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Navigating the Journey: Stages a Parent Goes Through Upon Learning Their Child Has ASD

Receiving a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) for a child can be a life-altering moment for any parent. The journey is often marked by a complex range of emotions and stages, similar to the well-known Kübler-Ross five stages of grief. Understanding these stages can provide insight into the experience of parents as they process the diagnosis and learn to adapt to their new reality.

1. Shock and Denial

The first stage a parent often experiences is shock and denial. This initial reaction is a natural defense mechanism against overwhelming news. Parents may find themselves in a state of disbelief, struggling to accept that their child has been diagnosed with ASD. Questions race through their minds: “How can this be true?”, “What does this mean for my child's future?”, or “Is this really happening?” During this time, parents might search for second opinions or seek to minimize the severity of the diagnosis.

2. Anger

Once the shock begins to fade, parents may experience anger. This anger can manifest in many forms: anger towards themselves, the system, or even the world at large. They might feel frustration towards the perceived inadequacies of healthcare professionals, educational systems, or societal attitudes towards autism. Often, parents grapple with feelings of injustice, wishing the circumstances were different. This anger can be directed inward, leading to feelings of guilt for not being able to prevent the diagnosis or sadness for the loss of the "typical" parenting experience.

3. Bargaining

After the initial tumult of anger, parents may enter a bargaining stage. This stage involves attempts to regain a sense of control or normalize the situation. Parents might find themselves thinking, “If I just try harder at parenting, or if we attend more therapy sessions, perhaps things will improve.” They seek solutions, hoping to change the diagnosis or alleviate symptoms. This stage often comes with searching for therapies, diets, or therapies that could "cure" ASD, reflecting a deep desire to help their child lead a typical life.

4. Depression

As the reality of the diagnosis sinks in, many parents experience a profound sense of sadness or depression. This stage can be filled with feelings of hopelessness and uncertainty about the future. Parents may mourn the dreams they had for their child and the expectations they held about typical milestones. This period often leads to reflection on the challenges their child will face and how their own lives will change as a result. Parents may isolate themselves, feeling misunderstood by others who don’t fully grasp what ASD entails.

5. Acceptance

The final stage that parents often reach is acceptance. Acceptance doesn’t mean that the journey is over or that all difficulties have vanished. Instead, acceptance involves coming to terms with the diagnosis and embracing the uniqueness of their child. Parents may seek support from local or online communities, finding solace in connecting with others who share similar experiences. They often learn about autism and advocacy, becoming empowered to seek the best resources for their child. Acceptance can lead to a renewed focus on celebrating achievements, however small, and finding joy in the unique abilities and contributions their child can offer.

Emotional Growth

The journey through these stages is not linear, and parents may cycle back through them multiple times as they face new challenges or milestones in their child's life. Importantly, while these stages are common, every parent’s experience is unique, shaped by their personal circumstances, support systems, and children.

Support and Resources

During this journey, parental support is crucial. Many organizations provide resources, whether they be informational websites, local support groups, or parenting workshops. Information helps demystify ASD, providing parents with tools to help their children thrive. Connecting with other parents who face similar challenges can also provide emotional support, sharing successes and strategies that can lead to personal and collective empowerment.

Conclusion

The journey of learning that one’s child has ASD is filled with various emotions, each playing a vital role in how a parent adapts to this new reality. While the process can be daunting and filled with uncertainty, it also has the potential to lead to profound personal growth and understanding. The acceptance stage offers not just a resolution to the emotional turmoil but a pathway toward a more hopeful future, advocating for better understanding and inclusion of children with autism in society. Ultimately, it emphasizes the importance of love, resilience, and the unbreakable bond between parent and child, regardless of the challenges they may face together.


 
 
More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

Click here to read the full article…

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Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

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Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

Click here to read the full article…

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Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

Click here to read the full article…

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Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Click here to read the full article...

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Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...
 
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A child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can have difficulty in school because, since he fits in so well, many adults may miss the fact that he has a diagnosis. When these children display symptoms of their disorder, they may be seen as defiant or disruptive.

Click here for the full article...

 


By

Preventing Meltdowns in Students with ASD: Advice for Teachers

"Do you have any simple, 'cut-to-the-chase' advice I could share with my son's teacher (who seems to know very little about how to handle students on the autism spectrum who 'meltdown')? He is currently in the 6th grade and has a new teacher."

Sure. Here goes...


Students with ASD level 1, or High Functioning Autism (HFA), desperately need support from educators when they struggle with emotional and behavioral issues in school. Here are many helpful strategies that every teacher should know:

HFA can co-exist with other disorders (e.g., ADHD, depression, anxiety). But mostly, this disorder affects the ability to socialize. These youngsters have difficulty recognizing facial expressions, sarcasm, and teasing, and struggle to adapt to unexpected changes in routine. Their interests tend to be very narrow, and this can limit their capacity to relate to others.

Due to these struggles, kids on the autism spectrum oftentimes experience anger, fear, sadness, and frustration. There are several effective interventions that can be employed in the classroom to help improve the youngster’s learning experience. These can assist the student in feeling more comfortable and decrease anxiety, paving the way for academic achievement.
 

1. Make a Plan for Emotional Outbursts— Provide a quiet place for the student who has frequent meltdowns. This may be a trip to the bathroom with a classroom aide, or a visit to the school counselor. A written plan for coping in these periods of high stress is critical for an HFA student’s success.

2. Make Classroom Rules Clear— Students with HFA thrive on rules, but will often ignore them when they are vague or not meaningful. Educators should detail the most important classroom rules and why they exist. A written list prominently displayed, or a handout of the classroom rules can be very helpful.

3. Minimize Surprises in the Classroom— Youngsters on the autism spectrum need structured settings to succeed. They do not like surprises. Things like sudden seating changes or unexpected modifications to the routine could cause anxiety and even meltdowns. Educators should try to provide ample warnings if there is to be a change of plans (e.g., sending a note home to the parent if a seating change is imminent).

A back up plan can be presented to the class in anticipation of schedule changes (e.g., when the Friday schedule that usually includes watching an educational film in the afternoon changes if time is short, the teacher should inform the students ahead of time that they will work on free reading or journaling instead).

4. Promote Supportive Friendships— If it seems appropriate, educate the class about autism spectrum disorders. Develop empathy by making students aware of inappropriate words and bullying behaviors. Highlight the "special needs" youngster’s strengths in classroom lessons to enable him to find friends with common interests.

If the student on the spectrum seems to be struggling with friendships, group him during classroom activities with those that are more kind and empathetic. At recess or lunch, try assigning a “classroom buddy” who will be supportive and guide the youngster through those more chaotic times.

5. Provide Sensory Support— Many kids with HFA also experience sensory processing issues. Sensitivity to light, sound, touch, taste, and smells can irritate the youngster, making him more likely to act out or withdraw. Consult the mom or dad to determine what these sensitivities are. Minimizing classroom chaos, noise, and clutter will be a good start.

If possible, get help from an occupational therapist and try to work sensory breaks into the youngster’s school day. Chores such as returning a load of books to the library, or even doing a few jumping jacks in the hallway, can go a long way in helping the youngster realign and get back to learning.

Helping kids with HFA in the classroom is yet another challenge for today’s overburdened educators. However, with insightful monitoring, parental and professional guidance, and creative strategies, a love of school and learning can be fostered in these young people kids.
By

Raising Children and Teens on the Autism Spectrum: Dealing with Parental Stress

Of course, not all moms and dads of children with ASD level 1, or high functioning autism (HFA), are under stress, but many are. 
 
As one mother states, “You learn to live with a significant amount of stress and you throw yourself into your everyday job as a parent when you have a youngster with an Autism Spectrum Disorder. If you work outside the home, you work even harder - and you don't think much about taking care of yourself.”

Some moms and dads worry that they could have done something to prevent their youngster's problems. They also agonize over whether they could do more now. Some stress is to be expected. As long as you're sleeping and eating well, enjoying much of your day-to-day life, and finding support where you need it, your stress is probably not too overwhelming.



Are you too stressed? Ask yourself these questions:
  • Are symptoms of stress impeding your functioning?
  • Are you finding it hard to get through the day's activities?
  • Are you having a hard time eating, sleeping, or getting up in the morning?

If you're exhausted and overwhelmed on a regular basis, you're more susceptible to physical and mental disorders. You may need time and help to recharge your batteries and find coping mechanisms. And it's important to take action now for the future. After all, when you're the mother or father of a "special needs" youngster, you're in it for the long term.

An experienced professional can help give you concrete ideas for finding time and space for yourself. He/she can also work with you to develop specific coping strategies. Changes in attitude can make a big difference, and there are many ways to work on your own feelings. It may also be helpful to have an appropriate time and place to let out pent-up frustration that's so often a part of coping with a youngster with an Autism Spectrum Disorder.

It's important to find a psychologist, psychiatrist, or social worker who has specific experience in working with families affected by autism spectrum disorder. To find such a person, get in touch with local support groups and ask for advice. Check out online databases. Ask your family doctor for suggestions, too. Some states offer a service called "mobile therapy." This program brings therapists into your home to work with you and your whole family.

The main thing parents with an HFA youngster need to know is that they are not alone. There is help out there! Even if you are a single mom raising kids alone, there is help. It's up to the parent, however, to realize that it's not a sign of failure as a parent to need and accept help in caring for your child.

Discipline for a child on the autism spectrum is often very different than the way you would discipline a neurotypical child. So a parent is often left feeling helpless and not knowing what to do, and feeling they have nowhere to turn in getting a break from parenting. In fact, a lot of moms and dads actually feel guilty for even wanting a break, let alone taking one. 
 
The idea of a few hours away from their youngster makes them feel as though they are failing him or her as a parent. For some reason, some parents feel that to parent their youngster, that means being around them and caring for them 24/7 without any outside help.

Moms and dads need to take a break! Hire a competent babysitter, even a nurse if needed, get family to help, ask a friend for help! The point is this: get out of the house alone or with your spouse for a few hours and enjoy yourself. You can’t change any of the issues your youngster may have, but you can get a break. You can get out a few hours a week alone to unwind and you can get help to allow you to get that much needed break.

There are no easy answers on how to raise a son or daughter on the spectrum. Every child is different, as is every parent in their parenting methods. But the stress level is invariably there. Handling the stress is necessary in order to provide good care not only for your youngster, but for yourself and the rest of the family as well.

Many parents go through a difficult time when their youngster is first diagnosed. But after a year or two, most do learn to cope, enjoy their youngster's achievements and their own lives, and have fun.

These "special needs" children are special indeed – and we love our children very much. But we as moms and dads need to be able to unwind and relieve the stress so that we are better able to parent. Never feel guilty for needing to ask for help!

Bottom line: If you're not the person you normally are, then that's a reason to get help, or at least consider that possibility.

By

SUPER Important Tips for Parents of Children on the Autism Spectrum

Understanding the implication of ASD (high-functioning autism) can bring a greater level of tolerance and acceptance for those with the condition.  
 
Here are some traits and behavior patterns commonly seen in ASD:

• A youngster can be helped if parents consistently work with him and highlight his strengths and work consistently on his weaknesses.

• ASD is often detected when a youngster starts preschool. He will generally interact better with his teacher than his peers and may display silly, loud, aggressive or socially withdrawn behavior.

• Kids on the autism spectrum express their feelings in unpredictable ways. Sometimes they may seem emotionless and other times they may display extreme emotion that is not appropriate to the situation.

• Kids with ASD prefer routine and structure and can become irritable and distressed if the unexpected happens.

• Eye contact is not understood or made use of.
 

• Gross and fine motor skills are often underdeveloped, causing problems in sports and balance.

• Intense preoccupations often center on certain toys or areas of interest. Common obsessions are dinosaurs and forms of transport and how they work.

• Interrupting conversations is a common problem as the youngster does not understand the social signals that allow conversation to move from one to another.

• It is possible to teach social skills but it is a long slow process and often requires parental intervention to repair social damage when they act inappropriately.

• Many kids are perfectionists and struggle if they fail to produce perfect schoolwork. Encourage them to move on, and create distractions if necessary to get them to continue working.

• Most children with the disorder are of average or above average intelligence.

• Older kids may enjoy a club that is focused on their interest – for example, coin or stamp collecting.

• On a positive note, this aversion to rule-breaking means the youngster is less likely to experiment with smoking, drinking, drugs, and sex as he matures.

• Rules are very important and a youngster may become angry if a game is not played fairly or his peers break school rules.

• Short stories can be useful in teaching social skills. Use one page visual aids that teach about listening to others and keeping quiet and still while they talk.

• The youngster may appear cold and uncaring but it is not deliberate. He does not think about others and cannot understand the social graces that keep society functioning.

• They find it hard to generalize. If taught that they shouldn’t hit a youngster at school, they do not automatically make the connection that they shouldn’t hit a youngster in the mall.

• They have excellent thinking skills where things are concerned but are extremely poor at interpreting human relationships.

• They will often seek out other people to talk to about their interests. The conversation is usually one-sided – more like a lecture where they talk about their knowledge and aren't interested in feedback.
 

• Things are interpreted very literally, meaning that sarcasm, playful teasing and figures of speech are not understood.

There is hope for kids who have autism, and with training and support from their family and health professionals, they can live meaningful, productive lives. 
 
 

 
 
Here are some important parenting tips to implement ASAP:

1. Although it is not the youngster’s fault, he will still ultimately be the one to take the consequences of his behavior. It will help your youngster if you can explain the consequences clearly and logically when your youngster is able to listen.

2. Celebrate your child’s humor, creativity, and passion.

3. Do you want to understand the child`s actions? Just ask yourself: What behavior would make sense if you only had 4 seconds to live?

4. Don’t argue; nag; or attempt unsolicited and spontaneous transplants of your wisdom to your youngster. Instead, either a) decide that the issue is aggravating but not significant enough to warrant intervention; or b) make an appointment with your youngster to discuss the issue.

5. Especially with teens, negotiate, negotiate, and negotiate. Parents need to model negotiation, not inflexibility. Don’t worry about losing control: the parent always gets to decide when negotiation is over and which compromise is accepted. Remember: negative behaviors usually occur because the child is spinning out of control, not because he is evil. While evil behavior would need to be aggressively squelched, the much more common overwhelmed behavior needs to be calmly defused.

6. Forgive your youngster and yourself nightly. You didn’t ask to live with the effects of ASD any more than did your youngster.

7. Head off big fights before they begin. Seek to diffuse, not to inflame. When tempers flare, allow everyone to cool off. Serious discussion can only occur during times of composure.

8. If it is working, keep doing it. If not, do something else.

9. If your youngster has a meltdown, the most important thing to remember when dealing with these situations is to try to figure out what caused them. Your youngster is not doing this to intentionally annoy you; he is doing it because he has reached his limit of tolerance in whatever he is dealing with. If you feel his meltdown was caused by a change in routine, reassure him of the routine for the rest of the day and that the routine will not change the next day, if that is the case.

10. Imagine your youngster delivering your eulogy. What do you want him to say about you? Keep those bigger goals in mind as you choose your interactions/reactions to your youngster.

11. Instead of punishing wrong behavior, set a reward for the correct behavior you would rather replace it with. Rewards should be immediate, frequent, powerful, clearly defined, and consistent. Also remember that a behavior always gets stronger before it changes.

12. Keep a sense of humor. Seek to enjoy – not to scream.

13. Pick your fights. Is the issue at hand worth chipping away at your relationship with your youngster? Can your youngster really control the offending behavior at this moment?

14. Plan ahead. Give warnings before transitions. Discuss in advance what is expected, and what the results might be. Have the youngster repeat out loud the terms he just agreed to.

15. Recognize that attention issues in the youngster are only the tip of the iceberg that the whole family must address.

16. Remember that a youngster on the spectrum is still a youngster with thoughts and feelings, and that you are the adult this youngster looks to for support and guidance.

17. Remember that these young people have two time frames: Now, and Huh. There is no future. There is only now. The past is non-negotiable.
 

18. Review this text, and others, periodically. You are going to forget this stuff, and different principles will likely be needed at different stages.

19. The kids who need love the most will always ask for it in the most unloving ways.

20. The most important thing is to be consistent. Kids with ASD thrive on routine. Everything needs to be done at the same time, in the same way, every day, as much as possible, to give the youngster a sense of safety and security. When there will be a change in your youngster's routine, tell them as far in advance and explain what will happen. When you talk to your child, you should use a calm and even tone of voice, and use explicit language that says exactly what you mean. Do not make requests too complicated or ask a youngster to do things with too many steps at once. Try to keep your language as literal as possible. Try to be very verbal. If your youngster does something right, praise them for it.

21. The patient in ASD is the whole family.

22. This is hard work. It is also hard work for your youngster.

23. This is not a contest with your youngster. The winner is not the one with more points. The winner is the one whose youngster still loves them when they graduate from high school.
 

24. You do not have a standard youngster. You can view the issue as a disability. Or, you can view it as wonderful uniqueness. Or, you can view it as both. This "disability outlook" will help because it eliminates blame; sets reasonable expectations thereby minimizing anger; and points the way for parents/teachers to see themselves as "therapists" not victims.

25. You will make it through this; you have no choice.

Kids on the spectrum are for the most part bright, happy and loving kids. If we can help break through to their 'own little world' we can help them to cope a little better in society. They have a need to finish tasks they have started. Strategies can be developed to reduce the stress they experience at such times. Warnings that an activity is to finish in x minutes can help with older kids. With younger kids attempts to 'save' the task help - videoing a program, mark in a book, etc.

As the kids mature some problems will get easier, but like all other kids new problems will emerge. Some teenagers can feel the lack of friendships difficult to cope with as they try hard to make friends in their own way but find it hard to keep them. This is not always the case. Many have friends who act as 'buddies' for long periods of time. Social skills will have to be taught in an effort for them to find a place in the world ... so take all opportunities to explain situations time and time again ..... and one day.......it may work!
 

Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
By

Disciplinary Tips for Difficult Kids on the Autism Spectrum

Disciplining kids displaying difficult behavior associated with ASD or High-Functioning Autism (HFA) will often require an approach that is somewhat different as compared to “typical” kids. Finding the balance between (a) understanding the needs of a youngster on the autism spectrum and (b) discipline that is age appropriate and situationally necessary is achievable when a few effective strategies are applied. These strategies can be implemented both at home and school.

Traditional discipline may fail to produce the desired results for kids with HFA, primarily because these children are often unable to appreciate the consequences of their actions. Consequently, punitive measures may worsen the type of behavior that they are intended to reduce, while at the same time, creating anxiety in both the youngster and parent.

Behavioral Diary—

Parents and teachers should consider maintaining a diary of the youngster's behavior with the goal of discovering patterns or triggers. Recurring behavior may be indicative of the youngster taking some satisfaction in receiving a desired response from parents, teachers, and even classmates. For instance, the HFA youngster may come to understand that hurting one of his peers will result in his being removed from class. 
 
In this case, punishing the youngster for the behavior, or attempting to explain the situation from the perspective of the injured peer, may not provide a solution. Instead, it would be best to address the root cause behind the motivation for the misbehavior. A good question to find the answer to may be, “How can my student be made more comfortable in class so that he will not want to leave it?”

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

Positive versus Negative Discipline—

One of the ways to address problematic behaviors in autistic kids is to focus on the positive. Praise for good behavior, along with positive reinforcement (e.g., a Reward Book), often helps. Given the autistic youngster’s tendency toward low-frustration tolerance, a verbal cue delivered in a calm manner will elicit a more favorable response than a harsher one. Also, when giving instruction to stop a particular form of misbehavior, it should be expressed as a positive rather than a negative (e.g., rather than telling the youngster to stop hitting his sister with the ruler, the youngster should be directed to put the ruler down – in this way, he is being instructed to DO something positive rather than STOP something negative).


Obsessive or Fixated Behavior—

Almost all kids go through periods of development where they become engrossed in one subject matter or another. But, kids with HFA often display obsessive and repetitive characteristics, which can have significant implications for behavior. For instance, if the youngster becomes fixated on reading a particular story each night, she may become distraught if this routine is disrupted, or if the story is interrupted.

As mentioned earlier, the use of a behavioral diary can help in identifying fixations. Once a fixation is identified, it is important to set appropriate boundaries. Providing a structure within which the child can explore the obsession can help keep the obsession within reasonable limits, without the associated anxiety that may otherwise arise through such restrictions (e.g., telling the youngster she can watch her favorite cartoon for 30 minutes after dinner, and making time for that in her daily routine).

It’s acceptable to use the obsession to motivate and reward the youngster for good behavior. However, make sure that any reward associated with positive behavior is granted immediately in order to help her recognize the connection between the two.

A particularly helpful technique to develop social reciprocity is to have the youngster talk for 5 minutes about her favorite subject – but after she has listened to the parent talk about an unrelated topic. This helps the youngster to understand that not everyone shares her enthusiasm for her “special interest.”

Sibling Issues—

For brothers and sisters who are not on the spectrum, the preferential treatment received by an HFA sibling can give rise to feelings of confusion, frustration, and resentment. Oftentimes, siblings will fail to understand why the “special needs” child apparently seems free to behave as he pleases without much in the way of punishment.

Parents set the tone for sibling interactions and attitudes by example and by direct communications. In any family, kids should be treated fairly and valued as individuals, praised as well as disciplined, and each youngster should have special times with parents. Thus, moms and dads should periodically assess the home situation. Although important goals for a youngster with “special needs” are to develop feelings of self-worth and self-trust, to become as independent as possible, to develop trust in others, and to develop to the fullest of his or her abilities, these goals are also important to the “neurotypical” (i.e., non-autistic) siblings.

To every extent possible, parents should require their HFA child to do as much as possible for himself. Moms and dads should provide every opportunity for a normal family life by doing things together (e.g., cleaning the house or yard, going on family outings, etc.). Also, the youngster with the disorder should be allowed to participate as much as possible in family chores, and should have specific chores assigned (as do the other kids).

Sleep Difficulties—

HFA kids are well-known for experiencing sleep problems. They may be more likely to become anxious about sleeping, or may find they become anxious when waking during the night or early in the morning.

Parents can reduce the youngster's anxiety by making her bedroom a place of safety and comfort (e.g., remove or store items that may be prone to injure the youngster if she decides to wander at night). Also, include in a behavioral diary a record of the youngster's sleep patterns. Keep a list of the child’s routine (e.g., dinner, bath, story, bed, etc.) in order to provide structure. Include an image or symbol of her waking in the morning to help her understand exactly what will happen. In addition, social stories have proven to be a particularly successful method in decreasing a youngster's anxiety by providing clear instructions on how part of her day is likely to unfold.

At School—

Another autistic trait is that the affected youngster will often experience difficulty during parts of the school day that lack structure. Difficulties with social interaction and self-management during “free time” can result in anxiety. The use of a “buddy system” and the creation of a timetable for recess and lunch times can help provide some structure.

Teachers should explain the concept of free time to the HFA youngster, or consider providing a separate purpose or goal for the youngster during such time (e.g., reading a book, helping to set up paint and brushes for the afternoon tasks, etc.).

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

In Public—

Kids with HFA can become overwhelmed to the point of meltdown by even a short exposure to certain public places (e.g., a noisy crowded store). Some parents simply avoid taking their youngster out to such places.

Consider providing the youngster with an iPod, or have the radio on in the car to block out stress-inducing sounds and stimuli. Prepare a social story or list describing the details of a trip (e.g., to the store or doctor). Be sure to include on the list your return home. Also, consider giving the youngster a task to complete during the trip, or having him assist you in some chore (e.g., carrying groceries).

Overprotective Parenting—

Some moms and dads of “special needs” children can become overprotective. They may make frequent excuses for their youngster’s behavior, or they may not discipline where most others agree it to be warranted. When this occurs – regardless of the youngster’s disorder – the balance of authority shifts. The youngster gains more and more control while being protected in a sheltered environment with little or no discipline.

Parents who are overprotective, who do very little in the way of discipline, and who micromanage every aspect of their child’s life are teaching some very artificial life lessons that will significantly hinder their youngster in the real world. Knowing when, how, and how much to discipline the HFA youngster can be very challenging. Parents may be filled with worry for their youngster and her future. But, they still need to find balance in their role as a parent and disciplinarian. There is a fine line between being an effective parent and being perceived as coddling of the “special needs” youngster.

The youngster’s diagnosis is a label that describes just a small fraction of who that person is. He is many other things. His diagnosis does not exclusively define him. In valuing the youngster’s gifts and talents – along with understanding his diagnosis – parents must be cautious about going to extremes. Of course, they have every reason to be a strong advocate on behalf of their youngster and in protection of his rights. But, this does not exempt the child from being disciplined.

Even children with a “disorder” should be permitted to make long- and short-term mistakes (with support and guidance, however). This is a real challenge for parents who are naturally protective of their youngster. But, it is the only way she will be able to learn and prepare for greater independence in the future. Where possible, parents should look for small opportunities to deliberately allow their youngster to make mistakes for which they can set aside discipline-teaching time. It will be a learning process for both the child and parent. Disciplining the youngster should be a teaching and learning opportunity about making choices and decisions. But, when she makes mistakes, assure her that she is still loved and valued.

Praise and Rewards—

One of the best methods for correcting “bad” behavior is to focus on the child’s acceptable behavior and provide rewards so that he is encouraged to repeat the “good” behavior. To do that, parents must first establish some ground rules. The ground rules must state specifically what is considered acceptable behavior – and what is not. Parents should catch and reward their child when he is well-behaved and following the rules. A reward doesn’t necessarily have to be a physical or expensive reward. It can be genuine praise or a word of encouragement. Most importantly, the reward must be clear and specific. The youngster should be able to know exactly the behavior that earned the reward for (e.g., rather than saying "good job," say "thank you for cleaning up your room").

Inability to Generalize—

Most HFA kids are not able to generalize information. They are usually not able to apply what they learn in one learning context to another. For instance, the child may learn that hitting his friend at school is not acceptable, but he may not necessarily understand that he can’t hit his sister at home. Once the situation changes, it will be a totally a new learning experience for the child. Thus, parents must be consistent and provide many repetitions in disciplining him. A consistent environment and many repetitions will help the youngster to learn and remember the differences between right and wrong.

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

The Difference Between Discipline and Punishment—

Discipline is: 
  • "Time-outs" that are open-ended and governed by the child's readiness to gain self-control
  • Acknowledging or rewarding efforts and good behavior
  • Consistent, firm guidance
  • Directed at the child's behavior, never the child’s personality
  • Giving children positive alternatives
  • Listening and modeling
  • Logical consequences that are directly related to the misbehavior
  • Physically and verbally non-violent
  • Positive, respectful
  • Re-directing and selectively "ignoring" minor misbehavior
  • Reflection and verbal give-and-take communication
  • Teaching children to internalize self-discipline
  • Teaching empathy and healthy remorse by showing it
  • Understanding individual abilities, needs, circumstances and developmental stages
  • Using mistakes as learning opportunities
  • When children follow rules because they are discussed and agreed upon
  • When children must make restitution when their behavior negatively affects someone else

Punishment is: 
  • "Time-outs" that banish a child for a set amount of time governed by the parent
  • Being told only what NOT to do
  • Children are punished for hurting others, rather than shown how to make restitution
  • Consequences that are unrelated and illogical to the misbehavior
  • Constantly reprimanding children for minor infractions causing them to tune-out
  • Controlling, shaming
  • Criticizing the child, rather than the child's behavior
  • Forcing children to comply with illogical rules "just because you said so"
  • Inappropriate to the child’s developmental stage of life
  • Individual circumstances, abilities and needs not taken into consideration
  • Negative and disrespectful of the child
  • Physically and verbally violent or aggressive
  • Reacting to - rather than responding to - misbehavior
  • Sarcastic
  • Teaching children to be controlled by a source outside of themselves
  • Teaching children to behave only when they will get caught doing otherwise
  • When children follow rules because they are threatened or bribed

Discipline is guidance. When we guide children toward positive behavior and learning, we are promoting a healthy attitude. Positive guidance encourages a child to think before he acts. It also promotes self-control. Punishment, on the other hand, is a type of parental-control behavior. Basically there are 3 kinds of punishment: (1) penalizing the child with consequences that do not fit the crime (e.g., "Because you told a lie, you can't have your allowance"); (2) physical (e.g., slapping, spanking, switching, paddling, using a belt or hair brush, etc.); and (3) with words (e.g., shaming, ridiculing, cussing, etc.).

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

Punishment is usually used because it vents the parent’s frustration, it's quick and easy, parents don't know other methods, and it asserts adult power. Punishment does not promote self-discipline. It only stops misbehavior for that moment. Punishment may fulfill a short-term goal, but it actually interferes with the accomplishment of the long-term goals of self-control. The outcomes for children who are punished include ideas such as: 
  • “It is okay to hit people who are smaller than you are.”
  • “It is right to hit those you are closest to.”
  • “Those who love you the most are also those who hit you.”
  • “Violence is okay when other things don't work.”

Conclusion—

From the moment parents hear the diagnosis, they know life will be more challenging for their “special needs” youngster than for her siblings. So, when they ask her to do something and it's not done, they may let it go. Or they may fear that what they like her to do, or not do, is impossible for her to achieve. But, if parents feel that their child doesn't deserve discipline, it's like telling her, "I don't believe you have what t takes." And if parents don't believe it, neither will the child.

Behavior management is not about punishing or demoralizing the youngster. Instead, it's a way to lovingly set boundaries and communicate expectations. Discipline is one of the most important ways that moms and dads can show their HFA child that they love and care about him.



==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
By

Recent Comments & Questions

COMMENTS AND QUESTIONS

Resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

 ==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

 ==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

 ==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

 ==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book
==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism


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My AS son just turned 26 and is in the undergraduate mechanical engineering program at Portland State University.  He moved back home this January after living five years as a roommate elsewhere while I financially supported him while he went to school. He was sub optimally getting by. His sleeping and eatingwere irregularly. He was smelly and messy. He was staying up all night with his computer games and procrastinating studying.  He has all the usual problems. I brought him back home so I could observe him and begin raising the bar by having expectations. I finally woke up to the fact that my parenting style has been detrimental to his growth. I am committed to change. I saw in a flash that he was manipulating me to shirk responsibility and it was I who taught him this behavior starting when he was young. I realize now I was afraid of his anger.

Do you do consulting? I am looking for help implementing a new structure that addresses his situation. I have started a bit to assert myself and have had several staring down sessions where for the first time I have held my own. And like the parents you describe I have many emotional buttons that get pushed and I can be triggered by my fear.

Let me know if you or who can help me find my parenting path. I am retired (I am 67) and need him to be able to function at a higher level.

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Hi, I need help with dealing with my husband and balancing life with my kids.
I almost feel like it is impossible to live with him and that we get along a lot better living apart as friends. Everything a Asperger wife goes through that is me , how w do I fight being emotionally stressed, and create a life of my own. Why do I feel so weighed down and can’t enjoy life when he is around but supper happy when he is not around. I don’t understand because he literally sits on the games and phone, doesn’t bother me, I can do and go where I want. He is a okay dad beside being attracted to his obsessions. He tells me I just can’t be happy. If I leave he try’s to take everything from me and the kids to force me to come back. He is very immature and lies a lot and he s responses always change depending on what mood he is in. I need help processing all this, I have put up a wall and taught myself not to care about (I’m so it won’t hurt me but now I’m stuck because kids want us to be a family and I do not know how. I feel like secretly contactiNg a old friend of mine just to have conversation here and there with opposite sex and be able to laugh sometimes. I do pray a lot as well. Help please.

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My son had a very difficult traumatic experience in a small private school in kindergarten. We pulled him out in Feb of his Kindergarten year and started homeschooling.

We got several Dx from several doctors stating profoundly gifted/Quirky.....our last Dx was Twice Exceptional. (Profoundly gifted-with learning differences in dyslexia dysgraphia and executive functions...it might of stated processing delay, I can’t fully recall.

Everything that describes HFA he does...to some degree...I really don’t see much difference between 2e and HFA.

He is now 14 and starting to show signs of depression, isolation, lack of motivation.

We have decided to enroll him in public high school for the fall.

He says he is very nervous but also excited at the possibility of making new friends.

I have been his teacher for the past 9 years. He will need some accommodations in the areas of timed testing (causes anxiety and blank mind) He will also need organizational / executive functioning skill help, ideally very little to no homework would  be nice, as the whole high school day might be stimulating enough and honestly candidly we are more concerned with integrating over academics at this point.

Can you please help me plan out what accommodations I ought to ask for to set him up for success in high school?

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So here’s my story. My fiancé and I met September 2018. Everything was so great I knew he has aspbergers but that didn’t bother me. He also has 2 children , didn’t bother me. We got engaged in December and I moved in fully in January 2019. Everything from there is when i have been noticing his asperger traits coming out. He puts me down jokingly it doesn’t bother me anymore.. he has outbreaks of anger when he’s overwhelmed (not toward me unless I hound or confront him) and I haven’t been the best I can be for him. I get mad and yell at him when he can’t understand me, I get depressed emotional and I just don’t know how to react I’m still learning. Beginning of March I caught him txting a girl (some random girl he had a thing with nothin serious) I didn’t get to read or explore I just didn’t want to know anything . After he asked me to come back he explained that his sister knows her and the girl has just been talking about him and kept trying to reach out so he did. He said it didn’t feel right and that he would never do it again and that he knows they will never work out. He was just curious as to why she would keep saying things and wanting to talk to him. so I am absolutely terrified. He’s explained to me he wouldn’t ever cheat and it’s not his intention.He always always shows me affection and we have a sex life he isn’t really distant other than not txting me as much during work (as I say he is comfortable enough he doesn’t need to blow me up anymore ) but me being me I keep constantly bringing this girl up because of what happened I never got a full answer and as I know now he can’t really explain or express anything . He doesn’t know why he did it he says. 😞since then he has unblocked her on fb once but (she has him blocked from messaging her) and he knows I always check to see if it’s unblocked and he stated he did it to piss me off because I started screaming at him so I am trying to stop getting mad at him and stop fighting over stupid things ... I really want to believe this isn’t going to happen again. He hasn’t talked to her or unblocked her he did open up and tell me he was just upset and thought I was done.. I know my best friends husband has aspbergers and she keeps telling me I need to lay off just let it go and let it be or I will push him away. He has never once told me to leave him he is always always affectionate there hasn’t been anything weird or distant other than when we have disagreements. She feels I am pushing him away by not letting the little things go 😞and I want to learn to be his PEACE but I also don’t want him to want someone else. He has not ever once said he didn’t want me he never once has not spent a day with me since September we have gotten through so many obstacles AS A COUPLE and he knows it he always says I love you. I just need some advice on what to do. What to say what not to say and to see how to go about going forward.

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Our 13 year old son has just been diagnosed as an Asperger’s teen after having a psychological exam (WISC-V). His school recommended he get tested after several behavioral issues at school. The examined revealed he is “twice exceptional.” We always knew our son was quite intelligent, but had not noticed anything unusual in his earlier years. It was not until middle-school his behavioral issues surfaced.

I am looking for suggestions on how we tell our son about his condition. The psychologist apparently did not explain anything to him. I asked my son if the psychologist explained or told him anything about Asperger’s, to which he replied “no.”

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Hi Mr. Hutton,

I'm intrigued and interested in your work and ebook, as we have a 19 year old still at home that we've been trying to motivate to move forward in life.

Our challenge might be a little different though, and so I'm checking in to see if your methods are the right fit.

We've been facing some pretty intense challenges around his being targeted by an online cult, and the experts on this tell us that as long as he is still with us and hasn't gone to
be with the cult, we still have a chance to undo the brainwashing they've done to him.

It has been a terrifying two years, and we're treading very carefully.  We've helped him get a car so that he will begin looking for a job, and he has verrrry slowly applied to two at this point.  He has one interview with a crime scene clean up company...which in and of itself is something we cannot imagine him doing, but he's dead set on it.

So, while we want to encourage the life skills and the independence, we don't want to alienate him so that he moves towards this dangerous cult and leaves to be more enmeshed with them.

My question to you is, have you encountered anything like this before, and also, do you think your ebook can still help us without alienating him and potentially risking him getting more deeply enmeshed in this potentially life-threatening group?

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My HFA child is seven. For the past few years, we have had fun encouraging his obsessions or special interest due to the positive nature and results it brings. When he wanted to know everything in the world about dinosaurs, it was fun to read tons of books from the library and watch him impress people with his knowledge of different species.
Recently, however, he has started to obsess over violence. He is constantly asking me questions about movies he isn't allowed to watch, like Deadpool, Venom, or Chucky, and drawing pictures of villains. At first, I would answer him by saying things like, "Deadpool curses and we don't want you hearing those words." or "Chucky hurts people and seeing that doesn't make me feel good." But I notice he is asking me how Chucky hurts people or if Deadpool shoots people. He wants specific details. I don't want to lie and I want to help him face these fears, but I am reluctant to answer many of these questions.
I know he has heard of these sorts of characters at school and I suspect he is obsessing because he is anxious about their actions and/or wants to be able to talk to his peers about them when they bring it up as a way of socializing. He has never seen Deadpool or Venom or Chucky, and yet I notice him asking kids he has never met in the grocery store or other social situations if they have seen it. When they answer yes, he starts drilling them to find out all the details of the movie. If they answer no, he immediately tells them that Deadpool kills people or venom eats people. He doesn't see that this scares them or why it's bad to get a scared response.
As I said, in the past, we have dealt with his special interest by finding a way to use it to socialize or make it positive. How can I do that here? How can I relieve his anxiety and answer his questions without making him seem violent to others or encouraging him to focus on violence?
I don't want to give him the gory details of our violent culture but I don't want to leave him in the dark to deal on his own. How do I talk to him about this?
Your website and videos have been so helpful in the past and I have scoured the internet looking for the answers but this time I can't find it. Please help me by answer this for myself and other parents in the same situation.

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Hello Mark,

Our son graduated high school last spring with an over all GPA of 3.7.  He was MVP of the year in soccer his junior year. From anyone looking in from the outside, no one would ever know he had once been diagnosed with ASD. He was ‘recovered’ with intense biomedical intervention by age 8. But still had problems making friends. He is the youngest of 4 sons.  He got very sick last year and was unable to start college. We got that figured out finally, but as he started getting well, this spring, getting ready to sign up for college, he suddenly became super depressed, stopped taking the supplements that were helping him, etc I think you get the picture. This is not the first time that change caused him to hit a brick wall, but we forced him to do it and he got through it, but it was aweful. His first major brick wall was going to a new school in 9th grade (his brothers were there). Then me forcing him to go to soccer camp for a week the summer before his junior year because I felt he needed that experience away in that type of situation. Our other sons had all done 4 h camps, traveled with other various groups like kids and teenagers do, but Zack had always flat our refused to do anything like that, and I felt that in the end, it would help him. We thought he was over that, but now seeing what we are, I finally have understood that he is sabotaging his ability to get well because his once again, terrified of the change of going to college where he does not know anyone and it is the ‘new’ situation.  He does not live with us, we have a house near campus we bought that our others sons have all lived in. 2 still live there, but one just graduated college and will be out soon. The other son still there will probably be out by the end of summer.  Zack wants to come home, we don’t live that far, 10 miles. But part of what made him sick is a mold problem we have in our home and we don’t want him back in here in the mold and  as of right now, we don’t have the money to remediate, we are hoping to by the fall, have the money that is. But we still don’t want him to live with us, we want him to be in college, getting on with his life.  We need someone to help him find a way to make this transition. I don’t know that it is us that can.

I know you don’t know us, or our son, but we are at a loss and broke.  Our son has an appointment with a counselor tomorrow, but now I am not so sure I have pick the right counselor for him to see. I think the most important part as of this moment is for our son to even admit that it is his fear of the ‘new’ that is the problem, not this new imagined thing he has that has stopped him in his tracks and he has said he can’t go forward in life.

Any advice you can give us at this point is greatly appreciated.

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Mark,

I’ve have learned a lot from the sharing of your insights and clips of seminars. 

My husband, Scott, and I have been married 21 years, and all the pieces came together recently that I believe he is HFA.  He joked about taking a test at the end of last year that scored him on the spectrum.  After a series of signs, I finally began investing if he may be.  When I finally did, I couldn’t believe ther the wife’s experiences I read could have easily been written by me.  Best way to explain it is “grief-relief.”

I shared my belief about him possibly having HFA, and gratefully he was receptive and agreed.  It has been a bittersweet journey and am proud to say we’ve survived prior to putting a name on it. 

We met when we were both around 26 and married around 30.  God blessed us with an amazing daughter...now 14...that reminds me of why we are together and will continue to be. 

What are the next steps to beginning counseling?   You reference $49.00 to be paid at some point.  Is this the fee per 30 minute session?   Just want to know so can budget.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Mark,
I am a psychotherapist and I specialise in NT/Aspergers relationships, breakdowns and high conflict divorce as part of my work.
I have found your work very useful over the years when assisting clients. I would like to professionally chat to you at some point to share experiences of dealing with NT spouses and the fall out after divorce and separation on both parties. Your insight as to the empathy we have to have with aspergers adults and NT adults alike is so true and this compassionate stance is one that I also adopt. It is healing for all.
Apart from the professional growth that we both might benefit from, it would be useful to have a link in America and Australia where clients bight be referred to. Apart from getting help from someone closer to home, the international time barrier is an issue for me as I work in the UK.
I would also like very much to site, in full, a reference to an article that you have written, about the intricacies of parenting with an aspergers adult found on the Neurotypical site.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Kind regards,
Sarah Morris

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Mr. Hutten,
My son is 13 and  he was diagnosed with Asperger at age 6 by specialists.  His school however re-evaluated him and admitted him to to their  special ed as “emotionally disturbed”. For 6 years I believed that he was just that. Last year though, Sam, my son, showed me what he had just researched online, and read aloud all Asperger symptoms to me. Then he said “check” after almost every single one he had read. From then on, it  all started making sense. Now, the school wants him to go to a Neuro-Psychologist for another evaluation, because they can not correct their own diagnosis from  7 years ago. I am really disappointed because, based on what my son tells me, they are just clueless as to how to help him.
They make him feel like he was under an ongoing investigation, keep track of  his meltdowns and “alarming” behaviors. Blow things out of proportion to the point that my son feels like a “suspect” at the  school. They often  call him out of a  class in front of other kids to go to the Counseling.  In counseling he doesn’t feel comfortable because all they do is pick on his wrong doing or disturbing dreams or the violent drawings he makes. He started drawing pictures on his assignments papers that teachers found disturbing. Now they are calling on another PPT meeting. They have those goals and plans and schedules that don’t help. Sam feels isolated  and misunderstood. All he  wants is to avoid the  noise and chaos and be understood.
His father refuses to have him go thru another of those evaluations, he just wants the kid to be left alone, and give him room to just grow and mature. He doesn’t want to believe that his son is autistic. I just want to help my son but don’t know how and where to go for advise. I am surprised that I can’t find anyone who can relate to our situation and help. That’s why when i found your website it was like a god sent. I hope you will get this email and be able to let me know what do you think I should do to help Sam.

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I'm mother of four. The eldest is 21, Asperger's, adhd, dyspraxia and tourettes -some verbal, some motor tics. Jack is "complex" he's come out as bisexual and is now dressing as a male with fake boobs and girlie clothes. Shaving plucking preening is his daily task. Now we are pretty open minded parents bit our Jack is still very vunerable but doesn't seem to understand how as he is very nieve. How much do we allow him to preen and prime himself for his "night out". And at what point do we intervene? It's a confusing time for us. As although Jack is 21, he's much younger when it comes to the real world. Is this something u could help us with??

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I’ve been in the FB group for women with ASD men for a few months. I feel like I have a very solid understanding of ASD, my husband, and my situation. However, this evening I decided it might be worthwhile to get a “second opinion” (my opinion being the first. There’s a lot that makes sense to include, and a lot that’s relevant, but I don’t want to be up all night, and I assume you want to have a life, so I’ll try to distill it to what’s really key, then we can communicate further as needed.

In a nutshell, the question to consider is whether my husband can be persuaded to re-engage with me (and ideally a therapist) regarding the relationship.

I’ll start with the basic data:

My husband (Pushkar): 43, born and raised in India, moved to Germany, then the US. Recently naturalized. Software engineer turned MBA. Undiagnosed ASD. He’s very good at masking in most situations, to the point where even he isn’t aware that he’s doing it. To me, it’s absolutely undeniable.

Me (Jennifer): 40, born and raised in Dallas, went east for college, west for grad school, then parked it in California for many years working as an environmental geologist. Previously married, but no kids with my first husband. Potentially relevant is that I have a hx of treatment-resistant MDD, and I have chronic migraines. My last bout with MDD occurred in 2017, and was largely triggered by long-term stress of being the sole caretaker of the girls, the older of whom is autistic. Pushkar is largely checked out.

Child 1 (Rita): 7, ASD, VERY VERY ADHD, GAD, starting 2nd grade in a few weeks. Mainstreamed in public school, very bright, but has significant self-care deficits (not toilet trained, can’t eat — tube fed), and almost nil executive function. Restrictive/repetitive behavior and speech is pronounced, particularly perseverative speech. Of course, social skills are lacking. Meds are on board but nowhere near adequate. It’s a work in progress.

Child 2 (Leela): 4.5, NT, significant anxiety but no diagnosis, will be starting preK in a few weeks.

Pushkar and I met in late 2010, started dating 1/1/2011, got married 11/10/11, Rita was born 3/20/12, and Leela was born 10/24/14. You could say the relationship moved very quickly.

There was a time when I told Pushkar I was moving out with the girls. He said the one thing that could change my mind: he wanted to try counseling. He had previously declared he would not go to a therapist under any circumstances. I had asked him to go to therapy only weeks before, and he declined. When he realized he was losing his family, he changed his tune.

Therapy wasn’t that helpful. However, a month or two in, Pushkar finally started to get his head around Rita’s ASD diagnosis (one year later). He asked me how autism is defined, so I showed him the DSM-5 criteria for ASD. He read them, looked up, and said, “this is me.” No kidding. That’s what saved the marriage. From that point onward, we could explicitly address our different neurologies and work on issues in those terms. Since our daughter’s diagnosis, I’ve been doing my best to educate myself on all things autism, relying heavily on perspective taking (ironic, I know). I’ve read quite a few books by people with ASD to help me understand the experience. I also spent time working with and being trained by therapists and reading books about teaching relevant skills. I was able to apply the lessons I learned for Rita to Pushkar.

After making some phone calls, I found that having him formally evaluated wasn’t worthwhile. However, he did start working on social with Michelle Garcia-Winner.

I hit my rough patch. It was a tough time. Couples therapy and social therapy for Pushkar stopped. We moved from California to Dallas, where my family is. We didn’t have a support network in CA. Eventually I got back to a good place mentally, and stayed there.

At one point I asked Pushkar to return to counseling together, and to arrange to continue working with Michelle. I don’t recall what exactly prompted me to make that request.

Well, counseling wasn’t helpful, and after one meeting with Michelle he decided he didn’t see the point in social. He told me that he was not autistic after all. He had been mistaken. There are no problems in the relationship. The only problems exist in my perception. He would do no further work on the relationship, and he would not do anything more with therapists.

To me, that was the end of the relationship. He told me he wouldn’t put any further effort into it. If one person refuses to participate in a relationship, it isn’t a relationship. I realize he doesn’t understand it that way.

As it stands, I’m stuck in a holding pattern. I have a roommate, not a husband. I can’t leave and take care of Rita as she needs. Mostly, it’s tolerable, but it’s just trying to coexist, mostly. He isn’t a bad person, just uninvolved.

I’m quite certain that he meant it when he said no more effort, not autistic, no more therapy. One of my first efforts after that was to try to be clear that autistic means different, but not lesser or flawed. If an autistic person is lesser than a NT person, Rita would be lesser than Leela. That isn’t the case. Both kids are equally wonderful. They’re just each wonderful in her own way. It didn’t help.

I’ve basically given up at this point. At the same time, I still live with him, and it’s the only semblance of a relationship I can have, with our being married. Maybe it would be worth trying if I could convince him to come to the table. I don’t see a way to do that.

Thoughts?

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Good Evening Mr.Hutten,
My name is Angela. I saw your website and wanted to contact you.  I am a mom to two boys.  My one son is a 17 year old boy starting college in three weeks.  We have never had difficulty with him.  My younger son, however, has been difficult since he was two years old.  He is 14 years old, and has been very disrespectful to us as well some teachers at school.. He has been seeing a counselor since he was 10.   He is a very social young man with many friends.  We have had an ongoing (2 year) argument over the issue of a curfew.  We have a set curfew for him, during the school year week days he must be home by 9, and 10 on the weekends.  In the summer, we gave him a curfew of 10 on weekdays and 11:30 on weekends.  This however, is not good enough.  He has now begun to sneak out of the house.  He has been caught twice; once he was brought home by the police at 3:30 (he a his friends were riding their bikes on a main road), the other time he was caught coming in at 3.  We have grounded him, taken away his phone and video games.  He was complaint the first time he got caught and we thought this would not be an ongoing issue.  We were, of course, wrong.  I know it sounds like a cliché but we are at our wits end!!  We just don't know what to do.  We have resulted to adding door alarms and motion detectors in our home to keep him home.  Any advice would be much appreciated.

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Dear Mr. Hutten:

I'm a 71 year old man who was diagnosed with Aspergers just 5 years ago.  After 15 years of counseling (with many psychologist/therapists) and many drugs for social anxiety, stress, depression, etc... I finally know why I am the way I am and why the therapies and drugs didn't work.

This condition explains why I've lost multiple jobs and have been rejected by so many people (including "so called" friends)  My wife of 31 years finally gave up on me and divorced me in 2007 after our children grew up and left the house.  My 3 adult children abandoned me as well.

After being able to keep my last job for 11 years I was "retired" last year.  Although I hated the social aspects of the job (I was in marketing!!!), I was able to keep going emotionally by staying busy and having a good income.  Now I can't get a new job and just sit around getting more depressed with each day.  Suicide is looking like more of a solution every day.

My two younger children finally contacted me several months ago and wanted a "positive" re-connection.  I wanted them to know about my diagnosis and how Aspergers made me a lousy husband and father.  I sent many of your (and other therapists you tube videos) to them hoping they would help understand and accept me as I am.  It hasn't worked as I hoped.  I doubt that they even viewed them or don't understand that Aspergers applies to me. They still avoid me.

Right now I'm trying to find a local therapist who understands Aspergers in adults and can help me strongly get a real relationship with my children.  Most of the ones I've contacted only deal with children and very young adults.

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My granddaughter "C15" came to live with me when her mother's boyfriend became physically abusive a year ago. CPS opened a case, but determined that the family could handle it. No, we can't. C15 has had counseling and professional help, but this has only made her more like an OCC kid. She seems stuck in her pain.Yesterday violent language became destructive acts, things were broken, she injured her hand striking the door. We called the cops, and I took her to the ER. How do we defuse this? It seems we may need to file something like a PIN, and her mother wants her to be placed in a group home. C15 has expanded her opposition to everyone in our "toxic" family, and became violent when I told her she could not live with her new boyfriend and his roommates. She wants us to just not report her as runaway, because the legalities and parental responsibilities are only a problem for us. She can handle this herself. After all, we don't really want her a t home a nyway.

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My son is 16, a high school junior, super bright, loved by teachers and all adults, and liked by his peers though he stopped really socializing in middle school (except a little through Minecraft and Pokemon Go). Though he is not athletic and is 99% focused on computers (developing games more than playing them), he is a Boy Scout and looks forward to a weeklong summer camp every year. That, and campouts during the year, is really his only outdoor activity, and we are so grateful for it. He had a very difficult time in middle school, driven mostly by his sensitivity to the structure and his own restrictions about how things should be, for example insisting that he had to get 100% on everything or be 2 minutes early for class – anything else was a failure. He developed a lot of OCD traits in an effort to be able to control something. It was one of those situations where he held it all together in class and was highly regarded, but lost it at home. It eventually led to a psychological evaluation and placement in a new alternative high school program that offers high level academics in a less overwhelming setting. He takes medication for anxiety and depression which I would love to get him off of.

He has been diagnosed with Aspergers by some professionals, though he is not a clear case (is anyone?). His main traits are discomfort with his physical self, rigid thinking, and hyperfocus on his interest. He is not especially socially awkward, though he is shy. He is empathetic, understands social cues for the most part, behaves appropriately in social situations, makes eye contact, etc. In our initial psychological evaluation the Dr said he did not have Aspergers but he was on a superior intelligence scale that created some behaviors that mimicked Aspergers.  We haven’t shared this diagnosis with him explicitly because we don’t want him to grab on to a label, and many of the traits do not describe him.

Anyway, the issue is that he is brilliant but has no desire to go to college, work, or plan for an independent future. He is gifted at computer programming and game development, as well as other skills like teaching and analysis, but he does not see any reason he should ever have a job. He believes wholeheartedly that his current “hobby” (my word, not his) developing games for a small online community that shares games made using pieces of other trademarked games (which therefore cannot be sold) is his sole purpose in life.  We have talked ad nauseum about many educational opportunities beyond a 4-year college and have no issues with him pursuing a degree online, commuting to a local private or community college, going to a trade school etc. We also emphasize that opportunities abound for jobs beyond a traditional 9 to 5 desk job. We talk about the benefits of independence and supporting himself, etc. He has no desire to leave our house and has been resistant of any moves towards independence including driving, puberty/relationships, or showing any competence through chores.

I’m sure we have indulged him too much, not requiring much of him beyond going to school, but he’s 16 so it’s hard to push him to work etc . We have seen some changes come over time, very slow maturing, but it does happen. Punishments are difficult – he doesn’t have much he wants/needs and if we cut out electronics, it turns into a pointless war, and frankly, that is where he finds his talents, identity, and some online friends. We just try to provide some alternate experiences but there isn’t much he likes to do. When we talk about supporting himself someday, he goes right to the worst case worried that we will throw him out to a point that the conversation becomes fruitless.  We lean on outside forces for encouragement as much as possible as he is more likely to act on another’s request than ours, but his response to others is starting to dwindle too. 

While a lot sounds like an average spoiled entitled teen, I really don’t believe that is his intent. With his rigid thinking, he just sees something as he sees it and cannot consider an alternative. Our discussions are so frustrating because they don’t move him at all, and even when he is anxious about something and is able to get through a situation without that anxiety coming to fruition, he doesn’t learn from it, just holds the same anxious thoughts. His therapist is having difficulty seeing much significant change as well.

Do you have any thoughts on how to spur some motivation in him, or help him at least envision a future? The worst part is he really doesn’t see much of a purpose in life, not in a depressed way, but just blind to it. Part of me thinks he’s just behind emotionally and will eventually mature into it, but the other part does not want to be a hands-on mom forever. (He has a younger sister that is influenced by this as well).

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we are experiencing a family crisis situation with my 15 year old son, Ben, who was asked to leave our home and stay with his grandparents for a few nights after being verbally abusive - but refuses to come back home after 10 days. I'm sorry if you have covered this situation in your materials, but I did a search on your site and was unable to find advice about teens that won't return home. It makes it very difficult to implement your strategies
A little background:
We had just received feedback on a psychological assessment done on Ben, and he had not been diagnosed with ODD, but rather GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) which presents itself with irritability and acting out behaviours at home. But your descriptions seemed to fit Ben perfectly, so I decided to purchase your resource in the hopes it can change our family dynamic.
I am the stricter parent who sets lots of limits (without the poker face), and my husband is more of a conflict avoider - but we try to work together within a family contract  to set guidelines for Ben. Ben resents me and hate restrictions, and has always been more bonded to my husband. To be fair, I probably am too critical.
In the last month, Ben has destroyed some property (a lock box, smashed with hammer) and last week was very verbally abusive to me when I suggested he take a break from his screens (after 5 hours in a row) and come and eat and tidy up his mess. This type of behaviour had been building over time, and I was fed up with his emotional explosions. I asked Ben to leave the house and stay with his grandparents (they live next door and he gets along with them well) for a few nights. Typically in the past, Ben will take a while and then apologize and we can move on. But this is the first time that I have asked him to leave the house, and he initially refused as he didn't want me to 'win'. But now Ben has been staying at his grandparents, mostly just sleeping overnight, for 10 days, and refuses to talk to me or come home to live with us. He will come home and visit with my husband during the day (my husband is a farmer) when I am at work, and has been enjoying a hassle free time at his grandparents, and he also works part time - but he is stubbornly refusing to come home to live. My husband gives him rides to and from work, and he has been eating here during the day and picking up more clothes when I'm gone to work.
Do you have any suggestions on how to handle this situation? I feel awful that my family is fractured, and would really like to try your suggestions, but I'm not sure whether we should be pressuring Ben to come home so we can try to work on our family relationships. 

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Hello,
By Grace, I found your video on Youtube.  My name is Naomi and I suspect my partner is on the Autism spectrum, possibly affected mildly by Asperger's.  Since being together there has always been something not quite right, though I cannot put my finger on what exactly the issue is. We have been through many counselors, but not much has changed pertaining to our ongoing issues. He seems to not be able to understand my needs and may be unable to meet them. He is very easily overwhelmed, and he continually tells me “you are stressing me out”.  I cannot talk to him about important or significant things. It seems to rarely be a good time on his part for us to talk, and he seems to bail out of the conservation or become enraged. One previous counselor stated that my partner has a “personality disorder” and recommended Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.  However, my husband does not see an issue with himself and did not follow through with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, he agreed at first, then declined after we left the counselor’s office.  He tells me “I’m different” , “I’m sensitive” , “ don’t try to change me”.  I have been emotionally scared and emotionally separated from my partner for years. We are now separated, yet we talk to each other mostly every day. If our issues could become better, I would rather stay with him than to start over with someone else.  We have been in each other’s lives for close to 16 years.  Throughout all this time, I have been praying and hoping that we can communicate better and that our relationship would be better. I have been the one to seek help through all the different counselors but now, I am financially and emotionally drained. I am beginning to let go. I don’t really want to let go, but I need to have a safe and emotionally stable relationship - a good environment for myself and  future children. I would have liked to have already started a family instead of holding out waiting for so many years  for things to get better with us.  Now after close to 16 years, I don’t want to wait in vain any longer. I am thinking with my head now instead of my emotions.  I may be running out of time for things to be better between us. However, seeing your video gave me some hope and interest to reach out to you.  Can you please tell me about how your sessions work, cost etc…

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Hi Mark,
I am an NT wife married to a man who I just realized is on the spectrum...I was about to leave him and move out. I had consulted with an attorney about divorce. Yesterday I  bought your book (which I have not even read yet!) and I listened to your audios..and I feel like my eyes have been opened! I thought my husband was ignoring me on purpose and just being a jerk on purpose...and now I see that he truly is mind blind and is not doing this to hurt me! I had him take a quiz on line (Online Alexithymia test) about mind blindness and was blown away by his answers to the questions and the results.  I told him last night that I am not going to move out after all, and want to stay and work on my resentment and try to be more understanding.

I have a question...your page said that parts 1-3 are excerpts of a 4 hour presentation.  Is the rest of the presentation available also?  I have learned so much from parts 1-3 and want to learn even more.

Thank you so much for what you do!

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I have a question about my 16 hear old son. I'm at the end of the 2nd week of assignments. I know I'm supposed to wait till I've read the whole book but I need to know how to handle a certain situation.
Last night I gave my son a whole list of possible chores and told him to choose 5 for the week. (He doesn't presently do any) He refused and we had a huge fight. I kept very calm and didn't rise to his provocations.
He threatened to move in with one of his married sisters and I said that's fine, but no one's kicking you out. It's your choice.
In the end, he backed off of moving out.
My question is this, he has a couple thousand dollars in cash in my safe. He insisted that I take it out and give it to him, because the consequence of not doing any chores is that he won't get his allowance anymore. So he wants that savings money for his expenses. (I didn't take it out, I said I would do it today)
My husband thinks it's a huge mistake to give it to him. He feels that if my son ever gets mad enough to break something, we'll have his money to cover the cost. In the other hand, WWII is likely to break out if I don't give him his money that he worked for.
What should I do?

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Hi Mark, I am a member of your team, who got waylaid and disconnected from you for a while. I used your "out-of-control-teen" program at the time. My son is now a good and talented young man, who is writing and recording his own music. That said, he is having difficulty "launching". It seems to me he lacks confidence. I do have problems not worrying about his language processing difficulties, and learning disabilities. We are older retired parents, and need some coaching. I also believe my son needs a mentor in his music and career goals. Thanks for all you do.

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Hi Mark,

I have recently been told by a PSYD that I am on the autism spectrum.  I am waiting for her report and, of course, doing a deep dive into Aspergers/HFA.  What I have learned so far deeply resonates with my life experience. 

I'm 55 and have been married for almost 32 years.  I have damaged my marraige severely and want to save it.  My wife is willing to do Skype counseling with you and me if possible.  Now that I understand what I have I can deal with it as a whole and also get some understanding from my spouse.

I have a nephew with autism and possibly a second nephew.  My siblings and I suspect my father had Asberger's.  I have similar characteristics to him.  I am even wondering if my mother had it, too.

People have been upset with or vindictive to me in work situations and I don't know why because I purposely try not to offend people.  The latest blow to my being was being laid off a week after my award winning plant-based drinkable yogurts were debutted.  It send me into a deep depression which I am slowly climbing out of.

Please let me know if you can help our marraige.

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Hello Mark,

I am the wife of an undiagnosed HFA husband.
The key is undiagnosed. I don't even know how to bring it up, as the three times I've dared say anything related to Aspergers, it has been a huge fight. He gets very defensive and then starts saying hurtful things to me.

I am at my wits end and our marriage is hanging by a thread. He finally agreed to counseling, which is great. I'm having a very challenging time finding a counselor who is well-versed with ASD/HFA because the other four counselors' (three of which I saw solo) advice has made things worse. I really need someone who can give appropriate advice, as I am trying to save this marriage (just three years). And also someone who can find his motivation for change, as he will agree to things in theory but not apply it (we had counseling prior to getting married and he did go but really didn’t apply anything).

We are not at the same location for the time being. It's not relationship-based; just good timing for me to help out family and such.

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Hi Mark,
My son and I got into it about him needing to wash his dirty dishes before I took him to the mall yesterday. He refused. I stayed calm and poker faced and let him vent, but I stood my ground on the consequence, which was not being able to go shopping.
I went out for a few hours and when I came back I realized he was gone. I called around and found he had taken a taxi to his married sister. He slept there last night and went to school from there. I texted him that I love him and that I'm glad he has a safe place to cool off, but that he nerds to let me know where he's going. No answer.
He went back to her from school tonight. My daughter thinks I should go over and talk to him, but I feel it's just going to give him the impression that he's in control again. I asked her to let him know that, although he's welcome to visit now and again, he really needs to go home and work things out.
What should I do? Was I right or wrong in how I handled it? What's my next step?


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Dear Mark,

My sister, who is nurse, and passed along a link to your website in hopes that I may be able to read some of your E-books; she feels that my 19-year-old daughter may possibly be in the ASD/HFA spectrum.

Are you still selling the E-Books? Since there aren't dates on your website, I wasn't certain, so I wanted to reach out to make sure before I give out any credit card number to anyone or company.

Would your E-Book, Parenting Children & Teens with HFA help me to identify if my 19 yr old daughter is in the HFA category? Diagnosed with ADHD/Inattentive/ Mild Dyslexia (from comprehension and phonemic perspective),and Anxiety, she's always had difficulties in school since 3rd grade. Reading Comprehension, Remembering and Testing was always very hard for her, as was Social Cues/ Interaction with children her own age. She was bullied a lot (unbeknownst to me for a long time--so much for the kindness in Catholic grade school!) which she confided to me years later and is likely why her self esteem is so low. She tends to withdraw rather than deal with what she may feel is a chance of rejection as she is super sensitive. ( I was told this may be a "Rejection Senstivity Dysphoria" by one psychologist; however, it seems to be a common trait for both ADHD and ASD kids?)

What I didn't realize until perusing your website (a lightbulb went off in my mind) was how her much her sensory functions were affected and how this is also common in those teens with ASD...lights are too bright, sounds are too loud, doesn't like showers they bother her, etc ...I'm wondering if her ADHD really is ADHD, or if perhaps it's Aspergers or a combo of both? Does one need to be tested per say to get this diagnosis? (The Aspie is all new to me but she has several traits that overlap.) 

Along those same lines, she doesn't seem to have many interests and does not connect with the few close friends she has. She doesn't act depressed as her spirits are actually decent (she's on antidepressants as well as Vyvanse for the ADHD), but just doesn't seem to care or is apathetic if she interacts with anyone at all (including my husband and I.) She seems to be using an "avoidance" as a mechanism for everyone and everything as she doesn't want to hear about her issues (we annoy her it seems) and I'm wondering if this too, is common with ASD, and if so, is this discussed in your book? Or in your Teaching Social Skills/Emotional Management Ebook?

What complicates things is that she has dealt with a chronic medical condition (IBS-C & chronic anemia) but was able to function with that and school in the past. She did graduate from high school. But this year, sophomore year at our local community college, she just dropped out because she said she just "can't do school" it anymore, is exhausted/tired all the time (even with the iron meds)and was very very anxious. My husband and I will be bringing her to a few new doctors to see if we can better assess what's really going on with her, from a physical and mental health perspective. However, I can't help but wonder if the college aversion and /or avoidance is common on the ASD spectrum? While her medical condition is a factor, is it possible that this avoidance/aversion to school and people is also due to ASD/HFA? Is this commonplace?

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Hello, I am stuck here and am having trouble with process this. My husband has a hard time accepting constructive Critism. He will make excuses and blame anyone and everyone instead of taking responsibility. I could record him or even show photographic proof of a habit he has that is unproductive and hurting his family or something I’d like and have proof he will still find a reason to blame anyone but himself. Is this a aspergers struggle or is he using manipualtion?

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I found your information regarding Neurodiverse couples online. My husband is 50 years old and Was informally diagnosed with HFA in July of this year.  He readily accepts the diagnosis and was somewhat relieved to know that his behaviors/experiences has a name but we are having issues as a couple and he is t really doing anything to learn more about the problem.  Do you do online counseling or is it more of a coaching strategy? We need practical help as HFA has wreaked havoc on our relationship as well as therapeutic intervention as I believe I am resisting the work it takes to make this relationship succeed (eg I am falling into old communication patterns).
Any direction is appreciated.

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Dear Mr. Hutten, I have bought several of your books and read your articles on the computer. In fact I have been following you for years and appreciate your expertise. My daughter and her husband adopted two babies from Kazhastan who are now 13 and 16. The 16 year old is doing fine and the 13 year old has aspergers. My daughter and her husband are both teachers and keep up the best they can with any new information that would help their 13 year old son who is the love or their life ( along with his brother) and also greatly loved by his grandparents.

I am thinking they may need some help from you in the near future and I wonder if you would mind telling me how much your Skype sessions cost. I'm thinking they would need probably at least 6. I may be able to help with the cost of the sessions if I set money aside and made it available to them.  Thanks for any information you can provide.

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I have been in a relationship with an aspie man for almost three years now. He knows he’s different but not that he has aspergers.

I have read almost 30 books on this and watched/listened to countless videos, podcasts etc and even had a few visits to a specialist autistic psych. This was all in order to learn about the condition and how to better our relationship and communications.

Over time he has made so many conditional rules about our relationship I now wonder if he even loves me or wants to be with me at all.

I am not allowed to see him Monday to Thursday because these are ‘work days’. We used to see each other on weekends but about 18 mths ago he said he needed to get chores done and couldn’t see me on Friday nights or Saturday. Then in feb this year, his 16 year old daughter and her 21 year old boyfriend moved in with him full time and when this happened he said he wanted them to settle in so I couldn’t come to the house.

I have seen him about 6-8 times in 12 mths.  He also doesn’t like talking on the phone and hardly texts me (his preferred method of communicating) compared to what he used to.

I asked him about a month ago what I was to him and he said - well, someone I want to be with for the rest of my life. But, his actions don’t match those words at all. I am a very independent woman and definitely not needy but I do need some connection.

I seem to be someone he contacts when he needs advice or help and that’s about it. His kids ask why I don’t come to the house anymore.

I realise he has a lot of priorities but I never seem to be one of those even for some of the time. I feel like I am on a different planet to him and he is not letting me into his world.

We have never talked about getting married. We don’t live together. We haven’t even spent a weekend away because he always has an excuse.

I love him dearly but I feel like I am just having a relationship with myself and I am completely invisible to him.

Is there anything you could recommend I do to help us communicate and for him to actually realise I am alive and a person who occasionally needs a chat and a hug?

Would appreciate any guideance you may have. I have read your book Living with and aspergers partner and watched your YouTube videos.
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