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Help for the Vindictive, Revengeful Child on the Autism Spectrum

"I need some advice on how to help my child (autistic) deal with his revengeful attitude. He's quick to fly off the handle whenever he thinks he's been treated unfairly (quite a black-and-white thinker)."

A youngster with ASD level 1, or high functioning autism, who is vindictive is demonstrating that something is wrong. His rage and hostility are symptoms of an underlying problem.

It may be the result of (a) the expression of emotions, attitudes and behavior that have been inadvertently or purposefully conditioned; (b) an expression of emotional distress; (c) an attempt to cope with sensory sensitivities; and/or (d) a physical, developmental, neurological or mental illness.

Symptoms of a vindictive or revengeful child include the following:
  • angry and irritable mood
  • argues with parents and teachers
  • behavior causes significant problems at home and school
  • blames others for his or her misbehavior
  • deliberately annoys siblings and peers
  • is easily annoyed by others
  • is often resentful
  • often loses temper
  • refuses to comply with parents’/teachers’ requests or rules



For some kids, symptoms may first be seen only at home, but with time, these symptoms extend to other settings (e.g., with friends, at school, etc.).

No matter the cause, the behavior of a vindictive youngster is hurtful to others and ultimately self-destructive. It is to everyone’s benefit to find ways to handle the autistic youngster that will limit the aggression and amend the underlying issues that feed his or her malevolence.

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

Parents can begin chipping away at problem behaviors by utilizing these suggestions:

1. Assign a household chore that's essential and that won't get done unless your child does it. It's important to (a) set your youngster up for success with tasks that are relatively easy to achieve, and (b) gradually blend in more important and challenging expectations. Also, give clear, easy-to-follow instructions for the chore. Kids who feel competent tend to have higher self-esteem and improved behavior.

2. Show your youngster – in your own behavior – how you can use reason, talk and problem-solving to achieve goals as opposed to “acting-out.”

3. Never use insults, sarcasm or satire as a means of verbal punishment or as a strategy for enlightenment. ASD children have difficulty understanding figurative or metaphorical statements.

4. Use “labeled praise” when your child exhibits the kind of positive behavior you would like to see more of (e.g., “I saw that you were irritated, but you did a good job of being courteous and not losing your temper”).

5. At first, your youngster may not be cooperative or appreciate your changed response to his behavior. Understand that behavior may worsen temporarily in the face of new expectations (called an "extinction burst" by therapists). Remaining consistent in the face of increasingly difficult behavior is the key to success initially.




6. Build in time together by developing a regular weekly schedule that involves you and your youngster spending time doing something the two of you enjoy.

7. Cognitive problem-solving training is a type of therapy that is aimed at helping your youngster identify and change thought patterns that lead to behavior problems. Collaborative problem-solving, in which you and your youngster work together to come up with solutions that work for both of you, can help improve defiant behavior.

8. Consider “Parent Training.” A mental health provider can help you develop parenting skills that are more positive and less aggravating for you and your youngster. In some cases, your youngster may participate in this type of training with you so that everyone develops shared goals for how to handle problems.

9. Find out what your youngster’s perceptions of the situation are, and try to understand her motivation.

10. Get your child to verbalize his feelings so he can learn how to talk about anger, aggravation, and bitterness rather than “acting it out.”

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

11. If your youngster is acting unkindly toward others and not responding to limits, then monitor and limit movies, television, and video games to venues that provide only appropriate models. Do not allow exposure to aggression, violence, and disrespect of others.

12. Pick your battles carefully, and avoid power struggles. Almost any minor conflict can turn in to a “knock-down-drag-out” fight if you let it.

13. Establish a strict zero-tolerance policy for teasing, bullying, and verbal/physical aggression. Respond to every incident of these behaviors. If the behavior problem is minor, offer a verbal warning – but do not allow the behavior to continue or worsen. After warnings have been given, meet every occurrence of vindictiveness with a consequence.

14. Set up a routine by developing a consistent daily schedule for your youngster. Asking your youngster to help develop that routine will be favorable.

15. Social skills training is greatly needed for children on the autism spectrum. Their social skills are characteristically very poor. Your youngster also may benefit from therapy that will help her learn how to interact more positively with friends and classmates.

16. Try individual and family therapy. Individual counseling for your youngster may help him learn to manage anger and express feelings in a more appropriate manner. Family counseling may help improve your communication skills, and help all family members learn how to work together.

17. Work with your youngster to identify alternative behavioral options. Ask her if there are other ways she could have handled the situation, and talk about how to use those alternative responses (at a time when she is calm, of course).

18. Show consistent, unconditional love and acceptance for your youngster — even in the face of difficult and disruptive circumstances. Staying calm and rational during stressful encounters can be tough for even the most patient mom or dad.

19. Work with your spouse/ partner to ensure consistent and appropriate disciplinary methods. Also, enlist the support of teachers, coaches, and other adults who spend time with your youngster.

20. If the strategies listed above do not bring significant improvement in your child’s behavior, then consult with a physician and/or therapist. Medical issues (e.g., ADHD, allergies, diabetes, exposure to toxins, hypoglycemia, nutritional deficits, etc.) can contribute to verbal and physical aggression. Likewise, a psychological evaluation can expose issues that may contribute to persistent vindictiveness (e.g., neurological and psychiatric illnesses, emotional distress, depression, anxiety, etc.).

Although many parenting strategies may seem like common sense, learning to use them in the face of opposition is tough – especially if there are other anxiety-producing factors in the home. Learning the skills listed above will require consistent practice and patience.


Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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False Dilemma: A Thinking Error in Kids on the Spectrum

A false dilemma means seeing the world only in terms of extremes (e.g., if things aren't "perfect," then they must be "horrible").


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Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

Click here to read the full article…

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Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

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Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

Click here to read the full article…

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Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

Click here to read the full article…

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Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Click here to read the full article...

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Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...
 
   
 
More resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 


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The Role of Environment in the Psychiatric Difficulties of Kids on the Spectrum

In a multitude of ways, the environment affects children with Asperger’s and high-functioning autism (HFA), and is a major factor that influences the severity of comorbid psychiatric disorders (e.g., anxiety, depression, OCD, bipolar disorder, ADHD, Tourette Syndrome, personality disorders, ODD, etc.).

Undeniably, the varied expression of psychiatric problems in kids with Asperger’s and HFA is directly related to environmental factors, which suggests the opportunity for planning various interventions. For example, family and daily routines should be considered as environmental factors that can lead to exacerbation (i.e., an increase in severity) or amelioration (i.e., a decrease in severity) of comorbid disorders.



The challenge of understanding the special needs of Asperger’s and HFA kids, and the problems associated with building a close relationship with them, often contributes to increased stress in their moms and dads. Parents of kids on the autism spectrum have been shown to have a reduced sense of happiness and security, and tend to display a general lower quality of life – even in comparison with parents of kids with other disorders (e.g., cerebral palsy or mental retardation). Furthermore, moms were found to experience a higher level of stress than dads, and this higher stress is often related to unusual behavioral traits of the youngster (e.g., hyperactivity, conduct problems, etc.).

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism


Other research reports elevated rates of anxiety-related personality traits among the relatives (e.g., siblings, grandparents, etc.) of kids on the spectrum. Moreover, elevated anxiety levels in the moms and dads of these young people can be considered an important environmental factor that can trigger genetically-determined personality traits that are eventually shared with other family members and constitute a genetic family-loading for psychiatric disorders.

The importance of environmental factors in the expression of psychiatric symptoms was investigated in a sample of young people with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), including children with Asperger’s and their siblings, with an evaluation reported independently by parents and educators. Reports by educators showed a much lower prevalence of comorbidity in these children (in particular for somatic, oppositional, conduct, attention, anxiety, and affective problems) as compared to the reports by their moms and dads. These results support the idea that the expression of psychiatric problems in kids with Asperger’s varies depending on the environmental context, and that their identification depends on the type of observer (in this case, teacher versus parent).

There is often a lack of consensus between the reports of parents and educators regarding the behavioral characteristics of kids with Asperger’s and HFA, hence suggesting that caution should be used when making conclusions about the presence of comorbid psychiatric difficulties based simply on the environmental context or a single informant source. Instead, information should be gathered from multiple sources and settings, including direct observation by therapists.

The problems that the youngster experiences in terms of social relationships are even greater outside of the home environment (e.g., school, church, scouts, etc.). The lack of adequate teacher-parent communication, coordination among social service providers, and social support often leaves the parents alone with the burden of providing a more intensive level of care and any additional support.

Unfortunately, schools are not always equipped to deal with the unique needs of the Asperger’s or HFA student, and this often drives him or her to develop feelings of low self-esteem, sadness, and self-blame, which often leads to other problems (e.g., meltdowns, depression, hyperactivity, conduct problems, etc.).

Research has also reported that negative events (e.g., parental discord, frequent changes of own residence, death of a family member, etc.) have significant influence on the youngster’s mood and functioning – and have been associated with clinical depression. These children tend to react to negative life events more severely (and in a different way) than “typical” children do. HFA students are also more vulnerable to developing mood disorders and depressive symptoms than other children (which may be correlated to a genetic predisposition).

Since environmental factors appear to substantially influence the expression of psychiatric comorbidities in children on the spectrum, more attention should be focused on the interactions between these children and their diverse everyday life events. Parents, teachers, and professionals can develop coping strategies and provide a better social support that may contribute to a decrease in the incidence of psychiatric disorders in Asperger’s children.

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism


There are numerous accommodations that parents can make to help their child cope effectively with his or her environment. Here are just a few:
  1. Allow more time to complete chores, homework, etc.
  2. Avoid being critical and negative toward your youngster.
  3. Avoid over-scheduling him and allow him free time to play, read, listen to music, or just relax.
  4. Avoid placing unrealistic expectations on your child.
  5. Break tasks down into a few small steps (no more than 5) that can be completed one at a time so that your youngster does not feel overwhelmed with the task. For example, “It’s time to clean your room. So, put your clean clothes in this drawer. Pick up your dirty clothes off the floor and put them in this laundry basket. Then take the basket to the laundry room.”
  6. Create a special signal (e.g., tapping the tip of your nose) that you can use with your youngster to redirect his attention back to what you are saying whenever necessary.
  7. Demonstrate active interest in your youngster’s school progress and support her with her learning and homework.
  8. Encourage physical activity and healthy eating habits.
  9. Have a crisis plan in place in the case of meltdowns (e.g., due to your child’s sensory sensitivities, due to his inability to cope or interact with siblings, etc.). This plan may include providing a quiet place for your youngster to go when needed.
  10. Help build your youngster’s sense of self-worth by recognizing his achievements.
  11. Listen to your youngster and encourage him to talk about his feelings and worries.           
  12. Manage your own stress, and be a positive role model.
  13. Monitor their youngster’s access to media and ensure she is aware of safe online practices.
  14. Prepare your child in advance for any changes in routine or other unexpected activities. For example, use this 3-stage warning: “In 15 minutes, we are going to the grocery store.” Then after 5 minutes have passed, repeat your instruction and say “In 10 minutes, we are going to the store.” Then after 5 minutes, say “We are leaving in 5 minutes.”
  15. Provide a written, predictable schedule of events (e.g., “On school days, you get dressed, brush your teeth, eat some breakfast, get your school bag, and then get on the bus”). Remember, Asperger’s kids thrive on routine.
  16. Regularly spend calm and relaxing time with your youngster.
  17. Set firm expectations regarding house rules. In many cases, Asperger’s kids may not want to follow a rule that holds no interest for them (e.g., “Be sure to wash your hands before you come to the dinner table”). It is important for parents to establish and maintain control – even when their child has an Autism Spectrum Disorder.
  18. Show active interest in your youngster’s activities and hobbies, and participate when possible.
  19. Support your youngster if he is exposed to bullying.
  20. Use less verbal instruction, and replace it with visual instruction. For example, use drawings, pictures, or other images to create a “chores chart” or a “house-rules chart.”
  21. Use positive reinforcement for good behavior as often as possible!

When environmental stress becomes too much to handle, the youngster can develop a range of physical, emotional or behavioral symptoms, and can even be at risk of developing other mental health problems. Also, he may find it difficult to recognize and verbalize when he is experiencing stress. Thus, it is important for moms and dads to teach their “special needs” child to recognize and express his emotions, and to use healthy ways to cope effectively with the environment.

More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

 ==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

 ==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

 ==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook



==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism
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Crucial Strategies for Parents of Challenging Kids on the Autism Spectrum

    Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum :   ==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children ...