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How Do I Parent an Adult Child with Aspergers?

Question

My 20-year-old child has Aspergers. He is intelligent and is doing well in college -- but is lonely. He has met a woman online who wants him to move to Texas, and I fear for his safety. He is obsessed with moving and believes that "friends" are waiting for him. How can I help him see that he may be headed for trouble?

Answer

In cases like this, it seems like experience is the best teacher. I can see both sides: that of the mother convinced her youngster is making a potentially fatal mistake and wanting to do anything to prevent it; and of the young adult who has experienced nothing but loneliness and rejection all his life and who finally believes he has a chance to make it on his own and find both friendship and love. He is not likely to be persuaded from his dreams, and you may damage your relationship with him if you push too hard.

Could you ask him more questions about the relationship? How long ago did he meet her, what are her interests, what is the thing he most loves about her, what are his plans for once he gets to California, what is his idea of an ideal relationship....subtle questions if possible to gauge how much he really even knows about her and how serious he is, and what a relationship really means to him. If it sounds serious and valid, you can be relieved; if not, you can hopefully subtly push him in the right direction. The other thing you can do is let him go, but try to get him to promise you that he will call X amount of times per day, get as much contact info as you can - her phone number and address, his itinerary, etc.

I do think that if he could just have some social success, maybe he wouldn't be so bent on chasing this lady to the other coast. And meeting other people on the spectrum through support groups could give him that. But he may or may not be interested in learning about Aspergers and meeting other people with it.

I wish I could offer you something decisive to do. If he does go, just try to prepare him for the possibility that it might not quite work out the way he thinks it will. Tell him that relationships take time and don't always work out; the most important thing you can do, actually, is not to antagonize him so that he is not too embarrassed to come home if things fall apart. Make clear to him that you love him and will support him no matter what he does, and that you will help him in any way you can and that he always has a home to come back to. Hopefully, he will spread his wings a little and keep the lines of communication open with you. Get him a cell phone if he doesn't already have one.


Launching Adult Children With Aspergers: How To Promote Self-Reliance

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1. Advanced Keystroke Logger - Records all keystrokes including passwords, "hidden characters" and true keystrokes too - including MySpace.Com and FaceBook.Com account passwords.

2. Email Monitoring - PC Tattletale captures both in AND outbound mail, records Outlook and Outlook Express, AOL Email, Eudora, SMTP/POP3 Email, MS Exchange Email, Hotmail, Yahoo Email, MSN System Email and Google Gmail. PC Tattletale can even send you copies of your youngster's emails in REAL TIME so you'll know what's going on even if you're at the office!

3. PC Tattletale captures the name of each software program that your youngster used, when that program was started and how long the program was active.

4. PC Tattletale makes it easy to keep tabs on what your youngster is doing on MySpace.com and other social networking web sites. Using the powerful screen capture and key stroke recording technology, PC Tattletale makes it easy for you to see exactly what they post on their MySpace.com account, what their password is, what they are say when they use My Space to chat, instant message and much more!

5. PC Tattletale solves the problem of helping you stay on top of what your youngster does when you're not there to watch over their shoulder. And it gives you the tools to invisibly monitor your youngster and help keep them safe on the Internet.

6. Powerful Chat Recorder - Records all chat sessions and Instant messages - Captures both sides of ANY Chat conversation or Instant Message, including: AOL Chat Rooms and Instant Messenger, AOL Triton ICQ Chats, MSN Messenger, Yahoo Messenger, AIM, Trillain chat and even MySpace.com!

7. Screen Shots Captures - PC Tattletale's "DVD like" controls and playback makes it as simple as clicking the “PLAY” button to watch EVERYTHING your youngster did when they were online! PC Tattletale even separates the screen captures by user and date. This means you can focus only on the youngster you want to watch. You save time by zeroing in on suspicious activity. Works with Internet Explorer and Fire Fox too!

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9. URL Specific Web Filtering and keyword blocking -- Specify any web site that you want blocked. If your youngster tries to go to a web site that contains that keyword, PC Tattletale displays a "404 Page not found error," leaving them wondering why they can't get into blocked site.

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What is important to know before my Aspergers teenage son turns 18?

Question

What is important to know before my Aspergers teenage son turns 18?

Answer

Stepping into adulthood can be a confusing and difficult time for the Aspergers (high functioning autistic) teen. However, it does not have to be. Many teens with Aspergers are fairly well adjusted after years of living with the associated symptoms and adapting to better fit into their environment.

Here are a few areas that can cause problems for the teenager with Aspergers:
  • Employment
  • Independent living skills
  • Post secondary education
  • Relationships and social skills
  • Self-care issues

Moms and dads can help their Aspergers teen prepare for life as an adult by making sure he has the right amount of support. Support can come from many sources. Parents, teachers, school advisors or counselors, medical professionals, therapists, friends, and support group members cover most, if not all, of the basic areas of life.

Some geographical areas offer support for the Aspergers teen through government agencies. With a qualifying diagnosis, your teenager may be able to receive health insurance coverage, housing assistance, various therapies, vocational training, and career counseling, just to name a few possibilities. Check with your local government or disability services office to learn more about availability in your area.

It might help if you make a list of the skills you would like to see developing in your Aspergers teen. By making this list, you will be able to see his strengths and weakness and help determine a plan for his immediate future.

Here is a sample list:
  • Social skills and relationships-- Does he have the ability to relate to others and communicate, verbally and non-verbally? Should he continue with social skills classes or perhaps find a home program?
  • Self-care-- Does he have good personal hygiene? Does he understand the importance of regular medical care and keeping track of his medications?
  • Coping skills-- Can he handle the anxiety, emotions, and frustration often brought on by change? Should he begin cognitive therapy to help with his emotions?
  • Career and college choices-- Has he chosen a path based on his special interests and talents? What colleges are grabbing his interests? Do these schools offer disability support services?
  • Basic living skills-- Does he understand the importance of housekeeping, budgeting, and grocery shopping?

Moving into adulthood does not have to be daunting for your teenager with Aspergers. Teens can develop the necessary skills for college, career, and independent living with the right support.

Discipline for Defiant Aspergers Teens

Aspergers Meltdowns versus Temper Tantrums

One of the most misunderstood Aspergers (high functioning autism) behaviors is the meltdown. Frequently, it is the result of some sort of overwhelming stimulation of which cause is often a mystery to moms and dads and teachers. They can come on suddenly and catch everyone by surprise. Aspergers kids tend to suffer from sensory overload issues that can create meltdowns. Kids who have neurological disorders other than Aspergers can suffer from meltdowns, too. Unlike tantrums, these kids are expressing a need to withdraw and slowly collect themselves at their own pace.

Kids who have tantrums are looking for attention. They have the ability to understand that they are trying to manipulate the behavior of the others, caregivers and/or peers. This perspective taking or "theory of mind" is totally foreign to the Aspergers youngster who has NO clue that others cannot "read" their mind or feelings innately. This inability to understand other human beings think different thoughts and have different perspectives from them is an eternal cause of frustration.

Tantrums—

A tantrum is very straightforward. A youngster does not get his or her own way and, as grandma would say, "pitches a fit." This is not to discount the tantrum. They are not fun for anyone. Tantrums have several qualities that distinguish them from meltdowns.
  • A youngster having a tantrum will look occasionally to see if his or her behavior is getting a reaction.
  • A youngster in the middle of a tantrum will take precautions to be sure they won't get hurt.
  • A youngster who throws a tantrum will attempt to use the social situation to his or her benefit.
  • A tantrum is thrown to achieve a specific goal and once the goal is met, things return to normal.
  • A tantrum will give you the feeling that the youngster is in control, although he would like you to think he is not.
  • When the situation is resolved, the tantrum will end as suddenly as it began.

FACT:

If you feel like you are being manipulated by a tantrum, you are right. You are. A tantrum is nothing more than a power play by a person not mature enough to play a subtle game of internal politics. Hold your ground and remember who is in charge.

A tantrum in a youngster who is not Aspergers is simple to handle. Moms and dads simply ignore the behavior and refuse to give the youngster what he is demanding. Tantrums usually result when a youngster makes a request to have or do something that the parent denies. Upon hearing the parent's "no," the tantrum is used as a last-ditch effort.

The qualities of a tantrum vary from child to child When kids decide this is the way they are going to handle a given situation, each youngster's style will dictate how the tantrum appears. Some kids will throw themselves on the floor, screaming and kicking. Others will hold their breath, thinking that his "threat" on their life will cause moms and dads to bend. Some kids will be extremely vocal and repeatedly yell, "I hate you," for the world to hear. A few kids will attempt bribery or blackmail, and although these are quieter methods, this is just as much of a tantrum as screaming. Of course, there are the very few kids who pull out all the stops and use all the methods in a tantrum.

Effective parenting -- whether a youngster has Aspergers or not -- is learning that you are in control, not the youngster. This is not a popularity contest. You are not there to wait on your youngster and indulge her every whim. Buying her every toy she wants isn't going to make her any happier than if you say no. There is no easy way out of this parenting experience. Sometimes you just have to dig in and let the tantrum roar.

Meltdowns—

If the tantrum is straightforward, the meltdown is every known form of manipulation, anger, and loss of control that the youngster can muster up to demonstrate. The problem is that the loss of control soon overtakes the youngster. He needs you to recognize this behavior and rein him back in, as he is unable to do so. A youngster with Aspergers in the middle of a meltdown desperately needs help to gain control.
  • A youngster in a meltdown has no interest or involvement in the social situation.
  • A youngster in the middle of a meltdown does not consider her own safety.
  • A meltdown conveys the feeling that no one is in control.
  • A meltdown usually occurs because a specific want has not been permitted and after that point has been reached, nothing can satisfy the youngster until the situation is over.
  • During a meltdown, a youngster with Aspergers does not look, nor care, if those around him are reacting to his behavior.
  • Meltdowns will usually continue as though they are moving under their own power and wind down slowly.

Unlike tantrums, meltdowns can leave even experienced moms and dads at their wit's end, unsure of what to do. When you think of a tantrum, the classic image of a youngster lying on the floor with kicking feet, swinging arms, and a lot of screaming is probably what comes to mind. This is not even close to a meltdown. A meltdown is best defined by saying it is a total loss of behavioral control. It is loud, risky at times, frustrating, and exhausting.

Meltdowns may be preceded by "silent seizures." This is not always the case, so don't panic, but observe your youngster after she begins experiencing meltdowns. Does the meltdown have a brief period before onset where your youngster "spaces out"? Does she seem like she had a few minutes of time when she was totally uninvolved with her environment? If you notice this trend, speak to your physician. This may be the only manifestation of a seizure that you will be aware of.

When your youngster launches into a meltdown, remove him from any areas that could harm him or he could harm. Glass shelving and doors may become the target of an angry foot, and avoiding injury is the top priority during a meltdown.

Another cause of a meltdown can be other health issues. One example is a youngster who suffers from migraines. A migraine may hit a youngster suddenly, and the pain is so totally debilitating that his behavior may spiral downward quickly, resulting in a meltdown. Watch for telltale signs such as sensitivity to light, holding the head, and being unusually sensitive to sound. If a youngster has other health conditions, and having Aspergers does not preclude this possibility, behavior will be affected.

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Aspergers and High Functioning Autism

2024 Statistics of Autism in Chinese Children

Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) has emerged as a significant public health concern worldwide, and China is no exception. As of 2024, new rese...