He is very defiant and out of control …he cusses a lot and does inappropriate things …like tonight he peed in a soda can and said his brother did it. When I cleaned his bathroom, he had written ‘f*** you’ on the wall. He has no respect for anything or anyone. He follows NO rules and we can’t get him to do anything. I don’t know what to do or where to go to get help! Where do we even start?”
Defiance is a strange animal for sure. What if I told you that your son isn’t trying to be a pain in the ass, but rather using some of these disturbing behaviors as a coping mechanism?
1- Your first step is to investigate and try to discover your son’s underlying insecurities and vulnerabilities. His oppositional behavior starts with feeling insecure. High-functioning autism comes with a host of symptoms, and often times a child’s only response in dealing with the associated challenges is to act-out. Why? It’s very likely that he feels he has little control over his circumstances in life. Defiance is a way for him to have at least some control over his environment.
2- The second step would be for you to regain your son’s trust and confidence, and somehow slip under his defiance so that you can offer him what he needs. His “misbehavior” is the result of an unmet need (usually the need to have some control). Investigate and try to figure out what he REALLY needs. No child finds joy in upsetting everyone in the house. He knows his behavior is causing conflict (and to be at odds with parents - day in and day out - is also a self-esteem breaker).
==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder
If you have had ongoing power struggles with him, he may be at a place where he does not trust you completely. He may not be sure whether your attempts to soothe will be comforting or upsetting. He may be used to getting yelled at. As a result, he can trust only himself. Convince your son that you have his best interest at heart and that you want to provide him with what he needs. This isn’t about punishment, it’s about meeting his needs. And yes, sometimes a parental correction for misbehavior or a consequence for a poor choice meets one of his needs.
3- Put yourself in your child’s shoes. The oppositional child, with his ongoing need to be the boss and his chronic power struggles with you, does indeed contribute to problems in the parent-child relationship. However, it’s crucial to understand that children on the autism spectrum are very prone to being overwhelmed and overloaded due to sensory sensitivities, executive function challenges, social skills deficits, and mind-blindness (just to name a few).
4- Your son likely uses bossiness and defiance as a coping strategy to feel secure. To protect himself, he shuts out part of the world, including you at times. Having said this, your next step would be to reframe your child’s defiance. In other words, instead of a viewing it as willful misconduct, begin to view it as a coping strategy to have some control in his life.
If you have had ongoing power struggles with him, he may be at a place where he does not trust you completely. He may not be sure whether your attempts to soothe will be comforting or upsetting. He may be used to getting yelled at. As a result, he can trust only himself. Convince your son that you have his best interest at heart and that you want to provide him with what he needs. This isn’t about punishment, it’s about meeting his needs. And yes, sometimes a parental correction for misbehavior or a consequence for a poor choice meets one of his needs.
3- Put yourself in your child’s shoes. The oppositional child, with his ongoing need to be the boss and his chronic power struggles with you, does indeed contribute to problems in the parent-child relationship. However, it’s crucial to understand that children on the autism spectrum are very prone to being overwhelmed and overloaded due to sensory sensitivities, executive function challenges, social skills deficits, and mind-blindness (just to name a few).
4- Your son likely uses bossiness and defiance as a coping strategy to feel secure. To protect himself, he shuts out part of the world, including you at times. Having said this, your next step would be to reframe your child’s defiance. In other words, instead of a viewing it as willful misconduct, begin to view it as a coping strategy to have some control in his life.
==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder
5- Lastly, you will need to set some firm limits. Being sympathetic doesn’t mean always giving your son what he wants or allowing him to be hurtful or rude to others. Gentle limits coupled with empathy and flexibility will gradually help your son be less critical of you and himself.
In a nutshell, one of his major needs is most likely the need to control. You want him to do one thing – he may want to do the exact opposite. Thus, your main mission should be to find ways that he can feel he has some control in his life without acting-out.
For starters, put him in charge of doing some things that would be age-appropriate (e.g., planning a meal, doing a particular chore, suggesting a different route to the Mall, what TV show the family will watch, what place the family will visit on the next family outing, etc.).
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> Launching Adult Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance
==> Teaching Social-Skills and Emotion-Management to Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Parents' Comprehensive Handbook
==> Unraveling the Mystery Behind High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book
==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> Launching Adult Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance
==> Teaching Social-Skills and Emotion-Management to Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Parents' Comprehensive Handbook
==> Unraveling the Mystery Behind High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book
More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning.
Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him,
rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression.
As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and
depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.
Click here to read the full article…
Click here to read the full article…
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Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown
temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from
ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child
is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are
totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the
least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into
the next - the meltdown can return in full force.
Click here for the full article...
Click here for the full article...
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Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the
autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a
teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an
average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for
even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’
disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.
Click here to read the full article…
Click here to read the full article…
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Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and
he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse
strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face
many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for
teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one
mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."
Click here to read the full article…
Click here to read the full article…
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Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are
“mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and
intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to
identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits
reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he
or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish,
insensitive and uncaring.
Click here to read the full article...
Click here to read the full article...
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Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her
“out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress,
anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.
Click here for the full article...
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A child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can have
difficulty in school because, since he fits in so well, many adults
may miss the fact that he has a diagnosis. When these children display
symptoms of their disorder, they may be seen as defiant or disruptive.