Explaining "the Birds and the Bees" to Teens on the Autism Spectrum

"My son (high functioning autistic) is 14. He knows he is different from other 'typical' teenagers, and he wants to know why. What do I say to him? Also, how would you start explaining sex and changes his body is going through?"

This is a tough question to answer, but at 14, your son is certainly ready for some explanation of his disorder. Here is a statement for you to follow when you answer your son’s question:

Lots of people have problems and challenges in life to deal with. Some of them can be seen and some can't. You have a condition known as high-functioning autism. We don’t know why you have it. Sometimes it is inherited from other people in a family. High-functioning autism has something to do with the genes that are in our bodies, and something may have happened to some of them before you were born. Children have the condition from the time they are born, but some children are going to school before the doctors diagnose it. More and more people are being diagnosed with this condition, but that’s probably because doctors and psychiatrists know more about it and what to look for than they did in the past. You are not the only teen with it - a lot of teenagers have it, so you are not alone.

Some kids and teenagers can be very critical of a peer who doesn’t act, talk or think like them. And a child with Asperger's or High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can easily take this criticism as a sign that he or she isn't good enough or cool enough to be in the group. It is important for you to stress to your son that “different” does not mean inferior.

Re: explaining sex...

Sex education basics may be covered in health class, but your son might not hear or understand everything he needs to know. That's where the parent comes in. Sex education is a parent's responsibility. But if you wait for the perfect moment, you might miss the best opportunities. Instead, think of sex education as an ongoing discussion.

Here are some tips to help you get started and to keep the conversation going:

1. Clearly state your feelings about specific issues (e.g., oral sex, intercourse, etc.). Present the risks objectively, including emotional pain, sexually transmitted infections and unplanned pregnancy. Explain, for example, that oral sex isn't a risk-free alternative to intercourse.
 

2. If you're uncomfortable, say so — but explain that it's important to keep talking. If you don't know how to answer your son's questions, offer to find the answers or look them up together.

3. Don't lecture your son or rely on scare tactics to discourage sexual activity. Instead, listen carefully. Understand your son's pressures, challenges and concerns.

4. Let your son know that it's perfectly acceptable to talk with you about sex whenever he has questions or concerns. Reward questions by saying, "I'm glad you came to me."

5. Your son needs accurate information about sex — but it's just as important to talk about feelings, attitudes and values. Examine questions of ethics and responsibility in the context of your personal or religious beliefs.

6. When a television program or music video raises issues about responsible sexual behavior, use it as a springboard for conversation. Remember that everyday moments (e.g., riding in the car together, walking in the park, putting away groceries, etc.) may offer the best opportunities for discussing the topic.

With your support, your son can emerge into a sexually responsible grown-up. Be honest and speak from the heart. Don't be discouraged if your son doesn't seem interested in what you have to say. Say it anyway. Studies show that teenagers whose moms and dads talk openly about sex are more responsible in their sexual behavior.


Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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COMMENTS FROM PARENTS:

•    Anonymous said... He already knows he's HFA. We talk about the birds and bees stuff. He's more uncomfortable with it than I am. But I tell him. .you gotta know! He runs in his room, then I tell him some more another day. Its an ongoing process.
•    Anonymous said... He should know he has HFA. We told my nephew as soon as he could understand.
•    Anonymous said... I guess for me since I have a daughter was to be honest, brutally honest about all of it, because of the "woman" stuff she had to know a little sooner but being honest and open has its perks
•    Anonymous said... I think this woman's son knows he's HFA. I hope he does!
•    Anonymous said... I told my son at an early age, all in correct terms, he then had more education in school starting in the 4th grade. He still comes to me with any questions. I make the conversation matter of fact. My son was 11 and asked me if he had Asperger's while watching a news special during Autism awareness month. He has recently asked me when I knew he was different. (He is 15 this month) I asked if he remembered the first time he wanted a toy~ we literally threw him in the minivan and immediately drove to Toys RUS! It's really something seeing him mature. Good Luck1
•    Anonymous said... If he's super factual, maybe some medical/science-type books on reproductive development. My 6-year-old has been looking at my Netter's Anatomy books since he was like 3. He's obsessed with them.
•    Anonymous said... 'making sense of sex by' sarah attwood , written specifically for teens with AS. Has everything about growing up, bullying, crushes, hygiene etc....
•    Anonymous said... My son wasn't interested in books that were recommended to help him understand AS. I finally got the idea to give him the WebMD print out on it. Worked like a charm. He needed the facts, and only the facts. He knew he was different and needed to know why. And most importantly that he is not alone.
•    Anonymous said... Tony Attwood has done a lot of research and has information on this as well.
*   Anonymous said... My 5 YO HFA son is doing a sexual behavior which keep me worried about him. He always looks to my chest and start behaving very strange, open legs pushing his lower body forward. Could`nt get the  reason behind this behavior which scares me alot ...he is only 5!
 
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