Do you need some assistance in parenting your Aspergers or HFA child? Click here to use Mark Hutten, M.A. as your personal parent coach.
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Dr.
Hutten, I just wanted to let you know there are very few places here in
WV that help with children that have Aspergers, and every time I see a
parent that are having the same struggles that we have with our
daughter, I tell them to look you up on Facebook and You Tube, you have
been so helpful to my family. Now, it seems that our biggest challenge
is the education system. Teachers here seem to have the , “don’t tell
me what to do, I am the teacher”. It makes everything so stressful. We
had to hire and advocate and had to fight for two years to finally
obtain her IEP. Emily is not in the 4th grade and we are fear of what middle school will be like for her.
Again, thanks for all the uplifting words and I am thankful I found your site. God bless you and keep up the amazing work!!!!
Joy
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I am overwhelmed with emotion as I began reading your ebook as the light has come on and for the first time in years of depression and resentment I feel hopeful. There is a reason for all of this and that is Aspergers. It all makes sense now. All of it fits together. I could use pointers on how to approach my Aspergers husband in suggesting he consider that he has this. He is very defensive and understandably now that I am seeing how I have not helped the situation.
I cannot thank you enough for this information as I seek to find what My role is.
Wendy
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Question:
Mark,
I just recently discovered your blog and email list. I wish I'd have done so years ago. Thank you!
My 10 year old Aspergers daughter is extremely high functioning in all academics, and we've made some great progress in social interaction, focus and self-control with medication and 1:1 counseling. We've not been able to make any progress whatsoever with the breadth of foods she's willing to eat. I believe it's contributed to her extremely underdeveloped physical size and overall health. She understands food and nutrition. However, other than grains, it is impossible to get her to eat anything but a handful of fruits, vegetables or proteins. We've tried a few strategies to bridge to new but similar foods without success. She can't tolerate any kind of spice. Is there anything you can advise us to try?
Thank you,
Matt
Answer:
Unless it causes a serious risk to health, I suggest putting this issue in the "pick-your-battles-carefully" category.
Some parents get upset when I say what I'm about to say to you: You have bigger fish to fry than worrying about whether or not your child eats enough fruit.
You want my advice? Don't fight this battle. You haven't won so far... so stop beating your head against a brick wall.
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Mark,
I found your website about parenting teens with aspergers.
I have a teen who possibly has Aspergers, but he is not my biggest problem.
I have recently realized that my husband may have Aspergers, and a much more severe case than my son. I don't see my husband considering the possibility, at least for a while, that he has it. He doesn't notice anything wrong with his rages etc.
Since I realized that, I have just stopped having any expectations of him, and decided to find my happiness elsewhere. And he has calmed down somewhat.
But I feel very sad about this. Is there any hope that we can have a "normal" "friendly" "kind" relationship? Do you have any resources to deal with it? In particular, he has locked away all our money in his accounts. I am left begging from him for food money every week, and cannot usually buy my children what they need. Do you have any advice?
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My beautiful partner of 2 years was recently diagnosed with Asperger’s, high functioning but very substantially Aspie. She and I are also Blind. I love her so much it hurts my soul to see her suffer when she goes under, when she is so obviously suffering so deeply. my ex-wife and I raised a beautiful son with Asperger’s who is now 19 and facing the world very successfully thus far. Even with the knowledge from that experience, I’ve come to understand that it is a different experience living with a woman with Asperger’s, living with an adult who has lived her whole life without realizing she is an Aspie, it seems so much harder.
The diagnosis has certainly helped us both understand better what happens to her. when she is not in crisis, she seems to be learning to see that she isn’t bad, that what she has believed about herself and her own worth to herself and those she loves has not been accurate through the course of her life. I believe we are both encouraged by this knowledge, but the meltdowns still raise their ugly heads too often and she simply withdraws from everything into a closed room and cannot talk to me at all, sometimes for days and days at a time. during her withdrawals, I try to communicate via text but her responses are so angry and hurtful, it rips at my heart to see it. during the withdrawals, the silent meltdowns, are terribly traumatic for me and I know it hurts her even more. The burden she takes on herself, the guilt she later feels for her own behavior during the meltdowns, behavior she seemingly cannot stop from doing, eats her alive and she becomes depressed and feels the only thing she can do to protect me and others she loves is to go away and live in isolation. I try to tell her I am here, that I’m not going away, and that she doesn’t have to face this alone.
I so want to be the support she needs, the lover she deserves in her life, the one she can find refuge in and who she can rely upon no matter what comes. I love her with my whole heart and soul and want to help her. I just don’t know what to do other than stay quiet and leave her to herself during these times. It is hard and lonely for us both, I know that, but I struggle to keep my spirit calm and at peace when she is suffering and quietly raging at me and the world. She has a life full of rough experiences behind her, a horrifying physical burn trauma as a little girl, victim of emotional abuse as a child, , a trail of rough relationships through her adult life, and now facing blindness (diagnosed with RP at age of 35), and now finding out that so much of what she is can be explained squarely by her Asperger’s. She is truly a beautiful human being when she is “with me” and she has brought me joy I never realized possible before she came into my life.
I want so much to keep her in my life and to be here for her in hers. I need answers, more answers.
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Hi, Mark. I have found you online. Our son Joseph has been diagnosed with Aspberger's Syndrome, is 8 going on 9 and his symptoms are on (what feels like) fast forward. It has all been "under control" until about three months ago when it began to go so fast. His anger is startling. His tantrums, his social/emotional struggles, etc. We are completely and totally lost. We've just been denied by a hospital in Orlando where we wished to seek psychological help in the form of counseling, etc for him. Apparently, they do not accept our insurance.
Mark, we are so lost and need direction. Where do we begin? Do we explain Aspberger's to him? How?
Forgive me for inundating you....do you provide online counseling services?
Any advice, direction and/or guidance would be GREATLY appreciated Mark.
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Hi Mark,
I understand , yes email is good as well.
I would like to know if your program will help me deal with my 18 year old son who was diagnosed with ADHD he was also diagnosed with Aspergers in elementary school by the school psychology team
My son is immature for his age and has a high IQ
The problem I have is that he is using marihuana on a daily basis, and had tried other drugs
He was kicked out of school because of bad behavior and now is going to school to take the GED which the school said he is ready to take the test because of his high scores. He has the mentality that he doesn't need to work or study all he wants to do is go out and smoke pot
How your program works and what kind of tools it will provide me to re direct my son to a path of independence and social skills and stop the entitlement mentality that I have to support him forever
P/s His doctor prescribed him adderall to be able to concentrate at school and it seems to be working fine
Thank you for your time and guidance
Alba
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Hi Mark,
I purchased your ebook on living with a partner that has Aspergers. It was excellent! Unfortunately, my husband also has addiction issues. It looks like we are headed for divorce because he is so stubborn, is "always right," and doesn't think his obsessive video-game playing and drinking nightly are a problem. He thinks I am the problem and I just need to "loosen up." Anyhow, it is tremendously difficult to find a therapist who truly understands what I am going though living with an Aspie partner. I was wondering if you do Skype phone therapy sessions? Please let me know either way. Thanks.
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I recently took my child to the marcus institute in Atlanta and was extreamly disappointed but before i go there here the back ground. If you dont have time i completely understand. I thought of you because i watch your youtube,anywho.
I have a 5 year old born at 35 weeks for the most part heathy nicu for a week for low sugar and feeding problems jaundice. With in the days bringing him home he had horible dig issues changing milks adding cearl and priolsac. But he did not like to be swaddled have his diaper changed or the lights to be on and riding in the car well lets just say my other kids whom were teenagers would have rather walked he cried and wailed. Riding is still intense sometimes but he has found a song (im a gummy bear) in which is the first thing he ask for and is usually on repeat from a to b. He took himself off the bottle at 8 months in which time he had learned to suck through a straw and would drink no other way but did use a passy untill 2 in which he also got rid of by himself. He has never cared to be held and will give hugs if he wonts but absolutely no kisses he will but till raw. At 2 he knew many shapes and was writing numbers he still loves shapes and drawing. While playing when he was young consisted of lining up cars spining wheels and such. He didnt wont to leave the house and some days are still a challange.
He would ask for toys like ninja turtles for them only to be put in a row but never played with. He does not play with toys at home they are untouched unless my grandson comes over. We finally got him to pee in the toilet at 4 and he still shows no desire for pooping it does not bother him that it should be the normal nor does it bother him if he wears it.
We put him in an early intervention program at 4 where he was suppose to go 3' a week but became so combative most days he would miss when he did go he stayed by him self and spoke few words if any. I should mention if stressed or some place new he will go completely mute and sometimes he will shut down completely and go to sleep.
We have put him back in the program he goes 5x a week and he is on 1/2 tes of prozac daily. He does much better does communicate with teacher and does "play" with a few freinds. He is extreamly rule bound at school and will not even play with kids whom do not. That being said teacher as well as ot because motor skills were behind and he is still behind on visual motor. States that he plays parallel to the other children and play on the play ground consists of running jumping or talking about video games or YouTube his obession. After picking him up from school he is off the walls most days jumping from furniture constant pacing coughing which was determined by ped to be a tic . The list is longer but u get the idea. He is a BIG time sensory seeker as in jumping hanging upside down he has no fear of getting hurt. Must watch him closely in parking lots as if something catches his eye he will dart and not look for cars especially if there is a puddle to jump in.
Untill this year he would not eat infront of others but does now teachers say well but when observing he is watching others and moving his feet. He is constantly tapping at home an opening and closing doors turning lights on and off.he eats things like pet food from fish to dogs (im told repeatedly this attion seeking even th he does it in secret) he licks salt shakers froozen food and if i dont watch him closly raw meat packages. He also licks and sniffs people . Hecwill steal airfreshners deoderant and such to sniff. I am told the problem is at home as they dont see as many issues as i do altho they do observe his tics like coughing adjusting his shirt and constantly toughing his nose.
Sometimes he seems deaf but i know he is not sometimes he does not answer to his name and i will have to remind him that someone has told him goodbye or to say hello.
He does well with small groups but can quickly be overwhelmed in large groups.
He doesnt show imagination for instance at christmas last year he got a shaving kit he told the giver he didnot wont that it was not real and remains untouched he is also very literal. The teachers were talking about dressing up for pic it took me 2 days to make him undetstand the diff between dress clothes and costumes. When he waz younger playing i got ur nose was a nono as he would go into fits thinking you had it. He uses alot of big words and profound statements such as he was with my 18. Year old and ask if mom was home the 18 year old playing stated i was his mother to his responce was well has the mother of this household arrived. And when ask why he doesnt play dress up he stated that he didnot care for fashion. He also didnt understand what on purpose ment but when reworded and used intentionally he understood. He speaks very loud and high pitched.
Marcus stated that alltho they see many asd traits but he had good eye Contact. When i ask about sensory seeking they said everybody does and i ask about licking and food i was told thats just weriod. Should i seek a second opinion and does the fact that he is so calm at school and so disruptive at home mean that im really a bad parent thanks so much
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Hi, i have a diagnosed teen with Aspergers and have had ABA training provided to me to help minimize meltdows and to help with compliance etc.. so it's going....well it's never perfect it's work but it's been better than before.
My question coincidentally goes along with your latest video. Is it worth getting a diagnose for an adult? We beleive my husband might be HFA. The dr. That diagnosed my son said he could do the evaluation. Im hesitant to do it because i know a big part of the evaluation is childhood development and my husband was raised by grandma and she is now very old to recall much of anything . On the other hand Mom is available but not much help since she didn't raise him or live with him and have a strange relationship, more like siblings. Like sometimes they hate each other and sometimes they need to talk to each other.
I know there were many struggles and difficulties and things that happened in his childhood...behavior wise, some kind of giftedness while contrasting with poor skills on other aspects, etc...
And I also have known him for 20 years now. Do you recommend going through with the evaluation? Being honest i am terrified of not getting a carrect diagnosis for the lack of childhood info and loosing all hope when dealing and coping in everyday life with him.
(Sometimes it's just very hard).
My other question is that i felt horrible after doing the evaluation for my son because i felt i had betrayed him by exposing all the problematic behaviors or difficulties. But this is my husband...i am afraid he will loose trust and will resent me.
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Hello there,
My boyfriend and I have been searching for help online via webinars, books, etc
His 21 year old son has Asperger's syndrome. He is very high functioning but we are struggling to make him find a job. From May until now, he's had 4 jobs that he's not been able to maintain. When his dad pressures him to do a job search, he throws a fit and makes up these wild stories of how he's from another dimension. Oddly enough, when dad backs off, he's fine and acts quite normal.
He does tend to sleep all day, stay up most of the night and binge eat on anything with sugar, especially chocolate.
We are both feeling like we've reached a dead end with him because he has no desire to work and has made it clear to dad. Any suggestions?
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Hi Mark,
My name is Bobbie and I've been married to an aspie for 15 years now. I'm at the end of my rope and want to leave, but my husband said he will do anything it takes at this point to make things work, even go get a diagnosis and some help with asperger's, which he has refused to acknowledge up until this point. My question is, do you know of anybody in the Southern California area who is an expert? We live in the Riverside area, which is kind of out in the sticks, but if you know of anybody out this way, that would be even better. We really need somebody who is very familiar with ASD in adults as my husband is very mild and his masks are really good. It's not until he gets home that he lets it all out. Nobody on the outside guesses that he's got these issues, he's that good at covering it. If he sees somebody who tells him that he's not an aspie, that'll pretty much be it for us. He'll cling to that and I'll be left thinking "Well then, he's just an asshole, I guess" ...but I know that's not it.
Anyways, I would so very appreciate any leads.
Thank you for your time. And yes, I bought your book! Thank you for taking this issue seriously! And when is your next NT/AS marriage seminar? I want to attend!
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Hello sir - I came across your biography and noticed you have some on-line support for parents.
I have a 18 year old daughter with Aspergers. She is very negative about life, and pretty much everything.
I try to talk to her to look at things more positive, and of course, she will have none of that. I have also suggested a counselor, which she thinks is "stupid and a waste of time".
We cannot even watch TV together without her finding something negative about the cast, or what they are doing. It's very frustrating to say the least. She is in a community college and has no friends at all, except the ones she has made on-line in gaming. She hasn't been able to find a part-time job and I do worry about when she does how long she will be able to hold onto it because of her negativity.
Do you have any suggestions, or can you help me locate the link to your support group etc. Thank you in advance.
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My son is 32 years old and I have just accepted the fact that he has aspergers syndrome and ODD syndrome. I have always been aware of a difference.
Is there anyway I can help my son now? He is struggling with life and the way I have been working with him does not help.
He says he feels like he is about 25 yrs old. He has always been delayed in development.
I would like a book or a resource so I can help my son, and if you have a local to my area person to help, I would appreciate it. He has been through lots of trauma, at times I think we have seen progress, then I think not.
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Hi Mr.Hutten,
I have not seen my particular problem on the website nor have I found it in any research Ive done.
I have a beautiful 14 yr. old daughter that is diagnosed as having Aspergers and is a very HFA child.
When my daughter was in elementary school she was a straight A, Honor Roll student. Then Junior High happened. Which also coincided with AZ law changing as far as Custody. Since my daughter was 5 yrs old I had Sole Custody, and in 2012 the state changed the law as to the Presumed best Interests of the Child was Joint custody.
That is when my daughter's symptoms worsened, she became an F student, had anxiety and depression melt downs were of epic proportions. With the law change came extra visitation with the mother. My daughter would have meltdowns either before or after (sometimes both) a visitation with her mother. There was also extra summer vacation time ordered, and life became Hell here. I understood what was going on,but both the mother and the Court felt I was just trying to control my daughter's life and alienate her from the mother.
I'll fast forward to this year the mother has always held that my daughter was just being a teenager and there was nothing wrong with her. Now the diagnosis is confirmed and both she and the Court have to accept it.
Last July after an evaluation by a Psychiatrist,the mother was going to pick up my daughter for another week of summer vacation. This time my daughter refused to go. She said she was tired of being ignored, and just doing things that her mother wanted to do,which I agree with my daughter those things hold no appeal for most any child.My daughter was often left alone while her mother worked or passed off to the mother's partner or another family member.When her mother came home from work my daughter was still ignored and left to entertain herself, video games, a laptop, you tube etc. No quality time with her mother,her mother would spend time with her partner as opposed to being with my daughter.The mother and partner would eat in the living room and make my daughter eat by herself in the dining room there was very little interaction. The partner assumed a parental role, which upset my daughter a great deal, especially when her mother didnt assume that role.
When my daughter refused to go to her mother's her mother threatened her with calling the police, then turned to me and threatened to call the police on me as well if I didnt make her go.
The mother showed up at pick up time and my daughter refused, and she was then threatened with the police again. The mother called me and was told that I wasnt going to force my daughter to go. The police were called and they couldnt do anything. The mother left in a huff.
Since July my daughter has seen her mother twice for an hour each time and has taken very few phone calls from her mother.
Her grades are up she is almost a straight A student again, she is bright and cheerful, meltdowns are very rare. She is a joy to be around. Her personal hygiene is back up there, she is taking care of herself like she did before.
I feel that being away from her mother has been a blessing, as my daughter is afraid of the mother and partner and hates the partner as well. Last June over a video game being played when my daughter couldnt sleep,( she suffers from insomnia off and on, and does take Melantonin for it) her mother attacked her because she felt my daughter should be sleeping, she hit my daughter and called her a freak.This contributed to my daughter not wanting to be forced to see her mother in July.
The Psychiatrist feels that my daughter should not be forced to see anyone that she doesnt want to, I cant get him to commit to that on paper however. The school psychologist agrees.
I believe the mother to have NPD. I read on your website that they target Aspies. Anyway Id like some advice as to what to do about this problem. I understand parental rights, I understand the law although I dont agree with it. The Court is trying a readjustment period between the two of them. It isnt going well for my daughter so far, she is basically doing it so I dont get in trouble with the court. I tell her to follow her heart. The mother blames me for my daughter's problems.
Please dont think Im using my diagnosis of the mother as having NPD as a crutch,Id much rather say a few expletives along with her being manipulative,conniving and a blameless liar, but she is hurting my little girl. Ive always felt that the mother does not want my daughter,but she doesnt want me to have her. My daughter is my world. I want to help her as best I can.
It is quite evident that by not being around the mother that my daughter is having a vast improvement and she is doing it on her own she has a will to be successful now.
For a while I had a significant other, she made a profound difference in my daughter's life,but sadly we had some issues and we broke up, Id like to get her back into our lives. My daughter has often said that "my girlfriend had done more for her in a few days than her mother has done her entire life for her. Sadly that is true.
I dont know what to do, Id gladly continue on with her not seeing her mother, but I could be at risk for jail time for being in contempt of court and if that happens she will have to live with her mother, which she doesnt want in the least. I also worry that my daughter would go overboard with her mother as far as self defense. Since an early age Ive taught her to defend herself and that she isnt anyone's punching bag. All the years of pent up anger and emotions could come out at that point. I dont want my daughter jailed or in any fashion of trouble, she is very law abiding and observes the golden rule. She is a good person. Another attack by the mother could be the straw that broke the camel's back. My daughter doesnt deserve that.
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I cried a bit reading your e-book as one of the most reassuring things is just seeing one's experience mirrored in someone else's story. It helps to take all the sting out of it. It's not me. It's not even him. it's just Aspie.
I am wavering between seeing him as a partly alien helpless being, not responsible for his meltdowns and tantrums, his incapableness at earning money, his rigid timetabling anyway, and his financial controlingness, to thinking he is capable of more.
I'm so unsure. Can he change himself significantly, it he'd want to, Or is it all up to me to prevent the conditions that lead to meltdowns, to cope within his limitations etc, to guide him step by step through every detail?
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Mark, can you please talk to the issue of educators who are clueless about Aspergers (but, infuriatingly, claim to be knowledgeable) and so again and again mischaracterize classic Asperger traits -- especially high anxiety -- as opposition and defiance. Worse, they then disqualify children for the categorization of ASD on an IEP. Or as the ESE head said in a recent meeting as she held the list of my son's diagnoses submitted by his doctor(s), "Doctors can give many diagnosis, but WE are the education experts." I said I didn't believe you could be an expert when you ignored the science of a child. An IEP should follow a diagnosis! How you approach a child with neurological high anxiety is, or should be, different than a child who is behaviorally/emotionally defiant. Please speak to this...I have just had to pull my son from school because this mischaracterization was having such a devastating impact on him.
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Hello, I am writing from the UK on behalf of my daughter & son-in-law. They have an 11yr old son with Aspergers & are currently having great difficulty & sadness.
Josh went from main stream education to special needs 3 years ago. His new schooling suited him & all went smoothly for some time. However his behaviour deteriorated about 1 year ago. He started secondary school this September, as is customary here, & sadly his behaviour is still cause for concern. One problem seems to be in the making & keeping of friends, & the disappointment when relationships go wrong. His response is to lash out & be disruptive in class.
His parents have devised two rewards systems. One is directly related to his school day, & good behaviour is rewarded with a merit card which entitles him to play electronic games etc in the evening. This seems to work well. The other system is more about his behaviour at home though feedback from school is also taken into consideration. They have a traffic light system, whereby he has to get 4 green lights per week for a reward at the weekend. The reward might be a trip to the cinema, a new DVD, fishing, bowling etc. He does seem to be motivated by this, yet the bad behaviour continues & this has become a serious issue with the school.
My query is this ......is it advisable to incorporate the school day into the traffic light system? Sometimes, after a bad day at school, he will calm down & apologise, with the family enjoying a pleasant evening. Is it fair then for him to be punished for whatever happened at school, bearing in mind that his parents may not get a totally accurate account? Conversely, his bad behaviour does often continue into the evening. He has frequent meltdowns over which I presume he has no control.
Our dilemma is that we do not want to give him the wrong message. If he knows that the consequence of undesirable behaviour at school will only result in a loss of computer playing time, & not affect his weekly reward, he may be less motivated & take advantage. There are fewer pressures at home than school, & we want to do all we can to encourage him in a safe & happy environment.
On the other hand, his parents are understandably reluctant to give him a green light, when a school day has been particularly bad, even if he has tried to redeem himself at home. And if he thinks all is already lost, we don't want him to lose the motivation to try & turn things round after a bad day at school. We are also concerned about damaging his self esteem if he is so frequently in the bad books of his parents & teachers & is repeatedly suffering the consequences (eg cancelled outings)
Should the slate be wiped clean at the end of a bad school day, with an opportunity for a fresh start, regardless of how awful the behaviour might have been? How do we send the right message?
In between the meltdowns my grandson is a charming young man who is great company. We so desperately want to help him in the best way possible & look forward to your reply.
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Hello Mark,
My husband and I need your advice on how to talk to our 14 yr old son.
He already knows that he is different from his peers, but we don't want to necessarily put a label on him.
Is it better to explain that everyone has challenges and aspects of their personality to work on? He is well adjusted, likes sports, music, gets good grades, etc. He is very shy, awkward and we're not sure how this news will be taken.
We appreciate your opinion on this. Thank you so much!
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Thank you Mark,
These concepts are working already - in me. It really resonated with me on the topic of why I have any authority in my 32 year old sons life now. Because he is not acting like an adult. Last week it was freeing to me to actually accept the fact (that I had known a long time) that my son has Aspergers Syndrome and ODD syndrome.
I feel intense freedom this week knowing that I can make a difference in my son now. Who knows what the outcome will be. It will be hard for me to be consistent. But I feel that I have the support and the resources to follow up on now. It's like I feel like I have permission to follow through with what I know is right and not to be controlled by the situation.
I had heard these concepts, I believe from you, years ago. But I just got confused and didn't follow through. I remember a time at a Christian Fair in Spokane and going by a booth with information like yours. Maybe it was you, I don't remember. But whoever it was had picked up that we had major problems in our family with another son who is not autistic. I was feeling helpless but It made a real impact that someone would care enough to offer to help. It was refused as we just walked by, but I felt a heart tug that I wanted to do something to help my kids. They were teens at the time, going through really tough times.
I am praying that I can be consistent and not fall away. It's just my autistic, high functioning son and me now.
All this to say thanks for helping me start again. I am having a rough beginning but I am seeing instant hope and relief in my son's response. I am emphasizing the child versus adult reactions and actions, and that he has the whole responsibility of that choice. I am staying calm and not letting him pull me a different direction. But it's only been one day! LOL! :)
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Hello,
I am looking for feedback but didn't want to post publicly on Facebook.
My 8 year old daughter was diagnosed at age 5 with high functioning Autism/ Aspergers.
She is also now seeing a rheumatologist for Hypermobility syndrome. In researching the Hypermobility Syndrome, it can be a result of a connective tissue disorder, which may also effect the gut creating GI issues, which we have also sought help for at age 2.
Given the association of Autism with " leaky gut" issues... I am wondering about the correlation in Autism Spectrum disorders and Connective Tissue Disorders.
I strongly suspect my spouse (daughters father) to have Aspergers as well. He also suffers and has long family history of Autoimmune conditions, which now, after years of harmful medication, has resulted in Multiple Myeloma an incurable cancer.
I strongly feel as though the Aspergers may truly be correlated to the " leaky gut" ( connective tissue disorder) as so many on the spectrum have rheumatologic conditions as well. I'm hoping you could poll the group for Autoimmune disorders , GI disorders, etc...
Hoping to make headway in treatment so that 40+ years from now, my daughter isn't diagnosed with life threatening illness as well. Another contributing factor in play could be a lifelong struggle with anxiety & stress hormones also shown to play a factor in cancers and heart disease.
Just imagine, if we can find the source of the issues, how many lives could potentially benefit!!
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hi Mark
thank you for the email. I've been reading
the pdf on the commute and have gained many valuable insights into how
to communicate with my wife Amy who has Aspergers. One thing I am
struggling with however is her outbreaks of jealousy, to the extent that
after opening the side gate for our new (female) neighbour on Sunday
and then talking to her (mostly about car parking spaces) for about 1-2
minutes, once back in our flat she shouted at me never to speak to her
again. She got more upset when I advised she speak to her counsellor
about her jealousy and has yet to apologise or accept that her actions
were inappropriate. This is a repeating pattern and I have been feeling
angry, frustrated and depressed over this the last couple of days, which
have caused a further deterioration in our relationship. Is this a
typical Asperger female trait and how best to handle this?
I appreciate you must deal with a large body of correspondence daily but any advice would be greatly appreciated
Best Regards
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But I have spend time and money on other “proven”
books and cds not to mention multiple therapists, workbooks, blah blah.
Starting when my son was 4. And my son is now 12. And despite having
above average intelligence, a creative problem
solving mind, and a well hidden tender heart, a desire for social
success - his oppositional behavior has landed in him single room
special education setting because it the only way they can manage him at
our public school. My other children are wary of his
unpredictable behavior. I get calls and emails from school weekly –
even in that accommodating and enclosed environment, he cannot stay out
of trouble. He is horridly rude to my babysitter – and repeats the same
silly offenses over and over, despite consistently
applied consequences – because he wants to do what he wants to do – he
is 12 and stills throws tantrums! He is a type 1 diabetic and not
always mature about managing that..
BUT….. he can be the best helper, most responsible
oldest child, and even secretly a kind and sweet son to me…..he is a
great athlete and team member, and loves loves his friends…When he is
feeling kind, he is the best brother and friends
and neighbors LOVE him, telling us he is the most helpful, polite and
respectful kid they have ever met – i.e. HE CAN BEHAVE!!! He
can be a good fellow human - He simply chooses not to most of the time – and I do not know what to do.
I am tempted to just pull the trigger and order
your book – what’s another $29 after the thousands already spent… but I
just don’t know if I have it in my to believe – and to spend even more
money on someone who maybe isn’t (?) capable
of changing…. Can you give me a little confidence booster to help this
worn out mom of 5 who’s oldest son is wonderfully horribly terribly
amazingly exhausting…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark,
Is
it true Asperger's don't lie? I bought your online book "Living with an
Asperger's Partner". What I can't cope with is the disappearing act.
Currently we are not living together and my boyfriend disappears for
days at a time with no text response. Once I stopped by his place and he
was enraged and offended I stopped by. I've never caught him in a lie
or cheating, but I'm wondering if I'm being naive or taken advantage of.
We have been together a year and a half.
He
suggested he would commit to see me once during the weekend and once
every weekend. This was his solution since I threatened to leave him a
few weeks ago. I have not heard from him since Wednesday....so he broke
this promise and is AWOL.
Any suggestions? Comments?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi there,
Hope you’re well and having a good week.
My name is Helen and I just wanted to reach out to say how helpful your site www.myaspergerschild.com
has been. Earlier I was just looking around for some educational
resources for my daughter who is home-schooled and getting ready for her
exams soon and then I came across your site and it really helped me and my daughter out!
I have already recommended your site to a few others as well.
Since
my daughter took up home-schooling because of her disability, she has
progressed incredibly quickly and I just feel home-schooling needs to be
promoted more as an option.
I would love to know your thoughts
Also
if this is not the correct email address to send this to, can you
please let me know or forward this message on to the correct person.
Looking forward to your response and thank you once again.
Kind regards,
Helen
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Howdy,
Hope your day is going well. My husband and I
spent two weeks on week one and now we are moving through. My son had
wellbutrin added to his mixture of meds about
3.5 weeks ago and it really seems to be helping him.
Your
program has been very helpful in structuring us and our response…and to
some extent keep things from escalating as much as usual….the new drug
and the new program came at a perfect time.
Question….He has been on a 24 hour restriction. His escalations after imposition of the restriction (5pm yesterday) have been—
Threatening…”you’ll be sorry”
Silent treatment
Refused to do yesterday’s chore
Refused evening meds (trazadone) for sleep
Refused to go to bed
Wandered house all night
Refused dinner
Refused to help with feeding and letting dogs out
Turned radio off in car while I was driving
Put feet on dashboard
You would have been proud of my poker face…my husband is out of town so it was just me. Sigh.
So..my
question is…that sure seems like a lot to pile on with the Next time
you are placed on restriction if any of these things happen it will be
extended talk.
What do you suggest?
I’ve
told him he is off restriction after he looks at a program I want to
use with him for phonics & a short conversation requesting his
consideration to accept help and direction. His refusal to do those two
things is what got him on 24 hour restriction. He asked not to go to
tutoring but once a week, and the tutor okayed it if I would work with
him at home. He outright refused to even consider the program I wanted
to use without looking at it. He also refused a conversation about how
he is limiting his options significantly if he refuses help and insists
he knows everything. I just want to get the words out…no more than 2-3
minutes.
No death threats this time:) Yay!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark,
I wrote her Primary Care Doctor a letter. I requested genetic testing. I
asked via the nurse and office and she said she doesnt know how to read
or order the tests! Yes she has not been a doctor for a year. But she
is the only one who has seen my daughter act ODD. And believes me.
Any one that sees my child thinks (at first) there is nothing wrong.
I applied for the Autism Waiver.
I applied for ABA.
I am getting help.
If the doctor will not order genetic testing (which I feel is my only
hope of proving she has something very off).... I will have to get a new
doctor.
Whatever it is she has. It looks like Intelligence and OCD, anxiety.
Quirks and all. The hitting me and not caring is my biggest concern. The
self harming, when she is angry is also scary for me to watch.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Do you happen to know any life coaches in Dallas, TX? I have a 20 year old son with Aspergers, He has completed 3 semesters in college, and we have had to withdraw him from 2 semesters. He is ready to get out of Texas yesterday, but has no money or a job, and his adrenals are shot from stress. Valium keeps getting prescribed - he is always tired, and not sleeping. Not sure how to help him at this point.
Any guidance would be appreciated.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Your program sounds really
promising, but what is out there for a single mother with 2 daughters
that has had the oldest one (now 15 yrs old) run our lives into misery
and cant afford to pay for help? STUCK! The O.D.D. she has makes or
causes or whatever her not to take medicine so I cant even get
professional help because without her taking the meds they wont even
'waste their time', 'nothing they can do'. So I stay alone again Totally
no friends, family, professional help or funds to pay for help. Any
suggestions were there is free help? Thank you for your time, k.c.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good Afternoon,
I am a research assistant for LaVae Hoffman, an associate professor of speech language pathology at the University of Virginia. Dr. Hoffman is seeking input from parents of students who have language impairments. I would like to invite parents who read your site to share their thoughts through Dr. Hoffman's online survey. This survey is being conducted by the approval of the University of Virginia's Institutional Review Board.
Dr.Hoffman hopes to use parent's thoughts and opinions to guide the development of materials and services to support the academic success of students with language impairments.
May you post an invitation to parents on your FB page and website?
Thank you for considering my request,
Aubree Surrency
LaVae Hoffman, Ph.D.CCC-SLP
PS. In case you would like to look at the survey before making a decision, this is the link :https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/8JXFJHB
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear sir,
Thank you for your post on the blog and
youtube. They are very encouraging and helpful. Our son was diagnosed
with high functioning Autism some three years ago. Things did not turn
out as good. This was supposed to be a start of a new chapter since we
knew what we were dealing with but it was like a ticket to hell as far
as his schooling was concerned. The first thing that happened when we
informed the school of the diagnosis was to cancel his place for the
following academic year. The school even tried to contact his doctor to
change his IQ mark so that he could fit in special school stream.
Unfortunately registering a child with autism here is such a big
challenge because they believe that these children belong to special
school. We of course had to register him in a school without first
informing them that he has aspergers but informed them when he started
school. We had no choice because he has high IQ and every school we
tried to register him the minute we mentioned autism we were dismissed
immediately and informed that they have no space the classes are full.
One thing I can tell you is as soon as they learnt he has autism the
game changed and they immediately informed us that he cannot continue in
that school. It has been a real battle to have him in that school and
now he has one more year before he goes to secondary school. Now the
new thing we are told is - he will never make it in because he has
autism. The teachers do not want to give him a chance and they say he
is not the only child in class. He works very well in class but he is
not as fast because he believes in working neatly. He panics exams time
and of course brain goes blank. He gets full load work like all other
children and gets no class help but the fact that there is that
diagnoses he is not very welcome in that school. We have nothing
against the special schools here but the special schools admit children
with low IQ.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have 5 children 14, nearly 13, 11, 8 and nearly 6.
I’m happily married with a devoted husband and father.
My
older boy turned 14 in June this year and has created havoc for the
past 2 years experimenting and challenging the boundaries. Financially,
we have suffered as we have been trying to reign him in. He has is on
the police radar – not yet charged as too young but heading down a very
dangerous path.
His
enrolment was terminated at private college and I have arranged the
reconnect support group to help him but he is still quite rude, arrogant
and belligerent to me. Sadly, he has a very high IQ and heaps of
potential. He didn’t do sports for 5 years as did not want to but now
he is interesting in boxing. I’m trying to encourage a team sport –
soccer/basketball. Etc..
He will not arrive at school on time so I am forced to drive and pick him up every day as he is under conditional enrolment.
Now
my other children are acting out and showing all sorts of issue. We
are currently in family therapy with the older ones because of the
younger ones and then they will be brought into the sessions later.
Where
to from here? It is a very slow process with the teenager and I realise
that reconnect have to build a rapport but it is difficult.
Any advice, suggestions would be great.
I
am looking at options of boarding school. Sadly, my husband is looking
at moving from the suburb and moving more remote as that is where his
work is more situated. Also looking at other schools around the remote
area. It’s about 45 min away from where we are now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark,
My name is Cynthia and I’m a school social worker at Eastridge High School (grades 9-12) in upstate New York.
In June 2016 at least five of my senior students, some with Autism,
will graduate and either move into post-high school transition programs, college or remain in our building as 12+ seniors.
As we prepare our students in school about transitioning from
Eastridge, I would like to know if you provide webinars aimed towards
parents, school staff, service coordinators and students?
Thanks in advance for your attention to this email.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark,
In
my situation things were great in the beginning of our relationship and
now instead of it increasing for better, it seems it went reverse and
now like I am with an amature teenager. He was ontop of his game so well
in the beginning in our courtship and now being married he went to he
doesn't know what do to in the bedroom, I am confused as to what
happened to him? where did that steamy hot man go. Not sure what to do, I bring it up to him and
he says me "complaining" puts him off.
And what equates to them loosing interest? is it because they grow bored of their partner. I asked him directly if he is bored of me and he says NO, he says if he was he would tell me. He has said that he loves me for other things and just not that. I read the book love languages and my love language is "physical touch" he knows that, I express to him how important intimacy is to me. His libido is really down and has been taking ciales. He says he has anxiety that he feels he is not in control of his erection and that is why he is having a hard time maintaining one during. He was a lot more aroused when we first dated but has been taking pills since we got married and won't even bother trying slowly without the pills.
His special interests are movies (mine too), watching different TV series shows (which are mine too), computers, reading about fitness-weight training, nutrition, and of course working out at the gym-which this works great for me since I am also a person who loves to work out a lot too, I join him at the gym on the weekends even when we don't workout together, few times we do. I share this interest with him a lot because it's important to the both of us but his interest is a lot more deeper. I can skip the gym if I need to but he must "get it in". But he exhausts himself working out that he is constantly tired especially towards the end of the day and sex that day especially if it's "leg day" is off the table. He is always tired and i think because too he exhausts his mind with every thing he reads and "focuses" so our "time alone" suffers.
He used to watch porn at the beginning of the relationship and all of a sudden stopped. He said he wasn't interested looking at that stuff anymore... I do remember early on in our relationship he was kinda quinkey but nothing way out there for me, he was aggressive but in a good way and in control and that would turn me on like crazy and he would let me be in control too. It lasted for about 1-2 years, then when we decided to get married he wanted to wait until we got married, I think because he was already experiencing libido problems so since we got married last November i thought we were going to just pick up from where we left off but no, it has been a challenge..... About a 3some for some reason I think it would be something he would NOT be open at all even if it was a female, I jokingly suggested that since I was just frustrated one time and he said I was crazy and in no way would he want that that it would create problems and he views that as cheating. I even suggested for us to have an open relationship and I don't have to bother him with sex and of course he felt offended by it and got very angry.
I am not sure if its his anxiety of his libido problems that causes him to push aside our sex life, but he does bring up to me to get the ciales pills from my doctor because he says he needs them, so is that a good sign? That he is willing to at least take pills for us to maintain a sex life? I am very much afraid that it will get worse. We are down to 4-5 times a month, I think this is abnormal since I think 3-4 times a week is more like average for me for our age and being recently married. I keep up with my personal appearance and so does he, we are relatively healthy so I don't see why not and he thinks I am obsessed with sex, but as you know its not about the sex, its about the intimacy in it where I want to feel very connected and close with him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
my 11 year old daughter, diagnosed with Asperger's when aged 4, is
proving really difficult to get up in the mornings in order to leave for
school on time. She is in a very deep sleep when I wake her
6.15am (she is getting enough sleep as most nights is asleep at
9pm)
and then it is a battle to get her do each step towards getting ready
for school from dressing, to breakfast, hair brushing and teeth cleaning
in time to leave for the bus with her younger sister. She is very angry
with me for making her get ready for school and is convinced she will
not miss the bus if she does everything in her own time but if left
unattended she would just go back to bed so I have to nag her at every
stage and I just feel awful - like the enemy! This morning she kicked me
hard in the shin when I was telling her to hurry up - she has
absolutely no sense of urgency and cannot do anything quickly which is
why I give her a whole hour to get ready. She has to leave for the bus
at 7.15. Most days she gets there in the end but it is just exhausting
and very upsetting for the whole family. I then have to get her youngest
two siblings off to school and myself to work. I have a good
relationship with the school and the SENCO and dont think anything is
going particularly badly at school for her - she just doesnt want to go
and is very fatigued. What do you suggest we do to help her and to make
the mornings less traumatic and to improve the situation for the whole
family.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mr. Hutten,
I am writing you today looking for some help in
dealing with my son , Michael , who is 25 years old and was diagnosed
with Aspergers in the Spring of 2012. Michael has had many issues
throughout his life, but not any that we didn't feel we could deal
with. He was always a great student, but always socially awkward. He
didn't really care to have friends or even meet people. He is very
athletically talented but never fit in with the team concept.( he played
both baseball and hockey) He recently finished his Masters Degree.
You might wonder, what is the problem? Well, the issue is, just about a
year ago when he was 24 he was arrested for disseminating indecent
material to a minor( 15 year old). He is charged with a felony and the
possibility of having to register as a sex offender. We live in New
York State. We are now on our second lawyer, as our first felt that the
Aspergers diagnosis had no bearing whatsoever on his behavior. We are
currently seeing a counselor who really has no idea either on how to
reach Michael. My question to you , do you think you can help us in
terms of coaching Michael for his future endeavors and more immediate
concern is, do you believe his Aspergers is a mitigating factor in his
actions? I would appreciate any guidance you may afford me in this
matter. Thank you very much,
Dianne
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi,
My daughter has not been diagnosed with Aspergers, however I have been
told on several occasions that she could be borderline. I have never
been to a medical doctor to get a diagnosis. She is now 9yo and while we
used to get major meltdowns on a nearly daily basis, these days they
are much less frequent and last a much shorter amount of time. I have
tried many, many things doing that time and they finally seem to be
working.
What I am asking is, that now we seem to be past the regular meltdowns,
do you think the OPS and book would still be helpful? We of course have
ongoing issues around behaviour, as I think most parents do but the
daily hell we lived in has past. If it was only a year or two ago, I
would have immediately signed up, now though, I am wondering if it is
still relevant.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good afternoon,
I just read
your post, Lying or Wishful Thinking: Which One Is Your Aspie Doing?,
and this is my 9 year old son to a T. My question is How can we teach
him to stop or know the consequences that come from his lying? Recently
my son has been making up horrible stories and telling his teacher at
school, who has to report them and now DCF is involved and I am very
concerned about the repercussions his lying is having. He had told his
teacher that on one day that he was at his brother and sister-in-law's
house that they had left him to care for his 4 year old nephew all by
himself (said they were in their room sleeping), that he had to take
care of him and feed him and change his diaper all day long. First off I
had been texting with my daughter-in-law literally all day so I know
she wasn't asleep. His attendant care worker had picked him up from the
house at 930am and didn't return him until close to 1pm.
Then I was there at 4 to pick him up. He doesn't cook anything by
himself, plus my grandson hasn't worn diapers in 5 months. He has since
admitted that he knows those things weren't true but he doesn't
understand what could have happened to my other son, daughter-in-law and
grandson if the state had really believed him.
A
note about my 9 year old son - along with being diagnosed with
Aspergers, he is also diagnosed with Bipolar and ADHD. So he has a
whole lot going on inside his head that I know he doesn't completely
understand. I am trying to get him help in every aspect. I got the
school system to place him in a special (PBS - Positive Behavior System)
class setting, he gets a lot of help from the Mental Health Association
(attendant care worker, case manager, peer group). But here in Wichita
they don't have a whole lot of any type of help for me.
Is there anything you could possibly advise?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark,
I would so value the opportunity to chat with you about so many things and I’d
love you to be a guest on a free interview series I’m hosting this coming
spring called The student triumph summit: how to get your best grades and be a
top student.
I am a British academic and passionate about supporting students to improve
their performance, especially in essay writing.
Also I have a very strong desire to bring this information to
disadvantaged youngsters who would really benefit from it. I am a great believer in student directed learning and Einstein’s
observation that all children are born geniuses.
I think you’d be an amazing fit for this, since you’re a shining example of how
you can be authentically yourself, share a message you’re passionate about, and
make a difference in the world. I think
your story would be so inspiring to our listeners and, as a beacon in the
industry, I would be honoured to have you join us!
Would you be interested in participating?
Please say you will.
Warmly,
Dionne Johnson
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark,
I've
tried to give you as much information about my son as concisely as
possible. I've also attached a timeline to this email to make it even
easier for you. I hope it helps.
·
My
son, Andrew, will turn 17 in about 2 months, on February 1, 2016.
·
He was diagnosed with CAPD in grade 2
·
retested
in grade 7 and determined he was only boderline CAPD.
·
Since
he was still struggling in school (esp. Math) I had him tested for ADHD and
they said he had it.
·
He
started taking 18 mg of Concerta daily in grade 8 and the results were amazing.
·
Around
grade 9 he became increasingly contentious, started missing youth group because
he didn’t like anyone there, getting in fights and chose friends who used
marijuana.
·
I reacted to that by making youth group mandatory,
explaining to him youth group activities were better than running around the
mall or hanging out in the park smoking weed.
·
Immediately,
Andrew called his father and my ex-husband encouraged him to move in with him
and his wife to escape from my unreasonable demands.
·
Stops
taking ADHD meds
·
Father
starts smoking weed with him on a regular basis and encourages his friendship
with troubled teens.
·
Skipping
school becomes a regular practice
·
Caught
in the act of breaking and entering with an older teen and sentenced to
community service and 5 sessions with a counselor.
·
Withdraws
from almost all friends and changes from being an extrovert to introvert.
·
Switched
schools in grade 11 hoping to make new friends to no avail
·
He
decides he just doesn’t like people anymore
·
Father
and step-mother’s arguments are frequent and sometimes end up with police coming
to the house.
·
Last
summer Andrew and his dad couch-surfed at relatives but returned back to
step-mother’s home when school started.
·
I
helped him to apply for welfare so he could get out of that toxic environment
(he still refused to live with me despite my willingness to lift the youth
group rule).
·
He
was placed in a residence for young men until an apartment became available in
a government funded program to help youth in crisis.
·
After
one month he was asked to leave because he was skipping school, not doing allotted
chores daily, not participating in life skills program.
·
Now
he’s moved back in with me for about 2 months, until they give him an
apartment.
·
He
seems to be trying to provoke arguments with me.
·
Denies
having any feelings whatsoever.
·
Contradicts
himself about whether or not he needs to go to school
·
Complains
of headaches, stomach upset and sore throats often which leads to missing more
school.
·
Refuses
to
participate in problem-solving discussions and won't ask directly for
anything, instead he insinuates what he wants in text messages and
expects me to understand him.
- blames me for everything.
·
He
refuses counseling and I’m not sure if medication is the answer
I
think he may be depressed but not suicidal as well as ODD. I would appreciate
any advice you can offer me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark,
Things are deteriorating fast and we have hit a brick wall with our son...
* His OCD psychologist who is 600 km away has said that there is nothing she can now do because he doesn’t want treatment
* He no longer takes any medication and has become quite hyper focus and just screams at us all the time
The
psychiatrist is at a loss at what to put him on as he gets sick on a
lot of meds - there is one but he is refusing because he doesn’t like
the way it makes him feel.
*We have stopped doing most things and now he is buying canned food to eat as he won’t prepare any food due to contamination
*We have only been able to access 2 hours of assistance from a worker who has to take him out to get him out of the house
*We are still washing his clothes and cook him dinner… that is about it
We did say we would stop washing his clothes and he aid that he would go naked! - Remembering that his OCD surrounds soap
*we
have had a meeting with the disability support people who say his case
is terrible but there is no money so therefore no assistance at present
*We
have a work assessment in a few days with the government - he does get
$800 in disability payment - it is paid to us - he can sign that over to
himself and then we are in trouble!
Have called the police when he is abusive and they are not interested unless there is a gun at our head!
He won’t leave and have no friends or contact with anyone else apart from his internet games “ friends"
Have no idea what to do - he is just deteriorating daily… He says he is never leaving home!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I
have a young man that he is working with, but he is not familiar with
organizational skills. I have been reading online about some techniques,
usually from SLPs. I always end up as the "tutor",
and
frankly my son wants me to just be Mom. Alabama has cut back their
tutoring supports for students with disabilities in college, as the
state is bankrupt. I always end up providing the supports,
but I am tired! I am very encouraged by your website.
Thank
you for your support online. I actually had a previous counsellor
refuse working with my son again, as she said he was "done" with her!
She did not feel he could benefit from CBT. Sigh.
He
does have a counsellor from his high school days but she does not write
down her directions, so they are lost due to poor working memory. My
son does not accept that he has Aspergers,
since in Alabama "Aspergers" means "retarded". Autism means "very retarded". He accepts OCD and anxiety as his diagnoses.
I
currently work as a special needs Sunday school teacher. I have a boy
with autism, ODD, ADHD, and OCD. He is 10 and is waiting to get on with a
psychiatrist. He is not on meds. I told her
about
your website. Huntsville, AL is overflowing with ASD, due to the
concentration of "science types". You should market here! There is such a
need.
Thank you!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our son has been doing really well since adding Wellbutrin to the mix about 5 weeks ago or so.
He had a sleep over with friends at our house Friday night and the good trend was continuing…he cleaned the house Thursday evening to get ready for his friends.
Saturday,
I asked him to do his daily 15 minutes of phonics work with me (after
his friends had gone) before he watched tv. I got a lot of
lip..encouraged him to take
a walk to cool off which he
refused. Since he choose not to do phonics with me he choose the
consequence of loosing screen time for the rest of the day. That night
he
refused to take his medication and that was something that we had
discussed before coming out of the deal with it later file…that if
during a consequence he refused to take his medication that the
consequence would be increased to include loss of his phone and being
grounded. He did decide several hours later to take his meds. (should
that have removed the additional consequence that was added hours before
when he refused??).
At any rate…Sunday morning he refused to get up and go to church with us. He called while we were on our way home from church and asked to
work to have his 24 hour phone consequence removed. I said no. When we came home he was gone. He returned home at 3:30
and protested that he had not been grounded, but the phone was his only
consequence. I asked him to mow the lawn ( his weekend chore that he
put off until Sunday).
His response was “hell no” followed by lots of F words. We said that
he had now earned a 48 hour grounding and removal of privileges which
would start when the lawn was mowed. What followed was
ugly.
We were fairly good at the poker face until he kicked a hole in the
kitchen cabinets and threatened to kill us. Sadly, he did get some
intensity then…but we tried to rein it in. We went upstairs and blasted
rap music as loud as possible…then came after me taking my phone from
me. When he went for the knife drawer in the kitchen my husband
wrestled him to the ground and sat on him and we called the police. He
has had homicidal threats before…I don’t think he really means it…but
they usually have ended with the police coming and going for a psych
eval. He turns 18 in one month. This time the police had crisis
intervention trained officers with them too. They choose to arrest
him
for domestic violence..threats. He was hauled off in handcuffs and we
picked him up later in the evening…released until trial in custody of
parents. Trial Jan 4.
He
was contrite last night…physically ill from the stress…said he was a
failure to which my husband encouraged him that he was not…what counts
is how he responds
to this event going forward. He was hoping
to go on a mission trip to Haiti with church…this arrest will probably
prevent that. His friends are the most important thing in
the
world to him…and if their parents find out I would not be surprised if
they forbid their kids from seeing him. Too bad, because I think they
have been a good
influence on him. They are all two years younger than he is which is closer to his emotional maturity level.
Specifically…where
do we go from here? Do we hold to the consequence we set up before he
was hauled off by the police? He can’t mow the lawn today because he
had
a basketball game at 6 PM and won’t be home until after dark…same for tomorrow, too with practice.
PS..this
is our adopted kiddo from Ukraine. We got him at age 13…in March he
will have been home with us for 5 years. He has never integrated into
the family..
always retaliating with any consequence. I’m
sure we made it worse by not holding firm early on…but his scorched
earth policies were something we were not prepared to deal with as our
two bio kids were at home. This year our last bio kid is off at college
and we were once again trying to regain some control of our home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mark,
My husband has AS. I learned about it last year, still in Dallas, TX from a great psychologist Lorene Vanzant.
Im happy to know about it ( after 20 years of marriage) but now i dont have hope that things can change.
Since a few months we live in Switzerland( he wirks for a swiss-
international pharma company - novartis). Here is a different world.
Find a help might be a problem...
Im thinking about a divorce. He is in denial of having any problems. Im
alone with everything. We have 2 kids, who need a father too. But he is
not available-completely isolated from us. I have no more energy.
Maybe You have any idea what to do? How to survive? Without his help i
cannot change anything in our sad life. He is a very inteligent guy but
only in the office.
Thanks for any idea:)
Ludmila
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good Day Mark,
My name is Jazmine Clark and my
partner is Matt Peplinski, and our situation is fairly, extensive, to
say the least. He and I are both autistic adults in real need of
effective counseling/therapy.
I am originally
from Michigan near the Flint area, and I was diagnosed at 12 or so after
several diagnostic (and often times very biased) tests. I actually used
to be non-verbal, and my prognosis even at age 3 was not very
optimistic. I grew up in a very dysfunctional and psychologically
abusive environment, including but not limited to regular bouts of
intense verbal abuse from my mother for 5-8 hours consecutively. In
highschool and community college I could out-run that abuse and turmoil
for a while through several art competitions, 3.88/4.0 gpa, even losing
100 pounds, earning even scholarships to go to University of Michigan in
Ann Arbor. My 1st semester at UofM was bright, but the PTSD and the
toll from the psychological pain caught up to me, and my progressed
declined rapidly. I reached out everywhere I could for help, from a wide
variety of state/college/therapeutic/departmental sources. Plus I
was a poor student in a very expensive town, which only socially
isolated me even more. Despite my best efforts, I crashed hard at UofM
and that was devastating, there was no help no matter where I turned, no
matter whom I turned to, there was only disgust and shame. I was deeply
depressed and suicidal those 3 years at UofM but did manage to graduate
with Cum Laude BA from the school of art and design.
I
couldn't get employed, I got fat again, I got sicker among my more
antagonistic/aggressive relatives/mother, I became an alcoholic because
of the pain, I was thrown on piles of meds that made things far worse
for me, I got sicker and things spiraled for 2 years after I managed to
graduate. To give an idea of what these people are like, I was date
raped from trying to drink my hurt away and one relative in particular
gossiped about it like it was a well written joke, even laughing in my
face about it. My friends distanced themselves as did extended family,
everyone vanished never to return.
In 2013
things hit quite a low, I was isolated at my mom's house and she got
ever more aggressive even when I was sober from alcohol and trying to
build my life/heal myself. I then met my now partner online, he was as
isolated and hurt as I, if not more so. He was in Poland.
Matt
didn't have the chance for a diagnosis because of the level of neglect
he experienced. There were times when he was whisked away via ambulance
weekly from panic attacks he was fully expected to "cure himself" of, on
top of being verbally abused by a fully enabled drunk father and his
sister. He taught himself english to have any chance at making any life
for himself, he even has a certificate from Cambridge with the highest
grade possible for english fluency. He's only been bullied by therapists
and his entire community but I could easily tell he was gifted but
deeply hurt like me.
After 2 months of meeting
him, I went into homelessness to get away from my relatives and mother
to have a chance at making it to him. Seven months later I made it to
him, and I've been in Poland with him for the last year now.
He
and I deeply, deeply struggle with PTSD issues from our relatives, and
his mom does financially help us as we get some money from freelance.
We've tried getting therapy in Poland but every time we tried this we
kept getting no real help because Polish therapists are not at all
equipped to help with our issues, neither are Michigan ones. He and I
are able to round up projects and aim to better develop income with
online work, but our deep issues really get in the way of he and I
launching our lives. We hurt every day trying to manage this pain and we
need help.
This was a long letter and I'm not
entirely sure that you'll take the time to read it, but it at the very
least provided some level of healing to write this down to you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I just found you on you tube. I have a very high functioning Aspergers
child (12 year old) with ADHD. His father and I are divorced and
although we try to co parent his father doesn't seem to grasp the fact
his son has Aspergers. I am a nurse who has worked in child/adult
psychiatric hospitals. I still when it comes to my child don't know how
to help him feel less overwhelmed and reach him in times of "fits". He
has flipped me in a chair and pulled a knife on me but it was like it
wasn't him. He was VERY REMORSEFUL AFTER. He does have a 9 year old
very intelligent brother who at times likes to "push his buttons". I
will order your handbook. My child is in therapy but my ex seems to
think he choses to behave or misbehave the way he does. He has always
fought me on medication. I want my son to understand his Aspergergers
and know he and help from us can stop the destructive behavior. We are
all clueless. He has been under so much stress as his older sisters have
drug addicition issues. (Runs in the family). McCall (Asperger's child)
is a sweet giving child and when these moments happens the son I know
disappears. I just want to help the right way. Not say "Boy you know
what you are doing stop". (my ex) In the middle of the "fit" he looks in
control but I see in his eyes (HELP ME).....I ask for any help you
suggest. I understand and work with addicts this is a whold new
ballgame.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mark -
We receive your newsletter and very appreciative of its advise.
Our teen is high functional aspergers, has had P.A.N.D.A.S., has sugar processing issues and has ODD/OCD.
She is very bright, but her mother and I have a very tough time helping
her. She has seen a number of physicians and is working with a
psychologist in the Toledo (OH) area. We were seeing a psychiatrist,
but we have a lot of issues with sensitivity to medications (i.e. their
side affects).
The
question is do you offer counseling in the Toledo area, joint
counseling with another therapist or have names of people that you may
offer that can help us with our teenage daughter?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mark,
Happy Thanksgiving! I am blissfully at home with my
family and do not have to deal with extended family today. My question
is, my sons' psychiatrist is now forced to go with ASD instead of
Aspergers.
Will you address this in your literature? I do not agree
with this, and as a result my son in college will not use ASD or
Aspergers as his diagnosis. He says he has OCD and anxiety. I use
semantic/pragmatic language disorder when I speak of him due to the
stigma. Autism is so "loaded" so I wonder if parents will shy away from
diagnosis.
Thank you again!
Mrs. Terry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm
unclear where to turn and like most everyone you deal with kids. There
is no clear test to establish if you are Autistic. There is no clear
test to establish if you have FAS. I have very, very distinctive
features of FAS and my mother drank heavily. My father swears not while
she was pregnant and she did have one older child and two younger ones
(4 of us total). I'm unclear if you are aware of this but radical
changes occurred in 1986- high functioning Autism was discovered; I was
16. FAS was similarly discovered around that same time period; 1986.
I
was nonverbal until 5, all milestones were missed, I have serious
coordination issues, I struggle with articulation, I struggle with
communication and more. We believe I am autistic. IF you compare a
youtube video to my meltdowns they look almost identical. Sadly I am
obviously now an adult and have a child whose thankfully also an adult;
22. The issue is coming in in that we also believe I am seriously
suffering from regression. I am struggling more with multiple aspects
but to include especially blind rage. In school in the 70s they would
tie me up, we've seriously thought about this given the level of the
meltdowns. I have requested medication, showed up in an ER and stated
I'm Autistic and that I either need (and listed two meds). We don't
know where to go, who to turn to or how to solve this problem.
Pediatricians refuse to see me. Almost all sources available IF I were
still a child have simply slammed the door in our faces since I am not a
child. Given we've watched several videos you've put out we figured we
could try to see if you have any ideas. To add to the list of
problems, my daughter suffers from TBI since she had open heart surgery
when she was 4 months old. We've thought of taking a video of my
meltdowns and trying inpatient hospital however, my daughter can't
manage very long on her own and in an ideal situation it wouldn't be the
single mother whose regressing with Autism so we have to tread lightly
in attempting to get help.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My son's behavior is rather defiant. Also despite every attempt made by
his father and myself, he still is able to a hold of pornography. He has
a bad problem with masturbation. We are scared that his issue will
spill over and affect his two smaller sisters. We are going to try
outpatient and inpatient therapy first. Sending him away for help is our
last option.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark,
Ive been receiving your emails for some years now and in the early days of diagnosis they were an invaluable source of support.
I've
had an extremely distressing incident with my daughter this weekend. Sh
has appeared to have come so far and be so in control at home and
school that I have been literally bursting with pride. She is more able
and talented and academically is in the top 1% in the UK for her age.
She has recently undertaken a stunning performance of shakespeare at the
county theatre and all her teachers, and family are amazed at how well
she is doing.
Then this weekend we had contact
with the Scratch computer coding site. Seren has been seriously cyber
bullying other children for no reason other than jealousy that they were
receiving praise for their work but this cyber bully is near
inarticulate, incredibly foul mouthed, threatening and vile it's as
though she has been possessed.
We are a middle
class, hard working family. I don't drink or smoke or watch
inappropriate programmes but the way she was talking to these poor
children sounds like she's some sort of New York Gangster rather than a
middle class Welsh girl. She's ridiculing them for being four eyed geeky
ooh readers (exactly what she is) and for having useless soft toys when
she herself has a collection of meerkats!
I feel as though there are two separate children in one body and I'm feeling at a complete loss.
Have you ever come across this sort of thing before, can you help me in any way please.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mark,
I have been watching your
videos, and reading your articles. My 8 year old grandson lives with his
Mom and Dad and 12 year old sister, a few miles from our home He
functions at a very high level, gets straight A's and no longer
qualifies for special services at school. Sometime they do take him out
of the classroom for a break when needed. They enjoy a high income and
our grandson gets just about everything he wants, when he wants it. He
was diagnosed at 18 months, but has made amazing progress. The problem
we have is really not him so much, it is our daughter and her husband.
We are convinced that this boy has temper tantrums to get his way, and
he always does. He will never accept the word no or not now. If anyone
says no, he pitches a fit, yells and screams and pushes the issues till
he gets his way. He will scream at you, call you names and on and
on. Our son-in law yells at him, and our daughter coddles him so he
will be quiet and not upset his dad, and gives in to him all the time.
When he visits, and we ask him to do something or not do something, our
daughter will step in and pick up the toys for him, so he doesn't have
to. If we ask him to stop chasing to dog he will not. We ask again and
again and he ignores us....so about the 3-4th request, our daughter
would get up and let the dog outside. These are just examples of
course, to help you understand our dilemma They never follow through
with threats, always give in. Even when they are not here, and we have
our grandson, and he does agree with our request, he then texts his Mom.
Of course, his mom then calls us and lets me know that the boy can have
what we said no to. I don't think I have ever seen a meltdown as you
described in your video, just temper tantrums. We love our daughter, and
our grandson very much but we don't know what to do. Our daughter is
very sensitive, and any deep discussion about their parenting choices
could hurt our relationship. We have not walked in their shoes, and are
trying to understand how to deal with our grandson. Our concern is that
he is getting more and more aggressive. Can you offer us any help or
suggestions? Thanks.................
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My 4 yr. old has been Dx't with Autisum almost a year ago, I live in
Florida and have been in Columbus, Ohio visiting for about a month now
and seeing what my Daughter has been going thru just breaks my heart.
Freedom has a sister in kindergarden, a brother that just turned 2 and a
baby sister 6 months old ( YES She has her hands Full ) I had hoped my
daughter would be able to talk to you about things to do to help Freedom
, He attend school 2 1/2 hours a day, and is learning to talk better,
but still has meltdowns where it is getting harder for Tonya to control
him (he is strong for a 2 year old)
Thank-You for any help you can give us, Elaine
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At 18 months my grandson was diagnosed with Autism. He flapped his arms, would not make eye contact no speech and slow motor skills. His folks immediately got help and now at 8 years, by looking at him and sitting with him....you would never know. he is so very smart it is scary, but about certain things like weather, trains etc. He no longer qualifies for IEP (special help at school) and gets straight A's. If he behaved at school the way he does with his parents and with us, they would expel him. When we say No to anything that he really wants he "pitches a fit" screams at you, and does the activity anyway.....till you have to take him by the arm and place him in a quiet room to time out. He just will not obey..., and his folks overlook most all this behavior.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mr. Hutten,
I just found your site and
I'm impressed by all of the information on it.
I just found out last
month that my 10 year old son has High Functioning Autism, Level 1. He has
been attending a small Catholic School here in San Diego since
Kindergarten. He is currently in 5th grade and has had social issues with
his peers for a long time.
I'm considering pulling
him out of his school at the end of this school year and sending him
elsewhere. Do you have a recommendation for any schools in the San Diego
area for kids with his diagnosis?
Thank you so
much,
Cathleen
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have you written articles geared towards high functioning kids
(aspergers) and school support options- middle school? We are dealing
with many issues surrounding our sons " lack of"
responsibility/organization/
motivation. He has never needed any
special services to this point. His response to us is " mom I'm learning
why do I have to show it all the time? Grades are just a number".
Just a little stressed around here!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark, I am really learning a lot from your articles, we are in the
process of getting our 11 year old son diagnosed as having aspbergers.
He has always been considered gifted academically, but the pressures of
5th grade have made him take a sharp left turn this year, he insists
that he can't go to school and if he has to go he would rather die. He
has missed weeks at a time. We have him in counseling and is going to
school half days but is starting to rail against even that. My husband
and I are trying to learn all we can to learn how to parent him, to give
him what he needs but it feels like most of the time we are just
reacting and he is in the driver's seat. We are working with the school
system to get him evaluated but it is a slow process, and it is hard to
be upbeat a lot of the time. I look forward to reading more of your
articles and continue to learn anything I can to help our son...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello,
I'm writing to you in order to find out more information on your programme.
Namely, as you can see from the subject I have two sons with ODD problems. Ivan is 9 and Alan is 4 and I am divorced. We are from Croatia, Europe.
I just wanted to check whether your programme works for these ages.
Ivan is very disobidient and difficult to manage. I am very tired and frustrated. It is very difficult to get any kind of professional help in Croatia so I would very much appreciate if I could get help from you. Although I cannot claim that Alan suffers from the same diagnosis, it seems that many symptoms are present (not sure whether he just copies the older brother) but it is harder for me to manage it with every further day.
Thank you for your help in advance.
Best regards,
Marinela
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Children with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) are prone to greater stress in their daily lives than their “typical” peers. Social interaction – especially with more than one peer in which the HFA child has to identify, translate, and respond to social and emotional cues and cope with unexpected noise levels – inevitably increases stress to a point where his or her coping mechanisms may collapse. 
