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Teaching Interpersonal Relationship Skills to the "Friendless" Child on the Autism Spectrum

One of the most significant problems for children with Asperger’s (AS) and High Functioning Autism (HFA) is difficulty in social interaction. AS and HFA also create problems with "mind reading" (i.e., knowing what another person might be thinking or feeling).

Most young people can observe others and guess (through a combination of tone and body language) what's "really" going on. But without help and training, AS and HFA children can't.

What comes naturally to “typical” kids does not come naturally to kids on the autism spectrum. The lack of interpersonal relationship skills makes it difficult for these boys and girls to make and keep friends – and often leads to social isolation. Now for the good news: Parents can learn to teach interpersonal relationship skills to their “special needs” youngsters.

Indicators That Your Child Needs Social Skills Training 



Here are some concrete ways to give AS and HFA children the tools they need to interact appropriately in social situations:

1. Practice reciprocal interactions. Some kids with AS and HFA have very one-sided conversations. They often talk only about their favorite subject, fail to ask questions to the peer they converse with, and fail to acknowledge interests of the peer. Thus, teach your youngster how to ask questions during a conversation, and practice taking turns while talking. Let your youngster ask a question, answer it, and let him ask another question. Do this exercise regularly to teach him how to have a conversation.

2. Rehearse social situations through role-play. If your youngster has difficulty in a specific social situation, practice it beforehand. Kids with AS and HFA must be taught what to say and do in specific situations. Engage in role-play with your youngster to physically act-out the situation. Tell him what he is expected to say or do, and then actually have him act it out with you.

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management

3. Consider involving your child in a skills-acquisition group. Relationship skills groups offer an opportunity for children with AS and HFA to practice their interpersonal skills with each other and/or “typical” peers on a regular basis.

4. Teachers can play a crucial role in teaching social skills to students on the autism spectrum. These skills need to be learned and understood well enough by the AS or HFA students to generalize them to outside situations beyond the classroom environment. Thus, to promote “skill generalization,” interventions should focus on orchestrating peer-involvement by prompting students to engage and initiate social interactions with classmates.

Teachers can also work with each individual student to practice new skills learned. Involving outside people (e.g., moms and dads, other family members, other classrooms) to promote different interactions can easily support this. Additionally, field trips can help provide natural and safe settings to practice interpersonal relationship skills outside of the classroom. Lastly, intervention sessions should be used to practice skills (e.g., assigning homework tasks) to increase repetition of training and ensure long-lasting learning.

5. Interpersonal relationship skills should not be a set of hard-and-fast rules. You can’t force AS or HFA kids to memorize them the way they would a set of multiplication tables. Different situations call for dynamic thinking. Thus, teach problem-solving and new ways to approach a particular challenge.



6. Parents can teach their youngsters how to recognize the feelings of others. Many kids with AS and HFA have great difficulty understanding how others feel by reading cues. This greatly impacts their social interactions. Therefore, use picture cards, books and magazines to point out facial expressions to your youngster. Teach her what each facial expression is and what it means. Let her practice by telling you what each facial expression is and what it means.

7. The biggest mistake parents can make is to assume that interpersonal relationship skills can be taught once and remembered forever. Social interaction is fluid, with so many variables that it can be daunting even to a “typical” youngster. For those on the spectrum, the training must continue far longer. Challenges get more and more complex as a youngster ages, bringing more things into the picture. So, be sure to go over the skills your child learned in the beginning on a regular basis, adding in more skills that can help her fine-tune her interactions.

8. Make use of “social skills training” materials. There are many tools and interventions available that involve using videos, software or virtual-reality programs to teach complex interpersonal relationship skills (e.g., recognition of emotions in facial expressions and tone of voice).

9. Make use of social stories. Social stories are simple stories written from the youngster's point of view. Each story describes a specific situation, what other people will do or say in that situation, and what your youngster is expected to do or say in that situation. Information on how to write social stories can be found HERE.

10. Locate resources in your area. Drama therapy, for example, is somewhat unusual, but where it's offered, it has the potential to be both fun and educational. Video modeling, video critiques of interactions, group therapy and other approaches may also be available in your area.

Training an AS or HFA youngster in relationship skills may take months – or even years. You may not see any improvement at first – but over time, it will happen. Stay the course, try new training methods, and be there for your youngster as he matures. Positive results will come if you keep at them.

Take into account the many facets of social interaction. Think about your youngster's strengths and weaknesses. Know his abilities as well as his language skills. With plenty of forethought, you can implement a good social skills training program for your child.

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management
By

How to Improve Your asd Child’s Chances of Finding and Keeping Friends

"My child is so desperate to find just one close friend. It breaks my heart when he tries so hard to make friends but eventually gets rejected. How do you teach friendship skills? How can I help?!"

For most children with ASD [High Functioning Autism], the most important part of a treatment strategy involves the development of communication and social competence.

This emphasis doesn’t reflect a societal pressure for conformity or an attempt to stifle individuality and uniqueness. Rather, it reflects the clinical fact that most children with ASD are not loners by choice, and that there is a tendency (as these young people develop towards adolescence) for despondency, negativism, and depression as a result of the child's increasing awareness of personal inadequacy in social situations and repeated experiences of failure to make and/or maintain relationships.

The typical limitations of insight and self-reflection experienced by children with ASD often preclude spontaneous self-adjustment to social and interpersonal demands. The practice of communication and social skills doesn’t imply the eventual acquisition of communicative or social spontaneity and naturalness; however; it does better prepare the child to cope with social and interpersonal expectations, thus enhancing their attractiveness as conversational partners or as potential friends.

The following are suggestions intended to foster relevant skills in this crucial area:

1. The child with ASD should be taught to monitor her or his own speech style in terms of:
  • adjusting depending on proximity to the listener
  • background noise
  • context and social situation
  • naturalness
  • number of people
  • rhythm
  • volume

2. The child should be helped to recognize and use a range of different means to disagree, discuss, interact, mediate, negotiate, and persuade through verbal means. In terms of formal properties of language, the child may benefit from help in thinking about idiomatic language that can only be understood in its own right, and practice in identifying them in both text and conversation.

It’s also important to help the child to develop the ability to anticipate multiple outcomes, to explain motivation, to make inferences, and to predict in order to increase the flexibility with which he or she thinks about - and uses language with - other people.

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management

3. The effort to develop the child's skills with peers in terms of managing social situations should be a priority. This should include:
  • ending topics appropriately
  • feeling comfortable with a range of topics that are typically discussed by same-age peers
  • shifting topics
  • the ability to expand and elaborate on a range of different topics initiated by others
  • topic management

4. Explicit verbal instructions on how to interpret other people's social behavior should be taught and exercised in a rote fashion. Facial and hand gestures, gaze, non-literal communications (e.g., sarcasm, metaphor, humor, figurative language and irony), the meaning of eye contact, tone of voice, and various inflections should all be taught in a fashion not unlike the teaching of a foreign language (i.e., all elements should be made verbally explicit and repeatedly drilled).



5. The same principles as described in #4 should guide the training of the child's expressive skills:
  • Self-monitoring techniques (e.g., practicing in front of a mirror, listening to the recorded speech, watching a video recorded behavior, etc.) should all be incorporated in this program.
  • Social situations contrived in the therapeutic setting that usually require reliance on visual-receptive and other nonverbal skills for interpretation should be used. Also, strategies for deciphering the most salient nonverbal dimensions inherent in these situations should be offered.
  • Encounters with unfamiliar people (e.g., making acquaintances) should be rehearsed until the child is made aware of the impact of her or his behavior on other people's reactions to her or him. 
  • Concrete situations should be exercised in a therapeutic setting and gradually implemented in naturally occurring situations.

As a final note, all those in close contact with the ASD child should be made aware of the program so that consistency, monitoring and contingent reinforcement are maximized.


Simple Ways To Teach Social Skills to Your Child 



==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD


 COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said... I have a 16 yr old son with aspergers. He has really come out of his shell this year. I attribute it a lot to the fact that we have talked alot about the positive aspects of aspergers, showing him all the greatly successful people with aspergers and we also got him a book for teens written by a women who has it. If you ever want to talk I'd be happy to share with you what has worked for us
•    Anonymous said... My son has aspergers and I have had such a hard time finding a therapist who has made a connection with him to help in any real way if you have any suggestions would love input.
•    Anonymous said... My son is almost 13 & we could use it here too!!!
•    Anonymous said... Our son has recently been diagnosed with HFA and this is exactly the sort of training he needs but have no idea where to turn to get him it. We try at home but it's difficult as he feels it more as a criticism of his current lack of skills rather than we're trying to help. I'm sure professional help would be so much better. As I say, I just don't know where to turn to access such support?
•    Anonymous said... would love to hear what's worked for your family! I have 14yr old boy in denial so can't mention it without him getting very defensive. He shows all the traits mentioned in the post! I have bought an ebook for teenage AS and I'm waiting for the next melt down. I will then open the bedroom door, throw it in, and take cover!!

Please post your comment below…
By

Behavior-Management Techniques for Children with High-Functioning Autism

"How can parents tell the difference between deliberate, defiant and manipulative behaviors - as opposed to symptoms of autism (high functioning in this case)."

Children with Asperger’s and High Functioning Autism (HFA) often exhibit different forms of challenging behavior. It is imperative that these behaviors are not seen as willful or malicious; more accurately, they should be viewed as connected to the child’s disorder and treated as such by means of insightful, therapeutic and educational strategies, rather than by inconsistent punishment or other disciplinary measures that imply the assumption of deliberate misbehavior.

Parents and teachers need to recognize the difficulties that the youngster with HFA brings to each situation as a result of his or her neurologically-based disorder. Among the common traits of this “special needs” child include the following:
  • A need for predictability and routine
  • A tendency to respond based on association and memory, which leads the youngster to repeat familiar behaviors even when they produce consistently negative results
  • An overly reactive sensory system that makes ordinary noise, smell or touch irritating or intolerable
  • Considerable difficulty organizing himself to do something productive in undirected play activities, in stimulating public situations, or when waiting
  • Emotional responses that are apt to be extreme and are often based on immediate events, leading to rapid changes (e.g., from laughing to screaming)
  • Lack of embarrassment or concern about other people's impressions of them
  • Limited ability to recognize another person's perspective or opinion or to empathize with others
  • Poor recognition of public versus private behavior
  • Problems shifting attention
  • Problems transitioning from one activity to another
  • Recovery from emotional upset is often immediate once the problem is removed, but for some kids on the spectrum, irritability and secondary upsets can continue for hours
  • Significant difficulties with understanding language, especially in group situations
     
Note: These traits are not the result of poor parenting or teaching. Also, they are not deliberate, willful or manipulative behaviors. They are simply common traits of kids with HFA.

==> Discipline for Defiant Asperger's and HFA Teens

Symptoms of Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism that Cause Behavioral Problems



Specific problem-solving strategies can be taught for handling the requirements of frequently occurring, problematic situations (e.g., involving novelty, intense social demands, frustration, etc.). Training is usually necessary for recognizing situations as problematic and for selecting the best available learned strategy to use in such situations.

The following steps will help parents and teachers implement behavioral management techniques for children and teens on the higher end of the autism spectrum:

Step #1: Prepare a list of frequent and challenging behaviors (e.g., perseverations, obsessions, interrupting, or any other disruptive behaviors). When listing these behaviors, it is important that they are specified in a hierarchy of priorities so that both parent and child can concentrate on a small number of truly troublesome behaviors.

Step #2: Create some specific interventions that help with the challenging behaviors whenever the behaviors arise. Here are just a few examples of appropriate interventions:



• Instructional intervention is used with a child who already wants to change his behavior, but simply doesn't know how. This is one of the easier behavior intervention strategies, because you simply need to tell the child what to do and how to do it. Once he has this information, he can change his behavior on his own.

• Positive reinforcement is a good behavior intervention technique, because it doesn't even recognize the negative behavior. To positively reinforce a child, you just tell her that she is doing a great job or otherwise reward her whenever she does the right thing. This creates a situation where she associates the right thing with a good outcome and has no such association with the wrong thing. This helps to positively change behavior without having to punish, yell or otherwise negatively reinforce behaviors.

• Negative reinforcement is the opposite of positive reinforcement. Rather than positively reinforce the correct behaviors, negative reinforcement reinforces the incorrect behaviors. This is good for more serious issues (e.g., if the youngster consistently climbs on the counter next to a pot of boiling water, you need to negatively reinforce that behavior immediately, because the consequences of knocking over the pot are so dire). Examples of negative reinforcement include stern words, loss of privileges and other forms of discipline.

• Supportive intervention is when the child needs help reinforcing a behavior. She may know it theoretically, but she may not always apply it as it is not yet internalized. So, supportive intervention is when the child is gently guided through positive and negative feedback. It is different from other forms of behavior intervention, because it has a specific spot in the behavior management cycle – specifically, after the behavior has been learned, but before it is consistently applied.

Step #3: Make sure that the interventions listed above are discussed with the HFA child in an explicit, rule-governed fashion so that clear expectations are set and consistency across adults, settings and situations is maintained.

Step #4: Help the child to make choices. Do not assume that he makes informed decisions based on his own set of elaborate likes and dislikes. Rather he should be helped to consider alternatives of action or choices, as well as their consequences (e.g., rewards and unhappiness) and associated emotions. The need for such an artificial set of guidelines is a result of the HFA child’s typical poor intuition and knowledge of self.
 
 ==> Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums in Asperger's and HFA Children

Additional behavior management strategies that are critical to the success of the HFA child include the following:

• Stick to a routine: This is necessary for both the youngster and the parent. A youngster with HFA thrives on routine. Being able to anticipate what comes next is soothing and satisfying. Routine lessens anxiety, and a less anxious youngster has fewer outbursts. Adhering to a schedule is a necessary behavior management tool. If the youngster is complacent with her schedule, it eliminates some behavior issues. Behavior management for kids on the autism spectrum is about anticipating what will cause unwanted behavior and eradicating those situations. Because of insufficient social skills, the youngster often has to memorize the rules of situational norms (e.g., eating in a restaurant, waiting in line, sharing with friends, etc.). Routine-based behavioral management techniques focus on the prevention of the negative behaviors that accompany an unstructured or weak routine.

• Encourage the child’s special interest: The HFA youngster will often have a very specific interest and obsess about it. Some moms and dads are apprehensive about encouraging this peculiar behavior, but it is actually a helpful coping technique. The youngster’s special interest can be used to encourage positive behavior (e.g., “If you share with your friend, we will go to the library and check out another book about dinosaurs”). However, don’t use the special interest as a disciplinary tool. Taking away the youngster’s “go-to coping skill” is denying him a form of self-imposed therapy.

• Issue rewards for positive behavior immediately: Kids on the autism spectrum are often unable to relate cause and effect, especially if a lot of time exists between the two. Thus, reinforcements should be given immediately. The youngster can’t relate a reward received at the end of the day to a behavior exhibited earlier in the afternoon. Also, rewards should be chosen carefully, and moms and dads need to follow through with the incentive (e.g., if stickers or other tokens are being used to encourage successful behavior, be sure that these rewards are readily available at all times – and in all settings).

• Use visual schedules: Kids on the autism spectrum crave structure, and visual schedules are helpful in creating order, clear choices and expectations. A visual schedule is a series of pictures that lists the day’s activities and choices (e.g., a morning schedule posted on the bathroom mirror can have pictures depicting the youngster brushing her teeth, washing her face, and getting dressed …or at breakfast, there may be a visual schedule showing meal options). Depending on the needs of the youngster, the schedule can illustrate more detail.


By

Dyspraxia in Kids on the Autism Spectrum

“My son with high functioning autism is nearly 5 years old and the problem is his clumsiness. I was always clumsy as a kid, which was blamed on my left-handedness, but his is extreme. Today he has dropped two drinks and spilt milk down himself. He is also left handed, but he is grown up for his age, seems very intelligent, and has no other health worries. Is this part of having AS …is it just a phase for his age …or could there be a neurological problem?”

Most children with Asperger’s (AS) and High-Functioning Autism (HFA) have a history of delayed acquisition of motor skills (e.g., hand writing, pedaling a bike, tying shoe laces, catching a ball, opening jars, climbing monkey-bars, etc.), which is called “motor clumsiness.” These young people are often visibly awkward, exhibiting rigid gait patterns, odd posture, poor manipulative skills, and significant deficits in visual-motor coordination. Although this presentation contrasts with the pattern of motor development in autistic kids (for whom the area of motor skills is often a relative strength), it is similar in some respects to what is observed in older people with autism.



Dyspraxia is a disorder that affects motor skill development. AS and HFA children with Dyspraxia have trouble planning and completing fine motor tasks. This can vary from simple motor tasks (e.g., waving goodbye) to more complex tasks (e.g., brushing teeth). Dyspraxia is a lifelong disorder, and its severity and symptoms can vary from child to child. Also, it can affect individuals differently at different stages of life. Dyspraxia can affect many basic functions required for daily living, and is often broken down into the following categories: 
  • Constructional Dyspraxia (i.e., establishing spatial relationships, being able to accurately position or move objects from one place to another)
  • Ideational Dyspraxia (i.e., multi-step tasks such as brushing teeth, making a bed, putting clothes on in order, buttoning and buckling)
  • Ideomotor Dyspraxia (i.e., completing single-step motor tasks like combing hair and waving goodbye)
  • Oromotor Dyspraxia (i.e., coordinating the muscle movements needed to pronounce words)

Dyspraxia often exists along with learning disabilities (e.g., dyslexia, dyscalculia, ADHD, and other conditions that impact learning). Weaknesses in comprehension, information processing and listening can contribute to the difficulties experienced by children with Dyspraxia. These young people may also have low self-esteem, depression and other emotional and behavioral issues.

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

AS and HFA kids with Dyspraxia may experience several difficulties.

Younger kids have problems with:
  • Being sensitive to touch (e.g., being irritated by clothing on skin, hair brushing, nail-cutting, or teeth-brushing)
  • Bumping into things
  • Establishing left- or right- handedness
  • Learning to walk, jump, hop, skip and throw or catch a ball
  • Moving the eyes—instead, moving the whole head
  • Pronouncing words and being understood

School-aged kids have problems with:
  • Doing activities that require fine motor skills (e.g., holding a pencil, buttoning, cutting with scissors)
  • Making social connections due to speech challenges
  • Phobias and obsessive behavior
  • Playing sports, riding a bike and other activities requiring coordination
  • Poor pencil grip and letter formation and slow handwriting
  • Sensing direction
  • Speaking at a normal rate or in way that can be easily understood

Teens have problems with:
  • Clumsiness
  • Cooking or other household chores
  • Driving
  • Over- or under- sensitivity to light, touch, space, taste, or smells
  • Personal grooming and other self-help activities
  • Speech control (i.e., volume, pitch, articulation)
  • Writing and typing

Early identification and intervention can greatly help an AS or HFA child with Dyspraxia. Depending on the severity of the disorder, therapy from occupational, speech and physical therapists can improve the child's ability to function and succeed independently. The following therapies most commonly help these young people:
  • Speech and language therapy: The speech and language therapist will first carry out an assessment of the youngster's speech, and then help him communicate more effectively.
  • Perceptual motor training: This involves improving the youngster's language, visual, movement, and auditory skills. A series of tasks, which gradually becoming more advanced, are set. The goal is to challenge the youngster so that she improves, but not so much that it becomes frustrating or stressful.
  • Occupational therapy: An occupational therapist will first observe how the youngster manages with everyday functions both at home and at school. The therapist will then help the youngster develop skills specific to activities which may be troublesome.
  • Active play: Experts say that “active play” (i.e., any play that involves physical activity), which can be outdoors or inside the home, gets the motor activity going in AS and HFA kids. Play is a way these young people learn about the environment and about themselves (particularly for those aged 3 to 5). Active play is where the youngster's physical and emotional learning, the development of language, special awareness, the development of what his senses are, all come together. The more these kids are involved in active play, the better they will become at interacting with others successfully.
  • Equine therapy: A team researchers evaluated the effects of equine therapy (i.e., therapeutic horse-riding) on a group of 40 kids aged 6 to 15 years with Dyspraxia. These young people participated in six horse-riding sessions lasting 30 minutes each, as well as two 30-minute audiovisual screening sessions. The researchers found that riding therapy stimulated and improved the child’s cognition, mood and gait parameters. The data also pointed to the potential value of an audiovisual approach to equine therapy.
Problems with Handwriting in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism:
 

AS and HFA children with Dyspraxia need help practicing simple tasks. Beginning at an early age, it is vital that moms and dads offer patience, encouragement, help and support. These young people often benefit from step-by-step progress into more complex activities. You can start with easy physical activities that develop coordination, and then move on to the more complicated tasks.

Here are just a few ideas that will help you make daily life easier for your AS or HFA youngster:
  • Avoid tight neck holes
  • Baggy t-shirts and shorts are easy and comfortable
  • Buy trousers with an elasticated waist to save dealing with buttons and zips
  • Don't fill cups too full
  • Keep keys and purses on a long chain which clips to clothing
  • Keep to a daily routine
  • Lay out clothing layer by layer, underwear on top
  • Post-it notes stuck at eye-level on doors are useful reminders
  • Shirt collars one size larger are easier to fasten
  • Sit down to eat
  • Transparent purses and pencil cases are good for being able to see contents easily
  • Trousers with a pleat at the front make identifying the 'right way around' easier
  • Use a damp towel under plates to stop them moving
  • Use a flexible straw when drinking to prevent spills

 ==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

Here are a few activities designed to help your AS or HFA child practice and develop “fine” motor skills:
  • Artwork like drawing, painting, pasting, and cutting are wonderful motor skill exercises.
  • Cut out animal shapes, then punch holes around the edges and have your youngster thread yarn. 
  • Cutting skills should be practiced (e.g., cutting forward on a line and moving the paper with the guiding or non-cutting hand). 
  • Even scribbling will encourage handwriting later.
  • Fill an egg carton with little snacks (e.g., goldfish crackers, Hershey Kisses). 
  • Help your child develop the ability to color within the lines. 
  • Help her develop the ability to copy lines, circles and crosses, and trace diamonds or triangles. Help develop a tripod grasp or a mature pencil grip, taking the pencil between thumb and index finger and resting on the middle finger. 
  • Jigsaw puzzles and light brite help greatly with fine motor skills.
  • Legos! As far as simple fine motor skills activities go, they are very popular!
  • More advanced skills such as adept use of silverware or tying shoelaces should be practiced. 
  • Peel stickers off of a cookie sheet and stick them onto paper.
  • Picking up and laying down pennies is a great exercise.
  • Picking up and sorting beads with clothespins is a good challenge.
  • Play “Scatterpillar Scramble” (a game you can buy at Target or Walmart).
  • Play dough provides four different types of motor skill fundamentals: cutting, rolling, squeezing and stamping.
  • Practice skills such as tying shoes, fastening buttons, zipping and snapping clothing. 
  • Put thin dowels into Styrofoam and put beads on them! 
  • Stringing beads, or even better - cereal with holes is another wonderful exercise.
  • Tape paper under a coffee table or other low surface and have your child lay on his back and draw on the paper.
  • Teach increasingly sophisticated finger motor tasks like playing video games, completing puzzles, playing instruments, and typing on a computer keyboard.
  • Tongs are fun to grab pompoms and sort into different color bowls.
  • Try tearing strips of paper from old phone books (the paper is thin and generally tears in a straight line).
  • Using short pieces of chubby crayon encourages a natural grasp.
  • Using simple hand movements while listening to songs helps kids build fine motor skills.
  • Water play using eye droppers and colored water to explore with is fun.
  • Writing and drawing on vertical surfaces strengthens core and arm muscles as well as fingers.

Here are a few activities designed to help your AS or HFA child practice and develop “gross” motor skills:
  • Balancing (e.g., on a low beam or plank at the playground, or a homemade balance beam)
  • Building and navigating obstacle courses indoors (e.g., with furniture, pillows, boxes, blankets, etc.) or outdoors (e.g., with rocks, logs, playground equipment, etc.
  • Cooking (includes pouring, shaking, sprinkling, kneading, tearing, cutting with butter knife, etc.)
  • Dancing (e.g., freestyle or through songs with movements)
  • Finger plays (e.g., songs like "The Itsy Bitsy Spider")
  • Large-scale arts and crafts activities
  • Manipulative toys like blocks, puzzles, or dolls with clothes to take on and off
  • Marching, jogging, skipping, and hopping, or musical instruments to form a parade
  • Playing pretend (e.g., the child uses her body to become a waddling duck, stiff-legged robot, galloping horse, or a soaring plane) 
  • Playing tag or other classic backyard games (e.g., Follow the Leader, Red Light/Green Light, Tails, Simon Says, Duck Duck Goose, Musical Chairs, etc.)
  • Pulling or pushing wagons, large trucks, doll strollers, or shopping carts
  • Puppet shows
  • Riding tricycles, scooters, and other ride-on toys
  • Sand play
  • Sidewalk chalk or any art project
  • Swimming and other water play 
  • Swinging, sliding, and climbing at a playground or indoor play space
  • Throwing, catching, and rolling large lightweight soft balls

From the first days of life, kids begin using their bodies to learn about the world around them. Motor experiences are the basis for all intellectual functioning for approximately the first 2 years of life. As young people continue to mature, their reliance on physical interactions with people and objects remains strong. Motor skills are an essential component of development for all children.


By

Tantrums Versus Meltdowns - And How to Manage Both

 ~ Tantrums Versus Meltdowns


One of the most misunderstood Aspergers and High-Functioning Autistic (HFA) behaviors is the meltdown. Frequently, it is the result of some sort of overwhelming stimulation of which cause is often a mystery to moms and dads and teachers. They can come on suddenly and catch everyone by surprise. Aspergers and HFA kids tend to suffer from sensory overload issues that can create meltdowns. Kids who have neurological disorders other than autism spectrum disorders can suffer from meltdowns, too. Unlike tantrums, these kids are expressing a need to withdraw and slowly collect themselves at their own pace.

Kids who have tantrums are looking for attention. They have the ability to understand that they are trying to manipulate the behavior of the others, caregivers and/or peers. This perspective taking or "theory of mind" is totally foreign to the Aspergers or HFA youngster who has NO clue that others cannot "read" their mind or feelings innately. This inability to understand other human beings think different thoughts and have different perspectives from them is an eternal cause of frustration.





Tantrums—

A tantrum is very straightforward. A youngster does not get his or her own way and, as grandma would say, "pitches a fit." This is not to discount the tantrum. They are not fun for anyone. Tantrums have several qualities that distinguish them from meltdowns.
  • A youngster having a tantrum will look occasionally to see if his or her behavior is getting a reaction.
  • A youngster in the middle of a tantrum will take precautions to be sure they won't get hurt.
  • A youngster who throws a tantrum will attempt to use the social situation to his or her benefit.
  • A tantrum is thrown to achieve a specific goal and once the goal is met, things return to normal.
  • A tantrum will give you the feeling that the youngster is in control, although he would like you to think he is not.
  • When the situation is resolved, the tantrum will end as suddenly as it began.


If you feel like you are being manipulated by a tantrum, you are right. You are. A tantrum is nothing more than a power play by a person not mature enough to play a subtle game of internal politics. Hold your ground and remember who is in charge.

A tantrum in a youngster who is not on the autism spectrum is simple to handle. Moms and dads simply ignore the behavior and refuse to give the youngster what he is demanding. Tantrums usually result when a youngster makes a request to have or do something that the parent denies. Upon hearing the parent's "no," the tantrum is used as a last-ditch effort.

The qualities of a tantrum vary from child to child When kids decide this is the way they are going to handle a given situation, each youngster's style will dictate how the tantrum appears. Some kids will throw themselves on the floor, screaming and kicking. Others will hold their breath, thinking that his "threat" on their life will cause moms and dads to bend. Some kids will be extremely vocal and repeatedly yell, "I hate you," for the world to hear. A few kids will attempt bribery or blackmail, and although these are quieter methods, this is just as much of a tantrum as screaming. Of course, there are the very few kids who pull out all the stops and use all the methods in a tantrum.

Effective parenting -- whether a youngster has an autism spectrum disorder or not -- is learning that you are in control, not the youngster. This is not a popularity contest. You are not there to wait on your youngster and indulge her every whim. Buying her every toy she wants isn't going to make her any happier than if you say no. There is no easy way out of this parenting experience. Sometimes you just have to dig in and let the tantrum roar.

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Meltdowns—

If the tantrum is straightforward, the meltdown is every known form of manipulation, anger, and loss of control that the youngster can muster up to demonstrate. The problem is that the loss of control soon overtakes the youngster. He needs you to recognize this behavior and rein him back in, as he is unable to do so. A youngster in the middle of a meltdown desperately needs help to gain control.
  • A youngster in a meltdown has no interest or involvement in the social situation.
  • A youngster in the middle of a meltdown does not consider her own safety.
  • A meltdown conveys the feeling that no one is in control.
  • A meltdown usually occurs because a specific want has not been permitted and after that point has been reached, nothing can satisfy the youngster until the situation is over.
  • During a meltdown, a youngster on the spectrum does not look, nor care, if those around him are reacting to his behavior.
  • Meltdowns will usually continue as though they are moving under their own power and wind down slowly.

Unlike tantrums, meltdowns can leave even experienced moms and dads at their wit's end, unsure of what to do. When you think of a tantrum, the classic image of a youngster lying on the floor with kicking feet, swinging arms, and a lot of screaming is probably what comes to mind. This is not even close to a meltdown. A meltdown is best defined by saying it is a total loss of behavioral control. It is loud, risky at times, frustrating, and exhausting.

Meltdowns may be preceded by "silent seizures." This is not always the case, so don't panic, but observe your youngster after she begins experiencing meltdowns. Does the meltdown have a brief period before onset where your youngster "spaces out"? Does she seem like she had a few minutes of time when she was totally uninvolved with her environment? If you notice this trend, speak to your physician. This may be the only manifestation of a seizure that you will be aware of.

When your youngster launches into a meltdown, remove him from any areas that could harm him or he could harm. Glass shelving and doors may become the target of an angry foot, and avoiding injury is the top priority during a meltdown.

Another cause of a meltdown can be other health issues. One example is a youngster who suffers from migraines. A migraine may hit a youngster suddenly, and the pain is so totally debilitating that his behavior may spiral downward quickly, resulting in a meltdown. Watch for telltale signs such as sensitivity to light, holding the head, and being unusually sensitive to sound. If a youngster has other health conditions, and having Aspergers of HFA does not preclude this possibility, behavior will be affected.

Behaviors That Should Not Be Punished Because They Are Part of the Disorder:

 

~ Managing Tantrums

Temper tantrums range from whining and crying to screaming, kicking, hitting, and breath holding. Aspergers and HFA kid's temperaments vary dramatically, so some  may experience regular temper tantrums, whereas others have them rarely. They're a normal part of development and don't have to be seen as something negative. However, unlike “typical” children, kids on the autism spectrum don't have the same inhibitions or control.

Imagine how it feels when you're determined to program your DVD player and aren't able to do it no matter how hard you try, because you can't understand how. It's very frustrating! Do you swear, throw the manual, walk away and slam the door on your way out? That's the grown-up version of a temper tantrum. Young people on the autism spectrum are also trying to master their world, and when they aren't able to accomplish a task, they turn to one of the only tools at their disposal for venting frustration — a temper tantrum.

Several basic causes of temper tantrums are familiar to mothers and fathers everywhere: The youngster is seeking attention or is tired, hungry, or uncomfortable. In addition, temper tantrums are often the result of the child's frustration with the world. They can't get something (e.g., an object or a parent) to do what they want. Frustration is an unavoidable part of their lives as they learn how people, objects, and their own bodies work.

Temper tantrums are common during the second year of life for all kids. This is a time when kids are acquiring language. However, children with Aspergers and HFA generally understand more than they can express. Imagine not being able to communicate your needs to someone. That would be a frustrating experience that may precipitate a temper tantrum. As language skills improve, temper tantrums tend to decrease.

Another task that all kids are faced with is an increasing need for autonomy. However, even though Aspergers and HFA kids want a sense of independence and control over the environment, this may be more than they may be capable of handling. This creates the perfect condition for power struggles as the youngster thinks "I can do it myself" or "I want it, give it to me." When these "special needs" children discover that they can't do it or can't have everything they want, the stage is set for a temper tantrum.

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Aspergers and HFA

Avoiding Temper Tantrums—

The best way to deal with temper tantrums is to avoid them in the first place, whenever possible. Here are some strategies that may help:

1. Aspergers and HFA kids are more likely to use temper tantrums to get their way if they've learned that this behavior works. Once the young people are school age, it's appropriate to send them to their rooms to cool off. Rather than setting a specific time limit, mothers and fathers can tell them to stay in the room “until they've regained control.” This option is empowering, because these kids can affect the outcome by their own actions, thereby gaining a sense of control that was lost during the temper tantrum.

2. Young people on the spectrum have fairly rudimentary reasoning skills, so you aren't likely to get very far with explanations. If the temper tantrum poses no threat to your youngster or others, then ignoring the outburst may be the best way to handle it.  Continue your activities, and pay no attention to your youngster – but remain within sight. Don't leave him or her alone, otherwise he or she may feel abandoned on top of all of the other uncontrollable emotions.

3. They may be especially vulnerable AFTER a temper tantrum when they know they've been less than adorable. Now is the time for a hug and reassurance that your youngster is loved, no matter what.

4. Those who are in danger of hurting themselves or others during a temper tantrum should be taken to a quiet, safe place to calm down. This also applies to temper tantrums in public places.

5. Consider the request carefully when your youngster wants something. Is it outrageous? Maybe it isn't. Choose your battles carefully, and accommodate when you can.

6. Distract your youngster. Take advantage of your child's short attention span by offering a replacement for the coveted object or beginning a new activity to replace the frustrating or forbidden one. Also, you can simply change the environment. Take your youngster outside or inside or move to a different room.

7. If a safety issue is involved, and the youngster repeats the forbidden behavior after being told to stop, use a time-out or hold the youngster firmly for several minutes. Be consistent. Aspergers and HFA kids must understand that you are inflexible on safety issues.

8. Keep off-limits objects out of sight and out of reach to make struggles less likely to develop over them. Obviously, this isn't always possible, especially outside of the home where the environment can't be controlled.

9. Know your youngster's limits. If you know he or she is tired, it's not the best time to go grocery shopping or try to squeeze in one more errand.

10. Make sure your youngster isn't acting-out simply because he or she isn't getting enough attention. To an youngster with an autism spectrum disorder, negative attention (a parent's response to a temper tantrum) is better than no attention at all. Try to establish a habit of catching your youngster being good ("time in"), which means rewarding him or her with attention for positive behavior.

11. Occasionally, an autistic youngster will have a hard time stopping a temper tantrum. In these cases, it might help to say to say, "I'll help you settle down now." But, do not reward your youngster after a temper tantrum by giving in. This will only prove to him or her that the temper tantrum was effective. Instead, verbally praise the youngster for regaining control.

12. Set the stage for success when your son or daughter is playing or trying to master a new task. Offer age-appropriate toys and games. Also, start with something simple before moving on to more challenging tasks.

13. Temper tantrums should be handled differently depending on the cause. Try to understand where your youngster is coming from. For example, if he or she has just had a great disappointment, you may need to provide comfort. If he or she is simply a sore loser at games and hits a playmate, then you may to provide a consequence.

14. The most important thing to keep in mind when you're faced with a boy or girl in the throes of a temper tantrum – no matter what the cause – is simple yet very important: Keep your cool. Don't complicate the problem with your own frustration. Young people on the spectrum can sense when mothers and fathers are becoming frustrated. This can just make their frustration worse, and you may have a more exaggerated temper tantrum on your hands. Instead, take deep breaths and try to think clearly.

15. Try to give your "special needs" child some control over little things. This may fulfill the need for independence and ward off temper tantrums. Offer minor choices, for example, "Do you want orange juice or apple juice?" or "Do you want to brush your teeth before or after taking a bath?" This way, you aren't asking "Do you want to brush your teeth now?" …which inevitably will be answered "no."

16. Your youngster relies on you to be the example. Smacking and spanking don't help. Physical tactics send the message that using force and physical punishment is acceptable. Instead, have enough self-control for both of you.

17. You should consult your child’s pediatrician if any of the following occur:
  • tantrums arouse a lot of bad feelings
  • tantrums increase in frequency, intensity, or duration
  • you keep giving into your child’s demands
  • he displays mood issues (e.g., negativity, low self-esteem, extreme dependence)
  • your youngster frequently hurts himself/herself or others
  • she is destructive
  • you're uncomfortable with your responses to the child's tantrums

Your doctor can also check for any physical problems that may be contributing to the tantrums (e.g., hearing or vision problems, chronic illness, language delays, learning disability, etc.).

Remember, temper tantrums usually aren't cause for concern and generally diminish on their own. As Aspergers and HFA kids mature developmentally, and their grasp of themselves and the world increases, their frustration levels decrease. Less frustration and more control mean fewer temper tantrums — and happier mothers and fathers.

The Top 20 Triggers for Meltdowns in Kids on the Autism Spectrum:

 

~ Managing Meltdowns

When it comes to parenting a child with an Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), there are a few scenarios that are fertile ground for meltdowns. Some examples include (but are definitely not limited to):
  • all afternoon shopping trips
  • an endless car ride
  • long wait at the doctor's office
  • slow service at a restaurant
  • too many homework problems

These are moments where a meltdown is coming on fast, but can still be diverted. These are the times when moms and dads need “diversion tactics” (i.e., a supply of items and ideas that can fill a moment or turn a head).

While diversion tactics come in handy with any youngster, it's particularly imperative for kids with an Autism Spectrum Disorder who are often significantly less able to amuse themselves, negotiate transitions, or avoid meltdowns. A parent needs to be quick, versatile, creative, and resourceful to keep things running smoothly. Planning ahead can help.

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Aspergers and HFA

Here's how to make sure you always have plenty of tricks in your bag:

1. Your diversion tactics should do one of these (and preferably more than one): Soothe, Entertain, and Distract. They must be deployable at a moment's notice, especially in stressful situations. The space of time between the need for soothing, entertainment and distraction, and the onset of complete disaster can be brutally short.

2. Some of the tactics in your “diversion kit” will be actual items (i.e., things you keep in your purse or pockets for emergencies). It doesn't hurt to have some on hand at all times (that's why most of these are small) and then to load up with extras when you know you might need them. Some possibilities (depending on the age of your ASD child) include:

• Animal crackers
• Coins
• Crayons/coloring book
• Deck of cards
• Dice
• Doll
• Fidget toys
• Finger puppets
• Flash cards
• Hard candy
• iPad
• iPhone
• iPod
• Keys
• Little notepad and pen
• Magnetic travel game
• Photos
• Pretzels
• Puzzle book
• Raisins
• Small storybook
• Stickers
• Toy cars

3. Some of the tactics in your “diversion kit” will be ideas that you can implement without any need for props. You may have to go through a few before you find one your ASD youngster will run with, so keep a list if you can't keep them all in your head. Some possibilities include:
  • 20 Questions
  • A is for ..., B is for ...
  • Blowing a raspberry on his or her arm
  • Clapping games
  • Getting a drink from a water fountain
  • Hide something in fist -- guess which hand?
  • I Spy
  • Let youngster choose what to do next
  • Looking out window
  • Math facts
  • Play with youngster's hair
  • Pushing hard against each other's hands
  • Rock-paper-scissors
  • Saying something silly
  • Taking a walk
  • Tell me three things you did today
  • Tickling
  • What color am I looking at?
  • Whispering secrets
  • Word games where each person adds an item, alphabetically, and the next person must remember the whole string of words

Putting together a good list of diversion tactics is one thing, maintaining it is another. As your ASD youngster gets older, changes interests, gets bored with some things and taken by others, you'll want to keep changing and replenishing the tactics in your "diversion kit." Remember, the objects don't have to be big, they don't have to be fancy, and they only have to be able to run your youngster past a bit of boredom, anxiety, or a little rough behavioral spot. But they do have to soothe, entertain, and distract.

Note: If you only have a couple diversion tactics, they can fade with overuse. The more tactics you've got in your “bag of tricks,” the better.

 
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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Preventing Punishment-Related Meltdowns in Kids on the Autism Spectrum

“Are there methods to prevent meltdowns associated with receiving a consequence for misbehavior? When our high functioning (autistic) daughter knows she is going to be punished, it quickly escalates into meltdown, which by then is much too late to intervene.”

Yes, there are some prevention methods (emphasis on “prevent”). The first and most important consideration is to think in terms of “prevention” rather than “intervention.” Once a meltdown is underway, it usually has to run its course (i.e., it's too late to intervene at that point). So, the best approach is to educate yourself on how to put the fires out while they are still small.

Here are some ideas for using prevention strategies to curb punishment-related meltdowns before that start:

1. Both home and in school, develop a daily routine so that your daughter knows what she is doing and when. Posting the schedule and reviewing it when your daughter becomes "stuck" can provide the necessary prompt to move on.

Compliance is not a struggle between you and your daughter, but rather simply a matter of following the schedule. She will view the schedule as a guide. The guide will serve to decrease anxiety, which in turn decreases meltdowns and tantrums.

2. Expectations (e.g., rules, rewards, consequences, etc.) should be visually available. These must be clearly described to your daughter. Also, use charts with stickers or stars to keep track of reward systems. Use the letters of your daughter's name placed on a chart to keep track of consequences. Throughout the day, if letters have been received, they can slowly be erased for positive responding.



This provides a wonderful visual response for appropriate behaviors, and you can deliver this feedback (depending on your daughter's needs) every ten minutes, fifteen minutes . . . two hours – you decide what works best.

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Asperger's and HFA Children

3. Reinforcers will need to be very individualized, because young people on the autism spectrum often do not respond to “typical” reinforcers. Be well aware of what your daughter views as a reward. Incorporating obsessions into a reinforcement system is an appropriate way of offering a strong reinforcer and of also controlling access to an obsession.

Make sure your daughter is aware of how the reward/consequence system works. Natural consequences can also be highly effective and will remove the "giving" or "denying" of the reward from you. Favored activities should follow less favored or challenging activities.

4. The physical environment must be consistent. In all locations, identify consistent areas where specific activities are completed (e.g., that homework is always completed at the desk in her bedroom or at the kitchen table). These areas/activities should also have consistent behavioral expectations, which are explained to your daughter.

Identify clear physical boundaries (e.g., planned seating arrangement in school, a planned play area at home). Also, use consistent materials that are clearly marked and accessible (e.g., toys that are within easy reach and stored in or right by the area they will be used in).

5. Your relationship with your daughter should be consistent in both word and action. She needs to see you as a predictable person who is calm and in control. Being "easy" or giving your daughter a "break" will thwart your effectiveness. Make rules and stick to them. Make requests and follow through. Don't make second requests, and don't plead. Your interactions must be stable, allowing your daughter to anticipate how she will respond.

She must see you as someone who can help her understand the world around her. Be highly organized and pay attention to details as you create a structured environment for your daughter. However, be sure to remain flexible within this structure. In this way, you will provide the structure your daughter needs to learn to be flexible, thus decreasing the possibility of meltdowns and tantrums.


The 3 Phases of a Meltdown in Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism:




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Isolation in Teens with ASD Level 1: Antisocial Behavior or Self-Preservation?

“Should we be concerned about our 14 year old (high functioning) son’s lack of social interaction and his time spent sitting at home mostly just on his phone.   He refused to play a school sport and is resistant to joining any clubs or volunteering.   Besides the times he is doing things with his dad and the occasional skateboarding, he is mostly just hiding in his room.”

As long as your son doesn’t appear to be depressed, then it would be best to drop it. One thing you need to understand about young people on the autism spectrum is that their “isolation” (i.e., spending lots of time alone) has more to do with self-preservation than being “antisocial.” Let me use the following analogy:

Think of children as having their own internal batteries. Most neurotypical children (i.e., those not on the spectrum) get their batteries recharged by associating with peers. When they are home by themselves for any length of time, they get bored and lonely. In other words, their batteries become run down and need recharging. So, they get out of the house and go find their friends to get recharged.

This situation works the opposite way for most children on the autism spectrum. When they find themselves in social situations – especially for lengthy periods of time in group settings (e.g., school) – their batteries run down. When they are out in the community, they have difficulty paying attention to what others are doing, what others are saying, how they are supposed to respond to others – all the things that keep them from engaging in their special interest (e.g., computer games).

==> Discipline for Defiant Aspergers & High-Functioning Autistic Teens

Having to tread water in the ocean of social contacts is exhausting for these children. In other words, it totally runs their batteries down. So, they hibernate, disengage, and find time to be alone to engross themselves in their special interest as a way to recharge.



Young people with ASD level 1, or High-Functioning Autism, can become anxious when drained of energy from non-desired activities and lengthy social interactions. Thus, time alone to engage in their special interest is a must – and they shouldn’t be made to feel guilty or feel pressured into doing something else instead (unless they are refusing to do their chores or homework, for example). In addition to distracting themselves with their interests, they use “alone time” to calm down and reflect, which helps them to deal with people, tasks and sensory sensitivities much easier.

A child with autism is not necessarily a person who is shy, rather he is a person who is energized by being alone and whose energy is drained by being around other people. The teenager is more concerned with the inner world of the mind. He enjoys thinking, exploring his thoughts and feelings. This is true even if he has good social skills.

Also, when the child on the spectrum wants to be alone, it is not necessarily a sign of depression, rather it means he either needs to recharge his battery, or simply wants the time to be quietly introspective. Being introspective, though, does not mean that he never has conversations; however, those conversations are generally about facts, ideas and concepts – not about what he considers the trivial matters of social small talk.

Even though children and teens on the autism spectrum feel “drained” by social interaction, they feel “energized” by the conversations in their heads.  They dislike interruptions, like to work on complex projects, need to understand why they are doing something, and require silence to concentrate – all of which makes them seem aloof.

These young people are literally physiologically incapable of socializing for extended periods of time, and accordingly, parents should never attempt to “force” their ASD child to be more social (teaching social skills is a constructive manner is certainly necessary though).

==> Discipline for Defiant Aspergers & High-Functioning Autistic Teens

When interacting with an autistic child, parents and teachers should consider the following:
  • Work with the child to find a compromise. Forcing her to be more social will backfire. So strike some compromises. Usually, if you give her some down time, she’s good for a couple social events each day (e.g., school, girl scouts, or karate class).
  • Let the child recharge. If you’re dealing with a youngster on the autism spectrum and you’re planning one activity after another – it’s going to be torture (e.g., do homework, then do chores, then go shopping, then...). The ASD child is like that old iPhone you’ve got that needs to be recharged several times per day. In the child’s mind, he’s running a lot of applications.
  • Forget the small talk. Mostly, the child lives in her mind, and she thinks about why things happen, or she daydreams. Shallow conversations (e.g., about what happened at school today) are painful. She doesn’t want to have conversations that aren’t going somewhere. Instead, she wants to talk about her passions. So, if you want to engage your otherwise solitary child, talk about her special interests.
  • Give the child some space. He doesn’t want to be mobbed when he gets to his place of security, or for that matter, anywhere else. He wants to transition and get comfortable and then engage. For example, when an ASD child comes home from a long, stressful day at school and is charged with some responsibility immediately – social or otherwise – it’s tough. Give him 30-45 minutes to transition, and you’ll likely avert a meltdown.
  • When possible, provide one-on-one attention rather than insisting on the child’s participation in groups. The child will generally cope much better if he only has to deal with one person at a time.

In summary, your son is literally taking care of himself when he relieves himself from “social-duty” by sitting at home and on his phone. Make sense? Rethink this issue. Put it in the “don’t fight this battle” category. But at the appropriate times, do teach him some pertinent social skills, because he does need to learn how to function in society.

==> Read parents' comments based on the article above.


Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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COMMENTS:
  • This is my son. He has no interest at all in being social and does not care what others think. We know he has anxiety, but he's also been diagnosed with depression. I just can't see that - how do I know what is just the autism (not wanting to be with people, saying things in the middle of a fit and not wanting to groom himself) with real depression?
  • This is my son to a T. No interest in being social, doesn't want friends, would rather be on his own at all times. However, when is this a sign of depression, as opposed to just the autism manifesting itself? We know our son has anxiety, but he's also been diagnosed with depression, which I just don't get or see at all. It was based on him being anti-social, saying things when he gets upset that he doesn't really mean, and never wanting to groom himself (he's 13).
  • Where was this post when my son was 7? Or 12? Or 17 even? My son is 20...is awsy at college (YEAH!) But when I call him he's most likely sitting in his dorm watching his phone. He did join clubs because of HIS interests. But seriously this is my son exactly. Oh and he likes to cook. Which is a solitary activity also. Small talk is excruciating! But get him on a subject he likes and He'll ramble on without taking a breath.
  • My son's 18 and wants to be accepted in the group but sits on the fringes near someone he knows because he doesn't have the confidence to join in. While he does need his solitary thinking time, he doesn't like to be alone. When he was alone, he had a breakdown and was hospitalized because he was so depressed and lonely. Parents, please keep looking at what your son likes or might like, and get him involved in his interests further. It is only then he will have a fighting chance at opening up with like-minded people. And I don't know why everyone thinks Asperger boys desire computer games and robotics and are happy playing alone on these for hours. It may be true for some, but please stop with this stereotype. My son plays video games rarely and would rather play a board game with others or ask questions about some subject you would never think of, odd things, but it interests him so I play along. He definitely knows when he's mentally overloaded after school and lets me know so I am nearby but not asking him to talk or do something.
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