Help for Parents with Defiant Teens on the Spectrum

==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder

Aspergers Kids and Karate

Question

What's the best way to handle a bully whom the school has not disciplined effectively in past years? The father is very defensive and does not believe that the kid is bullying my kid. Are karate lessons the best defense? Do I talk to the youngster?

Answer

As you know from personal experience, bullying is a serious problem for kids with Aspergers (high-functioning autism). Some experts say that as many as 85% of children with Aspergers are subjected to bullying. Others place that number much closer to 100%. The very symptoms and characteristics of Aspergers are the cause. Since your youngster processes things a little differently, he has become a target for this other youngster.

Most schools have strict anti-bullying policies. These policies include children signing anti-bullying contracts, assemblies and classes by trained social workers, and strict discipline policies. Unfortunately, most schools continue to have a problem, in spite of the policies in place. Some children gloss over the behavior and no one wants to be a tattletale. Favored children, like the athletic and academic stars get away with poor behavior because teachers and coaches may look the other way.

The actions of your youngster’s bully may stem from peer pressure or even abuse. Since the mother is defensive, it is very possible that the family dynamics tend to lean in an aggressive manner. You are in a very difficult position since your youngster’s school has failed to handle the situation properly.

Here are some suggestions and words of encouragement for you:

• Dealing with bullying during school hours is the school’s responsibility. Request a meeting with your youngster’s teacher and the principal. Supply written information about your youngster’s bully. Be truthful about every incident of bullying your youngster has experienced. Firmly request that action be taken immediately.

• If the school fails to handle the issue, be prepared to file official reports with the school board and local authorities. Bullying is a form of harassment and can be treated as a legal grievance.

• Never should you approach the family of your youngster’s bully. It is understandable that you would like to resolve this issue. However, this could actually be dangerous. Most bullies learn their actions by observation. Approaching the family on your own may result in a very negative situation for you at that time and for your youngster as he continues to spend his days at school with this bully and his friends.

• Request an IEP or 504 plan review meeting to address the bullying issues. Request accommodations to protect and support your youngster through these bullying situations. A full time aide or even a transfer may be in order.

Karate lessons are a great idea for any youngster -- but especially for Aspergers kids. Your youngster with Aspergers will appreciate the strict routine and discipline of the sport. It will teach him confidence and build his strength. It should not be taught as a form of defense from bullies, however.

The Aspergers Comprehensive Handbook

TEACHING ASPERGERS TEENS TO CHOOSE FRIENDS WISELY

Research shows that the pressure to have sex, use tobacco, alcohol, and illegal drugs comes most often from wanting to be accepted, wanting to belong, and wanting to be noticed. Help your Asperger's (high-functioning autistic) teenager learn what qualities to look for in a friend, and advise him about what to say if offered harmful substances. Children who have difficulty making friends need your support to avoid being isolated or bullied. This post offers information and tips to support your child's social skills and development at a time when he is making important decisions that will affect his whole life.

Teen Popularity Tied to Alcohol, Tobacco, and Illegal Drug Use—

From cigarette-smoking James Dean in the 1950s to the current generation of rave goers, images of popularity among teenagers often have included alcohol, tobacco, and illegal drug use. In a study at the Annenberg Public Policy Center of the University of Pennsylvania, researchers found that young people connect cigarette smoking and alcohol and illegal drug use with popularity.

According to the study, young people between the ages of 14 and 22 are more likely to connect drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes or pot, or gambling with their “popular” peers than their “unpopular” ones. Young people believe that cigarettes, marijuana, and alcohol are easily accessible, and many also believe that the popular kids drink and smoke cigarettes or marijuana. Since popular kids shape the norms that influence the attitudes and behaviors of those their age, this combination of popularity and accessibility is a dangerous mix.

Teens’ desire to be well-liked is not unusual, but it may lead them to make poor decisions, especially when it comes to resisting peer pressure; saying “no” to a popular kid can be tough. You can help your teen by preparing her to deal with peer pressure.

Another way to help your teen is to get to know your teen’s friends. Encourage your teen to invite his friends to hang out at your house, drive them to a movie or school event, and attend school or community events (like a football game). Meeting your teen’s friends will give you a sense of their personalities, their interests, and their family situations. Don’t be too quick to judge your child’s friends, though. Radical styles and unconventional appearances may be nothing more than a badge of identity. Besides, your teen may dismiss any snap judgments that you offer.

What Is Your Child’s School Doing About Bullying?

Bullying affects more students than many parents realize. Even if your child isn’t a bully and isn’t a victim of bullying, she may still be affected by bully/victim problems in her school.

According to Blueprints for Violence Prevention, in classrooms or schools with high levels of bullying problems, students tend to feel less safe and are less satisfied with school life. These feelings mean that for many students, especially those who are bullying victims, the classroom is no longer a place of learning. When a child feels unsafe, he can’t pay attention to his schoolwork as he should.

A classroom with a lot of bullying problems may also have other harmful effects on students. Children and teens who regularly see bullying at school have a less secure learning environment, fear that the bully may target them next, and know that teachers and other adults either can’t or won’t control bullies’ behavior. Over time, such events can lead to new bullying episodes and other problems in the classroom.

School administrators need to be committed to stopping bullying at school. The best way of addressing bullying is through broad, school wide programs. Although teachers, counselors, and parents may be able to deal with individual cases of bullying as they come up, it’s not likely to have a real impact on the rate of bullying in the school.

For one thing, bullying often is hidden from both teachers and parents. Adults typically identify less than 10 percent of bullying incidents. In addition, many teachers and administrators don’t understand the dynamics of bullying. With no training, some educators may actually support bullying behavior. They may accidentally send students the message that bullying is “part of growing up,” or simply ignore the behavior.

There are a large percentage of students who regularly witness bullying at school but don’t know what they can do to help. The most important reason for creating a school-wide anti-bullying program may be to connect and make this “silent majority” fell powerful enough to help. Programs that teach students to recognize and intervene in bullying have been found to have the greatest impact on stopping incidents of bullying and harassment at school.

To learn what you school is doing about bullying, contact a school guidance counselor or administrator. If your school does not have a bullying prevention program in place, encourage school administrators to start one. Bullying prevention programs don’t just make school better for bullies and victims; they make school better for all students.

Know Your Child's Friends and Their Parents—

A Good Result: You may wonder if any of your guidance is sinking in, but young people listen and absorb more than you think. They are likely to apply your viewpoint to their own friends and social situations. Young people consistently say that their parents are the most important influence in their lives.

A Guiding Hand: Adolescents may react negatively to any pressure or direct suggestions about whom they should hang out with. But there are plenty of opportunities to learn more about their friends. You can ask a child what she likes about a friend or what she thinks of a situation. Use examples from your own experience. Spending time together and being involved in a child's life allows communication about friends and other sensitive topics to become natural and expected. Encourage your children to get involved in activities that match their interests. Trying different activities channels an adolescent's curiosity into things that are safe and fun. Positive activities are good ways to meet friends who have positive attitudes.

A New Era: As children move into middle school and on to high school, they meet new people and experience changes in style, outlook, and social life. Don't be surprised to see major shifts in your child's fashion sense, the movies she watches, and the music she listens to. As your adolescent develops her new identity, she may challenge the way things are done and may see little need for advice and direction. Disappearing into her room, spending endless hours on the phone, and hanging out with friends—often new friends—are behaviors that signal a whole new scene.

Peer Influences: As a child begins to declare his independence, his social circle may provide new views about what's right, acceptable, "cool," or "hip." Unspoken expectations as well as direct encouragement can sway an adolescent's behavior as well as his attitudes. The youth scene inevitably includes issues of drinking, smoking, and illegal drug use. When a young person has friends who engage in these activities, it becomes easier for her to believe that such conduct is normal. Besides, adolescents tend to think nothing bad can happen to them. As a result, a child may be inclined to go along with the crowd. She may try a substance that not only is dangerous, but also can get her in trouble. Remember, tobacco and alcohol use are against the law for adolescents.

A Watchful Eye: Young people often are so focused on their personal world of friends and activities that parental influence may seem to be squeezed out. But you can do a lot to help your adolescent take the right social cues.

Get to know the friends' parents. If you haven't met them, give them a call. Ask what their expectations are regarding curfews, sleepovers, and entertainment. Share your rules and views. Invite the friends' parents to contact you with any questions or concerns regarding the adolescents' behavior or to clarify arrangements for their activities. Doing so will add to your impressions of your child's friends. It will help you know where your child is, whom he is with, and how (or if) he is being supervised when he's not at home.

Getting to know a child's friends is a good place to start. Meeting them will give you a sense of their personalities, what they are "into," and their family situations. Don't be too quick to judge a child's friends, though. Radical styles and unconventional appearances may be nothing more than a badge of identity. Besides, your child will dismiss any snap judgments that you offer.

Welcome your child's friends into your home. Encourage your child to invite them over. Talk with them. Offer to drive them home or to drop the group off at a party, the movies, or a school event.

Preparing Youth for Peer pressure—

It's more than just a phase that young people go through. Whether it leads to pink hair or body piercing, peer pressure is a powerful reality and many adults do not realize its effects. It can be a negative force in the lives of children and adolescents, often resulting in their experimentation with tobacco, alcohol, and illegal drugs. Parents often believe that their children do not value their opinions. In reality, studies suggest that parents have tremendous influence over their children, especially teenagers. No matter the age of their children, parents and caregivers should never feel helpless about countering the negative effects of peer pressure. Here are what parents can do:

Teach young people how to refuse offers for cigarettes, alcohol and drugs. Making children comfortable with what they can say goes a long way. For instance, shy children and adolescents might be more comfortable saying, "no thanks," or "I have to go," while those who are more outgoing might saying something like, "forget it!" or "no way!" No matter what approach parents choose, it is important for them to role-play peer-pressure situations with their children.

Talk to young people about how to avoid undesirable situations or people who break the rules. Children and adolescents who are not in situations where they feel pressure to do negative actions are far less likely to do them. Likewise, those who choose friends who do not smoke, drink, use drugs, steal, and lie to their parents are far less likely to do these things as well.

Remind children that there is strength in numbers. When young people can anticipate stressful peer pressure situations, it might be helpful if they bring friends for support.

Let young people know that it is okay to seek an adult’s advice. While it would be ideal if children sought the advice of their parents, other trusted adults can usually help them avoid most difficult situations, such as offers to smoke, drink, or use drugs.

Nurture strong self-esteem. Strong self-esteem helps children and adolescents make decisions and follow them, even if their friends do not think some choices are "cool." Some ways parents can do this include being generous with praise, teaching children how to perceive themselves in positive ways, and avoiding criticism of children that takes the form of ridicule or shame.

Teach Your Child Refusal Skills: Your child faces a number of tough decisions in her life. Since making friends and fitting in are important to many children, peer pressure has a big impact on decisions, especially on those about drug, alcohol, and tobacco use. Children may be afraid that if they say no to something harmful, they won't be accepted. It is important that you teach your child about the dangers of drugs, alcohol, and tobacco. Other important skills your child needs are refusal skills. If you teach her how to say no to dangerous situations, she will feel more confident in her decisions. There are a number of ways your child can refuse drugs, alcohol, and tobacco. Following is a guide for teaching your child refusal skills.

Ways To Say No—

Assert yourself. This is an important part of all the above tactics. If your child can stick up for herself, she is learning an important life skill. Being able to state your position assertively is a trait that we value in adults, so if your child learns it now, she will be better off in the future.

Be a broken record. Tell your child to keep saying no as many times as he needs to, either to cause the person pressuring them to stop, or to stall until he can think of something else to say.

Change the subject or suggest doing something else. By saying, "Let's do ____ instead," your child has the potential to not only refuse an offer of drugs, alcohol, or tobacco, but to prevent a friend from using them too.

Give a reason. This reason could be simply, "I'm not allowed to do that," or, "That's bad for you." It could state the consequences, such as, "I don't want to do that; it will make me sick," or, "You can die from doing that." The important thing is that your child states her reason for saying no with confidence. It's important for your child not to get into an argument; the goal is to refuse what is being offered.

Say, "No, thanks." It could be just as easy as that! However, if the person offering the cigarette, beer, or joint persists, your child will have to back up her "No thanks" with other tactics.

Walk away or ignore the offer. This doesn't work in all situations. Sometimes your child will be alone or in some other situation where he can't walk away.

Remember, the best way to refuse drugs, alcohol, and tobacco is to spend time with people who don't use these substances. Help your children establish positive friendships, and monitor your child's activities.

==> The Aspergers Comprehensive Handbook

Monitoring Your Aspergers Child’s Activities

Do you know what your Aspergers youngster listens to and reads and how she spends time with her friends? Talking with your youngster about her interests opens up an opportunity for you to share your values. And research says that monitoring your youngster's activities is an important way to lower her chances of getting involved in situations you don't approve of, especially those that can be harmful. Unsupervised kids simply have more opportunities to experiment with risky behaviors, including the use of alcohol, tobacco, and illegal drugs, and they may start substance abuse at earlier ages.

At home:

• Know what your youngster watches on TV.

• Know what your youngster is reading.

• Know what your youngster is doing on the internet.

• Know what music your youngster listens to.

Away from home:

It's 4 p.m. on a school day. Do you know where your Aspergers youngster is? If she's an adolescent, you may not. As your youngster gets older and makes more and more of her own decisions, don't assume that you can let go of your responsibility to monitor her activities. Your role becomes even more important at this stage of her life. You can't tag along after her to watch her every move (nor would you want to) but you still can be involved and aware of where she's going and who her friends are. Don't be afraid to set rules for your youngster; this is a time when he needs you to be a parent, not a buddy.

Begin monitoring your Aspergers youngster early in her preteen years. If you wait until your youngster's teen years to begin monitoring, it may feel to her like you suddenly don't trust her and suspect she's doing something wrong. She may even turn the issue into a power struggle. So start monitoring your youngster early in ways that are age appropriate. This will help her accept your involvement as a part of life.

The following list can help in monitoring your Aspergers youngster's activities:

• Show up early to pick him up so that you can observe his behavior.

• Make a list of his weekly activities and keep it in your day timer or on the refrigerator.

• Know your youngster's friends (first and last names) and their home phone numbers.

• Know his friends' moms and dads and their cell phone numbers, if possible.

• Insist that he call and let you know where he is after school.

• Find out where he is going and with whom.

• Find out what adults are going to be home at any parties he attends.

• Find out how he will get there and back home.

• Check up on him occasionally to see that he is where he said he would be.

Monitoring means establishing firm guidelines and limits for your Aspergers youngster to keep track of what is going on in her social world. Monitoring also means making expectations clear about what your youngster should do in an emergency.

Give your Aspergers youngster money, a phone card, cell phone, or a beeper with instructions on when to check in with you. For example, let your youngster know that if you call the beeper, you expect him to call back within 5 minutes.

Work with the moms and dads of your youngster's friends. Exchange each other’s e-mail addresses and phone numbers so that you can work together to monitor the kids as a group and help each other stay informed. It will help you overcome any resistance from your youngster if she knows that all the moms and dads are doing "this monitoring thing." If she does resist your involvement, you can say to her, "It's my job as a parent to keep you safe, so I'm going to ask questions about whom you're with and what you're doing."

Encourage your Aspergers youngster to participate in after-school activities that include adult supervision such as school clubs or sports. After-school jobs, if carefully chosen, can provide teens with structure and positive reinforcement of values, along with supervision.

Aspergers adolescents need increasing freedom to begin their road to independence, and they need moms and dads who monitor their behavior in a respectful and appropriate way. Careful monitoring does not mean taking away your youngster's freedom to decide what he wants to do. You are confirming that he actually is doing what he says he is doing. As you find that you can trust him, your relationship with him will grow stronger.

The Aspergers Comprehensive Handbook