Do you need some assistance in parenting your Aspergers or HFA child? Click
here to use Mark Hutten, M.A. as your personal parent coach.
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Hi Mark Thank you for helping me some years ago with my teen She is happily married now with 2 beautiful baby girls. And she thanks me often for not quitting on her.Your teaching was a big part of my not giving up and keeping on keeping on !
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I found your website today as I was educating myself about this disorder. I have a 13 YO daughter who has been diagnosed with ODD. We have been fighting depression and anxiety for 3 years now and thought I had it under control till about 8-12 months ago. She has gotten horribly worse. She refuses to accept responsibility for her actions and blames everyone else when she gets punished. She has now gotten to the point of complete disobedience. My mother picked her up from school yesterday and she tried to run away from her. She had to call the sheriffs office to get her back under control. The sheriff office had to escort her to the ER to have a mental evaluation. My daugher says all she wants is to live with her mother. I cannot allow that to happen. I have custody for a reason. My daughters couselor, my daughter & I last night came to an agreement that she would be allowed to go to her mothers for a month to give time for all of this to calm down. I get a phone call today from her school. She was given instructions by her sub math teacher and refused to obey. The teacher asked her to leave the room and go to the office. She again refused. She had to be taken out of the classroom by the school resource officer. I am like many of the people on the site that are at their "wits end". I was diagnosed with cancer a month ago I had surgery to get the tumor out. My daughter is killing me right now as the stress she has on me is not helping my health. My health is bad as I am now depressed as my frustration is overwhelming. I love my daughter more than anything and I and her need as much help as possible. I dont want to get her involved with the juvenile system or long term residential treatment but I am running out of options. Any help you can give me would be appreciated!!!!!
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I have a very out of control teen.. lying, cursing, stole his brothers money, threatening, etc, etc. I literally just asked if his brother could have a turn on the video games when he had finished up his round, etc or however much he needed. I told him he could get back on games after his brother had quick turn as he had to go to bed much earlier. He started screaming in my face right away. I suggested a time out and he told me “F your time out you bleeping bleep! So how do I respond to this?? Of course I responded completely wrong. I went after it, and I calmly stated that that talk Is not tolerated and there was no need for it, and I do not talk to him likeethat, etc, but he kept saying awful things so I started saying some back which I know I shouldn’t have. He flat out refuses to go to therapy, so we started this program. Home life is great, both parents, 3 siblings.. no economic issues, .. school is tough I know, he is very bright in a scholarship school (his choice).. other than that, I have no idea. He has always been tough so in his personality for sure.. thanks a lot.
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I started looking up aspergers because our grandson was diagnosed when he was 12. His mother being a single parent could not control him anymore so she chose to let her older sister take him into her home and work with him. Since he has been kicked out of school for saying inappropriate things to girls. He is doing online classes and she find him watching porn and not doing his schooling.
Now the boy turns 18 on May 16 2018 and she wants to kick him out in the streets. It is not the boys fault. He did not get the right aspergers guidance that he needed to succeed in life in the real world. He lacks in social skills, he argues, and is defiant.
How can she just kick him out of the house? Is that legal or abandonment? He lives in Michigan. He is in his Junior year of school because he was held back a year. He needs to graduate to get a job.
We do not have the means to let him live with us. We are very concerned for him. We do not want him to go to prison for his actions.
We do not know who to contact to help him and the family to be able to understand him and help him.
What agencies do I contact for help. We are clueless.
Are their life coaches that help with Aspergers. Is it covered under insurance?
Please guide us to people that can help us and the child to get him going in the right direction in life. Needed immediate attention since May 16, 2018 is real soon.
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Good morning
I am emailing about my 15 year old daughter with Aspergers syndrome. She recently got her learners permit and I am attempting to teach her to drive. Needless to say it is a challenge. She cannot take instruction which is typical for her but dangerous when driving. And she can become so anxious she has the equivalent of panic attacks. She then has behaviors like being unable to distinguish the gas from the brake pedals.
My strategy so far has been to stick to an empty mall parking lot or my subdivision so that it is the same familiar loop in an effort to minimize distractions. I only have one car so she practices with the same car while with me.
Am I better off to pay for someone to teach her so it is a neutral party? I am a divorced single mom so I am trying to minimize costs. She also practices with her dad so I cannot ensure an entirely consistent environment but want to do my best.
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Dear Mr. Hutten,
Is this you with the Asperger YouTubes? I love them.
I am a psych NP in the Army who works at the RTF in Ft Gordon (alcohol rehab).
A year ago I had three incredibly awkward and strange dates with an off fellow who is also another Army major (pharmacist). At the end of the third date, which was a horrible memory (he thought I was texting mean things about him), a thought entered my head all of a sudden. “Oh my God, he’s an Aspie!” Boom.
From then on I tried to see things as he might see them, be very concrete in my communication and after awkward “dialogue” (his words) a week later (in the car in a parking lot at his insistence), I assured him I liked him and meant no harm, the 4th date was so beautiful! We are now married.
I have never ever told him I think he has Aspergers. I have Aspie traits too, by the way, except I’m highly empathic and I do not believe I have mind blindness; kind of the opposite. But I can relate to him and I can see things with his lens or I try to.
Should I tell him? Do I let it go? My perception that he has it helps me not get upset with him and is a great tool in my toolbox when we have issues. I try to see from his way. Do I tell him? So far I’ve kept this thought to myself although I think he may know that I know. Or he may not know.
He’s a good man with a warm heart and I love him and hurt that he doesn’t see how others perceive him as odd or arrogant and then they ostracize him. I see it. I don’t know if I should just be a wife and forget the side of me that wants to diagnose. He’s deployed and I saw how he interacted with other Soldiers. Breaks my heart cause they don’t get him; and then he shuts down and it’s a perpetual cycle.
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Hello Mark,
I realise that offering support for everyone who buys your book must be an onerous task - so I'll keep this as brief as possible.
I am AS and my estranged wife is NT.
Unfortunately we separated just 6 months before I realised the cause of our difficulties and my diagnosis was confirmed.
I feel very strongly that, with my new found self-knowledge - I can improve on many of the issues that caused our separation.
I have sent her a copy of your ebook with the message that I would like us to try some of your suggestions.
But there has been no response.
Do you have an email that you can send reluctant wives in this situation? Really just with the message that your book is worth reading; what is the worst that can happen by engaging with some of your ideas; you may be able to answer some of her misgivings; etc? I feel at this moment that she may need more support/encouragement than I do.
She has been a wonderful wife but certainly has suffered during our 24 year marriage and raising 2 good kids - which I greatly regret. It would be a real shame if I couldnt interest her in at least exploring some of your ideas.
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To Mark
Please can you kindly tell me how I sign up for the "out of control" children page and advice.
Have a child of 8 - diagnosed Autistic Traits, from a London hospital. Extremely defiant, and head strong. At Present, he is very very obsessed with the Nintendo (Humoungous aggressive meltdowns when I am trying to persuade to come off). Then he says " I n e e d something else to watch. I n e e d technology. So will then want to be on the dvd player for s o m e time. Then he asks for the laptop for some time. Only child. Myself and him are currently renting a ground floor flat. He is SO LOUD and swearing (every other word),,,, :(. He is due to start a new school soon, we moved, but Is SO Rebellious at night time aswell. He just cant be bothered to sleep:(. He just wants to watch.. Previous neighbourhood complained about him being so loud:(. We are now in rented, I am concerned we may not be able to renew, as the neighbours here hear him pretty much all the time,,,,,
I also need to work, and it is a LOUD battleground,,,,
On a totally different note - do u mind me asking a bit of advice possibly on parenting after Divorce. .. Have always lived some distance from the father, I have offered in the past since Separation, to possibly Move nearer to the father. He didn't really take us up on it. Now we are due to start school in a different area,, I feel the urge to maybe ask him 1 more time possibly, to see if we could move nearer (wont be easy - private renting again). He is completely adamant that there are no issues.... "Everyone has traits of Autism....." Doesn't address any of his issues,, apart from bit of delayed toileting,,, Not very complimentary of me... But because as a single parent, I need to work - Although we are on Completely different pages with his needs, He also refuses me to try for another more assessments, and I seriously believe he may have add/adhd,, poss odd/and or ocd,,,,, Is it still worthwhile do u think trying to live nearer,,, so work possibilities due to him hopefully seeing son regularly eg 1 day per week, may be slightly increased. He is always q stressy...... Thinks sons problem may be down to my parenting etc etc,,,,,,:(. Son also increasingly scared of heights eg refusing to go on escalators and using stairs. always wanting a lift... So, I try wherever to accommodate this....
So sorry for such a lengthy email at this point.
Any thoughts greatly appreciated....
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I am living with an adult brother who’s I raised since he was 14. He is 53, I am 57. He is high functioning, highly intelligent and an alien, government conspiracist about everything in the world. He is a hoarder, passive/aggressive, controlling and everyone needs to do things his way especially me.
I sold my house 15 years ago and moved. I thought it was the house I didn’t like but certainly wrong.
He has absolutely destroyed my house and hangs out with a millennial hippie crowd that goes to Moon Tribes and Burning Man. He works as a videographer taping conspiracy conferences.
For the past eight years he has had a perpetual bevy of coach surfers living in my house on his childhood mattress, he even has his sheets from the sixties.
I have to clean the house when he is out and sneak things to the trash. I have deco furniture from the 1920’s that he has destroyed. While on an extended trip he had hippies in my room. All of my clothes just disappeared, they were clean and folded on my bed. We are talking $10k in clothes. In my closet buried beneath 10 tents from the hippies was a gigantic vinyl bag of hippie clothes and intermingled in it were some of my missing clothes, it was like Christmas. I collect vintage luggage, which was buried in the entryway and magic happened, I had purchased a Norwegian snow hat at the Waldorf Astoria in Park City and it was in there along with sentimental scarfs and a brocade vintage wrap.
Sorry that I am going on and on about fashion but I have no one to talk to and this is a miracle. He picks up furniture of the street, mattresses are stood up against the wall, my couch is vertical against the wall in my office that I have a French door to from my room where Veda the culprit of all things lost had been for a year playin electronic music.
Okay, I googled support groups for people living with adults with Asperger’s, same thing on Facebook book and finally found a link to you. I need therapy or group support. I am in Long Beach, California. I have secondary insurance which I believe is Windstone or Windstar (separate words or together).
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I am contacting confidential on behalf of family who has internal problem with 16 years old
and I need advice in situation describe below :
The 16 years old :
Obsessively playing violent video games, watching violent movies.
Threatening and bullying others
Thee same issues keep coming back over and over again (a sort of boomerang effect).
• Swearing and name calling
pushing, slapping a constant refusal to do as been asked contribute to the household or participate in normal family activities
Emotional blackmail
Belittling parents in front of friends/other family members/public.
Ability for empathy and compassion is not present
He found out and announced it the Law is always on the child's side, through legislation in Child Protection, but there is nothing to protect parents from children who abuse their parents,
Repeated offences of violence suffer in silence and never received Remove all privileges, rights to mobiles computers, video games.
He said ( the abusers ) will ring social services to claim somebody have hit him, and the Law comes down on his side every time.
This behaviour goes on without resolving it.
He’s aggressive and flies off the handle about everything and constantly hiding his
violent behavior from the public.
Pretending Naturally, he was extremely remorseful it’s his pattern.
Energy drainer
Never thanks anyone
Messy in dress and home
Claim to much
Uncompassionate
Never tell the true
Totally undependable
Conduct disorders
He's only defending himself.
He will accept no authority from anyone.
If he doesn't like what you have to say, he'll simply leave - if he cannot escape, he will lash out with violence and
aggressive behavior will get worse.
When he's calm, that he gets sometimes so mad sometimes that he feels rage and feels like he's going to snap.
He has ''antisocial personality,'' who is driven by utterly selfish motives.
To avoid punishment, get something they want or make excuses for themselves poorly supervised Troubled Personality Types and How They Lie ANTISOCIAL Tells lies that manipulate in a cold way.
The burden of proof is upon the oppressed to identify what they would like to replace their oppressor with.
Once he receive comfort, he reject his parents again—and so the cycle repeats itself.
His defend phony illness or injuries,
Controlling his environment and everyone in it.
Become dominant
Constantly Throws Tantrums
Hits, Grabs, Bites, Acts Bossy, and Everything Else That Embarrasses You
Whines From the Moment He Wakes Up
Acts Defiant and Always Negotiates
Complains of Being Bored
Talks Rudely to Adults and Is Mean to Peers
Controls Your Life.
Playing the victim card
Blaming others: If your child is constantly blaming others for things that go wrong
They constantly brag about your kid and find ways to excuse their bad behavior.
Will have a tantrum if challenged, criticized, or told something he dislike.
Never shows much empathy or warmth towards others.
Overly dominant, aggressive, and boundary-pushing with other people.
Non stop researching information about his rights so he can be prepared in case he has to prepare his defense and lies .
Always playing victims and pretending he has a panic attacks .
And works like a switch in the public he is suddenly well behavior.
It is unsafe for others to have him to that much power .
Family seem scared of him they are afraid he can snap on them and never want to tell anybody from outside so they covering his dangerous behavior behind the close door and unfortunately, because these activities occur behind the scenes, it can be difficult to prove that these events are actually occurring.
He does not respect others and place his own needs first and foremost.
He avoids responsibility by “forgetting " never responsible for his actions.
He has no faults, it is everyone around him who has faults and they must be punished for those faults.
He is always the innocent victim of your unreasonable expectations.
Believes that deadlines are for everyone but them.
He does things on their own time schedule and be damned anyone who expects differently from him.
Everybody has to meet his needs.
They care for you the way they care for a favorite chair.
You are there for their comfort and pleasure and are of use as long as you fill their needs.
Always has negative attitudes especially at home behind the closed doorsHe said in case he has to defend himself he complains of being misunderstood and unappreciated by others .
but outside appears to comply or act appropriately, but actually behave negatively and passively resist.
Difficult time getting along with others.
Appear enthusiastic to carry out others requests, but he purposely performs in a manner that is not useful and sometimes even damaging.
Intentional avoidance of responsibility.
Some behaviors that may be used to avoid responsibility include:
o Procrastination—to delay or postpone needlessly and intentionally
o Deliberate inefficiency—purposefully performing in an incompetent manner
o Forgetfulness
• Feelings of resentfulness towards others
• Stubbornness
• Argumentative, sulky, and hostile, especially toward authority figures
• Easily offended
• Resentful of useful suggestions from others
• Blames others
• Chronically impatient
• Unexpressed anger or hostility
It is a prolonged pattern of negative and repeated behaviors .
Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
Sarcasm, Critical and “Off-Color” Jokes
tendency to blame others for own failures.
Always expresses envy and resentment toward those apparently more fortunate
He gives you unclear information, withholds information that you don’t “need” , or gives you too little or too much information.
With too little, you are left shaky and uncertain, realizing after he leaves that he didn’t really answer your question, or in fact made the situation look worse than you thought.
Always overreact .
Thank you and waiting for your advice .
Regards,
Family friend
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Hello Mr. Hutten,
I found you online after countless searches on resources for people in my situation. My partner has Aspergers. I know he does bc I have been searching for "what is wrong with him" for years. I first thought it was his Germanness. Then maybe general anger and anxiety issues. I was reading a post about different supplements to combat anger issues when a poster mentioned that his anger, caused by his general aspergers, greatly reduced after taking glutamine. Up until that point I never considered Aspergers. I read everything about it in the weeks after and it fits perfectly. I took a test online with him....playfully and it came out that he had Aspergers. I know that isn't conclusive but I have absolutley no doubt he has it.
The thing though is that he just dismissed it... he just said "hmm"... and went back to watching tv. This made me so mad and over the weeks, whenever he did something clearly "autistic" I would get upset internally that he wasn't mitigating it. He can't mitigate something he doesn't acknowledge.... it's that lack if acknowledgement that really gets me upset.
He's angry, brash, has the shortest temper and is incredibley unable to be self sufficient. He has a very hard time keeping a job. If he doesn't agree with his boss, it becomes a battle. He lacks self awareness, humility and, of course, empathy.
I want to believe that if he would just acknowledge his Aspergers, he's be motivated to improve. I don't expect him to do a 180 degree change.... I just want some acknowledgement that I am not insane. I've read so many stories about couples in our situation that were able to grow together.... I want that bc I love him.
He says the most insulting things and misunderstands things and never ever ever apologises.
I don't even know what my question to you should be. I just need some sort of direction on how to approach this with him without starting WWIII.
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I recently listened to your three part series on living with a husband who has aspergers. It was very insightful and I finally felt relief as I could pinpoint what has been occurring in my relationship with my boyfriend of 5 years. I always assumed that my boyfriend was just socially awkward, but I am fairly certain that he has mild Aspergers. He fits into most of the criteria. Although it has given me relief knowing that his awkward behavior is likely do to a condition, I don't know how to bring the topic up to him. I am afraid that if I mention "Asperger" he will automatically shut down and say I'm attacking him. Do you have any suggestions for how to suggest to him that he may have this condition in a loving way? I'm at a loss and don't know what to do!
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We are great grandparents of a little boy who will be six in a few weeks and just one year ago he was finally diagnosed with Asbergers/autism syndrome/special needs child at his preschool and then his now kindergarten school. Late coming but finally found out what we suspected. His parents are not educating themselves but we are and will help them and most especially him as much as we can. They refused to believe he has problems and did for several years beginning at age two or before,
We are his primary caregivers while his parents work or cannot take care of him. He is in a good school struggles a lot with social issues is "smart" we are told over and over and is making progress. We simply need to know all we can. I may take a while to read and listen but we will definitely take the time. He has a terrible diet, his mother does not cook and they eat fast foods o pre prepared things. We do it differently here which helps him somewhat.
I will let you know of his progress, we (I) love seeing it from other caregivers and parents and others who care so much for these kids, the success in small measured pieces.
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I actually think it’s far too late
for my partner and myself.
We’re about to separate as he says he’s now fed up with him being labeled
as controlling, moody, unemotional despite him being diagnosed 18 months
ago. We came back early from a well needed weekend away because he could not stop himself from being moody and irritated by me.
He now thinks he may only be able to dip in and out of relationships as he
does with his whole family despite them all being close and having the usual contact with each other and will not under any circumstances go to a
counselor. I think he may be correct as this is all he does/has ever done with is family, previous marriage and relationships.
He saw a specialist adult physician/psychiatrist for his diagnosis of high functioning Asperger
diagnosis who recommended CBT through his team but having been 2-3 times he
feels it’s unhelpful and doesn’t see the point.
Having had a follow up appointment with the specialist 6 months ago who recommended upping his
antidepressants and seeing the psychologist more regularly he’s upped the
dose but not seen her again.
She had asked to see us together but it's as if he’s in denial that she may help. I
think he might be finding the counselling and CBT tough as its probably touching a raw spot. He’s very clever and
thinks he knows himself better than anyone and that nobody can know him better and nobody can help.
We’re at crisis point as I don’t think I should live like this anymore.
Any suggestions?
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Mark, I have a 25 year-old daughter on the spectrum who is currently living on her own. She struggles with many of the issues you outline in your articles: overall health, planning, initiating, follow through. She returned home after (but not finishing) college and we came to a point where it made sense for her to live on her own. She’s supporting herself by providing care for a 9 year-old with special needs – somewhat of a live-in situation. She’s made great progress since moving out and I’d like to continue to help her gain her confidence and independence. To that end I’d like to schedule a phone call with you to understand more of your coaching services.
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Dear Mark,
Like many other parents trying to seek solutions I went online and found you. After having looked at numerous blogs, websites, and most recently your website I’m quite assured our son, perhaps my husband has Aspergers.
I’d like to focus on my son as I’m heartbroken for him. He often has good intentions to navigate difficult group decisions in our family but it always goes badly. The interpersonal navigation of problem solving, regular communication goes badly. This results in him feeling ‘demonized’ ‘always the bad guy’’always wrong’.
I see he’s very justice oriented, wanting to make sure the right thing is communicated, problem solved... but due to his monotone way of communicating, the intensity of his communication, the tightness of how he communicates - it’s often offensive to us resulting in a high level of frustration for him which makes him feel marginalized.
When he was a young boy he’d line up his cars over and over again, he hated hugs, he focused on fulfilling his duty (like walking to school and not saying hi to peers along the way), softly repeating each line of movie lines, but we didn’t see this was unique.
Now hes an adult and we see how it affects his relationships here at home. He’s very high functioning, you’d never know he’s struggling or frustrated with those outside our household, he’s a very successful young man with his jobs, with school and even with professional relationships. I have a feeling his peer relationships are difficult but he doesn’t talk about it.
In conclusion, I see this is getting to him, not knowing why he’s struggling and going through such challenges. We want to tell him that we think he might have Aspergers but he’s never been diagnosed and secondly I’m not sure how this news might affect him. I actually think it might come as a big relief to him knowing we can educate him, give him some tools for the journey.
I need help. What do I do? My heart breaks for our son. We love him so very much but see such struggle. He even broke down last week saying this is the primary reason he’s not going out with someone at the moment.
On the outside he’s handsome, he’s successful yet such inner struggle.
I’m looking for direction on what to do next. If you have books? Blogs? Videos? I’ll do as much as I can to help our son.
Thank you for your post I found online.
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Our son Rio is 16. ASD, ADHD, non-compliance disorder, depression, anxiety etc etc. We managed OK until he turned 14 then things really got bad. No amount of assertive parenting, clear boundaries & staying calm has helped. The underlying aggression has been a constant. The meltdowns are infrequent but result in extreme property damage (1000s of dollars worth that will take him years to repay) police being called, nights in hospital, occasional weeks in psych wards.
Last week, (after returning from a family weekend camping trip! )he had a massive meltdown after I said no to buying him alcohol. He was taken away.. Again.. by police & paramedics to hospital for observation. In the morning when they rang for me to collect him I said no. He can't come back. Enough is enough. I can not handle anymore of this abuse. I have a husband, another child & myself to consider. We deserve a peaceful life.
I haven't turned my back on him & will support him when he can be civil & behaves non aggressively.
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Hello Mark,
I'm wondering if you'd please be able to give me some advice concerning a temporary situation where I am staying...The Landlord I believe, has Aspergers, and I believe, a Conduct Disorder.
I'm only residing here for a short time--less than six weeks--today she came in and placed a birthday cake for someone--I believe she was intentionally hiding it downstairs--and when I
returned the cake had been taken and so had my new italian shawl that was on my bed.
She had earlier lied to my friends about me and they of course didn't believe it owing to its outrage. Please, do you have any advice on the best way to approach her to get it back.
Mark, I'm actually a therapist myself, transitioning to Victoria from another province when this
happened. I'd be extremely grateful for any advice you can offer on how to approach this woman. Thank you for your consideration.
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Hi, Yesterday I bought your e-book on AS/NT relationships. I am engaged to an AS man who I have known since I was 17 and dated at that time. I always knew I loved him even with his "quirkiness". Fast forward 40 years and we have re-connected after having been married to other people. I have been extremely frustrated with his lack of empathy and will try some of your suggestions. I would truly like us to see a counselor who specializes in AS/NT relationships in the Orlando area. He also has an office in Wheeling, WVA and I also have property in Western PA, so even perhaps someone in those areas as well. I am a little nervous about bringing up the subject that I believe he is an AS guy, but I would like to talk to a therapist about this as well. Any suggestions??
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Hi Mr. Hutten,
My 11yr old son, John, has Asperger's disorder. After years of struggling in the local school system, we sent him to an excellent school for children with Asperger's, ADHD etc... We used all of the resources we could to get a lawyer to help us get the school district to help us pay for this new school and transportation. He started to really thrive and up until yesterday, had a great school year. I thought my prayers were finally answered. The school was wonderful, 4:1 student teacher ratio, highly trained staff, serene setting and protocol in place to help a kid leave the room to deal with a meltdown. He was thriving and catching up academically and they all loved him. Yesterday, he came home and told me that he had a massive meltdown in school and, from his description, he may be asked to leave the school. He had a few minor meltdowns in school this year but nothing like this and we are all devastated, especially John. The school usually communicates an issue right away but we have heard nothing from them. Considering that he tells me that hit his teachers and "broke a computer", which I am completely appalled by, I can guess that it is pretty bad now. I can't blame them.
He always feels remorse and great shame after losing his temper but he is overwhelmed now and says that he "doesn't even know how to help himself". This is what used to happen in the old school. I am at a loss. John is a sweet, bright, funny child. He has always been a tiny kid (not even on the growth chart due to being severely premature), but is recently starting to grow. He does not throw these tantrums to gain something, he just has so much trouble self regulating when he feels frustrated or overwhelmed. He is currently on 2 medications through a psychiatrist at the Center for Autism and the Developing Brain at New York Hospital Westchester and I will be speaking with her today.
Do you have any suggestions for a family in our situation?
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My 25yr old son has meltdowns somewhat regular basis. I never know until I hear him slam something, complain about environmental noise or neighbors he hasn't met! He's not paranoid but can be perceived that way because we don't understand why he would think everyone hates him or talking about him.
So today I showed him quote that said:
"Tell the negative committee meeting in your brain to shut up and sit down". He cracked up laughing.
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We see each other n he takes me out at least 2 to 3 times a month we are intimate he says he wants to be left alone . We have no communication when we are together he says he wants to enjoy his time with me not to talk about problems.
We own a restaurant together but for 33 years I never came here very rarely because when I would come with the kids he would get upset n nervous he said he needed to concentrate on the business
Years passed by n now my kids are men n they are all working here .
N now I decided to work here as well which makes him nervous I come here 5 times a week .
He comes here at 7 am sits on the front table n just looks st the walls or reads by himself! He spends all day in the restaurant just sitting down n talking to whoever customer starts conversation.
All his conversations are about food n restaurant.it all started when we where getting sued by the dishwashers for overtime. He would come home with headaches n was very mean n verbally abusive to me n my sons . Would tell him that he can talk to me but not to take it out on me that I understood the restaurant meant a lot to him but that all I really cared about was him that it was ok if we lost everything that we would just start all over n have each other . He kept on being verbally abusive n very quiet n cold he even hit my middle child that was 27 years old at the time .
So I told him crying one night when he was yelling at me n telling me there was nothing for me to smile about.( I was waiting up for him like I always did ) that he was like a devil that why was he torturing me when all I’ve done is love him to leave me alone and leave . He left a few weeks later . He has never told my kids he loves them . I use to get the live word out of him . I was so caught up bringing up the kids I didn’t realize what was going on I thought he was just being a good husband n father . Our sex life had always been amazing. Even now when we are together it’s amazing.
He says we don’t get along . I told him the argument were always because he would ignore me n though the restaurant was more important. And sometimes when we go out he has a way of talking to woman that seems like flirting but I don’t think he does it on purpose he would look at me like a little kid wounded when I would tell him he had been inappropriate n it was lack of respect towards me .the reason why I’m reaching out to you is because our biggest problem is lack of communication I know . But at the same time he blames me for everything n even says things that are not true n he swears by it . He has developed a paranoia towards me that he sometimes won’t even go near me . He is like a little scared child . He has episodes when he screams n one day in the car even was hitting his head on the side window n screaming his lungs out .
I want to help my husband Mark .
I really think he needs help for him to understand what’s going on with him . That it’s not my fault .
He doesn’t want to go to a doctor he is too proud .
But he tortures my kids in the restaurant he has no filter .
I try to go out with my friends n keep busy doing things I like but it’s very hard because my heart is not in any of it .
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Hi Mark Thank you for helping me some years ago with my teen She is happily married now with 2 beautiful baby girls. And she thanks me often for not quitting on her.Your teaching was a big part of my not giving up and keeping on keeping on !
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I found your website today as I was educating myself about this disorder. I have a 13 YO daughter who has been diagnosed with ODD. We have been fighting depression and anxiety for 3 years now and thought I had it under control till about 8-12 months ago. She has gotten horribly worse. She refuses to accept responsibility for her actions and blames everyone else when she gets punished. She has now gotten to the point of complete disobedience. My mother picked her up from school yesterday and she tried to run away from her. She had to call the sheriffs office to get her back under control. The sheriff office had to escort her to the ER to have a mental evaluation. My daugher says all she wants is to live with her mother. I cannot allow that to happen. I have custody for a reason. My daughters couselor, my daughter & I last night came to an agreement that she would be allowed to go to her mothers for a month to give time for all of this to calm down. I get a phone call today from her school. She was given instructions by her sub math teacher and refused to obey. The teacher asked her to leave the room and go to the office. She again refused. She had to be taken out of the classroom by the school resource officer. I am like many of the people on the site that are at their "wits end". I was diagnosed with cancer a month ago I had surgery to get the tumor out. My daughter is killing me right now as the stress she has on me is not helping my health. My health is bad as I am now depressed as my frustration is overwhelming. I love my daughter more than anything and I and her need as much help as possible. I dont want to get her involved with the juvenile system or long term residential treatment but I am running out of options. Any help you can give me would be appreciated!!!!!
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I have a very out of control teen.. lying, cursing, stole his brothers money, threatening, etc, etc. I literally just asked if his brother could have a turn on the video games when he had finished up his round, etc or however much he needed. I told him he could get back on games after his brother had quick turn as he had to go to bed much earlier. He started screaming in my face right away. I suggested a time out and he told me “F your time out you bleeping bleep! So how do I respond to this?? Of course I responded completely wrong. I went after it, and I calmly stated that that talk Is not tolerated and there was no need for it, and I do not talk to him likeethat, etc, but he kept saying awful things so I started saying some back which I know I shouldn’t have. He flat out refuses to go to therapy, so we started this program. Home life is great, both parents, 3 siblings.. no economic issues, .. school is tough I know, he is very bright in a scholarship school (his choice).. other than that, I have no idea. He has always been tough so in his personality for sure.. thanks a lot.
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I started looking up aspergers because our grandson was diagnosed when he was 12. His mother being a single parent could not control him anymore so she chose to let her older sister take him into her home and work with him. Since he has been kicked out of school for saying inappropriate things to girls. He is doing online classes and she find him watching porn and not doing his schooling.
Now the boy turns 18 on May 16 2018 and she wants to kick him out in the streets. It is not the boys fault. He did not get the right aspergers guidance that he needed to succeed in life in the real world. He lacks in social skills, he argues, and is defiant.
How can she just kick him out of the house? Is that legal or abandonment? He lives in Michigan. He is in his Junior year of school because he was held back a year. He needs to graduate to get a job.
We do not have the means to let him live with us. We are very concerned for him. We do not want him to go to prison for his actions.
We do not know who to contact to help him and the family to be able to understand him and help him.
What agencies do I contact for help. We are clueless.
Are their life coaches that help with Aspergers. Is it covered under insurance?
Please guide us to people that can help us and the child to get him going in the right direction in life. Needed immediate attention since May 16, 2018 is real soon.
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Good morning
I am emailing about my 15 year old daughter with Aspergers syndrome. She recently got her learners permit and I am attempting to teach her to drive. Needless to say it is a challenge. She cannot take instruction which is typical for her but dangerous when driving. And she can become so anxious she has the equivalent of panic attacks. She then has behaviors like being unable to distinguish the gas from the brake pedals.
My strategy so far has been to stick to an empty mall parking lot or my subdivision so that it is the same familiar loop in an effort to minimize distractions. I only have one car so she practices with the same car while with me.
Am I better off to pay for someone to teach her so it is a neutral party? I am a divorced single mom so I am trying to minimize costs. She also practices with her dad so I cannot ensure an entirely consistent environment but want to do my best.
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Dear Mr. Hutten,
Is this you with the Asperger YouTubes? I love them.
I am a psych NP in the Army who works at the RTF in Ft Gordon (alcohol rehab).
A year ago I had three incredibly awkward and strange dates with an off fellow who is also another Army major (pharmacist). At the end of the third date, which was a horrible memory (he thought I was texting mean things about him), a thought entered my head all of a sudden. “Oh my God, he’s an Aspie!” Boom.
From then on I tried to see things as he might see them, be very concrete in my communication and after awkward “dialogue” (his words) a week later (in the car in a parking lot at his insistence), I assured him I liked him and meant no harm, the 4th date was so beautiful! We are now married.
I have never ever told him I think he has Aspergers. I have Aspie traits too, by the way, except I’m highly empathic and I do not believe I have mind blindness; kind of the opposite. But I can relate to him and I can see things with his lens or I try to.
Should I tell him? Do I let it go? My perception that he has it helps me not get upset with him and is a great tool in my toolbox when we have issues. I try to see from his way. Do I tell him? So far I’ve kept this thought to myself although I think he may know that I know. Or he may not know.
He’s a good man with a warm heart and I love him and hurt that he doesn’t see how others perceive him as odd or arrogant and then they ostracize him. I see it. I don’t know if I should just be a wife and forget the side of me that wants to diagnose. He’s deployed and I saw how he interacted with other Soldiers. Breaks my heart cause they don’t get him; and then he shuts down and it’s a perpetual cycle.
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Hello Mark,
I realise that offering support for everyone who buys your book must be an onerous task - so I'll keep this as brief as possible.
I am AS and my estranged wife is NT.
Unfortunately we separated just 6 months before I realised the cause of our difficulties and my diagnosis was confirmed.
I feel very strongly that, with my new found self-knowledge - I can improve on many of the issues that caused our separation.
I have sent her a copy of your ebook with the message that I would like us to try some of your suggestions.
But there has been no response.
Do you have an email that you can send reluctant wives in this situation? Really just with the message that your book is worth reading; what is the worst that can happen by engaging with some of your ideas; you may be able to answer some of her misgivings; etc? I feel at this moment that she may need more support/encouragement than I do.
She has been a wonderful wife but certainly has suffered during our 24 year marriage and raising 2 good kids - which I greatly regret. It would be a real shame if I couldnt interest her in at least exploring some of your ideas.
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To Mark
Please can you kindly tell me how I sign up for the "out of control" children page and advice.
Have a child of 8 - diagnosed Autistic Traits, from a London hospital. Extremely defiant, and head strong. At Present, he is very very obsessed with the Nintendo (Humoungous aggressive meltdowns when I am trying to persuade to come off). Then he says " I n e e d something else to watch. I n e e d technology. So will then want to be on the dvd player for s o m e time. Then he asks for the laptop for some time. Only child. Myself and him are currently renting a ground floor flat. He is SO LOUD and swearing (every other word),,,, :(. He is due to start a new school soon, we moved, but Is SO Rebellious at night time aswell. He just cant be bothered to sleep:(. He just wants to watch.. Previous neighbourhood complained about him being so loud:(. We are now in rented, I am concerned we may not be able to renew, as the neighbours here hear him pretty much all the time,,,,,
I also need to work, and it is a LOUD battleground,,,,
On a totally different note - do u mind me asking a bit of advice possibly on parenting after Divorce. .. Have always lived some distance from the father, I have offered in the past since Separation, to possibly Move nearer to the father. He didn't really take us up on it. Now we are due to start school in a different area,, I feel the urge to maybe ask him 1 more time possibly, to see if we could move nearer (wont be easy - private renting again). He is completely adamant that there are no issues.... "Everyone has traits of Autism....." Doesn't address any of his issues,, apart from bit of delayed toileting,,, Not very complimentary of me... But because as a single parent, I need to work - Although we are on Completely different pages with his needs, He also refuses me to try for another more assessments, and I seriously believe he may have add/adhd,, poss odd/and or ocd,,,,, Is it still worthwhile do u think trying to live nearer,,, so work possibilities due to him hopefully seeing son regularly eg 1 day per week, may be slightly increased. He is always q stressy...... Thinks sons problem may be down to my parenting etc etc,,,,,,:(. Son also increasingly scared of heights eg refusing to go on escalators and using stairs. always wanting a lift... So, I try wherever to accommodate this....
So sorry for such a lengthy email at this point.
Any thoughts greatly appreciated....
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I am living with an adult brother who’s I raised since he was 14. He is 53, I am 57. He is high functioning, highly intelligent and an alien, government conspiracist about everything in the world. He is a hoarder, passive/aggressive, controlling and everyone needs to do things his way especially me.
I sold my house 15 years ago and moved. I thought it was the house I didn’t like but certainly wrong.
He has absolutely destroyed my house and hangs out with a millennial hippie crowd that goes to Moon Tribes and Burning Man. He works as a videographer taping conspiracy conferences.
For the past eight years he has had a perpetual bevy of coach surfers living in my house on his childhood mattress, he even has his sheets from the sixties.
I have to clean the house when he is out and sneak things to the trash. I have deco furniture from the 1920’s that he has destroyed. While on an extended trip he had hippies in my room. All of my clothes just disappeared, they were clean and folded on my bed. We are talking $10k in clothes. In my closet buried beneath 10 tents from the hippies was a gigantic vinyl bag of hippie clothes and intermingled in it were some of my missing clothes, it was like Christmas. I collect vintage luggage, which was buried in the entryway and magic happened, I had purchased a Norwegian snow hat at the Waldorf Astoria in Park City and it was in there along with sentimental scarfs and a brocade vintage wrap.
Sorry that I am going on and on about fashion but I have no one to talk to and this is a miracle. He picks up furniture of the street, mattresses are stood up against the wall, my couch is vertical against the wall in my office that I have a French door to from my room where Veda the culprit of all things lost had been for a year playin electronic music.
Okay, I googled support groups for people living with adults with Asperger’s, same thing on Facebook book and finally found a link to you. I need therapy or group support. I am in Long Beach, California. I have secondary insurance which I believe is Windstone or Windstar (separate words or together).
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I am contacting confidential on behalf of family who has internal problem with 16 years old
and I need advice in situation describe below :
The 16 years old :
Obsessively playing violent video games, watching violent movies.
Threatening and bullying others
Thee same issues keep coming back over and over again (a sort of boomerang effect).
• Swearing and name calling
pushing, slapping a constant refusal to do as been asked contribute to the household or participate in normal family activities
Emotional blackmail
Belittling parents in front of friends/other family members/public.
Ability for empathy and compassion is not present
He found out and announced it the Law is always on the child's side, through legislation in Child Protection, but there is nothing to protect parents from children who abuse their parents,
Repeated offences of violence suffer in silence and never received Remove all privileges, rights to mobiles computers, video games.
He said ( the abusers ) will ring social services to claim somebody have hit him, and the Law comes down on his side every time.
This behaviour goes on without resolving it.
He’s aggressive and flies off the handle about everything and constantly hiding his
violent behavior from the public.
Pretending Naturally, he was extremely remorseful it’s his pattern.
Energy drainer
Never thanks anyone
Messy in dress and home
Claim to much
Uncompassionate
Never tell the true
Totally undependable
Conduct disorders
He's only defending himself.
He will accept no authority from anyone.
If he doesn't like what you have to say, he'll simply leave - if he cannot escape, he will lash out with violence and
aggressive behavior will get worse.
When he's calm, that he gets sometimes so mad sometimes that he feels rage and feels like he's going to snap.
He has ''antisocial personality,'' who is driven by utterly selfish motives.
To avoid punishment, get something they want or make excuses for themselves poorly supervised Troubled Personality Types and How They Lie ANTISOCIAL Tells lies that manipulate in a cold way.
The burden of proof is upon the oppressed to identify what they would like to replace their oppressor with.
Once he receive comfort, he reject his parents again—and so the cycle repeats itself.
His defend phony illness or injuries,
Controlling his environment and everyone in it.
Become dominant
Constantly Throws Tantrums
Hits, Grabs, Bites, Acts Bossy, and Everything Else That Embarrasses You
Whines From the Moment He Wakes Up
Acts Defiant and Always Negotiates
Complains of Being Bored
Talks Rudely to Adults and Is Mean to Peers
Controls Your Life.
Playing the victim card
Blaming others: If your child is constantly blaming others for things that go wrong
They constantly brag about your kid and find ways to excuse their bad behavior.
Will have a tantrum if challenged, criticized, or told something he dislike.
Never shows much empathy or warmth towards others.
Overly dominant, aggressive, and boundary-pushing with other people.
Non stop researching information about his rights so he can be prepared in case he has to prepare his defense and lies .
Always playing victims and pretending he has a panic attacks .
And works like a switch in the public he is suddenly well behavior.
It is unsafe for others to have him to that much power .
Family seem scared of him they are afraid he can snap on them and never want to tell anybody from outside so they covering his dangerous behavior behind the close door and unfortunately, because these activities occur behind the scenes, it can be difficult to prove that these events are actually occurring.
He does not respect others and place his own needs first and foremost.
He avoids responsibility by “forgetting " never responsible for his actions.
He has no faults, it is everyone around him who has faults and they must be punished for those faults.
He is always the innocent victim of your unreasonable expectations.
Believes that deadlines are for everyone but them.
He does things on their own time schedule and be damned anyone who expects differently from him.
Everybody has to meet his needs.
They care for you the way they care for a favorite chair.
You are there for their comfort and pleasure and are of use as long as you fill their needs.
Always has negative attitudes especially at home behind the closed doorsHe said in case he has to defend himself he complains of being misunderstood and unappreciated by others .
but outside appears to comply or act appropriately, but actually behave negatively and passively resist.
Difficult time getting along with others.
Appear enthusiastic to carry out others requests, but he purposely performs in a manner that is not useful and sometimes even damaging.
Intentional avoidance of responsibility.
Some behaviors that may be used to avoid responsibility include:
o Procrastination—to delay or postpone needlessly and intentionally
o Deliberate inefficiency—purposefully performing in an incompetent manner
o Forgetfulness
• Feelings of resentfulness towards others
• Stubbornness
• Argumentative, sulky, and hostile, especially toward authority figures
• Easily offended
• Resentful of useful suggestions from others
• Blames others
• Chronically impatient
• Unexpressed anger or hostility
It is a prolonged pattern of negative and repeated behaviors .
Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
Sarcasm, Critical and “Off-Color” Jokes
tendency to blame others for own failures.
Always expresses envy and resentment toward those apparently more fortunate
He gives you unclear information, withholds information that you don’t “need” , or gives you too little or too much information.
With too little, you are left shaky and uncertain, realizing after he leaves that he didn’t really answer your question, or in fact made the situation look worse than you thought.
Always overreact .
Thank you and waiting for your advice .
Regards,
Family friend
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Hello Mr. Hutten,
I found you online after countless searches on resources for people in my situation. My partner has Aspergers. I know he does bc I have been searching for "what is wrong with him" for years. I first thought it was his Germanness. Then maybe general anger and anxiety issues. I was reading a post about different supplements to combat anger issues when a poster mentioned that his anger, caused by his general aspergers, greatly reduced after taking glutamine. Up until that point I never considered Aspergers. I read everything about it in the weeks after and it fits perfectly. I took a test online with him....playfully and it came out that he had Aspergers. I know that isn't conclusive but I have absolutley no doubt he has it.
The thing though is that he just dismissed it... he just said "hmm"... and went back to watching tv. This made me so mad and over the weeks, whenever he did something clearly "autistic" I would get upset internally that he wasn't mitigating it. He can't mitigate something he doesn't acknowledge.... it's that lack if acknowledgement that really gets me upset.
He's angry, brash, has the shortest temper and is incredibley unable to be self sufficient. He has a very hard time keeping a job. If he doesn't agree with his boss, it becomes a battle. He lacks self awareness, humility and, of course, empathy.
I want to believe that if he would just acknowledge his Aspergers, he's be motivated to improve. I don't expect him to do a 180 degree change.... I just want some acknowledgement that I am not insane. I've read so many stories about couples in our situation that were able to grow together.... I want that bc I love him.
He says the most insulting things and misunderstands things and never ever ever apologises.
I don't even know what my question to you should be. I just need some sort of direction on how to approach this with him without starting WWIII.
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I recently listened to your three part series on living with a husband who has aspergers. It was very insightful and I finally felt relief as I could pinpoint what has been occurring in my relationship with my boyfriend of 5 years. I always assumed that my boyfriend was just socially awkward, but I am fairly certain that he has mild Aspergers. He fits into most of the criteria. Although it has given me relief knowing that his awkward behavior is likely do to a condition, I don't know how to bring the topic up to him. I am afraid that if I mention "Asperger" he will automatically shut down and say I'm attacking him. Do you have any suggestions for how to suggest to him that he may have this condition in a loving way? I'm at a loss and don't know what to do!
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We are great grandparents of a little boy who will be six in a few weeks and just one year ago he was finally diagnosed with Asbergers/autism syndrome/special needs child at his preschool and then his now kindergarten school. Late coming but finally found out what we suspected. His parents are not educating themselves but we are and will help them and most especially him as much as we can. They refused to believe he has problems and did for several years beginning at age two or before,
We are his primary caregivers while his parents work or cannot take care of him. He is in a good school struggles a lot with social issues is "smart" we are told over and over and is making progress. We simply need to know all we can. I may take a while to read and listen but we will definitely take the time. He has a terrible diet, his mother does not cook and they eat fast foods o pre prepared things. We do it differently here which helps him somewhat.
I will let you know of his progress, we (I) love seeing it from other caregivers and parents and others who care so much for these kids, the success in small measured pieces.
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I actually think it’s far too late
for my partner and myself.
We’re about to separate as he says he’s now fed up with him being labeled
as controlling, moody, unemotional despite him being diagnosed 18 months
ago. We came back early from a well needed weekend away because he could not stop himself from being moody and irritated by me.
He now thinks he may only be able to dip in and out of relationships as he
does with his whole family despite them all being close and having the usual contact with each other and will not under any circumstances go to a
counselor. I think he may be correct as this is all he does/has ever done with is family, previous marriage and relationships.
He saw a specialist adult physician/psychiatrist for his diagnosis of high functioning Asperger
diagnosis who recommended CBT through his team but having been 2-3 times he
feels it’s unhelpful and doesn’t see the point.
Having had a follow up appointment with the specialist 6 months ago who recommended upping his
antidepressants and seeing the psychologist more regularly he’s upped the
dose but not seen her again.
She had asked to see us together but it's as if he’s in denial that she may help. I
think he might be finding the counselling and CBT tough as its probably touching a raw spot. He’s very clever and
thinks he knows himself better than anyone and that nobody can know him better and nobody can help.
We’re at crisis point as I don’t think I should live like this anymore.
Any suggestions?
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Mark, I have a 25 year-old daughter on the spectrum who is currently living on her own. She struggles with many of the issues you outline in your articles: overall health, planning, initiating, follow through. She returned home after (but not finishing) college and we came to a point where it made sense for her to live on her own. She’s supporting herself by providing care for a 9 year-old with special needs – somewhat of a live-in situation. She’s made great progress since moving out and I’d like to continue to help her gain her confidence and independence. To that end I’d like to schedule a phone call with you to understand more of your coaching services.
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Dear Mark,
Like many other parents trying to seek solutions I went online and found you. After having looked at numerous blogs, websites, and most recently your website I’m quite assured our son, perhaps my husband has Aspergers.
I’d like to focus on my son as I’m heartbroken for him. He often has good intentions to navigate difficult group decisions in our family but it always goes badly. The interpersonal navigation of problem solving, regular communication goes badly. This results in him feeling ‘demonized’ ‘always the bad guy’’always wrong’.
I see he’s very justice oriented, wanting to make sure the right thing is communicated, problem solved... but due to his monotone way of communicating, the intensity of his communication, the tightness of how he communicates - it’s often offensive to us resulting in a high level of frustration for him which makes him feel marginalized.
When he was a young boy he’d line up his cars over and over again, he hated hugs, he focused on fulfilling his duty (like walking to school and not saying hi to peers along the way), softly repeating each line of movie lines, but we didn’t see this was unique.
Now hes an adult and we see how it affects his relationships here at home. He’s very high functioning, you’d never know he’s struggling or frustrated with those outside our household, he’s a very successful young man with his jobs, with school and even with professional relationships. I have a feeling his peer relationships are difficult but he doesn’t talk about it.
In conclusion, I see this is getting to him, not knowing why he’s struggling and going through such challenges. We want to tell him that we think he might have Aspergers but he’s never been diagnosed and secondly I’m not sure how this news might affect him. I actually think it might come as a big relief to him knowing we can educate him, give him some tools for the journey.
I need help. What do I do? My heart breaks for our son. We love him so very much but see such struggle. He even broke down last week saying this is the primary reason he’s not going out with someone at the moment.
On the outside he’s handsome, he’s successful yet such inner struggle.
I’m looking for direction on what to do next. If you have books? Blogs? Videos? I’ll do as much as I can to help our son.
Thank you for your post I found online.
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Our son Rio is 16. ASD, ADHD, non-compliance disorder, depression, anxiety etc etc. We managed OK until he turned 14 then things really got bad. No amount of assertive parenting, clear boundaries & staying calm has helped. The underlying aggression has been a constant. The meltdowns are infrequent but result in extreme property damage (1000s of dollars worth that will take him years to repay) police being called, nights in hospital, occasional weeks in psych wards.
Last week, (after returning from a family weekend camping trip! )he had a massive meltdown after I said no to buying him alcohol. He was taken away.. Again.. by police & paramedics to hospital for observation. In the morning when they rang for me to collect him I said no. He can't come back. Enough is enough. I can not handle anymore of this abuse. I have a husband, another child & myself to consider. We deserve a peaceful life.
I haven't turned my back on him & will support him when he can be civil & behaves non aggressively.
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Hello Mark,
I'm wondering if you'd please be able to give me some advice concerning a temporary situation where I am staying...The Landlord I believe, has Aspergers, and I believe, a Conduct Disorder.
I'm only residing here for a short time--less than six weeks--today she came in and placed a birthday cake for someone--I believe she was intentionally hiding it downstairs--and when I
returned the cake had been taken and so had my new italian shawl that was on my bed.
She had earlier lied to my friends about me and they of course didn't believe it owing to its outrage. Please, do you have any advice on the best way to approach her to get it back.
Mark, I'm actually a therapist myself, transitioning to Victoria from another province when this
happened. I'd be extremely grateful for any advice you can offer on how to approach this woman. Thank you for your consideration.
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Hi, Yesterday I bought your e-book on AS/NT relationships. I am engaged to an AS man who I have known since I was 17 and dated at that time. I always knew I loved him even with his "quirkiness". Fast forward 40 years and we have re-connected after having been married to other people. I have been extremely frustrated with his lack of empathy and will try some of your suggestions. I would truly like us to see a counselor who specializes in AS/NT relationships in the Orlando area. He also has an office in Wheeling, WVA and I also have property in Western PA, so even perhaps someone in those areas as well. I am a little nervous about bringing up the subject that I believe he is an AS guy, but I would like to talk to a therapist about this as well. Any suggestions??
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Hi Mr. Hutten,
My 11yr old son, John, has Asperger's disorder. After years of struggling in the local school system, we sent him to an excellent school for children with Asperger's, ADHD etc... We used all of the resources we could to get a lawyer to help us get the school district to help us pay for this new school and transportation. He started to really thrive and up until yesterday, had a great school year. I thought my prayers were finally answered. The school was wonderful, 4:1 student teacher ratio, highly trained staff, serene setting and protocol in place to help a kid leave the room to deal with a meltdown. He was thriving and catching up academically and they all loved him. Yesterday, he came home and told me that he had a massive meltdown in school and, from his description, he may be asked to leave the school. He had a few minor meltdowns in school this year but nothing like this and we are all devastated, especially John. The school usually communicates an issue right away but we have heard nothing from them. Considering that he tells me that hit his teachers and "broke a computer", which I am completely appalled by, I can guess that it is pretty bad now. I can't blame them.
He always feels remorse and great shame after losing his temper but he is overwhelmed now and says that he "doesn't even know how to help himself". This is what used to happen in the old school. I am at a loss. John is a sweet, bright, funny child. He has always been a tiny kid (not even on the growth chart due to being severely premature), but is recently starting to grow. He does not throw these tantrums to gain something, he just has so much trouble self regulating when he feels frustrated or overwhelmed. He is currently on 2 medications through a psychiatrist at the Center for Autism and the Developing Brain at New York Hospital Westchester and I will be speaking with her today.
Do you have any suggestions for a family in our situation?
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My 25yr old son has meltdowns somewhat regular basis. I never know until I hear him slam something, complain about environmental noise or neighbors he hasn't met! He's not paranoid but can be perceived that way because we don't understand why he would think everyone hates him or talking about him.
So today I showed him quote that said:
"Tell the negative committee meeting in your brain to shut up and sit down". He cracked up laughing.
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We see each other n he takes me out at least 2 to 3 times a month we are intimate he says he wants to be left alone . We have no communication when we are together he says he wants to enjoy his time with me not to talk about problems.
We own a restaurant together but for 33 years I never came here very rarely because when I would come with the kids he would get upset n nervous he said he needed to concentrate on the business
Years passed by n now my kids are men n they are all working here .
N now I decided to work here as well which makes him nervous I come here 5 times a week .
He comes here at 7 am sits on the front table n just looks st the walls or reads by himself! He spends all day in the restaurant just sitting down n talking to whoever customer starts conversation.
All his conversations are about food n restaurant.it all started when we where getting sued by the dishwashers for overtime. He would come home with headaches n was very mean n verbally abusive to me n my sons . Would tell him that he can talk to me but not to take it out on me that I understood the restaurant meant a lot to him but that all I really cared about was him that it was ok if we lost everything that we would just start all over n have each other . He kept on being verbally abusive n very quiet n cold he even hit my middle child that was 27 years old at the time .
So I told him crying one night when he was yelling at me n telling me there was nothing for me to smile about.( I was waiting up for him like I always did ) that he was like a devil that why was he torturing me when all I’ve done is love him to leave me alone and leave . He left a few weeks later . He has never told my kids he loves them . I use to get the live word out of him . I was so caught up bringing up the kids I didn’t realize what was going on I thought he was just being a good husband n father . Our sex life had always been amazing. Even now when we are together it’s amazing.
He says we don’t get along . I told him the argument were always because he would ignore me n though the restaurant was more important. And sometimes when we go out he has a way of talking to woman that seems like flirting but I don’t think he does it on purpose he would look at me like a little kid wounded when I would tell him he had been inappropriate n it was lack of respect towards me .the reason why I’m reaching out to you is because our biggest problem is lack of communication I know . But at the same time he blames me for everything n even says things that are not true n he swears by it . He has developed a paranoia towards me that he sometimes won’t even go near me . He is like a little scared child . He has episodes when he screams n one day in the car even was hitting his head on the side window n screaming his lungs out .
I want to help my husband Mark .
I really think he needs help for him to understand what’s going on with him . That it’s not my fault .
He doesn’t want to go to a doctor he is too proud .
But he tortures my kids in the restaurant he has no filter .
I try to go out with my friends n keep busy doing things I like but it’s very hard because my heart is not in any of it .
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