Aspergers Teens and Computer Game Addiction

Question

I have a 14 year old daughter who was diagnosed with Aspergers. She is currently attending a special needs school. Her main interest is to play games on the computer. She will get onto one of the Internet Multi Player Games and will not want to get off. We have implemented a timer program which only gives her a finite time that she can use the computer before it tells her that the time is up. Once the time is up she then asks us for more time. If we do not give her more time, she blows up into a fit of rage and may throw things or break things or physically bang her head into objects. We worry about our safety and hers when she does not get what she wants. How should we as parents react to this??

Answer

The short answer is download the My Aspergers Child eBook, because all the help you'll need in dealing with your daughter's rage will be addressed there.

The long answer is as follows...

Here are some symptoms or signs of video game addiction as well as computer game addiction to help determine if your Aspergers kids are addicted to computer games:

• Choosing the computer or playing video games rather than spending time with friends or family
• Difficulty keeping up with personal responsibilities due to increased hours playing computer games
• Dropping out of activities such as social groups, clubs or sports
• Fatigue; tendency to fall asleep in school
• Irritable, cranky or agitated (withdrawal symptoms) when not playing a video game or on the computer
• Lying about computer or video game use so computer or video game privileges aren’t taken away
• Lying to others about computer or video game use
• Most of their “free time” (non-school hours) are spent on the computer or playing video games
• Neglecting personal relationships with friends and family to spend more time playing computer games
• Not keeping up with homework assignments/not turning in homework on time
• Obsession or preoccupation about computer games or playing video games on a video game console excessively
• Worsening grades

Here is a self-test the Aspergers child can take to determine the level of game addiction:

1. Do you become so involved in playing computer games that you sometimes neglect to eat, sleep, or bathe?
2. Do you ever experience physical symptoms such as backaches, dry eyes or headaches after playing computer games?
3. Do you experience withdrawal symptoms when not playing computer games?
4. Do you sneak time to play games, perhaps late at night while others are asleep?
5. Do you spend most of your time thinking or wishing you could be playing your favorite game or surfing the web?
6. Has someone close to you, perhaps your significant other, ever criticized you for spending too much time playing computer games rather than spending time with them?
7. Have you been diagnosed with carpal tunnel syndrome or experience symptoms of carpal tunnel?
8. Have you ever said you were sick in order to stay home from school to play your favorite game?
9. While not spending time on the internet or playing computer games, do you feel angry, agitated, irritable or depressed?

If you are truly convinced that your Aspergers (high functioning autism) teens or kids are addicted to video games or computer games, it’s your job as the parent to get your kids off the computer and off the video game console, providing them ample opportunity for active play and natural exercise in and outside of the home.

Make no mistake, video game addiction is a real addiction and if you are a mom or dad that is concerned about your home-grown video game addict, it’s up to you to parent your kids and closely monitor and limit their gaming activities. Massively multiplayer online role-playing games (MMORPG’s) are designed to be addictive.

Video game makers and marketers are counting on people to become addicted to the games! It’s a lot of money in their pockets, and a lot of money out of your pockets. Let your kids whine, cry and complain all they want about placing restrictions and limits on their game use, but be the parent.

One of the effects of kids addicted to computer games is the increase in childhood obesity amongst young kids and teens due to excessive amounts of time spent leading a more sedentary lifestyle (and poor eating habits), amongst other physical, emotional and mental problems associated with too much time being spent playing computer games.

Be the parent of your kids, not their friend. If the video game problem in your home is so bad that you feel your Aspergers youngster is a “video game addict”, or if your kids spend too much time watching television, shut it down and get your kids involved in other activities that encourage and promote active play and that provides more than finger and thumb exercises from video game controls.

Again, if your Aspergers child flips into a rage when computer privileges are withdrawn, then use the disciplinary strategies outlined in My Aspergers Child eBook.


COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said...  Waiting to see the answers. I have the same issue. Except I home school and she won't do her school work. I have tried every approach and nothing is working. She is lost in video games.
•    Anonymous said... Be consistent! Stick to the plan. Hang on for dear life!
•    Anonymous said... Give her time warnings to transition. 15 min, 10 min warnings help prepare them.
•    Anonymous said... My son is not phased at all . Take 1 thing away like video games he just find something else and so it continues
•    Anonymous said... Password the computer so she can't go on.
•    Anonymous said... Prepare to have the computer smashed and other items.
•    Anonymous said... Unfortunately I think a lot of teenaged aspies only get to feel comfortable and popular in their online world doing something that they're usually brilliant at like gaming. I have the same problem here and have yet to work out a solution either
•    Anonymous said... We give our sons plenty of warning but we have had this in the past where everything gets smashed up.
•    Anonymous said... You may be up against the inevitable unfortunately. Some Aspies are fixated with their computers (my son also). I once worried about this also but in my experience taking it away only compounds the situation.
•    Anonymous said… Be consistent with her; when her time is up - her time up. It's probably a bit harder for you as she's a teenager and hormonal. Does she know when the time is going to go off? Can she see it counting down? Maybe if she had prior warning to just bam time's up, that it, that may (or may not) help her transition between playing and having to stop? Just a thought...you know your daughter best
•    Anonymous said… I know this is hard and she is older. We are very stricken with our aspergers child. When he throws a tantrum we send him to his room he can break whatever he wants then it's gone. We also will ground him. If he is throwing a fit over computer time we'll now you have lost it for 24 hours. They do aventually get it. We first started with a warning as time got close to ending g. Gave him consequences if he looses his temper. If he did he was sent to his room and losses the computer for 24 hours. You have to be firm even if it kills you inside
•    Anonymous said… We have an app on my phone called OurPact which cuts out the iPad at set times - regardless of what my daughter is doing. I also use a lock out on the computer so that at certain times she can access it and at other times she is locked out. I found it was the only safe way to regulate her use
•    Anonymous said… We make our son do activities to earn computer/ game time. Every minute he is outside, spending time with the family or anything non computer, he earns equal minutes on the computer. It has been working very well. Also we give warnings as well that his time is coming to an end. When tried the limits on the computer it was set to a specific time and the little booger found out how to change time zones so he could score more time. Hope this helps in some small way.
*   Anonymous said... My son is very attached to his computer time to. Putting limits on him was very difficult as he is intelligent and computer savvy enough to get around any security we put in place. I went so far at one point to un plug the modem and take it with me when I left the house so Internet wasn't possible. His response was to throw our computer hard drive off the balcony. Needless to say there were some consequences. The advice of our behavioral consultant has been to stop focusing on how much time he's spending on the computer and instead focus on making sure he's doing the things he needs to do. He has daily and weekly health, social and education goals with motivation rewards. After that he can game all he wants.
 
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Young People with AS and HFA: Controlling Frustration

"Any tips for dealing with a 14 y.o. autistic child [high functioning] who gets frustrated over almost anything that doesn't go the way he thinks it should?! NO Patience Whatsoever!!!"

Many children, teens, and even adults with Asperger's [AS] and High Functioning Autism [HFA] are known to have a low tolerance for frustrating experiences that result in either meltdowns or shutdowns. This post is dedicated to them...

We all know what frustration is, and we've all felt it, whether as a fleeting annoyance or as full-fledged rage. Frustration is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems—problems at work, in personal relationships, and in the overall quality of life. And it can make you feel as though you're at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion.

The Nature of Frustration—

Frustration is an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage. Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you get frustrated, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your energy hormones, adrenaline, and nor-adrenaline.

Frustration can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be frustrated at a specific person (such as a coworker or supervisor) or event (a traffic jam, a canceled flight), or your frustration could be caused by worrying or brooding about your personal problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger feelings of frustration.

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

Expressing Frustration—

The instinctive, natural way to express frustration is to respond aggressively. Frustration is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of frustration, therefore, is necessary to our survival.

On the other hand, we can't physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on how far our frustration can take us.

Children and adults use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their feelings of frustration. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming. Expressing your feelings of frustration in an assertive—not aggressive—manner is the healthiest way to express frustration. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.

Frustration can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your frustration, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your frustration and convert it into more constructive behavior. The frustration in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your frustration can turn inward—on yourself. Frustration turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression.

Unexpressed frustration can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of frustration, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. Children and adults who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively express their frustration. Not surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many successful relationships.

Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside.

Frustration Management—

The goal of frustration management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physiological arousal that frustration causes. You can't get rid of, or avoid, the things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your reactions.

Some children and adults really are more "hot-headed" than others are; they get angry more easily and more intensely than the average person does. There are also those who don't show their frustration in loud spectacular ways but are chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily angered children and adults don't always curse and throw things; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk, or get physically ill.

Children and adults who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance. They can't take things in stride, and they're particularly infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust: for example, being corrected for a minor mistake.

What makes these people this way? A number of things… One cause may be genetic or physiological: There is evidence that some children are born irritable, touchy, and easily angered, and that these signs are present from a very early age. Another may be socio-cultural. Frustration is often regarded as negative; we're taught that it's all right to express anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to express frustration. As a result, we don't learn how to handle it or channel it constructively.

Research has also found that family background plays a role. Typically, children and adults who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic, and not skilled at emotional communications.

Strategies to Keep Frustration at Bay:

Relaxation—

Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down feelings of frustration. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn the techniques, you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques.

Some simple steps to try:

• Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your "gut."
• Non-strenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.
• Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply.
• Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination.

Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you're in a tense situation.

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

Cognitive Restructuring—

Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Angry children and adults tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can become exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow."

Be careful of words like "never" or "always" when talking about yourself or someone else. "This !&*%@ machine never works," or "you're always forgetting things" are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your frustration is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution.

Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything; that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse).

Logic defeats frustration, because frustration, even when it's justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is "not out to get you," you're just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel frustration getting the best of you, and it'll help you get a more balanced perspective. Angry people tend to demand things: fairness, appreciation, agreement, willingness to do things their way. Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don't get them, but angry children and adults demand them, and when their demands aren't met, their disappointment becomes frustration.

As part of their cognitive restructuring, angry children and adults need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their expectations into desires. In other words, saying, "I would like" something is healthier than saying, "I demand" or "I must have" something. When you're unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal reactions—frustration, disappointment, hurt—but not frustration. Some angry children and adults use this frustration as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn't mean the hurt goes away.

Problem Solving—

Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all frustration is misplaced, and often it's a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. The best attitude to bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle and face the problem.

Make a plan, and check your progress along the way. Resolve to give it your best, but also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn't come right away. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts and make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right away.

Better Communication—

Angry children and adults tend to jump to—and act on—conclusions. And some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you're in a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.

Listen, too, to what is underlying the frustration. For instance, you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space, and your "significant other" wants more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your activities, don't retaliate by painting your partner as a jailer, a warden, or an albatross around your neck.

It's natural to get defensive when you're criticized, but don't fight back. Instead, listen to what's underlying the words: the message that this person might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient questioning on your part, and it may require some breathing space, but don't let your frustration—or a partner's—let a discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one.

Using Humor—

"Silly humor" can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone a name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what that word would literally look like. If you're at work and you think of a coworker as a "dirt-bag" or a "single-cell life form," for example, picture a large bag full of dirt (or an amoeba) sitting at your colleague's desk, talking on the phone, going to meetings. Do this whenever a name comes into your head about another person. If you can, draw a picture of what the actual thing might look like. This will take a lot of the edge off your fury; and humor can always be relied on to help un-knot a tense situation.

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

The underlying message of highly angry children and adults is "things should go my way!" Angry children and adults tend to feel that they are morally right, that any blocking or changing of their plans is an unbearable indignity and that they should NOT have to suffer this way. Maybe other people do, but not them!

When you feel that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a god or goddess, a supreme ruler, who owns the streets and stores and office space, striding alone and having your way in all situations while others defer to you. The more detail you can get into your imaginary scenes, the more chances you have to realize that maybe you are being unreasonable; you'll also realize how unimportant the things you're angry about really are. There are two cautions in using humor. First, don't try to just "laugh off" your problems; rather, use humor to help yourself face them more constructively. Second, don't give in to harsh, sarcastic humor; that's just another form of unhealthy frustration expression.

What these techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself too seriously. Frustration is a serious emotion, but it's often accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can make you laugh.

Changing Your Environment—

Sometimes it's our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the "trap" you seem to have fallen into and all the people and things that form that trap.

Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some "personal time" scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the working mother who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the first 15 minutes "nobody talks to Mom unless the house is on fire." After this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands from her kids without blowing up at them.

Some Other Tips for Easing Up on Yourself:

Timing: If you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night—perhaps you're tired, or distracted, or maybe it's just habit—try changing the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don't turn into arguments.

Avoidance: If your child's chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut the door. Don't make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don't say, "Well, my child should clean up the room so I won't have to be angry!" That's not the point. The point is to keep yourself calm.

Finding alternatives: If your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and frustration, give yourself a project—learn or map out a different route, one that's less congested or more scenic. Or find another alternative, such as a bus or commuter train.

Assertiveness Training—

It's true that angry children and adults need to learn to become assertive (rather than aggressive), but most books and courses on developing assertiveness are aimed at children and adults who don't feel enough frustration. These people are more passive and acquiescent than the average person; they tend to let others walk all over them. That isn't something that most angry people do. Still, these books can contain some useful tactics to use in frustrating situations.

Remember, you can't eliminate frustration—and it wouldn't be a good idea if you could. In spite of all your efforts, things will happen that will cause you frustration; and sometimes it will be justifiable frustration. Life will be filled with frustration, pain, loss, and the unpredictable actions of others. You can't change that; but you can change the way you let such events affect you. Controlling your angry responses can keep them from making you even less happy in the long run.

==> More tips and tricks to help your child on the autism spectrum to handle frustration and anger...

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism


SHARE WITH YOUR CHILD:

COMMENTS:

Anonymous said...  I love your articles. Little everyday reminders of how to help and work with my son that doesn't require me to sit down and read a whole book. Not a lot of time for stuff like that these days.

Anonymous said...  My husband and I are the parents of 12 year old twins. One of our sons, Thomas, has Aspergers. (He also has ADHD). Writing is very challenging for him and his chief method of coping with the negative emotions he feels when asked to work on a writing assignment in 6th grade is avoidance. As an accomodation to reduce explosive meltdowns, Thomas is allowed to call his own time outs. He is good at anticipating a meltdown and has not had any big ones since we began using this self-management technique, but now that it is two weeks from the end of the school year with some big writing projects left to do, he says he is feeling "stressed out" and takes so many time outs that he isn't completing his school work. I think he truly is feeling stressed, but I would like him to develop more tolerance for the negative feelings he gets when faced with something that challenges him (whether the academic challenge or writing, or the social challenge of ignoring perceived joking and teasing.) The school staff work with him one-on-one as much as they can, to work through his frustrations over writing, but there are other children who need one-on-one attention too, and so Thomas ends up during some course blocks doing none or very little school work. How can I help the school transition Thomas away from the avoidance technique of "time outs," and towards the goal of sticking with his frustrating assignments and working through the negative feelings? The school wants to avoid melt-downs, almost at all costs, because these are so disruptive to other students and even destructive (Thomas had to earn back the cost of repairing a wall when he slammed a door knob through a wall, and, in a separate incident a week later, he paid to replace a door that cracked when he slammed it shut during a meltdown.) How can we and the school help Thomas develop more tolerance for the painful emotions he feels when he is faced with challenging situations?

Julianna76 said...  My son was diagnosed at age 15. He is 31 yrs old now and has 2 college degrees in the engineering field and no one will hire him. That is frustrating. My son while growing up never had meltdowns or tantrums. Instead he shut down. Middle school of course was a nightmare. I asked him if the kids teased him or bullied him and said "yeah". When I asked how he felt about it he said, "Mom, they don't feed me, clothe me or shelter me. They are nothing to me, so why should I care what they think about me. I choose to ignore them." I see sadness in his eyes sometimes because he worked very hard to get those degrees, and to the parent who said he was worried about his son's handwriting..."don't sweat it". My son is 31 and I still can't read his handwriting. I see the sadness when he gets a phone call or an email stating he didn't get the job. Voc Rehab follows up and it seems employers don't like candidates who don't look them in the eye and talk about their hobbies or their families or what they did last weekend. My son says, "That is irrelevant. I am here to discuss my qualifications for the job not my hobbies or family." He is very matter of fact and despises small talk for the sake of conversation. I will tell you all now, you think you are having a hard time now,....just wait until all those "programs" dry up in the wind the moment your Aspie child graduates from college. Oh and forget disability. My son tried twice...turned down. The state of NC says he's not blind and can walk, so therefore he is not disabled. So he lives at home, AAS and BS degrees on the wall, may have well just framed a piece of toilet paper for what's worth. Just 25K in students loans to pay back.

Aspergers Children and Poor Self-Esteem

Question

Can children with aspergers/asd seem to become worse as they get older? At the ages from 2 to 6, my daughter was very hyperactive. As the years have gone on, she seems more withdrawn, quieter, and far more emotional. She is also becoming less and less sociable with other children that are her age.


Answer

Young people with Aspergers have a much harder time with their self-esteem. They often perceive the constant correction of their behaviors and their social interactions as criticism. The frequent visits to doctors, or speech therapists, or OTs, the testing and the stream of interventions that we try with them can easily leave them feeling like they're under the microscope, a specimen that warrants investigation, a person who needs fixing.

Expressive and comprehensive communication can also have a direct impact on a youngster's self-esteem. These are areas that do not come easily to young people or adults with Aspergers. Understanding subtle jokes and participating in human interplay, actions natural to their neuro-typical peers, further increase their feelings of 'not fitting in' and erode their self-esteem.

Combine all this with the expectations of siblings and the all-too-frequent bullying interactions from many peers and it's easy to understand how devastated a youngster with an Aspergers spectrum disorder can feel.

What can we do? It's critical for us, as family members, educators, and professionals to learn strategies and techniques! In our not-too-distant past, institutional placement was the standard intervention for people with Aspergers. While that is not the case today, we still encounter lack of understanding and appreciation for the unique qualities of the person with ASD. Everyone, especially these visual learners, need a constant reminder of how special they truly are. We must find ways to give them their own Teddy Bear (or dinosaur!) so they will feel "L.C.B." on their own.

But how do we really build their self-esteem? It starts with us examining our own ideas of how we view young people with Aspergers. We must believe in their value ourselves before we can ever change their minds. These kids know when we're faking our compliments or arbitrarily handing out encouragement because the therapy book says we should give 5 positive comments to each correction. It involves empathy, walking in their shoes, rather than sympathy; no one wants to be felt sorry for. Each youngster is a gift, with his or her own special qualities. We just need to look for these special gifts, tune into the youngster with our hearts, and bring their essence out.

Knowledge is power and nowhere is it more powerful than in helping people better understand what it's like to have Aspergers. Explain Aspergers to everyone involved with the youngster. This will increase their empathy and provide opportunities for genuine praise and encouragement. Explain Aspergers to the youngster, too, when he is able to understand his disability. Who are we really kidding, other than ourselves, when we pretend a youngster does not have the Aspergers label or we try to camouflage it? Who are we hurting? It's the youngster with Aspergers who is hurt in the long run.

Go to conferences, read books, research and share information that takes into consideration the many sensory, social, behavioral and communication challenges faced by the youngster at his/her functioning level. Armed with this understanding of how the disability affects the youngster, you and others can better find ways to help him or her fit in.

Remember to teach extended family, educators, other moms & dads and professionals all you can to help integration and provide a deeper understanding when trying to teach particular skills. Be intuitive when advocating for young people and persistent in your approach, though not abrasive. Having a positive mental attitude, especially when advocating, helps others want to cooperate with us. After all, who wants to deal with anyone cranky?

Bridge the interactions between peers and the youngster with Aspergers. Visually and verbally interpret what you think they both are thinking and/or feeling based on your own experiences when you were their age, and your understanding of Aspergers.

By teaching others about Aspergers, more people will become aware of this invisible disability. When people understand empathetically, they will more naturally accept the youngster with Aspergers, as he is. This is often effective in reducing or eliminating bullying from peers, too.

Learn to correct behaviors by sandwiching the correction in the middle of positive feedback. For example, "Sammy, you are doing a great job cleaning your room. If you pick up the clothes over there it would look even neater. Boy, you sure are a good listener."

Young people with Aspergers often times have an incredible sense of humor. I have to stop myself from laughing so my own son doesn't feel like I'm laughing "at" him, causing him to feel inadequate. Sometimes I'll even say "I'm not laughing at you, Jonny, I'm laughing with you."

Stress the positives! Look for the good in every youngster, even if you don't see it at first. Pretending to be Pollyanna can only help, but make sure you're genuine in what you say. Stress the good effort your youngster is making, if he hasn't yet achieved a goal. Show your confidence in his abilities by telling him that you believe he can succeed. Saying things like this that may not be 100% true initially will contribute to your youngster's trust and belief in himself, raising his self-esteem and encouraging self-motivation to continue trying.

Model a mental attitude of "things are great". Express yourself in the positive, rather than the negative. Kids with Aspergers are masters at copying what others say, so make sure they're hearing things that are good for them to copy! When we say, "you are great!" to a youngster often enough, he, too, will believe it and feel valued for who he truly is.

Encourage young people to share their thoughts and feelings; this is so important and often sheds new light on existing situations. My son, Jonathan was temporarily removed from the bus after cutting the seat. At first we thought he was acting out, so we had him write an apology to his bus driver. When we read his letter, we discovered that he was being bullied by another student on the bus and that it had been going on for quite some time. We intervened appropriately. The other youngster was reprimanded and Jonny was taught appropriate methods of expressing his anger in the future.

Like most people, kids with Aspergers feel better about themselves when they're balanced physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Since they are often very picky eaters and gravitate towards junk food, it's important to try supplementing their diet. Also, provide regular physical activity, when possible, to relieve stress and clear their mind. Set the stage for success by acknowledging their achievements - however small - and reminding them of their past accomplishments. Keep their life manageable and doable, refraining from overwhelming them with so many activities that they become too challenged physically and mentally to succeed at anything. Provide choices to them frequently so they understand they have a say in their own lives and even let them be in charge sometimes. These are all great ways to build self-esteem!

Don't overlook giving them opportunities to connect with their spiritual side through religious avenues or by communing with nature. This can help them feel purposeful, that their lives have meaning and connected with their source.

A strategy that helped raise Jonathan's self-esteem, especially in overcoming his victim thoughts and feelings, was spiritual affirmations. Using affirmations took some time, but we found that it brought calm and peace to Jonathan and our family.

Dr. Jerry Jampolsky, author of Love is Letting Go Of Fear and founder of the Center for Attitudinal Healing, offers many principles I find helpful in teaching us to love ourselves, thereby enhancing self-esteem, both in ourselves and then with others. Some of his principles include:

-The essence of our being is love
-Health is inner peace Live in the now
-Become love finders rather than fault finders
-Learn to love others and ourselves by forgiving rather than judging
-We can choose to be peaceful inside regardless of what's going on outside
-We're all students and teachers to each other.

Part of Jerry's message is that by focusing on life as a whole, rather than in fragments, we can see what is truly important. His concepts, when embraced, positively affect how a youngster with Aspergers thinks and feels about him or herself. Anger, resentment, judgment and similar feelings are all forms of fear. Since love and fear cannot co-exist, letting go of fear allows love to be the dominant feeling.

Look for the Miracles Daily, there are miracles and good things happening all around us. Learn intimately the challenges that young people with Aspergers face in their everyday lives. Be on their team by tuning into who they truly are - unique expressions of divine light. Empower them to be themselves, perfectly okay with who and how they are. Do this by loving them for who they are now, today, not who you think they should become, after ABA, or speech therapy or learning 'appropriate' social skills. Consider that young people and adults with Aspergers are wonderful beings here to teach us empathy, compassion, understanding and most importantly, how to love. Most importantly, do whatever it takes to include them in life rather than merely integrate their presence.

In genuine star sapphires there are tiny imperfections and inclusions that reflect light perfectly to form a star in the stone. Each youngster with Aspergers is like this precious gem, unique in every way. Without the tiny inclusions, there would be no star. It is our job as moms & dads, educators and professionals to "bring out the stars" in all of our special young people by shining the light on their natural beauty. In so doing, we see their different abilities rather than their disabilities. And, then they will see them, too.

Helping Aspergers and HFA Children to Control Their Anger

"I'm in desperate need of some strategies to deal with my Aspergers (high-functioning) son's anger. When he starts to stew about something, it's not long before all hell breaks loose. Any suggestions?!"

==> CLICK HERE for the answer...

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Aspergers Q & A: "My step-son has had numerous meltdowns off and on for most of his life..."

Question

My step-son is about to turn 12. He has been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. He currently lives with his mother and step-father and half sister. My husband and I live with our son and my two daughters. My step-son has had numerous meltdowns off and on for most of his life. He seems to pick one thing out of his life and fixate on it until he is so afraid of it that he has a meltdown. These fixation normally last for six months or more until all of a sudden, he is no longer afraid of it but finds a new thing to fear. Currently, he is fixated on being scared of coming to visit his dad and is constantly making up excuses not to visit. We have tried to explain to him that there is nothing to be afraid of. We love him very much. He told me that he is afraid that his dad will yell at him or get on to him. Now, I have been with my husband for 7 years and I have seen that the only thing he gets in trouble for is the normal everyday stuff that children get into trouble about. We treat him as we do the other three. From everything that I have read I feel that he should face his fears in order to get past it. But, me being just a step-mom, anything I say doesn't matter or is taken the wrong way. We are getting no help from his mother or any of the other family members who all feel that if he doesn't want to visit, then it must be something that we have done to cause. But, last year when he freaked out about going to school every morning, did they just let him quit? NO! I know this is a tough one. Any opinions would be greatly appreciated. This is not only affecting my husband emotionally, but also my son. He misses him terribly too!


Answer

What you are dealing with here is anxiety. Although little is known about what anxiety symptoms look like in kids with Aspergers, the following symptoms, which overlap with Anxiety Disorders, indicate anxiety:

• Avoidance of new situations
• Irritability
• Somatic complaints
• Withdrawal from social situations

Another set of anxiety symptoms may be seen and may be unique to kids with Aspergers:

• Becoming "silly"
• Becoming explosive easily (e.g., anger outbursts)
• Increased insistence on routines and sameness
• Increased preference for rules and rigidity
• Increased repetitive behavior
• Increased special interest

Cognitive behavioral therapy, a time-limited approach designed to change thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, has been shown to be successful in treating Anxiety Disorders in kids.

For kids with both anxiety symptoms and Aspergers, an innovative group therapy program using cognitive behavioral therapy has been developed. The program includes specific modifications for working with kids with Aspergers and Anxiety Disorder and consists of both a child component and a parent component.

Modifications designed to address the cognitive, social, and emotional difficulties include:

1. More education on emotions—Activities such as feeling dictionaries (i.e., a list of different words for anxiety) and emotional charades (i.e., guessing people's emotions depending on faces) are helpful in developing emotional self-awareness.

2. Greater parent involvement—To build on the attachment between youngster and caregiver, it is important to have moms and dads learn the techniques and coach kids to use them at home.

3. Games and fun physical activities are important to include in group therapy to promote social interactions.

4. Combining visual and verbal materials—Use of worksheets, written schedules of therapy activities, and drawings can be added to increase structure in therapy sessions.

5. Behavioral management—Addition of a reward and consequence system maintains structure and prevents anger outbursts.

6. "Individualizing" anxiety symptoms—Kids should be helped by the therapist to identify what their own anxiety symptoms look like as anxiety symptoms may present differently.

There is some early evidence to suggest that cognitive behavioral group therapy with specific modifications can be successful in treating anxiety symptoms in kids with Aspergers. In a study involving kids with both disorders, most benefited from their participation in the group therapy program and showed fewer anxiety symptoms after 12-weeks of consistent attendance. Future research is being done to get stronger evidence for the effectiveness of the group therapy program.