The Damage Done: Over-Indulging the Aspergers Child

Question

Our son is a 34-year-old with Asperger's who is living in supported housing. He went into his first apartment 2 years ago. It was very difficult as he was so angry and upset and even took revenge on us by smashing a television. He has had a lot to deal with. He has Crohn's Disease although it is in remission, with two operations at 17 and 19. He is defiant at times, super communicative, although of course it’s very much like verbal diarrhea. We haven't been too effective with parenting him, I think because of feeling sorry for him. This is coming back to bite us.

He sees a psychiatrist through the community mental health services (about once a month) and also a caseworker more frequently. About a month ago, he hit his psychiatrist (glancing blow on the shoulder), however the doctor has now charged him with assault. We are at our wits end. His MD says because it's a first offense, he will not go to jail but probably get a warning, maybe probation. His psychiatrist, a young fellow, told us a couple of years ago that he really doesn't know much about Asperger's as our son is his only AS client.

We know we have to change our communication with him, but my husband is feeling very sorry for him and not drawing a line in the sand very much. Our son is rude often, and often escalates into anger. Other times he is loving and almost normal. Can you offer any immediate suggestion?

Answer

Parents with an Aspergers (high-functioning autism) child often have trouble knowing how much to help out their “suffering” child at certain times in his life. But, is it really bad to “cushion” him or to “feel sorry” for him? Unfortunately, the answer is a profound YES!

Let me be very clear about this: If the Aspergers child hasn’t had to work for most of his materials things and privileges over the years …and if parents have “stepped-in” time and time again to over-protect and over-assist the child …it WILL cause serious problems for that child later in life. Parents are not doing their Aspergers child any favors by over-indulging and over-assisting, in fact, quite the opposite – THEY ARE HURTING THEIR CHILD!

We’re talking about over-indulgent parenting here. Over-indulged children have too much stuff, too much assistance, and soft structure (i.e., lax rules, few chores, aimless). As a result, this child grows up with very little “self-reliance” (a critical skill to have to “make it” in the real world as an adult).

Over-indulgent parents often view themselves as loving their child unconditionally by permitting most requests and offering their child free reign with few restrictions. They also believe that being good parents entails supplying the child with most of his wishes – and assisting at the first sign that the child is struggling.

Being “taken care of” all of your life has grave consequences. Children who are over-indulged have great goals, but because they are so accustomed to being catered to, they do not have the skills or drive for achieving their ambitions. Impulsivity, refusing to take responsibility, abusing drugs, continuing to live at home as an adult-child, spoiled behavior, and so on, all stem from needing control – but having no ability to appropriately exercise it.

The “easier life” makes for children who feel “privileged” and who actually miss out on some important social skills (e.g., how to make friends, work with others, achieve self-sufficiency, etc.). Doing well in college, finding and keeping a job, and raising a family takes individual hard work, but if the child is used to not having to work for his money or interact with people in order to do well, his lack of determination will be the catalyst for his downfall.

Over-indulged children don’t know the difference between “needs and wants.” Ultimately, knowing what you “want” versus what you actually “need” is something that comes with maturity, but when a child is so privileged that he gets most of what he wants, it’s hard to know the difference. In general, children that are used to being the center of attention and not having to work for their share at life are disadvantaged as adults.

Parents are supposed to set a good example and give their child a strong background in the “real world” so that he can succeed on his own someday. If children don’t learn early on that making a living doesn’t come easy, their lives won’t be as fulfilled because they’ll have a strong sense “entitlement” (e.g., “You owe me …I shouldn’t have to work for anything”).

Directives for Over-Indulgent Parents—

1. Allow your child to experience the negative consequences and painful emotions of poor choices.
2. Differentiate between your child’s wants and his needs.
3. Discipline rather than nag.
4. Discipline without later reducing or negating the discipline.
5. If you have tried to correct your parent’s mistakes by attempting to be a “better” parent, know that (a) you turned out all right, and (b) you may be erring on the other end of the extreme.
6. Keep an eye out for your child’s guilt-trips.
7. Know that your child does not always have to be happy in order to have high self-esteem.
8. Know when to be your child’s parent and when to be his buddy.
9. Learn to say, and stick with, “no”.
10. Make sure you and your child’s other parent are united and bonded on most issues.
11. Pay attention to your feelings of guilt about how you have parented, and know it is a sign that you are – once again – beating up on yourself.
12. Think in terms of “everyone has a responsibility to the solution” rather than attributing blame.
13. When you catch yourself feeling sorry for your child, know it is a sign that you are – once again – taking on too much responsibility.
14. When your child needs to be comforted/cheered-up, do so with active listening, empathy, paraphrasing, validation, hugs, etc. rather than giving him things (e.g., unearned privileges, food, gifts, fun activities).
15. Your child is a priority, but allow your marriage to come first (it’s the foundation for the entire family).

In Summary—

Overindulgent parenting (i.e., parenting from parents who fail to enforce age-appropriate limits) is associated with children who:

• are ill-tempered
• are manipulative
• are overly dependent on parents
• are self-centered
• are verbally/physically aggressive
• have less concern for others
• lack assertive skills
• lack motivation

The methods of indulgence are:

• over-nurturing
• soft structure
• too much freedom
• too much stuff

The reasons parents over-indulge their children:

• correct their own parent’s mistakes/repair their own childhood issues
• don’t have much money (so give too much freedom)
• feel guilty
• feel sorry for the kid
• parent fears confrontation/lacks assertiveness
• response to a major life event
• the parent was overindulged as a child

…as a result, they parent their child based on what THEY want for him rather than on what he actually needs …or they parent their child the way THEY wanted to be parented by their parents.

The results of overindulgence:

• child believes the rules do not apply to him
• child depends on the parent to give him what he wants, but at the same time, resents being dependent …and this resentment comes out as anger and ungratefulness and a strong desire for more and more and more
• child does not get along well with authority figures
• child feels entitled to privileges but not responsible for his actions
• child has adjusted so completely to (a) being catered and/or (b) not having to be responsible for anything that he cannot function on his own
• the child is in charge rather than the parent (tail is wagging the dog)

Parents who overindulge have trouble:

• believing the fact that they are overindulging their child
• defining the difference between nurturing behavior and overindulgence
• enforcing discipline and setting limits
• knowing when to be the child’s “buddy” and when to be his parent
• saying -- and sticking with -- “no”

Launching Adult Children With Aspergers: How To Promote Self-Reliance

Does Your Child Really Have Aspergers?

Question

How can I know for sure whether or not my 8-year-old son truly has Aspergers? I'm not totally convinced at this point. There is some speculation based of observations of some of his behaviors - but I still have my doubts.

Answer

A comprehensive psychiatric evaluation from a Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist who specializes in Aspergers (high functioning autism) will be able to give you a definitive answer to that question.

Aspergers has a specific set of symptoms. However, each individual with Aspergers is unique; not everyone experiences the same combination of symptoms. Below is a basic list to help you identify whether or not your son has Aspergers-related symptoms:

Cognitive and Motor Skill Impairments—

Cognitive and motor skill problems are common in Aspergers. Typical cognitive and motor skill issues include:

• Difficulty with imaginative play: The Aspie does not engage in imaginative play as a child.
• Learns best visually: She has trouble learning without visual aids.
• Mindblindness: She has mindblindness, meaning she cannot determine what others are thinking and feeling in social situations or in relationships.
• Organizational skills difficulties: The Aspie experiences difficulty with planning, implementing and completing tasks.
• Problems with coordination: She may have problems with both fine and gross motor skills. Common examples of motor skill difficulty include bike riding, handwriting and playing ball games.
• Problem-solving issues: She has trouble figuring out how to solve problems outside of her routine.

Communication Problems—

An Aspie experiences a number of communication difficulties. Communication problems can include the following symptoms:

• Easily distracted: The Aspie has trouble concentrating her attention on people and objects that are not connected with her favorite subjects.
• Eye contact: He may not make eye contact.
• Facial expression: Facial expressions are either absent or inappropriate to the conversation or situation. She may have facial tics.
• Monotone speech: He may speak in a monotone voice, without expression or emotion.
• Personal space issues: He might stand too close to a person during conversation.
• Unusual gestures: The Aspie might make unusual or inappropriate gestures during conversation.

Language Skill Challenges—

An Aspie generally has a large vocabulary, but experiences problems with language processing. Language skills challenges may include:

• Difficulty processing language: The Aspie does not always understand the verbal speech of others or misunderstands the meaning of a conversation. He may have trouble making a decision or answering a question.
• Language rituals: He might have certain word scripts that he repeats ritualistically in conversation with others.
• Literal interpretation of words: The Aspie interprets most language on a literal level and misses abstract meanings.
• Trouble with language use: He has trouble using language appropriately in social situations. He may also misunderstand common word meanings.
• Unusual use of words: He may use words in an unusual way or create her own words.

Limited Interests and Unusual Behavior—

An Aspie often has a limited range of interest and may exhibit bizarre behavior. Interests and behavior may include:

• Narrow range of interests and obsessions: The Aspie is intensely interested in a small number of activities and subjects and refuses to engage in other activities.
• Self-stimulatory behavior: He may engage in stimming behavior such as hand flapping, rocking back and forth or twirling.
• Strict schedule: He prefers a rigid schedule and experiences anxiety when the schedule is interrupted.

Sensory Input Issues—

Many Aspies have sensory difficulties and may have unusual reactions to certain sights, smells, sounds or tastes. Sensory problems include:

• Limited food choices: The Aspie may choose and reject foods based upon smell or texture.
• Odors: She may react strongly to certain smells.
• Sounds: She might be hypersensitive to different sounds.
• Touch: The Aspie may not want to be touched.

Social Interaction Difficulties—

An Aspie may have difficulty with the following features of social interaction:

• Difficulty playing with others: The Aspie may not understand how to initiate play with his peers or how to play by common social rules. For example, he may take a ball from a group of children playing a game without asking to join the game first. He will not return the ball if they ask for the ball back because he does not understand the negative reaction.
• General social skills: He wants to socialize with others,, but does not understand how to interact.
• Inability to understand common social cues: The Aspie may not comprehend common social cues such as facial expressions, body language or gestures.
• Inappropriate responses: He may behave or respond to social situations in an unusual or inappropriate manner. For example, he/she may laugh at something sad.
• Problems with two-way conversation: He has trouble with initiating and maintaining a two-way conversation. He may appear to “talk at” someone rather than “with” them. Conversation topics may focus on an obsessive interest. He speaks inappropriately such as talking too loudly or softly.
• Relating to others: The Aspie does not understand other's emotions or social responses accurately in a group situation. He may not understand if an activity or conversation is boring or upsetting to another person.
• Rigid range of interests for social interaction: He will only engage in a narrow range of activities or talk about certain subjects.

The Aspergers list above can help you recognize common symptoms of Aspergers. If you believe that your youngster or teenager has this disorder, contact your pediatrician for an Aspergers screening. Early intervention provides the best chance for your son or daughter to live a healthy and fulfilling life.

The Aspergers Comprehensive Handbook

Aspergers Children and Poor School Attendance

Question

My child with Aspergers often convinces me that he is too sick to attend school. I end up calling-in for him at least a couple times a month. How can I tell if he’s really sick – or if he just doesn’t want to go to school that day?

Answer

Is your Aspergers (high functioning autistic) child really too sick to attend school - or is he faking it?

Many moms and dads have a hard time deciding if their children are well enough to go to school. After all, what well-intentioned mother or father hasn't sent a youngster off with tissues in hand only to get that mid-morning "come get your son" phone call? But making the right decision isn't as tough as you might think. It basically boils down to one question: Can your youngster still participate in school activities? After all, having a sore throat, cough, or mild congestion does not necessarily mean a student can't be active and participate in school activities.

Determining whether or not a youngster has a fever offers a fairly reliable way of judging whether or not he is truly too sick to go to school. Additionally, it is one of the few symptoms that can actually be quantified. States often have requirements regarding the exact temperature at which kids need to be sent home, especially in early childhood and child-care settings.

The time of day during which a youngster is experiencing a fever can also make a difference. Fevers usually run a bit higher in the evening than they do in the morning. So a high temperature in the evening may abate overnight. However, a high temperature in the morning will likely only get worse as the day progresses, so moms and dads should consider keeping children home in this case.

The child should probably stay home if it is the first day of the illness and the temperature is over 101. If it is the third day or later, and the youngster has been acting well during the day, but has a 101 temperature in the evening, he probably should go to school.

A fever isn't the only symptom to track when it comes to judging a kid's ability to attend school. Vomiting, diarrhea, rashes and a host of other indicators can also mean the difference between a desk at school or the couch at home.

Vomiting and diarrhea can also be a tremendous source of discomfort for kids if severe or uncontrolled. In these cases, a day at home may be the best option. If the youngster is vomiting, it is inconvenient for the teacher and the other classmates. If mild and controllable, however, a bit of diarrhea may not be a big problem. In elementary age kids, diarrhea isn't as much of an issue if it doesn't interfere with their ability to remain in the classroom and if they aren't sick enough to potentially have accidents, have to run to the bathroom, or be in pain.

Rashes, particularly those that cannot be readily explained, may also be cause to keep your kid at home -- and perhaps even require a doctor's opinion.

And kids with severe cases of conjunctivitis -- commonly known as pink eye -- should also be kept home from school. However, some doctors note that mild cases of this affliction may not warrant a day off.

Many moms and dads may also wonder when it is safe for their youngster to go back to school after recovering from their illness. The answer to that one is a little bit trickier. In general, nobody would recommend that a youngster goes back to school unless he has been fever-free for 24 hours, and some would even say 48 hours. A full day of fever-free downtime is probably sufficient to safeguard the youngster's health, as well as that of his peers. It is fairly standard that kids are required to be fever-free for 24 hours before returning, which is a useful method of limiting the spread of infection during the febrile period when kids are thought to be most contagious. When the fever is gone for 24 hours, the contagiousness is greatly diminished.

The 24-hour rule may prove to be more than sufficient for vomiting. Vomiting is a temporary nuisance most of the time. So if the youngster feels OK and has not vomited since midnight, consider allowing him to go the next morning.

In most cases, however, the decision of whether or not to send a sick kid to school will not be clear-cut. In these cases, moms and dads must ask themselves certain questions to help them decide. Will the illness prevent the youngster's participation in normal school activities? Also, will the youngster's illness place an unusual burden on the staff? A third and very important question to consider is whether or not the illness that the youngster has poses a risk to other kids and adults.

Moms and dads must also keep in mind that those complaints of abdominal pain could be from a food-borne illness -- or they could just be due to anxiety over the prospect of going to school. But in these situations, it may be better to err on the side of caution.

Moms and dads have to be willing to trust their instincts. Even when their youngster is not having any objective signs of illness, if they think that the youngster is different from how she normally is, they need to trust their instincts and keep her at home until they figure out what's wrong.

Moms and dads should also be aware of symptoms that suggest the youngster should be brought to a doctor. If the youngster cannot touch her chin to her chest, it could be a sign of meningitis, a serious infection that warrants immediate medical attention.

Deciding whether or not to send your kid to school can sometimes be a tough call. After all, it's not always easy to distinguish simple theatrics from true illness. Worse yet, a diagnosis and decision must often be made in the few spare moments after breakfast (and before an angry call from your boss). Fortunately, there are a few rules of thumb that you can follow when determining whether a youngster is up to the task of a full day at school. And doctors say a mild case of sore throat or the sniffles is not necessarily a mandate to keep children at home.

Trust your instincts. If your child has the sniffles but hasn't slowed down at home, chances are he's well enough for the classroom. On the other hand, he may need to take it easy at home if he's been coughing all night and needs to be woken up in the morning.

My Aspergers Child: Preventing Meltdowns at Home and School

Helping Aspergers and HFA Children Who Get Frustrated

When my 15y/o son with autism (high functioning) meets with disappointment, and when things don't go just as he wants them to, he has his meltdown …then it is so difficult to get him redirected back to doing what he should be doing. Are there any tips you can give me about how to try to get him back on track, to help him accept that something didn't work out or that he can't do or have something he really wanted?

Click here for the answer...