Mark, I'm curious to why you never had this book published. I just bought the book today and, after browsing through the book, I realized this is what I've been looking for the past 2 years. My son has been struggling in school, especially this year, and I've realized it's mostly due to his teachers not fully understanding children that have AS and how to handle them. We're currently trying to get him an IEP but we've been unsuccessful the past two attempts. We've recently contacted an advocate to assist us. There is plenty of info scattered online but with what I've read so far, I am definitely directing his teachers to your website. This can help them tremendously. Thank you!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello Mark, my son, 23 years old, who graduated from the Art Institute of Fort Lauderdale March/2013. It has been more of a year looking for an internship or an entree level job without response. I am originally from Honduras, worked very hard for a degree in Social Work, graduated from Hunter Graduate School of Social Work and worked both in N.Y. and N.J. where Hector was borned. I noticed Hector was hiperactive and different from other kids around a year old. He was an intelligent child, loved to play with legos and sticks, and was obsessed with certain words, didn't sleep much and ate a lot. We, as parents, tried to motivate reading and participating in community groups, always under supervision. He was a Bear Scout, Tae Kwon Do, tried baseball and football but his eye-hand coordination was not good. When he was 9 to 10 in middle school, 2001 after the World Trade Center was destroyed, the school had a 0 tolerance to violence. Hector was in computer lab and his computer was not working, he mumbled to himself (still talks to himself a lot) something about "exploding" the computer and inmediately the teacher sent him to the principal. My 9 y.o. was "arrested" in the school and two hours later with me present was read the Miranda's Rights. My husband and I were devastated. My son was referred to counseling and was found of no threat to others and was let to return to school 3 or 4 days later. After that incident we decided to move to Dominican Republic, my husband's country of origin. His family helped us settled and started a new life. Hector and I were depressed for a year; I couldn't see that my husband and daughter were also depressed. I am a believer in God's presence in my family life, only my faith sustained me for the years to come cause Hector did not have friends nor was interested in having a social life. My daughter felt embarrassed of his "rare" behavior and made her own social world that did not include his brother. Through the next 6 years till the end of High School I devoted myself to fulfill my son's needs. Iworked as a family therapist, and started to meet people. I got involved in the school life as parent help, met the teachers personally and advocated for my son's special needs as he was bullyied, rejected, accossed for being different (he started to stutter, gain weight, and became silent, only spoke the necessary). I looked for things he showed interest and took him after class to martial arts, boxing, museums, art classes, music classes. In 2005 I became the parents Association President and promoted a school newspaper so that Hector could be the editor and chief and he did it. Writting was his mayor strength in H.S. and a way to have a voice. From the parents association I helped Hector' self-esteem and he gained respect from his classmates and teachers. He was a good student in H.S., got good grades and participated in art, literature, library and teather, activities I had sponsored and gave him a place. Hector's dream was to become a Video Game Designer, I did everything I could and helped him reach his dream. I love my son so much, I would give my life for his happiness and well-being. Now, he lives in Fort Lauderdale, Fl. with his sister, who is working and will move out with her boyfriend. Hector does not want to return to Dominican Republic and we cannot affort to pay for his living alone, nor he is ready to live alone. My family there cannot help me either. I am desesperate, I might need to leave my husband to go live with him and get a job there. Please give me an advice to this situation. All Hector needs is an opportunity to work, maybe, this is the way out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark – thanks so much for you HFA newsletter … it’s been quite the lifesaver for me. My son was diagnosed with HFA at the end of last year (aged 12). I’ve known there was something a little ‘different’ about him for many years, but I put it down to ‘quirkiness’ (probably more for my own peace of mind than anything). He is on the ‘high’ end of the ‘high functioning’ scale.
His progression into the pre-teen years has found him becoming more isolated, with very few friends (only 1 or 2), more aware of his differences and with very low self esteem. For a parent to witness this, is heartbreaking. He has also been diagnosed with DCD. He is aware of the DCD diagnosis, but not the HFA. I haven’t told him yet and am reticent to do so - mainly because I don’t want him to feel even more ‘different’ from his peers than he already does, AND, also because I don’t want him to use it as a ‘crutch’ as to why he ‘can’t do this, or can’t do that’ (I know my boy and he would use this as an excuse). However, the older he gets, the less comfortable I feel about my decision to disclose this.
Having this link (via your newsletter) and reading about what other parents are going through (and identifying with most of it – especially this last letter from the lady who doesn’t know how to effectively discipline her son), has been a real life line for me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mr. Hutten,
I am writing you on behalf of my 20 year old grandson who has Aspergers, although he hasn't officially been diagnosed with it. And this is where the problem begins. He was tested for this, and came out high on the spectrum. So no one will commit to his having Aspergers. He has all the characteristics: doesn't make eye contact, poor communication skills, can't get a job unless his mother gets it for him, flunks college courses even though he has only taken two at a time, unmotivated, etc. The big problem is his lack of motivation. He refuses to take his anti-depressant medicine, too. When he gets angry, he leaves and doesn't come home for a couple of days. Then his mother looks for him. He evidently goes to a friend's house. He recently had a job where he worked very hard, and the managers liked him. However, he was fired after corporate people came and saw that he didn't greet customers. He doesn't do what his mother asks him to do, even though she makes the instructions very clear.
With all of this, he cannot receive help from any Aspergers group, because he hasn't been diagnosed as such. I am afraid his mother is going to have a breakdown with all of this. She is in the middle of a divorce, and the father could care less. He hasn't been around for five years for any period of time, and even if he was, he would close his eyes to this. The boy doesn't want to be like his father. Personally, I think he should go and live with him a while.
So where can the mother go for help with her son? How can he be admitted into the Asperger stream to get help? Even her doctor will not help. She has told different professionals for years that something was wrong with him, and they passed it off as a stage in life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I cannot begin to thank you for extending your invitation of help. Our son is 22, exceedingly gifted, and recently diagnosed with “high functioning Aspergers”. We have painfully watched him attempt college for 4 years and struggle with depression for 5. Reading your book is shedding insights we hope will allow us all to chart a new course. Thanks so much. We will not doubt be in touch.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi, I'm wondering what I can do to see that my child gets an IEP in place rather than a 504. My son has Aspergers and GAD and really struggles socially at school. He does pretty well academically, so they are reluctant to give him the IEP. However, he needs social therapy and I'm told that is only offered through IEP. Any suggestions?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We had our son tested through the school for Aspergers 3 years ago, and as a result he was put on and IEP plan. We have never told him he has Aspergers, and have never indicated his needs are at a level different than others. We tell him everyone has his/her own learning style, and ways of doing things, likes and dislikes, and various reactions to things, etc.
However, at 7, that was more acceptable than at 10, and he is starting to have many questions as he notices he feels and behaves different from the peers in his class. I would like for him to have therapy at a BACA prep center here in Indy, and in order for that to happen, Anthem insurance mandates a clinical diagnosis. We have scheduled this with Dr. Escobar at Peyton Manning Children's hospital April 17th.
My question is -how to tell him...how much detail to go into....to tell him simply about the appointment (what to expect), or why the appointment.... when to tell him, too. I called the hospital, and asked if they had any brochure to read through with your child in preparation , and was told 'no'. I was told Dr. Escobar would talk to us after the testing had been completed and give us his recommendations for therapy.
Knowing my son, he would need to be prepared ahead of time. And, in fact: waaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy ahead of time makes him much more comfortable, usually. However a recent situation makes me hesitant. Help with your thoughts here are greatly appreciated.
I had the same sorts of questions about middle school. Next year, he will leave the 5th grade school he's so comfortable in for a large middle school grades 6-7-8. In 5th grade, children must decide what instrument or if the will do vocal, and that decision will stick for all 3 years. They must also decide in 5th grade what language they will be taking, and that decision will be for all 3 years. The teachers from the middle school will collaborate with the elementary teachers, and bring instruments into the classroom and let the children try them out to help them decide. I know this will be a traumatic and hard thing for my son: the sheer noise alone of children picking up and trying different instruments all at once will be confusing! He will get anxiety knowing whatever he chooses will have to stick with for 3 years.
I decided to start talking to him about the idea of this a couple of weeks ago, to prepare him for it. I was surprised at his reaction. I mentioned very little-but it could not have gone worse! He cried at learning graduation from grade to grade would only make him move to another school. He said he didn't want to go to school anymore if that was the case. He had sharp outbursts of yelling at the top of his lungs phrases which made no sense that he'd seen in one of his favorite cartoons-like "Doh pizza!" He said, "I can't take it anymore, my brain can't take it anymore, or I'm going to shout again." He was very sad, and to the point of throwing-up. It took a long time for him to come out of this, and we haven't mentioned it since. Part of what helped to reassure him to get over it was that we would go visit the school many times this year and next so he could start to get used to it. He seemed relieved each time we told him this. However, I wonder if seeing the school and how different and big it is will throw him into another state like before. I'm worried about it! While I don't want him to live his life in a bubble...I don't want to subject him to too much trauma either.
Please let me know your thoughts on the upcoming appointment and any other thing you care to comment on which you feel could be helpful in both situations.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thank you so very much! I am so thankful for your website. I have been going back to your website daily for almost a year now trying to find answers to help my son. The majority of problems we are having are at school. At home, I have somehow instinctively known what has worked for him since he was born although we were not aware of a "problem" until 2 years ago. School has been a nightmare and continues to be a major source of stress on our family.
The main issue at school is bullying and the school is just not helping much. The "bullies are so discreet in there tactics that the adults in charge do not see it. They only see and hear my son reacting to it. He has many meltdowns due to the bullying itself and often time because the adults do not believe him that this is happening.
The most difficult issue is in the classroom where many of the children are whispering things to him or saying things under their breath. The teacher does not hear these things but my son does. Because the teacher hears nothing, only my son screaming at the kids to stop bullying him, or to leave him alone, or at times has just has enough and goes into meltdown mode due to frustration, my son is the problem and the one who is getting disciplined.
I am hoping you can direct me to some information on your site on how my son really does hear things the teacher does not.
My son can hear things other people do not hear. We have a very big problem here at home. My husband and myself are unable to have any kind of a conversation that we do not want him to hear. We have been in our bedroom at night with him in bed, with our TV on, having a quiet conversation and he has repeated word for word what we have said the next day. It is very frustrating for us, but I know that my child has superman ears and hears things that others do not.
This is an email that I have just received from his teacher and I would like to direct his teacher to your website with as much information as I can. If there is a charge and I have to download certain ebooks please let me know that would be fine.
Ms. D,
M has shown areas of improvement (89% on a recent Math test) but there are still areas of concern.
a) He is constantly paranoid that all students in the class are talking about him and/or trying to get under his skin. He sits alone and the front of the room and during class time no students are speaking to him.
b) M has a tendency to be involved in everyone else's business. He feels that he needs to say something to someone, even though the timing may not be in his best interest. This leads to problems.
c) During class his behavior on his chair is becoming a distraction. He is constantly rocking, spinning on his chair, sitting on his haunches and moving around. This is preventing him from properly completing assignments on time. When directed to remain seated he becomes frustrated.
Please, I would appreciate any help you can give me, especially in regards to the kids saying nasty/mean things about him that only HE can hear.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My son hates me and that kills me. Everyday everything with him is a battle. I try to be nice, I try to be patient and most of the time i am, but sometimes I'm not. The battles aren't pretty even if i am patient. They are still long and drawn out with me saying Jerry, I'm not going to continually repeat myself. I've given you the answer and that is it. He follows me and keeps asking the same question over saying i'm not answering it. If I get him to get away from me then he starts in on his little brother that he hates. Then I have to intervene and protect. I feel like I'm mean to one child in order to protect another one. I can't even get through dinner. I can't stand dinner. I don't want to eat together, it's too stressful. If my younger son says one word at all, Jerry jumps on him calling him, fat, stupid, ugly or whatever he can think of. So then I tell Jerry to leave the table because his behavior is unacceptable and speaking to anyone in that manner is unacceptable. He used to leave when I would tell him to, but now he doesn't. So I took away his computer time and he followed me to the computer and turned it off. I turned it back on and was taking the time slots away and he got extremely mad. I was afraid but did not let him know that. I kept him off it for a week or so and he'll be somewhat okay at dinner, but then he just goes back to being mean to his brother and I can't stand dinner and it's just a vicious cycle that continues. When he is not in my house, the remaining 5 of us have a great time. When he is here, Nick leaves (he can drive), katie goes to her room and Jack cries. No one wants to be anywhere near him. He is just a big jerk that no one can stand. He is 6'2" and weighs 225. He has friends and stays with them on the weekends or goes to a movie with them or meets them somewhere. I don't want to keep him from ANY of that because it punishes the rest of the family. I could write for hours on this. Just not having a good day today. i am reduced to tears today because I just can't take it. He told me yesterday all i do is berate him and call him stupid. Well I have NEVER called him a name so he backed of that one. But I do scream at him "you just don't get it and I can't help you get it" and he said that is berating. Well I don't know what else to do. I am just so frustrated. He does have consequences for his behavior and i follow through. I'm going to do what your Q&A from Thursday suggested. I'm taking away all computer time and if I have a supper time without stress I will give him an hour. two days good and he will get another hour and build it that way. But again that's punishing the rest of us because he is just a jerk who won't be occupied by his computer and we will all feel it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello Mr. Hutton.
I don't know how to start this email. Im a single mother at my wits end. i really dont
know what to do. i was jumping from your homepage to the biography link
to some of your articles for days before i decided to send you an
email. Could you please explain the difference between a child that is a victim of bad parenting and a hfa/asd child?
My son is Nathan, he is a 5.5 year old, in a nutshell:
*
he started saying words at 7 months but never progressed, he would
only say names until around 3 or 3.5 saying 2-3 word phrases. He still
has a severe speech delay (example: only uses he/him/his no she/her/). i
would say he speaks a broken english like a 3-4 year old
* he has temper tantrums that are just ridiculous
.. because i put my boots first and it was his turn, because i forgot
the stones he gave because i moved his toy
*
and the one thing that makes me doubt it is something related to hfa or
asd he is toooooooo social. he could go with the milk man. he just holds
and tells people he just met he loves them. actually this week (new) i
had to literally DRAAAAG him out of a car (two times with two
different people he just met ) because he says he wants to "change home"
( move out) of my house with those people. i know this is silly but
you should see the scene ... and my scratches.
* Nathan was refered to a speech therapist and she
refered him to a multidisciplinary team to asses a pervasive disorder . i
could only afford a psychologist. I have to meet her for the last time
in three weeks. Because of Nathans behavior sometimes i think he is in
the spectrum and sometimes i think he is just a prick. whats the
difference? can you please tell me?
i have a mother and friends telling me he is normal
but i have to spank him,they agree he cant follow a conversation, a
movie storyline,always interrupting (although i am like a broken record
repeating the same thing over and over again,) and maybe the problem is
me. if i am please let me know.. Mr. Hutton i have character, im a
Christian and i truly want the best for my son. i discipline my child. i
dont hit him and i even made a reward chart. please help me. what can i
do to help my son. how do i know if its my parenting?i cant come up
with more ideas/
My Aspie son has sucked me dry. I never say yes to him. I never cheer him up and I never show empathy to him. Nothing he asks me is ever, every appropriate or right except when he asks if he can go somewhere, then I say yes. I never cheer him up because he just tells me to shut up and not to say nice things or compliment him. I have ZERO empathy left. There is none. I have none for him. He is a big JERK that NO ONE in this house wants to be around. I never retract a consequence. I give them out hoping he will feel the pain. The longer I feel he is in pain the better I think it is. All I do is yell at him and argue with him. He listens to NOTHING unless I scream at him - NOTHING. I told him if life is so bad here then get emancipated and i will give him all of his SS money. No luck on that. He checked into it and said it was too hard. I get SS money for him because his dad died from what I would describe as self medicating himself to death because of what was wrong with him - the same gene he passed on to my child. He was 52. And yes he treated Jerry like crap.
I just had to take him to the math tutor and I asked him not to speak to me. He said why. Nothing occurs between him and me but arguments. I told him on the way home if I don't have a stress free dinner, I'm taking away his computer time and he will have to earn it back. He started arguing saying everything is Jack's fault and I never discipline Jack for pissing him off. We pull in the drive and Jerry said see there he is already pissing me off and you expect me to be quiet at dinner if he speaks? No way. Jack was standing on the sidewalk blowing up a balloon. Things like that make Jerry mad everyday. Jack is not allowed to speak where Jerry can hear him or he gets Jerry's wrath. Yes jack does get disciplined and I love them both, but spend more time with jack because I can speak to him. Jerry I cannot without and argument. And I have to spend a fair amount of time protecting Jack from Jerry. He is just a JERK.
He is leaving for a week at the end of May. The rest of us are looking forward to the small reprieve. Maybe I can get enough of a rest to see something positive in him. I have to go now because he took Jack's Ipad and Jack is screaming because he grabbed him. It's freaking nonstop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi! I am the doctoral fellow for the Child and Family Research Group at St. John's University, located in Queens, NY.
Our research group is dedicated to helping families and their young
children struggling with emotional and behavioral challenges. We are
currently running two completely free parenting programs, a 12-session
program and a brief 2-session program, to assist
parents of children between 2-5 years old with behavioral problems.
We were wondering if you would be willing to post about our program on
your Facebook group page for Parenting Defiant Children and Teens, and
possibly post our flyers (attached here) for your group members to see
and use as a resource. We are looking for help
to get the word out to those parents in need. We may be able to offer
this group entirely through virtual meeting software, so that people who
are interested but do not live in NYC could still benefit from the
program.
Thank you! -Michael~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My 7 year old grandson has been diagnosed as
HFA. Four years ago he was diagnosed on
the autism spectrum with as PDD-NOS with Sensory Deprivation Disorder. At that time he had OT and behavioral
therapy. He did very well and they told
my daughter he no longer required their services. Although they continued to have some “issues”
his behavior took a serious “uptick” last July when they moved out of their
home into an apartment while they built a new home. (They are currently still in the
apartment-probably for another two months until their home is completed). Shortly after moving Jack’s meltdowns became
more frequent and of longer duration and he began taking his anger out on my
daughter (and others, on occasion, but primarily on my daughter).
Jack has had many transitions in the recent past…he moved away from his neighborhood into an apartment (and will move again, to a remote location in the country, in two months, although he will stay at the same school), his mother (who was a full time stay at home mom since his birth) returned to school and received her teaching degree in May; Jack transferred to a new school to be at the same school where his mother teaches (he does NOT like going to school, but to be fair, he has never liked going to school and has always rebelled); one of his closest friends at school died in a tragic accident in December.
The following has occurred within the last 4-5 weeks: Jack is currently on medication after attempting to climb off their 3rd story balcony when he made a mistake on a drawing. He is also in OT (his first appointment was last Friday) and is to begin Pragmatic Speech Therapy as soon as possible (we are awaiting the first appointment to be confirmed). He and his parents currently see a psychologist who has worked with children with autism for over 20 years, to help them learn how to deal with what they are experiencing with Jack. Her strategies sound very much like what we read on your website, right down to the use of similar words, etc.
It is heartbreaking to watch and listen to Jack repeatedly take his frustrations out on my daughter. During a meltdown it is not uncommon for him to say he hates her, she is mean, that he will NEVER give her another hug in her whole life, etc. He kicks, hits and attempts to throw anything in his anger. However, the kicking and hitting is being addressed at this time, with some degree of success, but it will take time, I’m sure.
THIS IS OUR IMMEDIATE NEED: Because my daughter is in such pain over how mean Jack is to her and how defeating it is to her mentally, I feel we need help immediately in turning around his tirades against her. I will add that she is a wonderful mother; she and her husband have not EVER raised their voices and Jack has not EVER been spanked in any way. They are loving, nurturing parents. FYI…Jack WILL also on occasion strike out against his Dad and say and do the same things to him, but much, much less frequently than against my daughter. His Dad has never disciplined him and has only recently begun to understand the importance of doing so and NOT coddling Jack during a meltdown or when they have recently been told to turn “robot like”, stay with him but do not try to console him and talk him through the problem, but rather let himself work through the meltdown.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mark,
I came across your website today and am
curious how a school would be able to be listed with you. I have worked
at the Chamberlain International School , a Therapeutic Boarding School,
for the last 30 years in many positions including program director for
22 years. I now do the marketing and program development/outreach. I saw
that you list a number of boarding schools in each state and was
wondering if you might consider us. We are fully licensed and accredited
and I'd be happy to supply you with those documents if you would like. I
also see that Newport Academy is a supporter and wondered if there were
opportunities for other schools such as Chamberlain to do the same.
I
am going to share your website/information with our clinical ,
education and admissions departments so that they are aware of your
services as they are working with our students and their families.
Thank you and best regards,
Sarah Norfleet
Director of Marketing and Program Development
Chamberlain International School
1 Pleasant Street
Middleboro, Ma 02346
617-688-0963
snorfleet@flcis.com
www.chamberlainschool.org
Director of Marketing and Program Development
Chamberlain International School
1 Pleasant Street
Middleboro, Ma 02346
617-688-0963
snorfleet@flcis.com
www.chamberlainschool.org
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mark,
I am writing about my son Ryan who will be 16 next month and has become socially isolated for the last six months. I have a family manager plan on Verizon which sends me a snapshot of numbers that my son calls or texts and that call him. I noticed he has sent texts to his former friends on occasion but they are not texting or calling him back. He keeps everything inside and doesn't talk about what has happened. I do wonder if he may have done or said something that sabotaged his friendships. He has done this in the past and I'm not quite sure why but when he was younger the parents of his friends would tell me things Ryan was doing or saying which drove his friends away. I don't know the parents of the friends he used to hang out with so there is no way I can get information on what happened.
I am concerned about what he may be keeping inside and his self esteem or possible depression. One problem is he doesn't believe that he has ASD and it makes him angry to even have anyone mention it. I feel bad for him and just wish he had someone he could confide in and would accept he does have ASD that affects his social skills.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My
relationship with my son who is an Aspie has been the focal point of
conflict in our family. We have disagreements and verbal altercations
daily. I am not to say much without being contradicted, criticized, and
called names. This makes me angry and the vicious cycle begins anew. I
feel trapped by the circumstances and my own feelings of helplessness
in my inability to improve the situation. I am at my wits end and I
really have no idea what to do.
I obviously love my son and I would like to improve the situation
for both our sakes as well as the sake of the entire family. But I Just
don't know how.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mark,
The behaviour described in this 'ad' is my 14 yo girl to a 't'. I love my girl so much. We live alone together now, since her gorgeous big sister moved out, and the 14 yo and i moved interstate together two months ago. She didn't want to live near her dad anymore because his girlfriend is quite cruel to her, and her dad seemed to want to see her less. She was bullied at her previous school, escalating with a rape threat 'prank' phone call. I broke up with my fiancé whom she loved, in September/October, and she has been grieving for him. Also, her beloved cat ran away while we were interstate house hunting.
Also, I have recently started dating again, a man whom she calls a 'pedo'. She's extremely upset about me dating again. She asked me to stop full time studies this year, which I did.... As I want to support her more; she is so unhappy, uptight, bitter. At the new school she's moved through 8 social groups... Now she's befriending older kids - who want her to do odd things like meet up at a notorious drug dealing suburb, meet suddenly at the local McDs with no prior warning etc etc.
She is more defiant with me than she has ever been, says some desperate and vulnerable things on Facebook, and holes up in her room for hours with the phone and iPad.
I want to take her out to enjoy this new city, but lost my car keys almost as soon as we moved here, consequently, every trip out is massive - mastering the public transport system, arguing over where to go, as all she seems to want to do is shop for clothes and things, for which I have very little money. We used to have lovely mother daughter dates at cafes; she used to love snuggling to me as I read her books at night, we visited the gallery for classes and exhibitions, but I can't force her to do the lovely old things can I.....?
My ideas for when she gets back consist of trips out for the best gelato in town, trips to the local deco cinema, marketing on Sunday afternoons at a local market.... I so want to connect with her, but it so hasn't been happening! The closest I've felt to her is when we started church together here, and when we watch Bates' Motel or a suspenseful movie together. I've made sure we moved close to extended family so she'd have lots of loving. This is working to a degree, but even her doting aunt is becoming a little disenchanted.
Do you have any suggestions? Do you think I should drop the boyfriend until she's more stable? (He has aspies too and has been incredibly supportive to me but a little weird as well). I am concerned re her fear and dislike of him, but worry that asking her about it will give her too much power to choose, which might be unhealthy for her. The guy was checking her FB photos the other day, because he was concerned about an immodest one, and asked that I remove it! )
I would love your suggestions Mark, as I mean so well, but feel way off track in mothering her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mark,
The behaviour described in this 'ad' is my 14 yo girl to a 't'. I love my girl so much. We live alone together now, since her gorgeous big sister moved out, and the 14 yo and i moved interstate together two months ago. She didn't want to live near her dad anymore because his girlfriend is quite cruel to her, and her dad seemed to want to see her less. She was bullied at her previous school, escalating with a rape threat 'prank' phone call. I broke up with my fiancé whom she loved, in September/October, and she has been grieving for him. Also, her beloved cat ran away while we were interstate house hunting.
Also, I have recently started dating again, a man whom she calls a 'pedo'. She's extremely upset about me dating again. She asked me to stop full time studies this year, which I did.... As I want to support her more; she is so unhappy, uptight, bitter. At the new school she's moved through 8 social groups... Now she's befriending older kids - who want her to do odd things like meet up at a notorious drug dealing suburb, meet suddenly at the local McDs with no prior warning etc etc.
She is more defiant with me than she has ever been, says some desperate and vulnerable things on Facebook, and holes up in her room for hours with the phone and iPad.
I want to take her out to enjoy this new city, but lost my car keys almost as soon as we moved here, consequently, every trip out is massive - mastering the public transport system, arguing over where to go, as all she seems to want to do is shop for clothes and things, for which I have very little money. We used to have lovely mother daughter dates at cafes; she used to love snuggling to me as I read her books at night, we visited the gallery for classes and exhibitions, but I can't force her to do the lovely old things can I.....?
My ideas for when she gets back consist of trips out for the best gelato in town, trips to the local deco cinema, marketing on Sunday afternoons at a local market.... I so want to connect with her, but it so hasn't been happening! The closest I've felt to her is when we started church together here, and when we watch Bates' Motel or a suspenseful movie together. I've made sure we moved close to extended family so she'd have lots of loving. This is working to a degree, but even her doting aunt is becoming a little disenchanted.
Do you have any suggestions? Do you think I should drop the boyfriend until she's more stable? (He has aspies too and has been incredibly supportive to me but a little weird as well). I am concerned re her fear and dislike of him, but worry that asking her about it will give her too much power to choose, which might be unhealthy for her. The guy was checking her FB photos the other day, because he was concerned about an immodest one, and asked that I remove it! )
I would love your suggestions Mark, as I mean so well, but feel way off track in mothering her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am (probably) an aspie and a mother of four. I homeschool now, partly because my oldest DS (12) has struggled socially in various other school environments. Montessori, public, and parochial...he has flourished academically but his friend situation is always the same story. He has even failed to keep homeschool friends. I assume that you will tell me your ebook about teaching social skills will help me help him. Is this true in our homeschool? Is this true if I am indeed an aspie myself? Also, could you point me to the way to learn how write "social stories"? I will be needing them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just wondering if there are any books or literature which focuses on older kids or young adults with Asperger's. I have a 16 yr old grandson who was not diagnosed with Asperger's until last year. He is very bright. He also has a 19 yr old sister, who was never officially diagnosed, however, several of her former teacher's when they heard of her brother's diagnosis commented they suspected she had this problem as well. We are having a very hard time transitioning her to young adulthood. Do you know of any help for us. My daughter is alone with her children and recently lost her job after 17 yrs in part due to the insurance liability these kids create. There are lots of problems and not much money to help deal with them. Thanks for any advice you might be able to share.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Writing to you for some advice. I'm still confused if that is what My partner has. He has a very hard time to read me and I often have to explain what I would like to hear to make me feel better. I have so many examples... Still I want to think he is just emotionally imature.
My partner often makes hurtfull jokes about me and when I'm hurt he is always annoyed and tell me I have no humor. He never knows when to stop. Is this something you would call asberger like? Because I dont't know if someone with asperberger even would be able to be ironic (jokes if you ask him). He also sometimes ask me whats on my mind. Does Aspbergers even ask things like that? But maybe this is something he has learned? As I Said I also have A LOT of examples that would speek for a clearly asberger diagnose. Maybe I just dont't want to realise.. Also he has many friends, but he rarely wants to meet them, but many seems to keep in touch with him. How can I know? When I talked to him about it he was angry and after a while he Said that it could be me that has it instead...because he think I'm illogical that always overreact..
He has bad memory, no feeling about time, and extremly bad imagination. We can never talk about the future. He can't picture it. I am confused. And really hope he doesn't has it! But something is so wrong and leaves me in a confused state of mind. He is always on his way, very busy. Never take initiative to do anything together. Except when it comes to restore our house, which I also like. But for him it's everything to "work with his body", he also do restoring for a living. He tell this makes him focus on one thing and he can easily do this Every day in week (wich he does). I have often wondered why he even need me to be there. He never wants to go on vaccation. When we was on vaccation at Bali three years ago (I convinced him to go) he walked three meters in front of me the first days (when going to the beach or resturant) until I told him it feels rude.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband and I are dealing with our 17 year-old son, Tristan, who has Aspergers. In reading the assignment for week one, we're going to tell him we love him every night (I do this every morning and every night anyway) and we're going to have family dinners. We already do that every night too and we always go around the table and let everyone say the best/worst things that happened to them that day.
We need to work on Fair Fighting. Also, we took away our son's driving privilege for a month starting March 27 because he wouldn't get up on time in the morning. In your book, you say that 3 days is enough. He hasn't changed the behavior that made us take away the privilege. Do we continue on with it? Tristan suggested interim rewards if his behavior changed because he said that a month was too long for him to be motivated. He used video games as an analogy. He said that if the game designer waited until the very end of the game to reward the player, then there's a high probability of the player quitting. Most games offer small rewards if the player does things right along the way. We agreed and said that if he got up on time 3 out of 4 mornings in a row, then he could drive the car on the 5th day. That worked the first week and since then it hasn't.
Maybe I'm trying to change too many behaviors at once? The rules were:
1. Text mom by 7:00 am and tell her you're awake.
2. Be downstairs, fully dressed, backpack packed, shoes on by 7:20 am to eat.
3. Be in the car, buckled and ready to go by 7:30 am.
If he failed at any of those three then I considered it a total failure.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Can you recommend any support resources for adults with Asperger's syndrome?
Today I very much appreciated discovering the resources you provide to parents of children and teens with Asperger's, and your insights would have been invaluable to me in working with my daughter when she was younger.
However, she's 37-years old now and, in spite of completing college and holding down a job for over 2 years, she is now unemployed again and is still struggling with basic life skills (housing, relationships, etc.).
Although my daughter is not currently living with me, I just now purchased your course "Launching Adult Children" in the hope that it might provide some additional insights into how best to support her at this stage in her adult life -- and, if there any other general recommendations you can provide (books, web sites, etc.) I would be most grateful.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I really appreciate your
newsletter and have learned so much from it. I have been married to my
husband for 35 years and have just discovered recently that he has
Aspergers. It's embarrassing that it's taken me so long to understand
that he hasn't been trying to annoy me in certain ways all these years!
If only I'd known earlier, I could have been a much better wife. :(
My background is in elementary education so I'm particularly amazed that
I didn't "get it" sooner. I am much more appreciative of his
incredible abilities and talents and compassionate concerning other
areas. My question is whether I should say anything to my adult
children. Since they're in their 20's it seems it would be helpful for
them to know why they're so gifted in areas and struggle in other
areas. I have not seen this topic discussed in your newsletter yet and
look forward to hearing your insights.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
QUESTION:
We have been married for 28 years. My husband was often highly critical and verbally abusive for the first 26 years. I did not know how to handle the onslaughts and became withdrawn and highly resentful. In the last 2 years I came to understand that his attacks were not personal and developed a system of nonviolent/noncooperation - staying calm and not taking the bait, while refusing to interact with him when he was being aggressive. This has worked wonders and the criticism and verbal abuse has stopped.
Hi Mark,
At the time I downloaded the ebook, I simply had a
suspicion... we now have an ASD diagnosis, although I feel like its so
late for him... and it took him falling into a depression, panic attacks
and an full blown eating disorder to get us there...(Depression has
improved greatly with therapy, and panic attacks are either gone, or he
is controlling them) I was wondering, have you any experience with
autism spectrum and eating disorders? Also, I have a kid who is very
high functioning and genius level smart, but suffers from pretty bad
anxiety...scared to learn to drive a car (took two lessons and basically
became totally freaked out) and I am pushing him to try to get a job to
try to raise his self esteem, and pushing it IS... Any advice? At 17
1/2 its a tricky situation, but I want him to be independent and he
definitely has that ability if he can get past his anxieties... As all
his counselors say, Zack is pretty complicated with these co-existing
conditions... Thanks for any direction you can send me...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just wondering if there are any books or literature which focuses on older kids or young adults with Asperger's. I have a 16 yr old grandson who was not diagnosed with Asperger's until last year. He is very bright. He also has a 19 yr old sister, who was never officially diagnosed, however, several of her former teacher's when they heard of her brother's diagnosis commented they suspected she had this problem as well. We are having a very hard time transitioning her to young adulthood. Do you know of any help for us. My daughter is alone with her children and recently lost her job after 17 yrs in part due to the insurance liability these kids create. There are lots of problems and not much money to help deal with them. Thanks for any advice you might be able to share.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mark,
I have just found your website which is
fantastic. . . I am in the very difficult situation of having a 5 year
old son with HFA (& epilepsy) a 3 year old daughter with Poly
Juvenile Arthritis whom I hope does not have ASD and a husband whom I
believe does have ASD. . . I lost my job because I needed to care for
my children and in addition I have Rheumatoid Arthritis. Yes, as you
state often happens, our marriage is failing, and I can't see how I can
care for our two children and their special needs by myself. My husband
finds it extremely difficult to cope with our son's challenging
behaviour and his responses tend to escalate the challenging behaviour,
then I have to intervene and hubby is openly
rude and unpleasant to me. We have only one friend who will
occasionally look after our son as his challenging behaviour can be so
severe. Our son's challenging behaviour often occurs mainly thru being
told not to do something, or being asked to do something he doesn't want
to do. (He is extremely defiant.) At other times the reason is not so
obvious!
The main reason I am writing is that
my son's behaviour can be so dangerous to himself and others, in the
last couple of weeks I have had a hard cup full of water thrown in my
face (2 black eyes for me) he was happily throwing large stones into the
sea ( no one nearby) then as he & my friend were leaving the beach
he suddenly threw a large stone up in the air, which came straight down
and hit him on the head (ambulance called but he was assessed and did
not need hospital treatment). Then when I took him to the toilet in
a café he
ran out just as I was about to use the toilet myself, I heard a huge
crash and dashed to open the door to find that he had climbed up on a
huge weighing machine and it had toppled over on top of him - he was
very lucky, no serious injury.
He is
fascinated by sticks, he picks them up and then pokes people with them,
or hits them with them sometimes intentionally and sometimes just
because he is just waving it around and is not aware of others around
him. He picks up things he finds on the street, he once picked up a
brick someone had used to wedge a door open and was about to throw it
but I managed to stop that just in time. But now he is stronger and
quicker than me, he often doesn't seem to respond to the "no hitting"
"no throwing" and every environment has things in that can be thrown!
Today
it was picking up sticks (and a huge chunk of
wood/log at one point) and poking, hitting dad with them, leading to
meltdown in a public park and me trying to keep him away from his
father. We know he needs a safe space but if we are out with him this
is not always possible - what should we do? We have to go out with him
and of course some of the time he is a lovely bright child who enjoys
doing lots of different things and he is literally climbing the walls if
we don't get him out and about doing things. There is so much I want
to ask but I am exhausted and need to get some sleep! Please are you
able to offer me any advice about what to do, as I am worried that he or
someone else is going to get seriously hurt.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Writing to you for some advice. I'm still confused if that is what My partner has. He has a very hard time to read me and I often have to explain what I would like to hear to make me feel better. I have so many examples... Still I want to think he is just emotionally imature.
My partner often makes hurtfull jokes about me and when I'm hurt he is always annoyed and tell me I have no humor. He never knows when to stop. Is this something you would call asberger like? Because I dont't know if someone with asperberger even would be able to be ironic (jokes if you ask him). He also sometimes ask me whats on my mind. Does Aspbergers even ask things like that? But maybe this is something he has learned? As I Said I also have A LOT of examples that would speek for a clearly asberger diagnose. Maybe I just dont't want to realise.. Also he has many friends, but he rarely wants to meet them, but many seems to keep in touch with him. How can I know? When I talked to him about it he was angry and after a while he Said that it could be me that has it instead...because he think I'm illogical that always overreact..
He has bad memory, no feeling about time, and extremly bad imagination. We can never talk about the future. He can't picture it. I am confused. And really hope he doesn't has it! But something is so wrong and leaves me in a confused state of mind. He is always on his way, very busy. Never take initiative to do anything together. Except when it comes to restore our house, which I also like. But for him it's everything to "work with his body", he also do restoring for a living. He tell this makes him focus on one thing and he can easily do this Every day in week (wich he does). I have often wondered why he even need me to be there. He never wants to go on vaccation. When we was on vaccation at Bali three years ago (I convinced him to go) he walked three meters in front of me the first days (when going to the beach or resturant) until I told him it feels rude.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband and I are dealing with our 17 year-old son, Tristan, who has Aspergers. In reading the assignment for week one, we're going to tell him we love him every night (I do this every morning and every night anyway) and we're going to have family dinners. We already do that every night too and we always go around the table and let everyone say the best/worst things that happened to them that day.
We need to work on Fair Fighting. Also, we took away our son's driving privilege for a month starting March 27 because he wouldn't get up on time in the morning. In your book, you say that 3 days is enough. He hasn't changed the behavior that made us take away the privilege. Do we continue on with it? Tristan suggested interim rewards if his behavior changed because he said that a month was too long for him to be motivated. He used video games as an analogy. He said that if the game designer waited until the very end of the game to reward the player, then there's a high probability of the player quitting. Most games offer small rewards if the player does things right along the way. We agreed and said that if he got up on time 3 out of 4 mornings in a row, then he could drive the car on the 5th day. That worked the first week and since then it hasn't.
Maybe I'm trying to change too many behaviors at once? The rules were:
1. Text mom by 7:00 am and tell her you're awake.
2. Be downstairs, fully dressed, backpack packed, shoes on by 7:20 am to eat.
3. Be in the car, buckled and ready to go by 7:30 am.
If he failed at any of those three then I considered it a total failure.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My marriage of 24 years recently failed due to a combination of things, one of them being my husband not being emotionally invested in the kids (denial). I parented alone for 16 years with two very challenging behaviours. My 16 year old is low intellect with anger management issues and my oldest (now 18) has a PDD diagnosis (high functioning autism/aspergers). In addition to this my oldest has a diagnosis of Attachment Disorder. She seems to be drawn to people who don't care about her. Like many kids in the autism spectrum she doesn't like to be touched.
My concern has always been safety for my girls. Because the oldest doesn't recognize her own feelings; it's hard to recognize when there is intent to harm her. She has been sexually exploited and bullied. The police aren't helpful because she has a high intellect and she is of the age of consent. What I am now searching for is a means for her to be empowered to say 'no.' I don't have wifi and neither of my girls can carry cel phones or iPods. My psychologist has said that giving kids like mine electronic cyber devices is like dropping them off in a bad area of the city on a Saturday night. My autism spectrum child needs to learn to use assertive communication and recognize ill intent.
Can you recommend any support resources for adults with Asperger's syndrome?
Today I very much appreciated discovering the resources you provide to parents of children and teens with Asperger's, and your insights would have been invaluable to me in working with my daughter when she was younger.
However, she's 37-years old now and, in spite of completing college and holding down a job for over 2 years, she is now unemployed again and is still struggling with basic life skills (housing, relationships, etc.).
Although my daughter is not currently living with me, I just now purchased your course "Launching Adult Children" in the hope that it might provide some additional insights into how best to support her at this stage in her adult life -- and, if there any other general recommendations you can provide (books, web sites, etc.) I would be most grateful.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
QUESTION:
Our 12 yr old son is facing problems
with the new Common Core Curriculum implemented this year. He is in Middle
School and is being asked to use critical thinking skills in all of his
classes, especially during testing. We are very upset and have expressed our
concern with his school that this new curriculum is not fair for those on the
autism spectrum. Nick is an excellent student, does not have behavioral issues,
but when it comes to critical thinking and thinking “outside the box”, it is
very difficult for him. Any suggestions?
ANSWER:
Share the link above with the
teacher. Your son can probably do well with critical thinking skills if it were
taught using visual techniques. He is probably a visual learner mostly. Visual
Thinking Strategies (VTS) is perhaps the simplest way in which teachers can
provide students with key behaviors sought by Common Core Standards: thinking
skills that become habitual and transfer from lesson to lesson, oral and
written language literacy, visual literacy, and collaborative interactions
among peers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello Mark,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi
Mark,
I
am just putting a burst of time and money into learning more about Aspies and
helping others. I am 68, but still a very healthy body and
sharp mind. I will live to over 90. At 54 I married a beautiful filipina of 23, had a girl, then a boy.
At 6, Chris (now 11) was diagnosed for sure as
Aspergers, when teachers ALL told me he just "froze" at school in
every subject. Everybody said we can't change it. I did not
believe that.
At
9, I pulled him out of school for ever, and started home-schooling him myself.
Luckily, I can teach physics, chemistry, biology, maths, English, French and
German to age 18 or more. We both love that, and he is zooming ahead, 2 or 3
years ahead of school now.
Loads
of reading showed me that my wife (his mother) is also a severe Aspie, showing
dozens of "meltdowns", telling wild lies, and utterly "in
denial" She is a disastrous mother, and has never given the kids one
minute since they were 2 and 3. A year ago, she ran away, very deranged. That
made no difference to any of us, to be honest.
Then
I saw all the symptoms in my daughter Cath, now 12, so my burden is immense. i
am very very strong; I can handle all this.
I
feel so energised by my experiences, that I want to go back to UK, maybe
Sheffield, with the kids, and create a FREE mini-school at home for 6 or more
Aspies. I will teach all the major subjects. The mums (a few dads?) must
do things: 5-a-side football, walking, camping, cycling, hostels, caravans,
quizzes, competitions, paining, drawing, cooking and baking, parties,
model-making .... all to develop INTERACTIVE skills, friendship,
communications,teamwork. I am confident we can overcome their problems, and all
enjoy it immensely.
I
have one BIG question for you. Clearly, with my
wife (ex?) showing intense hatred of all 3 of us, never even feeding us,
speaking, listening or joining in anything, plus my daughter locked in
her room, no friends in her life, doesn't want any, very unhappy, my son very
distressed when there are more than 2 strangers in the room (2 is OK, 3 maybe,
4 uncomfortable, 5 or more = "help!" Girls better than boys,
young better than old, known better than unknown, outside much better than
inside) which made school impossible.
After
all these years of pain, my question is: All 3 are very distressed by having
PEOPLE near them, although they show it in different ways. So despite all our
knowledge of details, is it possible that ....... "THIS IS THE ONLY
PROBLEM" ???? When alone, all 3 are perfectly happy, and perform
brilliantly in every way. My son is absolutely transformed by the addition or
removal of people in/out of his room. There is NO PROBLEM AT ALL with my 3
people, until other PEOPLE walk in.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In my son's case, he's 24 and the idea of having friends (even if they
are heroin addicts that are using him for his money and his place), is
greater than his desire to get sober. He's been kicked out of every AODA
treatment center in the area because they don't take him seriously. He
continues to hold a job and pay rent on an efficiency so I don't really
think it's about the addiction as mush as it is his Aspergers
(undiagnosed). Last night he and two others (also addicts) got into a
car accident and were taken to the hospital (my son called me
"inappropriately" laughing from the ambulance). He came out with a
concussion, whiplash, and stitches. As soon as he got out of the
hospital he called me begging for money, which I didn't give him. My 20
yr old son is also a recovering addict, but
went through the system with success. He was giving them a ride home
from the hospital when he stopped and ran into a place to grab some
food, apparently they hooked up and did it right there in the car. My
son came back out to the car and found the driver of the accident
turning purple from too much heroin. They finally revived him. It was
the 4th time my 20 yr old (non-asp) has witnessed a near-death overdose
since September of 2013. It scared him straight, but not my aspie. I don't know how to save my son. Using heroin
makes him feel normal like everyone else. Its hard to talk someone out
of that when they have struggled their entire life to fit in.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
QUESTION:
We have been married for 28 years. My husband was often highly critical and verbally abusive for the first 26 years. I did not know how to handle the onslaughts and became withdrawn and highly resentful. In the last 2 years I came to understand that his attacks were not personal and developed a system of nonviolent/noncooperation - staying calm and not taking the bait, while refusing to interact with him when he was being aggressive. This has worked wonders and the criticism and verbal abuse has stopped.
The challenge now is the affairs.
He was initially terribly shy with women and he never even kissed a
girl until he was married. His first wife left him. He was highly
critical and verbally abusive towards her, although he claimed he never
did anything and it was all her fault. I was the second woman he was
every with. For the first ten years he was resentful that I was there
and not his first wife and made sure I knew it. Things were exacerbated
with having 9 children and he had a career that demanded being in front
of large crowds. There were good times as well and we did many unusual
projects together like publishing books and establishing Hindu temples
in California.
Myself and the children grew to
loath being around him because of the lectures, tongue lashings and
arrogance. Things got really ugly. I could hardly stand the sight of
him, yet, spent evenings with him in his private studio away from the
noise of the house, because he would become much worse if I ignored him.
I became numb trying to dealing with his aggression. I stayed because
of the children. He threatened to take the children if I left and I was
afraid of him exacting his cruelty on them without me to buffer it. He
was gone 4 days out of the week and when he was around we just kept our
mouths shut and tolerated things because we knew he would be gone soon.
When
all the children left for college, I was preparing to leave. One of his
mistresses emailed me about his affairs. I was shocked as I had assumed
he was too shy and boyish to ever do such a thing. He claimed he loved
me and did not want to lose me. He claimed it was nothing and had ended
long ago. I came to find out he was still involved physically with at
least one person and emotionally with several others at the same time.
He never stopped interacting with any of them unless they left him.
This
pattern of claiming there is no one else and he wants to mend things
with me yet he maintains the other life without skipping a beat has gone
on for the last 3 years. He compartmentalizes his life with me, and his
life with the girls. He sees nothing wrong with what he is doing. He
thinks everything is my fault because I am so withdrawn.
Why
do I stay? I have realized that I am highly codependent and am working
on myself. Whether I stay or go is irrelevant at this point because I
will just pick up where I left off if I do not cure myself. This is a
personal growth for me and I am setting up a business to help people
deal with aggressive verbal situations as I have.
ANSWER:
RE: Why do I stay?
I don’t know for sure, but here are a few of the reasons why some women choose to stay with a cheating husband:
I nearly always recommend that the wife leave a cheating husband (unless it was a one-time mistake). Choosing to leave, or to stay with a cheating husband is a very personal matter. Some women will make a spur the moment decision the minute they find out about the affair. For other women, whether to stay or leave is a carefully thought-out decision in which many factors have been taken into consideration.
ANSWER:
RE: Why do I stay?
I don’t know for sure, but here are a few of the reasons why some women choose to stay with a cheating husband:
•
Bad timing
•
Belief that it won’t happen again
•
Convenience
•
Desire to keep the family intact
•
Fear of being alone
•
Fear of change
•
Financial reasons
•
For the sake of the children
•
Hoping counseling will help
•
Insufficient proof of infidelity
•
Love
•
Low self esteem
•
Loyalty
•
Not willing to give up lifestyle
•
Religious beliefs
•
Thinking the cheater will change
•
To achieve career goals
I nearly always recommend that the wife leave a cheating husband (unless it was a one-time mistake). Choosing to leave, or to stay with a cheating husband is a very personal matter. Some women will make a spur the moment decision the minute they find out about the affair. For other women, whether to stay or leave is a carefully thought-out decision in which many factors have been taken into consideration.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi I found your u tube information very helpful. A large part of my husband and everything you described from the wife was me.
I
have tried everything. At times I thought he was Bi polar because of
what I refer to as man-trums, and everything down to being verbally
abusive when I try, if I press about any emotional things it turns into
being all my fault and he takes no responsibility at all for anything
he does, He had a nasty upbringing. But nothing I have done including
the 'wonderful' marriage counseling did anything. I feel so worn out.
If I wait 3 years I will be married 10 yrs ( I have know him 10 yrs)
then I will be entitled to alimony if it comes to that. He refuses to
go back to counseling, he has a very explosive temper to make things
worse. I have hidden any stressors from him and take of them as I can
in order to not rock to boat. Any problems he just cannot deal with
rationally, he just freaks out. If My son (not his son) has a problem
at school then my husband becomes belligerent.
This is a private email, he watches my other email, if I read a book about any kind of disorder, in the past like Bi polar.... he flips out, so I have to hide the books, Money-- he has to control it all, does not want me to have it or a separate account of my own, so if I spent money I have to answer to him. So when I use money it is in cash, not ATM. So stupid right? Who lives like this?
Will not let me finish my college degree, fights me
on working out, because it will cost money and is super obsessive over
his job and any project he does around the house is done to the last
final detail, which can be good but doing it over and over until
perfectly perfect. I don't know what else to do, he refuses
any treatment. I am exhausted.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The added complication is that despite the fact that we moved away to be nearer to his lovely close family, and give our kids a sense of having a broader family, he still needs to travel back to the US monthly to maintain a small business there. At first it was unbelievable - many months he would be gone 3 weeks, here 2 weeks, leaving me to deal alone with adjusting my kids to school in a new language (note the oldest has Aspergers and the other two have speech retrieval issues that we didn't know about until we moved). We have had many arguments on the phone, so we found that sms and email work best to deal with the many tasks and kid issues we need to discuss, which really means minimal contact when he is away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi I found your u tube information very helpful. A large part of my husband and everything you described from the wife was me.
This is a private email, he watches my other email, if I read a book about any kind of disorder, in the past like Bi polar.... he flips out, so I have to hide the books, Money-- he has to control it all, does not want me to have it or a separate account of my own, so if I spent money I have to answer to him. So when I use money it is in cash, not ATM. So stupid right? Who lives like this?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mark Hutten, the information and insight you impart is fascinating, and totally
rings true for me. I'm in a very complicated situation and maybe you
can advise me on next steps. My husband was always cool and
independent, and there was a concern about his lack of involvement once
the kids came, but it wasn't until we moved overseas to Israel 4 years
ago with 3 young kids that things really began to spiral out of control.
Needless to say, we are currently in the resentment/anger stage.
The added complication is that despite the fact that we moved away to be nearer to his lovely close family, and give our kids a sense of having a broader family, he still needs to travel back to the US monthly to maintain a small business there. At first it was unbelievable - many months he would be gone 3 weeks, here 2 weeks, leaving me to deal alone with adjusting my kids to school in a new language (note the oldest has Aspergers and the other two have speech retrieval issues that we didn't know about until we moved). We have had many arguments on the phone, so we found that sms and email work best to deal with the many tasks and kid issues we need to discuss, which really means minimal contact when he is away.
To make matters worst, when he is with us, he now needs to maintain a home office, and often spends the entire evening (4pm to 1am
to be exact) in contact with the US office. In fact, he will slip away
to his office whenever he gets a spare moment now, even on Saturdays
when the office is closed (since he has so much paperwork). This means
he can never just "hang out" - too him its just a waste of time. When
he is in the US he works himself to the bone, no dinners with old
friends, just work work work, so that when he arrives back here he is
completely exhausted as well as jet-lagged and unable to help out much.
Although many things have worked out nicely here, our relationship has
taken a total nosedive. He talks about wanting to be with me and the
kids, but the whole time he seems to be just fine with the arrangement,
certainly not frustrated like me. Talk of returning to the US is always
met by him tuning me out.
After
14 years of marriage I am about to call it quits. I have simply had
enough. However your document is making me feel like maybe there is a
very small chance.
I have two questions:
1)
How does one deal with resentment when a big part of the reason for
the resentment is still going on? What I mean is, if staying in Israel
means EVERYTHING to him,
yet it forces me to deal with so many extra burdens all alone and with minimal emotional support, how can this be forgiven
?
Do I forgive just because he is incapable of understanding what he is doing? Doesn't that make me a co-dependant somehow?
2) Where and when do you have LWAP workshops? New York or Toronto can possibly work for us, depending on timing.
Thanks for the valuable work that you do! Your resources for my son as
well are incredible and I am passing the word around to other parents
here.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello
I came across your name whilst browsing the web, I
have a 12 year old son who has been displaying oppositional behaviour
which has got steadily worse in the last 2 years. recently we have been
seeing a consultant paediatrician on the NHS (we live in UK).
This consultant has met with my son a few times, in his office. my
son has been well behaved and calm on these visits, so the doctor only
has the information I have given him as to what happens at home.
basically what we seem to have is a boy who is perfectly well
behaved at school, academic and good at maths, science, most other
subjects, and getting good grades, he is polite and quiet at school with
a few friends but not many.
at home he arrives back from school and all hell lets
loose. he rages, tantrums over the smallest things and rocks back and
forth on his chair, punching himself in the head.
I
have sought help from our local family doctor, who originally referred
us to the consultant, but no diagnosis has yet been made, though the
consultant did say that Joseph (my son) shows "traits of having Asperger
syndrome" he told my husband and I that he is reluctant to put a
"label" on the child in case it might harm him later in life eg when he
applies for a job. I find this attitude stinks.
What I am desperate for are answers, how should we be
parenting him? my husband has an old school approach and disciplines
Joseph when he is having these outbursts at home. He tells him to stay
in his room or puts him in the garden for 10 minutes. I on the other
hand believe that if I try to calmly talk to him about his fears and ask
him what is the matter, he does calm down.
Joseph worries a LOT about school and is always scared that he will get a detention.
he often forgets to do homework.
he
also forgets to shower or brush teeth in the morning. at the age of 12
we still have to have a timetable pinned to his bedroom wall but he
ignores it.
Joseph gets irritated when I ask him in the morning
"have you brushed teeth / done hair / etc etc" and this sets off another
rage.
I am at the end of my tether... I don't
know what to do and now our younger son aged 4 is copying Joseph's
behaviour. I sometimes wish I had some respite, some where for Joseph
to go for a night or two, or a helpline number to call when he is very
violent and hurting himself.
I realise that you are in the US and I'm in the UK but are there any strategies I can try ?
also, we do not have any medication for Joseph, but maybe I should ask the doc? what do Asperger kids usually take?