Older Teens and Young Adult Children Still Living At Home

Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent?

Parents of teens with Aspergers face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

Parents face issues such as college preparation, vocational training, teaching independent living, and providing lifetime financial support for their child, if necessary. Meanwhile, their immature Aspergers teenager is often indifferent – and even hostile – to these concerns.

As you were raising your child, you imagined how he would be when he grew up. Maybe you envisioned him going to college, learning a skilled traded, getting a good job, or beginning his own family. But now that (once clear) vision may be dashed. You may be grieving the loss of the child you wish you had.

If you have an older teenager with Aspergers who has no clue where he is going in life, or if you have an “adult-child” with Aspergers still living at home (in his early 20s or beyond), here are the steps you will need to take in order to foster the development of self-reliance in this child.

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Best Comment:

My 18yr has totally lost the run of himself. He no longer lives at home and has had social difficulties from day 1. He an extravert, he is hyperactive impulsive and has always found it difficult to understand facial expression and body language.

I have always felt we have had a good relationship, his problems were always with everyone else in authority his dad and later his step dad were totally unable to handle him they either fought with him or didn't deal with misbehaviour. The majority of his teachers the same, I often just wanted to take him away to the country where people couldn't fight with him. I was a regular mediator and couldn't understand why people had to be such authoritarian bullies and why they couldn't deal with him kindly and be clear and consistant with what was expected and accepted.

I believed with kindness and love and very clear and consistant boundries and constant praise for good behaviour and kindness he showed, that he would learn that not everyone knew or wanted to be kind & decent but that for himself he would treat everyone with respect and that he could be proud to know that he has carried himself with respect decency and dignity regardless of how anyone else choose to behave around or towards him.

He has obviously on occasion over the years shown disrespect etc toward me but would quickly pull in his horns when I spoke to him. Since he moved out of the house I am the only one who keeps regular contact with him even though I have spoken to both his dad and stepdad about just checking in with a text to let him know they care even if he doesn't respond. Also incouraging his (birthday tomorrow)16yr old sister but he can verbally be quite nasty to her so she doesn't bother. He is living his own life and shutting us out and I know that's normal but I believe it's up to the adults to keep comunicating with him.

In the past 6mts he has been more and more arragont, willfull and defiant with every one including me showing me disrespect regularly.and recently he went to an all new level going from someone who would not attempt to curse infront of me to ball face verbally attaching me with every possible obscenity he has told me he is done with me etc etc I never found him hard to handle he just constantly took handling of course I regularly worried and questioned things and then I would read more about parenting methods or other behavioural concerns till I was satified I was handling things.

He is dyslexic and for years everytime I brought this to the attention of his teachers they told me he was just unwilling, wouldn't try, he won't settle down etc that he was too intelligent to be that he just needed a firmer hand. Eventually when he was around 10yrs I had saved enough money to have him accessed and even with his diagnosis teachers still bullied and harassed him but in primary school with just one teacher to deal with I was able to form a relationship and in turn usually a method of working well together with huge improvements all round and a much happier child. Each year a new teacher and it would start all over.

When he got to secondary school it was awful he now had 6-8 teachers per day, and was given out to on an hourly basis usually it started with them being dissatified or frustrated by his academic profermance and then behavioural problems.

I had met with everyone of the teachers prior to H_____ starting bringing with me his psychological reports to and asking each on to please include me when they experience any difficulties so that we could keep control and not allow small problems to esculate. I always approached the teachers with respect and from the point of H_____ is having difficulties which in turn is creating problems for his teacher so lets work together to resolve this. (even thought I often did not believe they deserved any respect) I never expressed to H_____ my opinion that the majority of his teachers incompetence but always praise any good traits they had and expressed how they were trying to do what was best and that he had responsibility as well in getting along.

He is very angry with me and is not coping with difficulties if he gets a flat tyre he looses the plot ranting and raving when everything is going smoothly he is very pleasant but the minute he has any problem no matter how trivial he bitches at whoever is nearest. He is often verbally very nasty and recently towards younger teens and his sister. And I feel like I have obviously seriously mess up and I don't know how. I am not stupid enough to think I was doing every thing right nor have I ever taught I was doing an amazing job but I sure did read and watch every parenting programme possible to deal with him and my other kids in the best way possible to give them every chance to become the best person they can be.

Even though he appears perfectly normal I have known there is something not quite right. People would expect certian behaviours of him and judge him yet they would comment on how odd or strange and hyper he is. My 16yr old also struggles socially she direct opposite an intravert, she finds it hard to talk at all but chats away at home, she struggles to look at people and is seen as intellegent but lazy and wilfully withdrawn in school, but I found a much better school now for her she move there last year and they brought up her adverage by 2 grades per subject in general her teachers now are kind and encouraging with the exception of 1or 2 so major improvements she too has dyslexia which suggestion of was laughed at by her teachers for years (money has always been an issue) she too is discribed as odd.

We also have a 2 and a half yr old who so far so good appears normal but I do see similar traits as the older two. Same as with the other two she is also way ahead of her peers at all her developmental tests, they all adveraged 8mths to a year ahead in all areas in early developmental tests. All three would sit quietly in the waiting areas while all the other childern were demanding noisy jumping around etc where mine would ask nicely to get a toy or book etc. but if they were in the company of another adult (dad auntie) they would be very unruley. Obviously even though I could get on well with them it is obvious they do not interact well in society and I feel I have seriouly failed H_____ and am well on the way to failing the other two. I don't know what to do. I feel completely alone my husband is a very kind and caring man but he has no idea how self distructive H_____ has become. When I showed my husband a conversation on Face Book between H_____ his Cousin who he shares a house with and another young woman which had nasty sexual remarks his response was shock first and then he just said he's being a complete twat. And hasn't mentioned it since. I have shown my husband your web site and I have told him I am writing to you but he like me just has no idea what we can do.

H_____'s dad is a good man but he is an alcoholic we seperated when H_____ was 6 Paul and I got together when H_____ was 12. Paul has been ill for the past couple of years and struggling with the medical system to get answers and is presently and being treated for hormonal deficiencies with some improvements.

Aspergers Teens and Behavior Problems at School

Question

Can you help me with behavior management for teenagers with Aspergers Syndrome in mainstream school (e.g., interrupting, joking, attention seeking)?

Answer

Social boundaries are not always understood by teenagers with Aspergers (high-functioning autism). Teens as a whole may have difficulty with these concepts; however, the teen with Aspergers may have a tougher time understanding how his behavior is disruptive or unacceptable. Teenagers with Aspergers struggle to understand how to control their feelings. Anger, stress, anxiety, and frustration can build quickly. This can cause inappropriate behaviors as the teenager strains to maintain control. Other times the teenager may act improperly without realizing what has happened.

Here are some commonly used treatment options:

• Individual counseling— Much like Cognitive-behavioral therapy, a trained professional counselor will attempt to develop a relationship with the teen with Aspergers. Teens can benefit from the one-on-one of basic counseling sessions that deal directly with the ‘whys’ and ‘hows’ of emotions and actions. This type of therapy may last for years.

• Cognitive-behavioral therapy— Cognitive-behavioral therapy is a time controlled intense therapy that is based on the belief that a teen’s individual thoughts are the cause of his behavior. In other words, the people around you and the situations that occur are not the cause, but an effect. Since this is the reality, a person should then be able to change the outcome of actions and feelings by changing the way they think about them, and not by changing the situations.

Without strong support at home, Aspergers teens may not make much progress with dealing with emotions and poor behavior. Any therapy will include homework. Some families, either by choice or desire, may choose to handle the adolescent years without the assistance of private therapy. In many instances, this can be an acceptable alternative.

My Aspergers Teen: Discipline for Defiant Aspergers Teens

Aspergers Children and Language Development

Language seems to develop on time in children with Aspergers (high functioning autism), but words, while formulated according to the rules, seem to lack functional effectiveness, because they most often are used to express immediate needs or to expound on the child’s favorite subjects.

The child with Aspergers seems not to see the main idea or the pivotal point. They tend to have problems with abstraction, inference, or practical, functional language. And their semantic understanding is limited, which frequently shows up in tests and instructional measures of listening comprehension.

Instead of delaying language development, Aspergers impairs the subtleties of social communication. Aspergers children have difficulty understanding nuances such as irony, sarcasm and fanciful or metaphoric language. Many Aspergers children take language literally. Expressions such as “watching paint dry,” or “smart as a tack” leave these children very confused.

Children with Aspergers are often referred to as “little professors,” which is due to their stiff and often pedantic and monotonic use of language. The varied, expressive qualities of expressive language may be unusual. This is called prosody, which is the pitch, loudness, tempo, stress emphasis, tonality, and rhythm patterns of spoken language. Aspergers speech patterns often seem odd to people who don’t know them. Tone, intonation and volume are often restricted, seemingly inappropriate, or at appear at odds with what is being said.

Children with Aspergers also have difficulty interpreting and displaying non-verbal communication. Facial expressions, body language, gestures and postures are often mysteries to children with Aspergers, as is personal space. This inability to instinctively comprehend unspoken communication has led some experts to suggest Aspergers is actually a non-verbal communication disorder.

Characteristics Checklist for Aspergers: Language Skills

Impairments in Language Skills 

A. Impairment in the pragmatic use of language. This refers to the inability to use language in a social sense as a way to interact/communicate with other people. It is important to observe the individual’s use of language in various settings with various people (especially peers), since the impairments are in pragmatic language usage.

1. Uses conversation to convey facts and information about special interests, rather than to convey thoughts, emotions, or feelings.

2. Uses language scripts or verbal rituals in conversation, often described as “nonsense talk” by others (scripts may be made up or taken from movies/books/TV). At times, the scripts are subtle and may be difficult to detect.

3. Has difficulty initiating, maintaining, and ending conversations with others. For example:

• Focuses conversations on one narrow topic, with too many details given, or moves from one seemingly unrelated topic to the next.
• Once a discussion begins it is as if there is no “stop” button; must complete a predetermined dialogue.
• Knows how to make a greeting, but has no idea how to continue the conversation; the next comment may be one that is totally irrelevant.
• Does not make conversations reciprocal (has great difficulty with the back-and-forth aspect), attempts to control the language exchange, may leave a conversation before it is concluded.
• Does not inquire about others when conversing. 

4. Is unsure how to ask for help/make requests/make comments:

• Fails to inquire regarding others.
• Makes comments that may embarrass others.
• Interrupts others.
• Engages in obsessive questioning or talking in one area, lacks interest in the topics of others.
• Has difficulty maintaining the conversation topic.

B. Impairment in the semantic use of language. This refers to understanding the language being used. 

1. Displays difficulty understanding not only individual words, but conversations and material read.

2. Displays difficulty with problem solving.

3. Displays difficulty analyzing/synthesizing information presented:

• Does not ask for the meaning of an unknown word.
• Uses words in a peculiar manner.
• Is unable to make or understand jokes/teasing.
• Creates jokes that make no sense.
• Interprets known words on a literal level (concrete thinking).
• Has a large vocabulary consisting mainly of nouns and verbs.
• Creates own words, using them with great pleasure in social situations.
• Has difficulty discriminating between fact and fantasy.

C. Impairment in prosody. This refers to the pitch, stress, and rhythm of an individual’s voice. 

1. Rarely varies the pitch, stress, rhythm, or melody of his speech. Does not realize this can convey meaning.

2. Has a voice pattern that is often described as robotic or as the “little professor”; in children, the rhythm of speech is more adult-like than child-like.

3. Displays difficulty with volume control (too loud or too soft).

4. Uses the voice of a movie or cartoon character conversationally and is unaware that this is inappropriate.

5. Has difficulty understanding the meaning conveyed by others when they vary their pitch, rhythm, or tone.

D. Impairment in the processing of language. This refers to one’s ability to comprehend what has been said. The Asperger individual has difficulty absorbing, analyzing, and then responding to the information. 

1. When processing language (which requires multiple channels working together), has difficulty regulating just one channel, difficulty discriminating between relevant and irrelevant information.

2. Has difficulty shifting from one channel to another; processing is slow and easily interrupted by any environmental stimulation (seen as difficulty with topic maintenance). This will appear as distractibility or inattentiveness. (Note: When looking at focusing issues it is very difficult to determine the motivator. It could be attributed to one or a few of the following reasons: lack of interest, fantasy involvement, anxiety, or processing difficulty.)

3. Displays a delay when answering questions.

4. Displays difficulty sustaining attention and is easily distracted (one might be discussing plants and the Asperger individual will ask a question about another country — something said may have triggered this connection or the individual may still be in an earlier conversation).

5. Displays difficulty as language moves from a literal to a more abstract level (generalization difficulties found in the Asperger population are, in part, due to these processing difficulties).

More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book


==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

Asperger Syndrome and Attention Difficulties

Question

My question is my 13 yr old Asperger daughter does not pay attention to what is going on around her. Like if something looks dangerous, she doesn't seem to mind…. does not really pay attention crossing road or in parking lots, gets in trouble at school for doodling rather than listening, and so on. Is this part of Aspergers?

Answer

In the past, kids with Asperger Syndrome (now called high functioning autism) would sometimes get an ADHD diagnosis when they just couldn't focus in school. Today, we know a lot more about the differences between Aspergers and ADHD. Still, there are many similarities that can be difficult even for therapists to straighten out.

Theoretically, the distinction is easy enough. Asperger Syndrome is a part of the Autistic spectrum with emotional, social and possible verbal/motor impairments. ADHD and others may also have social components, but they're executive function disorders that usually go away as the youngster grows up. They also don't have the autistic traits often found in Asperger Syndrome kids. Asperger Syndrome is different in that children often have an almost uncanny ability to apply laser-like focus on a topic of interest to the exclusion of everything else, such as a teacher. ADHD, meanwhile, may not be able to focus on the teacher either, but that's because the attention is bouncing around all over the place. Thus, Asperger-related attention problems are more about striking balance between interests, and especially the ability to prioritize what is necessary rather than merely what the youngster happens to find interesting.

Some folks like to joke that they haven't quite received a bill until they open the envelope, so they don't have to worry about it just yet. A youngster with Asperger Syndrome can disregard requests to focus on “uninteresting” things in a similar way, simply blocking it out. Or, it could be the inability to maintain focus despite good efforts (kind of like how it's impossible to stay clear-headed at 2 AM when your whole body is crying out for sleep). No more can you “will” yourself to snap into an alert and rested state than an Asperger Syndrome kid may be able to snap into focus on a dull subject instead of an interesting one.

Either way, this is not something the youngster can help, nor does scowling and lectures help. You're more likely to drive the child away – and do everybody involved a disservice. Instead, talk to your daughter and try to pinpoint the problem. Every case is unique, so you have to look for tricks that help you and your youngster get around those particular problems. The key here is to follow up and give reminders without losing your temper. You can't just say, for example, "Remember to feed the cat at 5:00 PM" …and then get angry when it doesn't happen on its own.

There are many other tricks that may be equally or even more helpful. Again, discuss the nature of the challenges with your youngster with the goal of figuring out workable solutions together. Finally, never lose sight of the fact that even the most perfect plan is bound to have slip-ups; this is not the fault of your child, and she is probably just as frustrated as you are even if she lacks the tools to express it properly.

The Aspergers Comprehensive Handbook 

 
COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said... Describes my son, who is now 31, to a T. Wish there had been a support group back then. He continues to struggle with focusing attention. On some things, he can be hyper focused seemingly ignoring other things around him. Then there are other situations where he doesn't seem focused at all. No he does not drive. He worked for 6 years but no longer. He is highly intelligent & high functioning, but he often stays to himself.
•    Anonymous said... Exactly what I'm dealing with! Seems rare for my son to be thinking or talking about what is relevant!!! Drives me insane!!! I need to learn more about this and ways to deal and cope with it!
•    Anonymous said... I am mostly concerned that the educators are "chastising." Sensory breaks and quiet environment are crucial.
•    Anonymous said... I feel like this not only explains my own 8 year old aspie but also myself.
•    Anonymous said... I'm easily distracted... Oh a squirrel
•    Anonymous said... it is all part of autism spectrum disorder...they will have distractions and moments of behavior issues...
•    Anonymous said... it might be beneficial to get the school resource teacher involved to help w/the teacher & your son!! Our resource teachers helps w/all of my son's struggles & helps his teacher in a positive reinforced way & they all get along so well & are productive in class!! good luck!
•    Anonymous said... my 7th grader is having a lot of difficulty with this right now...she was doodling and when that was taken away from her she started pulling her hair out...after redirection and an increase in meds we are starting to see improvents.
•    Anonymous said... My child has HFA and ADHD combined type and always struggled with staying on task...
•    Anonymous said... My daughter is very smart but has a very hard time focusing on school work and homework or a subject on hand, down to chores. She already got three F's, even one subject with an A at the first quarter but now F.....frustrating but not giving up yet. Some testings are going to be needing to see how far she is doing.
•    Anonymous said... My son was given a squishy stress ball in class , at first to stop him from finding other things to fiddle with and less distracting for the others, it turned out to be great because he could concentrate more, his hands were busy so he was happy and listened to class , Melissa Buckel Rokusek sounds like the same thing for your son when drawing
•    Anonymous said... My step son was using his drawings as his fidget. One of the teachers decided to test how much information he was getting from the class, he passed with flying colors. I think that doodling focuses him on what is actually being said. He also doodles while watching movies (after he can repeat every word). So sometimes its not a bad thing.
•    Anonymous said... sounds a lot like my son. we're going to be homeschooling for a while to see if he can learn to focus his attention on schoolwork. he hasn't been able to function in a class room environment. such a bright boy, we just need to help him focus on the things he needs to focus on in order to do well. drives me insane too.
•    Anonymous said... Sounds alot like my son. He is in fourth grade and every teacher he has had has said that he is very intelligent. But his grades do not reflect that since he is too distracted at school to do better.
•    Anonymous said... sounds alot like my son. His teachers, aides, counselors all say he is super smart. But his grades do not reflect this because they say he doesn't pay attention in class most of the time. I don't think he does it on purpose, but I think his mind wanders. He is 10, but hasn't had an iq test yet.
•    Anonymous said... Sounds like my son.
•    Anonymous said... Stimulants do help with this in my experience with my son. Seems to improve his meltdowns too
•    Anonymous said... This describes my son exactly! We have been dealing with attention issues all through school. I am quite sure he would test as gifted, but his current grades do not reflects it. We always hear he needs to pay more attention, but so far have not found a solution. He reacts badly to stimulants. My son admits he has too many ideas in his head to concentrate.
•    Anonymous said... This is exactly my son!
•    Anonymous said... This just came up at our annual for my daughter. She needs to be redirected because she gets lost in her thoughts. Do any of you have any goals on IEP for dealing with this?
•    Anonymous said... This sounds very much like my 14 y.o. He's very intelligent, but his schoolwork suffers because his attention slips easily while in class.

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