Do you need some assistance in parenting your Aspergers or HFA child? Click here to use Mark Hutten, M.A. as your personal parent coach.
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My 18 year old son has been diagnosed with aspergers, also now known as Social Pragmatic communication disorder. He also has auditory processing disorder, a math disability, and an IQ of 90.
He has lately taken to arguing with me about everything, he talks over me, and will not listen. Some of this I know is due to the fact that he is trying to find his way in life. But, I am at my wits end. Help!
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Dear Mark,
Firstly I would like to congratulate you on a very thorough and comprehensive article on SPD.
As a child I was diagnosed very early on with SPD, roughly aged 4-5. I am now 27, happily married and (more or less) a functioning member of society.
I was scrolling amongst a plethora of SPD-related articles as my wife was curious as to the mentality and 'learning difficulties' I had as a child, and I found that your description of this 'disorder' was more or less on the ball (excepting a segment about fully developed adults with this disorder, which was a gap in information I found with near all the scholarly texts regarding this specific type of autism).
Anyway, my name is Don _____, and I was wondering what your sources were... There were many examples that seemed a little too direct towards my own history and it began me thinking that I was diagnosed more or less at the same time the term SPD was coined.
Anyway these are fragments of paragraphs I found bore similarities far too derived from normal generalisation to be mere coincidence..
Creative writing, rather like pretend play, is something which may remain inflexible. Many kids with SEMANTIC PRAGMATIC DISORDER find it easier to regurgitate their own experiences or retell stories. One youngster we know is so accomplished at memorizing stories and interweaving them into new ones that he has actually won prizes for creative writing!
e..Age 11-12, a short sci-fi story was published in a short-story magazine
Adults, kids, teachers and moms & dads are treated the same so when Adam said "don't talk to me like that" to a visitor, he was understandably thought to be very rude, when in fact he was simply repeating what had been said to him. SEMANTIC PRAGMATIC DISORDER kid’s inappropriate or immature use of language can be very embarrassing. They say things like, "why has that lady got such a big nose", or they give tha
e.. My name is Adam...
e now think there is a family link between these Autistic Spectrum Disorders. We have sometimes found that having identified one youngster on the Autistic Continuum, another youngster in the family has been found to have milder communication problems too,
e.. My eldest brother has Aspergers, and my middle has mild dyslexia
Anyway, if at all possible, and if not too troublesome, could you refer me to the sources you drew this article from...?
If it's the case that during my childhood I was used as a case study without my knowledge, I honestly would not mind, simply the fact is that I would like to know if these paragraphs refer to myself. And further continuing this train of thought, I would not be against a conversation regarding how this disorder has affected my later on in life, since I see there is little regarding adults who suffered this symptom during childhood.
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Hi Mark,
I have always found your website helpful and I am hoping you can provide some 1:1 coaching for me and my mother. I have a niece Morgan who is 21 years old with HFA. She falls in the passive category of HFA and is generally quiet and prefers socializing 1:1 or 1:2 and definitely starts to look nervous when people are socializing in a group.
She graduated at 18, barely , and her mother has always been battling quite a few challenges herself, so for the most part Morgan has gotten by on her wits, but is definitely struggling. I think in some ways the lack of supports, i.e. late diagnosis (age 11), minimal SPED, no money from mom, has definitely served her. She has an IQ of 125, but a significant verbal processing disorder. She writes like a champ and if and when she responds she appears completely neurotypical. She worked in HS in food service, a job she acquired with a cousin's help who worked in the same place, and managed to pay off a $4,000 automobile and cover her parochial tuition for the classes she had below a "C" in which I think was a smart thing for her mom to have her do.
She is bisexual/lesbian and involved in Anime (goes to conventions). I think both those groups seem to be more accepting of her quirks than perhaps the general population. Through Anime she found a group of NT friends though they are just kind of living on the edge of poverty like Morgan which will be brought up later . She has a girlfriend that lives three hours away which I think Morgan enjoys having her as a girlfriend, but also likes the fact that she doesn't have to spend much time with her because of the distance. Her girlfriend is NT and again a young adult living on the edge of poverty and a little out of the mainstream.
So last April, Morgan's 24 year old step sister moved into her mom's house because she was basically homeless. Morgan and her did not mix. Kate has a lot of issues and there was a lot of resulting tension in the house. Morgan had two friends that asked her to get an apartment with them. She had been taking classes at a local community college. I knew my niece and knew there was no way she was passing them, but when I asked my sister about it she would say that when she asked about grades Morgan would say she was getting As and Bs and they were mailing the report cards and they must have gotten lost in the mail, etc. So when Morgan moved in with these two friends, she started taking $1,000 a month from her 529 plan for living expenses and cut back her work hours. I think she was in heaven and as near as I can tell she was skipping school, getting paid to do it, and living with friends in a cool apartment. Not a bad gig.
Well this spring, they added another roommate and decided to move into a townhouse. This is when things started to not look so rosy. Morgan switched jobs to a sister hospital and it was not an aspie friendly environment as her last job and she started calling in sick and got fired. She had failed to pay her tuition instead spending the money on other things including covering the roommates utility expenses and the college wouldn't let her take anymore classes until that bill was taken care of so somehow I think that stopped the 529 money train. She discovered the joys of credit car use and built up $2500 at least in credit card debt along with a $700 tuition bill. The foursome decided to break their lease this month and she had no money to join anybody's alternate plans and I am not sure she was asked. She found a job working night shift (stocker) at Target for 25 hours a week and ran completely out of money in between last and first paychecks.
At this point my mother who is no pushover asked Morgan if she and her cat would like to move into her basement for a year. My parent's winter in AZ so this is a pretty sweet gig if Morgan can pull it off.
So here is where you come in if you can help. Morgan over the years has honed a few skills and is no slouch when it comes to telling people what they want to hear if it will stop the pain at any level .
Anyway my mom, aunt (helps Morgan out when she is in crisis), and my plan is currently to provide Morgan with matching funds so that if she is willing to follow the plan she will end the year in a much more stable position not just financially, but emotionally.
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My husband and I have custody of our 14 year old grandson, and need help, he has ODD and we are not sure how to treat it, he has been going to the Anderson Center, We got him in April, as his mother (our daughter) just couldn't figure out how to deal with him, as she lives in Indy and he was running away, Hanging with gang members, was cutting himself, smoking pot, and god knows what else.. So now he is with us, He did some of IOP at the Anderson Center basically they said it wasn't for him as he was disruptive and JOKED around to much??? So now has Seen Terry who is straight to the point, But when we go SeVion doesn't talk much, He does talk with us or well Tell us what is what... He thinks he should have NO RULES, come and go as he sees fit no matter the time, We have caught him smoking, sneaking out in the middle of the night, his response was " I WAS JUST RIDING MY BIKE" HE THINKS THAT HE WAS NOT IN THE WRONG AT ALL.. He will not admit when he is wrong, He will shove it on everyone else, He also is very aggressive, not really in an angry way, Just when he is PLAYING around I think that he really tries to hurt you, just to show how strong he is, Like picking up the other kids, That are younger and throwing them to the ground (Kind of Body slam without him falling on you) or trying to takel my husband who is 6 foot tall and 225 pounds... I found your name on the internet and wondered if you can help in any way, as school will be starting soon and that is when he has the most issues, as he has been suspended numerous times in the past. He really is a smart kid very affectionate at times, but just can NOT follow any rules.
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Question:
Hi, Mark!
As my son, Koby, moves from
elementary school to his 6th grade year in middle school, I have a couple of
questions that I have.
I've been doing a lot of research
online to find some answers, but I haven't had luck in finding any that are
convincing for the following issues:
- Koby's therapist suggested that we find a way to help
move Koby further along with his pragmatic use of language as it pertains
to him "sounding mature" and developing skills necessary for
verbal interaction with his peers at school. At this point, Koby is able
to respond appropriately with what he should say, but how he
says it is still problematic and it will likely lead to even more teasing
at school. Do you have any advice to offer about this?
- Also, during these final weeks before school starts,
Koby will be working with his tutor on his reading and writing skills. Do
you happen to know of any programs that are stand outs in this area?
Answer:
RE:
Do you have any advice to offer about this?
Just a lot of practice of as many
different scenarios as possible. This is something that doesn't come naturally
to him (obviously).
Some ideas include:
Role play conversations that might
occur with different people in different situations. For example, set up a
situation in which your son has to explain the same thing to different people.
For example, he might be asked to teach the rules of a new game to a younger
child and to an adult. If his explanations are the same for each listener,
model different language patterns for an adult.
Provide visual prompts such as
pictures, objects, or a story outline to help him tell a story in sequence.
Encourage him to rephrase or revise
an unclear word or sentence. Provide an appropriate revision by asking
"Did you mean ____.”
Show how nonverbal signals are
important to communication. For example, talk about what happens when a facial
expression does not match the emotion expressed in a verbal message (e.g.,
using angry words while smiling).
RE:
Do you happen to know of any programs that are stand outs in this area?
Not one that stands out above the rest... no.
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Hello:
I am a mother of three children, two girls one boy ages 4-8. I came across your name online and want to share my story
Recently our oldest girl, (8yrs), has been demonstrating some behaviours
that are worrisome. We have been noticing meltdowns, anger outbursts,
unexplained crying, all possible characteristics/ signs of Asperger's,
we think. She is extremely bright, top of her class, her teacher has no
behaviour problems with her at school and is very creative and involved
in visual arts.
I am seeking guidance, more information on the topic, are we on the right track?
Any advice you can give is greatly appreciated
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Thanks Mark,
I
am really glad I stumbled across your website. I put into action last
night the beginning stages of self reliance after listening to the 1st two
audio’s and I was pleasantly surprised how well it came across with my son.
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Hi Mark, I take my daughter this month to to get
diagnosed, but with all the research I have done I believe she has
Asperger's. Do you know of any support groups in my area or how I go
about finding them. I'm looking for resources with certain issues I am
facing with my daughter as far as she has now graduated from high school
does not struggle academically one bit, but with real life skills. She
is not able to drive, so we are faced with that issue. I am a single
parent wondering also if I have rights for her child support to continue
past the age of 18. Any information you could pass on would be appreciated. Thank you for your time.
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I have a question of sorts, or just asking for advice.
My 8.5 year old son, technically diagnosed PDD-NOS but I think Asperger’s
fits for him (and for his father) developed his first friendship this past
school year with a classmate. She is a sweet girl and it warmed my heart when
she claimed my son as her friend.
We’ve been out of school for 3+ weeks and managed a couple of playdates at
a local park that went fine. The third time we got together she was already
there with another friend and hardly paid any attention to my kiddo, and left
without saying good-bye.
My son, since school let out and hasn’t been able to see her every day, all
day, is ....eating next to nothing, and complaining of nausea most every day. He
is moody and subdued most of the time and waiting, waiting until the next time
he can see her. I took a photo of them on his Leappad and he made it into a
video on his Leappad and cut himself out and .....he’s quite focused on her.
He’s not even pre-teen – he’s 8.5 years old!
I welcome any advice you may have. He and I have talked and prepared
somewhat for how he will be if she isn’t available to play and if she needs to
play with other friends.
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Our son is on the second week of summer break. Last week he accepted daily chores and did them each day.
He has missed a lot of school this grade 11 due to depression issues so
was to take a summer class beginning last Thursday. He would not go. We
decided to let that be.
This week we gave him a daily plan of 2 hours of math homework (he is
attempting to complete this online with the approval of his school), a
daily chore and to job search 3 companies online per day and send in an
online application. This is in the hopes that he will find a part time
job. He is also not to be in bed during the day. His dad is home to
supervise this.
Our son does not want this plan, we did compromise with him to make it less controlling. We also put it in writing.
Today we began the expectations, he refused and his dad clearly told him
that the consequence would be no TV screens/ gaming for the evening. He
ignored this. He would not shut off the TV and played Xbox in front of
us. His dad shut the power off in his area.
Our son was furious. He came down, yelled and pushed his dad. He shut
himself in our bedroom and stayed there for awhile. He came out after 10
minutes. We are not sure of what he took. When we went into our room to
see what had happened we saw that he had trashed 2 of his father's
dresser drawers.
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Mark, I am
an LPC and have been in private practice for almost 20 years. I also have
an out-of-control teen-age son. I have looked at your website, and am
wondering if your material would be an appropriate curriculum to use for a
“parents of troubled teens” support group that I’m looking to implement at my
church. I am appalled that there seems to be so little resources for us
(parents of troubled teens). I know there’s a lot of us out there, most of
us suffering alone and wondering when it will get better (actually, we’re afraid
it will never get better!). Let me know what you think.
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Hello
I have found out about your website from my 13 year old daughter's social worker at the alberta children's hospital. My daughter has been officially diagnosed with PDD-NOS, but she's on the cusp of Aspergers. Her name is Kennedy. She also has the following issues: ADHD, B-Cell Immune Deficiency, and Learning Disablitlities. She was diagnosed with the Immune Deficiency at 2 months old. This is a medical condition in which her body does not have any B Cells, which produce Immunoglobulin to ward off bacterial infections. As a result she has been receiving Immunoglobulin Ifusions through IV since she was a year. Before age 6 we had to go to the hospital every 3 weeks for an IV over a period of 8 hours. When the nurse had to put the IV in, there was always 3 nurses and myself holding her down. She has had IV's in her feet, arms, and hands. These injections are necessary for her to stay healthy and she is also on profelactive septra 3 times a week. Kennedy was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 8 and PDDNOS and Learning Disablitlies at the age of 9.
We were doing pretty good until recently. She has taken social skills classes and I have done Triple P Parenting for Children with Disabilities, and also a Parenting ADHD Child class. The trouble started when she started Jr. High. She was in Grade 7 this past year and is going into Grade 8. in Jr High she befriended lots of different girls, they were all bad news but she stuck it out for the entire year with a girl named Montana. In January Kennedy started cutting, I didn't find out till April. In April she posted on her facebook page "What would you do if I died?" I took her to the emergency room at the Alberta Children's Hospital. We were referred to counselling through the Calgary Family Therapy Center. We have started counselling three weeks ago. In April Kennedy smoked marijuana and went to school high. She was caught by her principal who called and told me. In response I grounded Kennedy for one month and made her "work" for her "freedom". I made a list of chores for her with a point system and told her she has to earn a 600 points. She did this in a week and she was ungrounded.
June 4th Kennedy was arrested for shoplifting. I came down hard on her on the advice of the officers that arrested her. The officers didn't know she is on the Autism Spectrum and she was very rude to them. They stopped talking to her. She gave them the peace sign when they went into the room the security of the store was holding her in. She showed no remorse for her actions. She was not scared. She admitted this to me. At home I took all her things away from her, grounded her, and took the door off her room. Kennedy ran away 2 weeks later.
On June 20th she made sure she was late for school, went and got a late slip and walked out of the school. She was missing for over 24 hours. I filed a missing persons report for her. I found her the next day at her friends house by calling the numbers on the cell phone bill from her phone. I was very distraught. I cried and I pleaded with her. We made a contract.
Things were going pretty good until a few days ago. She hates her younger sister and older brother, 5 years and 15 years respectively. She was verbally abusive to the 5 year old and I called her father, who is also Aspergers and we are divorced, and she is now staying with him. We have had counselling since then and she has told me that it is her life and she can take care of herself.
Kennedy's medical doctor is very concerned about her cutting. It has gotten a lot worse. She was doing her arms and has now started on her legs. Her left leg is espeacially bad from her knee to her ankle with cuts all over it. Her social worker has tried to get her into all the different programs through the hospital and is met with the same response, "She will not follow our program, we cannot help her"
I don't know what to do. Please help me. I am dealing with this on my own completely because her father is Aspergers and really has no idea what to do or how to handle this. I don't know either.
Thank You
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Dear Dr. Hutten,
I am so happy to receive your newsletter. We signed up for your online course. Thanks you for your insights and help. We really are struggling with our 15 yr. old Aspie, despite working with psycholigists weekly since he as 3, psychiatrists monthly over the same period, behavioral therapists, ABA etc. We are hoping you and your work will help us with a very bright, but very difficult young man. We really want to help him to be his best self and grow into an independent adult if that is possible.
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My name is Batiyah Lampl, and I
publish http://reflectrelaterenew.com/,
an online newsletter written for the caregiver of a mentally ill family
member or a family member with a mental or neurological disorder. Every now and
then I like to profile an industry expert for my subscribers. After reading
your articles, “Understanding the Brain
of a Defiant Teenager” and “How to
Control the Uncontrollable Child: 30 Tips For Parents Who Are At Their Wits End,”
it’s clear that you are an ideal fit for my readers.
Your articles really spoke to me because I am the mother of
a grown son who has ADD and ODD; and I’ve recently been the guardian of his son
who has ADHD and ODD. I also have a granddaughter who is bi-polar, and a mother who passed on from Alzheimers. These
challenges are what motivated me to start this newsletter.
I am not looking for any original content from you. In fact,
after reading the above and some of the other articles you have already
written, I’d be honored if you would allow me to simple republish one or two of
those. Of course I would give full
attribution and not change the article in any way.
Please let me know if you are able to help me out. My next
issue is scheduled to go out soon, and I would love to have you in that one.
Thanks, and I look forward to your reply.
Sincerely,
Batiyah Lampl, Ph.D
Organization Development Consultant (retired)
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My name is Evelyn and I am trying to locate information regarding Asperger. Although my 7 year old grandson has not been diagnosed as Asperger, I believe he is. The doctor stated he is severe ADHD.
My concern is: I have seen many children in my life that have been ADHD, but never with the destructive tendencies that he has. He will waste food and drinks and destroy most anything in the house when he gets mad, or if he gets upset with someone. He is so mean to his brothers, (not always to his younger sister), that they want nothing to do with him. He believes no one loves him, but it is difficult for them to care about him when he treats them so mean. My daughter and her husband are at their wits end. They have 5 children and I am afraid they will give up on them.
My daughter is willing to try anything, her husband gives in because it is easier.
I have read over the information on your online coaching site, and believe it might help, especially if all of us could access the information.
Please respond regarding if this program sounds like what I am looking for.
Thank you for your assistance in this matter.
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Hello,
i came across your page and was reading up on everything and it was amazing. I am planning on ordering your online book of Living with an Aspergers partner. Because right now I'm in a relationship with my partner who right now i am becoming frustrated with and emotionally upset and not understanding how to cope with someone who has Aspergers. We been together for 3 months now and my partner had told me that they had Aspergers and I was like oh okay and never really took the time to read up on the Syndrome and what it was all about until recently today. because I'm afraid that my relationship with my partner might end and i just want to say I'm excited to start reading your book because I'm hoping it will help us. make the relationship stronger.
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Hi Mark,
I am in the process of working through your program with
my son, Paul. He turned five years old April 30th, and has been diagnosed
with being on the spectrum of autism (which I guess in "old terms" would be
considered Aspergers), We are currently working on the second week of
assignments, and I guess I just need some feedback on what I'm doing. The
problem behaviors that I would like to address are when we go to church. For
this year, our church time has been moved from 1pm-4pm (it will change to 9-12pm
in January), and Paul is one of those children who really needs a nap during the
day. Well, obviously, that is during his nap time. He is going to be starting
kindergarten this fall, and so I'm trying to somewhat wean him off naptimes,
unless I see that he really needs one.
But I digress.....in the last couple of weeks, his
behavior in church has been awful -last week he had to be taken to his
dad during Sunday school because he wouldn't pay attention or stay in his seat
(I was busy teaching, so I couldn't deal with him at the moment). He constantly
was up, moving all over the room, and disturbing the other children
and wouldn't listen to his Sunday School teachers. I told him beforehand that if
we had to take him out for time out that he would lose 3 days of iPad, movies,
computer, etc. Well, he had those privileges taken away, but because he did
such an excellent job the next day at Kindermusik, I let him have his screen
time back.
Well, he was even worse this week. He couldn't
be in the chapel because he would collapse on the floor when we tried to
redirect him or get him to simply sit down. We took him out and sat with him in
a private room, and he cried, screamed, (meltdown) etc....tried to get out
of the room, rolled around on the floor, messed with the thermostat....so
basically it was VERY INEFFECTIVE. For this, we currently have him on
restriction from any screen time (it's killing him!!) and he's going to stay on
that restriction this time, no matter what he does at Kindermusik tomorrow. I
don't think he even has a clue on how long 3 days actually is!
Any suggestions??? I've been glancing through your
assignments and I'm not sure if any of this will be addressed, seeing as he's a
child of special needs, and I need some help NOW with this. I'm finding that he
is acting this way anytime we go out in public (store, kindermusik-or any type
of group activity where sitting down with a group and listening is required - ,
transitioning from one activity to the next -- i.e., leaving the pool after
swimming lessons, or leaving the playground).
I'd like to also say that I love my son very much. I see
these behaviors in him and it just breaks my heart, especially when he is around
other children and they just kind of look at him, and in some cases I've seen
them make fun of him. I don't want this to happen to him when he starts school
in a regular classroom (he has an IEP and has lots of accomodations). He really
is a sweet boy with a kind heart...very smart and funny and can read just about
anything you put in front of him...and I'm just trying to find my way with
helping him and being the best parent I can be. This is baffling to me, because
his behavior was fine in preschool - but now that he's been home for the summer,
his behavior has become quite a problem. (I have put him in his old daycare for
2 days a week so that he can still have interaction with other kids, since he is
an only child....)
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I am at my wits end. My dtr is 31 and I tried everything to get her out
of my home. As with most kids with her problems I knew things would
probably take a little longer, but to add to the problem she got
pregnant at 25 and I've been caring for her and my grandson now 6. She
now has a boyfriend that is barely able to support himself and she
brings him over on weekends and expects him to stay weekends. What legal
resources do I have to try to get her out but at the same time not
throw out the child as she has never taken any financial responsibility
for him. She loves him but is a child herself emotionally. HELP!
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Dear Mark,
Your resources look terrific but I'm on a limited budget and need to
check that I'm getting the appropriate materials for my twins.
My 6.5 year old identical twins were recently diagnosed with high IQs,
autism spectrum disorder, ADHD and severe learning difficulties. I have
not received their formal reports yet from their paediatric psychiatrist
(the psychiatrist is 4 hours drive away because we live in a small
country town).
Both boys are extremely bright chatterboxes, their general knowledge
astounds people but they are really struggling with their reading,
writing, arithmetic and social skills at school. In addition the boys
say that the classroom noise and bells etc really hurt their ears. Their
general behaviour appears quite immature to their school peers - they
are like excitable and naughty 3.5 year olds with sophisticated
vocabularies. They are inquisitive, creative and excel at art projects
and building Lego. They are also disobedient and have problems with
impulse control.
They hate their school (they started school at the beginning of the
year) so they are moving to a very small bush school in 4 days - there
are 36 students in the whole school (7 other students have diagnosis
like my twins). The new school wants the boys to start doing part days
on Mon,
Wed, Fri and gradually work up to full time. The boys will have 1
teachers aide between them in class. I hope they like their new school
better - they are far-behind their neurotypical peers academically but
their general knowledge is impressive.
I asked if their diagnosis is the high functioning old aspergers term? I
was told by their paediatric psychiatrist "I prefer autism spectrum
disorder..." I understand that the term aspergers is not used anymore -
can your resources help my twin boys? Even though aspergers is not part
of my boys' formal diagnosis what resources and techniques do you
suggest?
I'm having real trouble teaching both boys that if other kids (often
older kids) tease them 'not to hit the teaser or hit the teaser's
glasses etc...' instead say/shout 'stop' and tell the teacher.
Instead boys insist to me: "We're not afraid we're going to fight."
They recently broke an older boy's glasses - the boy was teasing them at
a school disco and his mother wants me to pay up to $300 for his
glasses if they are not covered by warranty. I'll pay half the cost but I
cannot afford this.
Last night a friend visited in her brand new fancy 4wd - my boys loved
her 4wd and asked if we could get one too. I said no boys - to my horror
both boys threw pebbles at the brand-new 4wd. I immediately put them on
time-out and I have banned their DS games long-term. I gave my friend
$250 to repair a small stone chip caused by the boys. I'm a single
mother on full-time carers allowance and carers payment (because of the
boys' diagnosis). I cannot afford to keep paying for damages like this. What do you suggest?
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What to do when child chooses to violate the consequence over and over again.
We have a 17 year old daughter who was given a 3 day grounding for
staying out all night with out permission. She went to her boyfriends
house who lives in a neighbourhood where there is known drug abuse and
violence. She was given no phone or car privileges. After day one she
left the house. She took her car as she feels we cannot ground her from
the car she has bought with her own money. She has not returned for two
nights. She has asked to talk with us when she calms down but says she
is too angry with her grounding and needs time and space. This is the
third time she skipped out on the 3 day consequence. She reacts strongly
to being grounded each time and will not accept the consequences. How
do we get her to stay grounded for the 3 days? She may return today and
we will start the grounding over but if she decides she's not complying
she will leave again choosing to start over when she returns. The last
time she did this she eventually served the 3 days only to do it again
when she was next grounded. Her peer group is never grounded. She feels
we are unfair and strict as others don't have rules about curfew or
staying out all night.
Please give us advice when she chooses not to comply with consequences
and leaves and we start the 3 days over and over again upon her return.
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Hi Mark,
My
son is 25 with aspergers/OCD. Every now and then he brings up the fact
that he will never marry. He says it is because I said (when he was very
young) that someday he would get married, and he does not like to think
about the future that is just the way he is. He gets very upset that I
do not understand this. I have told him over and over I would have never
said it if I knew he would take it so wrong (and at the time I did not
know he had aspergers) Can you tell me how I should respond to this?
Why do people with aspergers have such a hard time with knowing what
will “probably happen”. Thank you for your help!
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QUESTION:
Mark,
I am between a rock and a hard spot and would love your opinion.
My
26 year old AS son has been working as a seafood clerk at a big chain
grocery store for year. His passion is fishing, and after failing at an
academic degree in fisheries found this job and absolutely loves to sell
seafood to people. He got this job originally through the DVR and had a
wonderful job vendor that helped him train as a cleaning person and
after 2 years he was transferred to the seafood clerk position, which he
was so excited about. He says he is made to sell seafood and can see
doing it for his life career. He seems to be very, very good at certain
parts of this job and often gets compliments from customers.
Of course the problem comes with the management
communications and his lack of ability to multi task, or do things
within the time slot he is scheduled for. He feels that they are not
training him correctly and won't listen to his needs or help him learn.
They do get mad at him for this, and he comes home very mad and
frustrated ready to lose it.
Since his DVR case is closed, I was thinking of
going to his work place and trying to strike up a conversation with his
managers to see if there is anyway to help clear up his needs or help
come up with some plans for a solutions to problems they are having with
him. I hesitate since I am his mother and he is in a professional
position, but I don't know where else to turn. I would hate for him to
lose his job due to a miscommunication. I have purposely stayed away
for the past 3 years, but hate to think that they could all be doing
better if everyone was on the same page of understanding and direction.
Any thoughts on parent getting involved with adult Aspies work places? I'd hate to have this backfire.
ANSWER:
Rather than you going in and playing advocate.. it would be better to
teach him how to advocate for himself. What would you say to his
managers? Teach HIM to say these things... practice it with him (you
play the manager).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am excited and relieved to find your handbook. After working with
Preschool and Elementary age children with challenging behaviors, I
accepted a position with a school district to assist in training aides
to work with children with challenging behaviors. Thus my new exposure
to ASD. I have welcomed all training but was not prepared to find my own
child, 12 years old, a high functioning Aspergers AHA!!! The fact that I
now have a route to follow, my hope is she will finally get the tools
she has needed to be a positive member in society. I have always thought
she was just introverted.
Anyway, excited for my family! Educating her older brother will intensify our knowledge.
Thank you!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks for some educated opinions. At 26 years, we were one of the first
to be diagnosed AS in our area being so new to the medical diagnosis.
It is so great to see so many sources now, but still lacking in adult
help. I so appreciate your materials. It has been very reassuring. My
son has worked very hard and is a great example of a high functioning
AS. I am very proud of him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark
I have a 19 year old daughter. Her behaviour toward me is
bewildering and sometimes violent. I have been left with bruises and
scratches. (This behaviour started when she was 16 but is getting worse)
It is bully like behaviour that she usually only displays
when we are alone. She swears at me(we are not a family that swears in
this manner), tells me everything I do wrong as a parent and generally
blames me for all that is supposed to be wrong with her life.
We have always supported her, sent her to a private school and she
is currently in university which we pay for. To friends and other family
members she is happy and bubbly but I seem to be the person she tears
into continually. This behaviour can be exacerbated
by the smallest of things eg no avocado left in fridge or if you ask
how uni is going
I am very concerned as her behaviour some days is almost Jekyll and
Hyde-like. Following her latest attack, which was verbal and lasted for
almost an hour, she became chatty, friendly and helped with groceries. A
complete 180! I was stunned. I find myself
walking on eggshells whenever she is home and the tension is palpable
throughout the family. She has three younger step brothers. I am
concerned for her well being and I don't know if she needs help. She
drinks and smokes but denies taking anything else. She
takes risks when she drinks and frequently has bruising from falls.
I am frightened at times and I am usually a confident and calm
person. I can deal with criticism when I have done something wrong but I
just don't think I have been such a dreadful parent. I am divorced from
her father who she dislikes intently ; he used
to treat me in much similar ways. I am scared for her.
I am just wondering if there is I a book,link or anything you could
suggest. She doesn't live at home and I have tried to get her to a
doctor but she won't go. It is distressing for me to watch a beautiful
girl at times be so hateful towards us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My son has been attending a special school for years and
while there are times of difficulty, we are blessed in that he has a
good heart and has grown so much over the years. We have worked very
hard and have had access to resources as needed. I however am the one
that is oversensitive to his pain, but when I let go and pray, he can
work through challenges as he has years of learning the tools.
Also, being only 15, I jumped the gun going too far into
the future, where I need not be looking for trouble where it doesn't
exist and may never come to pass. I just want so much to help when I
need to step back. For me it is difficult having physical limitations
wishing that I could take him around to broaden his horizons, but I
cannot and it is just the two of us.
Basically, all things considered, I believe that I made the
wrong selections. What I think I need may not be right at all, but at
this point I need to trust in him to experience trials, succeed or fail,
be supportive and watch him grow. Do you have something more along
those lines? Through his school and my church he has a network of what I
would call friends, but he holds back, rarely reaching out, but
enjoying times together when arranged for him.
Trying to slowdown, take it one day at a time, and
appreciate how far he has come. Of course I am there to support, listen
and make suggestions or share thoughts when he is open to them.
It is also a very exciting time for him. In September he
will take US history and geometry at the local high school, and then
return to his special school for the balance of his classes. I don't
know if it is going to overload his sensory systems and allow him to
learn in that environment, but support will be there for him at both
schools. Major growth opportunity if he can be strong and CALM. My
greatest fear is that he will not allow himself to step back if he needs
to or if they make fun of him, or if he thinks they have when they
haven't. I' am optimistic that he will do well, but part of me wishes
that he could learn the dance of life allows us to take steps backwards,
or even sideways, before the next steps forward without having to crash
and burn, o even if that happens, to learn to accept, learn from
experiences and move forward. He is such a perfectionist prone to crash
if his vision isn't fulfilled. He desperately wants to be his
vision of normal, not realizing he is such a great person as he is.
So, which would be the correct support tools from your
selection given our circumstances? I think I want to be prepared with a
safety net while not g8ving him unnecessary crutches. Does any of this
make sense? I wish for him to celebrate his growth with love and
acceptance, not to go back to past failures negating all he has
accomplished. He's doing exceptionally well but doesn't seem to see.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our child who was diagnosed with Asberger's has such problems with making and keeping friends. It's the keeping them after meeting them for a short time that is the problem. She either act ridiculous, shows off, gets them in trouble on... and on... This has been a problem since Kindergarten with her acting out. Why does she do this. We purposely put her in sports in grades school and she is still in sports but she seems to interact with them in sports only. She doesn't have any friends outside of sports. She doesn't get invited to sleepovers and when she did get invited and went when she was younger she would act out causing trouble. We either would be called by the parent or/and she wouldn't be invited back. She doesn't get invited to parties the past 3 years as she has become a teen. She says "I don't care, I don't need friends" but we don't believe she REALLY believes that, but this past year my husband and I are questioning that maybe she really doesn't care and has resigned to not having friends outside of sports since she says she doesn't need them outside of sporting evens. We have been we feel maybe too liberal with giving her every sports (she uses it against us) if we in the past take an event away from her or 'say we will' as she even says "you won't" or "no, I will do it anyway" She knows we don't want to hurt the rest of the team to not let her go to a practice, games so she does just what she needs to do to get into the sport at the beginning of the seasons then she knows we won't/can't take her out after we have paid especially and we don't want to hurt the team. Is this hurting her in the long run and how do we get her to have lasting friendships other than just in sports as it seems superficial in sports and they don't invite her anywhere in a group and she sabotages friendships when we have had them in our home doing silly sometimes stupid things, etc.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Dr. Hutten ,my name is Marikate Kingston. My husband and I have read your website and the information your e book offers. We are mentally worn down and exhausted. Everything on your website ,about your book and I mean everything, sounds like our lives. I CRIED WITH MY HUSBAND. We need your book Can you tell me how much it costs / . We are moving back to Ct from Vermont to get more help with our son Joshua who has Asperger's and other disorders that are related to this condition. Your website gives me hope . Maybe you can email me the cost of your book and any other resources you can I would be grateful... Marikate and Jim
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Man, I just read
through this blog and it is certainly extremely accurate. We have been
trying to "help" a young man from our church for the last year. He is
19. He just lost his 4th job I think. We basically did all the things
you said don't work. My question is do I tell him that he has RAD? I
am not sure we are equipped to get him through all of the things you
suggested. We bailed him out of jail for a minor offense, he re
enrolled in high school and graduated in the Spring of this year. We
helped him go to CNA school where he did great. He recently just became
very hard to live with but thought we were equipped to help him but now
we are really wondering. He has a kind heart and has no drug/alcohol
addictions.
Any thoughts? There is obviously a lot more we could tell you but I am sure you have heard most of it. Thank you for your time! Great information. Wish I had found it a year ago.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Asperger's daughter is getting ready to start the 8th grade. I am
going to have to homeschool her this year. The public school basically
made it clear to me that they do not want her back and even though they
are required by law to offer some help with this, they were so hateful I
just let them keep their "services". They seem to try to make things
more difficult. However, I am an educated woman and I understand my
child, so I think I can do a good job of this. The problem is, since she
will no longer be at school during the day, I cannot work outside the
home and the entire mess has put me in a serious financial bind. Is
there any financial assistance available to help cover the costs of
curriculum and materials when a disabled child is more or less forced
into homeschooling? I have not home schooled before and I want to get an
actual curriculum so I have some kind of guide. I am sure after this
first time of doing it, I will be able to continue in future school
years without this extra expense. Thank you for your assistance.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My son is 7 yrs old and he is QUICKLY falling between the cracks.
There is no doubt according to his past teachers, assistant principal, school counselor, etc. That he has Asperger's.
Your explanations of meltdowns vs. Tantrums is soo RIGHT on, so I KNOW you are WELL educated.
CHildren with Asperger's or any other disorder often will behave differently when in a controlled one on one situation
Without anything stimulating their sensory issues.
I am a struggling first year teacher who has TRIED through the past couple years to get him the right help. Diagnosis
Is imperative. I know schools say that diagnosis does NOT drive placement but it sure does.
I'm a special education teacher and a mom who has raised ONE ASD child already who also had coexisting tourette's etc.
Anyhow, I'm struggling to find him a REAL counselor who is familiar with ASD, I was sent to one who instantly in a 20 minute
Appointment said "there is NOTHING wrong with him other than spoiled and needs anger management" WRONG I follow
Through on consequences, I've worked in residential with behavioral
children, and he is my 5th child, this is definitely NOT the issue.
When I asked her too look at the school reports etc. And the
explanations I had she refused to listen any further saying "I don't
care what
The school says, I see NOTHIGN wrong with him" this is after 20 minutes with him!!!!!
For insurance I need a licensed counselor to refer him and to be
seeing him regular in order for him to see a pediatric psychologist.
I had the appointment and went to it and unfortunately insurance and the counselor did not get paperwork in order and NOW
He won't be seen until the end of September when I will be forced to take off work for this. DUE to being a new teacher my
Days off are extremely limited.
DO you have any way of helping find a licensed counselor that is educated in this area?
Thanks for any and all help, he has ransacked classrooms last year during school and here in Las Vegas the ONLY thing that
Prevented legal issues was me being at the school, them calling me in and doing the management of the meltdown....I
Will be in a different school next year and I'm really scared right now and been crying on and off. He DESPERATELY needs
A counselor to help and understand.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark:
Thanks for responding to this so quickly last week. Just thought I would update you.
Our boy did come home that night around midnight.
He was quiet and wanted to go straight to bed and didn't want to hear
from me, re: taking off. I just asked him to come closer so that I could
see if he was clean and sober. In my opinion he was. I just said good
night.
The next day, Saturday,
he acted as if nothing happened. I calmly told him that his 3 day
consequence was starting over. He was mad, and blew me off. While I was
away shopping, he broke into my jewelry box to get his phone charger.
He also found his way into the locked garage and laundry room again.
I
stayed calm as I did not want this to be the issue. To me the issue
was still about compliance in chores, math, job search and being
grounded from everything. His 3 day consequence was to end Tuesday 6:00. He actually did what he was supposed to until Tuesday 4:00.
He left the house to meet his friend. I told him that it was now
starting again. He was furious, but he worked it through, finally, so
his consequence was lifted yesterday.
My husband was out of
town for most of this week, so I was handling him on my own. My husband
came back later in the week so together we told our boy that the next time he leaves without permission he will be locked out of the house.
Thanks
for your help. You don't know how much this means when you are in the
middle of the drama and are not sure what to do next.
We know this is not over, so we are having our locks changed to make sure we can handle the next one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We are a blended family with my husband Paul and his son Tom aged 8
years then my two children Alice 17 years and Sam 13 years old. My
husband died nearly 8 years ago and Paul and I married nearly five
years ago. My husband has aspergers and was diagnosed pretty much the
same time as his son Tom when he was 4 years old so 4 years ago. My
husband struggles ( understandably ) immenmsely with the diagnosis and
any attempts at us attending any counselling either for Tom or
ourselves or for him parenting my children has not worked. Paul has
walked out on one occasion and believes that most therapists are
parasites earning money from people and shouldn't be trusted !! As more
and more challenges arise with Tom I find I am trying to find solutions
to them on my own. Paul will put down any behavioural issues regarding
Tom down to the fact that he is so bright so therefore bored. Tom
hasn''t got friends as he is far too intelligent for them when in fact
Tom is very socially awkward and doesn't know how to make a friend and
he incessantly takes about cars so other children get bored. Paul also
believes when it comes to my children dealing with Tom they should not
get upset when he's aggressive towards them or irritating them and be
less sensitive. Do you have any suggestions that would help ny husband
better understand his son and more accepting of his diagnosis.It is me
that's does all the reading, sees the therapists etc when it should be
both of us. Pauls mother will also not accept Toms diagnosis saying he
is a very bright boy that needs a firm hand !! I therefore feel that I
am managing this on my own. Pauls exwife is very understanding re Tom on
the other hand but Paul has a terrible relationship with her that has
resulted in many trips to court regarding the care of Tom. Any help
would be appreciated.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello
I have just come across your course online.
I am intrigued and desperate at the moment. My son is so rude to me,
disrespectful and angry all the time. He has trouble dealing with normal
teenage disappointments and kicks off whenever things don't go his way.
He has no consideration for me or his sister but is perfectly polite to
others. I feel like he really does just hate me and it does seem to be
all targeted at me and my partner only if he steps in. However reading
about defiant teens and ODD I don't think he has it, he just seems
really angry with me and has no respect. If anything he better fits the
description of an over indulged teen which I read on one of your advice
pages I think.
Thank you
Toni (sad mum)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HI!
I am suspecting that my son who is 14 years old, visually impaired, has Asperger's Syndrome.This observation was done also from one family member in our trip to NY. I am reading more about the syndrome. I have that mother intuition. I always was confused about my son since I blame the part that he is visually impaired. Now that I read more wbsites and had more information about the Asperger's syndrome, I can relate more these characteristics to my son. My son is an excellent student. He finished this year his middle school with the medal of excellence. Next year he will attend High School- IB Programs, which is very strong program.We live in Florida, South West, Cape Coral which is very close to Fort Myers( most of the medical specialists are there). Could you please recommend me a psychologist with experience in this area of SW Florida.
I talked to my son's pediatrician at his annual check up two weeks ago, but he told me that " I do not need another label for my son, there is no cure for that." My son will tremendously benefit of some cognitive behavior therapy. (I am not a psychologist.) My son needs an evaluation and a formal diagnostic first. I called to his pediatrician to ask for a referral for a psychologist.
My son needs some help, I think right now he feels isolation. He is on time to receive help. Two days ago I had a long talk with him, he expressed that he sometimes feels alone.
Thank you so much for your New-letter.I'll be waiting for your answer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We are experiencing very challenging behaviour with my 8 year old that
we are struggling to deal with. At the moment we are finding it
incredibly hard to have any enjoyable conversation with him at the
moment.. He corrects anything or changes the sentence you say to him or
ignores you even though you know he has heard you as he will go and do
what is asked of him without repeating yourself but with a threat of
losing time on computer games or whatever. He constantly interrupts
without really knowing what he is going to say and it is totally
irrelevant to the conversation. He will constantly talk about his cars (
he knows everything about super cars )
He seems to get pleasure out of hurting your feelings by making a joke
or he will say to his dad "you are so fat and ugly " .. his brother "
you are so dumb " He said to his brother the other day I wish you would
die so I could have all of your toys ! He told me he had seen his dad
kissing another woman with long blonde hair like me while we were
waiting for him to come back from the shops while on holiday. ! He seems
to get pleasure from hurting our pets pulling the cats tail and
squeezing it and deliberately opening a fridge door onto the dog who who
was sat by it and didn't make a fuss of it when he hurt it. He kicked
his brother on the stairs while coming down for no reason but when asked
why he did it he said he was testing the airflow underneath his legs.
He will switch the light out on anyone in the bathroom at night or when
saying goodnight to my daughter while she is doing her homework so he
leaves her in the dark.
My husband believes he is behaving in this way as we are not challenging
him mentally and he announced last night that he should have more
responsibility and something special that he can be really good at !! I
fail to see why that would change his behaviour. I also need to
understand why Tom behaves this way and how we can help him as no wonder
he has no friends at school talking to people in this way.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My son has been a huge challenge to get his teeth brushed, bathe,
cut hair, change clothes. When he was younger there was no reward system
he was interested in. He may agree to one, but when it came to
performance he completely cared less. All he cared about was his mom,
and it is pretty hard to take mom away, (single parent). I opted for
force as it was the only way we could get it accomplished. He has grown.
I no longer can pin him down to accomplish the tasks without the house
becoming destroyed. He just is embarking on showing a bit of concern at
some instances, but generally agrees to sit on his bed doing nothing at
all, for as long as it takes if that is the only option to avoid
attending school or what have
you.
He is not diagnosed as of yet, he has been diagnosed
with chronic anxiety.. and separation anxiety. We are approaching
separate beds, (huge other health issues also- vomit in night not wake
up and choke, stop breathing, turn blue and remain sleeping. Also sleep
apnea, and adenoid tonsil blockage unknown for several years causing
asthma attacks/chronic chest and sinus infections.... sleeping together
was to ensure he was ok... literally) with some success.
Any
ideas please for brushing teeth, grooming/hygiene, stopping him from
peeing into the toilet and all over the seat/floor? Hair cutting,
showering.... going to school?
He
is extremely clingy, requests to have hugs or just be touched, and
banters at me constantly no matter where we are. His counsellor
indicates to me I am /have been doing things right, she is an anxiety
counsellor and has mentioned the treatment for Aspergers is different
than the
technique for anxiety. How do you get a child to respond? Be
interested in rewards and the like?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mark,
I am writing you because I don't know where else to go. My son was
diagnosed with adhd and ocd. I have a strong feeling he might have
aspergers. I have an appointment to meet again with a specialist
nuerologist to do more thorough testing on him. It has been really hard
on me lately. I am dealing with eating issues he won't eat sometimes and
picky about what he eats . He read on line about antioxidants know he
limits his food barely eating . He is getting so thin . I am so
depressed about what to do? I feel like I have to watch him constantly
he is not thinking clear. I feel so sad . I am on antidepressants and
suppost to be going to counseling because my doctor knows what I am
going through in trying to diagnose him. I really feel like I am on my
own as I think his dad has traits of the same issues just not as bad.
What can I do for the eating we have been to hospital once for this . I
keep telling them it has to be a developmental issue and to get us help.
I do have a referal I am so happy for that. I am just trying to deal
with it daily it's taking so much out of me I am afraid my healtH is
deteriorating enduring all of these issues.
Please send me some suggestions I really appreciate all you are doing
for us parents. I know he has depression to how can I help him?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Dr. Hutten:
My name is Lynn Ray. My son, Ethan has been diagnosed with PDD. He
is 11 years old and a great kid. His speech consultant, who is on your
email list, I believe, recommended I check out some of your research
because of questions I was asking her. Your research has opened more
questions, if you have a minute.
Here is a quick story. Ethan's teachers and doctors recommended
putting him on medication. I have resisted because I do not understand
the random nature of dispensing chemicals to children with autism.
My son's doctor recommended we consult a specialist who
would recommend medication. The specialist interviewed us both for an
hour and sent the results of our talk back to the doctor. In reading the
results, the doctor
said, "Funny, she didn't recommend any medication. I will be right
back." After 5 minutes, she returned and said, "I consulted with a
colleague in the hall, and we think Ethan should be put on Adderall."
I did not take her recommendation. Five minutes in the hall? Isn't
there a better way to decide if and what medication is necessary when
dealing with children suffering from autism?
Your research on the human brain and its relationship to increased
autism is extremely interesting, especially when you talked about...
"...the idea that certain neurological disorders are
by-products of increases in metabolic capacity and brain size, which
occur during human evolution, has been suggested before, but now
researchers have access to new technical approaches to really put the
theory to the test.
The human brain is unique among all species in its enormous
metabolic demand. If researchers can explain how the human brain
sustains such a tremendous metabolic flow, they will have a much better
chance to understand how the brain works - and why it sometimes
"malfunctions." But is it truly a "malfunction" (i.e., functions badly)?
Or is the human brain on its evolutionary path to "hyper-functioning"
(i.e., functioning above and beyond the norm)?"
This made me wonder whether you have done brain scans on children who
suffer from autism while they are performing tasks, such as video gaming
or computer time?
My son can't sit still for 5 minutes trying on new glasses, but can
spend 12 hours at the computer without breaking a sweat.
Simultaneously, while on the computer, he is watching videos on his TV
(or streaming Netflix), as well as playing his DS (using the computer
occasionally to find you tube videos of the DS game he is playing so
that he can overcome obstacles that are frustrating otherwise), while at
the same time watching movies off the DVR in the other room, while at
the same time being aware of everything going on in the house, and
outside the house.
Hyper-functioning is an apt term, but I would like to see it in
action in my son's brain. That is why I ask if you do scans of
children's brains while they are in full activity mode? Would that help
pinpoint what area of the brain is hyper-functioning? Would that help
figuring out medication? Would that help in pinpointing special areas in which they might excel?
I would be interested in having Ethan participate in any test
studies you may be doing on this topic. As long as he has a computer, he
has endless attention. It would be amazing to actually be able to see
how his brain functions.
If studies like this exist, I would be extremely interested in participating.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello Mark. Many years ago therapists thought that my son might have a
SPD, instead of autism. The line is indeed quite thin between both
disorders, as far as (deficit of) communication goes. Thanks for this
article.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mark, thank you for the email. I am a vocational rehabilitation counselor who is becoming increasingly frustrated with my inability to make headway with folks with aspergers. I have skimmed the guide already and listened to the first of the audio guides. It was very interesting and I already have gotten good ideas. I am going to share your site with every parent of a kid with aspergers who comes in my door. We need people like you who know what you are doing. Our state is miles behind in acknowledging the need for doing things differently, they just make committees to put on conferences and study stuff. One of my providers said “we don’t have time to study, we have to walk with them now”.
I have only skimmed your guide but may be getting back to you on how to assist an individual with aspergers to employment. Any resources you could share now?
Thanks again, I stumbled on your website while I was desperately searching for help and I think I have found a very good resource with you.
Kari L Shea, CRC
Division of Vocational Rehabilitation
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I wanted to send you an e-mail that for the first time. In a LONG,
LONG TIME, I am gaining some hope in dealing with my extremely defiant
16 year old. I purchased the course a few nights ago, and am on
Chapter 1, and MIGHT be seeing some improvement. I started a notebook
tonight and I am going to “practice” situations and responses from him,
so I can be ready. The best thing so far, is the Poker Face. I am good
and doing that for a little bit, but eventually lose my resolve, and
all hell breaks loose.
I am therapy drunk, as you say, and
you make A LOT of sense. He is seeing someone now, but like you state,
with time being so limited, it’s not doing to produce many long lasting
results. He was in the hospital last year for some issues that got out
of hand, and, I was flabbergasted at Cincinnati Children’s Hospital,
for basically telling me he is emotionally much younger, (as you state,
and I do agree with) but their solution was, since I am basically
raising two kids, was to:
Get
a sticker chart( like I haven't already tried that??) and 2. Strongly
suggested a rehabilitation center since was a sick little boy 3. Send
him to a part time outpatient treatment center, (which I did) but
didn’t produce any results at all, and I felt they put the blame on me.
And yet, no one can give me advice on how to manage him and they keep
telling me it’s relational.
As
much as I hated what we were going through, I truly believe he his a
good “kid” and didn’t want to throw him into the system. And, here I
am, thousands of dollars owed, and situation is still intense.
I
have been searching and searching for ways to make this work with him,
but nothing is every really effective. I know I need to make changes,
and I am willing to do that, I just want to find something that WORKS.
I am very willing to put the time in and I intend to do so.
I
have started the notebook to practice role playing and being prepared.
I can’t tell you how many times I have dropped him off at school and
have cried the whole way to work from the verbal abuse. it is going to
help me immensely, to have a support system to turn to and study on a
daily basis.
I
have shut off the phone, taken cable away, cut out the “extras”, tried
hard, hard disciple, and all of it has back fired on me. l do not like
feeling this way about my child, but it’s not a good place for me to be
right now.
I
can’t talk to anyone about this…no one would understand or “get” it.
If anything, the course is a support system for me, which is what I
need. I am a widow and have been for 9 years now. I have tried and
tried to get him to deal with his grief, but he refuses to.
I hope to have good news to report in 4 weeks, or at lease some sort of improvement.
Thank you,
Debbie
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Mr. Hutten;
I am in your social group, but I try not
to talk about certain issues with our grandson there. He can become
very aggressive and goes in to a blind rage at times. My husband is
disabled, and I have some health issues, but I am pretty healthy.
Anyway, during those episodes, my grandson usually grabs me and he hits
me during his rage. I have in the past called the police who usually
calm him down, but at times have sent him to the ER to calm down.
During those times when he is so angry,
he says things like calling me a B, I will kill you, etc. His
psychiatrist told me she doesn't think he means what he says, he is just
so angry, he just blurts things out. This usually happens when he is
caught doing something he shouldn't do, and he doesn't want to be
responsible for his actions. We have been told by previous ABA, to walk
away when he starts getting upset. He doesn't want to talk about it
later, no matter how calm you are, or how much love you show him....and
that you aren't angry with him.
Otherwise, most of the time he is a very
good kid. He prefers to be alone sometimes, and doesn't want to do
things with his friends on the weekend, etc. He sees all of them at
school, and he goes to school year round. We just get stuck at home on
the weekends, because he doesn't want to go out.
Should I be alarmed? What other help does he need, and what are we doing wrong?
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