Do you need some assistance in parenting your Aspergers or HFA child? Click
here to use Mark Hutten, M.A. as your personal parent coach.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My daughter is 16 and was adopted at birth. Chloe was diagnosed with aspergers around 5th grade. Since then the psychiatrists and therapists say possible ADD, depression, anxiety and the latest was bipolar 2. She was on many different meds that seemed to just not make her feel any better. She never had real friends. Now that she is a teenager all hell has broken loose. She hates us and blames us for “screwing her up” because WE made her take the medications. She is convinced she wants to live with the birth mother. She has spent some weekends with her and her 2 daughters (single mom). We think the adoption is playing a big part in all this. She has gotten so much worse over the past 2 years. She thinks she is fine and there is nothing wrong. Like it’s ok for her to talk to us like she does and act out. Her doctors said she needed to be in a treatment facility. She was in one for 1 week and another for 9 days. It was awful there. Now she blames us for ruining her life even more. Thanks doctors! Now she refuses to try any meds, runs away, and won’t talk to us unless she needs to tell us to “Fuck Off”. I am scared!!!!! She gets so angry and you can see the anxiety and hate in her eyes. She throws things. We even had the cops come one time thinking she would get scared. Nope. She has been to different schools from small charter, private, and now public high school. She actually got into fights at the end of her sophomore year. She does not do drugs or drink alcohol, but I know that’s the next step. We are now broke and our marriage is totally going downhill. There is so much more . . . we have tried to do what your book says but I know she needs more help. It seems like nobody really cares what happens to her – doctors, schools, therapists. They all talk a good game but no real answers. Health insurance is a joke. When you really need help they don’t cover it!!! We love her so much but she just says we are so fake! I pray all the time for a better tomorrow?!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mark,
We (parents of 15 year old boy diagnosed with aspergers and BPD) recently downloaded the ebook on how to deal with meltdowns and behavior problems.
In the last week, it seems like he had had a manic episode as per the doctors
we went to and he has performed an act in a social gathering that has caused
a lot of shame and suffering to him as well as to us. This is related to sexual
behavior, doctors mentioned that in a manic episode, he can tend to react impulsively without caring for consequence.
In that respect, would like to hear from you, can a child with aspergers and BPD behave carelessly in matters related to dealing with people, either elders or peers of the opposite sex. He has tried to touch his co-student in an objectionable manner. Please advise on whether such symptoms exist and how to deal with those, your guidance based on any similar cases you dealt with earlier would be of immense help to us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mr. Hutten,
I have recently resigned from my full time band director position and I have taken on private students. One of my guitar students is only 7, and according to his mom has a "reading problem." She is considering getting him evaluated for where he may be on the Autism spectrum. He doesn't identify any letters yet; he is homeschooled and they follow the "unschool" discipline of home schooling.
I was wondering if you could point me in the direction of some resources that would help me teach him. I am usually adamant about learning to read notated music with my students as it allows them to become independent musicians. But I am having trouble getting him to use the printed music. He can identify a note by the fret and can sometimes tell me a letter name (we're only on the first string, so he's only identifying 3 notes). But as we play a series of notes, he is relying on his memory and watching me instead of tracking with the music. I'm hoping to use guitar and reading music to help his reading skills, so any techniques you may have or resources I can access would be so helpful. And I am open to rote teaching since he is a little young, if that is an avenue I should consider.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our 16 year old son, a Jr in high school, is flunking a couple of class that he has always gotten a B and an A in. He refuses to do homework. We have tried everything to motivate him, rewards, consequences etc... We get along well and spend a lot of time together. He is respectful, fun and pleasant. He says he wants to go to college but doesn't do what he knows he needs to do.
We our at a loss and worried he is going to want to quit school.
He refuses to talk about it and gives us the silent treatment.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Teen is 18 years old but likes to act like he is 10. He calls himself an adult when it suits him and says he is too young when he wants me to do something for him.
He did not make it thru high school as his anxiety level was too much. He dropped out and only has about 7 credits left to go.
With that said, he is unmotivated to do anything except for play his guitar, XBOX and talk about his favorite metal group which is Motionless and White. He mainly discusses the guitar player Ricky and tries to look like him dress like him and pretty much be him. The guitar players name is Ricky Horror (stage) Jake's name is Jake Horror (tells everyone)
When i give him rules he says he will do it later or he wont do it all (Chores etc) He does not work nor does he go to school. He sleeps all day if i let him and then gets up does not eat until later so he eats dinner (when i make it)
Jake stays up all night (calls himself a vampire and like i said sleeps thru out the day.
Does not like to associate himself with Asperger's or kids with Asperger's as he only looks for friends that are like him. He calls himself goth. he has black long hair wears black clothes wants tatooes and has a piercing. Likes to wear dark eye makeup and paints fingernails black (like Ricky).
As you can tell he is not a typical Aspie. His dad and him do not get along his dad calls him names and yells alot this does not help the situation. I bought your book because i need help he is afraid to work and to be honest i don't know if he is capable because of his anxiety level.
He does not appear to want to do anything and he argues alot. I would like to find him a home to live in sometimes because he is hard to deal with. When we go out to eat he likes to order more food than he can eat and bring it home. Of course this does not sit well with his dad so there is another argument.
I have a hard hard time cutting the strings because im worried if i leave him in bed he will sleep all day then get up in the evening with no food and lose weight. I have to remind him to brush his teeth and to clean up his room.
when we have family day (going to fair etc,, he wants to go and does go but never seems to enjoy himself. Always wants to stay with dad and i instead of walk around with his foster brother. (same age)
Anyway i don't know what the next steps are but i don't want to have him around if he is going to act like a vegetable. The kid is smart but does not use his talents or his brain to do anything constructive.
I need guidance and wisdom as i am at the end of my rope.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I found your website while looking for information on how to help me 6 year old who has Aspergers with his melt downs. My son is 6 and he is having a hard time keeping his temper under control at home but mainly at school it has become a major issue. I want to help him but it has been very hard to find away to help him he also has pica. When he gets upset/frustrated he lashes out and swears somethings he will hit/bite people. I really need to find a system that will work for him and help me to help him. Do you have any advice for me? Thank you so all your time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr Hutten, I am extremely interested in your support services, in fact I am going to subscribe (or whatever you call it) because my family is in distress and has been for quite sometime. You seem to have knowledge and a level head and we really need the help. I am the grandmother to a great child with Asperger's and also, I am pretty certain, mother the a daughter with the same LD. I point of fact, i often wonder if I myself may have this disorder. It looks to me that this is a family issue and I want so much to stop the crazy cycle of this family dynamic and have tried to hard to provide my daughter with tools to help her understand her own daughter and help her to thrive in school and social settings. My daughter, Natalie, is pretty stubborn and just doesn't seem interested in reading the literature, watching the videos, or hearing much of anything I have to say about the subject; however, she recently told me that she is going to get my granddaughter into counseling which is great news. I feel that it could only help if she were also able to have the support of your website and your experience in this area. In any case, I want her to be able to have someone to talk to. I am sure you stay busy but if you have time an email would be great. Thank you, and thank you also for your great website. It has helped me quite a bit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning. Thank you for the opportunity to join.
I would just like to ask something which i am batteling a lot with at the moment. My eldest son is nine and was diagnosec with Aspergers about a month ago. I need to sit with him and his brother to work things through so that they both understand what and why he is different in his reactions, meltdowns etc. I just have no clue where to start and how to say it.. he is already such an anxious and emotional child. Please help me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hey,
I kind of suspect my husband and my son may have aspergers-- we live in a rural area with no easy way to diagnose-- my husband is also the main caregiver-- is there any way he would be able to learn from it and use it with my son? I notice a lot of times they set each other off so to speak.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I found you through Youtube searches about Asperger’s and marriage. I have struggled and am struggling in my marriage. We have read a lot of different books we sought marriage counseling. Nothing seems to fit quite like what your audio files and e-book describe.
My challenge is that it’s an awkward fit. I was an only child raised by a single mom that had supernatural empathy. With her help, I overcame so many of the challenges associated with Asperger’s. I even found courage to tackle my weaknesses head on. For example, I took a job in high school that forced me to talk to strangers and build comfort with it. In college I took on a sales job that forced me to cold call people and present product in their homes. As an adult I started teaching an adult Sunday school class. Through these steps I have become a fairly gifted public speaker, and even in an engineering role I can be a tremendous asset to my company’s sales team.
In addition to conquering challenges normally associated with Asperger’s, my mother’s supernatural empathy rubbed off on me. I developed a gift for imagining the world through other people’s eyes, and in my home I’m generally considered the most sensitive and empathic one in the family. At work my direct reports and colleagues often come for comfort and wisdom.
But… I married a choleric woman that grew up in a home with no concept of accountability or forgiveness. She is extremely confident, and she seems to utilize your entire checklist of how not to fight fair. My self-esteem has been on a steady decline for 16 years with her, and I continue to slip deeper and deeper into the habits and traits of Asperger’s. All of the social skills and empathy that I have learned have been replaced with a sense of terror that I might say or do the wrong thing, which is unforgivable with consequences that are eternal. Resentment seems to be one of her life’s passions.
I love my wife and my daughters (one of which has Asperger’s), and I don’t want my marriage to fail. All of your strategies and recommendations seem practical, and I’m going to try them all. It just feels so hopeless.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mr. Hutton,
What if the partner who might have high functioning ASD symptoms refuses testing and is angered by the conversation?
Also I appreciate your Web site and YouTube videos. We have a seven-year-old who was diagnosed with Social Communication Disorder last year. It's mild, but if he's struggling to process social thinking issues, he gets anxious, depressed. His father and grandfather share symptoms that after researching, in my opinion look like high functioning something. They're very passive, very focused on one thing, very book smart but can be socially awkward.
I've listened to three of your videos and taken notes and the information has helped me to understand my son and how I can help him. Trying now to get his seemingly avoidant, workaholic father on board, and wondering if his resistance to helping might stem from something other than a cold heart. Our youngest NT son is suffering from separation anxiety too, so it's my goal to try and make peace with the state of our family. I feel, though, a diagnosis would help.
Initially my suggestion to get tested were considered, but after talking to a private psychiatrist, my husband decided against it. I'm curious, then, to know if the resistance or anger to the diagnosis idea is seen in adult, Aspie-ish males.
Thank you for any thoughts.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mark,
I'm wondering if your coaching could help, or if there was a female coach in your team that might better understand where I'm coming from.
I'm a single parent. Ethan is 4 years old. His dad left when I could start walking again after a bad cesarean surgery, about 4 months after surgery.
His dad sees him seldom. Twice Weekly for short visits at his childcare.
I had surgery again may 2015 to correct the original one and still recovering. It's been challenging and being nurturing to a child with aspergers isn't always coming naturally.
Main frustrations includes when he doesn't want to go the the bathroom. I need the remind him and sometimes force him to go every 2 hours - or deal with the clean up.
Negative attention and hurting himself if I don't let him do things he wants...like play instead of eat dinner etc..
Oppositional. If I ask him to close a door gently or put his dishes in the sink...he slams or throws them.
If I go up or down the stairs and don't let him go first....I get a meltdown. We only have 1 bathroom at the top of our stairs. If I go pee on my own. Meltdown.
He hurts me if I annoy him instead of using his words. Later I can ask what he wanted and it's usually something simple I would have done if he asked, like turning down the volume on my iPad.
Having him sleep in his own bed is a struggle.
I'd really like to turn this behaviour around and encourage using his words, learning to ask and listening to his body when it needs to go to the bathroom.
I want to enjoy spending time with him, and not be on guard, reminding and having to repeat boundaries constantly. I want to relax when I'm home as well. I work part time. And I am trained in compassionate communication, often giving him empathy and doing my best to recognize his needs and options to get them and mine met.
However, I'm finding that I'm struggling and needing to calm myself more than I enjoy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My daughter is 16 and was adopted at birth. Chloe was diagnosed with aspergers around 5th grade. Since then the psychiatrists and therapists say possible ADD, depression, anxiety and the latest was bipolar 2. She was on many different meds that seemed to just not make her feel any better. She never had real friends. Now that she is a teenager all hell has broken loose. She hates us and blames us for “screwing her up” because WE made her take the medications. She is convinced she wants to live with the birth mother. She has spent some weekends with her and her 2 daughters (single mom). We think the adoption is playing a big part in all this. She has gotten so much worse over the past 2 years. She thinks she is fine and there is nothing wrong. Like it’s ok for her to talk to us like she does and act out. Her doctors said she needed to be in a treatment facility. She was in one for 1 week and another for 9 days. It was awful there. Now she blames us for ruining her life even more. Thanks doctors! Now she refuses to try any meds, runs away, and won’t talk to us unless she needs to tell us to “Fuck Off”. I am scared!!!!! She gets so angry and you can see the anxiety and hate in her eyes. She throws things. We even had the cops come one time thinking she would get scared. Nope. She has been to different schools from small charter, private, and now public high school. She actually got into fights at the end of her sophomore year. She does not do drugs or drink alcohol, but I know that’s the next step. We are now broke and our marriage is totally going downhill. There is so much more . . . we have tried to do what your book says but I know she needs more help. It seems like nobody really cares what happens to her – doctors, schools, therapists. They all talk a good game but no real answers. Health insurance is a joke. When you really need help they don’t cover it!!! We love her so much but she just says we are so fake! I pray all the time for a better tomorrow?!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mark,
We (parents of 15 year old boy diagnosed with aspergers and BPD) recently downloaded the ebook on how to deal with meltdowns and behavior problems.
In the last week, it seems like he had had a manic episode as per the doctors
we went to and he has performed an act in a social gathering that has caused
a lot of shame and suffering to him as well as to us. This is related to sexual
behavior, doctors mentioned that in a manic episode, he can tend to react impulsively without caring for consequence.
In that respect, would like to hear from you, can a child with aspergers and BPD behave carelessly in matters related to dealing with people, either elders or peers of the opposite sex. He has tried to touch his co-student in an objectionable manner. Please advise on whether such symptoms exist and how to deal with those, your guidance based on any similar cases you dealt with earlier would be of immense help to us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mr. Hutten,
I have recently resigned from my full time band director position and I have taken on private students. One of my guitar students is only 7, and according to his mom has a "reading problem." She is considering getting him evaluated for where he may be on the Autism spectrum. He doesn't identify any letters yet; he is homeschooled and they follow the "unschool" discipline of home schooling.
I was wondering if you could point me in the direction of some resources that would help me teach him. I am usually adamant about learning to read notated music with my students as it allows them to become independent musicians. But I am having trouble getting him to use the printed music. He can identify a note by the fret and can sometimes tell me a letter name (we're only on the first string, so he's only identifying 3 notes). But as we play a series of notes, he is relying on his memory and watching me instead of tracking with the music. I'm hoping to use guitar and reading music to help his reading skills, so any techniques you may have or resources I can access would be so helpful. And I am open to rote teaching since he is a little young, if that is an avenue I should consider.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our 16 year old son, a Jr in high school, is flunking a couple of class that he has always gotten a B and an A in. He refuses to do homework. We have tried everything to motivate him, rewards, consequences etc... We get along well and spend a lot of time together. He is respectful, fun and pleasant. He says he wants to go to college but doesn't do what he knows he needs to do.
We our at a loss and worried he is going to want to quit school.
He refuses to talk about it and gives us the silent treatment.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Teen is 18 years old but likes to act like he is 10. He calls himself an adult when it suits him and says he is too young when he wants me to do something for him.
He did not make it thru high school as his anxiety level was too much. He dropped out and only has about 7 credits left to go.
With that said, he is unmotivated to do anything except for play his guitar, XBOX and talk about his favorite metal group which is Motionless and White. He mainly discusses the guitar player Ricky and tries to look like him dress like him and pretty much be him. The guitar players name is Ricky Horror (stage) Jake's name is Jake Horror (tells everyone)
When i give him rules he says he will do it later or he wont do it all (Chores etc) He does not work nor does he go to school. He sleeps all day if i let him and then gets up does not eat until later so he eats dinner (when i make it)
Jake stays up all night (calls himself a vampire and like i said sleeps thru out the day.
Does not like to associate himself with Asperger's or kids with Asperger's as he only looks for friends that are like him. He calls himself goth. he has black long hair wears black clothes wants tatooes and has a piercing. Likes to wear dark eye makeup and paints fingernails black (like Ricky).
As you can tell he is not a typical Aspie. His dad and him do not get along his dad calls him names and yells alot this does not help the situation. I bought your book because i need help he is afraid to work and to be honest i don't know if he is capable because of his anxiety level.
He does not appear to want to do anything and he argues alot. I would like to find him a home to live in sometimes because he is hard to deal with. When we go out to eat he likes to order more food than he can eat and bring it home. Of course this does not sit well with his dad so there is another argument.
I have a hard hard time cutting the strings because im worried if i leave him in bed he will sleep all day then get up in the evening with no food and lose weight. I have to remind him to brush his teeth and to clean up his room.
when we have family day (going to fair etc,, he wants to go and does go but never seems to enjoy himself. Always wants to stay with dad and i instead of walk around with his foster brother. (same age)
Anyway i don't know what the next steps are but i don't want to have him around if he is going to act like a vegetable. The kid is smart but does not use his talents or his brain to do anything constructive.
I need guidance and wisdom as i am at the end of my rope.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I found your website while looking for information on how to help me 6 year old who has Aspergers with his melt downs. My son is 6 and he is having a hard time keeping his temper under control at home but mainly at school it has become a major issue. I want to help him but it has been very hard to find away to help him he also has pica. When he gets upset/frustrated he lashes out and swears somethings he will hit/bite people. I really need to find a system that will work for him and help me to help him. Do you have any advice for me? Thank you so all your time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr Hutten, I am extremely interested in your support services, in fact I am going to subscribe (or whatever you call it) because my family is in distress and has been for quite sometime. You seem to have knowledge and a level head and we really need the help. I am the grandmother to a great child with Asperger's and also, I am pretty certain, mother the a daughter with the same LD. I point of fact, i often wonder if I myself may have this disorder. It looks to me that this is a family issue and I want so much to stop the crazy cycle of this family dynamic and have tried to hard to provide my daughter with tools to help her understand her own daughter and help her to thrive in school and social settings. My daughter, Natalie, is pretty stubborn and just doesn't seem interested in reading the literature, watching the videos, or hearing much of anything I have to say about the subject; however, she recently told me that she is going to get my granddaughter into counseling which is great news. I feel that it could only help if she were also able to have the support of your website and your experience in this area. In any case, I want her to be able to have someone to talk to. I am sure you stay busy but if you have time an email would be great. Thank you, and thank you also for your great website. It has helped me quite a bit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning. Thank you for the opportunity to join.
I would just like to ask something which i am batteling a lot with at the moment. My eldest son is nine and was diagnosec with Aspergers about a month ago. I need to sit with him and his brother to work things through so that they both understand what and why he is different in his reactions, meltdowns etc. I just have no clue where to start and how to say it.. he is already such an anxious and emotional child. Please help me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hey,
I kind of suspect my husband and my son may have aspergers-- we live in a rural area with no easy way to diagnose-- my husband is also the main caregiver-- is there any way he would be able to learn from it and use it with my son? I notice a lot of times they set each other off so to speak.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I found you through Youtube searches about Asperger’s and marriage. I have struggled and am struggling in my marriage. We have read a lot of different books we sought marriage counseling. Nothing seems to fit quite like what your audio files and e-book describe.
My challenge is that it’s an awkward fit. I was an only child raised by a single mom that had supernatural empathy. With her help, I overcame so many of the challenges associated with Asperger’s. I even found courage to tackle my weaknesses head on. For example, I took a job in high school that forced me to talk to strangers and build comfort with it. In college I took on a sales job that forced me to cold call people and present product in their homes. As an adult I started teaching an adult Sunday school class. Through these steps I have become a fairly gifted public speaker, and even in an engineering role I can be a tremendous asset to my company’s sales team.
In addition to conquering challenges normally associated with Asperger’s, my mother’s supernatural empathy rubbed off on me. I developed a gift for imagining the world through other people’s eyes, and in my home I’m generally considered the most sensitive and empathic one in the family. At work my direct reports and colleagues often come for comfort and wisdom.
But… I married a choleric woman that grew up in a home with no concept of accountability or forgiveness. She is extremely confident, and she seems to utilize your entire checklist of how not to fight fair. My self-esteem has been on a steady decline for 16 years with her, and I continue to slip deeper and deeper into the habits and traits of Asperger’s. All of the social skills and empathy that I have learned have been replaced with a sense of terror that I might say or do the wrong thing, which is unforgivable with consequences that are eternal. Resentment seems to be one of her life’s passions.
I love my wife and my daughters (one of which has Asperger’s), and I don’t want my marriage to fail. All of your strategies and recommendations seem practical, and I’m going to try them all. It just feels so hopeless.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mr. Hutton,
What if the partner who might have high functioning ASD symptoms refuses testing and is angered by the conversation?
Also I appreciate your Web site and YouTube videos. We have a seven-year-old who was diagnosed with Social Communication Disorder last year. It's mild, but if he's struggling to process social thinking issues, he gets anxious, depressed. His father and grandfather share symptoms that after researching, in my opinion look like high functioning something. They're very passive, very focused on one thing, very book smart but can be socially awkward.
I've listened to three of your videos and taken notes and the information has helped me to understand my son and how I can help him. Trying now to get his seemingly avoidant, workaholic father on board, and wondering if his resistance to helping might stem from something other than a cold heart. Our youngest NT son is suffering from separation anxiety too, so it's my goal to try and make peace with the state of our family. I feel, though, a diagnosis would help.
Initially my suggestion to get tested were considered, but after talking to a private psychiatrist, my husband decided against it. I'm curious, then, to know if the resistance or anger to the diagnosis idea is seen in adult, Aspie-ish males.
Thank you for any thoughts.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mark,
I'm wondering if your coaching could help, or if there was a female coach in your team that might better understand where I'm coming from.
I'm a single parent. Ethan is 4 years old. His dad left when I could start walking again after a bad cesarean surgery, about 4 months after surgery.
His dad sees him seldom. Twice Weekly for short visits at his childcare.
I had surgery again may 2015 to correct the original one and still recovering. It's been challenging and being nurturing to a child with aspergers isn't always coming naturally.
Main frustrations includes when he doesn't want to go the the bathroom. I need the remind him and sometimes force him to go every 2 hours - or deal with the clean up.
Negative attention and hurting himself if I don't let him do things he wants...like play instead of eat dinner etc..
Oppositional. If I ask him to close a door gently or put his dishes in the sink...he slams or throws them.
If I go up or down the stairs and don't let him go first....I get a meltdown. We only have 1 bathroom at the top of our stairs. If I go pee on my own. Meltdown.
He hurts me if I annoy him instead of using his words. Later I can ask what he wanted and it's usually something simple I would have done if he asked, like turning down the volume on my iPad.
Having him sleep in his own bed is a struggle.
I'd really like to turn this behaviour around and encourage using his words, learning to ask and listening to his body when it needs to go to the bathroom.
I want to enjoy spending time with him, and not be on guard, reminding and having to repeat boundaries constantly. I want to relax when I'm home as well. I work part time. And I am trained in compassionate communication, often giving him empathy and doing my best to recognize his needs and options to get them and mine met.
However, I'm finding that I'm struggling and needing to calm myself more than I enjoy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mark,
I
have not had an official diagnosis but it confirms our suspicion of me
being the ASPIE partner in the marriage. My father has similar traits
like me too. We have been
married for almost 22 years. We have three children, age 19, 18 and 15.
The 18 year old has definitely signs of ASPIE traits as well.
Because
of my situation, our marriage is facing lots of challenges which has
posed a heavy toll on my wife and which has impacted her physical and
mental health (depression and auto immune thyroiditis for the last 9
years) and she has started building up resentment as she feels I am not
doing enough to rectify our relationship issues. We are still in love and not prepared to give up the relationship so easily.
I do not have close friends, never had, but that is not my main issue. I want to have a marriage in which we are both happy. I
am very active in sport, I am a former (national team) triathlete and
before marriage I have gone on cycle trips around the world ranging from
2,000 km to 11,000km at a time (mostly by myself as you can guess).
Needless to say, cycling is my interest/hobby and sport is my passion. I
am also a focused employee (accountant) of my company.
I acknowledge that I need help to change my behavior. We agree that in addition to intimate conversation, my communication and social skills need to improve. I
have to improve skills (or better say, to learn) to have intimate
conversation with my wife. I struggle with knowing how to meet her
emotional needs. Also I
have difficulties in having a one- to- one conversation with an
acquaintance, friend or stranger. Specially if it exceeds 30 minutes,
then I am desperately searching for topics to avoid periods of silence.
You
may have possibly dealt with similar characters like myself and wish to
share some material or advise to help me with my marriage relationship.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark,
I have a
very bright, kind , overindulged son. He is 17,a senior, and a very
talented golfer. He is one of the captains of the team and they need
him. He is capable of straight A's and wants hard classes but won't go
to school because he won't do his homework and is not prepared for
class. His dad used to help him (and sometimes do his homework for him).
His dad now works in S.C. and we live in IL. I told him yesterday he
couldn't go to tonight's meet if he didn't go to school. He says he tried all night to get his homework done but couldn't do it.. I was up until 11pm
with him. He was started on Focalin xr 5 mg yesterday, an ADHD drug. He
says it made him overexcited, sweaty and he couldn't do his work. I am a
pharmacist and guess this is possible. What to do??? Make him miss the
meet? I have had him to psychiatrists who say he is depressed and
anxious. He takes an antidepressant. Maybe I shouldn't have given him an
ultimatum but he has to go to school. What do you think I should do?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good Afternoon Mark,
My son Richard who is now 30 had just finally been diagnosed
with Aspergers or Autism Spectrum Disorder as I believe it is now defined. We
were in the process of learning everything we could but within a few months she
was diagnosed with Esophageal cancer and unfortunately passed a year later aged
only 56. Since her passing I have dedicated myself to learning and helping
Richard our beautiful son. We moved to the USA from England in 2002 to expand my
business and I am still CEO of the company. I have been dealing with complicated
grief and have zero family or support structure but with my strong constitution
have been making progress in baby steps. As you can imagine the devastating loss
has only supplemented the daily issues and I welcome your experience and
guidance.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mr. Hutten;
I am a married to a man who clearly fits the Asperger's diagnosis. I have not yet told him but over 16 years I have known him and as a clinician always knew he had a personality disorder and recently confirmed from going to see a counselor myself for being unhappy with the marriage.
I want to tell
Him the right way and also am interested in your audio or e-book but didn't know how to purchase from your site. I also wanted to know if you have any recommendations for a couples counselor or individual counselor in the Columbia, MD 21044 area where I live.
I am in a situation where I was planning and trying to prepare to leave the marriage and feel like I would be the only one affected emotionally when this happens. We have 2 boys, ages 3 and 4, who will probably have a hard time in the beginning. My husband is not good with too much info and I don't think he will take the asperger's test. Do you suggest a good way of telling him I think he has asperger's. He has not wanted to go to the doctor for a check up but admits to having feelings of depression.
I am living with feelings of mistrust, neglected and I satisfied mentally and emotionally. He does thugs without communicating and I am left to ask or guess most of his actions with him feeling annoyed that I ask questions to understand him better.
Anyways, any feedback will be helpful.
I continue watch your lectures online.
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Hi Mr. Hutten;
I am a married to a man who clearly fits the Asperger's diagnosis. I have not yet told him but over 16 years I have known him and as a clinician always knew he had a personality disorder and recently confirmed from going to see a counselor myself for being unhappy with the marriage.
I want to tell
Him the right way and also am interested in your audio or e-book but didn't know how to purchase from your site. I also wanted to know if you have any recommendations for a couples counselor or individual counselor in the Columbia, MD 21044 area where I live.
I am in a situation where I was planning and trying to prepare to leave the marriage and feel like I would be the only one affected emotionally when this happens. We have 2 boys, ages 3 and 4, who will probably have a hard time in the beginning. My husband is not good with too much info and I don't think he will take the asperger's test. Do you suggest a good way of telling him I think he has asperger's. He has not wanted to go to the doctor for a check up but admits to having feelings of depression.
I am living with feelings of mistrust, neglected and I satisfied mentally and emotionally. He does thugs without communicating and I am left to ask or guess most of his actions with him feeling annoyed that I ask questions to understand him better.
Anyways, any feedback will be helpful.
I continue watch your lectures online.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband and I are desperate. I listen to one of your you tube videos on adult children with aspergers.
Joe is 20 years old. He has quit school and work. He has been verbally
abusive for years, but on the 2nd of the month he became physically
abusive to my husband. It was bad and we had to get the police
involved. He is now at the county psychiatric hospital. We are afraid
To let him come back home. The social worker and the doctor are telling
him that he will have to go to a homeless shelter. We are trying to get
help for Joe. He now wants to go to the shelter. He has never been in a
shelter. I have taken care of him all his life. You can imagine how I
feel as his mother. I am caught between a rock and a hard place. I never
thought that this would happen in my family. There is a lot more to
this story but I don't want to take up to much of your time. Should we
let him go to the shelter, or
should we rent a room? My husband and I live on a fixed income so we can't rent an apartment.
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Hi! I hope you are well. I appreciate you time and thoughts. My best friend is using your resource and it has changed her relationships with her husband and son. Both aspies. My husband had a couple of strokes 2 1/2 years ago that damaged his language and emotion areas. He can read and speak again but it left him with some aspie traits. How likely is it that the information will apply to brain trauma behaviors that are similar? I really appreciate you taking the time for this. Our family keep telling me I have a psych degree so of course I'll just figure it out.
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Hi! I hope you are well. I appreciate you time and thoughts. My best friend is using your resource and it has changed her relationships with her husband and son. Both aspies. My husband had a couple of strokes 2 1/2 years ago that damaged his language and emotion areas. He can read and speak again but it left him with some aspie traits. How likely is it that the information will apply to brain trauma behaviors that are similar? I really appreciate you taking the time for this. Our family keep telling me I have a psych degree so of course I'll just figure it out.
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Dear Mark Hutten,
I came across
your website after processing an eventful couple of weeks, where after
22 years of marriage I suspect my husband may have Aspergers.
Last
week I went for a drink with a friend, whose teenager daughter is best
friends with my daughter; they are both 14 years old. The mum has been
really struggling and suspects her daughter maybe on the spectrum. As
she listed the signs and behavioural traits of Aspergers, it was as if
someone had switched on a light bulb. It described my husband.
For
years I have struggled through all the emotions and processes described
on your website. My husband has always been organised at his work with
good results, but has been made redundant twice and recently forced to
leave his managerial position with a payout; his longest stint has been 7
years in any given job title. This has been hard on us as a family
having to move all the time with new schools and network for me and the
children. When we move to a new location he makes one close friend, but
does not keep in regular touch with old school friends or his best man
at our wedding etc., (if he does it would be occasionally after years).
Over
time I believe my husband has found it hard to bond with people in the
work place. He is caring, gentle, fair (to the nth degree) and kind, but
can come across as aloof, wooden, and emotionally cold. In conversation
he can talk endlessly about facts (usually cycling), unaware that this
may not be interesting for the other party. These are descriptions
shared by close friends. A previous female work colleague of his spoke
to me in confidence, concerned that he was isolating himself at work and
not relating well to the workforce on the factory floor.
This
week however, in his new job (by the grace of God we didn't have to
move), he set about meetings of groups of 4 or less for the staff to
give them an update on where the company was heading and what his
supporting role entails as their boss. It seems he is working out
strategies without realising? The female Director of the company he now
works for, who is a church friend of mine, said she employed him because
he was unemotional and a little cold and wanted someone in place who
can get the job done well.
He
doesn't mix in large social gatherings, which has been painful for me,
as I'm very sociable and have felt we have not made any 'couple
friendships' as a result. I have a large network of girl friends
instead. We were at a big family fun day with our cycling club and he
wouldn't join in the games because he had an important race the next
day. He sat on the sidelines while everyone had fun (inside I'm thinking
WHY?)
My husband is
obsessive about cycling, he lives and breathes it. I cycle too and we
both love sport, but on occasions where I needed him to be a husband or
father for a special event he could not read my emotional need of
quality time or support; daughter's first day on zone squad for
windsurfing, all parents were there - went cycling, family holiday site
seeing in Italy - too hot for sight seeing and went cycling, his
brother's stag do - wouldn't join in because of the drinking (his other
brother nearly floored him he was so annoyed).
He
can be inappropriate at a meal with other couples with immature jokes
where I cringe inside (this is a handsome, intelligent and caring
individual). Now I accept it will happen every time. I've given up.
I
don't even know how to broach the subject with him. There is a young
lad who is part of their cycling group who has a high level of
Aspergers, and I think my husband would be so upset if he thought I was
putting the same label on him. I did share that our cognitive
communication was completely different, he is more like a computer -
logical, I'm sensitive to other peoples feelings and more emotional. He
agreed. That's as far as I've got.
How
do I go about a diagnosis for my husband so we can make our marriage
work. I have been so close to leaving, but my faith has prevented me. At
times this has been worse than the grieving of a loved one who has
passed away, you can't move on but feel desperately lonely and no one
else understands.
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Hi Mark ;
I came across your info regarding couples and being in a relationship with
an Asperger partner. Do you have an online website that shows your
upcoming workshops and conferences?
I live in Nova Scotia and have attended workshops foe ASD children as these
are the only conferences available. I recently researched “Aspergers and
Cognition” as I realised the brain is so amazing and I wanted to understand more
about how my husband thinks. I found a link to your articles but not your
workshops .
I am an Educator and had a student with Aspergers. When I was given some
basic resource information by the specialist working with him; a light bulb went
on for me. This happened after 35 years of marriage and believing I was
the one that was at fault by expecting more in our relationship and more
of my partner instead of me being the one to carry the relationship and 90% of
the effort to hold it together. My husband fit the bill in every way for
Aspergers. He was a great teacher and a brilliant musician.
Although we have been married for 46 years I am very much aware that
it is never too late to invest some time and effort to make our relationship
more balanced. I suffer everyday and struggle with keeping our
relationship together and trying to keep things on an even keel with no
meltdowns from him. Without going into the details lets say his MO is
classic and denial at times is part of that. I know that he can develop
strategies. He is a smart man. I believe we would benefit by attending your
workshop for couples. I need strategies ; he needs to be motivated to develop
strategies and not just bury his head in the sand.
There are almost no resources here in Nova Scotia for Aspergers and the
fact that it is now under the umbrella of ASD I do not believe that the
difficulties of Aspies or high functioning Autism individuals are being met .
The focus is on children in the education system. Few mature adults are still in
the education system and thus their needs are seldom being met. Certainly
adults are not considered as these individuals are not so obvious to the
various professionals that might be able to assist with the issues affecting
them and their families. It is the partners in the relationship and the
children that are aware and bare all the issues and hardships of dealing with
the individual. As you say 80% of marriages with an Aspie partner end up
in divorce.
I would really be interested in hearing more about your couples
workshops.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thank you for your prompt response. I really enjoyed your audio presentations and information regarding asperger's.
I
actually started speaking to my husband about the condition and
convinced him to sit and watch the 6-7 min video presentation about your
book.
He is not accepting that he has this condition even
though for the last 16 years, he shows every sign and symptom associated
with it. He has a lot of anger toward me and me getting him to want to
resolve anything is not working. We have gone through marriage
counseling a couple of times. He thinks I have a mental problem and
always criticizes my family as a reason for my behavior toward him. I
even told him I am willing to look into my "problem" if he can just
confirm with evaluation or just consider learning more about Asperger's.
He is not a reader so I am looking to send videos to let him get a feel
for what the condition is and how it affects life. Any suggestions will
be helpful.
Thank you for the list of practitioners in the
area. I was working with a counselor who helped me confirm what my
husband may have and was working with me of leaving the relationship. I
am putting her on hold and going to read your book.
It does
"take two to make things right" so I am discouraged that he is not
willing to consider anything wrong with him to make things work.
Thanks again for your response and I really do appreciate it!
Are
you offering any lectures or courses in my area by chance to learn
more? I am also a health care practitioner for the last 16 years working
as a physical therapist and received my second masters degree in rehab
counseling. I am very interested in learning more about the condition
for professional and personal reasons.
Thanks again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark
I just wanted to ask you please
for advice as I refuse to make any decisions with my husband without
researching further what our avenues are!
My
husband and I have finished reading your e book and watched the
workshops. We found them EXTREMELY helpful for both of us. We have both
been really responsive and made positive changes, it has only been a
week but it has been a great week.
My husband
did however consult his cousin, who is overseas about our revelation and
wandered what else he can do to help. His cousin is a psychiatrist and
he immediately recommended a higher dose of the anti depressant that my
husband is already taking as usually these meds are recommended in
higher doses to people on the spectrum. I don’t believe he needs it but
wanted to ask your opinion?
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Hello Mark
I'm Laura from Australia and I've found your book and would like to download it...
My partner was diagnosed with Aspergers about six weeks ago. I'm just tearing my hair out - the meltdowns seem to get worse. I have psychotherapy myself every week, and I have nearly finished a degree in the same. I love him and am at the end of my tether.
I try as best I can to own my part of the conflicts but sometimes I feel so defeated, so drained I'm almost suicidal. Feel trapped and like a complete idiot for making the decisions I have.
It would be great if I could purchase your book - could you send me a link please? I'm also wondering if Anthony would be open to therapy with you - I doubt it because he doesn't like doing stuff over the Internet for privacy reasons - but just in case, could you please send me some info to share with him?
I'm looking for a lifeline!!
Kind regards
I have 2 boys with aspergers
Question numbe 1. My 18 year old had a hard time with graduation the cliser it got the more panicked he became. So d put him on Zoloft for anxiety. He seemed better he got a job at walmart in produce he seemed. To love it. Then they started switching his sechdule around back down the hill he went. He ended up quitting the. Job and now says he cant handle panic attacks so he just wonts to be left alone and locks himself in his room. I dont know how to help him
Question numbe 1. My 18 year old had a hard time with graduation the cliser it got the more panicked he became. So d put him on Zoloft for anxiety. He seemed better he got a job at walmart in produce he seemed. To love it. Then they started switching his sechdule around back down the hill he went. He ended up quitting the. Job and now says he cant handle panic attacks so he just wonts to be left alone and locks himself in his room. I dont know how to help him
Number 2 my 6 year old is also on zolof 100 mg and ritilan
5mg 3x a daytho i dont see any diffrenc with or wih out the Ritalin. He
is in kidegardn after doing a spec prek for 2 years and was doing fair
as far as school when it first started now 3 months in he states and i
quoat "i no longer wont to go to school its boring and of no intrest to
me" his teacher said its just because he doesnt like tracing letters and
to say its a have to thing. Yea because i said so doesnt work fo any
kid much less for one on the spectrum. He randomly blurt stuff out in c
lass and is unabl most days to sit in 1 spot. He also has choosen to
walk himself to class and is constantly late because he doent wont to go
sco he walks slowly.
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Hello Mark
I'm Laura from Australia and I've found your book and would like to download it...
My partner was diagnosed with Aspergers about six weeks ago. I'm just tearing my hair out - the meltdowns seem to get worse. I have psychotherapy myself every week, and I have nearly finished a degree in the same. I love him and am at the end of my tether.
I try as best I can to own my part of the conflicts but sometimes I feel so defeated, so drained I'm almost suicidal. Feel trapped and like a complete idiot for making the decisions I have.
It would be great if I could purchase your book - could you send me a link please? I'm also wondering if Anthony would be open to therapy with you - I doubt it because he doesn't like doing stuff over the Internet for privacy reasons - but just in case, could you please send me some info to share with him?
I'm looking for a lifeline!!
Kind regards
