Do you need some assistance in parenting your Aspergers or HFA child? Click here to use Mark Hutten, M.A. as your personal parent coach.
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Hi Mark, we completed the course a week or so ago.
Generally things have improved. Our son is doing is chores (mostly),
he's coming home on time, spending more time at home and helping with
projects around the house. We have few disagreements. He
continues, however, to be moody, distant and generally unpleasant to me
and his dad. Will this change too over time? I should add that he is
changing schools now, not his choice, and this is a big disappointment
to him. It's also because of his actions and now he's living with the
consequences. Anyway, I appreciate the program. Your approach and presentation have been hugely helpful and I hope we can continue that.
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Dear Mark, Thank you for your ebook and audio instruction. The techniques are making a difference with my youngest daughter, Nicole 15 who spent yesterday afternoon cleaning her room and is now doing her own laundry.
The reason I downloaded your book is because I am very concerned about my son, James 22 who spends all his time in his bedroom and only comes out to get a drink and to eat.
He needed a lot of help at school when he was young. When he was about 14 he started doing well at Maths. When he left school he went to university and did a Masters Degree in Maths.
He came back home at the end of June and since then he has become a recluse. In the last 4 weeks he has only gone out of the house once to go to a doctor's appointment. Our doctor has put him on Vitamin D capsules as his vitamin D level was very low. He does not want to go out and says he wants to stay in his room. He says he is not depressed. It is very difficult to communicate with him. I do not know how to help him.
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You have given me hope of understanding something
that has troubled me for 15 years. I was and am still depressed, for my
best, most loving efforts to get close to my AS husband did not work and
sometimes he has been mean, to be blunt. He is not usually unkind but
when I really needed him just to talk, to listen sympathetically, he
would have huge walls go up right away. He had a difficult marriage in
the past also. It was shocking to me and so painful because it was not
the man I married. I could not understand it.
Well, you seem to understand it and give me hope. Thanks again.
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Hello,
I came across your name when I was researching behavioral problems in teens. I believe my AS son may have bipolar. He is to be evaluated later this month. The problem I am having now is that he won’t do his homework. He says he doesn’t have any or he already did it. I offer to help him and he says it’s not my responsibility to get his work done. He becomes frustrated and shuts down. He is failing almost all of his classes and he is a smart kid. My husband who has raised him since he was about 6 years old is very hard on him. I understand this but he is harder on him than he is on his sister. I feel this may be contributing to his stress level and making him have these outbursts. He is a really good kid and I am just struggling with him doing his homework any advice on this?
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Hello Mark!
Thank you for providing such excellent resources. In 1.5 hours my daughter Lydia, age 12 will undergo testing for autism. Her therapist has diagnosed her as having higher functioning aspergers and ADD.
I am wondering if it is possible to hire you for some coaching, feedback and support.
Last week her Father, who I swear to Goddess has autism, decided to give up Lydia, which is horrifying. Unconditional love being the center stone, the foundation for children. He said he couldn't stand the abuse and that I 'undermine' him by picking her up from school when she calls.
I am all for having her full time, he leaves her to her devices, is incapable of nurturing her, understanding her needs.
As far as her behaviors go, she has attacked her father in the past and me more recently, I have scars on my hand in fact. Her verbal abuse is as bad as the physical in my opinion. Her therapist is helping her, she just kind of wigs out over nothing, everything and there is nothing that can be said or done to stop it. She is like a pressure cooker, 80% stressed at all times.
She is completely literal, obsessed with cats, has close friends, is failing school and refusing to attend, I am thinking of alternative schooling for her and my closest local friends home school, so there are options.
This past week has taken high needs to a new level, please let me know if you can offer assistance and what other things you would like to know.
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We put our steel face on and have let him feel some consequences for his actions by withholding gas money etc. He has sold some of his things to get gas money in spite of this. Our Aspergers teen has been having relationship issues since he met his girlfriend on 7/4/14. They fight they break up, they get back together etc. he has wrecked his truck traveling to see her which we repaired and he we thought finally broke up with her over her abusive threats of breaking up with him many times. During this time he has left in his truck late at night sneaking out and when we thought that had finally ended he had a call from her today and left at 11 tonight and got home about 1230 and went to bed and said he wasn't going to school tomorrow. We think he has befriended a new girl but not sure what is going on. We have been told by our family counselor to take his truck away but we don't think that would go well. We would like any advice you have on this. I know you don't know him but he is extremely smart and school is finally going well but he will not share any info with us and does not feel like he has any issues but obviously he does.
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I am told my 35 year old son is probably on the aspergers spectrum besides the depression, social anxiety disorder, ocd he suffers from. I'm not real clear on symptoms of aspergers and what applies to him. Would appreciate any information, reading materials, etc. you can recommend. Living with him is very difficult and frustrating.
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Hello Mr. Hutton,
I have just recently begun reading articles on your site and listening to your podcasts. I am very impressed so far with what I have seen and heard and so thankful you make your program so affordable. I do have a question before I purchase if you don't mind.
I understand the premise behind your advice regarding me being my son's favorite toy as he is looking for a reaction from me and that I should put on my poker face. I have done this successfully in the past but here is the "rub" with our situation... My 8 year old son hits me and kicks me and follows me around whence is in one of his meltdowns. Him doing so makes it impossible for me to get away from him and impossible not to defend myself. He is obviously getting a reaction when I have to hold my hand up to block the fist coming towards my face or pull him off of me to prevent him from biting me. I have bruises and scratches and even once had my toe broken from him throwing an ottoman at me. He is always very regretful afterwards and throughout the episode sadly shows self hatred saying things like he is an idiot and that he wishes I would abandon him. I always always reassure him that would never happen and that I will always love him no matter what but he continues to feel this way. He is regularly a very affectionate child telling me constantly that he loves me and asking for cuddles to which I always happily oblige. But when he is in this rage he is a different child and he is very violent. As he gets older and stronger it is scary. We have seen counselors for years and nothing has really helped.
Thanks so much for your time and for all that you do to help special needs families.
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Hello Mark,
I am a very concerned grandmother of a 12 year old grandson, who was diagnosed with Aspergers about 2 years ago. Trent has had a very difficult time in his young life before and since diagnosis. Socially, he has always had issues, never having friends. He currently lives in TN, and I think he may have been expelled from his junior high. He will be moving to FL in Jan to live with his dad, my son. I truly believe my son AND his ex wife don't understand Aspergers and have never seeked any counseling to get help. I believe the ex wife hasn't done anything because she doesn't know what to do and I even think Trent may intimidate her. I believe my son, on the other hand, thinks that discipline is the answer, and I disagree with his method of discipline for his child.
I'm scared for Trent and what could happen to him if he doesn't get proper help. Reading peoples comments about your e-book helped me to feel some hope. Unfortunately, I live in CA and am not financially able to see my grandson. He gets angry with me when I try and speak to him about Trent, but maybe he'd read this.
Please let me know your thoughts. Thank you for the help you give families that have to find a successful way to live with this disability.
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Hello Mark,
I’ve recently discovered your website and subscribed to your newsletter. I’ve encouraged our staff and parents to subscribe as well as many of the topics are relevant to the children and youth we work with.
Many of the topics and strategies you present resonate with the values and approaches we use here at our learning centre to support children and youth with autism, fetal alcohol disorder and other neurological disabilities. Thank you for offering your years of expertise and resources to the general public.
It is evident in your newsletters and resources that you share similar philosophies with regard to supporting youth with challenging behaviours. I hope my feedback is received as intended, to express gratitude for your ongoing resources for parents and professionals working with youth with challenging behaviours and to express our support of the use of ‘people-first’ language.
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My son is now 17 years old and was only recently tentatively diagnosed with Asperger’s. His homework problems are legendary and he seems to believe that when he becomes of age that things will magically be better because he won’t have to worry about school and homework. Will the lessons listed in your book be helpful for us to convey to him the folly of this sort of thinking?
My wife and I are always interested in finding ways to better help our son but, as you surely know, he is unable to believe that we even care about what he likes or doesn’t like.
We realize there are no guarantees but we welcome the chance to try something that as a chance to help us help our son.
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Mr Hutton,
I found your website for a friend who is a Single Mom of a 13 year old boy with Asberger's.
She is currently unemployed without UI benefits. She was disqualified for them when she
ended up in the hospital for 12 days and almost died earlier this year. She was caring for her
Mom with Alzheimer's until her death in March (I believe it was) 2014.
He also has Gluten and Dairy Allergies, is doing some typical teenage boy behavior of being
defiant, can't sleep at night and also not bathing, brushing his teeth like he should.
She has no help and home schools him bc of the push back she has received in the schools, their inability to "deal with him" and their constant thought process of medications, medications etc.
She does what she can with food and supplements for him. I've just shared with her magnesium deficiency and it's roll in his insomnia as well as sensory issues so we'll see if we can improve there.
I've shared your website with her and the Facebook Support Group. Her name is Sharmayne Hall. Because of her ex husband she does not use her photo or name on FB etc It is Shar Anna Mae on FB.
She was able to get him tested here in Southlake, TX because of the kindness of the church and some members, at one of the Brain centers there. However, the cost for him to go there for therapy is $6k and she does not have health insurance either.
If there is any help anywhere for her, this would be appreciated. He does not have a male role model and this is a challenge as you can understand.
If there are any scholarships to camp etc that would be so helpful. He is a good boy, he teases etc as most teens do, his is a bit immature for his age but he's also socially immature.
Perhaps someone needs an end of year tax deduction and would donate or gift this to her?
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Hi Mr Hutton,
I am writing to you concerning my son Joshua who is 12. He's was diagnosed with aspergers/high functioning autism at the age of 4. His dad and I are no longer together. Joshua is very verbal, very intelligent and has a great sense of humor, very musical, loves computers. He is an awesome child. School has always been very difficult for him, he can get aggressive quickly over small irritations and has been in trouble for hitting/pushing other children and even a teacher. His mouth is unfiltered and he often says inappropriate things and swears quite a lot. He is in year 8 and been in a small catholic school where things have been 'manageable'. Next year he is going to high school and I am worried about how he will cope as funding for him is basically non existent. The senco teacher and other appropriate teachers seem on board to help as much as they can but it will be limited. Should I take the 'throw him in at the deep end approach' or start him off gradually. I can imagine him having a meltdown within 2 hours being there, or getting into a fight. He is very naive, takes things at face value, and tends not to like most teachers (strong authority figures). He can be defiant and rude to teachers when told what to do. He has been on prozac but I'm not sure is doing much good. Do you have any advice? There is so much more I could write. I am very worried about next year and how he/the school will cope. To other kids he is 'that weird kid who gets angry'.
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Hello Mr. Hutten,
Will like to get your opinion about one issue regarding my son.
Just as quick recap summary his profile is as below.
Summary: My son is 17.5 yrs. old. He was diagnosed with HFA/Asperger’s at the age of 3. A lot of inattentions was the first symptom. A lot of obsessions (emotional rigidity) is also there. All other characteristics of HFA/Asperger’s are there. Stable family. Special Education since age 3 in town public school.
The question is regarding once the kid is out of school and is put into some transition program, should he be put in a program where he stays at home and commutes to transition place or he should be put in a residential place where for a lot of time he will not be staying with parents. Due to his obsessive and non-compliant personality many people have made comment that my son will perform better when he is away from us. Sometime we also may end up thinking like that. So based on your experience with Asperger’s who are mostly obsessive kids, is our assumption that he will perform better outside, is true? Or it is just a myth and better to keep him home. Somehow we have never sent him to extended camping etc. But one time due to some issues he ended up at Foundation Behavioral Health PA for 10 days. They say he was the best behaved kid there and sent him home much earlier than typical stay duration there. No discipline issue outside but aggressive at home. And as per our judgment his aggression is based on 60% disability (his different belief system!) and 40% intentional. For a moment please ignore the financial implication of residential placement. At stake is what will benefit in the long term.
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Mark,
My
son is using self destructive behavior when he is angry at us for
taking things away. It started out by refusing to go to school but now
he is violent to us and now threatening to hurt himself. He is
currently at a clinic to deal with these issues but I wanted to know
what are ways that we can tell him that he can use if he thinks that we
have "wronged" him in some way, especially if we do something counter to
what we told him and really confused the situation i.e. can he gives us
a time out, or what are the consequences to our poor behavior.
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Our
soon to be our 15 year old son refuses to do any homework or study. He
is flunking out of honors biology, this is his second best subject.
His grade has dropped to a C in advanced algebra 2. He got a 100% in
his placement test in Math and a 90% in science. Total lack of effort
and he doesn't seem to care. During his Jr High years the amount of
homework was very overwhelming. Our family was always stressed out
about it. We think he got burnt out.
We try
to have consequences or loss of privileges but things get much worse.
We have tried rewards of money, starting driving lessons and a smart
phone. Driving lessons worked for while, now it doesn't seem important
anymore. We are getting help from his school counselor and football
coach. So far, that doesn't work either. He doesn't seem depressed. He
does not like smoking, drinking and or drugs. He thinks it is
terrible. We get along great other than school.
He is
proud that he is very smart and the marks he gets on placement and
evaluation test. He already has his Eagle rank in Boys Scouts. He also
talks about getting into a good college. He clearly doesn't get it.
He does
seem addicted to video games. The school gave all the students an ipad
and he is on it constantly. He has been caught playing on games during
class, too. We try to limit it but things get a lot worse.
I have
heard some of his friends say it isn't cool to participate in class and
you don't have to do homework. He is trying to fit in.
We don't know what to do. He could have a very bright future.
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Dear Mark,
Firstly, I want to thank you for every
child that is, has or will benefit from your efforts! It is deeply
appreciated by myself, and I am certain parents, caregivers, and
children and all of us that are fortunate enough to have found our way
to you.
I have a 10 year old son that is
struggling socially, likely has NVLD and DCD included in the "list" of
labels/diagnoses we are trying to wrap our living around. How can we
best determine if homeschooling is the best fit for him? Sadly, he has
been teased/bullied and his last day at public school was October 31,
2014. He was new to the public system ( which has been on strike,
reduction of services etc ) and it seems to be failing him. My concern
(among the many I grapple with ) is what criteria to use to try to
determine the best next course of action.
Thank you in advance for your suggestions.
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Mark,
My
son is using self destructive behavior when he is angry at us for
taking things away. It started out by refusing to go to school but now
he is violent to us and now threatening to hurt himself. He is
currently at a clinic to deal with these issues but I wanted to know
what are ways that we can tell him that he can use if he thinks that we
have "wronged" him in some way, especially if we do something counter to
what we told him and really confused the situation i.e. can he gives us
a time out, or what are the consequences to our poor behavior.
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Hi Mark,
I will make this as brief as possible. My 17 year old stepson has locked
himself in the bedroom for 3 days now. He has had no food for 3 days. I
hope he is drinking water from the bathroom sink. Here is what
happened:
He lived with his crazy Mom until 13 months ago, she bit him and pressed charges against him
He came to live with us
At first he was great
We kept computer downstairs to monitor time, etc
He lied and said computer was broke and he was upstairs working on it
He had been doing dual enrollment at High School and local college
We thought he's going to college now and away next fall and needs to learn responsibility so we let him keep it upstairs
Over the next few months he became so addicted to gaming
Stays up all night, etc.
He said he was doing great in school and loved college
Got his grades 3 days ago and he flunked all courses except one and it was a D
Dad said we are moving computer back downstairs
He went ballistic and locked himself up. He's missed school and meals.
After reading articles of yours and others we realize we need to be a
game free home. His phone will be cut off as soon as Verizon opens this
morning and we shut off breaker this morning to stop xbox
We did get computer tower out while he was having a meltdown outside.
We feel like he needs to go away and detox and learn skills that we can't seem to teach him
He has a great staff at his school and work with him on issues. He is so
close to graduating but hasn't been to school now in days. He talks to
my son a lot (21 year old) he told him he's making a statement. I'm not
worried about him not eating but I do worry about him dehydrating.
Do you know of a facility that would work with him? Any suggestions?
So appreciate you and your time!!
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Hello. Thank you for your help through these emails etc. My son
needs more then can be offered at home. What do you recommend for
therapeutic homes that doesnt cost a fortune. Thanks.
An 'I'm done' mom
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Dear Mark,
My name is Anthony and I am an adult that suffers from Aspergers. And the reason why
I decided to subscribe to you is that I want to receive the most
support and help from your site. My biggest issue with having
Aspergers is interacting with other individuals socially and I would
like to know if you can offer tips and suggestions on how to better
socialize with others?
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Please let me know what the new politically correct words are used
today to describe Asperger's. Since the name Asperger's is not a
diagnoses any longer. Makes it very difficult for families today to
find help since the medical or insurance field don't acknowledge this
diagnosis . Why do you still refer to this illness as Asperger's. You
need to explain this please.
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Question:
Do you know of a resource to justify 40 hours of testing by a neuropsychologist to properly diagnose my boy with HFA and ADHD (and a few other things too)? The insurance (Value Options) has paid for 12 hours of testing. The neuropsychologist says this is way too little to properly test for autism. The insurance says the testing was primarily for educational purposes - not true - we didn't know what was wrong with the little guy - though the educational advice that came out of it was extremely useful.
Are there professional guidelines somewhere which we could quote as to what the standard battery of tests or hours of testing is to test for autism?
I can give you more detail on the testing if you'd like.
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Dears Mark Hutten
My name is Iara, from Paraguay in South America.
Two
years ago I married "the almost perfect guy". It took me not long to
realize that things were not under the average level of struggle a new
married couple should expect.
After lots of
reading I came across Asperger Syndrome. Now We are looking for support,
what is almost impossible to find in this area of the globe, due to the
lack of professionals specialized on this issue.
Do you provide counselling to couples as well as kid´s parents in the spectrum? Is there a way other than FB to contact you ?
I would be greatly thankfull for your precious attention.
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David, my 12 yo son Joshua has high function autism. He has been on risperidone (only for about 3 months as the side effects were scary) and he is currently on prozac (for about a year) for anxiety issues. I can't really see any positive results from the prozac and feel I should wean him off. He has issues with spontaneous anger and violence, pushing hitting etc. He threatened another child who was teasing him, with a knife. I feel he needs a medication to chill him out a little but don't know what to try next. Any advice you have would be appreciated.
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I have downloaded and your online books and found them to be
interesting, makes sense. But in application, I am still having
difficulties with my son, Sean. Failure to launch, classic case. He is
now 23 and does nothing but video games and online games with friends.
He was doing volunteer work for a cat rescue place, clerical work, but
recently quit. He was taking online classes but flunked the last one and
has quit that as well.
He actually has a college degree, but in history, so has not been able
to find any jobs. He has applied to several online positions, but cannot
get any interviews, even for the simplest job, like in a grocery store.
He was not labeled as aspbergers until his first year of college. We
always knew he was different, quirky, but it seems to have come out as
an issue, more as an adult. He was always a top student, so when he
flunked his first college course, it was such a change that we took him
to a therapist for family counseling. The guy basically said that there
was no therapy to help him or us and to just cope with it. So, the work
he did with him was just trying to motivate him. He said there was no
help or support groups in our area, of Charlotte nc. Since then, I have
found a couple of groups, not nearby, but those kids seem to be much
more obvious, and my son has zero interest in being with them.
Then, my husband got cancer and our world stopped. I focused on my
husband and his care, quitting my job, until he passed away in October,
2013. My job is no longer available and I am just doing part time work
now. Sean, my son, managed to stay in school and graduate, but not with a
good GPA. His school, UNC-Chapel Hill was not helpful, the psychologist
there said there were no aspbergers kids enrolled and did not offer any
guidance to help Sean with his struggles. Now, as a widow, trying to
find my own way, moving twice, he is home with me, gaining weight and
has no direction. He does still have a few friends, he drives back to
visit some of them in college still or with childhood friends sometimes
when they are in town, but they are all moving on with their lives and
he is not. He refuses any more therapy, says he sees no value in talk
therapy. So, I am at a loss as to what to do or how to get him out the
door. I am afraid that any low level job, exposed to dealing with all
kinds of people will result in him being frustrated or having some
conflict with a boss and result in him being fired or quitting, which
would then just deepen his despair and mine too.
He was taking online classes for accounting and business, but has
stopped those. He says he can quickly understand concepts for just about
any low level course, but whenever it becomes more involved, he cannot
grasp it. I truly do not know if he is just "playing me" to avoid having
to work so he can sit at home in his room, doing computer games, but he
claims he is not. He is social on the games, I can hear him talking to
others and he is an administrator for an online group. He tried computer
programming classes and once it got detailed, he was lost, so he does
not want to pursue that option either.
I cannot see how I can manage to continue like this, as it is preventing
me from moving on in my life as well. Is this what parenting a special
needs kid is? It is endless, constant disappointments. I think he has
every ability to live independently, he did for four years of college,
away from home, but despite all my suggestions, prodding, anger,
resignation, frustration, love, compassion and desire for him to be
independent, it is to no avail. I tried to set boundaries and deadlines,
I do not give him money, but I have to house and feed him, cannot turn
him out on the street.
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Dear Mark Hutten
Thank for taking the time to read this .
We are parents that love our son very much and have done
Everything
humanly possible to help him he is currently seeing Dr.Pfifer for any
medicines he is taking and he is in cousiling with the
Bridges
here in Dothan, Alabama we have also had to put him in the Lora Oaks
Behavioral Health Center and when he comes home things are good for a
little while he is currently being treated for ADHD,OCD,Sleep
Disorder,Impulse Control Disorder,Tic Disorder but the older he gets the
Defiantness gets worse no matter how we punish him it is still a battle
with he has lack of responsibility and does anything that is
distrustful to him self we have had to call the police on him because he
feels it is neccasrry to hit people he is constantly in trouble in
school for it and doing what ever he wants to do . We go to a grocery
store and he takes off on us with no regards to how we feel about it .
We have even left him in the stores when he leaves us like that and when
he throws a fit . We would loves nothing more to have our child here
with us but he needs a true wake up call before things get any worse we
don't want to loose our son to anything . He is currently on Medicaid
and we have one income in our house so my options are very limited . Any
help would be appreciated .
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Dear Mark,
Please I want your advise, I have an 8
years old with HFA, he is in a public school in third grade, his main
disability is speech and it takes me a while sometimes asking him what's
wrong, he is in an inclusion class, he is been bullied in school by
another child in his class every day when they are in the school bus in
the morning, this kid call my son dumb, he throw papers, crayons and
pencils at him, in PE he shoved him on the floor, and my boy gets very
upset with this, two days ago the assistant principal called us to pick
him up because he was saying he wanted to kill himself; and now they
want a meeting to reopen the FAB again. I'm very worried for my little
boy. l think that regular school is getting too stressful for him. How
can I find a good special school for him. Is it any website I could
check? He is already approved for Mac key.
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Things have progressed to quite severely unmanageable with my aspie husband.
He is in absolute defense mode, between being passive/aggressive and contrite.
He
lies, without seeming to be aware of it -- his home is in foreclosure,
he has avoided a BK and process servers for a year. He is near emaciated
and requires help.
He has been in sales most of his life but after losing his job a four years back....
but for 2 short lived attempts he has not had formal employment.
He
is working at a business if his own, but it is not within reason. He
does not sleep and drives to distant locations (shows) to try and sell
at 3-4AM.
Having been a salesman he knows how to cover up and sell a good image.
-Nothing- could be further from the truth.
He has not looked after himself nor his health.
I have asked him to move out and now he has nowhere to go.
He has no one but me. Can you please help???
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Hello Mark,
I am a teacher of Autistic Su7pport in a middle school located in Philadelphia , PA.
I am planning on recommending this site to 2 of the parents in my room, for their AS/ADHD boys of 11 years and 12 yearas old.
When I read about the remp-er tantrums- it was describing one of my
students to a tee! Other information is to reassure and provide support
to this other parent, highly involved, who keeps thanking me for
understanding her son. That makes me question---who has he had before
me?
Anyway, I'd love to share information with them to help them
understand that they atre not the only ones out there, and that they do
not have to feel alone for answetrs to their questions. I told one, that
adolescence is tough for regular kids, let alone having to deal with
their children with other issues.
I feel these 2 students, though very different and similiar at the
same time, are Asberger kids with ADHD. It's not the typical and obvious
autistic studentn as I've had at lower levels. These students have only
been kept out of regu;lar education due to some of the behavioral
deficits you speak about in the video.
How do I get the book in print? I"d love to purchase it for at least
one of the families, in addition to myself as a reading book to grow and
develop my own knowledge of AS.
This is a learning year for this specific Magnet school who rates
above the district average for academic perfoermance. I love AS and the
school is working out as we learn. There is another AS class next door,
and we do have the classes working on individual instructional levels in
math and reading.
Would love to see if you plan anything in Philadelphia over the
spring or summer. I would try to get one of the parents to go with me
to hear you--I'd even pay for her, as finanaces may be an issue. I can
say I won a pass to the lecture! :-)
She would "get it" as she is open-minded to try new strategies to help him at home,
Thank you for sharing your expertise. I'm feeling validated in whatn I
am doing, what my observations of my students are and developing my
professional skills.
After considering retiring as a teacher in the district for varied
reasons, I feel GREAT in this school with this AS population. LOVE the
Asberger's kids, using picture vocabulary for 2 others, and one is
in between them both-but a good reader.
Whew! Rambling on. Sorry--but have not been able to share my thoughts
with too many experts. Learning that I have to be a stronger structured
teacher but am so thrilled with the experiences thus far.
Happy holidays and can't wait to hear what you have to say!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark,
My son has been diagnosed with aspergers. Through this diagnosis, it was
made apparent that my husband has it too. I've watched a dozen videos
and read loads of articles now, and am pretty understanding with this
all. It's opened my eyes to so many things in my marriage and parenting.
I'm still struggling with finding one answer though. Hoping you can help.
Apart from his general obsessions, he's obsessed with looking at other
women. I know he loves me. He professes it daily. But the continuous
looking is starting to threaten the marriage. He denies point blank that
he has Aspergers. Says he's just different. He denies point blank
looking at other women, even though, as an example, it'll be the only
other person in his line of vision and he cannot stop himself from
looking.
Is there something I can do to stop this or some technique for myself to
use? I feel totally disrespected and embarrassed when he does it, as
everyone else can see it. I'm starting to hate myself and finding myself
falling into a self hate depression of not being good enough. He's
worse apparently when he's without me. I'm scared his obsession of just
looking will turn into an affair if the woman is willing. And we live in
a place where cheating is quite common unfortunately.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I absolutely love your email newsletters and wonder if you have any insight for me.
A
quick personal picture into our life to maybe get a better picture. I
divorced my ex 3 1/2 years ago. Our son from the very beginning was
allowed by my ex to be very much involved in our divorce battle as far
as getting to decide the time sharing schedule that worked for him vs
the 63/27 split outlined in our agreement. Our son had his initial
involvement with the system in 7th grade, followed with many
internal/external suspensions & a Poss Marijuana arrest Feb 2014. He
completed diversion in 2012 & drug court in 2014 (I work at the
Court system helping him with the process). My son, ex and I attending
family therapy at the beginning after the divorce, followed by primarily
I and Blake attending toward the end. Our therapist definitely agreed
that Blake has ODD, struggled with the divorce, feeling obligated to be
my ex's caretaker and stuck in the middle yet playing the situation.
Fast
forward to now...I'm remarried, my son does adore my husband, has
adapted well to the new life, but very much follows his dad's (and his
entire family's history) path of alcoholism and drug use (one of my main
reason of divorce). Dad buys and gives him whatever he wants i.e.
infamous iphone (yes, I also believe that my son does suffer from social
media addiction), since he literally has toddler meltdown over his
phone. Dad and I have polar opposite parenting styles and hardly ever
communicate unless we have to for our son's sake. Our son saw therapist,
etc while attending Drug Court who also confirmed along with myself
that our son will have to learn the hard way to eventually quit pot...He
tested positive multiple times, was given second chances, spend
contempt time in juvi and did manage to graduate dRug court at the end.
I
also handle all schooling and behavior issues because Dad doesn't know
how. Parental alienation also exists on top of everything else (not per
my diagnosis, but therapist's). Working in the system, I've tried to use
same to get my son help. I've reached out to the school system as
well.
My question, do you have any other suggestions of
helping my failing in school son? He's back to getting high daily, I
hardly see him when it is my visiting time since he runs back to ex's
house then (we live 5 min apart). I dropped him already once off at my
ex's to give in to my son's badgering wishes that that's where he wants
to live. My ex NOW finally makes him come to my house which I believe is
because he needs that break. My ex will not agree to a re assignment of
school, let's him run with his 'homies' and undermines everything I try
to do to help our son. He will not agree to send him far away to a
therapeutic school, so me spending my life savings to go forward without
my ex's wishes will be null and voided by him 'rescuing' if he were to
run away. I'm taking my ex back to court for IRS and child support
issues hoping yet again to utilize the Court system to 'make' my ex go
to drug/alcohol eval, parenting classes to help our son succeed....I'm
conviced that our son believes that him observing dad's current
situation it's totally acceptable since Dad has survived thus far being
able to support his habits, hold a decent job and have a roof over his
head.
Tough love is all that I see left, letting our son fail
out of H.S. and choose his path and stand back waiting for him to
eventually have his 'aha' moment. Any other suggestions besides me maybe
going back to therapy to learn to have a back bone/standing my ground
during this upcoming difficulty time? Thank you for reviewing my email.
Sincerely, overly concerned Mom
]~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark,
I have spent last night/ today reading the ebook and listening to the
audio as I felt there was nothing I could do to save this relationship I
have with my Aspergers Partner.
We are engaged and have been together for 4 years. He did not think we
had a problem. Generally he is a wonderful man who makes me happy but at
times he can be very self absorbed. Reading through the ebook has
helped me find areas we need to work on, which is great so thank you.
My main concern though is financial stability. I am working full time as
a teacher, but he has only ever had casual jobs in areas he loves-
music & art. I am worried as time goes on and we plan for the future
to have children, that if I want to take time off work to look after
the children we will not be able to make ends meet. Is hoping that he
will get more work selfish of me? I feel like I would do so much to keep
this relationship going because most of the time he is my best friend,
but I don't know if I can go back on my beliefs of raising children/
having a family.
Please help. I honestly don't know what to do.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just this past year we have found out our Grandson and my wife of 41
years have Asperger's. We have another Grand Daughter who has Tourette.
Now we realize my wife also has Tourette.
I have read several of your news letters. Everything is beginning to
make since now. Thank you for providing this information on your
website.
I now have some tools to understand why our family deals differently
with situations. Over the years I have always been defensive, thinking
my spouse was hostile towards me.
Now I understand, and find myself being extremely protective for her
safety. I want her to have the life she has. I love her just the way she
is.
Even when she does things I do not understand. I am going through a learning curve to stop the anger I have built up.
It is not something she can control, it is my problem. I must learn to remember to think about the situation before reacting.
I have a long road ahead. But now by reading and trying to understand we can move forward with our life together.
Also we understand our family better.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I feel like you have hit the nail on the head. I have been experiencing
the pain, the grief, the depression, and some resentment due to the
heartbreaking frustration of being married to a man with AS. I did not
know for years and years. I tried my best to be a good wife but whenever
I tried to reach out and have a 'heart to heart' with good intentions,
or if I had concerns, and I tried to speak as I had learned, to be fair,
using ' I statements', and or 'I fee'l. Now I learn
feelings are a foreign language for aspies.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
G'day. I am a 61yo with over 40ys association with the Psychiatric
system. During that time I have had many diagnoses and have had
everything done to me that that system has to offer without any benefit.
Now it has been suggested to me that I may have Aspergers and my
research on the subject has been enlightening. I saw you on youtube and
hope that I may be able to speak with you,. I think I need to speak with
someone who has an understanding of the subject one to one as the
literature and websites I have visited are quite overwhelming and not
really helpful to me at this stage. Geographically I am far removed from
any form of assistance and have been hopeful of finding a person, such
as yourself, to speak to online. I hope that that may be possible as I
am quite lost out here and would like to have some understanding of this
strange experience that I have had to call my life for so long - Hoping
to hear from you. Regards. Philip
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mark: I am looking for some on line coaching,
if you can work with my son's obsessing about germs. My son Jimmy was
first diagnosed sensory dysfunction at at age four. His was diagnosed
with aspergers at age six, he is now just
turned 16. His mother have been divorced for three years but things are
vary amicable. I am back in school working on a behavioral analysis
degree for one (vary challenging) semester. I'm not sure what other
background information you need.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi,
I am writing to you because I need help. I am Polish
and my boyfriend is from Cyprus. We live together in Poland. Chris does
not speak Polish and therefore I can't find anyone he could talk to him
here in English ( he is bilingual as he was living in England for most
of his life). He is 49 and two years ago after searching on the internet
I came across information about Asperger syndrome that seems to be the
answer for his behaviour. I told him this and he does not believe me
totally. Only sometimes he says that he has "cheesburger " as he calls
it and that's why he behaves like e does.He has never been diagnosed.
Two years ago we went to a psychologist here in Poland but she said he
does not have Asperger. On the basis of what she said he believes I am
wrong.I am a coach and help people with their problems. I know there is
something not right. I don't know what to do as living with him is
getting so difficult.
Is there any way you could help me through email or skype?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mr. Hutton:
Our
son is 6 years old and has been diagnosed with AS by Dr. Pappas at the
Peyton Manning Children’s Hospital at St. Vincent in Indianapolis. We
would like
to seek whatever assistance is out there both in the way of financial
help (not as critical but appreciated), but primarily support. We had
enrolled him in a Christian based private school; however, they placed
him with an elderly teacher who didn’t want
to learn about his diagnosis when we tried to explain it to her (along
with a book that we purchased for her use). As can be predicted, she
was not able to understand, nor know how to handle his exuberance.
After that, my wife, myself and our sitter have
all worked to homeschool him as we do not want to put him in public
schools, nor do we want to put him in another environment where he is
not accepted. He loves the idea of going to school and would be
heartbroken if he had to be pulled again. He is extremely
intelligent and has been also going to Kumon for math and reading for
several years. Like all aspies, he is a sponge and remembers
everything. We think that eventually, he will learn to recognize the
things that are unacceptable and hope that he can once
again get integrated into a group environment, provided that it is not
too large of a group because he seems to have the most difficulty when
in large groups. He simply gets over-stimulated and forgets his social
skills or runs off. We looked into the Autism
Behavior Centers; however, we don’t think that he will thrive when it
is just one on one contact with a teacher. He wants to learn and play
with other friends. I contacted the State of Indiana to see what
assistance may be available and was promised a return
call, but it never came. At some events, we actually would have our
sitter stay at the function with him to be that calming effect and
monitor his behavior one on one. We think that might still be a great
solution but wondered if there might be other alternatives
or least some financial assistance to compensate us for the time the
person needs to be with him at school. We seek your advice and wisdom.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Mark,
I get your weekly updates and find them very useful but wondered if you could please advise on a particular issue we are having?
My son is 7 years old diagnosed with 'traits of Aspergers' this year he
has been amazing at school with no issues following 2 years of very bad
behaviour. But at home he is very difficult, especially at weekends and
the holidays as we are in now. He has a 4 year old brother whom he
does love and care for but is so jealous of him and constantly irritates
him mentally and physically. He is also being very rude to us ( his
mum and Dad) and spitting, saying Poo, showing his bum and other
inappropriate things (sorry to be explicit) to the point of us shouting
at him and him just laughing back. We are both getting to the point
where we are loosing our temper on a daily basis.
We are struggling to understand why he does these things as it seems
like a sign of unhappiness, disrespect and animosity towards us.
We would really appreciate any help you can offer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am writing today to ask if you know of any support for
people in my area. We live in northern Michigan. We really do need to
learn to work with this AS. It is the 'elephant in the living room'.
I
am only just coming to accept the fact that my husband has AS. Bill
acknowledges it too but I don't think he has any idea the effect it has
on me or our marriage. We don't talk about it accept in passing, in
general terms. We just found out his grand daughter has it. My husbands
son certainly has quite a lot of difficulty and I have suspected that he
may also have the condition. We only just learned about this condition
in the last couple of years, first through reading a book by Cohen,
"The Sociopath Next Door" . I borrowed it from the library, as my
husband Bill had expressed an interest in such things. Not a 'special
interest', just some interest. I often visit the library and sometimes
pick up a a book for Bill. He reads some of them. We both read a lot.
Well,
he took the quiz and was shocked, according to that assessment, that
apparently he had little empathy. At that time he even said once that he
becomes extremely uncomfortable even discussing feelings because he
does not know what he is doing, like being adrift in uncharted waters.
We
kind of put this whole issue on the back burner as we were going
through some very, very difficult times. After my dad passed away in 08,
my mom having been his primary care giver for some time, my sister and
brother were diagnosed with cancer and passed away 4 months apart in
2011. Then my mom suffered from a tragic hospital accident that turned
our lives upside down. I helped her as much as I could. intensive care
giving, giving up my full time job, moving in with her, then, with
numerous complications, selling her house to my sister, who had been
diagnosed with cancer, mom moving in with us, finally getting her own
senior apartment. I tried so hard to help her with her health. Time
after time she rallied and was in pain again, or something else would
happen. She had been strong and independent her whole life up to this
point. She passed away early this year. It was very tragic. Again,
doctors mistakes did not help. Very sad.
We had to
settle the totally unsettled estate of my sister and try to assist her
two, young adult, adopted daughters. Enough of all that. You get the
picture.
Well, my husband Bill is a good guy. He is
faithful, responsible, intelligent, funny. We get along very well most
of the time. In many ways we are on the same wavelength. We often call
each other at the same moment and can frequently finish each others
sentences. We are very connected, but paradoxically quite disconnected.
All
these years. (we've been together since 99 and were married in 06)
there has been what I can describe as a disconnect - a serious problem
with communication and intimacy. My vulnerability and best efforts
seemed only to arouse his anger. My concerns are not, cannot be
addressed because my dear husband lacks the ability to have a heart to
heart conversation.
He had a difficult marriage in
the past. He is defensive and reactive, he is easily offended and can be
downright mean. This doesn't come up much because I just don't talk
much about anything that might elicit this response or rather reaction
from him. I have learned the hard way that no matter how I say it, he is
virtually unreachable. I cannot express loneliness, or seem critical or
even bring up concerns for us to address together.
I
am not perfect, I have my own psychological issues, but I have good
intentions. But when I end up more hurt and lonely than before I asked, I
stopped asking.
The hardest part was, I could not
understand why this was happening. I questioned myself constantly. This
behavior of his was out of character and only happened when I really
needed him! Very hurtful for your partner to 'turn on you', when you
open up, when you need him the most.
But since we
just this Christmas found out about Bill's granddaughters diagnosis, I
can say, feeling pretty certain, that my husband has AS. As if I needed
more confirmation. He is practically a textbook case; but he is so
smart, you cannot readily see it. He can behave in a way that would not
be obviously AS. It is at home, in an intimate relationship, that this
appears.
I have been deeply wounded over the years,
not daily or weekly, though there are little things there too, but
maybe 2 or 3 times a year, when I am brave enough or foolish enough or
just sad enough that I try to have a talk with Bill, I get hurt pretty
badly. He just almost instantly becomes defensive. He is unsympathetic,
rude, either walking out or stone walling. It's pretty impossible to
have a meeting of hearts and minds there. And because he is normally a
very decent guy, this just made no sense to me. And we never would go
back and sort it out together to resolve, heal.
Over
time this is so corrosive to a relationship and very bad for the person
trying to make sense of it, being alternately hopeful and in despair,
feeling at times, totally unloved, disposable, unseen, but then loved.
I
am sorry this is rambling and it may sound dramatic, but it has been
our experience. I never wanted a divorce. I wanted a healed marriage.
But I was finally, reluctantly, thinking about it. I had just about
given up hope when I finally had to admit to myself that no matter what I
did, how I talked, he was simply never going to change and I was
getting very weary of carrying a lot of stress and feeling increasingly
isolated and hopeless.
But now, if we actually face
this thing and learn how to work together, if he is willing, maybe we
can come through. I take inspiration and hope from The Book of Best
Practices. But I will have to be the one to initiate the changes,
because Bill just doesn't bring up such topics. I get that this is
'normal' for aspies. I think though, that he may finally be receptive to
working this out in our marriage.
But I don't know how and where to begin.
I
know it will take two to make it work, and If Bill cannot or will not
help, I won't be able to do it alone. But I would like to give it a
chance.
Any advice? Or possibly names of local professionals or groups to assist us?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thank you very much! Did read
the article and hopefully will be able to distinguish. I discussed her
"Disneyland" dad with you. She NEVER has meltdowns over there and does
OFTEN here. My two teenagers tell me so i know it is true...she is much
more enjoyable to be around there, and at my house very inconsistent
with her moods. She came in tonite and had full blown meltdown because I
had moved something in her room to a new spot. My teenage son was
saying, "why do you act like that with mom and not dad??" Makes me feel
like a HORRIBLE parent and disciplarian!! Like I have no control but her
dad has all control. He has told me she is great over there and the
problem is me. I sat down tonight to ask her specifically why she does
this with me as not with dad...thinking maybe I AM the problem! Feeling
unsure of myself and embarrasses in front of teenagers for lack of
parenting control. The following was her response:
"Dad
understand me more, he knows what I like, such as I get to go to bed
whenever I want...like 3am, I get to eat things that actually sound good
all the time. I don't have to eat anything I don't want. If he tells me
I have to take a shower tonite, I get to take it whenever I want. He
will turn on a video game for me no matter what time it is, on the big
TV. If I have a friend spend the night we get to close my bedroom door
and stay up as late as we want...all night if we want."
So,
obviously zero parenting, so NOTHING to set her off or make her mad.
She has never once spent the night with him on a school night. Only
weekends and she does WHATEVER she wants! She has been there off and on
since after Christmas.
Could even an aspergers kid not feel the need for meltdowns when they have no rules or limits?
If she's truly aspergers wouldn't she have some type of frustrations even in that setting where "anything goes?"
Or
is she just possibly "misbehaving" for me because she has to follow
rules here. I am NO dictator...just normal parent with guidelines and
rules. I can hardly stand it anymore!! Especially knowing she is an
angel there and can sometimes act AWFUL here!! I am trying EVERYTHING to
help her but am just so angry that she's one way there and one way
here. Please tell me if there is any reason an aspergers kid would be so
affected by normal household rules and guidelines, or is she just
GIVING ME HECK and it may have nothing to do with aspergers at all!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
