Spouses with Aspergers

Question

My husband was recently diagnosed with Aspergers. He graduated from college, but his self-absorption, social awkwardness and rigid behaviors have negatively affected our marriage. Is there hope for our relationship?

Answer

If there is one word that describes the reaction of a family member to the diagnosis of Aspergers (high functioning autism) in someone you love, that word is loneliness. Certainly it is not easy to bridge the communication gap that exists in the everyday life which you describe. It is important to look at the history of your relationship. You must have had good times together and shared positive feelings about each other. Try to recapture whatever glimmers of that you can of what brought you together. You may benefit from consultation with a mental health professional who is experienced in helping people in your kind of situation. Even if your husband won't go with you, you may gain some insight into the relationship that will help you regain some hope, and possibly change the chemistry of what is happening right now in your relationship.

It is often both a major relief and a major disappointment to be diagnosed or married to someone who is diagnosed with Aspergers. Your hopes may be dashed and it may feel worse right now, but the truth is your spouse is still the same man you have loved and married. There is no way out of the Aspergers diagnosis, but now that you and he know more about him and his sensitivities and behaviors, it is finally possible to find ways to compensate and learn and change and grow.

People can change. Since your husband functions at a high cognitive level, he will be able to use that to learn social behavior that is less awkward and rude. In order to work on this it will be important for him to accept his diagnosis. That is the next hardest step. After that, you and he can work on overcoming the hurdles and progress can be seen. He can change.

Once the diagnosis is made and then accepted, adults with Aspergers are able to move forward – not quickly and easily perhaps – but slowly and steadily. It takes patience and perseverance. You will both have to change some of your current understanding and expectations. In every marriage couples must make some sacrifices and compromises that they did not expect, and this often brings couples to a deeper more mature place in their love, marriage and commitment to one another.

In a marriage it is common for a husband and wife to have some disagreements. They may find little things that get on each others nerves. They may often misunderstand one another, but usually a couple can find a way to work things out in a healthy relationship. However, a couple affected by Aspergers may have larger issues. A wife may start to see a particular pattern in the actions of her husband or the way he avoids confrontation. She may not understand why he doesn't remember things or offer to help her around the house. She may wonder why he doesn't catch on to her hints for affection or let her finish a conversation. At first she may pass it off as laziness or stubbornness. For a couple not knowing of the possibility of Aspergers, it may soon lead to frustration, anger and hurt feelings.

Once husband and wife accept that Aspergers is going to be part of their lives, there are steps they can take to make their relationship work. They may have to accept the lack of spontaneity. They must realize they need to be more direct in their communication. It may be difficult at first, but there are many support groups and self help ideas that can be found on the web.

Here are some helpful relationship tips:

• Ask your spouse to ask questions when he is not sure of nonverbal cues.
• Be accepting of each others dislikes, quirks, or calming activities.
• Communicate with your Aspergers spouse precisely and directly. Since Aspergers adults have trouble reading non-verbal cues, you will need to give full and complete messages. Do not speak ambiguously. Try different forms of communication, such as letters, lists and email.
• Establish routines and plans agreed on by both partners.
• Find help for yourself. Get involved with a support group for spouses of Aspergers adults. If you become depressed, don't hesitate to get medical assistance.
• Prepare yourself to take on the majority of the parenting responsibilities. Many men with Aspergers have difficulty relating to children. It is usually up to the non-Aspergers spouse to provide a nurturing and consistent environment for children.
• Recognize the traits of the disorder. Aspergers adults frequently have a lack of empathy and an inability to consider the viewpoints of others. They often prefer rigid routines that others find difficulty to follow. Do not see any of this as a personal attack -- this is part of the disorder.
• Respond instead of reacting. This can be difficult when you're frustrated with your Aspergers spouse, but if you force yourself to remain calm, you will have a more positive interaction.
• Seek on-going professional help for your spouse.
• Set up times to openly listen to each other.
• Set up to do lists, calendars, reminders.
• Talk openly about finances. Aspergers adults frequently have poor money management skills. An Aspergers husband may want to spend lavishly on his hobby, yet be critical of normal household expenses. Using a third party, such as a financial planner, may be helpful.

Married couples affected by one or even both partners with Aspergers can have a happy, loving, and successful relationship. It may take a little work and a little extra effort, but it is possible and it is worth it. Couples that truly love each other can and will make their marriage work.

Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

Parenting Teens with Aspergers

Adolescence is full of challenges – especially if a teenager has to deal additionally with the Aspergers condition.

The change is fast, everywhere, and hard to keep up with: The body changes in response to increasing levels of sex hormones; the thinking process changes as the youngster is able to think more broadly and in an abstract way; the social life changes as new people and peers come into scope. Yet the youngster needs to deal with every single one of these changes, all at the same time! With their willingness to help, that’s where the parents come in, who have "been there", with the life experience, maturity and resources. So, how can parents help? Recognizing the complex and sometimes conflicting needs of an adolescent would be a good point to start.

Teenagers yearn to develop a unique and independent identity, separate from their moms and dads. Yes, they love their parents, but they don’t simply want to follow their footsteps. They challenge their parents in any way they can. They disobey their rules; criticize their "old fashioned" values; they discard their suggestions. Experienced moms and dads know that sometimes they have to be very "political" approaching their adolescent kids, if they are going to get their point across. On the other hand, teenagers give a lot of credit to their peers. They yearn to belong to a peer group which would define and support their identity. They may attempt to do things very much out of character just to gain the approval and acceptance of their peers. They tend to hide their weaknesses and exaggerate their strengths. Of course, what teenagers consider as "weakness" or "strength" may sometimes shock their parents.

Young people with Aspergers (high-functioning autism) bring their special flavor to the adolescence, essentially determined by the levels of three ingredients: interest, avoidance and insight.

Level of interest—

Since all forms of Aspergers has an impact on social development by definition, most teenagers with moderate to severe Aspergers will show little or no interest in others. They may seem to be totally unaware of their peers’ presence or they may appear indifferent when peers try to interact. As Aspergers gets less severe, the level of interest in peers usually increases. For these young people, the quality of social interactions mostly depends on the levels of avoidance and insight.

Level of avoidance—

In the social development of teenagers who show some interest in peer interactions, social anxiety and resultant avoidance play an important role. Some young people get very nervous just with the thought of approaching others and may choose to avoid it at all costs. Their avoidance may appear as if they are not interested in others. It is important to differentiate this since anxiety can be treated much more easily than genuine lack of interest.

Anxiety: A Fifteen year-old adolescent with Aspergers was brought by his mother to seek help with his high level of social anxiety. He was refusing to go to school, where he lately had been labeled as "tardy". Their home was in walking distance of school and he would leave home late in the morning to avoid his peers riding or walking to school. He would not go to the school cafeteria to avoid waiting in line. He would avoid classes in which students had to study in groups. Most of his anxiety could be eliminated over a few weeks by the trial of an anti-anxiety medication which he tolerated well and he was able to function better in school.

Most frequently, interaction with peers will create more anxiety than interaction with younger or older people: Younger kids are safer to approach since they would be more likely to accept the dominance of an adolescent with Aspergers and less likely to be critical. Older teenagers and adults are safer because they will be more likely to understand and tolerate. Moms and dads therefore commonly observe that their kids with Aspergers prefer to interact with younger kids or adults over their peers.

For teenagers with Aspergers who show interest in peers and do not avoid contact, the quality of social interactions will depend on the level of insight.

Level of insight—

Yet some teenagers with Aspergers will not avoid interacting with others; younger, older or similar age. Rather, they are eager to communicate, though, often in a clumsy, in-your-face way. The level of their insight into their social disability will then become the determining factor of their social success. If they are unaware of their shortcomings in gauging the social atmosphere and reading social cues, they may inadvertently come across as rude, insulting or boring. They may miss subtle criticism, sarcasm or tease. As they develop better insight, they become more motivated to learn which had not come naturally and intuitively. They also have a better chance to work through a sense of loss, common to all disabilities.

Coping with the Loss of Normalcy—

Regardless of the individual developmental route, most kids with Aspergers start realizing that they are not quite like others at some point during their adolescence. A few factors seem to facilitate the process:

• higher IQ
• higher level insight into difficulties in social interaction
• higher level of interest in others

Once the adolescent realizes that he has significant difficulties in conducting social relationships compared to his peers, he needs deal with this loss, just like dealing with another loss. Understanding the thoughts, feelings and behavior of an adolescent with Aspergers is the necessary first step in helping him out and being there for him. Considering this coping process in a few stages may make the caregivers’ job easier:

• Acceptance
• Adaptation
• Anger
• Denial
• Depression

Most commonly, the adolescent will not go through these stages one after another, but rather display a larger or smaller aspect of each at any given time. This is a painful process for not only the adolescent but for others who care for him as well. Moms and dads may find themselves compelled to forget the whole thing and act as if nothing is happening. Well, we are all tempted to avoid pain and denial is an excellent pain killer. The good news is, as much as the denial is contagious, the courage and strength, too, and seeing his parents dealing with the pain calmly and matter-of-factly will encourage the adolescent talk about his anger and frustration. This will in turn help the adolescent get closer to the acceptance and adaptation:

• You don’t have to bring it up, but when he does, give them a good listening ear and be patient.
• Don’t try to change the subject, unless your youngster does so.
• Don’t try to minimize his difficulties, but also don’t let him exaggerate, providing gentle reality testing.
• Offer the option of counseling, since sometimes it is easier to talk to a stranger; however, try not to push the idea directly even if you feel that your youngster clearly needs professional help.

Sometimes you have to be very political trying to sell an idea to a teenager. The mere fact that the idea is coming from his parents may make him refuse it. Let the idea come from a family friend, teacher, or a neighbor he trusts. Give him time to think about it. He may come back to the suggestion when he feels he is ready.

Consider trying an antidepressant medication if he doesn’t seem to be able to move on. Look for the following common symptoms of clinical depression. If five or more of these are present week after week, put your foot down:

• Appearing sad for most of the time
• Becoming irritable and angry with the drop of a hat so that family members start walking on egg shells
• Blaming himself unfairly for anything that goes wrong
• Complaining that he is tired all the time and wanting to take naps during the day
• Eating less or more than usual
• Losing interest in activities he usually enjoys
• Making remarks like he hates life, he hates you, nobody loves him, or wishing he was dead
• Not being able to fall asleep, waking up in the middle of the night and having difficulty falling back to sleep
• Putting himself down, saying he is stupid
• Withdrawing himself from the rest of the family, refusing to participate in group activities

Clinical depression is a serious condition which carries a significant risk for self-harming behavior. If you suspect that he may have clinical depression, set up an appointment with a child and adolescent psychiatrist as soon as possible and do not put this as an option. He does not have a veto power on this decision.

Anger, Denial and Depression A young teenager was referred from a clinical study of depression in kids and teenagers to maintain his antidepressant medication. My clinical evaluation revealed Aspergers in addition to his ongoing depression. The diagnosis of Aspergers made very much sense to the moms and dads who had wondered for years what was wrong with their son who, among other things, had difficulty relating to his peers, despite being very bright and able to communicate with adults in a quite sophisticated manner. Since he had responded only partially to the study medication we tried him on another antidepressant. Even though his mother thought that he was happier, more motivated and energetic, he was not able to recognize any improvement.

During his most recent follow-up he was very angry with me and announced that he didn’t think that he had Asperger’s, he wanted to stop his medication and wished everybody leaved him alone. My suggestion for counseling was discarded, too. His mother and I firmly insisted that he continues to take his medication. We didn’t push the diagnosis or the counseling idea. I recommended his mother that if he does not feel like coming next time, she comes by herself so that we can strategize how to continue his treatment.

Most teenagers with Aspergers excel in one or two subjects. They tend to accumulate a lot of information on the subject and love to talk about it over and over. Unfortunately, after one point family members end up losing interest and start getting bored to death. Rather than avoiding the subject, try finding out new ways to engage the young person in the subject. Structure the topic in a different way. Find a way to challenge him. Be creative and let sky be the limit! Your interest will make your youngster feel better about himself, realizing his mastery on the subject will boost his self-esteem.

Many teenagers with Aspergers resolve their sense of loss by turning the issue upside down: Rather than clinging to depression and despair, they find their identity in Aspergers. They get in touch with other youth with Aspergers. They take on themselves educating their peers about Aspergers at school. They set up web sites, chat rooms and even write books about it. They gather support for a better understanding and treatment of Aspergers. Encouraging your youngster, providing him means to this end and removing the obstacles in front of him may turn out to be the best antidepressant treatment ever. All this may seem remote and you may not know where to start.

Consider the following tips:

• Attend support groups for parents and make acquaintances.
• Get in touch with the organizations like the Autism Society of America or Asperger Syndrome Coalition of the U.S. and contact their local chapters.
• If it doesn’t work right away, don’t get discouraged and keep trying, always letting your youngster make the first move in showing interest.
• Invite your new acquaintances to your house and encourage them to bring their kids.
• Leave brochures, leaflets and other information about teen groups around to catch the attention of your teenager.

Acknowledging Sexuality—

In contrast with their rather slow social development and maturation, teenagers with Aspergers develop physiologically and sexually at the same pace as their peers. As their sons and daughters with Aspergers grow older and display sexualized behavior, many moms and dads find themselves worrying that their:

• youngster will be taken advantage of
• youngster will contract sexually transmitted diseases
• youngster will not have the opportunity of enjoying sexual relationships
• youngster’s behavior will be misunderstood
• daughter will get pregnant or their son will impregnate someone else’s daughter

While some moms and dads get concerned that their kids show no interest in sexual matters, others have to deal with behaviors like:

• masturbating in public
• staring at others inappropriately
• stripping in public
• talking about inappropriate subjects
• touching others inappropriately
• touching their private parts in public

Talking about sex, especially the sexuality of our kids makes us feel uncomfortable. Even though we all wish that our kids have safe and fulfilling sexual lives, we hope the issue just gets resolved by itself, or at least somebody else takes the responsibility of resolving it. We may find ourselves lost trying to imagine our kids, who have significant problems carrying a simple conversation, building relationships that may lead to healthy sexuality. We may find it comforting to believe that our kids don’t have sexual needs and feelings, and avoid bringing up the subject in any shape or form. We may feel uneasy about sex education, believing that ignorance will prevent sexual activity.

How can we make sure that our kids with Aspergers express sexuality in socially acceptable and legally permissible ways, avoiding harm to themselves and others?

The key is making your mind that you will address the issue, rather than avoid it. Set up a time with your youngster to talk about sexuality, rather than making a few comments about it when the issue is hot, right after an incident, when everybody feels quite emotional about what just has happened. Ask direct questions about what your youngster knows about sex. Ask about his desires and worries. Tell him what you think should be his first step. After inquiring and talking about the normal behavior, set realistic but firm limits about inappropriate behavior. Seeing your level of comfort around the issue, your youngster will get the message that it is OK to have sexual feelings and it is OK to talk about them. Getting this message alone will bring the tension around sexuality a few notches down. If this approach fails, please do not be shy about asking for help.

Other moms and dads with adolescent kids would be a good starting point. Your youngster’s school may also be able to help. Finally, you may inquire about professional help which should provide an individualized sexuality assessment and sex education based on individual needs, while utilizing behavioral modification techniques to discourage inappropriate sexual behavior and promote appropriate sexual behavior.

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

Aspergers Children and Pica

Question

I'm curious about messy eating and chewing on stuff ...pencils, toys, paper, wood ...you name it, he'll put it in his mouth.

Answer

Eating non-food items is referred to as pica. These items may include, but are not limited to dirt, paint chips, coffee grounds, hair, paper, sand, and cigarettes. For a true diagnosis of pica, the child should be craving and eating these things for at least a month.

Although common in infants and toddlers, most children outgrow pica by the time they are about three years old. Pica is also more common with other disorders, such as autism, and other developmental disabilities. 10 to 20% of children may suffer from pica at some point during childhood. Pica is also common during pregnancy.

Though, the specific cause of pica is unknown, there are a lot of theories prevalent trying to explain its cause. Most commonly it is suspected that emotional disturbance and deficiencies of iron or zinc may lead to this condition (However, it is controversial whether iron deficiency leads to pica or pica leads to iron deficiency).

The treatment for pica is first and foremost a secure and stable family structure. Your Aspergers child will have to be taught about edible and non- edible food substances. Your doctor may prescribe iron supplements and de-worming agents. If your child is suspected to have been exposed to a contaminated substance like lead, lead screening may be required.

If your Aspergers child is growing and developing normally, then pica is more likely a habit than an obsessive-compulsive disorder.

The Aspergers Comprehensive Handbook

Rebellious Aspergers Teenagers

"Why does my Aspergers teen reject everything I say? Why is he so argumentative and defiant?"

These are some of the many questions you, as a parent of a rebellious Aspergers (high-functioning autistic) teen, might be asking yourself right now.

The teenage years can be a very rough time for both the teen and the parent – especially when you consider the challenges that are part of the Aspergers condition.

Why do Aspergers teens rebel?

It's normal for any teenager to show a little bit of rebellion now and again. However, teenage rebellion that is constant, interferes with normal daily functioning, and is destructive calls for much more attention. Aspergers teens rebel for a variety of reasons:

• Peer pressure - Some forms of rebellion can begin with pressure from peers to join in various destructive behaviors.
• Independence - These years are a constant struggle between dependence and independence. Rebellious adolescents want to have total independence and prove to you that they can do things themselves. At the same time, they are overwhelmed and still desire parental protection.
• Hormonal changes - As adolescents bodies are changing, hormone fluctuations can bring about all sorts of mood changes.
• Discovering their identities - Adolescents are at a point in their lives when they are trying to figure out who they are as a person, their likes/dislikes and what they will be doing for the rest of their lives. They use this time to test and try out many identities until they find one they are most comfortable with.

In what forms do adolescents rebel?

How your Aspergers teen chooses to rebel depends on his own individual feelings and problems. Some forms may include:

• Argumentative - quick to anger, overly defenseless
• Change in appearance/interests - trying out new clothing styles, hairstyles, tastes in music
• Rejection of rules/curfews
• Running away from home
• School problems - cutting classes, missing school, drop in grades
• Spending more time with friends away from family members
• Substance abuse - experimenting with alcohol and illicit drugs

How can you prevent teenage rebellion?

Preventing all forms of rebellion can be a difficult chore as some of this behavior is a normal process of growing up. Keeping the dangerous forms under control is necessary though in order to avoid further problems from developing. If your Aspergers teen is showing harmful rebellious behavior, further treatment with a mental health professional should be sought. Rebellion could be due to another underlying problem. 

As moms and dads, the following methods can be helpful in keeping rebellion at a minimum:

1. Don't be too harsh with criticism - Adolescents like to experiment with their individuality to discover who they are. As long as it is not harmful, let them try out new things. Give your opinion, but don't criticize.
2. Keep an open relationship with your teen - Let them know that they can always come to you with their problems, under any circumstances. If your rebellious teenager feels the need to be alone, give them some space to work out their problems by themselves first.
3. Punishments should be fair - Set reasonable consequences for broken rules as unfair punishments can create further rebellion.
4. Set up some reasonable house rules - If your rules are to strict, your rebellious adolescent might feel the need to break them. Give your adolescents some say in home of these rules and curfews so that they feel some ownership over them.
5. Try not to argue with your rebellious adolescent - Yelling and arguing with your rebellious adolescent about your differences only sets a bad example of how to deal with problems. Try to approach the matter at hand in a calm fashion. If that cannot be done, give yourself some space for a while and talk about it at a later time once tempers diminish.

==> Help for Parents of Teens with Asperger's and HFA

Adult Aspergers Children Who Move Back Home – or Never Leave

Older Aspergers (high functioning autistic) kids (19-years-old and up) are moving back home – or have never left! Why is this? 

Between a troubled economy, crushing student loan debt, and social skills deficits that are part of the Aspergers condition, grown Aspergers kids are moving home at ever-increasing rates – or they have never left!

It's hardly surprising that a mixture of emotions (e.g., anger, anxiety, and possibly joy) flows when junior moves back home. If you're still trying to decide if this step is right for you, the "Are You Ready for a Refilled Nest?" quiz may help (located at the bottom of this article). But if you've already taken the plunge, it may be helpful to understand where the boomerang trend and its accompanying emotions are coming from, and the issues most likely to arise.

House Rules—

Moms and dads love their children. They want the best for them. When they see their children clearly making mistakes and bad choices, they immediately want to intervene. The key is to remember that they are grown-ups now and they have the right to make the choices they make as well as face the consequences, good or bad, of those choices. This is when all those years of teaching them should be kicking in. We all learn through our mistakes, and we all continue to make mistakes as grown-ups. Our adult Aspergers kids have the right to live as a mistake-making / consequence-facing human, just as we do.

When House Rules are established, they need to remain focused on the Household. The following is a general list of common areas to address:

• Chores— How will they be divided? Obviously the adult kids need to be responsible for the cleaning of their own private areas, but what about shared living areas? What is the timeline for doing the chores in the common areas? How will the laundry facility be shared?

• Company— If the entrance to their private living areas is not private, you have every right to set hours for entertaining. Other areas to address would be those house rules other members of the household must follow such as no one of the opposite gender in the bedroom, no company in the house after midnight, etc. House rules apply to all in the household.

• Conditions of Residence— These would be rules as to why they are being allowed to move in and what will cause an eviction. Some moms and dads have a general rule that any youngster living with them must be attending school full-time, working, or serving in the armed forces, as there will be no 'free ride'. If the youngster is in school full-time they live in the home rent-free. The other circumstances require the payment of rent, usually based upon their ability to pay.

• Household Influence— If you have a rule against no alcohol, no drugs, and no r-rated movies, for example, in your home; you have the right to extend that rule to the adult kids. Anything you believe to be harmful to the environment of your home or harmful by way of example or risk to the underage kids is eligible for rule setting in this category. These items must be carefully addressed so they do not become matters of running the adult child's life, or about what they do outside of the home. These rules need to stay strictly focused on the home environment.

• Rent— Does this amount cover just shelter, or are food and utilities covered as well? If food is not covered in the amount, will they buy their own groceries, or contribute groceries to the household? When is the rent due, and what is the late payment policy? Will a deposit be required? Will said deposit be returned in part or full? If so, under what circumstances?

• Their Kids and Pets— Keeping them under control and also living according to house rules. You have the right to have your privacy and your belongings respected. You have the right to expect them to parent their own kids and care for their own pets. This area can become an area of contention when moms and dads desiring to be helpful begin to interfere in the parenting style and routines of their adult kids. This is a huge no-no. They are grown-ups and those are their kids. Unless your grandkids are in imminent danger, you have no right to interfere.

Running Their Own Life—

It is difficult to see someone you love make choices that you know will have a bad outcome, or which you do not personally agree with. As moms and dads of adult Aspergers kids, you must first and foremost respect their rights as grown-ups.

Whether they live under your roof or not, you have no right to insist upon setting rules which interfere in their right to choose for themselves what to do with their own life. Some examples of Running-Their-Life Rules are as follows:

• How they dress or style their hair

• How they parent their own kids

• Places they may go

• Their diet and exercise program or lack thereof

• What line of work or field of study they may be involved in

• Where they may attend church or if they attend church or not

• Where they may work or go to school

• Whether they get piercings and tattoos

• Who they may associate with outside of your home.

Exceptions—

In some cases, there is true and imminent danger involved to the safety and welfare of your adult youngster, their kids, your own underage kids, or yourself. In these cases, you have every right and responsibility to act. A few examples would be as follows:

• Alcohol and Drug abuse. If their life or the life of another is at risk by all means intervene. This is where programs such as Al-Anon can help you understand the dynamics and what you can and should do. You may have to become acquainted with the principles of Tough Love and actually hold an Intervention to help your adult youngster.

• Clear animal abuse or neglect as outlined by your state or local government. Your opinion that something is neglectful or abusive must be substantiated by state or local law before you have the right to intervene because it may well be just your opinion.

• Clear child abuse or neglect as outlined by your state government. Your opinion that something is neglectful or abusive must be substantiated by state law before you have the right to intervene because it may well be just your opinion.

The best way to teach our kids is through the example that we set. They learn far more from what we do than what we say, and they do watch what we do very closely. If we expect them to live a certain way, we must be consistently and without hypocrisy living that way ourselves. Then, if we set a good example, they may choose to adopt our philosophy and way of life for themselves. They also may choose to go their own way. The point is that it is their life and their choice, and that must always be respected.

Preparing a Lease—

Writing down the terms of a room and board arrangement eliminated all sorts of problems. My grandson learned that he would be now responsible for his own food and laundry, and that the six hours of weekly yard work were not negotiable since he was receiving a value of $500 a month in free rent & utilities. Other terms included "quiet hours" from 11pm to 7am and no overnight guests. By addressing these issues in a businesslike manner, there was no question of who was responsible for what, and how the rent would be dealt with. It solved the problem for us and is an excellent example of why a lease should be drawn up with our adult kids when they find themselves living back at home for a while.

What should be covered in the lease? From our experience, we learned that it was helpful to address these issues in our lease agreement:

• How will the chores be managed? This is one of the problems where resentment can build up in a hurry, if not addressed before an adult youngster moves back home. While moms and dads are more than happy to help their children out if financially possible, this doesn't mean the youngster gets a free pass from household chores. Yes, chores. With an extra person in the house, there are extra dishes, extra laundry, and extra stuff lying around that needs to be picked up. Asking for your youngster to help out with assigned tasks is not unreasonable and should be addressed in the lease so there is no misunderstanding.

• How will the groceries be managed? Feeding an extra mouth can also cost money, especially if that mouth belongs to an adult male with hollow legs. How we solved the problem with our grandson was to install a 6 cubit foot refrigerator freezer in his basement kitchenette. He bought his own food and left the stuff in our frig alone. With an extra adult in the house, a grocery bill can increase by 50%. Setting guidelines for how the cost of groceries will be handled should also be part of the lease.

• Who will pay the extra utility costs? Having an adult youngster living at home costs money. There's the added cost of hot water for that extra shower and extra laundry, plus the high speed DSL, cable television, or an extra phone. Extra water also means a higher sewer bill. If you can't afford the extra cost of utilities, who pays the additional cost should be part of the lease.

• Will there be rent? Our adult kids often move back home because they are trying to recover financially, and aren't in a position to pay rent or utilities. If you aren't charging your adult kids rent to help with expenses, then it is not unreasonable to ask for work in lieu of payment. Yard work, painting the house, or "whole house" cleaning on weekly bass is one way to work off the rent without having to pay cash.

If you were managing a rental property, you might have rules of occupancy which might include no illegal activities, no loud parties, no unauthorized roommate or pets, no smoking, or other activities that you find objectionable. Just because your boarder is your youngster, he doesn't get to carry on in a way that jeopardizes the quality of your life. And, just because he IS your youngster doesn't mean you have the right to invade his privacy and snoop around his room. Writing down the house rules in a lease takes out the guesswork of out what is permitted and what isn't.

While a lease isn't necessary for every situation, sitting down and discussing ground rules is an important issue that moms and dads should insist on when an adult youngster is wanting to move back home temporarily. By discussing expenses in a businesslike manner, deciding how the work will be divided, and writing it all down, a family can avoid hard feelings and misunderstandings that can lead to damaging a family relationship.

Sample Rental Contract—

When your grown-up child moves back home, it’s best to draw up a contract to outline expectations and financial agreements. Some families draw up formal paperwork, others use a rental contract simply as a guideline for discussion. Here’s a sample rental contract to get you started:

1. Cooking, laundry and chores: (Name) will mow the lawn on Saturday, grocery shop on Sunday using the family shopping list, and cook dinner on Mondays and Wednesdays. He is responsible for the purchase, laundering and maintenance of his own clothing and any personal items.

2. Guests and quiet hours: Household quiet hours run from midnight to 6 a.m., unless otherwise arranged. No overnight guests without prior arrangement.

3. Rent: Beginning with his second monthly paycheck, (name) will pay $200 (or whatever amount) a month to cover rent and food. 

4. Set a time limit and a goal: This agreement runs from June 15, when (name) moves home, until (date), when he will have saved enough money to get an apartment of his own, i.e., first and last month’s rent and a security deposit. 

5. Utilities: Beginning with his second monthly paycheck, (name) will pay 25% of the utilities, including water, gas, electrical and cable.

Quiz: Are You Ready for a Refilled Nest?

Depending on distance and family dynamics, a grown child's move back home can be a major undertaking. If you're pondering whether you're ready to refill that empty nest, this quiz may help. And if the answer is "no," consider that there may be other, less drastic ways to help your youngster get back on his feet.

1. Are the chances of his finding satisfying full- or part-time work in your town better than where he is now?
2. Do you have a good, supportive relationship with your youngster? 
3. Does he visit frequently and without any particular problems?
4. Does he need to get his feet back on the ground after a devastating life event - a bad break-up, divorce or medical crisis?
5. Does he still have close friends in your area? Depression and loneliness are, unfortunately, common problems for the Aspergers adult. His support network needs to encompass more than his wonderful parents.
6. Does your youngster have specific plans - he wants to buy a house, pay off debts, go to grad school or find a job - that would be made possible by a dramatic, temporary change in his living situation?
7. Does your youngster respect your privacy and your needs? 
8. Can he be relied on to follow mutually agreed upon rules?
9. Is your home and bank account large enough to accommodate your returning youngster?

If you answered "yes" to all - or nearly all - of these questions, welcoming home a returning, grown youngster may be a great solution for your family, particularly if you talk frankly and openly about concerns, lay ground rules ahead of time and keep the channels of communication open.

A "no" answer to any of these questions is a red flag - not insurmountable, but definitely worth exploring alternative ways to help your youngster deal with his challenges, short of moving in with you.

Conclusion—

It's necessary to set standards. This means spelling out clearly what is acceptable behavior and enforcing the consequences of inappropriate behavior. Don't be afraid to lay down rules. Moms and dads don't have to accept intolerable behavior. Make sure the youngster knows there are boundaries that can't be crossed. You are not curtailing the youngster's rights. Remember, you have rights, too.

And what about money? The key is to communicate about it. To avoid money quarrels, discuss openly who pays for what. Don't be shy about insisting that a youngster who's working contributes to the household expenses.

If the conflicts persist in spite of your efforts, most cities have family counseling services that can help moms and dads and kids work out the problems.

No matter what brought the youngster home, there comes a time when the "visit" must come to a close. It was, after all, only temporary. Be especially sensitive to when the youngster has stayed long enough. Realize why the child is at home in the first place. If moms and dads begin to feel exploited, or feel that the children are getting too comfortable, it may be time to force them to get on with acting like grown-ups.

==> Launching Adult Children With HFA and Aspergers: How To Promote Self-Reliance