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Grandparents Raising Asperger's Grandchildren

Question

Are there many other grandparents like me helping to raise kids with Aspergers? And what qualities do you think we bring to this task?

Answer

There are many grandparents, aunts, uncles and other family members who are involved in helping to raise kids with Aspergers (high-functioning autism). The degree to which relatives are involved in the care of the kids can vary greatly, but grandparents often have a special place in kid’s hearts.

Grandparents bring a unique set of skills to the raising of their grandkids. Many grandparents have the ability to spend a great deal of time with their grandkids because they are retired or have cut back on their work schedule. This gift of time is typically accompanied by patience. Parents are often harried, rushing from here to there to get things accomplished according to the schedule. Grandparents often don’t have those pressures. This gift of time and patience can be especially important to a youngster with Aspergers. Grandparents can often ease the chaos of transition periods for a youngster with Aspergers. Grandparents are often more patient when explaining something or encouraging a youngster to try a new experience.

Grandparents often have reached a place in their lives where they care less about what other people’s perceptions of them are. This can be a special gift when raising a youngster with Aspergers. Grandparents tend to be more accepting and less embarrassed by public outbursts or tantrums, or even behaviors that might strike others as odd.

Grandparents often have more time to try to develop new and different ways to relate to a youngster with Aspergers. They are often less discouraged when a strategy meets with failure and tend to look at the big picture, rather than the small detail.

Grandparents can be a gift not only to the kids with Aspergers but also to their moms and dads. They can function as trusted caregivers for their kids, as well as being a sounding board for concerns or fears or frustrations the parents may have. Sometimes, simply being there for the parents and offering support can be very important.

The Aspergers Comprehensive Handbook
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13 year old Aspie daughter had her day in court...

Hello Mr. Hutten,

I would like to share with you and you can feel free to share with others something wonderful that happened to our family yesterday. 

After almost a year and half of being bullied, harassed and assaulted on the school bus, our 13 year old Aspie daughter had her day in court with the perpetrator (another 13 year old bully). My daughter was terrified to testify, but I assured her that her family was there to protect her. We also were blessed to have a witnessed to one of the horrific beatings that my daughter endured come forward. She was terrified as well. 

The States Atty's office in Upper Marlboro, Maryland brought forth the case. It was a long process, without any assistance from the school system. Anyway, to make a long story short, the bully was found guilty on all three charges of second degree assault. The judge remanded her into custody on the spot. She was taken away in handcuffs. There was high drama in the courtroom. It had been such a long and lonely process, I did not know what to expect, but imagine my daughter witnessing the detention and handcuffing of her tormentor in front of her...it was amazing. 

While it is not a joyous occasion to see a 13 year old child in handcuffs, I am blinded by the many, many long months of harassment and assaults that my child suffered and continues to suffer. This is a partial victory for my daughter Amina. Please include this in your newsletter for others to see. The Justice System can and does work. Thanks, Kim.

My Aspergers Child
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Mother Tells Her “Aspergers-related” Story

My son has a very mild case of Aspergers , but I have always held him to a high standard of behavior especially in regards to other kids… you hit/bite you get a time out, privileges taken etc.

My boyfriend has 2 children 7 and 8. The 8 yr old is mildly autistic. I have 3 family members who are autistic (all on the more severe side) so I have some experience in this, so dating him didn’t phase me at first.

He does not discipline them at all. His son plays "chicken" when my 11 yr old is mowing… almost gets run over, my son swerves to miss him and runs over some flowers, and I think my boyfriend was more upset about the flowers than the fact that his son caused it by jumping in front of the tractor.

We had a bonfire, and his son kept playing in the fire, waving smoldering sticks and waving them around, running at and near the fire.....if I hadn’t said anything I believe my boyfriend would have ignored all of this even when his son tripped and almost fell into the fire, had MY SON not caught him in time.

The kicker...his son bit my son who is 11, the next day. My son did not retaliate, went to the bathroom to look at the bite and have a bit of a cry. No punishment, no time out in fact his son was allowed to play video games 2 minutes later.

My boyfriend says, he gets that way… ummm so did my kids when they were 2 or 3. My nephews were never allowed to bite, hit, and play with fire. He doesn’t want to be "mean to his kids".

I’m kinda at a loss. I saw my sister raise a severely autistic child, with the full line of issues, behaviors, and social problems.

I think it’s just lazy parenting. His son is capable of behaving… he goes to day care and school and hasn’t bitten. He doesn’t run out in front of cars or ride his bike in a dangerous manner.

My Aspergers Child
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I suspect my husband has Aspergers. What should I do?

Question

I suspect my husband has Aspergers. What should I do?

Answer

Approaching your spouse with the idea that he may have Aspergers (high-functioning autism) can result in two completely different responses. Either he is concerned and interested in pursuing an answer to some obvious issues, or he is in complete denial. He may even decide that the problem stems from you.

In all honesty, most individuals with Aspergers are well aware that they don’t process things like other individuals. Relationships of any variety have been difficult since childhood. Sensory issues have plagued them, like noises others don’t hear and lights that others can ignore. The way they carry themselves seems less than graceful to fairly clumsy. Their obsessions overtake any attempt at normal social conversation. Yes, they know they are quirky, but have no concept of the reasons behind these differences.

Let’s assume that your spouse knows that something is different about the way he interprets life. In this case, he may be searching for the reason and welcome your involvement. You can find resources on the Internet that will help you understand him better and decide what action you both need to take, if any. On the Internet you can find articles that describe Aspergers in terms that he can relate to, and also several mini-evaluations that can help him decide if he wants to pursue a diagnosis.

Now let’s assume that he denies the possibility of Aspergers. As his wife, you have to respect his decision to keep things the way they are. But, this doesn’t mean you have to join him in denial. If you are married to a suspected adult with Aspergers, you can use a little help yourself to cope with his eccentric behavior. In either circumstance, the advice is virtually the same.

Contact your local chapter of any Autism or Aspergers support association. They offer assistance in all areas: therapy, steps to a diagnosis, family support, spouse support. Once you find the resources and support you need for yourself, you will be able to pass your knowledge on to your spouse. How you relay this knowledge, either directly or indirectly, depends on his response to the subject of Aspergers.

Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
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The 14 yr old has been having meltdowns and the 16 yr old is reacting to them...

Question

I'm in the middle of a separation that has many levels of drama and it's taking me a lot to manage. Meanwhile, I have 4 children - 3 boys and a girl. I have a teen that is on the Autism spectrum and one 2 yrs older. The 14 yr old has been having meltdowns and the 16 yr old is reacting to them which only escalates things in to fist fights and hole punches in my walls and asking for the male neighbors to come over and support me to bring order. The older one is suffering from the loss of his dad who at the same time resents for what he feels he suffered in abuse at his hands but, longs for him. It's just so much and I'm concerned that things will totally break before I can figure how to get past everyone’s hurt and now resentments and anger with each other. Help!!!!


Answer

Re: Siblings reacting to meltdowns...

Having a youngster with any type of developmental disability can be very stressful for the parents and the siblings of that youngster. This may be seen to be even more so at times for kids with (physically) hidden syndromes like ASD [High-Functioning Autism].

Kids with physical disabilities have a more visible and obvious disability. Whereas kids on the autistic spectrum tend to look exactly like other kids but can behave very differently.

For siblings this behavior can be difficult to understand even when they are aware of their sibling's autism. Many siblings can think of their autistic sibling as simply naughty or rude – particularly if they are quite young and unable to fully understand the issues involved.

Siblings may often feel embarrassed around peers, frustrated by not having the type of relationship with their sibling that they wanted or expected, and/or angry that the youngster with ASD requires so much of the parents' time. This can often mean the youngster not wanting to ask friends over to play, as they fear their sibling may embarrass them.

It is hard enough for parents of the youngster with ASD to understand why their youngster has this syndrome, much less why they behave the way they do.

Teach siblings about the disorder to the extent that they are able to understand. Let them know that it is okay to be frustrated with their sibling who is affected, but it won't help their relationship.

Let siblings know what that youngster needs, again to the extent that they can understand and provide as normal of an environment as possible. Try to make this as concrete as possible, and provide real life examples of what you mean that they can follow and relate to.

Obviously some family dynamics can make this tricky - but try to make some special parent-child time with the non-autistic sibling at least weekly.

In order to do this you may need to look to your family, friends or local social services to offer the youngster with autism somewhere to go for some respite (while you can then do some activity with their sibling).

This may mean staying in and watching a video or just chilling out in peace. Or it could involve a set activity like swimming, the cinema, walking, shopping etc. Whatever it is try to make it youngster-focused so that your youngster gets to determine what you do (within reason!)

It is often tempting to coddle the youngster with developmental disabilities, like ASD, and expect the other kids to do so as well. But, the youngster on the spectrum will benefit and learn social skills from their siblings as well, and they should be entitled to a reasonable amount of sibling rivalry as well as any other youngster.

You don't want to deny the youngster with ASD the typical childhood, which includes fighting over toys and television shows. These formative sibling relationships and experiences have a major effect on kids as they grow up (regardless of autism).

So to summarize, siblings need to know enough about their brother or sister's issues to give them an understanding at their level. They also need to know that it is OK to feel some negative emotions at times toward their sibling, and where ever possible, they need a little "special" time with you on their own.

 
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
 
 
More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

Click here to read the full article…

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Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

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Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

Click here to read the full article…

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Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

Click here to read the full article…

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Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Click here to read the full article...

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Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...
 
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A child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can have difficulty in school because, since he fits in so well, many adults may miss the fact that he has a diagnosis. When these children display symptoms of their disorder, they may be seen as defiant or disruptive.

Click here for the full article...
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Crucial Strategies for Parents of Challenging Kids on the Autism Spectrum

    Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum :   ==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children ...