Highly Acclaimed Parenting Programs Offered by Online Parent Support, LLC:
==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's
==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism
==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance
==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism
==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook
==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book
==> Highly Effective Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism
____________________
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am at the end of my rope and just need some guidance as I am about to just let go.
I pulled my child out of public school to help her. We were getting no assistance and no one was able to figure out her problems. We now do a private school 3 days a week, home school 2 days and weekends. Since then we have gotten our Asperger's diagnoses, below average working memory and ADD.
My problem is motivation. She has none. No desire to do any of the work. No desire to study for tests. Could Care less if she fails. I am paying an arm and leg for this school and am doing homework with her 30+ hours a week. And she doesn't care.
How do you teach that? We have had a lot of services for everything else and she is very high functioning in the social department now with the small school setting and good friends. But how do I keep paying all this money, sacrifice my life and time for a child who doesn't care about grades, homework or tests. If she fails they will kick her out. I am not asking for all A's (though I know she is smart enough to have them). She has a big test tomorrow and she hadn't studied a bit till I asked her this evening and we spent 3 hrs studying and I bet she knows about 25%.
I seriously just want to get in my car and drive away. I am so beside myself. And I can't hold my anger back which only upsets the situation more. But HOW DO YOU GET ACROSS HOW MUCH THEY NEED TO CARE WHEN THEY DONT!!??
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mister Hutten,
my name is Andrea and I am a 47 year old Asperger person living in Italy.
I was diagnosed as Asperger person in 2014 by one of the best specialist in Italy that, to make me feel sure that the diagnosis was right, sent me to another doctor to be diagnosed one more time.
The second doctor confirmed me as an Asperger adult person.
Since 2014 I have been with my girlfriend and we are living together since 2016. It is not easy to cope with someone like me but we really want to stay together very much.
Because of that I have been looking around for a blog like yours.
Have you ever though about having your book translated to italian? I think that many couples ASD/NT would be more than happy to ready it.
I will download the book and read it to with my girlfriend so she will be able to understand since her english is not good enough to read it by herself.
Thank you for your good work and support to people like me and couple like us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
last night we went out with a group of people for dinner ... there were a few other kids there however my son only wanted to play on his iPad. When his iPad ran out of battery ( about 15 minutes after we got there) he started crying .. and then complaining he was tired and getting loud. We ended up having to leave shortly after as to not ruin the night for everyone else. He continued the meltdown into the parking lot, in the car and we told him this behavior was not expectable. He insisted he was just tired and his behavior had nothing to do with the iPad .( we know that is not true he would be on the iPad 24 hours a day if we let him). We removed all electronics from his room when we got home and he went to sleep. I don’t know what to do in this situation how to prevent it or what to do make him understand this is not going to be tolerated . I want him to understand his behavior has consequences which is why we removed all electronics. Can you offer any advice ? This type of situation is a common occurrence. Help ?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I can’t really relate to younger children issues and I didn’t realize until my son was a sophomore in high school that the amount of behavioral issues and disrespect what not just me having a difficult child. I gave guilt for not seeing it earlier and helping him. He struggled some in middle school and then failed his first class in 8th grade.
He started on drugs, we ended up sending him to an intense daily program. It helped him tremendously. It taught him how to handle conflict and make good choices. Well that only lasted so long and he snuck out, Met a friend and they both got high. I seem to have a 2nd sense about this stuff and wasn’t sleeping when he left. I just felt like something was wrong and got up to find him gone. We started searching for him, as it was extremely cold and I had no idea what to expect. Nothing like this had ever happened to me. He was gone about 2 hours, I found out he was going out out side fence because he found out that was how to avoid the cameras we have. My husband found him, very high, and brought him home. There was no use trying to discuss with him or talk to someone when they are in that state. My husband stayed up with him because he had just started a medication through the program he had started. His excuse was, that he wanted one more day to just do it.
My husband and I are having a difficult time understanding because neither of us and our older (by 19 months) daughter, have never tried drugs. So I don’t understand the feeling, addiction, or pull it has on him.
He did graduate from the drug program. He felt better than he had in a long time and he told us the whole truth of how he was on very hard drugs, but he had a friend that died of overdose and so he was just vaping and marijuana. No matter what his psychiatrist said, or the number of articles I’ve shown him have gone on deaf ears.
He is rude, condescending, I’ve felt scared that he was going to hit me. It’s been extremely hard. I love my son more than anything. I could even go as far as saying we have always been close. So this has all wounded me pretty deeply.
He turned 18 in December. He is doing online high school (after I pulled him from the regular high school as a junior because of the friends and drugs. He was just going down hill and they were helping him get there) and after many tests for an IEP we now know how much he struggles. He only has 2 classes left to graduate. He is ignoring them and unfortunately I’m trying to talk to him while doing some of his work for him, while getting short and rude answers. He has moved out, the environment in our house when he was here was extremely dark. I have my own mental health problems and he was putting me in a very bad place because I am so helpless against him. His dad tries and ends up getting angry because of the way I am being treated and he just wants to refuse all help for him. I am struggling with that.
He is living with his sister and working mostly full time. I am just waiting for the day that he gets fired. He was fired from his last job because of wreck less behavior, which was him trying to “play” with someone he considered a friend. Who was not and went straight to management to get him fired. He pays rent at her house and I don’t know how much longer she will keep him there.
At that point I don’t know where he will go. Do I let him come home? Start our problems all over again? Do I tell him, he has made his choices not to be a part of our family...I do feel that mentally he is at about the age of a 15/16 year old. I don’t think he has a clue how to be an adult.
We’ve given him all the tools he needs to be successful in his job and life. All he has left is the 2 classes for high school. I know that if he doesn’t pass I can say for certain he will not be able to pass a GED class. We found out on certain classes and learning skills he has at about a 4th grade level. While in others he is at a college level.
We buy his groceries each week, we gave him our car (not the newest, but nice and in great condition). That was my request so he had no excuse not to get to a job. We still pay his insurance and phone. Other stuff we are leaving to him to figure out. Eventually, we will pull each thing from him.
I’m not even sure what I’m asking for. My husband thinks that I need to just cut off everything (especially me trying to help him finish school). This feels like cutting off an arm, taking away a piece of my heart. I am the one most affected by this, as I am the one he lashes out on and is the most awful to.
He has lost 20lbs and at 6’1”, he is below average weight at 140lbs. The last time he was this thin, it was due to drugs. I hate that my mind goes there.
At what point do you say enough is enough and truly let go. He is 18, I cannot force him into at home testing, like we were doing. I cannot make him do school. I can’t even make him go rotate his tires, or get a haircut when I am paying for it. I don’t know how to step back on a child that owns so much of my heart.
I would appreciate an outsiders opinion.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I read your article about parents with Aspergers and the disturbing reports from children. I need some direction. I’ve been dating a man for a little over two years. I’m extremely familiar with Aspergers (education in Early Childhood Development and Psychology) and know my boyfriend is on the spectrum. I have a six year old and have determined it is not in my child’s best interest to be parented by someone on the spectrum. (My sons father passed away when he was just 2.5 and he doesn’t remember his dad) I’ve kept my son out of the relationship, entirely. I’ve decided that it’s best if I end the relationship. Here’s my struggle. My boyfriend has three boys. A 22 year old diagnosed with Aspergers, a neurotypical 19 year old and a 17 year old. I’ve grown attached to the 17 year old. I see me when I look at him. He exhibits classic ADD (inattentive) like myself, struggles in school, is talented in music, and has a similar upbringing. Like him, I have a father with undiagnosed Aspergers. Also like him, I have an extremely narcissistic mother. His mother has severe ADHD, a history of adultery, during which she exposed this boy to the men) and is predisposed to inappropriate relationships with teenaged boys. Both parents are extremely, verbally abusive to this boy. They are not abusive to the other two. They call him a “little bitch,” “piece of shit,” “loser,” and many other things. They are both extremely unpredictable in their moods and meltdown routinely. Screaming is a daily occurrence, along with all the other issues associated with those afflicted with Aspergers and ADHD. The son recently moved in with his father. He is very neglected. He’s been on multiple SSRI’s and has severe depression with bouts of mania. He sees the same psychiatrist as the son diagnosed with Aspergers. So here’s my issue. To my knowledge, his doctor has no clue about either of the parent’s issues or abusiveness, the neglect or what this kid is dealing with, or the extent of his depression or manic episodes. I’ve encouraged his father to seek a diagnosis for himself, but he just has a tantrum and screams he’s not Autistic and he’s “nothing like my autistic son.” I’ve also encouraged him to enroll his depressed son into therapy so he has someone to talk to. He refuses. He doesn’t want his son to have a male mentor that’s not him. I want SO BADLY to write a letter to this child’s doctor testifying to some of the abusive and neglect I’ve witnessed as well as the child’s unreported behavior. He’s now engaged in high-risk behavior, he’s defiant, oppositional, breaking laws, ignoring curfew, getting drunk alone at his mothers house during the day when he skips school, etc, etc.
Here’s the million dollar question.
If you were this child’s doctor, would you want to know these things? Would this help this boy if you knew? And if so, how would you want to be told or approached?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have been dating/ living with my boyfriend for almost a year now. A little back ground on me is I am 51 years old, divorced for almost 4 years, mother of a wonderful 24 year old young man Lane, his fiance' Christina and my wonderful 2 year old gran daughter Chesni. I also have a 18 year old granddaughter named Kelisy who is the daughter of my son that was killed in 2003 in an auto accident. My oldest son's name was Kenny, and he was the most wonderful, caring, kind, old soul you would have ever met. I did not give birth to Kenny but I started raising him when he was 2. First as his babysitter, then as his mother. With that being said, I know how to be a great parent. Not perfect, but a loving caring disciplinary. So, here is where the my problem begins. My boyfriends son Halen. He just turned 14 and I am positive he has Asperger's or HFA that has never been diagnosed. I have mentioned it to his parents but they just sweep it under the rug. Halen will not function in today's society. Greg (Halen's dad) has tried everything in his power to help Halen and his behavior. But nothing is working. Greg asked me last night, "Why is he so wierd?". I want to help both of them badly, just like I wanted to help my brother quit drinking. He died at 36 from sirossis. Only those who help themselves. I just thought if I gave a little push. Halen is not going to thrive like I know he can unless something is done. They wanted to try counseling but Halen didn't want to go so guess what, they didn't go. Halen spends 24/7 watching YouTube or playing video games. Nothing else. I am not exaggerating. 24/7 on his phone or tablet then straight to his room for more gaming or videos. He is constantly cussing and making derogatory comments about other races. He and his father fight constantly about taking a shower. He will not take a shower. He cannot socialize with family members at get togethers. I love the kid but I am getting to the point where he makes me feel uncomfortable some times with showing affection. Please Mark, I need your advice on what to do for Halen. Or should I cut the cord and run from this relationship now? If I cannot get his parents to admit he has special needs he will never be able to function in society as an adult. My family all say he is just a spoiled brat. But I have worked with special needs children and teens before and I know special needs when I see it. I hope you can understand this email. I'm sure I am rambling but I just found you on the internet and was very excited to hear more from you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi there,
I bumped into your article on parenting teens with RAD and thought I would ask about your services, especially around parenting support. Our 15 yo internationally-adopted son is going to be retuned home relatively soon from foster care, and nothing has changed from when he left. The standard "help" the system is providing isn't changing anything and even though we have found an attachment therapist who we feel could move the needle, our boy won't go.
DCF blames our poor parenting for his problems, and it is increasingly clear to me that if there is any immediate hope, it may be with us bringing new/better parenting to the table. Your article synthesized so much of what I have been taught or read, but I guess haven't understood as a whole, or have failed to do consistently. And while I don't wan to do more work on this than he is willing to do, that is currently the case.
So, curious about your services. You clearly understand about RAD, and so few really do.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am convinced my husband of 15 years has Aspergers. He has not been diagnosed. Not sure how well he would take the news.
My question: While we courted, I did not pick up on any evidence. He was romantic, sensitive to my needs, very attentive…etc… Is it possible that they can put great effort into something they really want? It seems that as he got “comfortable” in our marital relationship, the evidence became very clear. Over the years I have researched, done the tests (because I know him so well), and he fits the bill.
I have accepted it…work with it…love this man and I know his heart. I think we are at a place where I need to sit down with him, and we approach this together. He will be 65 in June. I am 64.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Need help with my husband's great nephew. He is defiant and has an eating
disorder. He lived with us for 10 months and is currently living with his
Aunt, but now his aunt cannot handle him and wants us to take him back. My
husband does not want to put him out on the street nor turn him over to the
state and wants to give him another try to living with us, but I do not
want him to come back because I don't think he want s to change. His
mother does not want him and his father is in jail and he has really nobody
to take him. Can you give me any suggestions???
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Dr. Hutten,
I am so happy to have found your videos and wealth of information on Asperger's and HFA!! I am in the midst of a situation involving my daughter Jessica and my grandson Sam.
Sam is 18 and since the age of 2, I have been convinced he has Asperger's. He has so many of the traits and has experienced terrible melt-downs all these years. Recently, Sam was evicted from his home by the police the day after a particularly severe melt-down. I live in Ontario Canada and Sam and my daughter live in British Columbia. I was horrified at what had taken place. Sam was ambushed, he had no idea this was going to take place. I am the grandparent who lives away, my daughter's former in-laws and ex-husband all live in the same area. They all know he is different, he has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. However, no one has bothered to research Asperger's and attempt to help him. He is continually punished for his odd behavior.
Sam called me a few hours after this event and was in a terrible way. I have never heard another living being in that kind of pain. He was confused, felt betrayed and abandoned.
His mother without warning to him preplanned the entire event. She arrived home after work with her father in law, a corrections officer neighbour and the police, Sam was home cleaning the apartment in an attempt to say sorry for his meltdown when the event took place
I calmed Sam by speaking in a soothing, quiet voice assuring him that I was here for him and he was not alone. I told him I love him and that together we would work things out. I bought him a plane ticket and a few days later he came to me. Together we have been working on a plan for Sam. I am in big trouble with my daughter and her inlaws. I don't care. I have begged her for 17 years to research Asperger's and get him the proper help. I know she is tired and worn out. I get it. I lived in Vancouver and I spent the first six years with Sam and witnessed first hand the symptoms. He has sensory issues, hates change, is fact- oriented, food issues, bright lights bother him, he is extremely intelligent and the list goes on. Dr. Hutten, I have read articles for years trying to figure all this out in order to protect my grandson. I now have Youtube on the television and your videos confirm everything I have always believed!
Now that Sam is 18 I am able to help him without interference from his parents. He has asked me to be his advocate and together we will sort this all out. I have to send him home on Thursday and I am terrified. Sam and I have been putting a plan together to help him job search, look at post-secondary education and future living arrangements. He has a girlfriend Morgan who is a tremendous support! Without her, Sam would have been in danger of hurting himself of that I am certain. Sam and I are very close, we always have been and he trusts me. I have introduced him to Asperger's and he agrees that it fits. I sense the relief in him. Now, finally after all these years it is starting to make sense to him. He is open and willing to investigate things further. I have written but not sent a letter to the family. I explain what Sam and I have been doing this past week and what his intentions are going forward. I talk about Asperger's and how as a family we can all help him be his best self.
Sam is an incredible young man! I have every confidence with the right help and guidance he will be happy and successful in his life.
What can I do Dr. Hutten to prepare him for the inevitable blowback that he and I will receive from the others? He knows they will be critical and judgemental. He will be living at his father's until he has found a job and is able to move out.
Any advice you can give me will be greatly appreciated.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I stumbled across your e-book in search of answers. I've been dating a guy for three years now. He says he is in love with me, wants to marry me, and have a family. I'm not sure about that because my life has been glimpses of heaven and for the most part Hell in this relationship! At first I thought maybe he was cheating on me, and needs a reason to leave my house each time we argued. I just didn't understand. Until one day I decided to leave him at my place alone just to see if he was entertaining another woman. And to my surprise he was just watching one of his favorite movies. Then something very strange happened. While watching the movie alone, he got stuck on this one line "my brother," and rewound that line about 1,000 times! He played it over and over and over again!!! It wasn't until his phone rang, that snapped him out of the "my brother" trance!
I've also found him to be very controlling and clingy. Of course he doesn't think he is but this is how I feel. He calls me every hour of the day, wanting to know my play by play. I'm so tired of it! I dare not answer the phone because he will go off and accuse me of cheating on him! That's why I thought he was cheating on me, when all he was doing was rewinding a line from his favorite movie 1,000 times! This is so crazy!
All he wants to talk about is his tech business that he owns! I'm a successful professional singer, and have been for over 15 years with cover bands! I rarely work on my own original material, but this particular night I got inspired to record a "Christmas song." I was so excited about it and I couldn't wait for him to hear it. I couldn't believe he acted sooooo uninterested. Then he had the NERVE to say, "You Don't Have To Impress Me!" I was so hurt and offended because singing has been my life forever besides cosmetology. I'm an "Artist" ok?! This is who I've been for years before we ever met! He says I'm EVERYWHERE! But I'm not! I can't loose myself to him and his insecurities. He has all these "man" rules, that no one knows of but him... I'm ready to leave him! I can't be myself in this relationship! That's also the issue because I keep trying to break up with him and it goes in one ear and out the other! He argues with me all the time. I tell him every argument that If I make him so unhappy than he should leave me! I want him to be with someone who isn't "EVERYWHERE!"
I am going to purchase your book this weekend! I don't want this relationship to work! I want to leave and be able to communicate that clearly this time! My father looooves him! I think he's on the spectrum too! I am 37 with no children and, I want to be free of this! I deserve someone who will love and respect me! All I want is Peace!!! Hopefully I can find this in your book! Do you do offer any online counseling? If so, please send me the info!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am a mother of a 23 year old Aspie. I need to figure out how to help HIM understand priorities. He is graduating from online college this May so I have been here to keep him on track for four years. He is going away this fall to graduate school and I’m afraid he won’t be able to do it on his own. For example yesterday evening he had a new sword class that he was going to attend. (Swords- his hyper focus subject) But yesterday he had his huge senior thesis paper to finish which MUST take priority. I walked by him at his computer watching a sword instruction video because all he could think about was his upcoming new class. I am here to bail him out by making him cram his time today to finish the paper, but this fall, who will be there to see him do things like this? What would happen if he did this at work?
Can you help me figure out how to help him navigate this fall?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband and I have been listening and trying to implement your program. My son is a textbook case to your talks and I guess we are too. We have had an awful 6 months.
Our son is 16 years old – very demanding and strong willed. He hates school with a passion and that started a lot of his problems. He does the bare minimum, and is currently failing 2 classes.
We have been through depression, suicidal talk, inpt stay, having to call police on him for being aggressive and currently we found out he has been smoking pot daily for the past 6 weeks, when we found a written business plan to start selling it. We immediately took his car away from him and he was previously grounded for grades. He sees a psychologist weekly, we see a psychologist, and he sees a psychiatrist.
He has been telling huge lies to us almost for sport. We have stopped reacting to them and try to maintain our poker face. The school counselor called me bc he told her one of his best friends “died in his arms” (not true) He started off with the attitude that he was not giving it up and it should be legal, etc. He needed it for depression and anxiety. He is now saying he will stop, but he wants his car back. He got aggressive demanding his car back last night and ended up leaving and not coming home, we remained calm and unresponsive even as he shouted cuss words in our face. He has texted saying that he wants to stay at a friends for a week or 2 and get his life together, but he really needs his car back. I responded that I was very happy he was getting his life together, but when he chose to drive high, he chose the consequence of losing his car. He has not has his car for 2 weeks (The second week was spring break and we were on a family trip.) He was last high that I know of 1 week ago. He was clearly high when I picked him up from school last Friday.
We have told him we are going to drug test him as part of regaining his car and he added hand sanitizer to the sample trying to get a clean drug test so he can get his car back. We can not even discuss anything else because he goes straight to the car and demands it back. We have an appointment this coming week at an adolescent substance abuse center in our area that will do a 3 hour intake with him and recommend treatment (provided we can get him there)
He has an appointment with his counselor Monday and we have told him we will discuss the steps to get his car back then with him present. I’m hopeful it will not escalate to us having to call the police if we are there.
How do you suggest we handle the car? How do we handle grades?
He is currently grounded until his grades are higher than a 70% and has no car because of the pot. He has his phone which is allowing us to track him since he has not come home. I asked for it, but he would not hand it over and left when grounded and hasn’t returned.
My husband an I are at wits end. It never stops..
We have found your program very helpful, and you seem to understand our kid. He is good looking kid and can be quite charming, and I think it takes a long time for any counselor to understand the problems. The main problem is that he does whatever he wants, regardless of the consequences.
If you do any kind remote counseling, we would love to hire you. We do not know what to do.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mr. Hutton
I just saw your program advertised and have a question for you. We have been raising our 17-year-old niece for seven years and she has been the child from hell. She has lots of issues that she’s going to have to deal with and is in with a great counselor right now who is beginning to do that. I like many feel like we have tried everything. She has gotten better with authority which is amazing but is very mature yet immature in so many ways. She is VERY strong willed and doesn’t learn from mistakes very often, is not a good communicator and doesn’t really want to be when we talk. She pretty Much thinks everyone is annoying. She has set boundaries and goes along with them pretty well.
I read where you said they don’t need counseling that this will help. She talks all the time about leaving in eight months when she is 18. Is this something that can still help them when most of the problems come from her very troubled past and being triggered often. Would this be something that would still be useful since most of her reactions are from that? Our problem most of the time is not knowing what kind of consequences to enforce that go along with the situation. Not getting to drive losing her phone? That’s about all she cares about. She doesn’t have many friends and of course she only picks ones that she can I identify with with her past. We use love and logic also.
I’d like to know if this would still help us at this point. Ty
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good Afternoon. I read your blog on teaching about sex to our Aspie children. It was very good and I agree completely. I have a 24 year old that is very high functioning but still had issues getting him to understand that he had to keep his hands to himself and he just couldn't touch people. Also grateful for other understanding parents.
I am doing a radio show on WMNF here in Tampa, Florida and each show I try to take a facet of Autism that may help parents bridge the gap of communication, actions and understand so that we may try to understand our kids better. Possibly I was alone, but my son did things I did not understand for years, sometimes decades. I believe that had I have known more, or had more resources, I would not have made so many mistakes.
I would invite you to be on a future show with me. It can be done on the phone and remotely from your location. It is a 55 minute air and we would be taking phone calls from other parents looking for answers. I would be happy to promote your blog and credentials.
This is not an easy topic and I have heard horror stories from other parents. Due to confidentiality I am not at liberty to share them, however some have gone so far as an unknown pregnancy, delivery alone, fear and ultimately death. Reaching out to even 1 parent to help avoid this horrible situation is a moral imperative.
I have many topics that I am organizing with experts. If there is another topic that you feel is equally important, I would be more than happy to discuss it with you.
==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's
==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism
==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance
==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism
==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook
==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book
==> Highly Effective Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism
____________________
Do you need the advice of a professional who specializes in parenting children and teens with Autism Spectrum Disorders? Sign-up for Online Parent Coaching today.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am at the end of my rope and just need some guidance as I am about to just let go.
I pulled my child out of public school to help her. We were getting no assistance and no one was able to figure out her problems. We now do a private school 3 days a week, home school 2 days and weekends. Since then we have gotten our Asperger's diagnoses, below average working memory and ADD.
My problem is motivation. She has none. No desire to do any of the work. No desire to study for tests. Could Care less if she fails. I am paying an arm and leg for this school and am doing homework with her 30+ hours a week. And she doesn't care.
How do you teach that? We have had a lot of services for everything else and she is very high functioning in the social department now with the small school setting and good friends. But how do I keep paying all this money, sacrifice my life and time for a child who doesn't care about grades, homework or tests. If she fails they will kick her out. I am not asking for all A's (though I know she is smart enough to have them). She has a big test tomorrow and she hadn't studied a bit till I asked her this evening and we spent 3 hrs studying and I bet she knows about 25%.
I seriously just want to get in my car and drive away. I am so beside myself. And I can't hold my anger back which only upsets the situation more. But HOW DO YOU GET ACROSS HOW MUCH THEY NEED TO CARE WHEN THEY DONT!!??
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mister Hutten,
my name is Andrea and I am a 47 year old Asperger person living in Italy.
I was diagnosed as Asperger person in 2014 by one of the best specialist in Italy that, to make me feel sure that the diagnosis was right, sent me to another doctor to be diagnosed one more time.
The second doctor confirmed me as an Asperger adult person.
Since 2014 I have been with my girlfriend and we are living together since 2016. It is not easy to cope with someone like me but we really want to stay together very much.
Because of that I have been looking around for a blog like yours.
Have you ever though about having your book translated to italian? I think that many couples ASD/NT would be more than happy to ready it.
I will download the book and read it to with my girlfriend so she will be able to understand since her english is not good enough to read it by herself.
Thank you for your good work and support to people like me and couple like us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
last night we went out with a group of people for dinner ... there were a few other kids there however my son only wanted to play on his iPad. When his iPad ran out of battery ( about 15 minutes after we got there) he started crying .. and then complaining he was tired and getting loud. We ended up having to leave shortly after as to not ruin the night for everyone else. He continued the meltdown into the parking lot, in the car and we told him this behavior was not expectable. He insisted he was just tired and his behavior had nothing to do with the iPad .( we know that is not true he would be on the iPad 24 hours a day if we let him). We removed all electronics from his room when we got home and he went to sleep. I don’t know what to do in this situation how to prevent it or what to do make him understand this is not going to be tolerated . I want him to understand his behavior has consequences which is why we removed all electronics. Can you offer any advice ? This type of situation is a common occurrence. Help ?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I can’t really relate to younger children issues and I didn’t realize until my son was a sophomore in high school that the amount of behavioral issues and disrespect what not just me having a difficult child. I gave guilt for not seeing it earlier and helping him. He struggled some in middle school and then failed his first class in 8th grade.
He started on drugs, we ended up sending him to an intense daily program. It helped him tremendously. It taught him how to handle conflict and make good choices. Well that only lasted so long and he snuck out, Met a friend and they both got high. I seem to have a 2nd sense about this stuff and wasn’t sleeping when he left. I just felt like something was wrong and got up to find him gone. We started searching for him, as it was extremely cold and I had no idea what to expect. Nothing like this had ever happened to me. He was gone about 2 hours, I found out he was going out out side fence because he found out that was how to avoid the cameras we have. My husband found him, very high, and brought him home. There was no use trying to discuss with him or talk to someone when they are in that state. My husband stayed up with him because he had just started a medication through the program he had started. His excuse was, that he wanted one more day to just do it.
My husband and I are having a difficult time understanding because neither of us and our older (by 19 months) daughter, have never tried drugs. So I don’t understand the feeling, addiction, or pull it has on him.
He did graduate from the drug program. He felt better than he had in a long time and he told us the whole truth of how he was on very hard drugs, but he had a friend that died of overdose and so he was just vaping and marijuana. No matter what his psychiatrist said, or the number of articles I’ve shown him have gone on deaf ears.
He is rude, condescending, I’ve felt scared that he was going to hit me. It’s been extremely hard. I love my son more than anything. I could even go as far as saying we have always been close. So this has all wounded me pretty deeply.
He turned 18 in December. He is doing online high school (after I pulled him from the regular high school as a junior because of the friends and drugs. He was just going down hill and they were helping him get there) and after many tests for an IEP we now know how much he struggles. He only has 2 classes left to graduate. He is ignoring them and unfortunately I’m trying to talk to him while doing some of his work for him, while getting short and rude answers. He has moved out, the environment in our house when he was here was extremely dark. I have my own mental health problems and he was putting me in a very bad place because I am so helpless against him. His dad tries and ends up getting angry because of the way I am being treated and he just wants to refuse all help for him. I am struggling with that.
He is living with his sister and working mostly full time. I am just waiting for the day that he gets fired. He was fired from his last job because of wreck less behavior, which was him trying to “play” with someone he considered a friend. Who was not and went straight to management to get him fired. He pays rent at her house and I don’t know how much longer she will keep him there.
At that point I don’t know where he will go. Do I let him come home? Start our problems all over again? Do I tell him, he has made his choices not to be a part of our family...I do feel that mentally he is at about the age of a 15/16 year old. I don’t think he has a clue how to be an adult.
We’ve given him all the tools he needs to be successful in his job and life. All he has left is the 2 classes for high school. I know that if he doesn’t pass I can say for certain he will not be able to pass a GED class. We found out on certain classes and learning skills he has at about a 4th grade level. While in others he is at a college level.
We buy his groceries each week, we gave him our car (not the newest, but nice and in great condition). That was my request so he had no excuse not to get to a job. We still pay his insurance and phone. Other stuff we are leaving to him to figure out. Eventually, we will pull each thing from him.
I’m not even sure what I’m asking for. My husband thinks that I need to just cut off everything (especially me trying to help him finish school). This feels like cutting off an arm, taking away a piece of my heart. I am the one most affected by this, as I am the one he lashes out on and is the most awful to.
He has lost 20lbs and at 6’1”, he is below average weight at 140lbs. The last time he was this thin, it was due to drugs. I hate that my mind goes there.
At what point do you say enough is enough and truly let go. He is 18, I cannot force him into at home testing, like we were doing. I cannot make him do school. I can’t even make him go rotate his tires, or get a haircut when I am paying for it. I don’t know how to step back on a child that owns so much of my heart.
I would appreciate an outsiders opinion.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I read your article about parents with Aspergers and the disturbing reports from children. I need some direction. I’ve been dating a man for a little over two years. I’m extremely familiar with Aspergers (education in Early Childhood Development and Psychology) and know my boyfriend is on the spectrum. I have a six year old and have determined it is not in my child’s best interest to be parented by someone on the spectrum. (My sons father passed away when he was just 2.5 and he doesn’t remember his dad) I’ve kept my son out of the relationship, entirely. I’ve decided that it’s best if I end the relationship. Here’s my struggle. My boyfriend has three boys. A 22 year old diagnosed with Aspergers, a neurotypical 19 year old and a 17 year old. I’ve grown attached to the 17 year old. I see me when I look at him. He exhibits classic ADD (inattentive) like myself, struggles in school, is talented in music, and has a similar upbringing. Like him, I have a father with undiagnosed Aspergers. Also like him, I have an extremely narcissistic mother. His mother has severe ADHD, a history of adultery, during which she exposed this boy to the men) and is predisposed to inappropriate relationships with teenaged boys. Both parents are extremely, verbally abusive to this boy. They are not abusive to the other two. They call him a “little bitch,” “piece of shit,” “loser,” and many other things. They are both extremely unpredictable in their moods and meltdown routinely. Screaming is a daily occurrence, along with all the other issues associated with those afflicted with Aspergers and ADHD. The son recently moved in with his father. He is very neglected. He’s been on multiple SSRI’s and has severe depression with bouts of mania. He sees the same psychiatrist as the son diagnosed with Aspergers. So here’s my issue. To my knowledge, his doctor has no clue about either of the parent’s issues or abusiveness, the neglect or what this kid is dealing with, or the extent of his depression or manic episodes. I’ve encouraged his father to seek a diagnosis for himself, but he just has a tantrum and screams he’s not Autistic and he’s “nothing like my autistic son.” I’ve also encouraged him to enroll his depressed son into therapy so he has someone to talk to. He refuses. He doesn’t want his son to have a male mentor that’s not him. I want SO BADLY to write a letter to this child’s doctor testifying to some of the abusive and neglect I’ve witnessed as well as the child’s unreported behavior. He’s now engaged in high-risk behavior, he’s defiant, oppositional, breaking laws, ignoring curfew, getting drunk alone at his mothers house during the day when he skips school, etc, etc.
Here’s the million dollar question.
If you were this child’s doctor, would you want to know these things? Would this help this boy if you knew? And if so, how would you want to be told or approached?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have been dating/ living with my boyfriend for almost a year now. A little back ground on me is I am 51 years old, divorced for almost 4 years, mother of a wonderful 24 year old young man Lane, his fiance' Christina and my wonderful 2 year old gran daughter Chesni. I also have a 18 year old granddaughter named Kelisy who is the daughter of my son that was killed in 2003 in an auto accident. My oldest son's name was Kenny, and he was the most wonderful, caring, kind, old soul you would have ever met. I did not give birth to Kenny but I started raising him when he was 2. First as his babysitter, then as his mother. With that being said, I know how to be a great parent. Not perfect, but a loving caring disciplinary. So, here is where the my problem begins. My boyfriends son Halen. He just turned 14 and I am positive he has Asperger's or HFA that has never been diagnosed. I have mentioned it to his parents but they just sweep it under the rug. Halen will not function in today's society. Greg (Halen's dad) has tried everything in his power to help Halen and his behavior. But nothing is working. Greg asked me last night, "Why is he so wierd?". I want to help both of them badly, just like I wanted to help my brother quit drinking. He died at 36 from sirossis. Only those who help themselves. I just thought if I gave a little push. Halen is not going to thrive like I know he can unless something is done. They wanted to try counseling but Halen didn't want to go so guess what, they didn't go. Halen spends 24/7 watching YouTube or playing video games. Nothing else. I am not exaggerating. 24/7 on his phone or tablet then straight to his room for more gaming or videos. He is constantly cussing and making derogatory comments about other races. He and his father fight constantly about taking a shower. He will not take a shower. He cannot socialize with family members at get togethers. I love the kid but I am getting to the point where he makes me feel uncomfortable some times with showing affection. Please Mark, I need your advice on what to do for Halen. Or should I cut the cord and run from this relationship now? If I cannot get his parents to admit he has special needs he will never be able to function in society as an adult. My family all say he is just a spoiled brat. But I have worked with special needs children and teens before and I know special needs when I see it. I hope you can understand this email. I'm sure I am rambling but I just found you on the internet and was very excited to hear more from you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi there,
I bumped into your article on parenting teens with RAD and thought I would ask about your services, especially around parenting support. Our 15 yo internationally-adopted son is going to be retuned home relatively soon from foster care, and nothing has changed from when he left. The standard "help" the system is providing isn't changing anything and even though we have found an attachment therapist who we feel could move the needle, our boy won't go.
DCF blames our poor parenting for his problems, and it is increasingly clear to me that if there is any immediate hope, it may be with us bringing new/better parenting to the table. Your article synthesized so much of what I have been taught or read, but I guess haven't understood as a whole, or have failed to do consistently. And while I don't wan to do more work on this than he is willing to do, that is currently the case.
So, curious about your services. You clearly understand about RAD, and so few really do.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am convinced my husband of 15 years has Aspergers. He has not been diagnosed. Not sure how well he would take the news.
My question: While we courted, I did not pick up on any evidence. He was romantic, sensitive to my needs, very attentive…etc… Is it possible that they can put great effort into something they really want? It seems that as he got “comfortable” in our marital relationship, the evidence became very clear. Over the years I have researched, done the tests (because I know him so well), and he fits the bill.
I have accepted it…work with it…love this man and I know his heart. I think we are at a place where I need to sit down with him, and we approach this together. He will be 65 in June. I am 64.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Need help with my husband's great nephew. He is defiant and has an eating
disorder. He lived with us for 10 months and is currently living with his
Aunt, but now his aunt cannot handle him and wants us to take him back. My
husband does not want to put him out on the street nor turn him over to the
state and wants to give him another try to living with us, but I do not
want him to come back because I don't think he want s to change. His
mother does not want him and his father is in jail and he has really nobody
to take him. Can you give me any suggestions???
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Dr. Hutten,
I am so happy to have found your videos and wealth of information on Asperger's and HFA!! I am in the midst of a situation involving my daughter Jessica and my grandson Sam.
Sam is 18 and since the age of 2, I have been convinced he has Asperger's. He has so many of the traits and has experienced terrible melt-downs all these years. Recently, Sam was evicted from his home by the police the day after a particularly severe melt-down. I live in Ontario Canada and Sam and my daughter live in British Columbia. I was horrified at what had taken place. Sam was ambushed, he had no idea this was going to take place. I am the grandparent who lives away, my daughter's former in-laws and ex-husband all live in the same area. They all know he is different, he has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. However, no one has bothered to research Asperger's and attempt to help him. He is continually punished for his odd behavior.
Sam called me a few hours after this event and was in a terrible way. I have never heard another living being in that kind of pain. He was confused, felt betrayed and abandoned.
His mother without warning to him preplanned the entire event. She arrived home after work with her father in law, a corrections officer neighbour and the police, Sam was home cleaning the apartment in an attempt to say sorry for his meltdown when the event took place
I calmed Sam by speaking in a soothing, quiet voice assuring him that I was here for him and he was not alone. I told him I love him and that together we would work things out. I bought him a plane ticket and a few days later he came to me. Together we have been working on a plan for Sam. I am in big trouble with my daughter and her inlaws. I don't care. I have begged her for 17 years to research Asperger's and get him the proper help. I know she is tired and worn out. I get it. I lived in Vancouver and I spent the first six years with Sam and witnessed first hand the symptoms. He has sensory issues, hates change, is fact- oriented, food issues, bright lights bother him, he is extremely intelligent and the list goes on. Dr. Hutten, I have read articles for years trying to figure all this out in order to protect my grandson. I now have Youtube on the television and your videos confirm everything I have always believed!
Now that Sam is 18 I am able to help him without interference from his parents. He has asked me to be his advocate and together we will sort this all out. I have to send him home on Thursday and I am terrified. Sam and I have been putting a plan together to help him job search, look at post-secondary education and future living arrangements. He has a girlfriend Morgan who is a tremendous support! Without her, Sam would have been in danger of hurting himself of that I am certain. Sam and I are very close, we always have been and he trusts me. I have introduced him to Asperger's and he agrees that it fits. I sense the relief in him. Now, finally after all these years it is starting to make sense to him. He is open and willing to investigate things further. I have written but not sent a letter to the family. I explain what Sam and I have been doing this past week and what his intentions are going forward. I talk about Asperger's and how as a family we can all help him be his best self.
Sam is an incredible young man! I have every confidence with the right help and guidance he will be happy and successful in his life.
What can I do Dr. Hutten to prepare him for the inevitable blowback that he and I will receive from the others? He knows they will be critical and judgemental. He will be living at his father's until he has found a job and is able to move out.
Any advice you can give me will be greatly appreciated.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I stumbled across your e-book in search of answers. I've been dating a guy for three years now. He says he is in love with me, wants to marry me, and have a family. I'm not sure about that because my life has been glimpses of heaven and for the most part Hell in this relationship! At first I thought maybe he was cheating on me, and needs a reason to leave my house each time we argued. I just didn't understand. Until one day I decided to leave him at my place alone just to see if he was entertaining another woman. And to my surprise he was just watching one of his favorite movies. Then something very strange happened. While watching the movie alone, he got stuck on this one line "my brother," and rewound that line about 1,000 times! He played it over and over and over again!!! It wasn't until his phone rang, that snapped him out of the "my brother" trance!
I've also found him to be very controlling and clingy. Of course he doesn't think he is but this is how I feel. He calls me every hour of the day, wanting to know my play by play. I'm so tired of it! I dare not answer the phone because he will go off and accuse me of cheating on him! That's why I thought he was cheating on me, when all he was doing was rewinding a line from his favorite movie 1,000 times! This is so crazy!
All he wants to talk about is his tech business that he owns! I'm a successful professional singer, and have been for over 15 years with cover bands! I rarely work on my own original material, but this particular night I got inspired to record a "Christmas song." I was so excited about it and I couldn't wait for him to hear it. I couldn't believe he acted sooooo uninterested. Then he had the NERVE to say, "You Don't Have To Impress Me!" I was so hurt and offended because singing has been my life forever besides cosmetology. I'm an "Artist" ok?! This is who I've been for years before we ever met! He says I'm EVERYWHERE! But I'm not! I can't loose myself to him and his insecurities. He has all these "man" rules, that no one knows of but him... I'm ready to leave him! I can't be myself in this relationship! That's also the issue because I keep trying to break up with him and it goes in one ear and out the other! He argues with me all the time. I tell him every argument that If I make him so unhappy than he should leave me! I want him to be with someone who isn't "EVERYWHERE!"
I am going to purchase your book this weekend! I don't want this relationship to work! I want to leave and be able to communicate that clearly this time! My father looooves him! I think he's on the spectrum too! I am 37 with no children and, I want to be free of this! I deserve someone who will love and respect me! All I want is Peace!!! Hopefully I can find this in your book! Do you do offer any online counseling? If so, please send me the info!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am a mother of a 23 year old Aspie. I need to figure out how to help HIM understand priorities. He is graduating from online college this May so I have been here to keep him on track for four years. He is going away this fall to graduate school and I’m afraid he won’t be able to do it on his own. For example yesterday evening he had a new sword class that he was going to attend. (Swords- his hyper focus subject) But yesterday he had his huge senior thesis paper to finish which MUST take priority. I walked by him at his computer watching a sword instruction video because all he could think about was his upcoming new class. I am here to bail him out by making him cram his time today to finish the paper, but this fall, who will be there to see him do things like this? What would happen if he did this at work?
Can you help me figure out how to help him navigate this fall?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband and I have been listening and trying to implement your program. My son is a textbook case to your talks and I guess we are too. We have had an awful 6 months.
Our son is 16 years old – very demanding and strong willed. He hates school with a passion and that started a lot of his problems. He does the bare minimum, and is currently failing 2 classes.
We have been through depression, suicidal talk, inpt stay, having to call police on him for being aggressive and currently we found out he has been smoking pot daily for the past 6 weeks, when we found a written business plan to start selling it. We immediately took his car away from him and he was previously grounded for grades. He sees a psychologist weekly, we see a psychologist, and he sees a psychiatrist.
He has been telling huge lies to us almost for sport. We have stopped reacting to them and try to maintain our poker face. The school counselor called me bc he told her one of his best friends “died in his arms” (not true) He started off with the attitude that he was not giving it up and it should be legal, etc. He needed it for depression and anxiety. He is now saying he will stop, but he wants his car back. He got aggressive demanding his car back last night and ended up leaving and not coming home, we remained calm and unresponsive even as he shouted cuss words in our face. He has texted saying that he wants to stay at a friends for a week or 2 and get his life together, but he really needs his car back. I responded that I was very happy he was getting his life together, but when he chose to drive high, he chose the consequence of losing his car. He has not has his car for 2 weeks (The second week was spring break and we were on a family trip.) He was last high that I know of 1 week ago. He was clearly high when I picked him up from school last Friday.
We have told him we are going to drug test him as part of regaining his car and he added hand sanitizer to the sample trying to get a clean drug test so he can get his car back. We can not even discuss anything else because he goes straight to the car and demands it back. We have an appointment this coming week at an adolescent substance abuse center in our area that will do a 3 hour intake with him and recommend treatment (provided we can get him there)
He has an appointment with his counselor Monday and we have told him we will discuss the steps to get his car back then with him present. I’m hopeful it will not escalate to us having to call the police if we are there.
How do you suggest we handle the car? How do we handle grades?
He is currently grounded until his grades are higher than a 70% and has no car because of the pot. He has his phone which is allowing us to track him since he has not come home. I asked for it, but he would not hand it over and left when grounded and hasn’t returned.
My husband an I are at wits end. It never stops..
We have found your program very helpful, and you seem to understand our kid. He is good looking kid and can be quite charming, and I think it takes a long time for any counselor to understand the problems. The main problem is that he does whatever he wants, regardless of the consequences.
If you do any kind remote counseling, we would love to hire you. We do not know what to do.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mr. Hutton
I just saw your program advertised and have a question for you. We have been raising our 17-year-old niece for seven years and she has been the child from hell. She has lots of issues that she’s going to have to deal with and is in with a great counselor right now who is beginning to do that. I like many feel like we have tried everything. She has gotten better with authority which is amazing but is very mature yet immature in so many ways. She is VERY strong willed and doesn’t learn from mistakes very often, is not a good communicator and doesn’t really want to be when we talk. She pretty Much thinks everyone is annoying. She has set boundaries and goes along with them pretty well.
I read where you said they don’t need counseling that this will help. She talks all the time about leaving in eight months when she is 18. Is this something that can still help them when most of the problems come from her very troubled past and being triggered often. Would this be something that would still be useful since most of her reactions are from that? Our problem most of the time is not knowing what kind of consequences to enforce that go along with the situation. Not getting to drive losing her phone? That’s about all she cares about. She doesn’t have many friends and of course she only picks ones that she can I identify with with her past. We use love and logic also.
I’d like to know if this would still help us at this point. Ty
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good Afternoon. I read your blog on teaching about sex to our Aspie children. It was very good and I agree completely. I have a 24 year old that is very high functioning but still had issues getting him to understand that he had to keep his hands to himself and he just couldn't touch people. Also grateful for other understanding parents.
I am doing a radio show on WMNF here in Tampa, Florida and each show I try to take a facet of Autism that may help parents bridge the gap of communication, actions and understand so that we may try to understand our kids better. Possibly I was alone, but my son did things I did not understand for years, sometimes decades. I believe that had I have known more, or had more resources, I would not have made so many mistakes.
I would invite you to be on a future show with me. It can be done on the phone and remotely from your location. It is a 55 minute air and we would be taking phone calls from other parents looking for answers. I would be happy to promote your blog and credentials.
This is not an easy topic and I have heard horror stories from other parents. Due to confidentiality I am not at liberty to share them, however some have gone so far as an unknown pregnancy, delivery alone, fear and ultimately death. Reaching out to even 1 parent to help avoid this horrible situation is a moral imperative.
I have many topics that I am organizing with experts. If there is another topic that you feel is equally important, I would be more than happy to discuss it with you.