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When and How to Tell Children They Have Asperger's

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Discovering that your child has Asperger’s is a challenging situation for any parent. You may feel worried or overwhelmed, unsure of how to tell your child about their diagnosis. While it’s natural to feel anxious, it’s essential to have a conversation with your child. Your child has the right to know and understand why they might be different from their peers. As a parent, it's your responsibility to ensure your child receives the support they need. In this post, we’ll explore when and how to tell your child about their Asperger’s diagnosis.

Age and Maturity

While there is no right time, experts suggest that it’s best to have the conversation before your child enters adolescence. Children are aware of their differences early on, and if you delay the conversation for too long, they may develop feelings of confusion and isolation.

Children with Asperger's may already be aware of their difficulties in certain areas, like social interactions, making friends, or coping with sensory processing issues. By talking openly with your child, you can help them understand their particular needs and how to get the right support at school, home, and in other areas of their lives.

Respect Your Child’s Processing Style

A child's processing style should always be respected, especially when it comes to communicating that they have Asperger's. It's essential to approach this topic with sensitivity, compassion, and understanding. It’s important to offer simple explanations that cater to their developmental level and individual needs. You should even consider getting advice from a family nurse practitioner on how to handle this.

 

Take the time to listen and observe their reactions. Explain things as best you can in a reassuring tone, so your child feels comforted and supported while they process this new information. As adults, we play an important role in helping our children adjust to life with Asperger’s, and respecting their processing style is a crucial part of this journey.

How to Explain to Your Child

You need to prepare yourself first. Take some time to learn about Asperger’s, its symptoms, and how it affects your child. You may want to seek support from a therapist, counselor or support group. Gather your thoughts, practice what you’re going to say, and choose a time when you and your child are relaxed. Try to avoid distractions and create an atmosphere that is calm and focused.

 

When having the Asperger’s talk, avoid using complex medical jargon, instead, use simple language that your child can understand. You could start by explaining what Asperger's is: "Some people’s brains work differently, and that’s okay." Then you could share more specific examples of your child’s difficulties and differences, and how they make your child unique. You can also mention that many successful people, like Albert Einstein, have been diagnosed with Asperger's.

 

It’s also essential to emphasize that the diagnosis does not change who your child is or their worth. Explain that the diagnosis is just a label that can help people understand them better, and it opens up more resources and support available to them. End the conversation with an opportunity for your child to ask questions or share their thoughts and feelings. Listen to your child without judgment, and reassure them that you will continue to support them as they navigate their journey with Asperger’s.

Endnote

Telling your child about their Asperger’s diagnosis is a genuine expression of love and acceptance. While the conversation may feel challenging, it’s an essential step towards helping your child feel seen, heard, and supported. Remember to approach the conversation with an open mind, create a safe and relaxed environment, use simple language, and most importantly, listen to your child. By doing so, you can help your child navigate their Asperger’s journey with confidence and self-love.

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How to Use An Effective Reward System for Kids on the Autism Spectrum

 “I have a ten-year-old boy with ASD who is high functioning. We are consistent with making him aware of what is socially unacceptable and why. It seems to go in one ear and out the other though. For instance, at meal time we always tell him to eat with his mouth closed. He will do as we say for 20 seconds and then he’s right back to chewing with his mouth open. We have sent him to eat in the other room, or we take away dessert if he continues after the fourth prompt. We have had no success for the past 2 years! Do you have any ideas or do you think that it’s something he can’t help?”
This can be a “Catch-22” situation because, even though you want your son’s behavior to change in a positive manner, it might become more resistant or rigid if he is confronted or forced to behave in a manner that he finds disagreeable. This can become a long-term power struggle that can lead to your frustration and his feelings of failure.

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

In this case, giving your son rewards might have better results than imposing punishment. One possible solution would be “fun money” for your son. You can make or purchase “fun” (fake) money for your son to use when he behaves in a socially acceptable manner. The money can be spent for privileges, such as time spent with a video game, or other activities he enjoys. 

 If your son behaves in an unacceptable manner, you can impose a financial penalty, and your son has to give a portion of the money back to you. However, if he has to give too much back, he might never earn the reward, so reserve the “fines” for very serious transgressions of the rules.
An effective economic-reward system is based on consistency in enforcing it and keeping the list of rewards/penalties attainable and short. Start this system with just one goal to earn reward and increase the goals as he gets a feel for how it works. Try using one standard-size piece of paper and list the rewards on the left-hand side and the penalties on the right-hand side. 

==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder

Your son will be able to comprehend this list without it overwhelming him. This way, when he is rewarded or punished, he will know that there are limits being set and he has a degree of control over how much he will receive or forfeit. Your son will feel a sense of empowerment with this system, and it will allow him to make choices; he will learn from both.
A structured reward system works well with children on the spectrum because they do extremely well with structure, consistency, and clarity. When there is no structure, the autistic child feels that chaos is controlling his life. A reward system maintains structure for your son, and it eliminates chaos from his life.
Structure, consistency, and clarity will give your son a sense of mastery over his environment. Whether you incorporate the solution proposed above or one that you obtain elsewhere, you will be integrating predictability into your son’s life, and this leads to his being able to rely upon you as being supportive and fair in his upbringing. 

==> Crucial Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism

Children without ASD and within your son’s age range are coping with the beginning of adolescence. Children like your son are coping with the same thing, except they find that they have to deal with the ASD diagnosis in addition to everything else.
You need to make sure that the consistency that we stress here is maintained for your son’s benefit. Do not let your feelings and emotions take precedence because of the stress that accompanies any child-discipline procedure. Stay calm and let him choose to earn reward or pay fines. 

Also, be willing and available to discuss discipline with your son; it’s important regardless of any diagnosis that your son has. Above all, be truthful and sincere; your son will know that you love him and care about his well being.

PARENTS' COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said... adjust expectations.
•    Anonymous said... Definitely the "make it a concrete rule" idea - usually very effective. As my son reached adolescence I have been able to say, "Other people will notice this behavior and that might make you feel uncomfortable. How should I tell you to stop without upsetting you?" - He's become much more self-conscious as a teen and that usually works.
•    Anonymous said... I always say it has to be engraved on his commandments before it is His gospel or rules, convincing is the hard part because the rigidity of thought. Being the enforcer helps and a small amount of medicine gives us just enough of an opening to get through. We have a level chart also with Xs and stars that is very effective.
•    Anonymous said... I could have written this post. ..LOL... much luck to us all!
•    Anonymous said... I dont think he is trying to agitate you it may be simply his way of stimming. The fact that most Aspie children are very literal and with a mouthful of food & mouth closed perhaps he think he will not be able to breath unless his mouth is open, my son has trouble breathing through nose. I wouldn't worry to much about eating with his mouth open.I would just focus on a pleasant family time of sharing your days events & actually eating the food you prepare. Most of us Aspie Parents seem to be hard on ourselves to correct our children to be the way others want them to be, can other people just learn that everyone is Human and just learn to embrace our differences, that makes us individuals.
•    Anonymous said... I like the "make her the enforcer" idea. She's militant about no elbows on the table so maybe she'll be that way about not talking with her mouth full.
•    Anonymous said... I use a good/bad behaviour chart, things like manners get a smiley, rude or anger get a sad face. At the end of the week if he has more smileys than sad hr gets a treat, within reason of his choice. I make him complete the chart to re enforce his understanding and he adds them up also.
•    Anonymous said... Its nice to know this is happening in other houses also. Meals used to be so stressful in our home and we used so many different approaches with little results. What's helped the most is focusing less on the behaviors and being more calm ourselves, and adjusting our expectations.
•    Anonymous said... make it visual
•    Anonymous said... My twelve year old eats a lot with his hands, doesn't notice or care when he has food on his face, sits in funny positions ... Etc. etc. I might try to make him an enforcer. He is very motivated by earning points...thanks for the idea
•    Anonymous said... Ours is talking with her mouth full.
•    Anonymous said... Please don't make him eat in a different room. That only pronounces the alienation they feel on a daily basis. I have to tell my 12 yr old everything every single day, several times. Some things eventually stick, others do not. It gets annoying for us yes, but it is a part of them and the way their brains work. I also have a spitter when he doesn't like the texture or taste of something. I made him clean it up until he finally broke the nasty habit because that made him grossed out too. When we have people over he usually hides out until the coast is clear, and we go out I am very careful that his glass of water sits by itself so he doesn't accidently pick up and take a gulp of someone's soda and only order food that I know he likes. My life has gotten much more predictable and I am still able to have him in social situations by taking a few precautions.
•    Anonymous said... Sounds exactly like our son. And believe me, it ALL goes in one ear out the other, not just at meal time. Any one has some good ideas we'd love to see them too.
•    Anonymous said... They don't do it on purpose. Adjust expectations. Use gentle reminders now and then but don't get mad at them when they don't stop. I struggle with these sort of things everyday with my almost 10 yr old boy!
•    Anonymous said... This is same in our house too and meal times are stressful my son ( ADHD+autism)eats very loudly and open mouth you can't sit next to him also he giggle as a lot and using time for googling and messing with sister I am getting late to everywhere oh never mind what will I cook too very fussy eater only eat same food made my own visual reward chart it is hard I can't ignore itx
•    Anonymous said... Ugh sounds like my 8 year old. And also the yelling in people's faces when we are out. Sometimes I would like to put a "I have Aspergers" Tshirt on him so people have more patience with him.
•    Anonymous said... We have made index cards with pictures on them what is right at the dinner table and what is not. We have him review the cards before the meal. I have lamented them and punched holes and put a ring through them. I actually have many social story card rings we keep at the house, just like he has at school. If you google social stories.
•    Anonymous said... Write them down and put them up on the wall. If the rules are concrete and visible, then they are REAL.
•    Anonymous said... Yes, any ideas would be helpful! My son chews with his mouth open, and spits out things if he doesn't like the taste/texture etc. But, he just spits it out-not on his plate-or a napkin it just comes flying out. Its really gross! Not to fun when guests are over or if we are chancing to eat out:)

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RE: "How can we get him to change his eating habits?"

"My grandson has ASD. He is age 7. His diet consists of cheese, eggs, bread, milk, juice, wieners, fish, hamburgers, chicken, mashed or French fried potatoes and, on occasion, chocolate and bananas. He will eat no pasta, vegetables, or any other fruit. Does this eating problem go along with Autism? How can we get him to change his eating habits?" 

Your grandson’s disorder may cause unusual reactions to new foods and he may not want to eat them. To him, they may taste bitter, salty, or just plain awful. They may smell bad (to him). He may dislike the textures of new foods. Consequently, he doesn’t want to eat foods that cause these reactions.

Compared to some other kids on the spectrum, your grandson’s diet is not that terrible. He gets protein from eggs, milk, cheese, wieners, fish, hamburger, and chicken  ...grains, which provide B vitamins, from bread and hamburger and hot dog buns  ...some vitamins and minerals, including vitamin C, from juice, potatoes, chocolate, and bananas  ...and calcium and vitamin D from milk and cheese.
 
==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Parents' Comprehensive Handbook

All in all, his diet could be worse and is not much different from what many neurotypical children eat. However, his diet would be more nutritious if he ate more fruits, vegetables, and grains. Perhaps he would try some whole grain cereals. 
 
Many autistic children like Life cereal or Cheerios. See if he likes popcorn, which is a whole grain (don’t load it up with a lot of butter, though). Try whole grain breads, hamburger and hot dog buns. 
 
He might like whole grain rice. Try it mixed in a cheese and chicken casserole. Most kids like macaroni and cheese. See if he does. Try tacos made with whole grain tortillas, hamburger, and cheese. You might be able to sneak in some chopped tomato and onion. Use low fat hamburger and 1% milk.

See if he will drink different types of fruit juices. There are new ones on the market that are delicious and have a serving of fruit and one of vegetables in each glass. Many fruits may taste sour to him. If he likes cereal, slice half of a banana on it. 
 
 
Canned peaches and pears are sweet and may appeal to him. Cut up fruits into bite sized pieces so they are easy to eat. Don’t chastise him if he doesn’t eat them; maybe in the future he will. Make small apple or blueberry muffins. He might like them, too. Yogurt with fruit is an option you could try.

As far as vegetables are concerned, it may be an uphill road! But, sometimes vegetables can be hidden in other foods, for example, in those juices mentioned above. How about putting some onion in his hamburger? Potatoes are vegetables and he likes them! Try oven frying the French fries instead of frying in oil. Blend some cooked cauliflower into his mashed potatoes. 
 
He may not notice the difference. He may like sweet potatoes. He might like creamed corn or cornbread. Does he eat any soup, such as pea soup or vegetable? You could try tomato soup made with milk -- he might like it. If you put finely chopped, frozen carrots and peas in a chicken/cheese casserole, he might eat them. Avocado has a bland taste, and you could mix it into his hamburger patties.

It’s very important not to make “a big deal” about what he doesn’t eat. If you do, eating will become a power struggle. Offer various new foods along with ones he likes. If he doesn’t like them, don’t make an issue of it. Some battles aren’t worth constant fighting, especially when his diet isn’t too bad to begin with. Keep serving some new foods along with the old ones. Avoid serving soda pop and sweets so he doesn’t fixate on them.

Lastly, make sure he has a multivitamin each day. Get one that is chewable, tastes good, and has a cute shape. Also, drinking Ensure or Pediasure is a good way to supplement his diet with vitamins and minerals.
 
Best of luck!
 
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