Do you need some assistance in parenting your Aspergers or HFA child?
Click
here to use Mark Hutten, M.A. as your personal parent coach.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark
Our son Josh fell apart in 2012 at 15 and was diagnosed with Aspergers.
We followed your teachings and website very closely during those scary times!
Josh has now produced an incredible book ‘Josh’s Big Year’ about his journey and your website is one of two resources mentioned in the book.
Have a look at his website www.joshcrickmay.com to learn more about his journey.
We would love you to share his story on your network, not just to sell books but because Josh wants his story to give hope to so many parents out there who find themselves in our position. Josh embraces his Aspie status and works so hard at himself. In his words “It’s not a disorder it’s who I am!”
Would love to hear from you
Andrew and Kathy
South Africa
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark,
My name is Ash Francis, I work for Anvil 1893; a production company based in Los Angeles. We specialize in unscripted tv series and documentaries. We are currently developing a documentary about parents who are on the autism spectrum. We are in the initial stages of our development and are looking to speak with parents diagnosed with ASD and gain insight on their experiences and coping mechanisms. Often times there are documentaries that feature kids with ASD but never about mothers or fathers who are on the spectrum. Our goal is to not only highlight the challenges and struggles that come along with being a parent on the spectrum but also highlight the community and support systems put in place. We believe that is important to share these stories because they affect so many people in different ways. It is our hope that sharing these stories will inspire others and foster a greater support for the autism community specifically parents on the spectrum.
I know that you are an expert in the field, so I would love to chat with you in addition to any parents you can recommend. Please give me a call or send me an email so I can set up a Skype conversation with you and my VP of Development, Lisa Knapp who is leading this project. Right now, we are in the development stages and still gathering research on this project and to have your insight would be amazing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Holy cow I just had to email you to say thank you so much for your work and your excellent YouTube videos!
I was married for 13 years to my ex who was diagnosed by 3 counselors as having high functioning Aspergers. The few people in my family and friends close to me.. didn't believe me. It was like salt in the wound. So terribly painful. Your videos are spot-on! I read the Aspergers in love book and a couple others light bulbs went off for both of us.. he said he would do the work but ultimately was not able to. In therapy and at home he would crack his knuckles and stare at the ceiling.
The last counselor we went to worked with many from ESPN which is where my ex works. He explained many aspies going to tech fields where they can work independently.
I would love to help you or your work or support others. I learned from the books and counselors how to deal with him. Now that we're divorced and co-parenting we get along better and he is a good father.
Anyway thank you again it's so good to know your source is out there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Sir
I used to have a very close relationship with my 12-year old granddaughter. We share a love of classical music and used to sing, play the oboe and piano together. She won a chorister scholarship in our local cathedral two years ago but was ostracised by her peers and became so anxious and depressed that we took her out of the cathedral school and the choir.
She is now much happier in her new school, is working hard, doing well academically and pursuing her musical career (she has perfect pitch and excels in this field).
However, the bond we shared for 11 years has disappeared - she seems to dislike me and appears cold and indifferent. I’m finding this very hurtful and hard to cope with, as I love her very much,and wonder if you can advise me. Do I continue trying to sustain our relationship, or give her time and space by staying away?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My son and I are falling apart. My son carries dx of ASD, ODD, ADHD, ADD, Depression, Anxiety, Separation Anxiety. I have recently dx with ADD, Anxiety, Major Depressive Disorder. I am fighting to keep my son ( away from the state court-I am up on educational neglect charges). I feel they don't understand how his brain works. He missed a large chunk of school last school year (he tested in the top 5% of the state for last school year). I have been reading your site and I am confused about which book to get. We fight daily, nothing works ( I am realizing that I need to make some major changes in myself. He refuses to do homework, chores, feeding the dog, getting off of xbox, etc. No father involvement. I would greatly appreciate you recommendation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have a 15 year old son who is diagnosed with autism, ADHD and ODD We had to put him on Home school this semester because he refused to go and would run off.
He repeatedly defiant He has accidents in his pants multiple times a day tells us he wants to die wants to have no interaction with others anymore. Doesn't want to do anything including his school work except his Xbox where he pays minecraft. I stay at home now due to this increasly amount of responsibility for him. His is unable to read past a 1st grader and struggles through school socially, academically emotionally etc My husband and I disagree on a lot when it come to Luke and his behaviors. We recently experience an incident where Luke run off onto a busy street and told us he wanted to die, the police came and took him to a hospital Luke become increasingly violent they had to sedate him 3 times in order for him to calm down alone with tying him down to a chair His Psychiatrist recommended for him not to be sent to a behavior hospital. Luke does not share his emotions and it would not benefit him. The Dr. said we will have to do some behavioral modifications to help with his behavior but unfortunaly he said there is no cure. Any direction on help would be greatly appreciated .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello my name is David and I need help with my son. He has been diagnosed and he is 12 years old and we are homeschooling. I need help with some information on how to teach him better. If I can communicate and get some help as to how to teach him better as a learning coach it would be great. Sometimes I find myself frustrated and wonder why he doesn't understand some of the subjects that he's learning. But I do understand his condition I just don't know how to go about teaching him properly. I will be waiting for your response to see if I can get some help in helping him learn better.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We have a 16 year old son whom we know has aspergers. He has not been formally diagnosed. He is in counseling and we have not seen any improvement. We hope your curriculum will help.
Our current crisis is: Our son wanted a $100 Polo jacket. We explained to him that because he just had a birthday and Christmas is coming up that he would have to spend his birthday money to purchase the jacket himself. He has gone on a rant for 4 days now because of this. In his mind because we live in a large home and he says we buy his sister and brother EVERYThiNG they want that is it unfair and that we are horrible parents who do not love nor care about him because, “any good parent would get their kid a jacket in the dead of winter”. I told him we would be happy to get him a $15 or $20 jacket before Christmas and he could put the Polo jacket on his Christmas list because it was a “gift price” item. I explained to him that we never purchased his sister or brother items that expensive other than on their birthday’s or Christmas. Our other son’s birthday is 18 days before Christmas and our daughter’s is 18 days after Christmas and it is a very expensive time of the year for us. He honestly feels like he has been done wrong and his demolished his bedroom door, punched and kicked two holes in the wall, thrown an item against another door and put a hole in it and continues to be destructive. It is going on 4 days now. He ended up purchasing the jacket with his own birthday money but insists that we “refund him his $80 bucks” (we got a discount for him because I work at the store where he purchased it. My husband is ready to just give him the $80 and I am TOTALLY against it. If we do it will cause a major rift in our marriage. I don NOT think aspergers or not that a teen should be able to punch enough holes in the wall until he gets his way. I feel like it is setting a horrible standard. Please help! Any advice would be appreciated.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My daughter is Being treated for general anxiety disorder, depression, ADHD, OCD, at one point on suicide watch . Her Psychiatrist has suggested we research Aspergers Spectrum. I don’t know that his Handbook would be appropriate at her age. Would you recommend? She has taken a few of the online quizzes and I have looked back on her life and it seems to be a pretty good fit if you will. I just want her to be happy and know that she is OK. She says she has no purpose and just exsists. She is talented beyond belief, with a great sense of humor when you can get her to open up. She Just doesn’t see the amazing person that she is. Thank you for your time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Her Psychiatrist has pretty much confirmed it as money is tight and insurance doesn't cover much. She has researched our area and there just isnt the help for the recently diagnosed adult it is like geared toward helping the parents of the diagnosed child. If only more was known. About this when she was younger maybe her life would have turned out differently. Last night was a meltdown of epic proportion. She is on. Blogs trying to get help from. Others but it's not working most say they understand but can't offer any suggestions that she has to tried. The over help or support is at least an hour drive or more. She won't go by herself a day I work 3 jobs and can't just go with her it's been she and I since she was 5. My whole life is my daughter. This is excruciating watching her fall apart. Her Dr has her on a few med that most of the time keep her going. She is much improved compared to a year ago. Dr isn't so worried about the suicide anymore but after last night I'm not so sure I may give her a call depending how today goes. Seems like our best Avenue for help will be books and online research but blog sites concern me. Who is really at the other keyboard? Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello Mr. Hutten,
My name is Rachael, I have a newly 4 year old little boy named Noah..
I want to give a back story, because I believe it has a lot to do with his behavioral issues, and HFA (Asperger's).
When I was 34 weeks pregnant, My son's father regrettably passed away on the night of my baby shower. (I was 19 yrs old.) Super traumatizing at that age, and I still have issues. Unfortunately, Social Security refuses to provide us with SS Income, or Survivor benefits, nor am I qualified for Food stamps, welfare, etc. I couldn't pay the $49.00 for the membership because right now I'm super strapped. (I want to become a member, because we actually NEED this.)
But this needs to remain about helping my son, and getting him where he needs to be...
So fast-forward a little bit, Noah is super smart, and more excelled that the kids his age.. I've started noticing signs and symptoms that he was either Autistic or Asperger's... Noah is very aloof, terrible eye contact skills, sensory issues, emotional, temper-tantrums, you name it. He does not listen to me AT ALL> he will listen to everyone BUT me... (I think possible ODD and HFA).
Unless I'm just a terrible mother... I'm not sure. I would like to think that I'm a good mom, but the older he gets... the more I think I'm failing as a mother. :(
I'm not sure, if him not having a father has anything to do with it, since he doesn't see that other role, yet he sees me being both. (I think it is bothering him that I play both, could be getting bi-polar from it)
I don't have the extra cash right now, but hopefully after I pay off the bills this month, I could find extra and buy your program. I'm desperate. I can't go out in public because of his behavior, with his melt downs and not listening. He's gonna get hurt one day because he does not listen to anything I say.
I just need help, I'm not even sure you're going to read and respond, I could just be wasting my time again on a long email, basically begging for help, and nothing could come of this. but I know I'm trying, I'm trying to get my son help, and me too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I wanted to ask you about the part where you mentioned the difficulties a surviving Aspie spouse might have and the children might have. Are there measures that parents can take in advance in the case an unforeseable event ocurrs? Can the neurotypical parent do some kind of will? My husband does not want to be tested for Asperger’s. What measures can I take so that in the event I die others will know the situation my children find themselves in?
For my husband as it is for my mother (who also I am certain has Asperger’s) talking of a disability is taboo.
I found it immensely helpful. There is very little material on adult’s whose parents had Asperger’s. Your article captured much of what I experienced. It also recognized that children are perceptive and aware that something is wrong. My son is very much aware and living with an Aspie parent creates a lot of anxiety for him.
I want to make sure that in the unlikely event that something happens they will still have an emotionally and socially nurturing, not to mention functional, environment.
I look forward to your thoughts. Perhaps there is someone who specializes in this area that you might refer me to.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello Mark,
A few months ago I bought your complete guide to teaching students with Aspergers and HFA. I found the information included in it very helpful and thorough. You mentioned in your website you can be accessed as a coach and this is the reason why I am writing today.
I have a seven year old who has been diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome in my class. His main difficulty is that he gets overwhelmed around a lot of people. He cannot seem to be able to control himself at school. He gets angry, throws his books and pencils and asks to change school. He gets out of the classroom without permission. He thinks his classmates bother him, talk about him, make fun of him but on the contrary his classmates help him and even pick up his stuff when he throws them away. He screams and swears (using very bad words). He hits other children during break.
I have worked a lot with him using the techniques you suggest. He also did the program suggested in the STAMP treatment manual. He carries a little booklet with relaxation techniques with him at school. There is also a special teacher that comes in class to help him handle his anger, but she is only with him for a few hours Monday-Wednesday.
His mother tried to explain to him that his mind works differently than other children, that’s why he is so good at picking up the details, at math etc but he has difficulty handling his emotions when he is with other people. He doesn’t seem to get it, he is persuaded that it’s the other children’s fault. Maybe he is too young to handle it.
He doesn’t want to go to school because he is afraid he won’t be able to handle himself and hit someone again.
We already had some complaints about him from parents whose children he hit. We need to do something before the situation gets worse. How can we make him realize that his classmates are not against him and want to help him?
Thank you in advance.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our son, Kevin has been using marijuana regularly.
He is now 18 years old (last week turned 18). I believe he is addicted as we have tried several things.....
aaa
After sophomore year of high school, he attended a great wilderness therapy program for the summer in Idaho - We saw our old Kevin back, very fun, loving and clean.
He did attend a college prep boarding school (traditional) for his junior year, away from home He did very well academically and played sports. He does suffer from a bit of depression and anxiety, but now its hard tot ell
what is what with the marijuana use. We decided we really wanted him home his senior yer as it was his last year before college as he always wanted to attend a good college. Again, grades are not good and he is using 2 x daily.
We now have him seeing an addictiion counselor. We are all for recovery for Kevin but do not think he wants help.
I hate to see my son struggling so much....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My grandson is a high functioning autistic/aspberger's boy and his 16th birthday is December 1st.
I haven't seen my grandson in several years. My son and wife live in South Carolina-I live in Virginia-an 8hr drive away.
I am 82 and worried that I will not see Thomas before I die.
A visit from me would be some kind of disruption-as I see it.
I ask my son why they don't even acknowledge his birthday. I asked if I could send something for his birthday.I must admit there are hard feelings between
my son and his siblings who live here in Virginia. They think their brother is wrong to isolate Thomas from his family.
I would like to have your opinion, or advice.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mr Hutten, Thank you for your reply. I try not to be confrontational with my son. They are raising my grandson with good intentions. My son taught Thomas
to swim and they use a post pool at Ft. Jackson 2-3 times a week. He also plays piano and takes lessons. My son says he is accomplished at the piano.
But I have questions and why birthday celebrations are verboten. I sent a tiny music box last year that played happy birthday, but my son said he didn't
give it to Thomas. He does have a ''stim''-ceiling fans. I guess it would be called an obsession in a situation other than autism.
I want to add that he is also a good swimmer. The lifeguards at the pool thought he should compete because he is so fast, but my son explained that it was
out of the question because of the noise of a crowd, and traveling to a pool{s} unfamiliar.I am curious as to other parents raising their Asperger's son and
if it is much different than my grandson's upbringing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My grandson is 5 yrs old, I believe he has Asperger's but hasn't been diagnosed yet. The symptoms sound just like they are talking about him.
I try to help him out as much as I know how, my husband (grandpa) his generation is ignore it and it will go away. Mom and dad doesn't seem to interested in helping out. He needs some help. We have him 5 days out of the 7 days, including night as well.
He will be entering kindergarten fall of 2018. Hes in early childhood preschool now with OT, PT and speech. I don't think its working. What else can I do?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark,
My name is Inês and I am NT.
I realised a few months ago watching a documentary that my husband has Aspergers. I am a medical doctor and I suspected he had autistic traits before but when I mentioned it to him he would get really angry.
I just ended up telling myself most men especially engineers are like this and blaming most of our differences being because we have a different culture and language ( I am European he is Australian).
But the culture difference was more the NT and Aspie! Not Europe and Australia!
It explained so many things!
We had some very difficult times and I was really close to a burn out.
Don’t get me wrong I always knew my husband loved me and that he was a good and honest man.
But in a NT view some of his reactions seemed to show the opposite.
I was struggling to put “two and two” together and feeling isolated because other people would just not understand and think I was in denial about who he really is.
But now I know I was right all along and that my husband does love me and is an amazing man. He just thinks in a very different way.
I want to thank you for your website and your ebook. I read it really fast and it was so helpful. I made my husband listen to the podcasts and he did think they were useful too. Hopefully he will read the ebook as well when he feels like it.
I just have some advice to ask. How can I convince my Aspie husband to have children?
I’m 30 now and I really want us to start a family. I tried being logical and not giving emotional reasons. I think it half worked but he is still really scared.
We have family support, are financially stable and everything has finally fallen into place in our lives to make this a good time to start.
But he is still scared.
Also it’s hard for him to be flexible in his routine and regarding our relationship to also make pregnancy physically likely to happen.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
our daughter has a 7 year old who was diagnosed a few years ago as suffering with mild Aspergers. Recently he has been diagnosed as also suffering with ADHD and was immediately started on Ritalin as there were massive issues at school that were resulting in him being suspended every second week.
Reading the points on your tutorial on how to treat a teen Aspergers sufferer it seems that our daughter is enduring many of the issues that you address. We are wondering whether or not this is the tutorial that would serve her best in dealing with her 7 year old who seems to exhibit many of the traits described in the teen sufferer, or if there is some other tutorial that may be better for he circumstances. Our biggest concern at the moment is that the relationship between mother and son seems almost toxic and abusive and as there is a two year old daughter and sister in the household, the picture complicates further.
Our daughter is separated from the father of the two children and doesn’t have her son living with her full time. She is currently embarking on having him live with her for the next seven weeks but the situation is breaking down after only 24 hours. She seems unable to cope with the constant disrespect, arguing and fighting and is in desperate need of some form of assistance,.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning Mr.Hutten
I am glad that I can find your information on how to deal with teen who is on the spectrum. Although haven't officially diagnosed yet, (she is 14 years old and carry the trait as my husband) this is just one way of how to deal and communicate with my daughter. My husband is also self diagnosed aspergers. I have a question for you, do you also have marriage couple support by emailing? thankyou kindly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I adopted my daughter at the age of 7. She turned 19 last week. It has been a long haul. She had a history of abuse and neglect prior to the adoption so there were attachment issues. She had many, many behavior issues from the beginning and with the help of a great adaptive behavior teacher she made great progress except in one respect. She has never been able (or willing to accept the word no). If you tell her no or take something from her or remove a privilege then she begins yelling, demanding, screaming, and ultimately becoming aggressive. When she was 12 I was diagnosed with cancer and am still facing many medical issues as a result. The constant stress and turmoil of her almost daily meltdowns is literally killing me. It is just beating me down. Two years ago things were so bad that she went to a group home for the year. She wanted to go because she didn't want to follow the rules and wanted to be anywhere but with me (I am a single parent). So, with much despair and feeling like a complete failure I allowed her to go to the group home. She hated it but she stayed for the school year. She begged me to come back. I made her sign a contract about her behavior and for a while it was good. Then school came and all back...the electronics addiction. She will do whatever it takes to gain internet access to watch cartoons (her special interest). I have no issue at all with the fact that she likes cartoons. I do have an issue with the fact that she has no self control and this becomes a huge issue. She sneaks on them in class. She abuses it at home and gets on it when she isn't allowed. She has taken other people's phones, tablets, etc to watch cartoons. She lies and denies doing it even when caught. I am at a loss. Over the summer we started working with an ABA therapist to improve her socialization skills and she was doing really well at home, with her therapist and at her job. So we worked out a system where she had 2 hours per day of screen time and could add increments of 10 minutes if she did things like cook a meal for herself or help make the grocery list...things she doesn't like but needs to know for her independence. It worked beautifully. Then school started up. She told me daily that she was following the rules in class and doing her work. A few weeks in I receive emails and calls letting me know that she was once again sneaking on the computer in class, asking students for their phones, or taking them if they were on their desks. I was flabbergasted. I told her that the deal was if she used her screen time inappropriately in school then she would not have it at home. So she has now ultimately lost her time altogether. I have taken away both her computer and phone because of the constant fits and meltdowns regarding this. I am truly at my breaking point. She is still sneaking on it at school and lying about it to both me and the ABA therapist. She tries to get her to "tell me to give it back". She will act appropriately for 2 or 3 days and then say now I want it back or else and if she doesn't get it she will scream, yell, demand, hit, etc. The week before the Thanksgiving break she refused to get out of the car for school in the morning and screamed for 45 minutes that she wanted her phone. I told her if she didn't get out of my car I was going to call the police. She immediately stopped screaming looked me in the eyes and said, "Go ahead. I haven't touched you. They can't do anything to me."
I feel like I am trapped in my own home. I never know if today is going to be the day that she goes off. When she does it is for hours on end. I am in therapy myself and she said that I am responding as if I have PTSD. It has been this way for years. She has been fixated on cartoons since she was 11. The cartoons themselves have changed but not the interest in them. It isn't just the sneaking and lying. If she watches them for too long then she needs more and more and more. It seriously seems like a true addiction. If she watches the too late she stays up acting them out in her head over and over and can't function the next day. She gets to the point that she can't dress herself. Prior to going to the group home she would refuse to stop watching them to go to the bathroom and had started ticketing in her pants again at 15-17 years old. Her ABA therapist is coming twice a week and they are working on emotional regulation but it really seems like she is going through the motions. She keeps asking how long do I have to do this to get my stuff back. I told her she ran this off in the ditch in about 5 months time and had many chances to change the behavior so now she really needs to work on building trust and changing the behavior but she gets angry at that response.
Prior to getting sick I was a teacher. I have kept her in therapy. I had her in social skills classes and she flew through them but then once out of that setting preferred to isolate herself. I had her in Christian Youth Theatre because she loves to act and sing. I had her in rehab driving lessons but the instructor said she wasn't emotionally mature enough to handle the feedback so we have to delay them for a while. I have been consistent in discipline except when I was sick for the year and a half with cancer. She was bounced around with family and friends on weekends so I could rest. I am sure they let her watch the tv to not deal with the meltdowns. I am also sure that most of her teachers don't say much because she is a strong student and will get her work done also. However, the aide in the class has to redirect her to do so. She wants to go to junior college in the fall and has been accepted but I am concerned that with no self control that she will not fare well at all. I don't even know if we will make it that long together. I love her but I can barely tolerate her now.
Her diagnosis are: Asperger's, ADHD, Bipolar Disorder, and they told me she might be Oppositional Defiant. She was born addicted to cocaine and had to go through withdrawal. Her birth mom abused drugs and alcohol. She was removed from her birth mom at the age of 3 and I adopted her at 7. Prior to that she was in 4 foster homes. We had a hard time with attachment and I thought we were there and then I was diagnosed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My name is Jennifer. I live in Moultrie Ga. I have a 12 year old son that was diagnosed about 4 years ago with ADHD, ODD, Separation Anxiety and Asperger. We see a psychiatrist and get medicine for his ADHD. but we we still have anger issues. He has always gotten mad and threw things or would run and hide or just sit and scream for no rhyme or reason but here lately he has gotten violent with me. I have tried to get help but seems to be able to help or cant tell me where to go to get help. I am at my wits end I dont know where to turn. I need help in understanding how to deal with this and how to help him deal with this before he winds up hurting me or himself. CAN YOU HELP.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark,
Wow...you hit us on the head all of it. I am literally telling myself to get up daily because I have no desire to face my life anymore. We had counseling for RAD initially from our adoption therapist but she would never truly participate in therapy or talk. I would. I was so frustrated. I have lost almost all of my friends because of her behaviors. No one wants her at their home and in turn doesn't want me. My sister turned me in for child abuse because she couldn't believe that my 9 year old daughter was hitting herself and causing bruises and damaging things.
I have dealt or tried to deal with all of my guilt. Did I do enough? Did I over indulge? I just wanted to give her a good life. I did get frustrated and angry. I have put up walls. Now, I hardly talk to her. I have such resentment towards her. Yes, I go to my own therapist regularly to work on my depression and this issue. It just never ends. I am always crying and not eating or sleeping. I have contemplated taking my life to end this hell. There really is no one left in my corner. My own mother told me well you adopted her so you made this choice to take on all these problems and you got what you asked for. It is almost 13 years later and it is like nothing has changed. She does play everyone against everyone else. Therapists vs. Me, my mom vs. me, teachers vs. Me, even her coworkers vs. Me.
So, thank you as I am typing this with tears streaming I feel a sense of relief that I am not crazy in what I have lived through or told others.
However, you have said that consequences should be short and brief. How do I handle her electronics compulsion/addiction. She looks at the fact that I have taken the phone and computer as a consequence and I have taken them because she was abusing them but they were also the source of daily battles and meltdowns. My therapist told me to remove the problem. Honestly, it has been better. I know she still sneaks some at school but she doesn't have access at home. What would you recommend. Her ABA therapist has told me that I need to give her a concrete timeline that she can have to work towards earning back her phone and computer. Is that how I should handle this?
As for her...with this RAD and Asperger' s and ADHD and Bipolar Disorder what is the actual likelihood that she will be able to attend college and then be a productive member of society? I know there are no absolutes. She is so bright. She is an A/B student in regular general ed classes. She really only has support for the ADHD and the behavior. However, this manipulative behavior along with her unwillingness to learn daily living skills concerns me. She refuses actual counseling on her own because there is no benefit to her because she can't use it to manipulate me. I am asking because I need to make some hard choices. I can't continue like this. If ultimately she will end up in a group home then perhaps that is the next step.
I am dealing with Lupus, Psoriatic Arthritis, Chronic Opportunistic Infections (from stress and as a result of the meds I take), Major Depression, Hypothyroidism, High Blood Pressure, Chronic fatigue and pain.
I just need some answers to hopefully make a plan. She knows that my health is bad and pushes until I end up at the hospital or in my room sick.
I have wondered why after all this time she has never once (on her own) thought to make or buy me a card or gift for any occasion. She rarely says I love you but will scream I hate you at the drop of a hat. She will say things like..."If you love me then you will do....or "A real mom would..." and it is always "Why are you doing this to me?" She never accepts responsibility for her actions.
I know I am rambling. I just am barely clinging on to anything at this point. I just don't understand how any human could treat another like she treats me but tgen expect what she does in return. I feel so many different things at once. I want to love her she us my daughter but she has hurt me deeply. I have given almost everything I have to help her financially, emotionally and physically and there is nothing left of me. I feel resentment now. I feel guilt for the resentment. I feel angry that I am stuck. I feel stuck. I feel like I can't just ask her to leave even though she is an adult.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Go to medium.com/an-aspie-comes-out-of-the-closet. Click on Latest Stories and you'll find the cover, the prologue and chapters 1-8. The book is titled "An Aspie Does Basic...Badly." The subtitle is "1971: Peace, Love And Remembering To Use The Front Sight On The M-16. It tells the story of a scared-to-death Aspie and his struggle to get to the end of boot camp. Keep in mind this was during the Vietnam War when only a few researchers knew about the autistic spectrum. The print version will be available in a few weeks. The main goal of this project is to increase the public's awareness of Asperger's. To that end, I'll give a book to anyone who wants one. Just contact me at garretmath@gmail.com
I’m retired from writing the metro column for the Evansville, Ind., Courier & Press. I penned more than 6,500 stories and columns in a 39-year newspaper career on a variety of subjects from murderers and moonshiners to the members of a snake-handling church. My legacy website — www.pluggerpublishing.com — has links to some of my favorite columns as well as my writing about pet subjects, Appalachia and the civil rights movement. Scroll down to learn about my several books and plays.
In 2016, I learned that I have Asperger’s. It was a great relief to finally put a name on this “thing” that has sat on top of my head for so long. When I found out why I’ve always been different, it was like unbuttoning a cement overcoat. Now I understand why I think this, why I avoid that.
I blog on the subject at medium.com/an-aspie-comes-out-of-the-closet. I have been in touch with dozens of men and women who work with Asperger’s folks in their roles as counselors and therapists. I’ve also reached out to universities and colleges who have programs designed to help Aspies adjust to campus life. If I can contribute — even peripherally — to just one person having a similar “Aha” understanding, this effort will be worthwhile.
A decade ago, I wrote a memoir about my Army basic training at Fort Leonard Wood, Mo., in the fall of 1971 and how scared I was.
Scared because the military was new and I hate new. Scared because the Army is all about bivouacs and cooties and going to bed dirty and I require a daily minimum of two showers. Scared because I don’t prefer the company of strangers. Scared because I had just completed four years of free and easy college life, and now I was darkening down a path that would be the polar opposite.
Indeed, a part of me actually believed I would certainly be maimed, if not killed, because in my nervousness and fear I would do something to offend the Defense Department.
The stress was almost unbearable. The other trainees would wink at each other when the drill instructors threatened to throw the entire lot of of us into the stockade. I took the words at face value. I could just barely handle the barracks. How could I possibly deal with being locked up?
I didn’t know I was on the spectrum. I had never even heard the words. I just knew I was terrified.
My saga is based on a diary I faithfully kept during the proceedings plus notes I scrawled in moments of sit-down time during guard mount and KP and when I did typing work for the supply sergeant.
These days the United States has an all-volunteer military. Men and women with autism serve only if they want to.
That wasn’t the case in 1971 when the country was waist-deep in the Vietnam War. I had a low lottery number from the nationwide draft which meant the armed services required my presence.
I was trying to figure out a long-form project regarding my Asperger’s. Then it hit me. Let’s revisit the Army tale, but this time in full honesty and disclosure.
In my initial piece, I glossed over my lack of social skills and my inability to attract women because I wanted to appear at least somewhat cool. This time I’m telling the truth. Verily I say unto you. I was a virgin in the female department. Friendless in the male department. And, yes, not cool.
I’m keeping a good deal from the original manuscript. Here I am at the grenade range afraid I’ll drop the thing and my remains be scattered throughout the Midwest. Here I am being screamed at for not having the common sense to know how to attach the bayonet to the M-16. Here I am unable to make my bed in such manner as to please the Pentagon.
But I added material from the lens of my newly minted Aspie self that helps explain why I was so scared and why I was convinced only the worst would happen.
Why am I doing this?
— Sue me for bragging, but I think this basic training recollection contains some of the funniest stuff I’ve ever written. Fear indeed does begat humor. It’s devilishly delicious to look back at my Fort Leonard Wood experience.
— I want to help folks better understand Asperger’s. Here we have a real-life Aspie caught up in the dread and fear of a new situation and a new environment. What coping mechanisms did he use to get to the end?
— I want to suggest to Aspies considering the military that perhaps joining the service isn’t a good idea.
— While I hated every second of my military duty, I want to trumpet one positive outcome. In high school, I took many classes with boys and girls who were also college-bound. During my four years at Blacksburg, Va., I never hung out with anyone who wasn’t enrolled at Tech or some other institution of higher learning. One of the first persons I encountered in Central Missouri was a little black kid who came to the post in bedroom slippers — the only shoes the son of a sharecropper possessed. There were dozens of others in Alpha Company who came from poor households. Spending time with them was an education unto itself, one I badly needed.
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — -
The book can be accessed for free online. If you’d like a complimentary print copy, I’ll be happy to provide one. Contact me at garretmath@gmail.com.
Matthew Skillern of Indianapolis drew the cover art.
Some of this material originally appeared in “Defending My Bunk Against All Comers, Sir!” by the Zone Press.
The photographs are public domain from the Vietnam era. Nary a snapshot was taken at Fort Leonard Wood.
The story is based on men I lived with in the college dorm, and those I marched with at FLW. With one exception, I did not use real names. I combined two or more people into one when I felt it necessary for clarification and simplification. I have also taken certain liberties in the telling of the story, particularly having to do with the precise sequence of events and who said what to whom.
Thanks to the Internet, I managed to contact several guys in my basic training platoon. They shared some details that helped with the narrative.
Drill instructor Raymond Waldspurger is quite real. I never forgot the compassion he showed to me and others during boot camp. I wrote to every Waldspurger on Google’s phone list hoping to get the right one. “Thank you so much,” I penned. “Your kindness meant everything to me.”
A few months before undertaking this project, I heard from Raymond’s sister, Mrs. Marion Copes of Pinellas Park, Fla. She told me he served 23 years in the Army and three years in the Navy. He volunteered for two tours of duty in Vietnam. Raymond moved to Florida in his later years where he did security work and was a maintenance man for a Catholic Church.
He died in 2015. Mrs. Copes found my letter when going through his things.
“He didn’t keep in touch with many from the military and I never came across any scrapbook or such in his papers,” she wrote. “The fact that he kept your letter must have been because it meant a great deal to him.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello Mr.Hutton,
I have read your book and you gave me great hope. However, my dear husband does not believe he has Aspergers, and he has claimed to have taken an “online test” and read articles that I found when I first discovered about aspergers 3 years ago, but it hasn’t helped. Me mentioning it seemed to have made it worse. But my husband still has been getting better with his anger over the 24 years we have been married. But he still has unpredictable moments where he is triggered and he gets extremely angry (meltdown). We almost separated last December, and this week he had another meltdown, but they are fewer and farther in between.
I just want him to see an expert to diagnose him so we can work together without anymore denial. He finally agreed to see someone of my choosing. I would like to choose you, but do you diagnose over video call?
Please let me know if this is at all possible, and what your rates are.
If you are not able to do so, would you be able to recommend someone?
We are in Denver, Co.
Thank you and I look forward to your reply.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mr. Hutton,
Our son is not diagnosed with Aspergers. He is 18 and a senior in high school. You mention using these principles with kids up to 19 so I assume at 18 he can still benefit (and especially that my husband and I can benefit) from the principles you will teach. Am I correct?
A bit of background: When we adopted him from a Russian Baby House at 15 months, he looked like a child with severe autism or retardation. Once we got him home, he normalized a lot. Still, there were some quirks: odd fixation on movies/actors/pop culture (which remains to this day). Extremely out of sorts if we took him anywhere new. Extremely out of sorts if we changed his schedule. Throws fits to this day every time we have a family birthday or holiday - if it centers on him or not, he has a meltdown. Etc.
At age 8 or 9, we had him evaluated at Children's Hospital in Akron, OH - I suspected he had ADHD. I was homeschooling him, so I had a tight reign on his schedule and his work - sending him back to do it again and again and again if needed. They instead diagnosed him with anxiety and gave us parenting strategies that worked pretty well. FIRM boundaries, FIRM structure, etc. They told us the teachers would not put up with him and his needs without medication and I tried to avoid meds as much as possible as I could tell he struggled with depression and I worried that he'd get suicidal (he already talked about wanting to die). We worked with his diet, schedules, etc. We made it through to 10th grade, but I frankly I burned out because he takes 100% of my time if he is in the house. He is now in a public charter school (because there is flexibility in letting him do work at home if he wants to) and he's at the local college doing dual credit.
He has been though trauma therapy and counseling - many adoption issues, post-abuse/post-neglect issues, etc. In spite of that, he is not right. My husband has long thought he is on the spectrum. I did not know what that meant. Despite our efforts and the input from therapists and counselors and social workers, he cuts every 2-5 days and has told us in heated moments that he will not go with us to any more counselors - it doesn't work and he doesn't want to change. He is so mindless we don't dare let him behind the wheel of a car. We let him bike all over town - he loves freedom and independence. But there is no way we dare teach him to drive - it will HAVE to be in car that has a brake in the passenger side. They will use it A LOT. At first he fought us tooth and nail over it. But lately, he realizes how serious driving is and is now terrified by it.
I have a new friend who is married to an Aspie and has two Aspie sons. She told me, "Karen, I love Caleb and really bonded to him. He feels like family. And, his issues scream to me 'Aspergers!' " I came home and looked up Aspergers, took several online tests and he fits it EXTREMELY well. Every time I think of why he might not be an Aspie, I tell my friend and she will say, "Actually, he DOES fit it because of xyz." This is way over my head. My "more patient than Job" husband is also burned out and at the end of his margin with this child. We love him to death, but we are exhausted all the time trying to help him and nothing works. He is the oldest of 4. The youngest is 4 years old. He has seen more nasty attitude/behavior/words (Caleb fixated on swear words when he went out to school and mumbles profanity under his breath so that his siblings hear but his parents do not). My 4 year old has asked me, "Will Caleb hurt Daddy?" It breaks my heart that a person I love so much is being such an awful influence to other people that I love so much. I have threatened all the things you mention in your link, including - I will call the police if you don't simmer down NOW. I am burned out and heart-broken.
He is failing every class in college - he is doing dual high school/college credit. The college experience has put his anxiety over the top. I took him to a family doc to see if they could help him with the anxiety - it's time for meds (I think). In general, in front of them, he agrees he will do what they say but as soon as we are home, Caleb ditches all advice given to him by the professionals. Of course none of them have dealt with him as an Aspie. But even as we look into it and he himself thinks he fits the description, he uses that as a reason to keep on with his bad behavior and letting the rest of us know we just have to deal with it because that is how it is.
The doc agreed with my observations but wants him to see a psychiatrist. I have an appointment for him at our local mental health place at the local hospital, but they start with therapy and then move to psychiatry if they deem it necessary. In some ways, it feels like we're back at square one - working at the counseling level before getting a psychiatrist eval. But, he is cutting so often and so over the top with anxiety that he is willing to do that. He told me that on a scale of 1-10 with anxiety, he is a 13. If I want to go directly to a psychiatrist, there is a waiting list and Feb is the earliest I can get him in. So, we have an appointment on Monday Dec 11th with the therapist/and eventual psychiatrist route.
My husband and I are desperate for help. I found your link via my friend with the Aspie husband. Your little blurb about what a defiant aspie/HFA teen is had me almost sobbing. My daughters listened in and looked at me in shock, "They're describing Caleb!" You describe our life. We have been to COUNTLESS doctors and mental health professionals and no one ever diagnosed him on the autism spectrum. He must be very high functioning or something. But your list of description is almost identical to my child. He watched a movie about Temple Grandin and said that he identifies with how she sees pictures in her mind. He connects best with kids on the spectrum - he knows one in his college class and he met two at a youth conference. He is otherwise socially awkward and terribly annoying - it is painful to see him try to relate to other kids/teens. HE does not take my or Kevin's advice on what to do so that he can make friends. He is the way he is. He does not go into a shell in social situations, he just acts out dreadfully inappropriately and annoyingly. He is a bad influence on other kids too - we've had parents tell us they are sorry and they like Caleb but they have to protect their easily led kids from his bad influence. Caleb is very manipulative, lies constantly, and blows up over small things. He is also dramatic, loud, and outgoing (very friendly - he knows more people in town than any of the rest of us combined), which doesn't fit the autism thing but Erika explained to me that not all Aspies will speak in a monotone.
I'm desperately worried about him launching because he leaves stove burners on and I find it HOURS later. He leaves water running... He's terribly scatterbrained, unfocused (except on what HE wants to focus on), etc. But I'm worried about protecting him from my other kids. He is NEVER alone with any of them for any length of time (except for me to run out to the mailbox or the bathroom). He does not respect others' personal boundaries (he explores other people's stuff, rooms, etc). He gets irritated with the 4 year old and hits him (as though he were 4 but he's a lot bigger and more dangerous). So we have to supervise him at ALL times.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Dr. Hutten,
How do I convince my son he has an addiction to smoking marijuana (and cigarettes) when he believes he does not have a problem and has no interest in stopping? He is 24 years old and is currently enrolled a great trade school where he was doing great until recently. He lives at home, and does not have a job.This decision was originally made for two reasons. The first one was so he wouldn’t get too stressed out and would be able to focus fully on school. The other reason was a reason of “fairness” on our sons part. Mikey (our son) reminded us that we allowed our daughter to go to college and did not require her to have a job. Anyway, when you look at Mikey, he looks like everyone else, and performs well at tasks he enjoys. He has great manners, and can have great eye-contact. Most people that meet him think he is just quirky, or “nerdy”. He is sensitive, friendly, nice and big-hearted. However, in addition to his smoking habits and self-medicating, he is unmotivated to help around the house, he can be very forgetful, irresponsible, has no sense of financial responsibility, hangs out w/irresponsible “friends”, and constantly lies. He does not think he has a problem w/smoking pot and thinks that it actually helps him. We are unfortunately watching how this drug is taking our son down in so many ways, it’s sad. We are overwhelmed, and have tried talking to him in every way we know how. He sees a psychiatrist (my son takes Risperdal, Trazadone, and Wellbutrin). He has been taking the first two since age 5, and to this day cannot remember to take his Risperdal three times a day. And his psychiatrist is aware of his habits and tells him that it cancels out his meds and that he is not giving his real meds a fighting chance to do their job. He disregards this advice, obviously. And on top of this, we live on one salary and my disability which does not offer anything leftover to save. His psychiatrist is covered under our insurance, (UHC), but all he really does is prescriptions. He always suggests a psychologist or therapist who can devote more time to help w/his problems. This would great if we could afford it, and offered us a way to listen in -just to make sure that they are getting the whole picture. Anyway, I could go on and on, but I know e-mails are supposed to be short! (Oops, this wasn’t exactly short!) If you have any suggestions, thoughts or advice, I would be forever grateful. Thank you, and Happy Holidays!
• Another great way to instill feelings of competency in your child is to encourage her to take on tasks she shows interest in, and then make sure she follows through to completion. It doesn’t matter what the interest is. It can be anything from beating levels in video games to Karate. The point is for your child to stick with what she starts so she feels that sense of achievement in the end.
