughter. There are ways that you can interact with her, though, that may function to increase her anxiety, and it might be important to examine such factors with a therapist.

Question: What do anxiety symptoms look like in a child with Aspergers?

Not much is known about what anxiety symptoms actually look like in a child with Aspergers, but there are symptoms that overlap with Anxiety Disorders, for example: avoidance of new situations, irritability, somatic complaints, and withdrawal from social situations. Another set of anxiety symptoms may be unique to children with Aspergers, for example: becoming ‘silly’, becoming explosive, having anger outbursts or what we call ‘meltdowns’, increased insistence on routines and sameness, preference for rules and rigidity, repetitive behavior, and special interest.

Question: What is the difference between cognitive-behavioral treatment and other kinds of treatment for anxiety?

CBT is focused on teaching children and parents specific skills for changing their fearful thoughts, anxious and tense physical feelings, and avoidant behaviors. Other types of therapy are more focused on using play therapy and/or talk therapy to produce change. There’s a lot of evidence suggesting that cognitive-behavioral techniques are quite successful in reducing anxiety in Aspergers children. Other forms of therapy have less empirical support.

Question: Will my child’s anxiety go away naturally or does he need treatment?

This is an excellent question, and one that is commonly asked by parents. Many childhood fears are part of normal developmental. Fears tend to rise and dissipate at predictable ages in a kid’s life. A child might develop a fear of the dark at age 4, which dissipates by the time he’s 6. Also, it’s normal for children to feel fearful of loud noises when they are very young. However, no matter how old your son is, if he is experiencing a fear that is beginning to interfere with aspects of his functioning, such as academic, social or family functioning …then these fears may warrant treatment.

Very often, successful short-term therapy can help to alleviate an Aspergers child’s fears and help him return to healthy functioning. If you’re unsure whether your son’s fear is normal, or whether it is interfering in his life, it may be a good idea to consult with a psychologist to determine whether he could benefit from treatment.

Question: You say that cognitive-behavioral treatment is the best treatment for anxiety symptoms in children with Aspergers. What does it consist of exactly?

CBT is a time-limited approach designed to change thoughts, emotions, and behaviors and has been shown to be successful in treating Anxiety Disorders in Aspergers children. It should consist of both a child component and a parent component. In using CBT, children should be helped to identify what their own anxiety symptoms look like.

Activities like feeling dictionaries (which is a list of different words for anxiety) and emotional charades (which is guessing people's emotions depending on faces) are helpful in developing this self-awareness. Worksheets, written schedules of activities, and drawings can be added to increase structure during therapy sessions. Games and fun physical activities are important to include in group therapy because they promote social interactions. A reward and consequence system should be used to maintain structure and prevent anger outbursts. Also, to build on the attachment between child and parent, it is important to have parents learn the techniques and coach children to use them at home.

Other useful techniques may include body brushing and massage, chewing gum or sucking on a candy cane to relieve pressure in the jaw, deep pressure activity like lying under a heavy blanket or cushions, physical energy burn like running and jumping on a trampoline, redirection and distraction, and whole-body activities like tug-of-war or rolling on the floor.

As a side note, know that kids with Aspergers tend to have perfectionist attitudes in many areas of their lives. This can be witnessed through their obsessive-compulsive behaviors, repetitive patterns of behavior, and their difficulty coping with change. Now …this self-imposed perfectionism can contribute to their anxiety and pressure to perform. So, since Aspergers kids usually place extreme and unrealistic demands on themselves, it’s important to not push the child too far in therapy. Small steps and taking it ‘one therapy session’ at a time will go a long way in effecting permanent positive change in the child. Go slow, have realistic therapeutic expectations, and monitor progress – these are the big 3 in CBT as far as I’m concerned.

Highly Acclaimed Parenting Programs Offered by Online Parent Support, LLC:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Highly Effective Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

____________________

Do you need the advice of a professional who specializes in parenting children and teens with Autism Spectrum Disorders? Sign-up for Online Parent Coaching today.

____________________

How To Date An Aspie

Question

I've been courting a man for a little over a month now, and he recently explained that he has Aspergers. The very first week we met we were constantly chatting, either online or on the telephone. Then the 2nd week he was silent, and I believed he had lost interest or found another person. Then in the 3rd week he was back to speaking with me. I figured maybe he was busy with work and that's why he had essentially dropped off the face of the earth. We have become a little closer, but then he explained that he has Aspergers, so when I asked him what it was, he sent me a link to Wikipedia.

After I told my girlfriends about Aspergers, one of them told me the story of her former mate, who was also an Aspie. She had met him on an online dating site and they hit it off nicely after which she discovered he was unfaithful to her.

I am a bit concerned of the identical thing happening. I am certainly a NT, and just learning about Aspergers. Is cheating a typical thing with Aspergers? Or was he just a butt who happened to have Aspergers and make a bad name for the affliction?

I have spoken to my guy about this, and he stays away from the subject, I am not sure if this is simply because he is guilty or possibly not understanding the way in which I am bringing it up. I am filled with the typical worries that come with beginning a brand new romantic relationship. In addition, I am researching Aspergers as I go along. Have you got any kind of advice?

Answer

Aspergers is a permanent condition, but "Aspies" are people too – and most of the same things hold true. If you just started dating this guy, give the relationship time to develop. As an Aspie, he needs his time to himself.

Aspies are likely to not take hints well because their brains are blind to this form of communication. They need to be told directly what you want them to do because they will never guess.

Gathering knowledge is deeply satisfying to a person with Aspergers, and sharing it is also a lot of fun. Thus, you may end up learning more than you ever wanted to know about that person's interests. Yet if you are intellectually curious, you will never become bored hanging out with an Aspie.

If you are serious about this guy, learn about Aspergers and how they are different interpersonally. You can't expect a relationship along normal lines. Whether you can get a suitable relationship going depends on a lot of things, and a lot of this has to do with where you score on adaptability, clear thinking, independence, knowledge, patience, strong self-confidence, and tolerance.

If you want compliments all the time, don't date a person with Aspergers. But if you want honesty at the foundation of your relationship, then Aspies are good candidates.

Respect his nature and choices and don't be demanding. Make sure you have a life going for yourself. It is unreasonable to expect a man to make your life and happiness for you. And a man with Aspergers will sure teach you that lesson.

When you begin to interact with people who have Aspergers, you may find yourself struggling to deal with their social difficulties. But if you stick with it and work on understanding how they put together the world in their minds, and encourage them to try to understand how you put together the world in your mind, you will develop a loyal friend and even romance.

Whether a person cheats depends on a lot of things, and it is just not logical to say that because a person with one characteristic (in this case Aspergers) has done something (in this case cheating), all people with that characteristic might do it. This is stereotyping.

Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

COMMENTS:

•   Anonymous said… I am an aspie and my NT wife cheated on me after I told her. I've never cheated.
•   Anonymous said… I have found they tend to be more loyal. Rule are important element to some on the spectrum. If your guy is very rule oriented- won't jay walk, etc. I can say he probably won't cheat
•   Anonymous said… I have never been in that sort of relationship growing up as an aspergillosis was hard. I had little friends and only a hand full of people knew I was aspergic, as if people found out back then at least I would lose said friends in a heart beat. Now however is completly different I have a average sized group of friends who all know I am an Aspie. People with aspergillosis are very intellectual but we are also very loyal, kind and shy among other things, being an Aspie should not affect a relationship one bit, sure we get things mixed up at times but doesn't everyone.
•   Anonymous said… I'm an Aspie and I would just say that if following conventional rules of society and morality are important to you, don't continue this relationship. As an Aspie, I see things so differently than NT's and do things that get me in a lot of trouble because I don't realize the effect my actions have until afterwards. To be honest, I still don't see why people get so emotional about things but I have to smile and nod and pretend that I do just to get along.
LTR's and marriage between Aspie and NT is not something to go into blindly or undertake without serious consideration.
•   Anonymous said… In my experience, men with Aspergers are very loyal. They have such a strong sense of right and wrong, it really surprises me to read here that an Aspergers fellow cheated.
•   Anonymous said… It will depend on who or what relationships they were modeling from, my boys as all aspergers and i love letting them watch love stories/movies as they now love to by there girl friends necklaces and flowers and my son even comes n talks to me about other girls being his friend and how he doesnt want them to get the wrong idea cause his taken. So no its not typical. If ur aspie man has parents still together than his gonna put alot in to a relationship as his probably seen how hard his parents have tried all his life.
•   Anonymous said… Lord my husband won't even use a single bathroom if it a woman's. Me I will go in and take a pee that is what the lock is for
•   Anonymous said… My girlfriend told me I was an Aspie after we'd been together about a year. That was 27 years ago & I was a faithful and devoted husband with no interest in any other woman the entire time. If your relationship is strong then it's strong -- being an Aspie doesn't change that.
•   Anonymous said… Run away now

Post your comment below…

Aspergers/HFA and Repetitive Thoughts

What about being sensitive to the tone of voice of people, and then having the conversations looping or repeating in my son's head? He said they loop through his head for hours, and he has to keep going over that portion of the conversation where the tone was too loud.

Click here for the answer...

How to Prevent Meltdowns in Children on the Spectrum

Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...