Helping Your “Neurotypical” Children Cope with a Sibling on the Autism Spectrum

Parenting a youngster with Asperger’s (AS) or High-Functioning Autism (HFA) places some unexpected burdens on moms and dads – as well as siblings. The time involved in meeting the needs of a family member on the autism spectrum may leave the parent with little time for the other kids. As a result, there may be consistent tension in the household.

Many siblings of an AS or HFA child experience the following stressors:

• Angry that no one pays attention to them (in their opinion)
• Being the target of aggressive behaviors from the autistic child
• Concern over their role in care-taking
• Concern regarding their parents’ anxiety
• Embarrassment around peers
• Frustration over not being able to engage or get a response from their AS or HFA sibling
• Guilty for negative feelings they have toward their brother/sister
• Guilty for not having the same problems as their sibling
• Jealousy regarding the amount of time and attention their mom and dad spend with their sibling
• Not knowing how to handle situations in which their sibling is teased or bullied by others
• Pressure to be or do what their brother/sister can’t
• Resentful of having to explain, support, or take care of their sibling
• Resentful that they are unable to do things or go places because of their brother/sister
• Trying to make up for the deficits of their sibling
• Worried about their brother/sister

Due to the nature of AS and HFA, it is difficult for brothers and sisters to form a satisfying relationship with the sibling who has the disorder. For instance, the siblings’ attempts to play with their autistic brother may (a) be rejected by his ignoring them, (b) fail because of his lack of play skills, or (c) end suddenly because his meltdowns are scary. What child would keep trying to form a friendship with someone who seemed upset to one degree or another every time he was approached? It’s not surprising that siblings become discouraged by the reactions they encounter from their autistic sibling.

There are special demands placed on the siblings of an AS or HFA child. Thus, it is crucial that they learn to manage these demands. It’s also crucial that parents (a) educate their “neurotypical” (i.e., non-autistic) children about autism spectrum disorders, (b) work at improving interactions among all the kids in the family, and (c) ensure brothers and sisters grow up feeling they have benefited from the love, time and attention they all need.

Fortunately, your non-autistic kids can be taught simple skills that will help them to engage their AS or HFA sibling in playful interactions. These skills include things such as praising good play, making sure they have their autistic sibling’s attention, and giving simple instructions.

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

Below are some suggestions regarding ways parents can help their “neurotypical” kids in the family cope gracefully and effectively with the experience of having a sibling on the autism spectrum:

1. Even though it is important for your AS or HFA youngster to feel like a fully integrated member of the family, it is equally as important that your other kids have “special time” too. Thus, as much as possible, try to find some regular, separate time for the other kids. It could be as simple as one evening a week, a Sunday morning, or even a 10 minutes at bedtime each night.

Making sure that each and every child has the exact amount of “parent-time” is not necessary – or even important. What is important, though, is the opportunity for each child to feel special and to feel an overall atmosphere of equity in the home. If the “special needs” youngster experiences serious behavior-management problems, most parents will have neither the endurance nor the time to give all the kids exactly the same amount of attention. This is understandable and something that simply comes with the territory.

2. If the AS or HFA child is particularly aggressive or disruptive, the emotions of the “neurotypical” children may become so severe or upsetting that they will need professional counseling to help them cope. Also, meeting and talking with other kids going through the same thing can be very helpful (even if it's just online).

3. Research supports the idea that siblings of an AS or HFA child need to understand what autism is all about. Parents need to educate their “neurotypical” children about the disorder early – and do it often! From early childhood, these siblings need explanations that help them understand the behaviors that are of concern to them. And, the information provided needs to be adjusted to the siblings’ age and understanding.

For instance, very young kids may be concerned about the odd behaviors of the AS or HFA child that scare them (e.g., meltdowns, aggression, etc.). An older youngster may have concerns about how to explain autism to his or her peers. For teenagers, these concerns may shift to the long-range needs of their “special needs” sibling and the role they will play in future care. Every age has its needs, and the parent’s task is to listen carefully to the immediate concerns of the non-autistic children.




4. Some degree of sibling rivalry is to be expected in all families, whether or not autism is factored in to the equation. But, sometimes the rivalry crosses the line into abuse (e.g., one of the children acts out abuse in play, acts out sexually in inappropriate ways, has changes in behavior/sleep patterns/eating habits, has nightmares, always avoids his or her sibling, one child is always the aggressor while the other is always the victim, or the conflict between siblings is increasing over time). If there is a chance the sibling relationship has become abusive, parents should seek professional help.

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

5. Try to have a mixture of family activities where all members participate, and individual activities where one child is the focus of your attention. In addition to one-on-one time, it’s also good to have some events when one youngster in the family has the focus of everyone’s attention (e.g., birthdays, graduations, etc.).

Siblings may become frustrated and angry if they have to do everything with their AS or HFA sister/brother. In fact, there may be times when it may not be fair to insist that they be included. For instance, if the AS or HFA child can’t sit still for a school play, then it may be better if she or he stays home while your “neurotypical” youngster performs.

6.    Consider purchasing some books on the topic. Here are a few:

• Brothers and Sisters: A Special Part of Exceptional Families, by Thomas Powell and Peggy Gallagher.
• Offspring and Parents, by Diane Marsh, Rex Dickens and E. Fuller Torrey. 
• It Isn't Fair! Edited by Stanley D. Klein and Maxwell J. Schleifer
• Living with a Brother or Sister with Special Needs: A Book for Siblings, by Donald Meyer and Patricia Vadasy.
• Siblings Without Rivalry, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

7.    Talk to your physician if you see any of these warning signs in your “neurotypical” children as they try to cope with a sibling on the autism spectrum:

• withdrawal (e.g., hibernating in their bedroom)
• talk of hurting themselves
• poor self-esteem
• poor concentration
• physical symptoms (e.g., headaches or stomachaches)
• perfectionism
• loss of interest in activities
• hopelessness
• frequent crying or worrying
• difficulty separating from parents
• changes in eating or sleeping (e.g., too much or too little)

Research indicates that the majority of “neurotypical” kids cope well with their experience of having an AS or HFA sibling. However, that doesn’t mean that they do not encounter particular difficulties in learning how to deal with him or her. While having a sibling on the spectrum is a challenge to the siblings, it is certainly not an insurmountable obstacle. Most “neurotypical” kids handle the challenge effectively, and many of them respond with humor, grace, and love far beyond their years.

More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

Modified Disciplinary Techniques for Children on the Autism Spectrum

If your youngster has High-Functioning Autism (HFA), should you discipline him in a different way than you do with your other kids? The answer is YES! But, they still need discipline. HFA is a challenge, not an excuse for misbehavior. Nonetheless, moms and dads will need to be more flexible in their expectations.

Parents must understand up front that HFA impacts their child’s ability to understand instruction, follow through on tasks, and control his impulses. Also, they will need to provide discipline and instruction more often and with more consistency. Your “special needs” child is emotionally much younger than his chronological age. After all, he has a “developmental disorder.” So, lessons may take longer to sink in.



Misbehavior from kids on the autism spectrum is frustrating – and repeated disobedience over an extended time can be infuriating to many moms and dads. Just like with their “typical” kids, most parents will automatically respond to misbehavior by using punishment to stop it. But this isn’t the most effective approach – especially for a youngster with combined autism and ADHD or ODD. Punishment alone never teaches new behavior. It only teaches what NOT to do – it doesn’t teach what TO do.

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

Here are a few tips regarding modified disciplinary techniques for kids on the autism spectrum:

A Different Form of Time-out—

Kids on the spectrum often enjoy playing alone. As a result, a “time-out” in their bedroom is often a reward rather than a punishment. Thus, when issuing a time-out with your HFA child, it’s best to put him in a place without the comforts of the bedroom (e.g., at the dining room table without games, toys, digital devices, etc.).

Keep time-outs unusually short (e.g., 1 minutes for young kids, 3 minutes for preschoolers, and 5 minutes for 6-10 year olds). This is plenty of time IF your child shows quiet feet, quiet hands, and quiet mouth. Long time-outs often start a battle of wills, and the message that the consequence sends gets lost.

Contrast “time-out” with “time-in.” For example, if you put your HFA youngster in time-out for pushing his sister, you should have been praising him earlier for playing appropriately with his sister – and should praise him after time-out for completing the 1-5 minute consequence successfully. If there isn't a big difference between time-out and time-in, the “special needs” youngster doesn't understand the consequence.

If you tell your youngster to go to time-out and she ignores you, then simply add 1 minute to her time-out. If she ignores you again, then add another minute. If she ignores you a third time, DON’T add more additional minutes (if it goes over 5 minutes), and DON’T pick her up and drag her to time-out. This will make things worse, and the attention (which is now negative attention) can unintentionally reinforce the noncompliance. 

 

The course of action at this point is to simply impose a consequence that “hurts” (e.g., no video games for the rest of the day). Deliver that consequence calmly, and don't talk about it further. Even if your youngster says, “No mom, I'll go into time-out now” …don't give in! Otherwise, she will know that you “cave-in” if she just sounds desperate enough.

A “prompt” (e.g., a timer) to signal the beginning and end of a time-out will help. If your youngster won’t cooperate, remind her that the time-out doesn’t start until she is quietly in her time-out location.

Practice time-outs ahead of time. For example, ask your youngster to pretend that she behaved badly, and that she is being sent to time-out. Have her practice going to time-out without putting up a fight. Then reward with acknowledgement and praise for completing the practice run.

 

==> Launching Adult Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

A Different Reward System—

Rewards work well for kids with HFA, but they, too, may need to be tweaked slightly. For instance, one expectation may be to take turns when playing games with siblings. It's probably not realistic to set that expectation for a whole day, because if the HFA child messes up in the morning, he’s lost the entire day. Rather, break the day up into thirds and give points for appropriate behavior in the morning, the afternoon, and the evening. Once your child has earned points, you can’t take them away.

So, if your child plays fairly in the morning, he earns reward points (rewards can include doing something special, or receiving a special treat or privilege). If he plays unfairly in the afternoon, he must leave the game and go somewhere else for a timeout, and he doesn’t receive reward points – BUT he doesn’t lose the morning points he earned. Also, most kids on the spectrum need more frequent rewards. They will lose interest if they have to wait an entire week to earn one.

Avoiding Physical Punishment—

A good ass-whipping may have worked for you as a child – I know it did for me! However, spanking, yelling, or other aversive methods should never be used on an HFA child. These somewhat traditional (or old school) methods may work in the short term, but they don’t prevent problematic behavior in the long run – often resulting in worse problems! This is because one side-effect of the use of physical punishment is counter-aggression. So, if you use this type of punishment on your “special needs” youngster, guess what he is going to do the next time he’s angry with his sister? Counter-aggress!

Physical punishment teaches aggressive behavior; it teaches how to punish back. Also, the HFA youngster may begin to engage in escape or avoidance behavior. For example, if he gets spanked at home for acting-out at school, he may refuse to go to school due to the anxiety he now has about his school-related, acting-out behavior.

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

Taking Advantage of Obsessions—

Almost all kids go through periods of development where they become engrossed in one subject matter or another, but kids with HFA often display obsessive and repetitive characteristics, which can have significant implications for behavior. In many cases, it is appropriate to utilize the obsession or “special interest” to motivate and reward your youngster for good behavior. However, always ensure any reward associated with positive behavior is granted immediately in order to assist the youngster in recognizing the connection between the two.

Concrete Instruction—

The HFA child also does better with very specific instructions. For example, instead of telling her to “clean her room,” be specific. For example, “Be sure to pick all clothes off the floor, and put all books on the bookshelves.” In this way, she clearly understands what to do. Also, this chore should be visually represented on a chore chart somewhere in her bedroom.

Learn How Your Child Thinks—

Kids on the spectrum tend to be very logical in their thinking, focusing more on facts than feelings. If the consequence doesn’t make sense, it will not likely change the unwanted behavior (e.g., making the child do extra chores because he got mad and broke his favorite toy). The discipline must fit the “crime” (e.g., the child breaks his treasured toy, so he must take money from his allowance to purchase a new one). There must be a connection between the misbehavior and the discipline. 

 

So, before you discipline, be mindful that your youngster's logic will not necessarily reflect your idea of common sense. In addition, look for small opportunities to deliberately allow your youngster to make mistakes for which you can set aside “discipline-teaching” time. This will be a learning process for your youngster – and you!




Picking the Right Battles—

Parents can't change everything at once in their HFA youngster. Instead, they should choose a few big things that they want to work on, and put the other things aside for now. Pick your battles carefully. BUT, when you do pick one, stay with it and be consistent! HFA children thrive on consistency, routine and structure. Use this trait to your advantage.

Replacement Behavior—

Kids on the autism spectrum need a “replacement behavior.” So, rather than saying, “You need to stop that” …say something such as, “I need you to stop _______ (be very specific in describing the misbehavior), and do ________ instead (be very specific in describing the replacement behavior).” For example, “I need you to stop bullying your sister. So, go to your room and find something else to do. Maybe play your video game.” Also, use the phrase “I need…..” as noted above. This is something YOU, the parent, need. Your HFA child doesn’t “need” to stop picking on his sister. He’s perfectly fine with doing it.

Visual Instruction—

Another important consideration for a youngster with HFA is to teach him the skills he needs to succeed BEFORE he has a problem. For instance, all kids need guidance to help them keep up with chores and homework. However, a child on the autism spectrum can't be expected to "just get it" from verbal instruction. Instead, he needs a visual schedule that he can follow. So, devise a visual chore chart, as well as a homework chart (i.e., what is to be done, in what order, and when it is to be completed).

In order to effectively discipline the HFA child, parents will need to comprehend each of the factors above and fully place them in the proper context of any given situation. This knowledge will aid parents in catching problems early and laying a foundation for “prevention,” rather than dealing with problems after they occur and having to jump to “intervention.”

Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Launching Adult Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social-Skills and Emotion-Management to Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Parents' Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling the Mystery Behind High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Crucial Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism

 

 

More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:

 

Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

Click here to read the full article…

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Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

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Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

Click here to read the full article…

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Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

Click here to read the full article…

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Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Click here to read the full article...

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Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...

 

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A child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can have difficulty in school because, since he fits in so well, many adults may miss the fact that he has a diagnosis. When these children display symptoms of their disorder, they may be seen as defiant or disruptive.

Click here for the full article...

How to Identify High-Functioning Autism in a Preschooler

Identifying High-Functioning Autism (HFA) and Asperger’s in young people who have the disorder can be difficult because they are relatively skilled in most areas (e.g., many have a high level of language development and an average to high IQ). But, parents may be able to recognize HFA in a preschooler by watching his or her social interactions and behaviors.

Although parents may recognize some telltale signs of HFA in their preschooler, ultimately they need the professional discernment of a physician or other qualified professional. The physician may recommend tests to more thoroughly examine relevant potentially telling aspects of a preschooler's social and cognitive development. However, there is no single medical test to diagnose HFA, so parents should be patient as they and their child’s physician work through the diagnosis process.



Have you wondered whether or not your child has an Autism Spectrum Disorder? If so, here’s what to look for to confirm your suspicions (if you answer “yes” to most of these questions, then seeking a formal diagnosis would be the next step):

1. Can your HFA child follow the lead of a close friend or sibling with “role-playing,” yet doesn't do it on his own?
2. Does your child appear to be clumsy or awkward in her movements? 
3. Does your child appear to have difficulty reading and interpreting others' feelings in real social interactions?
4. Does your child commonly show repetitive motor behaviors (e.g., persistent hand twisting or finger tapping, whole-body movements, etc.)?
5. Does your child have great difficulty adapting to change?
6. Would you say your child has great difficulty deviating from his routine?
7. Does your child have great difficulty interacting with her same-age peers, yet does well socially with those older or younger than her?
8. Does your child prefer adults for conversation over another youngster his age?
9. Does your child prefer games with a set script (e.g., acting out a favorite story or TV show)?
10. Does your child prefer highly-structured days and consistent rules?
11. Have you noticed that your child has difficulty interacting with others in group-play?
12. Does your child seem to have disregard for other's feelings (e.g., appears to be insensitive)?
13. Does your child tend to misinterpret simple social cues (e.g., turn-taking during conversation or games)?
14. Does your youngster only initiate questions on topics that interest him?
15. Has your child become distressed if you get in her way (e.g. passing in front of her while she is trying to walk in circles around a table)?
16. Has your child demonstrated difficulty in some motor skills (e.g., catching and throwing a ball, riding a bicycle, tying shoe laces, etc.)?
17. Does your child enjoy creating fantasy worlds, yet struggles with social role-play?
18. Does your child have a passionate “special interest” to the exclusion of all other potential interests?
19. Does your child have difficulty with imaginative play (e.g., he dislikes or struggles to understand social games)? 
20. Has your child tried to impose her choice of game on her playmates or otherwise act in a very one-sided manner?
21. Have you noticed that your HFA child is highly skilled at language and very verbal (e.g., she may list off every item in a room)?
22. Is it rare that your child responds to social interaction with a smile of happy emotional expression?
23. Would you say that the social context in which language is used is often abnormal (e.g., words may be repeated but not understood)?
24. Would you say your child is a "walking encyclopedia" on a given topic?
25. Does your child have trouble joining or staying in social interactions (e.g., he may leave the room in the middle of playing with another youngster or otherwise be disruptive)? 
26. Does your child have trouble understanding social boundaries (e.g., the need for privacy or personal space)?
27. Would you say your child seems to be lost "in his own world"?
28. Would you say your child speaks in a monotonous or idiosyncratic fashion (e.g., has a flat tone, an odd or high tone, stresses words and the rhythm of speech, speaks in a singsong or otherwise unusual tone, etc.)?
29. Does your child tend to prefer playing by himself – and even gets upset if another youngster approaches him?
30. Does your child’s speech seem overly formal or scripted (e.g., uses language to relay facts but not to convey thoughts or feelings)?
31. Would you say your child’s social interactions are awkward (e.g., consistently avoiding eye contact, unusual body posture, gestures, facial expressions, etc.)? 
32. Does your child have unusual sensory reactions (e.g., abnormal reactions to touch, sight, smell, sound or taste)?
33. Does your child only interact with others when she wants to talk about her “special interest” or if she needs something?
34. Does your child organize her stuffed animals into elaborate societies, yet doesn't role-play interactions with them?
35. Has your child ever been unresponsive to pain, or did not know how to communicate that he was in pain?

Treatment—

If your child exhibits most of the traits listed above, seek the help of a professional. There is no "cure" for HFA, but numerous therapies are available that can help your youngster gain skills and be more comfortable. The goal of treatment is to maximize your youngster's ability to function day-to-day through acquiring coping mechanisms and focusing on learning outcomes.

Some treatment options include the following:

• Sensory integration therapies (e.g., sensory diet) can improve the youngster's tolerance to sensory input and manage hyperactivity.
• Medications (e.g., antidepressants or antipsychotics) can be effective in controlling certain HFA-related symptoms (e.g., anxiety, severe behavioral problems, etc.).
• Family therapies, in which the emphasis is on teaching the child’s parents different ways to interact with her to promote her social and emotional development, can be very helpful.
• Educational therapies that are highly-structured, “individually-tailored” programs executed by a team of specialists who have expertise in communicating with - and teaching - HFA children are also very helpful.
• Behavior and communication therapy, in which the goal is either reduce problematic behaviors and communication styles or to improve these areas by teaching new skills, is perhaps the most important therapy of all.

More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book


==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism