Search This Blog

Single-Parenting Children With Aspergers/High-Functioning Autism

One of the most difficult roles a mother or father will ever assume is that of the single parent. It doesn't matter how you arrived at that point – divorced, widowed, or single by choice – it is a daily challenge. When a mother or father is a single parent and there is a youngster with Aspergers or High-Functioning Autism (HFA) to care for, the challenges can make life feel like a true test of endurance, but it can be done. It does take more effort and organization, however.

Although raising children always has challenges, single parenting a child with Aspergers or HFA can be extremely stressful – as well as rewarding. Finding solutions to most of the problems is the first step toward keeping the parent from feeling overwhelmed. Almost every problem has a solution. The real trick to success as a single parent is not losing yourself in the parenting process. There are some issues that every single parent needs to be aware. Working on the solutions before they become problems can greatly reduce parental stress.

Tips for single parents with Aspergers and HFA children:

1. Arm yourself with information. Read everything you can about your youngster’s disorder. Most libraries have a parenting section with books on raising kids with special needs. The Internet also offers a broad spectrum of information on nearly every type of disorder. Websites, chat rooms, and the like are tremendous sources of information about conditions, treatments, and medications that are up-to-the-minute. Also, many of the websites that focus on childhood disorders will mail information to parents for free or for a very nominal charge. Be sure to consult your youngster’s doctor regarding the information you find. Being informed is the best offense in managing the daily and long-term challenges of parenting a youngster with Aspergers. Know what you need and pursue it.

2. Avoid being competitive with your ex. It won’t get you anywhere. You may not be able to compete with taking the children to Disney World. But children don’t necessarily love the one who gives the bigger presents more.

3. Be your youngster’s best advocate. No one can - or will ever - care more about a youngster and his/her well-being than the parent(s). As such, it is squarely on the parents’ shoulders to fight for the best information, treatment, doctors, and options that exist. Familiarize yourself with the law. Every parent has to be his/her own researcher.

4. Consider a pet. If you don’t have one, think of getting one. It takes the focus away and puts it on something else. Animals spread love around.

5. Control your reactions. Your Aspergers youngster may push your buttons, but giving big reactions to bad behavior may send the wrong message. Showing that you can control your feelings and avoid meltdowns yourself models appropriate behavior for your Aspie, and leaves you feeling better, too.

6. Don’t block your feelings. Recognize that ALL your feelings are normal. Be sad. Be mad. It’s only natural.

7. Don’t play the blame game. Your youngster’s disorder is not your fault, nor is your spouse to blame. It does no good to look for someone to focus your anger on. Pointing your finger at your spouse or his medical or family history is not productive and can be extremely hurtful. You will need to lean on one another for support, and blame can only damage your relationship.

8. Everyone needs a social life, and a single parent of a youngster with Aspergers is no exception. In addition to caring for your son or daughter, you may be working full time, meeting the needs of your other kids, and taking care of the home, which leaves you little free time. You may have other obligations, too (e.g., school, church, community activities, etc.). Fatigue takes on a new meaning, and having social interaction outside the home is so far on the back-burner it is hard to remember what it was like to “have a life.” Nonetheless, it is important to carve-out some time in your schedule for fun social activities (e.g., hiking, biking, dancing, card games, movies, eating out, etc.). The key is having fun interaction with other adults. Grown-ups who do not spend time with their “buddies” begin to resent their schedule, their lives, and possibly their kids. It is normal to feel that way, and the best way to avoid the problem is to schedule time to socialize.

9. Find some kind of support group. If you can’t find it in your community, you can find one online. You have to make a concerted effort to start to build your new family based on reciprocity and support. It can also help to start building self-esteem. You realize you are not the only one.

10. Focus on personal growth. So much of being a parent takes an emotional and physical toll on you that you have to get out and do something for yourself on an ongoing basis. Try an activity that you never did or go back to something you gave up in your marriage (e.g., rediscovered the love of hiking, or learn how to play a musical instrument). Put yourself out there. Try anything creative.

11. Focus on stress management. When harried and stressed, single parents often find themselves less able to connect with their kids or focus at work, which may lead to acting-out behavior by the children, time-consuming mistakes at work, and other things that increase stress for the parent and his/her family. Therefore, taking a proactive stance on stress management is quite important. Having several quick stress relievers on hand (e.g., breathing exercises, reframing techniques, having different/positive ways of looking at a stressful situation, etc.), as well as long-term stress management strategies in place (e.g., regular exercise, meditation, a hobby, a supportive social circle, etc.) can relieve significant stress for single parents.

12. Hopefully you have been able to create a good working relationship with your ex for the benefit of your youngster. If not, and the sparks fly very time you see each other, it would be wise to consult a counselor. Even if the relationship with your ex has no chance in the world of being civil, there needs to be a peaceful environment for the youngster.

13. Kids with Aspergers may seem to be unaware of the environment around them, but they usually are much more in tune with the emotions of others than it appears. If the moms and dads are arguing or fighting, the youngster is apt to act-out with defiant behaviors. The grown-ups in the situation, by keeping their own tempers, can prevent this. Remember that although your relationship may be over, the relationship both of you have with your youngster is not.

14. Know that you are not alone. Having an Aspergers or HFA youngster can feel very isolating. It’s easy to stay home and think that you are the only one dealing with that situation. Seek out support groups. Form your own groups, if none exist.

15. Learn to enjoy your own company. It may have never occurred to you when you were married that you could actually enjoy your own company. You can do that. Don’t date too soon. You can fall in love too quickly. You can’t be a great parent unless you are a great person.

16. Minimize the tough times. Holidays are hard when you don’t have your special needs child because he or she is visiting the other parent, so make a plan. Know you will feel bad – and know it will end.

17. Move your bedroom to a different room in your house. Make the old one a study or kid’s play room. Redecorate to reflect your individual tastes and make the house more of your home.

18. One major advantage that married couples have is companionship. There’s nothing like being with a spouse who knows and understands the daily problems you encounter. Having someone you can vent your frustrations to keeps one mentally healthy. It is human nature to want to share. If you don't have anyone in your life that you can share your feelings with on a daily basis, work at developing friendships that are true give-and-take relationships. A local support group that includes single parents might be helpful. Some support groups have a network of parents who are on “phone duty” that you can call at any time when you need to talk or vent your emotions.

19. Sometimes, ex in-laws can become a problem for you. A direct approach to the grandparents may not be welcome. If you find yourself in this situation, begin by bringing the matter to the attention of your ex, who may be willing to intervene on your behalf. If your ex refuses to support you in this matter, limit your interaction with the grandparents as much as possible. While they have every right to see their grandchild, you can and should limit your own time with them for your own sanity.

20. You can never take a day off from being a parent, and you may not be able to take a day off from work whenever you like, but there are things you can give yourself a day off from. Next time you're feeling particularly stressed, messed up, tired out or done in, declare a day off from:
  • Being behavior cop
  • Being SuperMom or SuperDad
  • Caring what other people think
  • Doing research
  • Fighting battles
  • Filling out forms
  • Handling details
  • Holding it in
  • Knowing it all
  • Making appointments
  • Making phone calls
  • Multitasking
  • Planning ahead
  • Saying the right thing
  • Serving as case manager
  • Solving problems
  • Working out
  • Worrying

Special Offer for Single Parents of Kids on the Autism Spectrum


 COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said… Thanks for the reminders. So easy to forget to take time for yourself with everything going on and being the only parent holding things together.
•    Anonymous said… I wouldn't wish single parenthood on my worst enemy because it is so hard. However, I think it's far more important to be the most positive, most enthusiastic cheerleader and champion for my son to help him be the best that he can be. No role model is better in my mind than a bad role model. It's difficult enough being a parent, but having a child on the spectrum is an added challenge. I can't be a basket case because of being the mom my son needs and trying to juggle a relationship that doesn't support or promote my abilities as a mother for my children.
•    Anonymous said… I know what you mean. A child with asbergers requires so much attention because they aren't able to socialize Knowing that a parent is always there for them makes them feel more secure. I'm the same. I've been divorced for 12 years and haven't had a relationship since. Because I've made my son feel so secure growing up at 21 he is thriving in his 3rd year of universtiy away from home. He has his twin sister nearby for companionship, he speaks to me on the phone for an hour each day and he comes home every five to six weeks for a week. He hasn't made any friends at university because he's just not able to but he knows we are always there for him. It's extremely important for kids/adults with asbergers to know you've got their back 100%.
•    Anonymous said… I am the single parent to two children on the spectrum. I find being a single parent far easier than when I was married. I am utterly focused on the boys. There is no, and there will be no, relationship to try and juggle alongside. I'm mum. I'm not wife. Everything is about the boys. Our relationship is so much stronger and it's the three of us. I much prefer single parenthood.

Post your comment below…
By

Preparing Your Aspergers Child for Transition to Middle-School

Parents who have children that will attend middle-school for the first time in the fall of this year need to initiate preparations pronto! More on this crucial topic can be found here...
By

Place-Blindness in Individuals with ASD

Some children and teens – and even adults – with High-Functioning Autism and Aspergers frequently become lost because they can't remember previously seen places. An estimated 33% of people with Aspergers suffer from “place-blindness” (also called topographic agnosia), which causes them to become lost easily. This can happen even in areas they know very well if a familiar landmark has changed.

Place-blindness is a form of “visual agnosia” in which the individual can’t rely on visual cues to guide him directionally. However, he may still have an excellent capacity to describe the visual layout of the same place or location. People with place-blindness may have the ability to read maps, but often become lost in familiar environments.

A person with place-blindness could live in a neighborhood for years and not recognize local houses if he sees them out of context (e.g., a photo featuring the house on its own). When out on a hike, the place-blind child or teen may remember certain landmarks (e.g., a bridge, waterfalls, fallen tree, etc.), but otherwise be unable to find his way around the woods even on a route he has traveled many times.

Place-blindness can be extremely maddening. Even some adults with Aspergers may frequently take wrong turns and arrive late for appointments and social engagements, which cause them to appear inconsiderate or forgetful. In addition, they don’t have the option of changing their usual routes or trying new shortcuts without the risk of getting lost. Place-blind people tend to rely on specific landmarks (e.g., a billboard, telephone booth, a tall tree, etc.), but they may become lost even on a familiar route that has been traveled many times.

Place-blindness may occur in conjunction with “face-blindness” (also called prosopagnosia), but many Aspies with place-blindness have very good face recognition skills, thus, having one condition doesn’t necessarily mean that the person will have the other. Both conditions run in families, suggesting a genetic component. While many place-blind individuals have a poor directional sense or impaired map reading ability, some are strong in these skills and have only impaired place or landmark recognition.



Coping techniques for place-blindness:

1. Alternate cues may be particularly useful to a person with place-blindness. Alternate cues may include color cues or tactile markers to symbolize a new room or to remember an area by.

2. Check out any new areas that you will be traveling to beforehand to see if there is a nearby cafe or other place you can wait if you don’t get lost and end up arriving early.

3. If you have strong map-reading skills, bring a map everywhere you go.

4. If you will need to travel a new route in the near future and it is very important to arrive on time, do a dry run beforehand and commit as many landmarks to memory as possible to lower the risk of getting lost.

5. Leave early for appointments whenever possible so that time for getting lost is factored in.

6. Make a point of actively memorizing landmarks that are unlikely to change or be removed.

7. Memorize route directions (north, south, east, and west) and numbers of blocks, and carry a compass to assist with navigation.

8. Naming landmarks out loud or thinking about their features verbally may help in committing them to memory.

9. Use a global positioning system (GPS) device to obtain directions.

10. Using verbal descriptions of routes.
 
 
By

Limiting "Special Interests" in Children with Aspergers and HFA

Should parents limit their child's time spent on just one or two "special interests" or passions?



The Aspergers Comprehensive Handbook
By

Oral Sensitivity in Children with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

"My son with aspergers (high functioning) will often have a gag response or a strong reaction to certain textures of food, for example, whenever he tries to eat an apple or any other hard fruit. Is this something we should be concerned about, or is it a trait of aspergers (similar to picky eating)?"

In contrast to motor-based swallowing problems, difficulties with eating can also stem from dysfunction with the sensory system. The act of swallowing does require both motor and sensory functions to complete the act.



All of us have a range of sensory tolerance, some of us more sensitive than others. If you have a low sensory threshold, you may have an affinity for stronger tasting foods or perhaps crunchy foods. Conversely, if you are on the other end of the sensory spectrum, you may prefer milder foods or soft foods. Kids also have taste and texture preferences and tend to prefer milder, simple foods.

Hypersensitive oral reactions are exaggerated responses to touch in the mouth or around the face. Younger Aspergers and HFA kids with hypersensitive oral reactions may not let you into their mouths for feeding, tooth brushing, or play. They may have problems moving from one food texture to the next, spitting out or gagging on any food but puree. They may gag when a spoon touches the tip of their tongues. A tiny lump of food may be gagged on instead of swallowed.

The following are red flags for sensory-based eating difficulties:
  • Able to bite and chew solid foods, but not swallow them
  • Gag on foods that require chewing
  • Hypersensitive gag only with solids and not with liquids
  • May try to swallow foods whole to avoid contact for chewing
  • No problems with taking liquids
  • Will separate textures from smooth food and pocket or expel them

Some kids become so sensitive and emotional, that their reactions go one step beyond hypersensitive and become “aversion reactions” (these are stronger, more emotional, and less logical reactions). These kids may cry, fuss, pull away, push food away, or refuse even to let you near their mouths. Gagging may turn into vomiting in an aversive reaction.

Fears can develop around eating or any touch around the mouth. Aspergers and HFA kids may try to control all aspects of a meal in an effort to protect themselves from uncomfortable situations. They may want only certain food textures, certain spoons, certain plates, and certain cups. Moms and dads become frustrated because their youngster will eat only a few foods prepared in very specific ways. Face washing and tooth brushing can seem impossible.

For most Aspergers kids, mouth hypersensitivity is one part of an overall body sensitivity to touch or changes in touch. These kids have a hard time handling touch on other parts of their bodies as well. Therefore, treatment for the face and mouth needs to be part of a treatment plan of relaxing or desensitizing touch reactions throughout the body

Because most hypersensitive kids have body as well as mouth over-sensitivities, they may allow touch or cuddling only if it is their idea. If you try to approach them, they may push you away, or rub or scratch the spot. The touch may be quite agitating.

Helping your youngster handle deep pressure or firm touch is usually a good starting place. Light ticklish touch can be too over-stimulating. Massage can be an excellent activity for these kids. Deep pressure touch, given in an organized, predictable way can be very helpful with touch sensitivities. When your youngster can anticipate the touch, it makes it easier to handle. A variety of other firm touch activities may be described by your youngster's therapist.

Let your Aspergers youngster know that you are going to touch. Approach the youngster within his/her vision so that the touch is not a surprise. Often, touch is handled well if the youngster sees it coming. Kids seem to be able to "prepare" themselves for the touch and sometimes can react more appropriately. Also, your youngster needs to learn that touch around the face and in the mouth can be fun.

Remember that the mouth is the most sensitive part of the face. Start by touching places away from the mouth and work toward the mouth. Consider starting on the trunk or back of the arms, and make a game of moving toward the face. In this playful way, the game becomes a distraction, so your youngster isn't just worrying about the touch. You also are moving in a predictable fashion that is less scary.

Tips for helping your child accept touch:
  1. Kiss your youngster's face with the stuffed toy, and then let him/her kiss the toy or your face.
  2. Play face-touch games with stuffed toys and dolls.
  3. Playfully taking turns with touching can help your youngster handle play around the mouth.
  4. Tooth brushing with regular or electric toothbrushes can help
  5. Wipe the face regularly (slowly and softly) with warm cloths, using deep pressure. This can be calming to an over-reactive youngster.
  6. Singing is nice to combine with touch activities. The predictability of the tune helps your youngster prepare for the touch.

Eating involves many different types of touches that the parent needs to understand. The spoon, fork, and cup touch the lips as they bring food to the mouth. The food temperature is a touch. Food texture (e.g., lumpy, wet, thick, etc.) is an important touch of eating. Some kids remove food from the spoon with their teeth very rapidly, so that the spoon doesn't touch their lips. Try gradually keeping the spoon or cup at the lips longer. Use the youngster's most favorite foods for this activity.

Food temperature often can cause over-reactions. Remember that room-temperature foods tend to be easier to handle. Notice the temperatures your youngster handles easily. Make temperature changes very slowly and with foods the youngster likes.

When Aspergers kids over-react by gagging when you try to switch to thicker, more textured or lumpy foods, you probably need to make the transition more slowly. Aspies usually will do better moving from strained foods to thickened strained foods, to blended foods, to thickened blended foods, to thickened blended foods with tiny, very soft lumps. Remember, it is easier to hide lumps in thickened foods. They are much too obvious when presented with strained foods. Good food thickeners include cereal, dehydrated foods, instant potatoes, instant puddings, and ground cracker crumbs.

When you present new body or mouth touches or new food textures, always start with familiar touches or textures. Making games of the touching helps kids think that the touch or the eating or the new texture o" their idea. Move at your youngster's pace, but be persistent.

Provide crunchy foods, and separate textures during meals. Keep crunchy foods on hand for your sensory-sensitive youngster, as these foods facilitate an important "sixth sense" called proprioception, in which sensory feedback makes the child aware of movement and body position. Crunchy foods may help your youngster to develop better proprioception. Also, avoid mixing foods together that have conflicting textures, such as mashed potatoes and gravy.

A speech-language pathologist or occupational therapist (OT) that is trained in oral sensitivities can implement an oral-sensory treatment program to help desensitize the child and reduce the sensitive gag response to textures. Also, the therapist can assist the mother or father with activities to transition the child to age-appropriate textures and tastes of food. If the sensory problem is more pronounced or pervasive, an OT with a background in sensory integration can provide more involved sensory intervention. These therapies may need to be preceded by resolution of medical problems first, especially reflux, before treatment activities can have an effect.

Advice to parents with Aspergers kids who have sensory-based eating problems may include to avoid forcing the child to eat certain foods, maintain a routine mealtime, have at least one preferred food available each meal, and to have the youngster join the family at mealtime versus eating alone.

Aspergers and High-Functioning Autistic kids with hypersensitive reactions to touch in the mouth and around the face need extra help learning to handle the touches of everyday life, especially for eating. You do not have to struggle with this one alone. Your youngster's pediatrician, dietitian, or therapy team can work with you and your youngster to figure out the best way to help.


Highly Acclaimed Parenting Programs Offered by Online Parent Support, LLC:


 COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said... Great ideas.
•   Anonymous said... I have a grandson with aspergers and he has a strong gag reaction when he tries to take a drink of water or other liquid that he doesn't normally drink. He wants to try new foods but it's very difficult for him because the look and smell will cause him to gag. His Dr told us it's normal for asperger people. They are highly over sensitive to everything.
•    Anonymous said... I'd say it could be related to a trait, but he might just hate apples, don't worry too much, try cooking or juicing apples, my lad does love fruit and will eat a bag of apples in 10 minutes, but he gets a lot of vitamins from juice too (in those times when he just won't actually eat fruit)
•    Anonymous said... I'm not sure if it's an Asperger's trait, but I'm the same. That's why I get my vitamins by squeezing a lemon each day.
•    Anonymous said... Indeed it's a trait, the apple was just one example I'm sure. My son does that all the time, he has aspergers too.
•    Anonymous said… Have you got a slinky maker!! Thats awesome for hard food. My step son is sensitive to hard food and sound.. I bought the slinky n its made a world of difference. Maybe it might help you
•    Anonymous said… It could be a sensory issue. An occupational therapist can evaluate and help. My son with Aspergers eats apples and other hard fruits and vegetables all of the time.
•    Anonymous said… My 5 year old does it... Especially if she has fluff or hair around her while eating... Or if she dislikes the food smell or texture... It's just the sensativity issues
•    Anonymous said… My son has sensitivity to his teeth and can't have certain things touch his teeth it sends him into orbit. This has also created a problem with brushing
•    Anonymous said… My son has the same issue. Not with apples though. He eats them to the core. Lol but with other foods. It may be controversial but I force my boys to try foods wether they want to or not. It can be a very stressful moment at the table. All 3 boys have issues with food. But if I did not stay firm on the issue they would only eat chicken nuggets and fries. My pickiest eater is actually my one son who is not autistic. But my point is my 3 boys have a very developed pallet, especially for being autistic because I make them try foods and keep trying them. They learn to like them. I read somewhere it takes children 19 times to acquire taste to new foods. For all children. Not just autistic children. They put up a huge fight sometimes. They will sit at the table for a long time. They will gag and cry but I don't back down.
•    Anonymous said… My son with Aspergers also has a sensory problem....lots and lots of food issues. ex: chicken tender "ends" can't be eaten....he would prefer microwaved food over baked....mac n cheese can only be leftover, not fresh....
•    Anonymous said… This may sound odd .. But maybe it could signal an allergy? I have an extreme gag reflex to certain cheeses (some that I used to be able to eat) .. After some testing I found it was certain strains of mould that caused it. It was so bad with some cheeses that I would gag uncontrollably just being near them at work (I used to work in a grocery store).

Post your comment below…
By
Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)

2024 Statistics of Autism in Chinese Children

Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) has emerged as a significant public health concern worldwide, and China is no exception. As of 2024, new rese...