Dear Mark
I came across your site by accidental. But
it is god send. I have a teenager with asperger and it is indeed a
trying period. i find solace when I read your articles. It gives me a
ray of hope.
Kind Regards
Mariah
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Dear Mr. Hutton, I am writing to you from Yamaguchi, Japan. I am an 32 year old American woman living and working here in Japan. My husband (37) and I have been married for almost nine years but separated for the last two. We have two children together. For the last few years I have intently been trying to figure out a solution to my marriage. I bought your ebook several weeks ago and it has been quite helpful. Thank you so much. I do have some questions, however, that seem to be unique to our case. I apologize that this might me a long email, but I don't know what will and will not be relevant to you, so I am including everything. Sorry for any grammatical and spelling errors!
My husband and I have always had a "difficult" relationship. It has never been easy. I very much relate to the experiences that you described in your book of what NT wives married to AS men can go through. The resentment, anger and loneliness on my part. The seemingly unresponsive and "selfish" behavior on his part. He fits a lot of the descriptions of someone with AS. Lots of quirks and unusual ways of dealing with thing and social difficulties. I always felt there was something "different" in our dynamic, there were certain things we just didn't seem to get about each other. I just thought it was the stress of our life. Now that I am familiar with AS, it is clear as day why he acts in these ways, and why I responded in such easy. Unfortunately, in those days, because I was unaware of any of this, over time I became less kind or understanding, thinking he was completely self-centered. I gave him hell, so to speak. I felt him drawing further and further away, burying himself in his work. I felt more and more overwhelmed with my small children, alone with a husband who just did not seem even remotely interested in acknowledging my needs. I did feel crazy a lot of the time. My self-esteem fell. Yet, he said he still loved me, and we were trying to keep it together. Then a little over three years ago, something happened that ultimately led to our current separation. We have been trying to resolve it ever since, That is why I am writing you, hoping you may be able to shed some insight on our situation.
Our journey started about three years ago. But first let me give you a little history.
My husband and I, as I mentioned, had always struggled in our marriage. Every year, we knew things were going down hill, but we still loved each other and kept trying for the sake of kids. When the US economy crashed, my husband was out of work. Our children where still very young and I needed to be home with them. Thinking that it had been his work that was taking him away from family life , I encouraged him to go back to school, hoping he would have more time for us. He did go to school, quite happily. However, he encountered all kids of difficulties. He sought out academic counseling through his college. It was from there that he was told he might have ADD among other learning disabilities. Okay, but there seemed to be more to it than that. Things were unraveling. He couldn't keep up with what was the expected pace in the class. My husband is brilliant. He is one of the smartest people I know. He built a career for himself, without a degree, in computers. Yet he couldn't seem to handle some of the simplest tasks his teachers were assigning. It was during this time that he also started seeking out psychological counseling for some unresolved issues he thought he was having around a tragic event that had occurred in his family the year before we were married. My husbands uncle, a long sufferer of depression, strapped his two young sons to himself and jumped off a bridge, killing all three of them. My husband had never really dealt properly with the grief over this. We were married the following year and got busy raising our family. Six years later, he felt that his issues around his Uncle and young cousins death were manifesting in ways that were beyond his control. He became very difficult to connect to. He was absent, both physically and emotionally and quite obsessed with school. It was a stressful situation anyway. We moved in with his parents to save money and there was very little privacy. Our financial situation continued to deteriorate because we were not getting the financial help we were expecting due to his grades getting lower and lower every semester. I was starting to loose it. I knew something was wrong, but I could not put my finger on it. My own unhappiness and stress caused me to lash out. Then one night, during a intimate moment, I pushed him off of me and started raging. Telling him how he was never there for me and I didn't seem important to him and he was just using me. He wasn't really responding ( I know now why he couldn't respond, but back then I just thought he didn't care) so I went around to the other side of the bed and brought my hand down hard where he was laying. I had meant to hit his leg to get his attention but in the dark I couldn't see well and I struck his arm. He flinched violently. Almost like a two second seizure. He was silent for while and then said something like it was time that we both went to bed. I cried myself to sleep as he lay motionless beside me.
The next night he wanted me to go out with him for coffee. This was unusual. I thought it was a effort to make-up. But, much to my dismay, after we got our coffee, he told me that he needed me to promise that I would never hit him again, even if it had been somewhat of an accident. He said that when I hit him the night before, he strained his shoulder trying to keep himself from hitting me back . My husband had taken martial arts when he was younger, and he knew that if he ever hit me with his full force, he could quite easily inflict a blow that would kill me. Yet, I couldn't promise that I would never hit him again, because it had just been an attempt on my part to get his attention. It could happen again. I knew I could never really hurt him so I didn't think it was so important. I said I would try. But that didn't seem good enough of an answer for him. (I now see that this conversation was his attempt to try to tell me my actions made him feel out of control and he didn't know what to do about it) Either that night, or a few nights later, I don't remember, I had a dream that my husband had become "unreachable". In the dream he was like a shell. It was his body, but the eyes staring at me did not have a soul inside. He sat there with a snarl on his face. His eyes dead. No matter how much I begged him to "come back" he wouldn't…...or couldn't. I woke up from this dream screaming. Sick to my stomach. The feeling stayed with me for days. That very same week, it was like a switch had been flipped in my husband. He flinched and pulled away when I touched him, started sleeping on the couch most of the time, and over the next year, become so cold and distant that it shook me to the core. Until that point, he had been quite affectionate and when around, sweet. I kept thinking he would eventually work through it, but we have not been intimate since that night. That was over three years ago. Although we have finally arrived at a point where he accepts hugs from me, he still doesn't want to touch me voluntarily.
Over the course of that year he asked for a trial separation three times. I consented the third time. He moved out immediately, and we have been separated ever since. It was during this year that we started marriage counseling as well. And it was also during this year that a therapist suggested he might have Aspergers. It explained a lot, for both of us. He was in the process of getting a proper diagnosis when I took a job here in Japan. We knew it would interrupt the counseling we had begun, but we had both been struggling to find jobs and desperately needed an income. He said that we might need to do something drastic anyway, like move to Japan, for our marriage to survive. I had spend many years in Japan as a child and felt comfortable moving back here so I took the job with his blessing. We agreed that he would stay in California and finish school as well as stay in therapy. He would visit in the summer and we would see how things went. I hoped for the best.
It turned out, he missed the kids so much he joined us eight months later. The government subsidized program he was receiving counseling through, cut it for budget reasons. He was in the process of getting a diagnosis for AS when this happened (He did take the online test for AS and scored 155 out of 200) His last therapist diagnosed him with OCD as well. School was not going any better for him, so he decided to stay in Japan. He has been here consistently for a year.
We have tried to do the best we can here in Japan. We found an American therapist and we worked with him for some time. We mentioned in the first few sessions, that we thought AS was a factor in some of the issues of our marriage, but it more or less got left at that. I found the therapy sessions quite helpful but my husband did not ( after reading your book and learning that traditional marriage therapy doesn't really work for people with AS, it makes sense that I benefited but my husband did not) We saw this therapist for over a year, but we recently decided to give it a break as it did not seem to be having a big impact on moving us any closer to a resolution.
I have tried to continue to love my husband and tried to understand him. I have to admit, I was hoping the move, change in environment and time would have healed a lot. There has been some improvement. But not drastic. Especially for him. As far as he is concerned, we are just as close to divorce as we were three years ago. He is also having trouble finding work here and it is taking him time to adjust. We have both tried very hard to work things out for the sake of our children and families, but there is something deeper that is not getting resolved.
About a month ago, a friend of mine sent me the link to your ebook and site. It made me realize that what I have been doing is not enough. I do believe my husband has AS and I do believe that the strategies outlined in your book can and are helping us. However, I also think there is something else. Some deeper psychological issue. In addition to having OCD about usual stuff, I think he has suffered some sort of trauma in our relationship that was brought on by neither of us understanding what his needs had been. Could my husband be dealing with PT-OCD (post traumatic-obsessive compulsive disorder)? In my talks with him, when he seems to be able to get in touch with his feelings, I get the sense that if we could resolve this block that he has about being intimate with me ( both sexually and simple hugging, kissing) then there could be some hope for us. I suggest PT-OCD because if he was already under emotional stress with the trauma of his Uncle's death coupled with the poison in our marriage that climaxed into, what for him was a nightmare scene that almost caused him to hit me ( something that he would never, ever be able to forgive himself for) then the OCD could have manifested itself as this: in HIS mind, he may think as long as he doesn't touch me, there will never be the risk of sex or intimacy, and therefore no chance of recreating a scene similar to the one that happened more than three years ago , which creates less to no chance of him ever be in danger of feeling again like hitting me. Unfortunately, this obsession means he lives with a marriage devoid of sex, affection or intimacy. Even he cannot live with that. That's why, to him, divorce seems inevitable.
I am not a psychiatrist and I could be WAY OFF but I am just throwing things out there. Based on stuff we have talked about, things he has said in therapy and facts that I know about him. Interestingly enough, when I shared this theory with him, he agreed that it could be a possibility. He does not usually agree with me!! I am including a link to an article on PT-OCD that we have both read and resonated with. Just for information sake.
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I am also including certain things he has said to me frequently over that last few years regarding our marriage, that tie in to what I have said above. They are not in any particular order.
1.He often says justice has not been served for the past year ( he feels I treated him unjustly, although I have apologized, changed my ways and even communicate differently with him than I used to)
2.Says he doesn't know what he needs for there to be reconciliation
3,Has said on several occasions that he needs to "start over" ( like a re-boot) for him to feel differently about our marriage and for his feeling towards me to change. For our marriage to reconcile he says he needs to literally start again as if we don't know each other.
4,Seems to have a dual internal thing going on. Says very unemotionally that he feels we are very close to divorce and not much has changed despite our attempts. Yet his actions will often show otherwise. Like his coming to Japan to be with his family ( he could have easily used the move as a way out, filed for divorce and sent me the papers to sign). His willingness to go to therapy. He doesn't want to be intimate or want to feel like we are married, but when I tell him I want to keep trying, that I love him and don't want a divorce, he seems happy. I am quite confused by this as it don't seem consistent with what he say, unless my theory about PT-OCD could be true.
5,He says he is happier when he is not with me. Yet, he does certain things for me when I ask, and he still seems to care about what I think and what I like. Although we live separately, we still operate very much as a family. He picks the kids up from school and brings them to my house while I am at work and we eat meals together regularly.
6,He has said that so many of the failures in his life are connected to me and our marriage yet he seems to want to try….despite his belief we might be doomed.
7.he has said that the 'bad" stuff in our marriage plays over and over again in his head, like a tape.
8.He has said it might be better for us to divorce simply because if I got re-married, at leas our children will see what a normal relationships looks like. But, on other occasions he says he hopes we don't get divorced.
9.He has said that being with me is sometimes like torture because there are things I unknowingly do that trigger his anxiety and he doesn't know how to reverse it. For example: A month or so ago, we were at a gathering together. It was lunch and it was buffet style food. My husband had to take a phone call when the food was being served. Knowing he was hungry, I told him the food was ready and should I make him a plate. He said no, thank you. I thought he was just being polite. After 10 min or so, when I saw how fast the food was going, I decided to make him a plate ( I thought I was being considerate) When he was finished with his call, I told him I made him a plate and it was on the table whenever he was ready. But the food just sat and sat and sat. He never touched it. I tried not to be offended. I thought maybe he was feeling ill.
In a later conversation, he was able to share with me that he had not wanted me to make him a plate because he knew the food would sit out for a few minutes and he was afraid germs would contaminate it. Furthermore, he could not bring himself to make a fresh plate without eating the first plate of food, because he wasn't sure if he would offend anyone. He was starving and wanted to eat but was in this silent dilemma. He could not understand why I didn't just listen to him. He said this kind of thing has gone on in our marriage for as long as he can remember. It felt like torture.
It was a true Aha! moment for me. This conversation. I knew he had some serious OCD about germs, and I knew he often questioned how to act in social situations, but I did not realize how far it went for him. Ever since, I have tried to be more mindful of taking his word for what he says he wants.
10. he has said that the week after he almost hit me three years ago, he noticed his tastes changed for a few things. Like, he has always loved Reese's peanut butter cups, but after that night, he doesn't like them anymore.
I want my marriage to work. I love my husband. He is a good man. In many ways he is kind, gentle, and considerate. He is a good father. I want my children to grow up in an intact home. The strategies outlined in your book are definitely helping. But there is something deeper. I do not think for one second that I am innocent in all of this. I know I have done my share to do the damage that happened in the past. Everyday for the last three years I have made efforts to repair that damage. And in his own way, my husband has too. We have both tried, hard. But we have been separated for two years and worked with four marriage therapist. How long is too long? I want to know. What is keeping us from healing? I can live with Aspergers. I already am… but that does not seem to be the only issuer. Am I on to something with the PT-OCD? Can we live together, relatively happily again as husband and wife? Can you share any insights?
Thank you so much for the time you took to read this email. I know it was a staggering amount of information. I almost have to laugh at myself for how much came out. I am sort of freaked out about sending it, but here it goes.
I hope to hear back from you soon.
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QUESTION:
My 18 year old Aspergers son is having a very difficult time with the transition, responsibilities, and structural difference in college. He failed all but one of his classes last semester, and is not doing too well this semester. Due to the pressure to perform and fear of losing his scholarship, he has fallen into a difficult state of mind (e.g., doesn’t care, doesn’t do work, constantly lies, etc.), which has further complicated our ability to communicate with him. Do you think that college might be too much for him to handle at this time? Should we consider a technical career? He is a brilliant young man with a complex diagnosis, and a lifetime dream of becoming an engineer.
ANSWER:
Given the circumstances that you have outlined, clearly college life is not working for him at this time. This is quite obvious, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that college will NEVER work for him – just not now.
College life is tough on young adults with Aspergers, mostly because the level of structure is greatly reduced. In other words, students can (for the most part) come and go whenever, wherever they want to… very little resemblance to the more structured atmosphere in high school. The social aspects of college life are also more complex. Even among “typical” students, freshmen students' self-ratings of their emotional health drop significantly in their first year.
Your son was micromanaged as he went through the high school years. As a result, he was often protected from a lot of disappointments. But, once young adults with Aspergers get to college and they’re on their own, life’s disappointments happen, and they are often lacking that resiliency to deal effectively with those events (e.g., getting a poor grade, girlfriend breaking up with them, not fitting in with the crowd, etc.).
Having said this, I agree that technical school (preferably one close to home) would be a good option at this point. 50% of recent college graduates are unemployed or underemployed; many, in fact, are resorting to the kinds of entry-level jobs that they went to college to avoid. But things are looking up for skilled workers. As a recent survey reported, 40% of employers complained that they were unable to find sufficient skilled workers to fill their available positions. For students who can get into the programs that prepare them for such jobs, the employment future could be promising.
The value of a vocational program varies greatly. Many private companies have jumped into the market, hoping to tap into the rich river of federal student aid money flowing into the trade school market. Unfortunately, many of their programs are overpriced, unaccredited, or lack strong placement programs, which means that students who enroll in these for-profit schools' programs can easily find themselves graduating with a lot of debt and few job prospects.
Luckily, there are several ways vocational students can protect themselves from choosing a bad program. The first step is ensuring that the program they're considering is accredited: The Department of Education has an easy-to-use accreditation database.
Having checked to see that the program carries a U.S. government seal of approval, the next step is ensuring that its benefits are worth its cost. Companies like Glassdoor and Salary.com can give a good idea of the likely salaries that graduates of a particular program will garner. Depending on this, students can calculate the amount of money that they can reasonably expect to borrow. A general rule of thumb is that your loans shouldn't exceed one year's post-graduation salary.
Another great resource is Department of Education's default rate database, which reports on the percentage of students who default on their loans. Schools with high default rates may be charging too much for a particular certification.
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Hi Mark, My 13 year old son just had the worst meltdown ever in his life & mine! I had to stop myself from having the local childrens hospital come & take him away today. 1st off I like the idea of your product but my son has 3 so called labeled disabilities at work fighting each other at all times. When he was 18 months old I knew he had autism or aspergers but he was not diagnosed until age 8 with aspergers. Right before that diagnosis at age 8 he was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. Absolutely no family history of diabetes at all. At age 6 I was told he had dyslexia but not the kind that affects reading. His is comprehension & expression based. He reads way higher levels than his age group states. I do agree with the dyslexia diagnosis & we have worked thru a lot of those issues when he was 6 & 7. Then he got sick & the diagnosis for diabetes popped up. He never got to finish the full dyslexia training, the school filled his spot while he was in the hospital. At the same time he was just starting ABA therapy & it was working. Then the diabetes & aspergers seemed to be fighting each other all the time. My personal belief is that the aspergers & the diabetes are linked in some way. I have not found any parent yet that has said their child has diabetes & aspergers. Possibly a gut connection but I've already changed his diet to gluten free for many years & pulled dairy , soy, yeast, too. He is 13 & hormones play a huge part in this too. He has a huge amount of stress from being bullied by teachers & staff in school(he was pulled from school & homeschooled & now does online public school), insulin introduced into an already compromised immune system, & therapists & doctors & family who all want him on medications. I am the only help he's got( HIS BEHAVIORS HAVE PRETTY MUCH SHOT THE AMOUNT OF HELP WE GET) & I'm told there is NO HELP FOR KIDS HIS AGE!!! I've heard this now in 3 different states. My thoughts are...I just haven't found it yet! My question for you is: I am dealing with type 1 diabetes & aspergers, both which have frustrated, irritable, angry & up to violent potentials. Plus many more! Will this program honestly help? I'm not at a point where I can keep buying things that repeat what I've already learned, I'm actually losing my business due to my son's actions & behaviors. He is very violent towards me, defiant, refuses to help with what we need to do for his health, is refusing to eat & sleep & the normally out going kid he is won't go outside, won't make eye contact anymore & is not happy at all. Also is this geared for just younger kids? I would appreciate any help or direction you could send me.
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I really like your articles I follow on LinkedIn. I have a son who in now 15 going on 16 in May and has been diagnosed and tested since he was in preschool, everyone knew something was off but nothing exact stuck out as being what the problem was. They ruled out ADD ADHD and eventually came up with PDD Nos in his second grade year. In Middle school he has the most severe emotional anger and OCD type of behavior and was counseled by a neuropsychologist that works with ADD, Addiction and does testing and he did sessions with him and diagnosed him as ASD. There were times that year my son wouldn't come out of his room and barricaded himself in, he seemed emotionally unavailable and defiant. He has never had luck with having friends or mostly he will get a friend and then it doesn't last.
We are moving from Colorado back to Texas this summer for my husbands job and he seems just fine with it but we noticed he had a few friends for the first part of the year and over the summer that he is now not even texting or calling at all. He told me he is choosing to spend time alone and likes it that way but there is nothing wrong.
I am concerned of course and we have tried some social skills groups and he has hated them and said he wouldn't go back, the other kids seem more extreme and out of sorts to him. He is like a normal kids, doesn't do badly at school and with us he communicated and interacts well.
My husband is shy and keeps to himself except for work and family and thinks we should leave him be but I worry that he is isolating himself and not building social skills and wish i knew what really happened with the friends he no longer talks to.
Do you have any suggestions? Would we be able to do skype sessions and what is the cost? I really feel I need help and someone my son can listen to who will help him understand what is going on with him, what can help him and motivate him to want to try and get help.
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We had a major blowout tonight and I was hoping to relay the events and find out whether you can critique me a bit please
Tonight around 8:30pm I asked the kids to all come out and help in the kitchen. My son Kyle dragged the chain a bit but he eventually came out and started putting things away. He started getting frustrated that he couldn't close a cupboard door (he has been on edge a bit tonight) and started banging it and kicking the contents. He also started swearing.which he knows is not acceptable
At this point my wife told him to him that he needed to stop swearing at which time he stated the words he said were not swearing. I supported my wife that it was swearing and that if he didn't stop he would need to go to bed. He kept on that it wasn't swearing and I then told him that he must be tired and that he can go to bed once the kitchen is cleaned.
It was at this point that he said that if he couldn't stay up any longer then he wouldn't clean the kitchen I then told him that he should just go to bed then. He wouldn't go and kept wandering around the kitchen and house in defiance.
Unfortunately it all escalated out of control at that point and I don't think it is really relevant to go into details
We have been advised at another time that if he loses his cool to the point there is so sense of reason and we can't get him to withdraw, that we should leave the house. At this time of night with two children asleep it is very difficult to do this so I then spent the next 20 minutes trying to keep him at the end of the house that had no sleeping people. He has now escaped out of the house and has now gone out of the house (not really sure where)
Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated
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I have a question about our 5yr old. His meltdowns have decreased in frequency from 1 to 9 a day (his peak of meltdowns last year at the age of 4) with length of 3min to 40min. This year we are in kindergarten and his meltdowns at home have decreased to maybe 1 a week if that and they are super brief (1-2min). At school he didn't have a meltdown until oct. then it increased to 2 a week. Now he is still at 2 a week but he is no longer just screaming, he will start to throw things, hit, kick etc and the length is increasing from 5-10min to 30min. They are now trying to avoid triggers like cleaning up center times by having him go to a sensory room to play with an EA. He has great relationships with the EA and the school teacher.
Why is he escalating now? is he more comfortable in the environment? Is he just finally getting to feel done at school? What can we do to help him more at school. I am a gr.1 teacher myself and understand a lot about ASD and have worked a lot with inner city students etc. I understand the language, I understand the importance of Self Regulation etc. I am just at a loss as to where to go with my own son at this point.
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Mr. Hutton,
I just recently stumbled cross your website trying to find information on dealing with children who have Aspergers. My husband and I have a 12 year old daughter and a 6 year old son named Wyatt. We live in Ramsey, Indiana and attend Lincoln Hills Christian Church. I understand from your site that you and your wife live in Indiana as well. Wyatt has always been a handful to say the least. Always going a hundred miles an hour! We are having a very difficult time dealing with Wyatt and his frequent meltdowns. They seemed to start becoming a very common problem a year ago, with anger being a concern since he was very small. He is becoming more violent and hard to control and I'm becoming increasingly concerned. Our money is very tight and I just want to make sure before we spend this there's a chance it will help. Our family life is suffering from the chaos of it all and it feels like we are all walking on eggshells waiting for an explosion all the time. Every morning he gets on the school bus its a huge relief, because it can be such an exhausting struggle. Our youth minister, who is a nurse mentioned Aspergers to us two years ago but we didn't see it, now we do. He is a very intelligent, sweet little guy, but he can turn so unexpectedly and be out of control. He hasn't had any fits once he is in the school building and is actually very quiet and well behaved at school. Getting him in the building at least once a week, more or less, has proven to be a very difficult task at times, requiring assistance from school staff. He recently told me school was boring, and he doesn't understand why nobody will be his friend, and the lights in school are too bright. I am very concerned about him and how to help him cope with his emotions. Also how to have a calmer family life. I don't know how to help his sister deal with him in appropriate calm manners which can be very difficult. She doesn't understand what's wrong or how to deal with it, and quite frankly we don't know how to deal with him. Any help or advice would be amazing! Thank you and God bless you.
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Dear Mark,
I jumped right in when I thought that there might be some help out there with my 26 and a half year old son, Brandon. I may have jumped too soon, however, as I read that you had a book on how to launch your Aspergers child. While getting him launched is the problem, the other problem and question is: should he first be diagnosed? I have tried in the past but after reading your website, Im even more convinced the diagnosis of Aspergers has been missed. Is there a definitive test?
At the age of 17, the summary of his neuropsychological assessment says that he needs an evaluation to determine if he still has breathing problems when he was born. He had two episodes of not breathing as an infant. I recently had him tested for Sleep Apnea while he still had insurance and he fell well into the normal range. His overall IQ at 17 was in the 120s. The summary went on to say that he had slower processing speed than compared with aged mates. It also states that he has superior verbal abilities.
While that may be true in testing, he rarely speaks to us unless its a sports-oriented conversation. He cannot think of what to say quickly or sometimes at all. He is void of any social skills unless he is online. The summary concludes that he has an executive functioning disorder and/or anxiety disorder, potentially impacted by a sleep disorder. My thoughts were always that they missed the actual problem, whatever it is. This testing was done in 2005.
He has a history of dropping out of school, including high school. He completed his junior year of college, at which point he dropped out again. I was broke trying to get him through a technical school (computers) which I think he would have liked it to go on forever so that he never had to grow up. He is obsessed with computer gaming and is up late at night.
His father, my first husband, died at age 53,from pancreatic cancer. My husband struggled with addiction and depression. Brandon had already dropped out of high school just before learning of his dads illness.
My new husband, and Brandon and I live in Florida, in a retirement community; Brandon moved here a year ago. Under the influence of my new husband, he learned that he now had to get his first job. He was 25 at that time. Prior to that, he was living in Rhode island with a family friend but was neither working or going to school.
After several months of applying for jobs down here, he was hired by Walmart to stock shelves. He was let go after 6 months; we dont know why.
Because of his age, he is uninsured. He spends all his time in his room and always has. He has problems with his ears. He had one friend up north but I;m not sure he still does. He has no interest in socializing. He cant hold a knife and fork the correct way yet he was great at Legos. Foreign languages came easily for him. He speaks in a monotone with a flat affect. Eye contact is difficult for him.
My first question is where to go from here? He has seen several doctors in the past and has had two hospitalizations, due to school refusal. They all lead to him being prescribed generic Prozac, which I found he rarely took.
I realize Ive given you a lot to absorb, but my husband and I are concerned that if something doesnt change, we will be supporting him the rest of his life, something we cannot afford.
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QUESTION:
How do I help my grandchild through such a difficult time in our life? Part II. My husband has lung cancer that is progressing and it makes my grandson very, very sad. He envisions that he is Dr. Who and will get in the tartis and go back and get papas sickness and take with him in the tartis and regenerate. He will come back but with a different face and hair but the voice will be the same. I am doing as you first suggested by validating and being honest but I dont quite know how to handle the sadness he feels and I am worried that he goes into these make believe worlds, that seem very real to him, to cope so often. He acts out a lot. I try to explain why papa has to die but cant get past Adam and Eve because he wants to blow everything up, regenerate and fix things and then he begins the regeneration on him all over again. How do I get to the real fears and feelings inside him?
ANSWER:
The ways “special needs” kids express grief are usually different from the way grown-ups express it. Kids are not always able to use words to express their feelings. Instead, they often express them through behavior. Even kids who are able to express themselves verbally may not always be able to express the many, sometimes conflicting, emotions they have. Kids may:
• Become very quiet or very talkative. They may become overactive.
• Cling to grown-ups and want extra time and attention.
• Have difficulty completing school work. Their grades may drop.
• Have difficulty getting along with other kids.
• Have temper tantrums, angry outbursts, or refuse to obey grown-ups.
• Return to younger behaviors, such as wetting the bed after they have been dry for months or years.
How kids express grief usually depends on how they perceive the loss (including death). Each youngster's perception of loss varies according to age and emotional development. In general:
• Kids between the ages of 10 and 12 start to understand loss (including death) the way grown-ups do. They see death as permanent and irreversible. They are curious about what and how things happen. For example, if they have been affected by a hurricane, they may want to learn how hurricanes develop. If a person close to them dies, they may want to know how bodies are prepared after death, what the rites and rituals of burial mean, and what happens to a person after he or she dies.
• Kids between the ages of 6 and 10 do not always fully understand events that occur in their lives. They may understand only part of what is going on around them and they may invent conclusions or draw the wrong conclusions about things they do not understand, resulting in misconceptions about what is happening. They may develop fears, such as fear of death.
• Kids between the ages of 3 and 6 often think that any major change in their lives is a result of their actions or wishes. This is called magical thinking. These kids often feel responsible for any loss that occurs. If they see a loss as a threat, they may think that they are being punished for something. If people leave them (such as in divorce), they may feel abandoned and scared. These kids may react to loss by being afraid to be alone or to leave the people they love. They may not want to sleep alone at night and may refuse to go to day care or school. Other ways that kids this age may express feelings of grief are by developing eating, sleeping, or toileting problems.
The way moms and dads and other caregivers help a youngster who is grieving often lays the foundation for how the youngster will react to losses as an adult. It's important to help a youngster grieve, because:
• Information needs to be shared. Sometimes moms and dads and other caring grown-ups think it is best not to tell kids what is happening after a loss. Not telling kids about a major loss may cause them to develop unrealistic fears and concerns. Kids may also feel insecure because they know the grown-ups are not being honest. Not telling a youngster that a loved one has died may prolong the youngster's grief.
• Their concerns need to be addressed. Each youngster's concerns after a major loss differ, depending on the youngster's age and emotional development. For example, after the loss of a parent, a young youngster may ask who will take him or her to school. It is important for grown-ups to listen to a youngster's concerns and answer any questions or concerns.
• Their feelings are real. It is important for grown-ups to acknowledge that each youngster has unique feelings after a major loss.
• Their feelings need to be expressed. Kids who do not express their feelings may develop other problems, such as behavior problems or physical illnesses.
• Their misconceptions need to be clarified. Kids often do not know why losses occur. They may think that they caused the loss or that they are being punished for something they did. Correcting such misconceptions may relieve a youngster's anxiety and fear.
Before you try to help your grandson deal with a loss, examine your own thoughts and feelings about loss, particularly about death. Recall your first experience with loss. What helped you deal with it? What was not helpful to you? This is especially important if you experienced your first major loss when you were a youngster. Remembering your experience may help you recognize and understand your grandson's feelings. Also, the things that helped you may also be helpful to your grandson.
Tell other significant grown-ups in your grandson's life about his recent loss. Child care providers, teachers, and school counselors may also be able to help your grandson work through his grief. Here are some steps for helping Aspergers and HFA kids during the grieving process:
1. Provide safety and security. To express their feelings related to loss, kids need an adult who makes them feel safe and secure. Consider your grandson's personality and his comfort level in talking about feelings and concerns.
2. Consider the youngster's emotional development. Consider the youngster's age and emotional development so that you can explain loss and death in a way that he will understand. Learn about the emotional considerations for kids of different ages.
3. Make a plan. Think about how and when to approach your grandson.
4. Use an activity. Activities create different ways for kids to express their feelings related to loss. Try an activity that fits your style and your grandson's developmental level. If one activity does not work, try another one. Some suggestions include the following:
o Draw pictures. Drawing pictures of feelings may be easier than talking about them. Ask your grandson to draw a picture of what is happening to him. You can also draw a picture of what is happening to you. After finishing your drawing, explain what you drew and ask your grandson to explain his picture. You can use drawing pictures along with storytelling to help your grandson deal with grief.
o Make up stories. Storytelling lets you and your grandson change what happens in the story. Your grandson can change sad and gloomy feelings to more positive ones that provide warmth and comfort.
o Play or act. Acting out feelings through play can be very helpful for some kids. You can use stuffed animals, puppets, or other toys to act out what is going on. Sometimes it is easier for a youngster to allow a favorite stuffed animal to speak for him or her; it may be easier for a young youngster to talk with the animal, either alone or with an adult present, than to talk directly with an adult.
o Read books or watch DVDs. Books and DVDs can help kids understand the concept of loss and death. Ask a librarian about books and DVDs for kids your grandson's age. After reading the book or watching the DVD, talk with your grandson about the story and especially about his feelings.
5. Evaluate the activity. Observe your grandson during and after the activity. What emotions did your grandson express during the activity? What emotions did your grandson express afterward? Talk with your grandson about these emotions. Let your grandson know that all feelings are normal. Clear up any misconceptions he has.
Practice one of the activities above in the presence of another adult. After the activity, ask the adult to tell you how effective they think the activity was for your grandson.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mr Hutten,
Our daughter gave us your name as a reference that she has been using to help her and her husband deal with their 9 year old son with asperger. She says your updates are good. Alex was finally diagnosed a few months ago and is receiving additional help at school now.
As a grandparent, my husband and I are trying to learn more and more about this. We currently live 200 plus miles from them up in northern Ohio. Any suggestions to help us understand our grandson more would be greatly appreciated. We also want to be a strong support for Alex's mom and dad and sister. Believe it or not, but by just writing this email, I feel like I am taking a step forward. Thank you for listening.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi there. My name's Kate Brennan (husband is Todd). Our son is 4 and was diagnosed with Asperger's at 3.5 yo. He's increasingly disobedient to the point where it can land him in danger (for example, running off in car parks - thinking it's funny, touching hot stoves/ovens etc). About 90% of the time he does the opposite of what is asked, or just doesn't do what he's told to do. Sometimes this is also detrimental to the safety of his younger brother, which is obviously also a major concern.
I do realize that a part of this is probably age related but it's getting out of control. He has a true rebellion against authority (especially at home, and especially with me - his Mum).
Any suggestions on how to deal with this? We've tried most every consequence we can think of, and charting doesn't seem to work - he wants immediate reward and gets bored extremely easily.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The situation I have is that my sons day to day behaviour is manageable in his home life. Its outside with some social situations and the most distressing is school. I have just taken him out of a 600 pupil school because of his meltdowns and bullying. I have home schooled for a month to try and observe his approaches to learning... I have noticed his lack of confidence - yet we have got through a lot of work being at home and I thought we have built up some self esteem again. Yet for him and for me... home ed isnt the right way forward...
I have now found a lovely 200 pupil school, which he attended for this first time today. The were very co-operative and I gave them a list of things to be aware of. I had arranged to meet him at lunchtime and bring him home. Yet even for those couple of hours, he just was so anxious and distressed that they couldn't cope with him and the head called for me to come in. They had to remove him from the classroom because of the impact on the other children as well as on himself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark,
Been reading your online coaching which I think may be of help to me and my little grandson age 6 1/2. Whilst he has no diagnosis, my Private OT who thinks it is Attachment Disorder. I really would appreciate your help in parenting. Having
a difficult time with education. He is a lovely little boy and I want
to handle him the right way and help him be the adorable boy that I see
much of the time. I am stressed out about schooling and their not
understanding. Also if I do something wrong with him he hits out and
pushes me which yesterday I did not handle well so I need advice too on
how to prevent triggers etc.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Glad
to have someone who will help me. Yesterday was such a bad day for me
and Charlie. It was triggered by me - I was helping him get dressed for
school and thought I would do some joint compressions which I learned
from OT. He started to hit me and push me really hard - I couldn't take
being pushed around so I shouted and hit back in self-defence.
Shouting so loud he was frightened of me. Settled and went to school -
very bad day in school, did not settle.
I went to bed early - shattered with high BP
Calm
this morning and had a better day at school. Told the assistant she
should be giving him movement breaks - so she did. However I came home
in tears because it is an uphill struggle teaching others and this
morning she wasn't listening. Rang my OT and she has observed him in
school and will be talking to them again now she knows Charlie better -
finally got an OT who the school will work with. She is giving Charlie 6
sessions - movement and writing. Then it will probably be back to my
private OT who has been amazing and worked with him since
October 2014.
Doing
his homework this evening - tv put on hold and when he hit me I turned
TV off - meltdown and hitting me. This time I kept my cool and took the
hits and held him as well and it was 15 mins. Put him to bed and left
him as he was hitting again. Went up to him later when he and I had
settled said his prayers with him and he should be asleep by now.
I cannot stand and take hits and pushing. No child should do that to their grannie or any adult :(
Otherwise
an adorable, charming 6 year old. I have been doing all the meetings,
searching, and taking everything to do with schooling. His mum can't do
it and leaves me to it.
Latest
thing I have been reading is about diet - gf, cf and MSG and aspartame
free. I try to give him omega 3 nightly - sure it made a difference as
he was calmer in the mornings.
So I am confused about his management though when he is settled he is brilliant. Just tired with all these meetings.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello Mark
i am hoping you can give me some advice on how to handle my current
situation. My husband and I have been separated for 12 months. We
had struggled for a few years as he withdrew more and more as a result of work
and family stresses, and was easily able to be convinced that another woman, his
girlfriend from 35 years ago, would make life happier. He lived with her
for 10 months and moved back to our home town 4 weeks ago, after a major
explosion.
it was only after he left that I was made aware by a friend that he
probably has Aspergers – all of the other men in his family clearly do, my
husband is probably the least affected in the family. The more I have
learned the more I believe it is true, and have realised that none of his
behaviour was ever intended to hurt me.
Anyway since he moved back we have spent a bit of time together and it has
been really enjoyable. I am trying to approach things in a much different
and less confusing way for him. He says he is very confused and doesn’t
know what he wants, his head is soup, just needs time to get his head sorted out
etc. I understand this and am trying very hard not to confuse him further,
even though it isn’t always easy as I am feeling some pretty strong emotions
after not seeing him at all for 9 months. The major problem at the moment
is that the other woman will not get out of his life. She is putting a lot
of pressure on him to return to her home. He has stated that he knows she
just wants his income back in her house.
last week i told him that I can’t see him while this woman is still a
presence in his life, as he has been seeing her quite a few times. He
didn’t like haring that and said he couldn’t imagine not seeing me. His
behaviour makes it clear that he loves me and wants to do things to make me
happy. He has explained that he has no intention of returning to her, his
words were:
-it was a big mistake
-I was unhappy the whole time
- it was never a relationship
-I wish it had never happened
He said he is trying to tell her it is over, but he says she just has a
problem he needs to help her with, it’s complicated, to trust him she will be
out of his life soon. i don’t believe she will let go very easily.
I asked him how spending time with me makes him feel, he said it makes him
feel wonderful, feel like he belongs, it just makes him feel. Spending
time with her makes him feel sorry, he looked very sad when he said this.
Am I doing the right thing not seeing him, or am I just adding more
pressure and making it harder for him? Or do I need to let him see me as
it is a place where he feels comfortable and safe?
A person on a forum I go to said that Aspies find it hard to assert
themselves and feel like they are being mean, so he probably finds it hard to
tell this woman to get lost. And because she has a lifestyle she can’t
afford without his income he somehow feels responsible. He says he doesn’t
want her to lose her home, and I think somehow believes that would be his fault
– maybe instead of trying to milk him she could get a full time job, give up her
huge makeup and hairdressing bills or maybe get rid of some of her horses.
I feel so sad that he is so vulnerable and gullible.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our son is 4 and was
diagnosed with Asperger's at 3.5 yo. He's increasingly disobedient to
the point where it can land him in danger (for example, running off in
car parks - thinking it's funny, touching hot stoves/ovens etc). About
90% of the time he does the opposite of what is asked, or just doesn't
do what he's told to do. Sometimes this is also detrimental to the
safety of his younger brother, which is obviously also a major concern.
I do realize that a part of this is probably age related but it's getting out of control. He has a true rebellion against authority (especially at home, and especially with me - his Mum).
Any suggestions on how to deal with this? We've tried most every consequence we can think of, and charting doesn't seem to work - he wants immediate reward and gets bored extremely easily.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have a 5 yr old son who was diagnosed with ADHD and Aspergers in 2012. My question is about ocd behaviors he is exhibiting and although I have tried various methods of helping him without causing him worsened anxiety, I have had minimal and short lived success. He 'urinates' about 15-20 times a minute. No uti or other physical condition - just a compulsive need that I am unable to decipher. His compulsions vary and rotate from cursing to urinating from cursing to urinating. I am at a loss for an answer or solution or a gentle way to help. I also have a 2 yr old daughter who curses like a sailor as she adores her older brother! Any help or suggestions or just the knowledge that these are compulsions exhibited by other Aspies / ADHD children would be much appreciated :-) Thank you in advance and thank you for all you do.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am 99.9% sure my fiancé's 20 year old son has aspergers. My nephew has it so I know a lot about it. My fiancé has never said anything about his son other than he was on ADD medication in grade school. My question is 2 fold: Best approach for talking to my fiancé about it and also any recommendations for therapist and/or psychiatrist in the bay area. He has had a job for a few months but has already had a few "encounters" and he was let go of his previous job after a few months. He is driving trucks and that is his passion so he has the drive but I fear the other issues will continue to be a problem. He lives with his mom but plans to live with us almost full time once our house is built. My daughters noticed within the first time they met him as have others but his dad is either in denial or doesn't want his child labeled. I appreciate any suggestions and referrals.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We are struggling on a daily basis; it's been over six years since our first born girl began causing havoc in our home and our sense of family unity and purpose for living together...other than sheer endurance and survival...was attacked internally by the chaos that her behavior caused. Counseling, medication, behavioral modification...no change...only worse with time...our family is in shambles at this point. Lots of yelling by parents of a totally incorrigible daughter who daily tells us that she can't wait to leave here, and that we need some help; there is something wrong with us - she's right - there is - we are parents who can't take it anymore and nobody seems to quite get-it. Our tolerance level is nil. Over six years of daily strife has taken its toll. I feel sorry for our other three children who are exposed to this discord and dissension regularly - it's all they know!
I do realize that a part of this is probably age related but it's getting out of control. He has a true rebellion against authority (especially at home, and especially with me - his Mum).
Any suggestions on how to deal with this? We've tried most every consequence we can think of, and charting doesn't seem to work - he wants immediate reward and gets bored extremely easily.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello,
How do I help my 16 year old newly diagnosed autistic son
get a job and become independent? I am at my wits end right now not
knowing what to do to help him. My fiance' is a store manager at a local
grocery store and told me to try and bring him to the store today so he
could give him some jobs to do so that he could earn some of his hours
he needs for his occupational job prep class in high school. He needs
these hours in order to graduate in 2 years. He is currently in 10th
grade. Well, I took him to the store and Ray (fiance') gave him a job to
do by cleaning the dirt and dust off the windowsills at the front of
the store but Max (son) said he could not remember how he was told to do
it so I was told to just bring him home. Max want someone right there
with him to show him how to do the job and complains that he cannot
remember what and how he was told to do the job. Is that possible? He is
so hard to understand....his vocabulary skills are way behind. I just
do not know what to do.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have a 5 yr old son who was diagnosed with ADHD and Aspergers in 2012. My question is about ocd behaviors he is exhibiting and although I have tried various methods of helping him without causing him worsened anxiety, I have had minimal and short lived success. He 'urinates' about 15-20 times a minute. No uti or other physical condition - just a compulsive need that I am unable to decipher. His compulsions vary and rotate from cursing to urinating from cursing to urinating. I am at a loss for an answer or solution or a gentle way to help. I also have a 2 yr old daughter who curses like a sailor as she adores her older brother! Any help or suggestions or just the knowledge that these are compulsions exhibited by other Aspies / ADHD children would be much appreciated :-) Thank you in advance and thank you for all you do.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am 99.9% sure my fiancé's 20 year old son has aspergers. My nephew has it so I know a lot about it. My fiancé has never said anything about his son other than he was on ADD medication in grade school. My question is 2 fold: Best approach for talking to my fiancé about it and also any recommendations for therapist and/or psychiatrist in the bay area. He has had a job for a few months but has already had a few "encounters" and he was let go of his previous job after a few months. He is driving trucks and that is his passion so he has the drive but I fear the other issues will continue to be a problem. He lives with his mom but plans to live with us almost full time once our house is built. My daughters noticed within the first time they met him as have others but his dad is either in denial or doesn't want his child labeled. I appreciate any suggestions and referrals.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We are struggling on a daily basis; it's been over six years since our first born girl began causing havoc in our home and our sense of family unity and purpose for living together...other than sheer endurance and survival...was attacked internally by the chaos that her behavior caused. Counseling, medication, behavioral modification...no change...only worse with time...our family is in shambles at this point. Lots of yelling by parents of a totally incorrigible daughter who daily tells us that she can't wait to leave here, and that we need some help; there is something wrong with us - she's right - there is - we are parents who can't take it anymore and nobody seems to quite get-it. Our tolerance level is nil. Over six years of daily strife has taken its toll. I feel sorry for our other three children who are exposed to this discord and dissension regularly - it's all they know!
Our daughter just recently turned seventeen. She has set such a
precedent for all the rest of our children for rude behavior - arrogance
- lying - foul language -blaming others and not owning responsibility -
clamoring for all the privileges without any of the work - entitled and
disrespectful attitude. I am at the point where I'm feeling so
desperate that I wander why God even gave children to my husband and I;
we obviously don't know what we are doing. I'm feeling that each of my
children would be better off with other parents who have the energy and
enthusiasm to love them so dearly and provide a calm and nurturing home
for them. This is definitely not the idea I had for a home environment
for our children. There really is difficulty in all of our
relationships now over the course of such chronic stress. It feels
unhealthy and dysfunctional. It seems that separating her from our
family is the only benevolent option at this point, for her sake and the
sake of the mental health of the rest of the family. Everything is so
dauntingly expensive for us, though. What to do - this is an awful
feeling - I'm praying that your emails will have some pointers when
others have been unhelpful. It is like trying to counsel a drunk.
Unless they admit they have issues, forget trying to help them. Our
daughter sees our family as "the problem"...that we just won't let her
do what she wants...she's not incorrigible, we are just so too strict
and she can't take it! Anyway, my husband and I admit that we so need
help in dealing with this. We are weak and heavy laden and just need
this torture to stop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello Mr. Hutten.
Hello Mr. Hutten.
Have a son who will be 21 years old in August.
He currently resides with his father, to my knowledge.
The
father has cut off communication for the SECOND time without
explanation EXCEPT this time, he moved him out of state and has
remarried for the 3rd or 4th time. Has 2 other children from 2 other
relationships, as well. We share a son and a daughter, who just turned
18 years old last month.
Several years ago, our son was possibly
diagnosed with Asperger's. The father blames it on our divorce. To my
knowledge, the therapist wanted to see our son 5 more times but the
father refused.
From what I've read, it's genetic. After reading, I'm wondering if I should be tested ......?
Son was also born a month early, he was a "preemie" at 5 lbs 3 oz. He also had "blue spells".
I tried to explain to the father that as his mother,
I hold the patience and understanding that this child needs. He refuses
to "co-parent".
Concerned for our son and his
future but I feel as though my hands are tied ....... I feel as though
all I can do at this point is educate myself and wait
..............................
Wondering what your thoughts are on this?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thank you so much for these articles. It is so true we are having
this same issue with my Grandson at school,the teachers see a "Normal"
13 year old boy and say to me "he is old enough to do all by
himself."They say "I see nothing wrong with him except he needs to
respect adults more"He comes home crying and saying why can't people
except me for who I am,why do the have to Bully me.The teachers can't
even protect me. We just don"t know what to do. There is no help in RI.
We are very lost and fearing we will lose or Boy due to ignorance in
this state about any disibilities you don't see. Maby one day you will come to RI and help.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My question is a
little complicated, still trying to figure it out myself:)
Can people with
Aspergers experience strain in marriage in the form of a trauma that
require special treatment? Perhaps they may process an incident
differently and therefore be unable to eventually understand
and forgive their spouse without help? Also can the effects
of the trauma worsen over time due to some of the symptoms or disorders
associated with AS, specifically developing into something
like OCD?
It seems my husband
has experienced some form of deep trauma in our marriage.
It is not just one
incident, but a cumulative effect over years of arguing and frustration
that he couldn't make sense of. There was a final incident three years
ago, one which he says was the "straw that broke the camels
back". An intimate moment between us that escalated into me
bringing my hand down hard onto his side of the bed to get his attention but
accidentally hitting his thigh. The pain ALMOST caused him to
hit me back. Till this day he fears that had he not been able
to stop himself, he might have killed me with one blow.
Ever since that day
three years ago, my husband has been a different man towards me. The
first two years he flinched when I touched him, acted very cold and
distant and wanted very little to do with me. He asked for a trial
seperation two years ago and we have been living separately although we still
very much operate as a family (dinners together, time on weekends) with our two
children. This past year he has started to consent to an
occasional hug. However, we have not had sex for three
years or had any kind of physical intimacy. He believes the
marriage is doomed because be feels he cannot overcome how he feels toward
me. He says he believes there was an injustice that I did towards him and that
he can't trust me not to fluctuate in my moods and behavior. I have done
all I can to keep our marriage from divorce but very little
has change for him. However despite the fact that he says he feels
this way, he also seems to have instances where he
recognizes that what he is experiencing is based primarily on what he
perceived happened and that infact, through the difficulties and
emotional pain of the last few years we have created a kinder and
more harmonious relationship than we ever had before.
Going back to the
reason I say "trauma"is because the change was so sudden. He
has mentioned over time, that the same week his feelings for me
changed, other things changed as well. Food that had been long-time
favorites were no longer so. He said he walked differently. Even
his preferences in what he found attractive in women ( women who look like
me; small, dark, petite were no longer attractive)changed significantly.
A sudden change in feelings towards someone or something ( after a
negative experience) has occurred for him before. He
says although he has tried in the past to 'undo' the sudden aversion or
disinterest that sets in, he has never succeeded. That is why he has very
little hope for us. I am mentioning these things because it
could be relevant.
I would also like to
add that I know my husband has Obsessive- Compulsive
tendancies regarding certain things. No official OCD diagnosis but
he was in the process of getting a diagnosis as well as AS diagnosis when
we left for Japan ( where i am currently working). Could trauma from the
negative cycles in our marriage have been made worse by OC tendency that
for him says: as long as we are not intimate as a couple he
won't have to go through our previous issues again?
We have worked with
three marriage councelors over the the last three years. Although helpful
for me, not for him. Actually he says all of their suggestions felt to
him that it would make the situation worse. Can you offer any insights?
Hi Mark,
My son’s name is John. He is 9 years old and he
was diagnosed with Asperger. Through his childhood John has received
service with OT and speech therapy.
When John was 5 years old I got divorce and moved
to a different location. The new school is small and they don’t have
special rooms for kids with autism. The first year at this school
John’s behavior changed from a sweet boy to kicking,
and scratching. He was removed from school and placed into BOCES . It
took two and a half years to have him move back to regular classes. I
made him repeated second grade in order to comeback to regular class and
release him from any anxiety of new learning
and new kids. John went back to the same school he attended when he
was 5 years old. The second grade at the regular school was great . He
was an honors student. The third grade started great. He was engaged
into school activities. However, 4 weeks ago
he started to change. On February 4th, the school called me stating
that John was having a meltdown and he was throwing things and kicking .
I picked him up from school and the next day he told me that he didn’t
feel good. I called the doctor and made an
appointment to make sure that a physical condition was affecting his
behavior. I have been sending John to school. But, by the middle of
the day the schools calls and I have to pick him up. The school had
reset last week and I stayed with him. There was
not bad behavior and he acted normal. I tried to find out with John
why he didn’t like school and he answer was “I don’t know”. The only
thing that I was able to pull out was that he was worried about
school. I’m extremely worried that John continues
with this behavior as it can cause for the school to send him back to
BOCES which it will be a set back on his progress.
I also found out that the week before of his meltdown, he hesitated to go to the class room in the morning.
Could you please give a little guidance on this
situation. What can I do and the school do to help John to go back to
his regular class and to continue with this academics.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My son has been in a relationship with a manipulative girl since last October. She gives him it tight for not replying to her text quick enough etc
Anyway he started punching walls in our home and himself to cope .
He's 17 and really has it in his head she is the be all and end all. She encourages him to take money from the house etc she has been thrown out by her own parents on numerous occasions.
My son started self medicating on legal highs. Now any time they row he goes off wandering with " a friend" and they do legal highs. I'm worried sick. He doesn't care about his appearance anymore, he's a bully towards me, he thinks everyone has a problem except for him. He has changed so much and told me I didn't even know who he was any more.
I don't give him money any more but it is this so called friend that is providing him with legal highs.
I've been to police and they have a description of him and say they will pick him up and search him if they see him.
I've been to school but they are useless, they know drugs occur in school but not interested. I self referred to educational psychologist for the anger outbursts and he started EMDR yesterday. But there is no communication from Ed psych to me.
I've bent over backwards trying to support him. He has all the right words and fires everything back at me - making me feel like worst parent ever. He seems to have no conscience. I've lost my boy in only 6 months!
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I am NT female and had over 7 years with my AS male partner. There is a great deal of love between us but it got too difficult. He became an alcoholic and is now in a dry house and doing well, attending college and actually going on a ASD course. It may help him to understand himself a little. We are in contact via phone and fb and I dare say that we'll likely meet up again at some point. I know I love him but I don't know if I can handle more of a this man that doesn't connect feelings wise with me. Yet he's so endearing and will show his love in doing things like cooking etc. I hope your book can help me more than anyone. I'm a buddhist (Nicherin Daishonin) yet I believe that my AS man understands more about non attachment than I ever will.
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My son has been in a relationship with a manipulative girl since last October. She gives him it tight for not replying to her text quick enough etc
Anyway he started punching walls in our home and himself to cope .
He's 17 and really has it in his head she is the be all and end all. She encourages him to take money from the house etc she has been thrown out by her own parents on numerous occasions.
My son started self medicating on legal highs. Now any time they row he goes off wandering with " a friend" and they do legal highs. I'm worried sick. He doesn't care about his appearance anymore, he's a bully towards me, he thinks everyone has a problem except for him. He has changed so much and told me I didn't even know who he was any more.
I don't give him money any more but it is this so called friend that is providing him with legal highs.
I've been to police and they have a description of him and say they will pick him up and search him if they see him.
I've been to school but they are useless, they know drugs occur in school but not interested. I self referred to educational psychologist for the anger outbursts and he started EMDR yesterday. But there is no communication from Ed psych to me.
I've bent over backwards trying to support him. He has all the right words and fires everything back at me - making me feel like worst parent ever. He seems to have no conscience. I've lost my boy in only 6 months!
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I am NT female and had over 7 years with my AS male partner. There is a great deal of love between us but it got too difficult. He became an alcoholic and is now in a dry house and doing well, attending college and actually going on a ASD course. It may help him to understand himself a little. We are in contact via phone and fb and I dare say that we'll likely meet up again at some point. I know I love him but I don't know if I can handle more of a this man that doesn't connect feelings wise with me. Yet he's so endearing and will show his love in doing things like cooking etc. I hope your book can help me more than anyone. I'm a buddhist (Nicherin Daishonin) yet I believe that my AS man understands more about non attachment than I ever will.
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We
have made great strides in the meltdowns, and suddenly he decided on
his own to be totally potty trained, and his "time issues" with speech
(I will go to the ranch yesterday) seem to be alleviated.
The
next expression issue I would like to work on is him saying he does not
want to do something when he really does - he is mad about something or
some of the arrangements and describes his feelings as "throwing the
baby out with the bathwater" I sit and talk about what really may be
going on but I see no improvement. Is this a part of aspergers? and
inability to identify or describe the feelings inside?
My
daughter (Barrett's mother) we probably has Aspbergers - I always
thought she "marched to a different drum" and was self centered. She
also thinks she qualifies but does not seem motivated to get help so I
am going to an Austism specialist in Dallas (6 hours away) to get help
for me in dealing with both of them She is also bipolar with thought
disorganization. So chaos reigns around her which is not great for
Barrett the aspie. My son in law put his foot down about remodeling the
house (they live in a lovely home in a fabulouse neighborhood - my
daughter spends money to feel better when she is not planning trips to
get away from the kids:) Good or bad she has a very comfortable income
which is her separate property not her husband's .
Neither my daughter or grandson could live through the kind of chaos that comes from remodeing.
I
have meltdowns about my daughters behavior when it comes to her
children - her husband hates confrontation and arguing he wants her to
go get help but wont'say so - all very typical I think any other
solutions other than counseling for me?
Do Aspbergers have a high rate of divorce??
I
took her three children and their two housekeepers (4 year old, 3 year
old and a year old baby) to my lake house for 5 days and had a wonderful
time - that is not the case when my daughter is along which is sad. he
finds every excuse to disappear and leave me with the kids and
responsibilites which I deeply resent. I have told her so over and over
to no avail.
my
grandson is EXTREMELY attached to me - really wants to be with me all
the time. His 3 year old sister is simiarly attached - they do not want
to go home. They also both behave much better with me thatn their
parents but I think that is very normal. but is this part of
aspbergers"s to want to be with one person all the time not necessarily
the parent - I am very dependable and organized and I am a PLANNER! I
do what I say I will do - all of these things may set up a more
comfortable environment for Barrett????
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