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Disciplinary & Intervention Guidelines for Parents of High-Functioning Autistic Kids

“My 8 y.o. son has autism (high-functioning) and is constantly disrespectful, talks back, is stubborn. He thinks that we (parents) are 'being mean' to him. We have tried reward charts, try to be encouraging and positive, have taken away computer and TV, removing the thing he is playing with, setting him in a corner, doing extra chores, and NOTHING works. We are just so discouraged because nothing seems to be getting through. We have read dozens of books and seemingly tried everything. Please help. I am going insane!”

Traditional disciplinary techniques often fail to produce the desired results for kids with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) and Asperger’s (AS), mainly because these “special needs” children are unable to appreciate the consequences of their actions. Consequently, punitive measures are apt to exacerbate the type of behavior the punishment is intended to reduce.

Disciplining young people displaying autism-related behaviors will require an approach that is somewhat unique to that of “typical” children. Finding the balance between understanding the needs of the HFA or AS youngster, and the disciplinary strategy that is age-appropriate and situationally-necessary will be achievable when applying some of the strategies listed below. These strategies can be implemented at home, school, and in other public settings.

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's


Crucial disciplinary guidelines for parents [and teachers]:

1. A short list of rules – along with a visual depiction of each rule – should become your youngster's property, and depending upon the situation, should be kept in his pocket for ready reference.

2. Active ignoring is a good consequence for misbehavior meant to get your attention. This means not rewarding “bad behavior” with your attention – even if it's negative attention (e.g., scolding or yelling).



3. After disciplining your youngster for doing something wrong, always offer a “substitute behavior” (e.g., if she is hitting you to get your attention, work on replacing that with getting your attention by tapping your shoulder).

4. Before you transition from one activity to another, or approach a situation where behavior may deteriorate, discuss with your youngster what will happen, review the family rules, and remind him of the consequences (both good and bad) of any misbehavior. This information may need to be broken down into a few simple instructions and repeated often.

5. Change (not “lower”) your standards. With an HFA or AS youngster, parents need to learn to live in the present moment. The milestones of your youngster’s life are less defined, and the future less predictable (though your youngster may surprise you). In the meantime, set the standards for your youngster at an appropriate level.

6. Children with HFA and AS tend to enjoy being isolated, because it is less stressful for them and they do not have to socialize with others. Therefore, time-outs can actually be a positive experience unless modified slightly. Removing kids from something fun is a better alternative. For example, if the youngster loves to play games on his iPad, the iPad can go in a time-out area – for a period of 15 minutes at most, otherwise the child will feel as though he has lost the privilege for an eternity and will act-out accordingly.

7. Create a list of behaviors your youngster CAN’T control due to his disorder. The list may include items such as repetitive behaviors, poor peer relations or lack of social skills, being easily distracted, sensory sensitivities, obsessive/compulsive tendencies, meltdowns, etc. These are the behaviors that your child should NEVER be punished for. Your youngster will require help and guidance to overcome these issues.

8. Don’t assume your youngster will automatically transfer and apply information previously learned in one environment to a new situation that, in your mind, is remarkably similar. For kids on the autism spectrum, a new situation is a new situation.

9. Enlist the help of your child in creating a “consequence plan.” For each negative behavior you have identified as inappropriate, the two of you decide on a consequence. Discipline needs to be clear, concise, consistent and calm. When your youngster misbehaves, tell her in a few words what she did wrong, and tell her the consequence (which she agreed to in the planning stage).

10. For kids on the spectrum, it is important that the consequence or reward immediately follow the behavior in order to have the greatest effect and opportunity to teach.

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's


11. Kids with HFA and AS require more exposure to discipline before they begin to understand expectations. Parents must follow through and apply discipline EVERY time there is an incident in order to effectively send a message. Kids who have trouble learning respond very well to consistent structure and limits. But for this to work, moms and dads must be consistent.

12. Kids on the spectrum thrive on clear rules. Thus, post a list of unacceptable behaviors and their consequences in a prominent location. For younger kids who can’t read yet, the rules can be reviewed periodically, and the list should have visual illustrations to demonstrate the unacceptable behaviors and consequences associated with them.

13. Look for small opportunities to deliberately allow your youngster to make mistakes for which you can set aside “discipline-teaching” time. It will be a learning process for you and your youngster.

14. Never assume that your HFA or AS child will understand appropriate social behavior under a wide variety of specific circumstances, and when that doesn't occur, discipline in the moment.

15. Prioritize problematic behaviors rather than trying to fight multiple battles at one time. List the top 3 behaviors that you feel are most deserving of attention. This is an important step, because (a) many of the smaller problems will take care of themselves once the bigger issues have been resolved, and (b) some behaviors need an intervention or therapy in order to be eliminated rather than simple disciplinary techniques.

16. Reset your anger buttons. Your autistic youngster will inevitably do some things that will frustrate the hell out of you, but getting angry with him will only worsen things. So, when you catch yourself starting to get angry – YOU take a time-out. If you’re still angry after the time-out – don’t show it! Put on a “poker face.”

17. Social stories, developed to help HFA and AS kids understand difficult situations, are particularly helpful for teaching appropriate behaviors.

18. Through role play, you can provide your youngster with alternatives to problematic behaviors (e.g., hitting, yelling, throwing, etc.).

19. View all problematic behaviors as “signals of needs.” Everything an autistic youngster does tells you something about what she needs.

20. While it is true you have to change your expectations of your HFA or AS youngster, you don’t have to lower your standards of discipline. It’s tempting to get lax and let a “special needs” child get by with behaviors you wouldn’t tolerate in your other kids. Your youngster needs to know, early on, what behaviors you expect. Many moms and dads wait too long to start “behavior training.” It’s much harder to redirect a 170 pound teenager than a 45 pound 3rd grader.

21. Your HFA or AS youngster likely has triggers that can cause her to become distressed, which may result in a meltdown. Watch carefully for these triggers and distract her when you sense an outburst coming on. For instance, if she thrives on a schedule and you need to change it for some reason, let her know carefully and watch for signs of a meltdown during the change.




22. If parenting strategies fall short and do not yield the desired outcomes, then seeking outside assistance from a therapist who specializes in autism spectrum disorders is highly recommended. There are various standard courses of treatment, with each treatment modality addressing a different set of issues. Some of the most common treatment options include:
  • Applied Behavioral Analysis is a form of therapy used to teach basic skills in many different areas.
  • Cognitive-behavioral therapy is used to treat the emotional side of HFA and AS (e.g., anxiety, depression, obsessions, etc.). 
  • Occupational therapy is basically used to teach independence. Grasp, handwriting, social skills, and play skills are often included. 
  • Sensory integration therapy may be included by the occupational therapist. This therapy helps get your youngster’s sensory systems in synch.
  • Physical therapy addresses the physical awkwardness that sometimes comes with HFA and AS. 
  • Social skills training is a therapy that teaches kids on the spectrum how to relate to others, making and keeping friends, how to recognize social cues and gestures, and other details such as personal space and understanding slang.
  • Speech/language therapy covers speech articulation as well as pragmatics, or fluency. Language therapy covers social communication, and in some cases, social skills. Speech/language therapy will help your youngster learn to communicate verbally or nonverbally, if necessary, with the use of picture exchange and/or sign language. When a child can use words to express his anger and frustration, problematic behaviors are greatly reduced.

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's


23. In worst case scenarios, behavior problems may need to be addressed (in part) through the use of medication. Some medications that may be prescribed include antidepressants, antipsychotics, and stimulants.

24. There are many alternative approaches to treating symptoms associated with HFA and AS. One such approach is Complementary and Alternative Medicine (CAM), which is defined as “a group of diverse medical and health care systems, practices, and products that are not presently considered to be part of conventional medicine.” CAM therapies used to treat HFA and AS have been categorized as biological and nonbiological:
  • Examples of biological therapies include: (a) immunoregulatory interventions (e.g., dietary restriction of food allergens or administration of immunoglobulin or antiviral agents), (b) gastrointestinal treatments (e.g., digestive enzymes, antifungal agents, probiotics, yeast-free diet, gluten/casein-free diet, vancomycin), (c) dietary supplement regimens that are supposed to act by modulating neurotransmission or through immune factors (e.g., vitamin A, vitamin C, vitamin B6 and magnesium, folic acid, folinic acid, vitamin B12, dimethylglycine and trimethylglycine, carnosine, omega-3 fatty acids, inositol, various minerals, etc.), and (d) detoxification therapies (e.g., chelation).
  • Examples of nonbiological interventions include treatments such as auditory integration training, behavioral optometry, craniosacral manipulation, dolphin-assisted therapy, equine-assisted therapy, facilitated communication, and music therapy.

HFA and AS children need limits and structure much more than “typical” kids do. When they can predict what will happen next in their day, they feel confident and safe. Of course, they will test the boundaries. But, it's up to parents to affirm that these standards are important – and to let their youngster know that they believe he or she can meet them.


More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

 ==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

 ==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

 ==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

 ==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book
==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism


COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said… A couple of things to try. We did this with my son, who had an awful time getting up in the morning. It became a battle every day, just to get him out of bed. 1. Video him and show him what his behavior looks like. He won't like it, and prepare yourself for a meltdown over that in itself. 2. Talk about the video once he's calmed down and talk about the 'other' ways he could have handled the situations. For example, better responses instead of backtalk, a reaction that is different that a tantrum. 3. Take those situations and turn them into role-playing - a way to actually practice what should happen, rather than what is happening. 4. Once you've role-played it, video it again and play it back for him. He will see a positive way that he's changed his behavior. The theory behind this is that you are replacing the negative images and reactions that he 'sees' in his head with the positive ones. It may take a few times to replace the action when the time comes, but if he re-views the positive video, it can help him literally see his behavior in a new way.
•    Anonymous said… Give choices focus on positive ignore negative.
•    Anonymous said… I say, I will. Or speak with you as long as you're talking to me like that. (After over explaining why it's not okay.)
•    Anonymous said… My 5 year old  😞 I'm going to try some of these techniques
•    Anonymous said… My 9 year old is the same way. He needs to become a professional negotiator for a big business someday. He is so good at it, no matter how small they requests from me or his dad. Always an argument, refusal, avoidance or negotiation behaviors happening at our house. It drains my energy.
•    Anonymous said… My son is still young and about to turn six so thank God I have not run into this – yet – I'm coming into this with my eyes wide open now based on all of the other parents experience with their teenagers . However I have been reading and reading for at least a year on every possible autism site I can get my hands on. Although I do not know your son and I do not know what you have tried – I would default to diet and get cannabis with THC. Although there are some kids that the parents have trouble finding the right Balance or strain of cannabis with – I have heard many times more successes been failures with diet, supplements and also cannabis with THC
•    Anonymous said… Positive reinforcement, confidence building, talk therapy (not always in the moment if he's angry). Talk and give some one on one time half an hour a day. Do something they like with them for 30 minutes a day, relationship building / trust building. Let them know what they are doing right. Role play / role model / script conversations that are polite. Make your goal for the month Kindness and reward everytime he is kind. Make a goal (item) he wants to work towards and everytime he's kind, genuinely, give him a reward. I used to also give $10 (big money) whenever I got an unsolicited compliment on my son. I would always share with him what the other person said so he took pride and made sure to "shine that part on" and know "this is where I shine". Good luck, give positive feedback and know that you are supposed to ignore a lot of bad behavior (it's weird to do at first). Pick and chose your battles always and it sounds more like an ADHD problem. My child with Autism also has this Dx. You have to encourage, especially if it "hormonal" time because think of our Hormonal stages and then times that by 10. They feel things more intensely. Physical outlets/sports always. Also, "Downtime" 15 minutes break. 15 minutes work on this. 15 minutes break. 15 minutes get this organized. They frrustrate themselves. Mood boosters help.
•    Anonymous said… Video. Try video. It lets him see another perspective and sometimes is an excellent teaching tool.
•    Anonymous said… We had exactly the same problem with my now 15 year old son, tried literally everything we could think of. Its only now that he is on anxiety meds (Resperidone) that he is almost a different child. I'm not condoning drug use for behaviour but for us it was the best decision we could have made. Perhaps look at the symptoms of ODD as well.

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Parents with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism -- Part 2


In part 2 of this series, we will look at poor cognitive shifting in parents on the autism spectrum:

Research in the area of cognition reports that adults with Asperger's (AS) and High-Functioning Autism (HFA) have problems with updating the scope and focus of their attention. This attentional deficit may be due to an inability to reorient attention rapidly, which can be problematic when the mother or father has care and control of younger kids.  Moms and dads need to be able to reorient their attention frequently, and often need to be able to do so under pressure. 



Research also suggests that many people on the autism spectrum have a deficit in the shifting of attention (e.g., paying attention to what someone is saying while being distracted by sensory stimuli). This trait affects parenting as well. These deficits blend with other neurological differences of AS and HFA (e.g., sensory hypersensitivity and hyposensitivity), and together they affect the core tasks of parenting (e.g., the appearance of a sudden strong smell may prevent the parent from noticing what her youngster is doing). 

Related to attention problems are the deficits in the use of visual attention, problems in attending to both auditory and visual information, and problems in attending to many visual stimulus  simultaneously. For example, an autistic parent with three or more kids may struggle with information and sensory input at playgrounds and parks.  In this case, the parent may claim that she is over-stimulated and overwhelmed neurologically, or she may blame others around her for her misery. In this way, the parent is a lot like an autistic child who becomes frequently overwhelmed due to sensory sensitivities. 

In addition to sensory issues, moms and dads on the spectrum often state that they find it difficult to tolerate the normal mess, noise and chaos of their playful, inquisitive children  for any length of time. These parents cope with what are basically neurological insults in a variety of ways (e.g., shutting down, melting down, withdrawing from the unwanted stimuli, etc.). As a result, this may leave the kids to fend for themselves.

The Aspergers Handbook
By

How to Manage Fearfulness in Kids on the Autism Spectrum

Question from a concerned mother of an autistic child: 

"My 9 y.o. son is under a ton of stress right now [I think mostly because of the coronavirus scare]... but there are numerous other things he tends to worry about too. How can we as his parents reduce his excessive and unrealistic fears?!"

CLICK HERE for the answer...


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School-Work Problems in Children on the Autism Spectrum

“My 10-year-old son, TJ, is in the 5th grade and has high functioning autism. Every night we get into arguments over schoolwork that causes him to have huge temper tantrum. Two afternoons a week, he has other activities, and by the time we get home, doing his assignments is the last thing he feels like doing. The other three days, we argue about whether he should do his homework right after school or if he should have some time to relax and play first. When TJ finally sits down to study, he wants me there helping all the time. I do want to help him, but I know at some point he is going to need to be able to do it on his own, and I have other things I need to be doing. Also, most of the time he doesn’t even remember what assignments he’s supposed to be working on. I’m really confused about this issue and what my role is. Got any ideas?”

A major cause of anguish for children with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) – and their parents – is the substandard completion of school work. These young people often have a negative reaction to the mere thought of completing assigned tasks. There are two explanations for this: (1) their degree of anxiety and mental fatigue during the school day, and (2) their cognitive profile.

1. Anxiety and Mental Fatigue—

Parents and teachers need to recognize the degree of anxiety experienced by HFA kids as the signs can become evident in their behavior and mood. The indicators of anxiety may not be noticeable at school, but the youngster may behave very differently at home. He may be quiet and obedient in the classroom, but may become intolerant and hostile immediately after he returns home.

School refusal or walking out of school can be a sign of unbearable anxiety. Other kids on the autism spectrum may express the signs of stress at school through episodes of extreme anger and explosive behavior (e.g., meltdowns). Others may simply “shut down” and become somewhat depressed.
 
==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

Kids with HFA and AS who are having problems learning the “social curriculum” and coping with the anxiety of school usually want a clear division between home and school. Their general view is "school is for work, and home is for fun." Thus, the prospect of interrupting their fun and relaxation at home with school work is unacceptable to them – and is a source of ongoing conflict.



2. Cognitive Profile—

Kids with HFA have an uncommon profile of cognitive skills that must be recognized and accommodated when it comes to school work. One feature of the profile is impaired executive function. The profile is similar to that of kids with ADD, for example:
  • a need for supervision, guidance, and determining what is relevant and redundant
  • an unusual profile on standardized tests of intelligence, especially with regard to verbal and visual intelligence
  • difficulty generating new ideas
  • difficulty planning, organizing and prioritizing
  • poor time perception and time management
  • poor working memory
  • tendency to be impulsive and inflexible when problem solving

Some kids on the spectrum are “verbally-oriented” and have a relative strength in reading, vocabulary and verbal concepts, while others are “visually-oriented” (a picture is worth a thousand words).

Tips for Parents and Teachers—

The following strategies are designed to minimize the impaired executive function, accommodate the profile of cognitive skills, and help HFA kids complete their school work assignments with less anxiety, both at home and school:

1. When it comes to school work, the HFA youngster may have difficulty getting started or knowing what to do first. Procrastination can be an issue, and the child’s mother or father may have to supervise the start of the school work.

2. Once the youngster has started his work, this is not the end of the supervision. The parent will also need to be available if the youngster requires assistance when he is confused and to ensure that he has chosen the appropriate learning strategy.

3. There can be a tendency for kids on the autism spectrum to have a closed mind to alternative strategies. A technique to show that there is more than one line of thought is to provide the youngster with a list of alternative strategies to solve the particular problem. The youngster may need to know there is a plan ‘B’.
 
==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder

4. If the assignment takes several days to complete, it is important that the educator regularly reviews the youngster’s rough drafts and progress, which also increases the likelihood that it will be completed on time.

5. The area where the youngster performs her school work must be conducive to concentration and learning. It’s helpful to have appropriate seating, lighting and removal of any distractions. The distractions can be visual (e.g., the presence of toys or television), which are a constant reminder of what the youngster would rather be doing, or auditory distraction (e.g., the noise from electrical appliances or the chatter of siblings). Ensure that the desk only has equipment relevant to the task. The child’s working environment must also be safe from curious brothers and sisters.

6. Teaching a youngster with HFA requires special skills and the mother or father is not expected to have those skills. As a parent, you are also more emotionally involved than a teacher, and it can be difficult for you to be objective and emotionally detached. One option is to hire a tutor to provide the skilled guidance and supervision.

7. Special consideration should be given to the youngster’s cognitive strengths and weaknesses. If the youngster’s relative strength is in visual reasoning, then flow diagrams, mind maps, and demonstrations will enhance his understanding. If the child’s strength is in verbal skills, then written instructions and discussion using metaphors (especially metaphors associated with his special interest) will be helpful.

8. The use of a computer is helpful, especially for those kids who have problems with handwriting. Sometimes the mother or father can act as a secretary, typing the material for the youngster and proof reading his answers. School work can be a collaborative rather than solitary activity. Note: parents are not being over-protective here, they just know that without their involvement, the work would not be done.

9. Consider allowing the HFA youngster to complete her school work at school. It can be undertaken at lunchtime and before or after classes in their home class or the school library. However, the child will still require supervision and guidance from a teacher or assistant. In high school, some autistic teens have been able to graduate taking fewer subjects and the extra time available in the school day dedicated to school work.

10. One characteristic of kids on the spectrum is the difficulty explaining their reasoning using speech. For example, the youngster may provide the correct solution to a math problem, but not be able to use words to explain how she achieved the answer. Her cognitive strategies may be unconventional and intuitive rather than deductive. The parent or teacher may need to accept the child’s correct solution, even if the logic is somewhat unclear.

11. Kids with HFA and AS often enjoy having access to a computer and may be more able to understand the subject matter if it is presented on a computer screen. Material presented by a real person adds a social and linguistic dimension to the situation, which can increase the youngster’s confusion and anxiety. Educators should consider adapting the school work so that a considerable proportion of the work is conducted using a computer. Word processing facilities – especially graphics, grammar and spell check programs – are invaluable in improving the legibility and quality of the finished product.

12. Kids on the spectrum are notorious for their difficulty coping with frustration, criticism, and their emotions. They can become quite agitated when confused or when making a mistake. The parent or teacher will need to be available to model calmness and to help the youngster remain composed and logical.

13. A small digital recorder used for dictation can provide a record of the educator’s spoken instructions regarding what assignments are to be completed, and the youngster can add her own comments or personal memo to the recording to remind her of key information. 

==> Teaching Social-Skills and Emotion-Management to Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

14. If regular breaks are necessary to promote concentration, the work can be divided into segments to indicate how much work the youngster has to complete before he can take a momentary break. The usual mistake made by parents and teachers is to expect too much prolonged concentration.

15. A timer can be used to remind the youngster how much time is remaining to complete each section of school work. It is also important to ensure that time scheduled for the work does not coincide with the youngster’s favorite television program, for example. If it does, she may be able to record the show and watch it later.

16. A school work diary or planner can help the youngster remember which books to take home and the specific school work for each evening. Also, a diary (perhaps with stickers and other decorations) may make homework less unappealing to the youngster.

17. A daily school work timetable can be made by the mother or father with guidance from the educator to define the expected duration and content of each assignment. This can be extremely helpful if there are problems with the youngster’s allocation of time to each school work component. Sometimes the work can take hours when the teacher intended only several minutes on a specified task.

18. Lastly, if all these techniques are unsuccessful, consider allowing the HFA youngster to be exempted from doing school work. If the strategies outlined above are unsuccessful or unable to be implemented, then forget about school work. Sometimes this advice is a great relief to the youngster, his mother and father – and the educator!

In conclusion, here are some simple bullet points regarding schoolwork-related problems that parents and teachers will need to remember:
  • Be available for help (this doesn’t mean you must be there beside your child every moment).
  • Be consistent about what time of day the work will be done.
  • Be patient when your child makes the same mistakes over and over again. Maybe he needs to be taught using a different approach.
  • Be realistic in your expectations on how much time it will take. Remember, this is all new for a younger child, and she is just beginning to build her logic and knowledge base.
  • Don’t do problems or assignments FOR your child.
  • Have everything the youngster will need ready before he starts.
  • If the youngster has lots of work, ask her what she would like to start with. This small gesture helps the youngster gain some control over an activity she doesn't like.
  • If your child can’t do his homework at school, he might need to unwind and relax when he first comes home, instead of launching straight into work. 
  • If your child finds it difficult to do homework at home, check to see if he can do it at school instead.
  • If your child has more than one piece of homework, it may be useful to ask the teacher to either make sure your child has written down the homework in his diary – or write it in for him. 
  • Keep the homework-routine predictable and simple. 
  • Keep the work time as quiet as you can.
  • Remember that disorganization is a problem for most kids on the spectrum. Thus, the best assistance you can provide would be in the area of teaching organization skills.
  • Set a timer for 15 minutes, and when it dings, tell your youngster to take a quick break to stretch or get a drink of water.
  • Use a reward system (e.g., the completion of all assignments is rewarded with an extra 15 minutes of computer-game time later that evening).

 
By

Parents with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Part 1

Many parents with Asperger's (AS) and High-Functioning Autism (HFA) experience significant difficulties in parenting -- especially if one their children is also on the autism spectrum. Even though the challenges experienced by moms and dads on the spectrum are significant, these challenges are not well understood in the child welfare community. This is in part due to the fact that the AS or HFA parent is able to parent adequately on many fronts, yet he or she is invisibly "disabled" (i.e., the disorder is not readily apparent to the observer). 

Many AS and HFA parents are relatively high functioning in the workplace, but struggle raising their children due to social skills deficits. As any mother or father can tell you, parenting involves a great deal of social expertise, conflict-resolution skills, empathy, listening skills, stress-management, and effective disciplinary techniques -- just to name a few.



Proper parenting is a monumental task that involves (a) providing emotional, relational and financial support, (b) guidance, (c) nurturing, (d) teaching, (e) short and long-term planning. It is a challenge even for parents who have not been diagnosed with a disorder.

Problems in parenting are the result of some of the traits associated with AS and HFA (e.g., weak central coherence, poor cognitive shifting, lack of a theory of mind, etc.) -- not the result of poor parenting skills. While these parents do suffer from significant neurological deficits that can be mistaken as poor parenting, these deficits have more to do with how their brain is wired. They must not be viewed as "bad" parents, rather parents who struggle with a disorder that can affect their parenting abilities.

Most moms and dads with AS and HFA work very hard to understand their kids -- and are eager to parent in their kid’s best interests. But, due to the challenges associated with the disorder, they often fall short. This, in turn, can create a lot of guilt and frustration in the parent who may be viewing herself or himself as a "failure." 

Unfortunately, when these parents begin to experience significant parent-child conflict, they rarely seek outside assistance in the form of parent education. Instead, they may continue parenting in a rather immature and haphazard manner, which often results in their children parenting themselves and/or growing up too  quickly (i.e., they become little adults who appear much older than they are). 

Autistic parents who continue making the same parenting mistakes over and over do so because they lack insight into their disorder and how it impacts their role as a parent. To make matters even more difficult, many moms and dads on the spectrum have a youngster with similar profiles to their own and who are a huge challenge to them. 


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Rett Syndrome and Asperger's in Girls

“What causes Rett syndrome, and is it a fairly common disorder that occurs alongside Asperger syndrome? Also, what are the treatment options?"

Rett syndrome is relatively rare, affecting almost exclusively females, one out of 10,000 to 15,000. After a period of normal development (usually between 6 and 18 months), autism-like symptoms begin to appear. The little girl's mental and social development regresses. For example, she no longer responds to her mom or dad and pulls away from any social contact. If she has been talking, she stops. She can’t control her feet, and she wrings her hands. Some of the problems associated with Rett syndrome can be treated. Physical, occupational, and speech therapy can help with problems of coordination, movement, and speech.

Scientists sponsored by the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development have discovered that a mutation in the sequence of a single gene can cause Rett syndrome. This discovery may help doctors slow or stop the progress of the syndrome. It may also lead to methods of screening for Rett syndrome, thus enabling doctors to start treating these kids much sooner, and improving the quality of life these kids experience.



Symptoms of Rett syndrome include:
  • child may have long fits of laughter
  • child may become tense and irritable as she gets older
  • child may cry or scream for long periods of time
  • no language skills
  • problems with hand movements
  • problems with muscles and coordination
  • slowed growth
  • symptoms usually don’t improve over time
  • trouble with breathing

The best options available to treat Rett syndrome include:
  • Behavioral therapy
  • Good nutrition
  • Occupational therapy
  • Physical therapy 
  • Speech therapy
  • Standard medical care and medication
  • Supportive services

Also, medication can treat some of the problems with movement and help control seizures.

Rett syndrome is a progressive, neurodevelopmental Autism Spectrum Disorder. Asperger's is also an Autism Spectrum Disorder related to development. While Rett syndrome symptoms usually center around the inability to perform motor functions, Asperger's symptoms have more to do with social skills deficits, as well as language and communication impairment. 

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Helping Kids on the Autism Spectrum to “Fit-In” with Their Peer Group

"My 10 year old HF Autistic/Aspie doesn't have many friends, and when he's home he doesn't have any at all. He likes to be by himself playing video games with his online friends, which is very few as well. This has been the most difficult part of raising a child with autism. It is not made easier by teachers that damage fragile self-esteem and school boards and clubs that are exclusivist. I've found it to be heartbreaking. I often have to remind my son to talk about what other kids want to talk about and to play games others want to play. He often forgets this give-and-take aspect of friendships. He recently lost his best friend. The friend couldn't take the screaming, crying, yelling, controlling, bossiness and lack of reciprocity. My son takes things very literally and thinks with his heart. It is difficult for him to focus on more than one friend. He simply speaks on and on obsessively about his video games. I don't know what to do."


Young people with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) usually want to fit-in and have relationships with friends and classmates, but they just don’t know how to do so effectively. They lack an understanding of conventional social rules and often “appear” to lack empathy. In order to improve socialization, these “special needs” kids need to learn and focus on socialization from an “intellectual” standpoint. Things that come naturally for children without autism need concentration by those with it.



The ability to navigate everyday social interactions presents significant challenges for kids on the autism spectrum. Social situations that present difficulties can range from the fairly simple (e.g., engaging in a conversation with a peer) to the extremely complex (e.g., determining whether a peer who seems friendly is actually harmful in some way). 
 

Examples of important social skills to be taught to HFA children include (but are not limited to):
  • maintaining appropriate eye contact
  • decoding body language and facial expressions
  • demonstrating empathy
  • determining appropriate behavior for different social situations
  • determining appropriate topics for conversation
  • determining whether someone is trustworthy
  • identifying one's feelings
  • interacting with authority figures
  • learning how to begin and end conversations
  • maintaining appropriate personal space
  • making appropriate choices
  • recognizing the feelings of others
  • resolving conflicts
  • self-monitoring skills
  • social-perception skills
  • taking turns
  • understanding gestures
  • understanding community norms

Watch this video on teaching social skills: 


Here are some crucial strategies that parents and teachers can employ that will assist the child on the autism spectrum in finding – and maintaining – successful interpersonal relationships with others:

Tips for Parents:

1. Work with a speech pathologist that will evaluate and offer help with language. Even though your HFA youngster may speak perfectly, learning “social language” is often necessary. Learning eye contact from a speech pathologist, for example, is an important skill.

2. Work with a psychologist or counselor to teach and improve social skills. Therapies often teach children on the spectrum to recognize potential problem situations. In addition, these professionals teach and practice strategies with “special needs” children so they can handle most challenging situations.

3. Utilize role-play at home prior to any type of excursion. Role-play allows the child to image all of the various scenarios that could happen. Then, teach strategies for dealing with situations that are difficult.

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management

4. Reduce anxiety for your child whenever possible. Keep the rest of his life structured and organized, and ensure that the environment is a positive and rewarding one. This allows him to focus on social interactions without concern about other difficulties.

5. In school and other social situations, HFA children will perform best with a parent's aid. Find a friend for your child at school that he knows and can work with. Your youngster may eventually learn from the friend regarding “how to interact.”

6. Help your child get involved in sports and extracurricular activities. Through practice, kids and teens on the spectrum can learn to be socially positive.

7. Encourage socialization from a young age by bringing other kids into your home. With supervision, allow play dates to be teaching moments. For example, the parent can say something like, "See how Michael has his hand outstretched? That means he wants to say hello with a handshake. Shake his hand."

8. During the teenage years, dating is often difficult. Encourage adolescents to go out with friends and to date. It may take practice, but they will learn social skills with each outing.

9. Communicate with pictures. To teach HFA children to be social, incorporate picture stories into their daily lives. This is important for difficult subjects (e.g., sharing and communicating feelings). The stories should communicate how to handle the situation.

10. Use games or role-play to focus on the viewpoint of another person. This can include simply looking at pictures of children or adults interacting or working together or sharing some activity, and asking what is happening or what a given individual is doing, and what he may be thinking.

11. Use a video of a situation to illustrate behavior that is inappropriate in, for example, causing irritation to other children. Then discuss why. Also, make a video of the child himself and discuss where there are incidents of good social behaviors.

12. Provide direct advice about when and for how long your child may go on about a favorite topic, perhaps with the use of a signal by which to indicate when to stop (or not to start). If obsessive talking appears to mask some anxiety, seek to identify its source or teach general relaxation techniques. Also, provide positive feedback when your child is not talking incessantly about his given topic of interest.

13. Provide direct instruction of social rules or conventions (e.g., how to greet somebody, how to initiate a conversation, taking turns in a conversation, maintaining appropriate eye contact, when someone is joking, how to recognize how someone else is feeling, etc.).

14. Create a series of cartoon faces with clearly drawn expressions indicating anxiety, anger, sadness, surprise, etc. Then have your HFA child identify the various feelings and guess what caused them.

15. Model social skills for your child to observe, or view and discuss a video-tape of two people talking or playing, including reference to any non-verbal messages which can be discerned.


1. The establishment of a "buddy" system or a system where the HFA student is encouraged to observe how other students behave in particular situations is helpful.

2. Provide specific and structured activities for the “special needs” student that are to be shared with one or two selected classmates. These can range from some jobs to be completed in the school during break or lunch time, games involving turn-taking, or tasks or mini-projects to be completed on the computer.

3. Provide direct teaching of what to do (or what not to do) in certain challenging situations (e.g., when the teacher is irritated either with the HFA student – or with the entire group).

4. Provide a visual timetable plus bulletins of any innovations so there is no uncertainty about the day's routine.

5. Make use of the "Circles of Friends" approach designed to identify (social) difficulties, and to set targets and strategies by which other students in the class can be helpful and supportive, with the long term aim of increasing social integration and reducing anxiety.

6. In the classroom setting, instructions should be very precise with no opportunity to misunderstand what is expected. It may be necessary to follow-up group instructions with individual instructions rather than assuming that the HFA student has understood what is needed or can learn "incidentally" from watching what other students do.

7. In a group setting, adopt the “circle-time” strategy of limiting verbal contributions to whoever is in possession of some object (while ensuring that the object circulates fairly among the whole group).

8. Identify particular skills in the HFA student and invite him to offer some help to another student who is less advanced (e.g., with the use of the computer).

9. Help your HFA student to recognize his symptoms of distress with a "script" by which to try relaxation strategies, or have in place a system where it is acceptable for the student briefly to remove himself from the class as necessary.

10. Have the autistic student’s peers model social skills. A “buddy” can also be encouraged to be the partner of the autistic student in games, showing how to play and offering or seeking help if he is teased.

11. Have a regular time slot for support from an adult in terms of feedback concerning (social) behavior, discussing what is going well and less well, and why – and enabling the “special needs” student to express concerns or versions of events.

12. Encourage participation in school clubs or organized/structured activities during the lunchtime.

13. Allow some practice of talking at a reasonable volume and pace with an agreed signal to be given if it is too loud or fast, or tape-record the student’s speech so that he can evaluate the volume and pace himself.

14. Show the HFA or AS student – and his classmates – a hand signal that the classmates can use when they are tired of listening to him talk about his topic of interest. Also, agree to a later time and place for responding to the autistic student’s repeated questioning about a particular topic of interest.

15. A clarity and explicitness of rules in the classroom to minimize uncertainty and to provide the basis for tangible rewards should be implemented.

Having friends provides support and promotes mental health and well-being. Friendships are also very important for social and emotional development. Through friendships, kids learn how to relate to others. They develop social skills as they teach each other how to be good friends. Young people on the autism spectrum who have friends are more likely to be self-confident and perform better academically. When these “special needs” kids have difficulty making friends or keeping them, it often leads to feeling lonely and unhappy with themselves. Feeling rejected by others often leads to significant distress, too.

Parents and teachers have important roles to play in helping their HFA youngster develop friendship skills. They set examples for how the youngster can manage relationships. They can also act as coaches, teaching the child helpful social skills and talking through friendship issues to help with problem solving.

 
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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 COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said… A puppy or kitty it a frog whatever interests him. Don't try to change him.
•    Anonymous said… Are there social skills groups on your area?
•    Anonymous said… As a parent, this is the hardest part for me. It doesn't seem to bother my 15 year old, who perceives himself as having friends. I worry about what's going to happen when he's out of HS and has less social opportunities.
•    Anonymous said… Following...we're going through the same thing
•    Anonymous said… Get in touch with the national autistic society they have all the details of local support groups.
•    Anonymous said… He sounds just like my son.He is obsessed over his video games.
•    Anonymous said… I can so relate!
•    Anonymous said… I know it's hard to deal with my daughter has the same issues and yes the school is making things very hard and I am ready to get a lawyer and say the he'll with it.
•    Anonymous said… I think we all have to face reality that our asd kids reality will not ever be ours and accept that. aspies have organized groups now online etc and that will grow so that will have friendships of like minded people. For lower functioning kods....i just dont know. It will take the parents to develop a group or vision of what is needed and provide it.
•    Anonymous said… I understand ur frustration.
•    Anonymous said… I'm less worried about with my kids as I was the same. If they socialise or even go to clubs, great, but otherwise they need the head space to recover from the very social aspects of school. A few good friends is better than actives of acquaintances anyway.
•    Anonymous said… It is very difficult my 13 year old son says his xbox and online friends are his social life and when he has to go out of the house we are ruining is social life he will say some days he can be compliant some days he can be cross with us but mostly moans about when we going home etc ... the computer games are like thier way of escape and relaxing like us wanting to have that glass of wine or go 4 that walk whatever people do to relax .a balance is not always possible and every autistic person is different in how much they can cope with outside the computer world my son likes educational historical places so days out at places of interest can gage him for a while but the xbox will always be mentioned
•    Anonymous said… Just let him be himself. He's safe playing his games but maybe be his best friend and take him out just you and him for walks in nature. Maybe get him a pet to care for. Pets help the aspire child connect to feelings and it brings out something golden in these kids.
•    Anonymous said… Limiting the screen time, balancing it with a more neutral family occasion, then arranging a play date (at least try) would work a bit.
•    Anonymous said… My 7 year old wants a friend so bad. He has a sister that is 20 months older that really is his only and best friend. He is so social, but typically dominates conversation with what he is interested in.
•    Anonymous said… My boy is the same, I chose home schooling and I've never looked back, he has improved so much in the last two years and is now allowed to be himself.
•    Anonymous said… My son is 19 today. He's had one friend all his life. One. And he didn't even go to the same school. Somehow, when he hit 17, he started making more friends but I never worried about it. One was all he needed!
•    Anonymous said… So for all of those parents worried about their kids obsession it's video games, it is a serious problem for these teens. They get addicted to the virtual worlds they play in. They are much more sensitive and susceptible and we had to take our son completely off of it and it was very hard at first with his behavior getting aggressive but it is worth it.  😉
•    Anonymous said… So hard to let them do the computer and online games...yet you understand it is a part of them.
•    Anonymous said… That's my boy too!
•    Anonymous said… The behavior is so hard to deal with...i need a support group for parents. Can anyone direct me on how to find one?
•    Anonymous said… We have the same problem but the lifeline for us has been at the Comic book store where they run a Pokemon club, they're all the same and he fits right in! Try it  😊
•    Anonymous said… You Re not alone ! All my son wants to do.

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The Struggles of Adolescence: Help for Young People on the Autism Spectrum

“My 18 y.o. with Asperger syndrome (high functioning) is on my last nerve. He has been on in-school detention all week. Now he’s getting into trouble there too and is about to receive an out-of-school suspension. He simply doesn’t care anymore, and honestly, I think he is trying to get kicked out of school. He comes home and goes straight to his room for the rest of the evening to play online gaming (he will come out occasionally to eat a snack, but won’t eat dinner with the rest of us). He’s rude and hateful to me and his younger brother. I am at my wits end. No idea where I went wrong with this child. He has no friends to speak of, seems depressed and moody all time, and has even said he wished he wasn’t alive. I really have doubts that he will make it in the adult world at this point. He has already said he will not go to college or trade school. And he has never had an interest in working a part-time job so far. Please help!”

First of all, there is much more going on here than simple rebellion or defiance. Your son’s misbehavior is a symptom of some underlying factor(s). For example, many teens spend the entire school day under duress from peer-rejection, teasing and bullying. So, when they return home, some will take their frustration out on a “soft target” (in your case, his younger brother perhaps) as a way to discharge negative emotions. Also, some teens on the autism spectrum would love nothing more than to get kicked out of school due to (a) the mismatch between their educator’s teaching style and their individual learning style (most autistic teens learn visually), or (b) an unfriendly classroom environment that bombards and overloads their senses (most autistic teens have sensory sensitivities, such as sensitivity to excess noise, crowded hallways, smells from the cafeteria, and so on). Thus, the root cause(s) of the “misbehavior” needs to be uncovered before behavioral change can happen.



Adolescence is the most difficult time for teenagers with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) and Asperger’s (AS). Young people on the spectrum typically become more isolated socially during a period when they crave friendships and acceptance more than ever. In the harsh world of middle and high school, they often face rejection, isolation and bullying. Meanwhile, school becomes more demanding in a period when they have to compete for college placements. So, who wouldn’t be acting-out under these circumstances?

Most autistic teenagers struggle with social skills, communication, and a limited diet. The causes of these struggles (e.g., social, communication and behavioral problems, sensory issues, etc.) can create the desire for isolation. They can easily drop into a lonely state of depression and/or anxiety, making the original problems much worse. Thus, helping the teen to boost his self-esteem and level of confidence is paramount.
 

So what can parents do to help their “special needs” adolescent? Below are some crucial tips for helping HFA and AS teens survive - and thrive - during the rough teenage years:

1. With or without an autism spectrum disorder, most teenagers become less willing to take a parent’s word or advice. Therefore, try to hook your teen up with other trustworthy adults. If you want him to learn or try to do something outside of his comfort zone (e.g., something other than playing video games all day), then arrange for the suggestion or information to come from a trusted adult other than you. Look for other good mentors (e.g., an uncle, scout or youth group leader, peer mentor, “Big Brother,” social skills group leader, coach or martial arts teacher, etc.).

2. Teenagers on the autism spectrum need developmentally-appropriate structure, but it requires sensitivity on your part to figure out what is needed when. Watch your teen, not the calendar. Try to get inside his head. Also, be prepared to run out of patience. Create your own back-up plan for when this happens (e.g., YOU take a time-out).

3. View “misbehavior” as a signal of needs. Everything your teen does tells you something about what he needs.

4. There are going to be occasions when negative consequences become necessary (e.g., grounding, taking away privileges, etc.), but they should always be immediate, definite, and relevant. Teens with autism tend not to perceive cause-and-effect and are likely to have short memories, so prolonged consequences not only lose their impact, but also their effectiveness.

5. The “transition plan” (which needs to be part of your teen’s IEP) should address the skills that your teen needs to acquire while in high school, in order to be prepared for the kind of independent life he wants to lead after graduation. Many high schools are unfamiliar with transition planning. The more you know as a mom or dad, the more you will be able to ensure that a solid transition plan is written and carried out.

6. Although most teenagers with HFA/AS are more child-like than their “typical” peers, be prepared to tolerate and/or ignore considerable distancing, hostility, or acting-out – knowing that it won’t last forever. At the same time, set some firm limits, and keep a close eye on your teen’s anxiety level and depression.

7. List the behaviors that you feel are most deserving of attention. This is an important step, because some behaviors may need intervention or therapy in order to be eliminated rather than simple disciplinary tactics. Odd self-soothing behaviors are common in autistic teens with sensory processing issues, and they can be easily replaced with more appropriate ones.

8. Teach laundry and other self-care/home-care skills by small steps over time. Also, try to get your teenager to take an elective at school (e.g., cooking, personal finance, etc.).

9. Special interests may change, but whatever the current one is, it remains an important source of motivation, pleasure, relaxation, and reassurance for your teenager.

10. Some teenagers on the spectrum adjust to high school with appropriate supports and accommodations. However, others just can’t handle a large, impersonal academic setting that exists in high school. You may need to hire an advocate to negotiate with the school system to pay for an alternative school placement, tuition, and transportation.
 

11. Seek out social skills groups designed especially for teenagers with autism. Participating in such a group and being accepted by group leaders and peers is probably the most powerful way to alleviate your teenager’s potential despair at not fitting-in socially and not having any friends. The positive social experiences and new skills he learns will be assets for the rest of his life.

12. Schedule regular monthly educational team meetings to monitor your teenager’s progress, to ensure that the IEP is being faithfully carried out, and to modify it if necessary. Because teenagers on the spectrum can be so volatile or fragile, and because so many important things must be accomplished in 4 short years of high school, these meetings are crucial. If your child is doing very well, the team can agree to skip a month, but be sure to reconvene to plan the transition to the following year.

13. Reading body language and understanding sweeping generalizations can be quite frustrating for autistic teens. Thus, they usually benefit from systematic social training in which they are given the chance to role play, study body cues and language, and practice interpreting new signals that may not have been evident in early childhood.

14. Not all teenagers on the spectrum are ready for a residential college experience right after high school. To decide, use the evidence of how your teen did at sleep-away camp or similar samplings of independence, and look carefully at executive function skills (e.g., organizational skills). As an alternative, community colleges offer a lot of flexibility (e.g., easy admission, low cost, remedial courses if necessary, the option of a light course load, the security of living at home, etc.). Some college disability offices are more successful than others at providing effective, individualized support. However, if your teenager is living at home, you may be able more easily to sense trouble, step in with help, or secure supports he needs to succeed.

15. Make sure thorough neuropsychological re-evaluations are performed every 3 years. This information and documentation may be critical in (a) securing appropriate services, (b) alternative school placements, (c) a good transition plan, (d) choosing an appropriate college or other post-secondary program, and (e) proving eligibility for services and benefits as a grown-up.

16. Look for volunteer activities or part time jobs at the high school or in the community. Be persistent in asking the school to provide help in the areas of career assessment, job readiness skills, and internships or volunteer opportunities. They probably have such services for learning disabled teenagers, but may not realize your high-functioning autistic teen needs that help, too. They may also not know how to adapt existing programs to meet his needs.

17. Look for opportunities for a sheltered, successful overnight stay away from home with no parent (e.g., long weekend visits to relatives, a week or two of a carefully chosen sleep-away camp, taking a course on a college campus, etc.).

18. Instill the essential habit of a daily shower and clean clothes. Peers, teachers, and future potential employers are very put-off by poor hygiene. If possible, put your teenager’s clothes on a well-organized shelf in the bathroom near the clothes hamper.

19. In adolescence, communication becomes complicated as teenagers invent words, signs, and body language to discreetly talk with a friend. For a youngster with HFA/AS who has been struggling just to understand common social cues, this change can be frustrating and incredibly difficult to understand. The best scenario is when language is "concrete and definite." Teenage conversations that use shortened terms or lingo are going to be very difficult for a young person on the spectrum.

20. Impersonal, written communication is easier for the HFA/AS teenager to absorb (e.g., lists of routines and rules, notes, charts, calendars, etc.).
 

21. If your teenager seems like a good candidate for college, take him to visit colleges during the spring vacation weeks of the junior year of high school, or during the summers before junior and senior year. Visits reveal a lot about what environment your teenager will prefer. Also, purchase a large college guide to browse.

22. If you have not yet made a will and set up a special needs trust, do it now. Ask your lawyer about powers of attorney or other documents you may need once your teenager is no longer a minor. Few moms and dads assume guardianship of a young adult 18 or older, but it may be necessary and appropriate in some situations.

23. If you have not talked to your teenager about his disorder, you or someone else should do so (to the extent that he is ready to hear it). It’s tricky for teenagers on the spectrum – they so much want to be “normal” and strong and successful. A diagnosis can seem threatening or even totally unacceptable. In truth, however, adults on the spectrum who do best are those who know themselves well – both their own strengths (which point them toward finding their niche in the world) and their own blind spots (where they need to learn new skills or seek out specific kinds of help).

24. If both parents can agree about their HFA or AS teenager’s diagnosis, treatment, and rules, it will save a lot of family wear and tear. To get your spouse on the same page, attend autism conferences or classes together. When you hear the same information, you can discuss it and decide what will work best for your teenager and in your family. As you learn more about autism spectrum disorders, you may also come to better appreciate each other’s contributions to your youngster’s welfare. Attend team meetings at the school together, or alternate which parent attends. Also, seeing your teen’s therapist together (possibly without the youngster), or seeing a couples or family therapist may help you weather a tough time together.

25. Have realistic, modest goals for what your teenager or the family can accomplish in a given time period. You may need to postpone some plans for career goals, for example.

26. Go with the flow of your youngster’s nature. Simplify schedules and routines, streamline possessions and furnishings. If your teenager only likes plain T shirts without collars or buttons, buy plain T shirts. If he likes familiar foods, or has a favorite restaurant, indulge him.

27. Multiple stressors during adolescence often bring on anxiety and even depression in teens on the spectrum. Stressors may include increased academic/abstract thinking and social demands at school, peer pressure, increased social awareness, and fears of the future. Anxious teenagers who do not get help may be at risk for school failure, acting-out, alcohol and drug abuse, and even suicide attempts.

28. Consider delaying graduation in order to ensure that transition services are actually provided under DOE. It may be hard to convince an academically gifted, college bound student to accept this route. However, it may be very helpful for autistic students who will need a lot of help with independent living skills and employment issues. Services need not be delivered within high school walls. Community college courses, adaptive driving lessons, and employment internships are just a few alternatives to consider.

29. Build and use any support networks you can (e.g., extended family, close friends, church/synagogue groups, an understanding school staff, etc.). If you don’t have a good network, consider individual or family therapy for a little support during a stormy, demanding life passage. When you have a demanding teenager, it’s good to be reminded once a week that your needs and feelings are valid and important, too!

30. Remember that teenagers with HFA/AS are relatively immature - both socially and emotionally - compared to “typical” teens of the same chronological age. Adjust your expectations for your teen, and make sure he has appropriate supports. 
 

31. Teenagers with HFA/AS are less prepared than “typical” teens for the new challenges of sexuality and romance. Many teens on the spectrum want a girl or boy friend, but are clueless about how to form and maintain a relationship. Autistic males may be at risk for accusations of harassment, and autistic females may be at risk for becoming victims. Teach appropriate rules. Look for supervised activities in which boys and girls can socialize safely together, supervised by a staff person who can coach appropriate social skills.

32. For a teenager with HFA/AS, friendships can be a struggle. Your youngster may not understand social cues, and may not know how to be someone's friend. He may feel the typical feelings of a first crush, but be uncertain on how to act on it. Social training can help these young people to understand social cues, slang, and meet other teens who feel similarly about how to deal with new friends. In these social trainings, teenagers can be taught how to listen, and how listening and reacting appropriately can lead to stronger bonds. Also, you should try to explicitly explain what the act of flirting is (e.g., by pointing it out on a TV show or movie).

33. A regular bed time at a reasonable hour is more important than ever. Regular routines of all kinds (e.g., familiar foods, rituals, vacations, etc.) are reassuring when the autistic teenager’s body, biochemistry, and social scene are changing so fast. Keeping your teen’s routines constant will improve his outlook. He will know what to expect at any given time, lessening the stress he feels.

34. Using your teenager’s special interests - both at home and at school - can generate positive responses in many situations. For instance, a 14-year-old's love of trains can be used to encourage eating at home. Train-themed dinnerware - or even themed foods - can be used to entice the reluctant eater.

In conclusion, young people with HFA and AS bring their special flavor to adolescence. Some will not avoid interacting with others. They are eager to communicate (though often in a clumsy, in-your-face way). The level of their insight into their social skills deficits will then become the determining factor of their social success. If they are unaware of their shortcomings in gauging the social atmosphere and reading social cues, they may inadvertently come across as rude, insulting or boring. They may miss subtle criticism and sarcasm. As they develop better insight, they will become more motivated to learn, which had not come naturally and intuitively.

In the social development of HFA and AS teens who show some interest in peer interactions, social anxiety and resultant avoidance play an important role. Some of these young people get very nervous just with the thought of approaching others and may choose to avoid it at all costs. Their avoidance may appear as if they are not interested in others. It is important to differentiate this since anxiety can be treated much more easily than genuine lack of interest.

Regardless of the individual developmental route, most teens on the spectrum start realizing that they are not quite like others at some point during their adolescence. Once the teenager realizes that he has significant difficulties in conducting social relationships compared to his peers, he needs deal with this loss, just like dealing with any other loss. Understanding the thoughts, feelings and behavior of a teen on the spectrum is the necessary first step in helping him out and being there for him. 

==> Discipline for Defiant Aspergers and High-Functioning Autistic Teens
 
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