Do you need some assistance in parenting your Aspergers or HFA child? Click here to use Mark Hutten, M.A. as your personal parent coach.
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Hello, I think two of my three sons have Aspergers. We have been totally clueless until recently when I was fortunate enough to have a volunteer retired teacher visit us and teach my two younger kids on distance education. I have known something was quite different with my youngest son for years now, but not knowing anything about asperges or anyone (supposedly) with it- I never made the connection. Our youngest seems to be quite mild, but has at least 6 typical traits of aspergers, that I can tell. Our second son is 14 years old and is a minefield. He has nearly broken up our marriage, and is now working on my in laws, and basically wreeking havok, and I am very worried he will end up in Juvenille court for stealing. At this point, I am worried sick about him. My mother in law thinks he may have another condition called ODD? or something- we have had him to psychologists and he sweet talks them, and we can't seem to get anywhere-but I'm not going quietly on that one. I would love your program, but I don't have an ipad, only a desktop computer. I was wondering if you had this program in DVD form or book form? I would appreciate any help you could give us. I am going to be getting my youngest to a paediatician as soon as I can manage it, and get him assessed. Thankyou, Regards- Reb Price, Cunnamulla. QLD. AUS.
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Hello,
I am the adoptive mother of my 17 yr. old son who was diagnosed with RAD when he was 10 yrs. old. He received treatment for 18 months at Intermountain Children's Home in Helena, MT when he was 11. There was no follow up counseling available where we lived and so we were not able to continue therapy for him. Conventional therapy with therapists was never successful although we tried to go that route. He struggled in school from 1st grad on with varied approaches used throughout the schools he attended, usually behavioral types of treatment and he was shuffled through his junior year of high school not having what I would call an education at all. He can barely write and read but mainly due to the fact that his comprehension level joined with his distraction level prevented him from learning. He is now incarcerated for multiple offenses of burglary, theft, runaway behavior, etc. and is facing current charges of even more events that just keep accumulating because his needs are not being met. He is in a facility that has abused him physically as a way to control him. He has been thrown around while in handcuffs and shackles and he has had some memory blackouts during altercations with staff when he is extremely angry. I suspect that he is re-experiencing childhood trauma that he is not even aware of while being locked up in a jail cell that causes him to act out. He was kept in a room isolated as an infant and had little interaction with others and when he came to live with me I could never shut a door between us or he would become hysterical. I suspect being locked up in isolation as he is at this moment has not been good for him. I have pleaded to get him treatment as he has a kind and gentle heart but he doesn't show that to the world that he is forced to be involved with at this time. My questions are: 1) would his lock up trigger those past trauma events of his infancy? 2) where can my son go for help? I need a recommendation for the judge asap. 3) is there an advocacy program anywhere for children with RAD? I do not believe that continued institutionalization with the correctional facilities is going to help my child in becoming a productive member of society. Any help would be appreciated.
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I am online and found your site with regard to the book you offer to launch an adult child into the working and independent world. Although I would like to believe that my son will do this organically soon, and that he is not a victim of Aspergers or any level of autism, I find that MANY of the symptoms listed are those that I have dealt with for YEARS with my son. From the time he was just a young boy, he was ‘different’. But not SO different that I had him tested for something like this. I had him tested for other things – learning disabilities (negative) challenged in ‘processing information’, but not learning problem, hearing problems (negative) dr. said it’s a case of ‘selective hearing’, dyslexia (possibly), and so on… but through the years, I have just ‘known’ something is not quite right. And reading these symptoms of Aspergers and/or kids that function quite well with Autism, … I wonder. Is it possible?! I am not having him tested at this point.
I am buying your book just to see if there is anything in there that would describe him today at 24 years old. He lives at home, and I know he desires to move out. He has graduated College this past May with a BFA in Illustration (artist) and lived with us during college years. He has a job… not in the art field at this time, and not great pay, but he’s employed… none-the-less wants help with gas money still!!?? Almost like he’s afraid he won’t have the money even though he does. He has no student loans. Car is paid for. He talks of finding an apartment with friends, but then… nothing happens. Maybe it will! Maybe not.
Hopefully, your book will reveal answers. If not … at least I can cross that off the list, I suppose!
Anyway, thank you for any insight you may provide! If there is another book that would be more appropriate for me… give me that info as well!! I am convinced there is a way I can communicate with my son so that it doesn’t frustrate both of us to no end.
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My 3 1/2 year old has been followed by an early intervention program from 18 months old until he aged out at age 3 - receiving general therapy, OT, and speech. At that time he was evaluated by my county’s Special Ed office to determine eligibility to receive further services. He was not deemed “deficient enough” to receive services because his “high scores far offset his low scores.” He was evaluated for autism by a medical center specializing in these disorders. I was told that he would probably “fit” in the Aspergers category but that condition no longer exists within the autism spectrum.
We try to find activities on our own to help him. Currently his is part of a therapeutic music program and a therapeutic horse riding program. He also attends a preschool - he is above average in his knowledge but struggles with the social aspect. He has been biting at his school (and only at school) since he was about 2 years old. When this began, he was biting about once a week. During the past year, I was pregnant and on bed rest for the last 4 months of my pregnancy. His biting increased to a couple times a week. The baby is almost 6 months old and my 3 1/2 year old still has not adjusted to his brother. I cannot leave them alone without supervision. My 3 1/2 year old has dumped the baby out of his swing and baby chair, head butted him, thrown things at him (he also does this when they are side by side in their carseats) —— and his biting at school has dramatically increased. Now it has become a daily occurrence - and sometimes more than once a day. We have not been able to identify any specific event that prompts the biting - he does not have to be angry to bite — sometimes it is totally unprovoked. It happens when he is in small groups, large groups, inside, outside, morning, afternoon, quiet times or noisy times. If it is an anger issue (another child playing with a toy he wants), then the bite can be very bad, with him actually dragging his teeth across the child’s arm, back, face - where ever his teeth have made contact. We have tried everything we can think of and his teachers at the preschool try to work with him as well. We have used time out, read stories about biting, explained how it hurts and how it makes his friends feel — we have even spanked. We have tried changing up his routine, removing any toys that might have caused a sharing problem… I could list more but the point is that we just do not know want to do.
I think we are “in the forest and can’t see the trees.” Do you have any suggestions or advice on what we need to do to help him stop biting at this point? I somehow think that he has done it for so long that it has almost become a habit. It is almost as if he seems to thinks that biting is what is expected of him when he goes to preschool. Other than preschool, he does not bite. I have tried to find services (such as anger management, etc) but my area is so limited. There is one program that could help him. I have spoken to the therapist at length but my insurance will not pay and their costs are exorbitant.
I am a high school teacher but feel so helpless when it comes to my own child. Dad loves his son but is passive and we have completely different views on discipline - his is to ignore it and hopefully it will go away! My parents live close by and my son adores them. They seem to be able to do much more with him than I am able to and he responds differently to them than he does to me. They have also tried to address this problem with him but have not had success either.
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Hi mark,
I read all of your articles and have been for years . I've found them very helpful I've been struggling with a problem for several years now and I just can't figure out how it solve it:
I am separated 2 years, divorced 1 and my 10 year old son ( mild aspire) yells at me. I have no one here to take up for me besides his younger and older brothers and that's not their job. If something doesnt go his way he yls things at me like: " I hate you! You're a jerk!! This is why I'd rather be at dad's house, and even obscenities sometimes." He yells at me so loudly it hurts my ears and honestly I'm afraid he may hurt me someday, on impulse. I've tried to ignore him, take away his iPad, I even prevented him from attending football practice last night. It seems those things just make him madder. Any advice? He also yells at his brothers . But I'm the main target of abuse.
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Hello Mr. Hutten
Please read the previous email below if possible to put the things in context.
After reading your book I will say my son is of subtypes Rule Oriented, Predominately OCD with anxiety and inattention.
Last few years we have worked with a few therapists and most of them have said that they infrequently meet kids who are so rigid emotionally.
Now the latest issue is last year kid missed 45 days of school, so he missed mid-term tests. He wasted whole summer watching RERUNS of TV shows and even did not meet with the teacher we hired for SAT. Now kid is sad as unlike other kids he missed midterm tests last year. He says he is upset/sad as he DID not work for college/SAT like other kids during summer. Tries to live too much in the past. One word to describe him carries 'too much emotional baggage'. We say ok you missed in past , we can still catch up, let us do now, then he won’t do anything.
One more item worth mentioning, although behind in reading comprehension, but on Wikipedia he can read many pages about TV shows of his interest. But yesterday he has to read a few pages about school rules, then he gave us a lot of grief.
The question I need your opinion on is if we put such kid in so called therapeutic school (he will be unwilling). As per your opinion or calculated guess do such kids improve or become worse.
If you have any recommendation of therapeutic school on east coast for such kid please share.
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Good morning:
I wanted to ask whether you think your program would be an effective s.s. training module
for teachers to employ. I teach autistic students in a self contained classroom -several of
whom are high functioning. All are established communicators and range in age from 8 to
11 years old. They are in desperate need of s.s. training (bully each other, verbally abusive,
physically abusive if not separated). I need to find a good program and haven't yet. Any
advice is appreciated.
Regards,
Vicki F.
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Mark, I am writing this at a very vulnerable time. We have a 12 almost 13 year old aspergers son. We changed him from a mainstream school in 4th grade to a school where we thought he would get more individual help with reading comprehension. He was well adjusted and everyone in his class was wonderful.He laughed and talked alot. At the next school for children with special needs he got to where he was quiet at school but very animated and talked alot at home and with family. So, now we have mainstreamed him again and he is repeating 6th grade again due to getting behind at the special needs school. He began throwing up this summer in all the trashcans around the house but told me he had a migraine. After a few weeks I knew this was not true and he told us he was anxious about going to a new school. He asked what if no one likes me. Then I caught him making himself throw up . that blew me away. How did he even know about that? Also, he became so ugly and mean. Calling me stupid, dumb and a bitch. He told his aunt tonight that he hated her then said he was sorry and did not know why he did that. Also , he is urinating in his playroom and room for no reason but sometimes because he is mad at me. He has shaved off both of his eyebrows and again for no reason. We have been to see the psychologist and she can not get a handle on this. He does hate me right now as he told the psych. He urinated this morning in his room for no reason and now I am making him clean it up. At school, they have assigned some boys to include him and this has been great. He is drinking a caffeinated drink at lunch which helps keep him awake for the afternoon. His grades are good with us studying for hours together daily. When he gets in the car and I ask him about his day he tells me to be quiet, he wants silence. He does strength training on tuesdays and thursdays and guitar on Wed. He is musically talented. He is adopted so I do not know alot about his background. He is on Focalin 150 mg and clonipin ,25 prn and Vyvanse. I give him Melatonin 10 mg at night for sleep. It takes him a long time to go to sleep. And YES, I have been screaming back and cursing--I have about lost my mind. I want to do whatever it takes to get him back on track. I want my sweet talkative fella back or something that is manageble. I don't want to lose him. He still has times that he is sweet and loving.
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Dear Mark,
My son, Hunter was diagnosed with AS in 2006, once he got the assessment, he hasn't being reassessed, this is despite Hunters teachers say he tends to cycle in his behavior, he frequently talks to himself on both sides of the conversation. Even laughing a good hardly laugh at what one side said or conversely getting upset. He says he hears voices in his head. He has had oppositional defiant leading to violent out busts of wanting to hit, kill, bomb, etc. He has sexualised behavior at home and school and in public. We are more concerned for our sons safety and reaching his full potential than having a label. He is now 13, big and strong so we need to get a handle on the best way to help him sooner rather than later.
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We adopted our son Marcus when he was 2 1/2. In hindsight, I can see much of the high functioning Asperger's signs from the beginning. He will be 15 in November and we have had a lot of trouble with him through the years. He presents very much like Reactive Attachment Disorder and was severely abused and neglected before we got him. He has spent time in residential facilities because of acting out against younger siblings and making it a very unsafe environment, all the while, being treated as if it were RAD. During the last time at the residential facility and then with his most recent counselor, now back at home, I have had two separate counselors suggest that he may be high functioning Asperger's because of his lack of empathy toward his victims, unable to keep eye contact, comforting behaviors, among many other things.
My question is, should we test him for it and add one more label to him (which is already difficult for him) or for now, read more books like yours and educate ourselves on living with and helping a child with Asperger's? He also has epilepsy, but is otherwise very healthy physically.
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Thank you so much!! I have read some parts of the book today. When I get more read, I will probably pay the fee to be able to email you on a regular basis. Thank you for what you do!! It's amazing how much many of the characteristics of Asperger's and RAD look the same, but I feel like this is answering all the other questions that we have had that didn't seem to have an answer before!
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Hi,
My names natasha and I live in england. My son who is now 10 years old was diagnosed with HFA in 2009. I have watched your video and it has given me a clarification of how my son's mind works. I always felt I understood him but would find myself getting frustrated when he would argue points with me. I can see the reason behind this now and hopefully will manage situations better from now on.
My son appears to live in what I call a fantasy world, he mimics actions and sayings from books and tv and can not seem to understand that some things he does is not exceptable. It is like the world of tv and reality murge together. Would it be adviced to maybe reduce what kind of tv he watches though I don't want to completely restrict him from watching shows that other children his age would watch, or do I refer to some fact based information for him to reference the behavior he observes through tv and books to that of what is exceptable in society.
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Hi Mark,
Thank you so much for being a resource for people like me. My son Micah, is 11 and has a speech disability and autism. This is a double-whammy, and now he is in 5th grade there are challenges compounding. I believe this will only worsen if I do not find the right interventions.
Micah has come a long way and his age helps him become more self-confident is some ways, but generalizing school rules is a challenge. He is in the general classroom around 90% of the time, has an average intelligence (brilliant in many abstract ways beyond his years and concrete thinking is strong) and can answer questions when being called or even volunteers to answer questions. He is extremely aware of his speech disability and there are some consonant blends that have never been produced, and is afraid the outside world will never understand or accept his speech. This is a very painful issue for me to watch him go through...yes I am the mom! But I also can confirm this is painful for him as well, due to his tears always after school in the truck on the way home.
I am a college student and my major is special education...four class countdown for my BS! The major was chosen for me, and I am very grateful that I am in school to keep up with my son and to be the greatest intervention he has. Unfortunately, this was a Utopian thought and I am desperate to find the next step for Micah because his progress, or the lack of is out of my knowledge of abilities.
Micah has never created a basic knowledge of making friends. He has never constructed that first experience of walking up to a child and asking them if he could play with them. I know that once he has done this, he can begin to scaffold this new experience and create more social experiences from the foundation experience. Of course I sit on the sidelines and guide and even tried to role play..."okay, Micah, I am Jacob and throwing a ball to another boy and you walk up to me and say can I throw the ball with you guys...." nope, he is too smart and old to intervene like that because he just rolls his eyes at me! Today his special ed. director called me and said, "Micah was crawling on the bathroom stalls AGAIN and sprayed a child with sink water, for the third and final time. He cannot go to the bathroom without an adult." Micah knows he was wrong but I am not sure if he FEELS what it is like to be wrong. Therefore, am I wrong to continue my positive behavior interventions...basically ignore the bad but reward the good????? I discuss the accepted behaviors that he needs to conform to, but I also do not ground him or take away things for days. I have always though discussing and really watching for his affirmative responses gives me good reason to believe he understands in that moment. But if a student is giving him attention by either encouraging the bad or just watching him mess around, he is so starving for attention, he will throw out the rules to gain that attention.
I have seen no benefit to disciplining him for more than a few hours at a time because his sense of time is pretty much in the moment.
I do not think he is generalizing the bathroom rules, or any rules it seems, at times. I think this is a convenience issue for him, but also when he appears to be getting any attention from students, he goes over the top with that particular behavior. He does not require a behavioral intervention plan, so he is not EBD by any means. But I have always known in my gut that if he will continue to never make friends and become so isolated he will begin to have behavior issues, simply due to the rational idea that if we don't receive good attention, we will create bad attention. No one wants to be alone, period. How much learning can you really have when you go to a building for 7 hours, without one person that you call your friend, and expect to be motivated to learn or even go to school. He has been to therapists, but again, he sits and is patient in the meeting, listening and even agreeing to what is being said, but I do not believe the information is being absorbed at all. He is an active learner, not a passive one and hands-on is the most effective.
I have pleaded with the school to help with social skills on the playground and lunchroom, where the rubber hits the road, socially speaking. This is the raw social opportunities that should be monitored. We can sit with Micah all day and explain social curriculum, is what they call it now, but within the natural environment of boy/boy, boy/girl interactions, he cannot bring himself to initiate, he can only reciprocate social invitations.
I could go on and on, but I believe that would be ineffective for you! I have explained just a smidgen of my confusion about my beautiful enigma, Micah Mosiah! He loves his horses, goats and puppy deeply. So I do know he has a very large capacity for feelings and compassion and can be an emotional caretaker for those who are sad. I am in need of guidance that bolsters his self-esteem, not disciplines the spirit out of him. This means getting inside his mind and speaking his language in order to effectively raise him and intervene during his most crucial years. I want to build on his amazing capabilities as an amazing person, but I do not believe I have authority/credibility in his mind to help guide him. This is why I reach out to you.
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My 26 year old high functioning Asperger's daughter plans to move to Houston, Texas with no place to stay. She will have $1100 with her and plans to stay in a hotel until she can find a place to stay. She doesn't have good common sense but we as her parents can't seem to stop her. She has already bought her plane ticket to go there next week. She is very depressed because all she can find here in Mansfield, Ohio is factory jobs. She used to live in the Twin Cities by herself but had lots of friends there and we had her come live with us in January after she graduated from college because people were stealing from her and also she couldn't handle her money. I don't know what to do because she says that Austin is a very safe place to live but in reality every big city has unsafe places. She also plans to get a job there too. My husband plans to move to Akron, Ohio next year where we have seen that she can get help for her Asperger's. She got herself diagnosed for Asperger's two years ago but says her friends don't realize she has it. It is obvious to us that she still acts like a child in some ways and that is why she has such a hard time finding a job. So what should we do so we can stop her from going to Texas next week? When we tried to talk to her about her needing help she had a meltdown at a restaurant.
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I want to thank you for sharing tips and suggestions for handling Asperger’s children. I had never even heard of this disorder until my grandson was diagnosed. I’ve felt lost, disappointed, sad, that my lovely grandson is afflicted with this confusing disorder, but your newsletter gives me hope.
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Dear Mr. Hutten,
I am writing you for help. I am starting to think I am the child of a parent with Aspergers. Is there any material you can recommend for me?
I am starting to suspect my father may have Aspergers. In any stressful situation he becomes distant. He is very charming and able to talk to customers that come into his business, but he struggles at lasting relationships. He can't hire employees because he becomes verbally abusive, and the only person he has that volunteered to help him, actually was using him and stealing from him. He is easily angered. He is very gullible to people who are trying to use him or lead him into harmful behavior, and despite all warnings will follow them. My mother and his children warning him seem to anger him and he becomes distant from us and goes more towards dangerous, bad people. His difficulty socializing makes him insecure and crave more the attention of these people. He can't prioritize family over "friends" and i think their drinking and bad lifestyle makes him feel temporarily "accepted" into a world he hasn't been able to enter into. I feel he is entering down a very dangerous road. Worse yet, he is taking my brother, who has actually been diagnosed with Aspergers, on this road with him.
I highly suspect my father has Aspergers. I want so badly to communicate to him. Do you know of any books for someone who has an Asperger parent? Should I read the books on Asperger Partners? What will help. I need to get the most info possible so I can improve my communication with him as soon as possible.
I should probably specify, that I am an adult, and so are my brother and sister. If we can learn how to help my father, we want to very much. I also want to help my adult brother with Aspergers (he was diagnosed as an adult). If I can improve my communication skills that would be great. I haven't really learned anything about how to communicate with Asperger people. I am highly use to the poor cognitive shifting, mindblindness, and weak central coherence you talk about, as I grew up with it with my father.
Any books you know of that can help with communication with people with Aspergers, I would greatly appreciate learning about.
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Dear Mark
I bought your ebook a while ago , ( but relatively recently in struggling to understand things) and it has been a real help and solace. I may be very wrong but I am pretty sure that my partner has traits all of which I recognise from your descriptions. We have struggled on and off for 17 years and have two lovely twin boys. Counselling of any sort always made things worse because my partner hated speaking in that forum. Sometimes I think I'm going mad ( at present) and find it hard to hold on to the fact that that phase will usually pass as if nothing had happened. As your book says, it feels very isolating because not easy to share with friends, especially as he will make a swift change from being cold and silent or snappy , to being gentle and fun in company.
I want to know if how and when I can ask him to take a diagnosis- for instance is there an Introductory test on the internet that he cd do? I remember about two years ago when the thought first came to me about aspergers, that I found one and answered what I thought might be his responses .. But I'm not sure what that one was now, and if it would be valid even if he were to answer. Is there anything that might be possible to introduce us to to dip a toe in the water? I did introduce the subject a while back but it has sort of been taboo, but every now and then he might mention something relating to that conversation - one of the twins has some traits but not many, but we have talked together about those.
I suppose I'm writing because at the moment I'm going through one of those isolated phases, and it just feels awful.I appreciate very much that you said support is out there so thank you for letting me write.
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I have come to believe that our 26-year-old may have Aspergers...or rather at this point, it has him. I have read that those with Aspergers can mask it. Our son has always been strong-willed and unique, but became increasingly irrational after reaching "legal adult age,"when he could refuse any help. It was not until then we recognized what I describe as "his brain short-circuiting."
We do not have health insurance, nor the income to afford help for our son. We do not know even where to start pursuing help, and who would diagnose aspergers. It would be tragic to take him to the wrong "professionals" who are con-artists or simply don't care about patients, only about money, and hand out prescriptions carelessly.
Can you explain how we start, what we need to know. I searched "how to help adult child w/aspergers and discovered your book, with your very helpful article about the book and adults with aspergers. But please, how do we first go about diagnosis with no money to pay for help for our son, who at last has expressed some level of willingness to acknowledge the possibility of aspergers?
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Dear Mr. Hutten,
Thank you for your help. Do you know any therapists that work with Aspergers in Colorado? Any lecturers you have seen at conferences or anything like that?
I like how you said that pediatricians are learning to listen more to the parents of autistic kids and listen to their 6th sense. I wish more therapists did. My mother has gone to a therapist with my father and begged the therapist to have my father tested for Aspergers, the therapist just considered her in a negative light and refused. If the therapist had tested this like my mother asked 10 years ago, our lives would have made a lot more sense. I hope you are promoting this idea to therapists too - to listen to couples in therapy and consider that perhaps the partner does have a 6th sense when they wonder if their spouse might have Aspergers.
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Dear Mark,
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Hi Mark,
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If
you have any insight on this I am 100% open to hearing it. I am
starting to realize that he may never be ready to live on his own. He
does not remember
to bathe, change his clothes, brush his teeth, use deodorant or even
eat if I am not right there to tell him to do so. Additionally, he has
his heart set on joining the Marines as an officer at some point. I
simply do not have the heart to tell him this
dream may not come true. With his “noodle limbs” I am just not sure he
will ever be able to condition himself for such an undertaking. I have
asked if he has a backup plan to which he replies “Why would I?”.
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Mr. Hutton,
What do you feel about the IEP for high functioning kids with Aspergers with real and consistent fears?
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Hello, I think two of my three sons have Aspergers. We have been totally clueless until recently when I was fortunate enough to have a volunteer retired teacher visit us and teach my two younger kids on distance education. I have known something was quite different with my youngest son for years now, but not knowing anything about asperges or anyone (supposedly) with it- I never made the connection. Our youngest seems to be quite mild, but has at least 6 typical traits of aspergers, that I can tell. Our second son is 14 years old and is a minefield. He has nearly broken up our marriage, and is now working on my in laws, and basically wreeking havok, and I am very worried he will end up in Juvenille court for stealing. At this point, I am worried sick about him. My mother in law thinks he may have another condition called ODD? or something- we have had him to psychologists and he sweet talks them, and we can't seem to get anywhere-but I'm not going quietly on that one. I would love your program, but I don't have an ipad, only a desktop computer. I was wondering if you had this program in DVD form or book form? I would appreciate any help you could give us. I am going to be getting my youngest to a paediatician as soon as I can manage it, and get him assessed. Thankyou, Regards- Reb Price, Cunnamulla. QLD. AUS.
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Hello,
I am the adoptive mother of my 17 yr. old son who was diagnosed with RAD when he was 10 yrs. old. He received treatment for 18 months at Intermountain Children's Home in Helena, MT when he was 11. There was no follow up counseling available where we lived and so we were not able to continue therapy for him. Conventional therapy with therapists was never successful although we tried to go that route. He struggled in school from 1st grad on with varied approaches used throughout the schools he attended, usually behavioral types of treatment and he was shuffled through his junior year of high school not having what I would call an education at all. He can barely write and read but mainly due to the fact that his comprehension level joined with his distraction level prevented him from learning. He is now incarcerated for multiple offenses of burglary, theft, runaway behavior, etc. and is facing current charges of even more events that just keep accumulating because his needs are not being met. He is in a facility that has abused him physically as a way to control him. He has been thrown around while in handcuffs and shackles and he has had some memory blackouts during altercations with staff when he is extremely angry. I suspect that he is re-experiencing childhood trauma that he is not even aware of while being locked up in a jail cell that causes him to act out. He was kept in a room isolated as an infant and had little interaction with others and when he came to live with me I could never shut a door between us or he would become hysterical. I suspect being locked up in isolation as he is at this moment has not been good for him. I have pleaded to get him treatment as he has a kind and gentle heart but he doesn't show that to the world that he is forced to be involved with at this time. My questions are: 1) would his lock up trigger those past trauma events of his infancy? 2) where can my son go for help? I need a recommendation for the judge asap. 3) is there an advocacy program anywhere for children with RAD? I do not believe that continued institutionalization with the correctional facilities is going to help my child in becoming a productive member of society. Any help would be appreciated.
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I am online and found your site with regard to the book you offer to launch an adult child into the working and independent world. Although I would like to believe that my son will do this organically soon, and that he is not a victim of Aspergers or any level of autism, I find that MANY of the symptoms listed are those that I have dealt with for YEARS with my son. From the time he was just a young boy, he was ‘different’. But not SO different that I had him tested for something like this. I had him tested for other things – learning disabilities (negative) challenged in ‘processing information’, but not learning problem, hearing problems (negative) dr. said it’s a case of ‘selective hearing’, dyslexia (possibly), and so on… but through the years, I have just ‘known’ something is not quite right. And reading these symptoms of Aspergers and/or kids that function quite well with Autism, … I wonder. Is it possible?! I am not having him tested at this point.
I am buying your book just to see if there is anything in there that would describe him today at 24 years old. He lives at home, and I know he desires to move out. He has graduated College this past May with a BFA in Illustration (artist) and lived with us during college years. He has a job… not in the art field at this time, and not great pay, but he’s employed… none-the-less wants help with gas money still!!?? Almost like he’s afraid he won’t have the money even though he does. He has no student loans. Car is paid for. He talks of finding an apartment with friends, but then… nothing happens. Maybe it will! Maybe not.
Hopefully, your book will reveal answers. If not … at least I can cross that off the list, I suppose!
Anyway, thank you for any insight you may provide! If there is another book that would be more appropriate for me… give me that info as well!! I am convinced there is a way I can communicate with my son so that it doesn’t frustrate both of us to no end.
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My 3 1/2 year old has been followed by an early intervention program from 18 months old until he aged out at age 3 - receiving general therapy, OT, and speech. At that time he was evaluated by my county’s Special Ed office to determine eligibility to receive further services. He was not deemed “deficient enough” to receive services because his “high scores far offset his low scores.” He was evaluated for autism by a medical center specializing in these disorders. I was told that he would probably “fit” in the Aspergers category but that condition no longer exists within the autism spectrum.
We try to find activities on our own to help him. Currently his is part of a therapeutic music program and a therapeutic horse riding program. He also attends a preschool - he is above average in his knowledge but struggles with the social aspect. He has been biting at his school (and only at school) since he was about 2 years old. When this began, he was biting about once a week. During the past year, I was pregnant and on bed rest for the last 4 months of my pregnancy. His biting increased to a couple times a week. The baby is almost 6 months old and my 3 1/2 year old still has not adjusted to his brother. I cannot leave them alone without supervision. My 3 1/2 year old has dumped the baby out of his swing and baby chair, head butted him, thrown things at him (he also does this when they are side by side in their carseats) —— and his biting at school has dramatically increased. Now it has become a daily occurrence - and sometimes more than once a day. We have not been able to identify any specific event that prompts the biting - he does not have to be angry to bite — sometimes it is totally unprovoked. It happens when he is in small groups, large groups, inside, outside, morning, afternoon, quiet times or noisy times. If it is an anger issue (another child playing with a toy he wants), then the bite can be very bad, with him actually dragging his teeth across the child’s arm, back, face - where ever his teeth have made contact. We have tried everything we can think of and his teachers at the preschool try to work with him as well. We have used time out, read stories about biting, explained how it hurts and how it makes his friends feel — we have even spanked. We have tried changing up his routine, removing any toys that might have caused a sharing problem… I could list more but the point is that we just do not know want to do.
I think we are “in the forest and can’t see the trees.” Do you have any suggestions or advice on what we need to do to help him stop biting at this point? I somehow think that he has done it for so long that it has almost become a habit. It is almost as if he seems to thinks that biting is what is expected of him when he goes to preschool. Other than preschool, he does not bite. I have tried to find services (such as anger management, etc) but my area is so limited. There is one program that could help him. I have spoken to the therapist at length but my insurance will not pay and their costs are exorbitant.
I am a high school teacher but feel so helpless when it comes to my own child. Dad loves his son but is passive and we have completely different views on discipline - his is to ignore it and hopefully it will go away! My parents live close by and my son adores them. They seem to be able to do much more with him than I am able to and he responds differently to them than he does to me. They have also tried to address this problem with him but have not had success either.
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Hi mark,
I read all of your articles and have been for years . I've found them very helpful I've been struggling with a problem for several years now and I just can't figure out how it solve it:
I am separated 2 years, divorced 1 and my 10 year old son ( mild aspire) yells at me. I have no one here to take up for me besides his younger and older brothers and that's not their job. If something doesnt go his way he yls things at me like: " I hate you! You're a jerk!! This is why I'd rather be at dad's house, and even obscenities sometimes." He yells at me so loudly it hurts my ears and honestly I'm afraid he may hurt me someday, on impulse. I've tried to ignore him, take away his iPad, I even prevented him from attending football practice last night. It seems those things just make him madder. Any advice? He also yells at his brothers . But I'm the main target of abuse.
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Hello Mr. Hutten
Please read the previous email below if possible to put the things in context.
After reading your book I will say my son is of subtypes Rule Oriented, Predominately OCD with anxiety and inattention.
Last few years we have worked with a few therapists and most of them have said that they infrequently meet kids who are so rigid emotionally.
Now the latest issue is last year kid missed 45 days of school, so he missed mid-term tests. He wasted whole summer watching RERUNS of TV shows and even did not meet with the teacher we hired for SAT. Now kid is sad as unlike other kids he missed midterm tests last year. He says he is upset/sad as he DID not work for college/SAT like other kids during summer. Tries to live too much in the past. One word to describe him carries 'too much emotional baggage'. We say ok you missed in past , we can still catch up, let us do now, then he won’t do anything.
One more item worth mentioning, although behind in reading comprehension, but on Wikipedia he can read many pages about TV shows of his interest. But yesterday he has to read a few pages about school rules, then he gave us a lot of grief.
The question I need your opinion on is if we put such kid in so called therapeutic school (he will be unwilling). As per your opinion or calculated guess do such kids improve or become worse.
If you have any recommendation of therapeutic school on east coast for such kid please share.
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Good morning:
I wanted to ask whether you think your program would be an effective s.s. training module
for teachers to employ. I teach autistic students in a self contained classroom -several of
whom are high functioning. All are established communicators and range in age from 8 to
11 years old. They are in desperate need of s.s. training (bully each other, verbally abusive,
physically abusive if not separated). I need to find a good program and haven't yet. Any
advice is appreciated.
Regards,
Vicki F.
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Mark, I am writing this at a very vulnerable time. We have a 12 almost 13 year old aspergers son. We changed him from a mainstream school in 4th grade to a school where we thought he would get more individual help with reading comprehension. He was well adjusted and everyone in his class was wonderful.He laughed and talked alot. At the next school for children with special needs he got to where he was quiet at school but very animated and talked alot at home and with family. So, now we have mainstreamed him again and he is repeating 6th grade again due to getting behind at the special needs school. He began throwing up this summer in all the trashcans around the house but told me he had a migraine. After a few weeks I knew this was not true and he told us he was anxious about going to a new school. He asked what if no one likes me. Then I caught him making himself throw up . that blew me away. How did he even know about that? Also, he became so ugly and mean. Calling me stupid, dumb and a bitch. He told his aunt tonight that he hated her then said he was sorry and did not know why he did that. Also , he is urinating in his playroom and room for no reason but sometimes because he is mad at me. He has shaved off both of his eyebrows and again for no reason. We have been to see the psychologist and she can not get a handle on this. He does hate me right now as he told the psych. He urinated this morning in his room for no reason and now I am making him clean it up. At school, they have assigned some boys to include him and this has been great. He is drinking a caffeinated drink at lunch which helps keep him awake for the afternoon. His grades are good with us studying for hours together daily. When he gets in the car and I ask him about his day he tells me to be quiet, he wants silence. He does strength training on tuesdays and thursdays and guitar on Wed. He is musically talented. He is adopted so I do not know alot about his background. He is on Focalin 150 mg and clonipin ,25 prn and Vyvanse. I give him Melatonin 10 mg at night for sleep. It takes him a long time to go to sleep. And YES, I have been screaming back and cursing--I have about lost my mind. I want to do whatever it takes to get him back on track. I want my sweet talkative fella back or something that is manageble. I don't want to lose him. He still has times that he is sweet and loving.
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Dear Mark,
My son, Hunter was diagnosed with AS in 2006, once he got the assessment, he hasn't being reassessed, this is despite Hunters teachers say he tends to cycle in his behavior, he frequently talks to himself on both sides of the conversation. Even laughing a good hardly laugh at what one side said or conversely getting upset. He says he hears voices in his head. He has had oppositional defiant leading to violent out busts of wanting to hit, kill, bomb, etc. He has sexualised behavior at home and school and in public. We are more concerned for our sons safety and reaching his full potential than having a label. He is now 13, big and strong so we need to get a handle on the best way to help him sooner rather than later.
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We adopted our son Marcus when he was 2 1/2. In hindsight, I can see much of the high functioning Asperger's signs from the beginning. He will be 15 in November and we have had a lot of trouble with him through the years. He presents very much like Reactive Attachment Disorder and was severely abused and neglected before we got him. He has spent time in residential facilities because of acting out against younger siblings and making it a very unsafe environment, all the while, being treated as if it were RAD. During the last time at the residential facility and then with his most recent counselor, now back at home, I have had two separate counselors suggest that he may be high functioning Asperger's because of his lack of empathy toward his victims, unable to keep eye contact, comforting behaviors, among many other things.
My question is, should we test him for it and add one more label to him (which is already difficult for him) or for now, read more books like yours and educate ourselves on living with and helping a child with Asperger's? He also has epilepsy, but is otherwise very healthy physically.
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Thank you so much!! I have read some parts of the book today. When I get more read, I will probably pay the fee to be able to email you on a regular basis. Thank you for what you do!! It's amazing how much many of the characteristics of Asperger's and RAD look the same, but I feel like this is answering all the other questions that we have had that didn't seem to have an answer before!
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Hi,
My names natasha and I live in england. My son who is now 10 years old was diagnosed with HFA in 2009. I have watched your video and it has given me a clarification of how my son's mind works. I always felt I understood him but would find myself getting frustrated when he would argue points with me. I can see the reason behind this now and hopefully will manage situations better from now on.
My son appears to live in what I call a fantasy world, he mimics actions and sayings from books and tv and can not seem to understand that some things he does is not exceptable. It is like the world of tv and reality murge together. Would it be adviced to maybe reduce what kind of tv he watches though I don't want to completely restrict him from watching shows that other children his age would watch, or do I refer to some fact based information for him to reference the behavior he observes through tv and books to that of what is exceptable in society.
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Hi Mark,
Thank you so much for being a resource for people like me. My son Micah, is 11 and has a speech disability and autism. This is a double-whammy, and now he is in 5th grade there are challenges compounding. I believe this will only worsen if I do not find the right interventions.
Micah has come a long way and his age helps him become more self-confident is some ways, but generalizing school rules is a challenge. He is in the general classroom around 90% of the time, has an average intelligence (brilliant in many abstract ways beyond his years and concrete thinking is strong) and can answer questions when being called or even volunteers to answer questions. He is extremely aware of his speech disability and there are some consonant blends that have never been produced, and is afraid the outside world will never understand or accept his speech. This is a very painful issue for me to watch him go through...yes I am the mom! But I also can confirm this is painful for him as well, due to his tears always after school in the truck on the way home.
I am a college student and my major is special education...four class countdown for my BS! The major was chosen for me, and I am very grateful that I am in school to keep up with my son and to be the greatest intervention he has. Unfortunately, this was a Utopian thought and I am desperate to find the next step for Micah because his progress, or the lack of is out of my knowledge of abilities.
Micah has never created a basic knowledge of making friends. He has never constructed that first experience of walking up to a child and asking them if he could play with them. I know that once he has done this, he can begin to scaffold this new experience and create more social experiences from the foundation experience. Of course I sit on the sidelines and guide and even tried to role play..."okay, Micah, I am Jacob and throwing a ball to another boy and you walk up to me and say can I throw the ball with you guys...." nope, he is too smart and old to intervene like that because he just rolls his eyes at me! Today his special ed. director called me and said, "Micah was crawling on the bathroom stalls AGAIN and sprayed a child with sink water, for the third and final time. He cannot go to the bathroom without an adult." Micah knows he was wrong but I am not sure if he FEELS what it is like to be wrong. Therefore, am I wrong to continue my positive behavior interventions...basically ignore the bad but reward the good????? I discuss the accepted behaviors that he needs to conform to, but I also do not ground him or take away things for days. I have always though discussing and really watching for his affirmative responses gives me good reason to believe he understands in that moment. But if a student is giving him attention by either encouraging the bad or just watching him mess around, he is so starving for attention, he will throw out the rules to gain that attention.
I have seen no benefit to disciplining him for more than a few hours at a time because his sense of time is pretty much in the moment.
I do not think he is generalizing the bathroom rules, or any rules it seems, at times. I think this is a convenience issue for him, but also when he appears to be getting any attention from students, he goes over the top with that particular behavior. He does not require a behavioral intervention plan, so he is not EBD by any means. But I have always known in my gut that if he will continue to never make friends and become so isolated he will begin to have behavior issues, simply due to the rational idea that if we don't receive good attention, we will create bad attention. No one wants to be alone, period. How much learning can you really have when you go to a building for 7 hours, without one person that you call your friend, and expect to be motivated to learn or even go to school. He has been to therapists, but again, he sits and is patient in the meeting, listening and even agreeing to what is being said, but I do not believe the information is being absorbed at all. He is an active learner, not a passive one and hands-on is the most effective.
I have pleaded with the school to help with social skills on the playground and lunchroom, where the rubber hits the road, socially speaking. This is the raw social opportunities that should be monitored. We can sit with Micah all day and explain social curriculum, is what they call it now, but within the natural environment of boy/boy, boy/girl interactions, he cannot bring himself to initiate, he can only reciprocate social invitations.
I could go on and on, but I believe that would be ineffective for you! I have explained just a smidgen of my confusion about my beautiful enigma, Micah Mosiah! He loves his horses, goats and puppy deeply. So I do know he has a very large capacity for feelings and compassion and can be an emotional caretaker for those who are sad. I am in need of guidance that bolsters his self-esteem, not disciplines the spirit out of him. This means getting inside his mind and speaking his language in order to effectively raise him and intervene during his most crucial years. I want to build on his amazing capabilities as an amazing person, but I do not believe I have authority/credibility in his mind to help guide him. This is why I reach out to you.
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My 26 year old high functioning Asperger's daughter plans to move to Houston, Texas with no place to stay. She will have $1100 with her and plans to stay in a hotel until she can find a place to stay. She doesn't have good common sense but we as her parents can't seem to stop her. She has already bought her plane ticket to go there next week. She is very depressed because all she can find here in Mansfield, Ohio is factory jobs. She used to live in the Twin Cities by herself but had lots of friends there and we had her come live with us in January after she graduated from college because people were stealing from her and also she couldn't handle her money. I don't know what to do because she says that Austin is a very safe place to live but in reality every big city has unsafe places. She also plans to get a job there too. My husband plans to move to Akron, Ohio next year where we have seen that she can get help for her Asperger's. She got herself diagnosed for Asperger's two years ago but says her friends don't realize she has it. It is obvious to us that she still acts like a child in some ways and that is why she has such a hard time finding a job. So what should we do so we can stop her from going to Texas next week? When we tried to talk to her about her needing help she had a meltdown at a restaurant.
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I want to thank you for sharing tips and suggestions for handling Asperger’s children. I had never even heard of this disorder until my grandson was diagnosed. I’ve felt lost, disappointed, sad, that my lovely grandson is afflicted with this confusing disorder, but your newsletter gives me hope.
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Dear Mr. Hutten,
I am writing you for help. I am starting to think I am the child of a parent with Aspergers. Is there any material you can recommend for me?
I am starting to suspect my father may have Aspergers. In any stressful situation he becomes distant. He is very charming and able to talk to customers that come into his business, but he struggles at lasting relationships. He can't hire employees because he becomes verbally abusive, and the only person he has that volunteered to help him, actually was using him and stealing from him. He is easily angered. He is very gullible to people who are trying to use him or lead him into harmful behavior, and despite all warnings will follow them. My mother and his children warning him seem to anger him and he becomes distant from us and goes more towards dangerous, bad people. His difficulty socializing makes him insecure and crave more the attention of these people. He can't prioritize family over "friends" and i think their drinking and bad lifestyle makes him feel temporarily "accepted" into a world he hasn't been able to enter into. I feel he is entering down a very dangerous road. Worse yet, he is taking my brother, who has actually been diagnosed with Aspergers, on this road with him.
I highly suspect my father has Aspergers. I want so badly to communicate to him. Do you know of any books for someone who has an Asperger parent? Should I read the books on Asperger Partners? What will help. I need to get the most info possible so I can improve my communication with him as soon as possible.
I should probably specify, that I am an adult, and so are my brother and sister. If we can learn how to help my father, we want to very much. I also want to help my adult brother with Aspergers (he was diagnosed as an adult). If I can improve my communication skills that would be great. I haven't really learned anything about how to communicate with Asperger people. I am highly use to the poor cognitive shifting, mindblindness, and weak central coherence you talk about, as I grew up with it with my father.
Any books you know of that can help with communication with people with Aspergers, I would greatly appreciate learning about.
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Dear Mark
I bought your ebook a while ago , ( but relatively recently in struggling to understand things) and it has been a real help and solace. I may be very wrong but I am pretty sure that my partner has traits all of which I recognise from your descriptions. We have struggled on and off for 17 years and have two lovely twin boys. Counselling of any sort always made things worse because my partner hated speaking in that forum. Sometimes I think I'm going mad ( at present) and find it hard to hold on to the fact that that phase will usually pass as if nothing had happened. As your book says, it feels very isolating because not easy to share with friends, especially as he will make a swift change from being cold and silent or snappy , to being gentle and fun in company.
I want to know if how and when I can ask him to take a diagnosis- for instance is there an Introductory test on the internet that he cd do? I remember about two years ago when the thought first came to me about aspergers, that I found one and answered what I thought might be his responses .. But I'm not sure what that one was now, and if it would be valid even if he were to answer. Is there anything that might be possible to introduce us to to dip a toe in the water? I did introduce the subject a while back but it has sort of been taboo, but every now and then he might mention something relating to that conversation - one of the twins has some traits but not many, but we have talked together about those.
I suppose I'm writing because at the moment I'm going through one of those isolated phases, and it just feels awful.I appreciate very much that you said support is out there so thank you for letting me write.
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I have come to believe that our 26-year-old may have Aspergers...or rather at this point, it has him. I have read that those with Aspergers can mask it. Our son has always been strong-willed and unique, but became increasingly irrational after reaching "legal adult age,"when he could refuse any help. It was not until then we recognized what I describe as "his brain short-circuiting."
We do not have health insurance, nor the income to afford help for our son. We do not know even where to start pursuing help, and who would diagnose aspergers. It would be tragic to take him to the wrong "professionals" who are con-artists or simply don't care about patients, only about money, and hand out prescriptions carelessly.
Can you explain how we start, what we need to know. I searched "how to help adult child w/aspergers and discovered your book, with your very helpful article about the book and adults with aspergers. But please, how do we first go about diagnosis with no money to pay for help for our son, who at last has expressed some level of willingness to acknowledge the possibility of aspergers?
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Dear Mr. Hutten,
Thank you for your help. Do you know any therapists that work with Aspergers in Colorado? Any lecturers you have seen at conferences or anything like that?
I like how you said that pediatricians are learning to listen more to the parents of autistic kids and listen to their 6th sense. I wish more therapists did. My mother has gone to a therapist with my father and begged the therapist to have my father tested for Aspergers, the therapist just considered her in a negative light and refused. If the therapist had tested this like my mother asked 10 years ago, our lives would have made a lot more sense. I hope you are promoting this idea to therapists too - to listen to couples in therapy and consider that perhaps the partner does have a 6th sense when they wonder if their spouse might have Aspergers.
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Dear Mark,
I found your name and email address on line while searching for
"better electronic games/show alternatives for aspergers/autistic
teens". My daughter is 17 and as is the case with many - has been
severely addicted to electronic mediums. I'm looking for better
alternatives to what she spends her time on now (addictive games like
Candy Crush) and below are level TV shows. She is engaged in many other
activities of course - special needs sports, piano, cheerleading, voice
lessons - many things. But during down time, electronics are where she
always ends up. Looking for better content. She was severely addicted to
POKEMON for about 8 years and this phase has finally subsided. Any
direction with actual names of shows, games for DS, IPAD or iphone would
be greatly appreciated.
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Hi Mark,
I currently subscribe to your articles about Asperger's
children. I am a therapist and work with a variety of children. More
often than lately, I have had "out of control" families come through my
door. I have had many years experience dealing with the teenaged child
as well as those that have additional issues like; trauma, depression,
ADHD, defiance, etc. The difference I see is what the parent puts into
the time outside of our sessions. But here is my dilemna...
many grandparents are raising troubled kids
many kids with horrid pasts see me as a reminder of the junk in their lives and are resistent to therapy
parents/family
members raising these kids seem "empty" when it comes to being
consistent and predictable....and they look to me for a fix rather than
being given support
I would love to subsribe to
your program about defiant children and be able to share the resources
with these families. I do not want to violate copy right laws or misuse
your product.
If you would rather me not be a facilitator;
using your product OPS, do you have any other materials that I could
use? I feel the need for something concrete....
feedback is appreciated
I enjoy your work
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I
am out of my element here lately. My son, age 16, was dx in second
grade. Other than some quirks we sailed along smoothly until about
Christmas time last
year (his first year in high school). He suddenly began failing a
couple of his classes. Apparently homework such as projects were
assigned and Colton simply did not do them. When questioned by his
teachers he would tell them he had done the assignment
but left it at home. He would tell me that he had already turned the
assignment in. Neither of these were true. The problem continued the
remainder of his freshman year and is now haunting us as this new school
year begins. For example, he had summer homework
in his advanced History class to read and take hand written notes on
the first 5 chapters of his book. He completed this but never turned
it in. Now the notes are lost. He is currently making a 15 in this
class, which is the subject of fascination for
him (he could write en encyclopedia on world events, world history,
foreign policies, etc.). I proceeded to have him redo the assignment.
Unfortunately, his reading is quite slow. Not because he has difficulty
with the words, but because he is so focused
on memorizing each and every thing on each and every page that he reads
and rereads over and over and over. It sometimes takes an hour to
complete one page. Needless to say, we do not have time for this. I
scheduled an ARD meeting last year and had a 504
put in place for him. But to date I have not noticed that this did one
thing for him. I make an appointment with a local psychologist that
specialized in Asperger’s by the name of Denise Wooten in Flower Mound,
TX. I am feeling as if I am failing him since
I am clueless as to what to do. I am a single parent and he has
basically no interaction with his father. He is extremely intelligent
so failing classes is just absurd to me. Especially since he has
consistently been an all A student up until last year.
PS
Discipline is a dreaded word at my house for him. The ONLY activity he
enjoys or is willing to participate in is his computer games which
allow him to
create his own European country and its government. He toys with
different ways to rule his “people”. I even hear him holding “Press
Conferences” with only himself announcing the birth of a new flag or
some other change he needs to pass along to them. When
the lying and forgetfulness began I at first attempted to deny him the
luxury of playing the game. The fit was horrendous. He is lost without
it. He hates TV, being outside for ANY reason, sports of all types,
anything that involves socializing, and reading
is a lost cause because of the intensity he puts into it. Therefore he
is adamant that he will just have to sit in his room and stare at the
walls. Truthfully, that is exactly what would happen. Plus, I truly
don’t feel as if he is purposely doing this.
His Vyvance wears off typically about the time school gets out. There
goes his concentration and focus. Plus all he can think about doing is
rushing home to play the game. Sleeping is also an issue. His internal
clock is completely off. He literally cannot
fall asleep at night. Once he does, it is not unusual for him to
awaken during the night. Another part of his meltdown when I attempted
to take his computer from him is the reasoning that he absolutely cannot
go to sleep with the computer to help him get
sleepy. Once this child has a thought or idea in his mind it is as if
it is chiseled in stone. There is just no reasoning with him. The
world is completely black or white. No in between. He was completely
convinced that he would never, ever go to sleep.
And I am telling you that he is probably correct. So I was between a
rock and a hard place. I honestly felt like taking the computer was
going to do more harm than good. But at the same time I don’t feel that
this should go without a consequence.
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Mr. Hutton,
My son Alex just started the 4th grade
and he is a highly functioning boy with Aspergers that was diagnosed by
the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia. We have mainstreamed him but
his homework is getting detailed enough that
it causes him panic attacks and episodes. He scored exceptional on his
PSST tests and does well in school but does not know how to interact
with kids at recess even though he excels in Tae Kwan Do as a blue belt,
chess club, cub scouts, and other organized
events and structures. For the first time this year we have requested a
504 plan but since school just started I do not know if that is
enough. I am thinking of having the school do an IEP because I think it
is too subjective to leave my son’s education
up to one homeroom teacher and to treat him as a “normal kid” at school
and then have my son have almost daily fears and episodes over homework
fears makes living with him very tough and the stress is unbearable for
the whole family.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mark,
I am a mother of an adult 28 year old son with Asperger’s who has an
interesting life story. You may wish to consider writing a book for PARENTS OF ADULTS WITH
ASPERGER’S regarding situations as the years go by.
Addressing the “latter years” when they are completely alone. With all the
famous doctor’s I have consulted with both around the world and over the years,
none see it clearer than you do. Your writing is excellent, a true gift to all
of us families trying to struggle with this illness.
Regardless, if you want to hear about my son’s path in life (Master’s
Degree and a 3.9 average) but socially stuck in a world that will not hire or
except him, I would be delighted to speak with you. Your book is the new Bible,
really.
You are a star
You have been able
to define clearly the the question we have been asking all these years.
What is wrong with my kid? Sounds simple - not really.
My husband has an associate in Israel and another in Toronto who are
refining & researching an early testing device for children with a variety
of autistic behaviours. We all care what you have to say and how well you say
it.
Thank you for your wonderful and effective writing on this delicate
subject.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mark,
Do you have any upcoming speaking engagements that I could bring a few thousand parents to
who need to hear your message? I am in Southern California a great deal of the time but would fly anywhere to hear you speak.
I could make you the next Dr. Phil, really.
I am an advocate, a 57 year old mother, and a seasoned marketing professional willing to provide a variety of resources to you (free) to put you where you belong, in front of an international audience.
Think about it please.
All the best,
Nancy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi,
I have a son who is 11. He is getting increasing violent at school. What do I tell them to do with him? They have him in a social communication classroom most of the day due to safety concerns for him and others. I have tried to talk to them that he is responding to stressors of his body as well as the stress of the middle school environment. They are looking to kick him out because of his threats of violence to staff and because he hits his head against the wall.
Any help would be appreciated. He is on an IEP and sees a pyschiatrist at Childrens Hospital but nothing seems to change no matter what medicine we try. He takes Ritalin for ADHD and a mood stabilizer as well as Abilify.
Please advise.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My partner has started getting rid of everything that causes his meltdowns (it only has to cause one meltdown and he will get rid of it)- me wearing his shirts, a sport that he used to love, paintings, trophies and other items in the house and now the cats sitting on his lap (the cat scratched him and now he wants them off his lap and nowhere near him). These things have all happened within the last two weeks. I have tried explaining to him that this is not the solution to his meltdowns not occuring or stopping them. He seems to think it is. Can you please tell me what the best thing to do is please? I am almost ready to leave. He wanted me to leave and take the cats too tonight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My 14 year old as already been grounded for a month for making pore choices. Sneaking out at night, hiring motorbikes and joyriding with her friends at night. She is also mucking up at school.so I have taken everything off her, Iphone etc, no friends over etc. last evening she had a total melt down as I would not let her stay at a friends house. I kept the poker face on and didn't raise my voice, she threatened to kill herself etc etc. I scored 98 on the quiz, no surprises for me as I know I am a push over of a mother.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello Mark,
It is quite long time I haven't contacted you...
That is because I started the DAN diet as you suggested.. plus vitamins. acheiving very good improvements in my son's behavoiur...
I was followed by a good DAN doctor which is not a pediatritian by the way.
At this point I need to be followed by a pediatritian familiar with autism in order to check if the amount of vitamins I give him is correct or not, what to stop or what to add. A pediatritian who would give me a list of analisys to do in order to check them on-line
Would you be able to give advices on that?
Thank you,
Maria
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Patrice
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi,
I have a son who is 11. He is getting increasing violent at school. What do I tell them to do with him? They have him in a social communication classroom most of the day due to safety concerns for him and others. I have tried to talk to them that he is responding to stressors of his body as well as the stress of the middle school environment. They are looking to kick him out because of his threats of violence to staff and because he hits his head against the wall.
Any help would be appreciated. He is on an IEP and sees a pyschiatrist at Childrens Hospital but nothing seems to change no matter what medicine we try. He takes Ritalin for ADHD and a mood stabilizer as well as Abilify.
Please advise.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My partner has started getting rid of everything that causes his meltdowns (it only has to cause one meltdown and he will get rid of it)- me wearing his shirts, a sport that he used to love, paintings, trophies and other items in the house and now the cats sitting on his lap (the cat scratched him and now he wants them off his lap and nowhere near him). These things have all happened within the last two weeks. I have tried explaining to him that this is not the solution to his meltdowns not occuring or stopping them. He seems to think it is. Can you please tell me what the best thing to do is please? I am almost ready to leave. He wanted me to leave and take the cats too tonight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My 14 year old as already been grounded for a month for making pore choices. Sneaking out at night, hiring motorbikes and joyriding with her friends at night. She is also mucking up at school.so I have taken everything off her, Iphone etc, no friends over etc. last evening she had a total melt down as I would not let her stay at a friends house. I kept the poker face on and didn't raise my voice, she threatened to kill herself etc etc. I scored 98 on the quiz, no surprises for me as I know I am a push over of a mother.
I also have an 11 year old son
who had a total meltdown on me last night as I had confiscated his ipad
as he is not reading enough. Kept the poker face on and didn't give in
and we watched a movie instead.
Any tips you have is much
appreciated, particularly with my daughter. We are an Australian family,
living in Thailand and the influences her are extreme on my children.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have a son who is almost 16 and I
used what I learned from your ebook to raise him. Up until he turned 15
he was a pretty good kid. After his 15th birthday he became sullen,
rude, ungrateful, secretive. Typical behavior for a teen boy but now I'm
facing the same problem I had with Anthony. When I expected him to
follow a rule he felt was unfair he chose to go live with his father
rather than accept the consequences. His father has been waiting for
this opportunity since the courts found him unfit to parent and gave me
custody 9 years ago.
Andrew stayed with his
father for 4 months (March to July) . During that time he spent half his
savings on junk food (apparently there wasn't much food in the house),
he shopliftted sunglasses, engaged in sexual activity with an 18 year
old, stayed out all hours of the night. I learned about those
activities by reading his text messages. When I confronted him about
what he was up to be admitted he was getting into trouble because he had
to much freedom at his dad's. After that he decided to move back to my
house. His behavior improved greatly.
On
August 29th Andrew stayed at his father's while my husband and I went on
a 2 week vacation. When we returned home Andrew continued sleeping at
his father's. I asked him why he wasn't coming home and he told me he
decided to live 50/50 at each of our houses. I asked him what the
schedule would be and he said he wanted to come and go as he pleased. I
told him that didn't work for me but he said his dad didn't have a
problem with it. I decided to deal with his impractical living
arrangement plan by showing him how impractical it was. I called him at
his dad's and reminded him he had chores to do. He refused to come home
to do it so I said " if you choose not to do your chore today, you lose
your phone for 3 days until you do your chores. The next day I went to
his school to take the phone from him. He refused to give it to me and
suggested I call the police to get it back. When he said he was coming
to get his PS3 I told him he was not allowed to come in my house or have
anything in it until he gave me the phone and did his chores and
apologized to me. He or his father must've entered my house while we
were out because his game console is gone now.
I just called Children’s Aid, your equivalent to CPS, to request their help. They said they can try to meditate the situation. I
am at a loss for what else I can do. Any advice would be appreciated
and I wanted to ask if I am still eligible to use the online parent
support group. I can't see how to access it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello Mark,
It is quite long time I haven't contacted you...
That is because I started the DAN diet as you suggested.. plus vitamins. acheiving very good improvements in my son's behavoiur...
I was followed by a good DAN doctor which is not a pediatritian by the way.
At this point I need to be followed by a pediatritian familiar with autism in order to check if the amount of vitamins I give him is correct or not, what to stop or what to add. A pediatritian who would give me a list of analisys to do in order to check them on-line
Would you be able to give advices on that?
Thank you,
Maria
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Dr. Hutten,
Good evening. I have been
researching Aspergers and I came across your name several times. I find
myself in a unique situation that I hope you may be able to help with.
My boyfriend of 3 1/2 years has a 13 year old son that was diagnosed
with Aspergers at the age of 10. He has sole custody of his son. Over
the past year, things have deteriorated SIGNIFICANTLY as far as behavior
in general. He's hopelessly addicted to any and all electronics, he
steals, he lies, he is manipulative and defiant, he's extremely violent
and when he doesn't get what he wants, he has extreme tantrums (NOT
meltdowns because he can turn it off at the drop of a hat). He has
tried every method of traditional parenting there is, and the situation
is getting progressively worse. The child is not taking any medication,
but his father is giving him multiple supplements.
I
do not live with my boyfriend, but we are seriously talking about
marriage, and I cannot even consider marrying and moving in with this
man that I love because very honestly, I'm afraid of this child. He
attacks his father and has caused him physical harm on a number of
occasions lately. I'm really afraid that the violence is going to
escalate because he is going through puberty and will be bigger than his
father soon. As it is now, this child has no fear of repercussions or
consequences.
I desperately want to help my
boyfriend at least try to get a handle on this situation. I would
appreciate anything you can suggest that we can try. I look forward to
hearing from you.
Sincerely,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mr. Hutten,
I just wanted to take a
moment and thank you for all the excellent articles you have written
related person's with Aspergers or HFA.
I have a
lovely 31 year old daughter who is a curious, funny, hard working a
great helper, has a big heart and also has a disability of Autism.
This
past year has been one of much growth for my daughter, but many
transitions. As you know, transitions can be hard for anyone, much less a
person with Autism. The types of challenges we have experienced are not
easily addressed by counselors who have not had the benefit of working
with person's with different disabilities. My daughter was very
triggered by the mental health issues of a person that moved into her
group home. This situation was not acknowledged or handled well by staff
and we recently moved to another group home.
Many
times in the last year I have turned to your site for answers to more
fully support my daughter or to help the Adults with ALL abilities I
work with at an Adaptive Recreation program. Your respectful well
thought out articles have been a great comfort to me as well as a source
of hope. I am passing on your web site to my boss at Adapted Recreation
for possible use in Disability Awareness Training of camp staff for
next year's summer camp.
Thank you again for all you do.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark,
I came across your website and resources. I recently founded Mansfield Hall, a learning and living community for diverse learners who are seeking a college degree. We work with many students on the spectrum and provide comprehensive services. We are located in Burlington, VT and are opening a location in Madison, WI. I thought I would reach out and say hello and to see if there were any ways we could collaborate in the future.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi, I just ran across your site. Very informative. I have an 11 yr old son. We have had him since birth. We were foster parents for 17yrs for mostly the infants. He was born addicted to meth, has had alot of sensory issues. I pulled him out of school after 5th grade to homeschool him this year his 6th yr. He was just diagnosed two months ago with aspergers. I am 58 years old and am trying to figure out what is the best curriculum and way to teach Julian. He also has vision disabilites. I was trying the Easy Peasy free online homeschool curriculum, but it has so much reading. He just does not get math. Soooooo do you have any suggestions for me? Curriculum? how to? Anything would be greatly appreciated. I feel quite inadequate, but know I can do this if given some direction.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our 16year old son is type1diabetic. He has also been diagnosed AdHdOdd. We had him tested a while back to see if he is bipolar because his mom is. This specialist said he is bipolar with tendencies to show borderline personality traits.We recently had him retested by a different specialist we were sent to.Garrett did their test on computer and on paper. Then he sent these booklets home for all of his caregivers to fill out. We did so and returned them to the doc. A few days ago we got a letter from the specialists office. He rules out bipolar, confirms ADHDODD, confirms tendencies to show borderline personality traits, and says Garrett also has Aspergers. Is this testing all done on paper or is there oyher testing we need to look into to confirm Aspergers?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark,
Thanks for your generous offer of responding to an email. I have read your book and appreciated the contents. It would be great if you could comment, however briefly on my current scenario.
I met Frank online dating about 4-5 months ago. He pursued my quite keenly and seemed besotted by my photos. I thought him a little dull and lame at first with an odd sense of humor, but he was sweet and I was intrigued enough to meet up with him after an intense 10 days of emails and very long phone calls. Frank works as a lawyer in a regional area about an hour’s drive from my home in Cairns in Far North Queensland, Australia. He is 43 and I am 51, but the age difference didn’t seem an issue as the last guy I dated was 42 and I consider myself quite young in mind and appearance. At our first visit he bought up the fact that he was quite OCD about his beautiful house he had just built which was obvious as he always sweeping and wiping surfaces and he said straight out that he had Asperger’s traits. At the time I had only had experience with a few Asperger’s children and teenagers and did not know yet the implications with adults and was pretty quickly swept into a very intense romance, we stayed over with each other on weekends and he would call most nights for an hour or more and we would communicate via email and more calls during the day. Frank met my two grown children and was so taken with them that he said he would like to adopt them, except he would not like the expense they caused.
He is very money conscious. His special interest is mechanical things, trucks, particularly Western Star Trucks which was good for us as I have a close connection to the company as I buy these trucks for the mine I work for.
This went on for about 3 ½ months and the only real issue a couple of reference to the fact that he was still caught up in memories of his ex-partner, who he had been broken with for 2 years after a three year relationship which had also been a mainly a week end relationship as she had lived in Cairns also at the time. I began to notice a change in his general mood, he seemed down and tired and to be struggling a little, when he was suddenly slammed with several major stresses at the same time. His work load seemed to increase in volume and stress due to numerous hearings, his parent left for overseas for several months ( he has a very close relationship with his mother) and left him with a commercial premises to manage and out of the blue he received an email form his ex saying she was moving back to Cairns to attend her sick mother and would like to discuss a letter he had sent some months prior regarding them getting back together and would he be able to help her set up her new rental home.
Frank immediately told me about this and stated it had completely overwhelmed him and he could not stay committed to me while considered a future with his former partner and that he would definitely be helping her with her move at the very least.
We have stayed in touch with a couple of visits, emails and phone calls from him to me since then which is about 6 weeks ago. Frank went back to counselling to deal with his anxiety and also to try to move forward from his previous relationship, however in this part of the world, there is really only one psychologist with training in Adult Aspergers and he is just seeing some sort of counsellor in his home town and I am not sure of her qualifications.
I invited myself to lunch at his house last weekend as I missed him, wanted to see how he was faring and wanted to reinforce my positon that I was still in love with him and to get some clarity on his position. To be concise after a nice lunch I pushed for some clarification and he stated he is not ready for a relationship with anyone, has had minimal contact with his ex-partner, had not seen her and his counsellor was suggesting he keep to this and to gain his confidence back in everyday things first, take care of his own needs and reassess later. He said that knowing how I feel about him places pressure on him to hurry up and make a choice or whatever. Also, that he was trying to accept that a future with his ex-partner was not going to happen, even if he attempted this he thought he would be back in the same position in a period of time and he could not do that again. He has gone out of his way to reassure me of the fact that things are not going anywhere with her, but also said he could not ask me to put my life on hold for him either.
He seemed quite happy and cheerful and to be coping well and keeping very occupied with his interests, friends and his house, until we tackled the hard stuff. I stayed unemotional outwardly at least, just put the facts forward from my side and was ready to leave when he suddenly broke down and showed quite a bit of emotion and we hugged and comforted each other until I headed off with him promising to call this week end.
My gut feeling though, is that I won’t hear from him for some time and that I will leave it at that and give him the time and space he has asked for. I have read quite a bit on this complex disorder now and feel like I would like to leave the door open for a future relationship with him, but I will have to give it time and be prepared for some ongoing work. I am quite at ease with it all now, surprisingly enough.
Would appreciate any comments you might have.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My 16 year old daughter just got her license on Saturday. She has had a school permit to drive back & forth to school for almost a year. Now that she has her intermediate license our insurance went up dramatically and we pay for a good grade deduction if her grades are A & B. She had a C+ on last Friday and she was blaming the teacher for not getting 2 more assignments up 'and then it would be a B-. We let her talk to the teacher and her grade was up to a B on Wednesday. She now has 2 B-'s and it's a slippery slope but it isn't our place to talk with her teachers (it is hers). A parent can be too helicopter in the powerschool (they are posted as assignments/test/quizzes come in daily) with grades & they can change daily so it's tough from day to day. She knows what is expected of her to be able to do the fun things she wants to do & drive. I costs us a bunch extra in car insurance PLUS if she doesn't hold an A B average and she doesn't have a job to even pay for gas. What is your view on this? Should a teen pay for gas out of their license?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I found your page for your e-book...
-I don't know- that I want to remain married to my husband. There is no longer any upside.
When we were first together there was so much he promised -- and he was very loving -- yet those promises, and all the promises he's made since all proved meaningless.
There are an awful lot of complications in separating, including that I haven't worked in 25 years. (My former husband did not want me working but staying home).
So that's scary.
Yet I feel I may lose my mind if I remain.
I have been with my (current) husband six years.
He lost his job after the first year - but for 2 jobs (each lasting 3-5 months) he has not worked nor looked for work otherwise.
I had been an extremely social person, but because my husband acts immaturely and awkwardly I have not had anyone to my home but once in the last two years.
He makes extremely poor decisions and is steeped deeply in denial.
He has to file BK but can not afford to.
He is so terribly messy and unorganized and that causes endless issues. It is like living with Dennis the Menace meets Pig Pen.
In this last year he has become terribly petty, forgetful, argumentative... and continually makes ridiculous (maddening) excuses ...
He is entirely unreasonable and unrealistic.
I have sacrificed everything I have to him.... yet he has no friends, has painted himself into a corner, and I feel responsible for him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark,
I came across your website and resources. I recently founded Mansfield Hall, a learning and living community for diverse learners who are seeking a college degree. We work with many students on the spectrum and provide comprehensive services. We are located in Burlington, VT and are opening a location in Madison, WI. I thought I would reach out and say hello and to see if there were any ways we could collaborate in the future.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi, I just ran across your site. Very informative. I have an 11 yr old son. We have had him since birth. We were foster parents for 17yrs for mostly the infants. He was born addicted to meth, has had alot of sensory issues. I pulled him out of school after 5th grade to homeschool him this year his 6th yr. He was just diagnosed two months ago with aspergers. I am 58 years old and am trying to figure out what is the best curriculum and way to teach Julian. He also has vision disabilites. I was trying the Easy Peasy free online homeschool curriculum, but it has so much reading. He just does not get math. Soooooo do you have any suggestions for me? Curriculum? how to? Anything would be greatly appreciated. I feel quite inadequate, but know I can do this if given some direction.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our 16year old son is type1diabetic. He has also been diagnosed AdHdOdd. We had him tested a while back to see if he is bipolar because his mom is. This specialist said he is bipolar with tendencies to show borderline personality traits.We recently had him retested by a different specialist we were sent to.Garrett did their test on computer and on paper. Then he sent these booklets home for all of his caregivers to fill out. We did so and returned them to the doc. A few days ago we got a letter from the specialists office. He rules out bipolar, confirms ADHDODD, confirms tendencies to show borderline personality traits, and says Garrett also has Aspergers. Is this testing all done on paper or is there oyher testing we need to look into to confirm Aspergers?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark,
Thanks for your generous offer of responding to an email. I have read your book and appreciated the contents. It would be great if you could comment, however briefly on my current scenario.
I met Frank online dating about 4-5 months ago. He pursued my quite keenly and seemed besotted by my photos. I thought him a little dull and lame at first with an odd sense of humor, but he was sweet and I was intrigued enough to meet up with him after an intense 10 days of emails and very long phone calls. Frank works as a lawyer in a regional area about an hour’s drive from my home in Cairns in Far North Queensland, Australia. He is 43 and I am 51, but the age difference didn’t seem an issue as the last guy I dated was 42 and I consider myself quite young in mind and appearance. At our first visit he bought up the fact that he was quite OCD about his beautiful house he had just built which was obvious as he always sweeping and wiping surfaces and he said straight out that he had Asperger’s traits. At the time I had only had experience with a few Asperger’s children and teenagers and did not know yet the implications with adults and was pretty quickly swept into a very intense romance, we stayed over with each other on weekends and he would call most nights for an hour or more and we would communicate via email and more calls during the day. Frank met my two grown children and was so taken with them that he said he would like to adopt them, except he would not like the expense they caused.
He is very money conscious. His special interest is mechanical things, trucks, particularly Western Star Trucks which was good for us as I have a close connection to the company as I buy these trucks for the mine I work for.
This went on for about 3 ½ months and the only real issue a couple of reference to the fact that he was still caught up in memories of his ex-partner, who he had been broken with for 2 years after a three year relationship which had also been a mainly a week end relationship as she had lived in Cairns also at the time. I began to notice a change in his general mood, he seemed down and tired and to be struggling a little, when he was suddenly slammed with several major stresses at the same time. His work load seemed to increase in volume and stress due to numerous hearings, his parent left for overseas for several months ( he has a very close relationship with his mother) and left him with a commercial premises to manage and out of the blue he received an email form his ex saying she was moving back to Cairns to attend her sick mother and would like to discuss a letter he had sent some months prior regarding them getting back together and would he be able to help her set up her new rental home.
Frank immediately told me about this and stated it had completely overwhelmed him and he could not stay committed to me while considered a future with his former partner and that he would definitely be helping her with her move at the very least.
We have stayed in touch with a couple of visits, emails and phone calls from him to me since then which is about 6 weeks ago. Frank went back to counselling to deal with his anxiety and also to try to move forward from his previous relationship, however in this part of the world, there is really only one psychologist with training in Adult Aspergers and he is just seeing some sort of counsellor in his home town and I am not sure of her qualifications.
I invited myself to lunch at his house last weekend as I missed him, wanted to see how he was faring and wanted to reinforce my positon that I was still in love with him and to get some clarity on his position. To be concise after a nice lunch I pushed for some clarification and he stated he is not ready for a relationship with anyone, has had minimal contact with his ex-partner, had not seen her and his counsellor was suggesting he keep to this and to gain his confidence back in everyday things first, take care of his own needs and reassess later. He said that knowing how I feel about him places pressure on him to hurry up and make a choice or whatever. Also, that he was trying to accept that a future with his ex-partner was not going to happen, even if he attempted this he thought he would be back in the same position in a period of time and he could not do that again. He has gone out of his way to reassure me of the fact that things are not going anywhere with her, but also said he could not ask me to put my life on hold for him either.
He seemed quite happy and cheerful and to be coping well and keeping very occupied with his interests, friends and his house, until we tackled the hard stuff. I stayed unemotional outwardly at least, just put the facts forward from my side and was ready to leave when he suddenly broke down and showed quite a bit of emotion and we hugged and comforted each other until I headed off with him promising to call this week end.
My gut feeling though, is that I won’t hear from him for some time and that I will leave it at that and give him the time and space he has asked for. I have read quite a bit on this complex disorder now and feel like I would like to leave the door open for a future relationship with him, but I will have to give it time and be prepared for some ongoing work. I am quite at ease with it all now, surprisingly enough.
Would appreciate any comments you might have.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My 16 year old daughter just got her license on Saturday. She has had a school permit to drive back & forth to school for almost a year. Now that she has her intermediate license our insurance went up dramatically and we pay for a good grade deduction if her grades are A & B. She had a C+ on last Friday and she was blaming the teacher for not getting 2 more assignments up 'and then it would be a B-. We let her talk to the teacher and her grade was up to a B on Wednesday. She now has 2 B-'s and it's a slippery slope but it isn't our place to talk with her teachers (it is hers). A parent can be too helicopter in the powerschool (they are posted as assignments/test/quizzes come in daily) with grades & they can change daily so it's tough from day to day. She knows what is expected of her to be able to do the fun things she wants to do & drive. I costs us a bunch extra in car insurance PLUS if she doesn't hold an A B average and she doesn't have a job to even pay for gas. What is your view on this? Should a teen pay for gas out of their license?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I found your page for your e-book...
-I don't know- that I want to remain married to my husband. There is no longer any upside.
When we were first together there was so much he promised -- and he was very loving -- yet those promises, and all the promises he's made since all proved meaningless.
There are an awful lot of complications in separating, including that I haven't worked in 25 years. (My former husband did not want me working but staying home).
So that's scary.
Yet I feel I may lose my mind if I remain.
I have been with my (current) husband six years.
He lost his job after the first year - but for 2 jobs (each lasting 3-5 months) he has not worked nor looked for work otherwise.
I had been an extremely social person, but because my husband acts immaturely and awkwardly I have not had anyone to my home but once in the last two years.
He makes extremely poor decisions and is steeped deeply in denial.
He has to file BK but can not afford to.
He is so terribly messy and unorganized and that causes endless issues. It is like living with Dennis the Menace meets Pig Pen.
In this last year he has become terribly petty, forgetful, argumentative... and continually makes ridiculous (maddening) excuses ...
He is entirely unreasonable and unrealistic.
I have sacrificed everything I have to him.... yet he has no friends, has painted himself into a corner, and I feel responsible for him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I
was wondering if you knew of any resources that could help with
Aspergers and employment. My 39-year-old boyfriend has chronic
employment issues and has currently been out of work for 2.5 years. I
am 41, we have been together for 2 years, but I don't feel the
relationship can move on unless he sorts out these problems. I don't
want the stress of him living with me, and I don't want to have kids
with him. Obviously like most people I wanted those things from a
relationship, but if he does not have a secure working life, then maybe I
should be with someone else.
He
has been surviving on unemployment benefit and an inheritance from his
father. But now that money has almost run out, and he will
probably shortly go and live with his 70-year-old mother hundreds of
miles away. Poor her. He has been doing standup comedy with some
success, but it is unrealistic to think that this could provide a secure
income - he needs a day job, quite frankly.
I
can see there is advice for parents of adult Aspies re: unemployment
i.e. don't enable them. I can see that there is also advice for spouses
of Aspies re: the relationship.
But
our relationship is quite good - we argue respectfully. But I honestly
feel I cannot continue in the relationship until he sorts out his job
issues for the long term. I cannot afford to support him - I need to
provide for myself, both now and in old age. Do you know of any support/advice?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
QUESTION:
Dear Mark,
I recently purchased your ebook "Asperger
Partner"'and found it very insightful. I have a undiagnosed Aspie
girlfriend who lives in California, and I in Michigan. We see each
other at least every three weeks for at least 10 days at a time, and
communicate daily (text or phone). Two problems I am facing. #1. She
refuses to accept Aspergers as as part of her life,and finds it very
hurtful that anyone (particularly me) would think that. She thinks its a
mental illness. However, it has defined her entire life. She
acknowledges the problems and difficulties, but not the "A" word. #2.
I am here in California for at least a week while she recuperates from
knee replacement surgery. We are only a few days into this and the
stress is almost unbearable. And she becomes sarcastic and insulting if
I try to tell her how I feel. Frankly I want to up and leave, but she
has no friends to speak of, and would be helpless and "abandoned". Any
general advice? I am siting alone, on the couch with my iPad, and as
exhausted as I am (as caregiver, nurse, boyfriend, chef, etc), this is
the best part of my day and I wish it could never end. I so agree with
you that an loving an aspie partner can be a growth experience, a
spiritual, one for certain, but I feel so strained and inadequate, which
is difficult territory for me. I feel like a trapped animal. Any
advice or words of wisdom or encouragement would be deeply appreciated.
ANSWER:
Well... You've tried to suggest that she has Aspergers. If she
rejects that notion, then you've done your part. The rest is up to her.
Don't take ownership of it any longer.
Sounds like you will need to set some healthy emotional boundaries. In other words, think about (and maybe put in writing) the behavior from her that you are willing to tolerate -- and the behavior you're not willing to tolerate. Let her know what these parameters are. When she crosses those boundaries, then take a time out away from her. Also, I think you are taking on too much responsibility for her social life. Which is your issue! Maybe look at yourself!! What is it in YOU that makes you feel this unreasonable amount of responsibility? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Question: I decided to let you know about an incident that happened this morning at breakfast, while it is still fresh on my mind. This is not an isolated incident; it has happened before, and not only at mealtimes. My husband and I were eating, when Daniel angrily told his dad "Stop!" My husband asked what he was doing, and Daniel said "You know!" My husband didn't know what to do, so he continued eating. Daniel again told him to stop. My husband told Daniel that he would lose all his electronics for the day if he said it again. Well, Daniel made an angry sound, but he did not say anything. When my husband said the electronics were gone, Daniel started to cry. Since Daniel is very literal, I think he thought he would only lose electronics if he uttered angry words. So we let him have his electronics back. Daniel said he thinks it is unfair that we punish him for things he cannot help. When my husband or I do these "forbidden" things, Daniel has to pray for us. His praying involves having us be quiet while he closes his eyes to pray. We do not hear any words, and he won't tell us what he is praying. Sometimes he moves his lips or his head. As I said before, this happens other places as well. (I wonder if he prays at school.) We have "walked on eggshells" for years to avoid his outbursts of anger. Daniel usually apologizes after these incidents and says he loves us; and he did that this morning before he went to school. Answer: Look into Misophonia... sounds like your son may be suffering from that. If so, you may be punishing him for something that is out of his control. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hello Mark, Thank you for your auto response. Our son, Carter, was officially diagnosed about a month ago. I say, officially, because, I have suspected and "asked" all the doctors he has seen over the years, and although I do not believe they ruled it out, they did not confirm, until now. In any cast, moving forward. He is very bright, very verbal, although VERY FRUSTRATED with what seems like EVERYTHING right now. Everything seems to bringing on a meltdown. He's crying out for help, and we just cannot seem to get help for him anywhere. I have videos coming, I'm reading books, I'm asking his doctors, his school to write his IEP (only has a 504, since 4th grade)-now in 7th-failing everything. Can't/refused to do work at school or home, etcetera. Just do not know where to turn. Just last night, in an effort to get him to get him to do homework, he literally ripped one of his school folders up, then threw it on the floor! We just don't know what to do. Yes, we are in a crisis situation. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |
