Question
I've been courting a man for a little over a month now, and he recently explained that he has Aspergers. The very first week we met we were constantly chatting, either online or on the telephone. Then the 2nd week he was silent, and I believed he had lost interest or found another person. Then in the 3rd week he was back to speaking with me. I figured maybe he was busy with work and that's why he had essentially dropped off the face of the earth. We have become a little closer, but then he explained that he has Aspergers, so when I asked him what it was, he sent me a link to Wikipedia.
After I told my girlfriends about Aspergers, one of them told me the story of her former mate, who was also an Aspie. She had met him on an online dating site and they hit it off nicely after which she discovered he was unfaithful to her.
I am a bit concerned of the identical thing happening. I am certainly a NT, and just learning about Aspergers. Is cheating a typical thing with Aspergers? Or was he just a butt who happened to have Aspergers and make a bad name for the affliction?
I have spoken to my guy about this, and he stays away from the subject, I am not sure if this is simply because he is guilty or possibly not understanding the way in which I am bringing it up. I am filled with the typical worries that come with beginning a brand new romantic relationship. In addition, I am researching Aspergers as I go along. Have you got any kind of advice?
Answer
Aspergers is a permanent condition, but "Aspies" are people too – and most of the same things hold true. If you just started dating this guy, give the relationship time to develop. As an Aspie, he needs his time to himself.
Aspies are likely to not take hints well because their brains are blind to this form of communication. They need to be told directly what you want them to do because they will never guess.
Gathering knowledge is deeply satisfying to a person with Aspergers, and sharing it is also a lot of fun. Thus, you may end up learning more than you ever wanted to know about that person's interests. Yet if you are intellectually curious, you will never become bored hanging out with an Aspie.
If you are serious about this guy, learn about Aspergers and how they are different interpersonally. You can't expect a relationship along normal lines. Whether you can get a suitable relationship going depends on a lot of things, and a lot of this has to do with where you score on adaptability, clear thinking, independence, knowledge, patience, strong self-confidence, and tolerance.
If you want compliments all the time, don't date a person with Aspergers. But if you want honesty at the foundation of your relationship, then Aspies are good candidates.
Respect his nature and choices and don't be demanding. Make sure you have a life going for yourself. It is unreasonable to expect a man to make your life and happiness for you. And a man with Aspergers will sure teach you that lesson.
When you begin to interact with people who have Aspergers, you may find yourself struggling to deal with their social difficulties. But if you stick with it and work on understanding how they put together the world in their minds, and encourage them to try to understand how you put together the world in your mind, you will develop a loyal friend and even romance.
Whether a person cheats depends on a lot of things, and it is just not logical to say that because a person with one characteristic (in this case Aspergers) has done something (in this case cheating), all people with that characteristic might do it. This is stereotyping.
Living With Aspergers: Help for CouplesCOMMENTS:
• Anonymous said… I am an aspie and my NT wife cheated on me after I told her. I've never cheated.
• Anonymous said… I have found they tend to be more loyal. Rule are important element to some on the spectrum. If your guy is very rule oriented- won't jay walk, etc. I can say he probably won't cheat
• Anonymous said… I have never been in that sort of relationship growing up as an aspergillosis was hard. I had little friends and only a hand full of people knew I was aspergic, as if people found out back then at least I would lose said friends in a heart beat. Now however is completly different I have a average sized group of friends who all know I am an Aspie. People with aspergillosis are very intellectual but we are also very loyal, kind and shy among other things, being an Aspie should not affect a relationship one bit, sure we get things mixed up at times but doesn't everyone.
• Anonymous said… I'm an Aspie and I would just say that if following conventional rules of society and morality are important to you, don't continue this relationship. As an Aspie, I see things so differently than NT's and do things that get me in a lot of trouble because I don't realize the effect my actions have until afterwards. To be honest, I still don't see why people get so emotional about things but I have to smile and nod and pretend that I do just to get along.
LTR's and marriage between Aspie and NT is not something to go into blindly or undertake without serious consideration.
• Anonymous said… In my experience, men with Aspergers are very loyal. They have such a strong sense of right and wrong, it really surprises me to read here that an Aspergers fellow cheated.
• Anonymous said… It will depend on who or what relationships they were modeling from, my boys as all aspergers and i love letting them watch love stories/movies as they now love to by there girl friends necklaces and flowers and my son even comes n talks to me about other girls being his friend and how he doesnt want them to get the wrong idea cause his taken. So no its not typical. If ur aspie man has parents still together than his gonna put alot in to a relationship as his probably seen how hard his parents have tried all his life.
• Anonymous said… Lord my husband won't even use a single bathroom if it a woman's. Me I will go in and take a pee that is what the lock is for
• Anonymous said… My girlfriend told me I was an Aspie after we'd been together about a year. That was 27 years ago & I was a faithful and devoted husband with no interest in any other woman the entire time. If your relationship is strong then it's strong -- being an Aspie doesn't change that.
• Anonymous said… Run away now
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